Igor82

Member
  • Content count

    435
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Igor82

  1. Im legit the age you see on my profile although im a tall person with a deep voice so people generally think im older than what I am. Okay! Show me lvl1. I have never gone physical with a girl before but I do enjoy being social on weekends which means I will most likely go physical with some girl soon enough. In conversation I like to stay grounded in having at least something to talk about, Im confident in being able to talk. If the conversation goes well then there is no problem looking into her eyes. But whats beyond just talking? Im trying to find a topic to talk about with my body language so to speak
  2. Unedited journaling Today I tasted how irresponsible I am. I went for a bike ride into the city after having taken low doses of weed and modafinil. I had food with me and I was excited to ride to the nearest lake on my new bike. My mother and sister were going to drive to another city to retrieve a fridge for some buisness we are attending on the weekend. I got the fun idea to try to ride after them on my bike on the city streets while they were driving. I was fast, they were fast! It was fun and I felt confident. I had no helmet. I never have a helmet because I feel very confident in how im able to handle the bike and forsee danger, but I have my limits. I went to ride downhill with moms car already out of sight, and I was riding on a bike sidewalk when suddenly a car wanted to make a quick turn into the alley from the street, crossing the road where I was riding down in high speeds. I was in its dead angle. I thought I could make a turn around the front of the car as it was driving slightly slowly into the alley - as there were no time to break. I crashed, flying uncontrollably while clinging to my bike at 25% of the initial speed. I landed on my elbow (with a slightly thick jacket on). The bike took some damage and I didnt initially feel too shooken up, nothing broken! I solved the situation with the driver and went to head home. But what if I would just wear a t-shirt? What If I would have landed on my head? These thoughts were very uncomfortable, but I knew that a loving integration was nessecary so I tried loving the scary thought that came up, displaying me falling on that elbow -skin to asphalt- and scraping in all up into a bloody mess, or me cracking my skull open. I tried noticing that these thoughts were just fears, and I could actually just die any time! Then constant paranoia wouldnt be helpful. How fragile we are. I came in touch with the fear of the ego today. I went into a hot shower to console myself and treat my wounds after that, I masturbated in the shower, and amazingly, all thoughts that needed consolation or that was emotionally challenging or displayed my current state - just disappeared! As soon as I touched my dick, my dick was all that mattered, all the wounds didnt count. I guess thats how it is, if we have a rewarding fulfilling goal in mind, we can easily break through our fears! I will invest in a helmet, but as long as I dont have one (and even when I get one) I will be much more carefull when on the bike, always knowing that something out of my power can come and kill me.
  3. Leading up to this: Woke up late, procrastinated on my Kriya yoga. Smoked some weed instead with the intent of reaching higher states of consciousness to potentially find some happiness. I ended up distracting myself. Smoked some more (more than intended) and went out for a run, ended up running 3km at 10 pm with low stamina due to the weed. Made myself comfortable at a bench waiting for a bus home, put on some binaural beats, meditated on the third eye for 20 minutes with pleasant results, then went on to listen to Leo's guided meditation with even more pleasant results. The bus arrived, meditated on the bus. When I arrived at the home station I went on to sit on the nearest bench immersed in a contemplative mood sitting silently in the lukewarm dark, observing the road in front of me. The contemplation (Paraphrased biased to writing down the juice): Because I got more aware due to the meditation, I could clearly see the content of every thought, this initiated a metaphysical contemplation about my belief that thoughts are the obstacles to truth. What am I? It feels as though all experience is separate from "me". I must be the observer! But what is the observer? The observer is just observing a bunch of thoughts, The thoughts represented me as an observer by describing trough the content of these thoughts a comprehensive picture with the purpose of identifying the observer with the thoughts represented! But then I was able to go meta on all of that and be able to observe the thoughts coming up. So, what am I? The observer kept observing the thoughts coming up, and no matter how hard the thoughts seemed to try to deceive, "I" could clearly distinguish them as being thoughts, "but if the observer isn't a thought, then what is it?" This question was another thought that was seen as a thought; the thoughts thought wouldn't take me to where they were pointing to! This process started to reveal more and more of a web of thoughts, almost like an expansion, a formless expansion, it was as though the observer "zoomed out" on the web of beliefs, but in this case, the observer was "(?)" so there were just more thoughts appearing. Then it hit me: Could it be that I AM the boundary between "me" and the world? This felt groundbreaking. Could it be that my sense of self is (me) is the very incarnation of the separation of truth? Im not separate from the ultimate duality, I AM the duality! If I were to eliminate this duality, I would literally die and become my hand! This possibility stood without validation, I didn't woke, but this felt so true, it shook my soul! A good analogy describing this: Think of an actor in a movie, but this movie is all-encompassing for the actor, like the matrix or the Truman show. The actor in the movie would never be able to know that he is inside a movie because all he got is the movie; he has built his web of beliefs on the unquestioned assumption that what he believes about reality is reality, and of course not a movie. He has based his paradigm on what he has seen, and all he has seen is actually the contents of the movie, but he assumes that the movie is actual reality, even worse, he assumes that his assumption about the movie is the actual reality. The actor is built on his fundamental assumption that what he thinks about reality is what reality actually is. If somebody would come up to this guy and say that he is in a movie, you'd have to kill him to make him admit otherwise. For it to be a movie, it must be based on a fundamental duality that the movie is not reality, otherwise, it wouldn't be a movie, it would be a reality show. For me to stay separate from reality (which I think I am), I have to be built on the assumption that I am not reality! And Im achieving this feat by being in constant identification & agreement with certain thoughts that constantly run in the back of my mind. Im actively, masterfully mistaking thoughts (which I have used reality to create) for being reality itself, and so im in this way constantly drawing a boundary between thoughts and reality and voila, thoughts have now completely disidentified with reality. I am the boundary, I am an identification with thoughts, that's all I am, a lie. Eventually, I gave in to the urge to wander home. Key takeaways: This has cleared up a lot of bullshit regarding my enlightenment goals. I will die! I will die, and I won't acquire anything. But the thought of merging with the other side of the bubble is something that will keep me cutting through all the bullshit unless I just forget about that thought or dilute myself. But this contemplation session has definitely refined the expectation & goals. Thoughts = the complete opposite of consciousness. This is a good clue. Every thought is built upon the intent of suppressing consciousness of the true self, and the thoughts do so in masterful ways. I can much more clearly see how consciousness leads to enlightenment. Don't believe that by thinking about truth in a more comprehensive manner such as this post, that you are now closer to the truth, no, you're just closer to feeling certain, which is not the truth. Truth is actually in the opposite direction, to access the truth you need to eliminate all thought! Stop thinking goddammit! Its gonna be a long journey.
  4. I have almost figured out my top 5 strengths, just gotta prioritize the last couple of them! Im quite excited to be finally moving on to the "finding your life purpose" part in the life-purpose course! Its what I initially set out to achieve with all of this. I do lack the positive motivation to keep me meditating, exercising, visualizing, taking cold showers, reading books, etc, and for me to do these things I had to whip myself and impose guilt and suffering on myself if I failed. Now I have let loose with the reason of eliminating that neuroticism. But this has made me complacent and lazy, so im forced to find positive motivation before my laziness backfires: Im essentially climbing down the stairs to make some fortification work on the foundations, and then I gotta climb back up again, with greater power than before. My biggest battle right now is maintaining the Kriya Yoga routine. The mind plays so many tricks to keep me away from doing the Kriya. In truth, most times the routine is heavenly, it feels good and I get positive thoughts, and the resistance just fades away 5 minutes into the practice. But I will go through endless ways of distracting myself just to avoid doing the routine, and the tragedy lies in that Im not currently able to ground my routine in something tangible, not in the force of habit (im waking up late), not in my vision (im not actively visualizing, no life purpose yet), and definitely not in my survival drive. On average this month, I have done the Kriya every other day. Im not gonna quit! Hell no, consciousness is my top value, but I just gotta go through this episode of growth to muster the sufficient strength. Right now there is a tug of war between consciousness work and life purpose for me - I only have the strength for one at a time at the moment (every other day). All you need is a goal and some time, and any mountain becomes an effortless climb. For me, it just matters that I have a mission in mind, then every step I take -whatever the step- is a step closer to actualization. My mission is too sweet to give up. I have only truly given up when I have given up on my mission, anything else is just sacrifice and acclimatization. NoFap: Day 0. The NeverNut has taken the most damage so far during this faze. It has started to become a bad habit of mine, a day for me could quite possibly look like this at the moment: Waking up at 2 pm, no motivation wanna go back to sleep. Aint tired enough, just laying in bed staring at my window and thinking. 2:30, Doing my hygiene routine 3:00: "Aww man, let's not meditate right now, go eat a pineapple, its 3 pm, you're hungry" 3:45: With the pineapple in the belly I can't do the Kriya, so I might as well work on the life purpose course for an hour 4:30: Starting to work on the course after checking youtube & forum 5:30: Dinner time! 7:00: Cant meditate with food in my belly, ah well, ill do it before sleep, let's do something on the computer instead 12:00: I really gotta meditate. *Clicks on the next video* 2:00: Aww man, it's super late and I don't wanna meditate... *Searches up porn on google* 3:00: Fuck, im too tired to meditate, ill just go to sleep. THE END My best days are the days where I don't touch the computer at all.
  5. Since my last post, I have been quite productive! Loosening up has paid off as now I can -with increasing clarity-see how my suffering works. If I know how im causing my suffering, a huge chunk of the unconscious suffering gets outsourced into certain choices... I know that I will feel bad by eating junk food, so should I eat that or should I eat something healthy? While loosening up, I consider my improvement to reside in how many good choices I can make every day. I still have a vision for the future which I am just following now less rigidly. One day I became so burdened by all the cravings for porn and video games in combination with missing out some days of Kriya yoga that I just couldn't take it anymore, a force from within overpowered the lower self to get my shit back together, and so I deleted all the games down to the root, cleaning up my computer and then sorting out my goals. I craved to take a direct path towards what im after with all of this, and that boiled down to simply to finish the life purpose! For the last few days, I have been thinking a lot about my strengths daily, recognizing how they play out in my daily life and directly thinking about what strengths fits my list (im taking the paid strength test from the life purpose course, It's far better than the free one). These strengths go down to the core of my ego, they cannot be replicated by doing external things, for example, in the free strength test you would have a strength called "appreciation of beauty & excellence" which I really relate with! Although if I think about it, I only have that strength because I eat really healthily and do my morning meditation/visualization routines, otherwise I would not have that ability, which entails that it's not my core strength. I had a conversation with a guy today which really proved how strong of a "Relator" I am, this means that I can put myself in other's shoes with a desire to deepen the relationship, to know the other person and to build the relationship on authenticity for the benefit of the both of us. I can easily deepen a relationship by talking about deeper parts of myself and encourage that in the other person as well. This combines with my communication skills and my other strengths to be a really smooth and valuable process. I tried building the start of our relationship on radical honesty, really letting the guy know what I want out of our relationship and what I think about it right now. I actively tried to not build the relationship on lies that comes with not saying the right things, for example, if I really don't think the guy is a good fit for me, I will tell him what im actually searching for in a guy-guy:friend relationship and then honestly tell him that we might not see each other that often based on our split interests - of course, we must relate to each other enough for this to work; If he hears my words then we can adapt to spend higher quality time together, but if he does not want that, we can split up. This either saves a lot of suffering or improves the relationship. Many people just hide their true feelings and intentions with their relationships, which will end up in boring mundane conversations with shallow relationships that never goes deep. Our conversations ended up going pretty deep and being really satisfying considering how different we are. With honesty, we have adapted to each other quite a bit to know our collective interests more easily, which results in a more satisfying relationship. I know that the NeverNut will resolve as soon as I can make my schedules work. At the moment, im waking up at noon and going to sleep late. I can only make my plans work if I wake up early, and having them there in the background really puts some spice into it by promoting a certain pattern which in turn will deconstruct the old patterns of PMO-Self-Sabotage. Since I last posted I have relapsed every other day, always at night. Im suffering for it, but this is good. Try try again.
  6. Time for an update. Honestly, I have not felt the need to update this journal. I have been loosening up: What do I mean by loosening up? Well, Im essentially letting go of all my self-imposed negative motivation while still being goal oriented. Instead of hinging my progress on how hard I beat myself up, im rather hinging my progress on my actual progress, on how good I will feel if I follow my positive motivations. It has given results. My desire to live the good life has increased, which boils down to me having more motivation to do my schedules. I have loosend up alot of neurotisicm within my routines which now makes them more manageable, for example not overdoing Kriya Pranayama, not overdoing my excersize, loosening up my schedule to make it look more like a to-do list which does not make my motivation being neurotically dependent upon my schedule being perfect, etc. I can easily dilute myself here and go play video games and binge porn, but the catch is that I will suffer for it! And the more I get drawn towards my positive motivations, the more I experience how all these distractions are limiting me. Its an intimate process, im learning what should be done trough direct experiance, as opposed to what Leo says in his videos about what should be done. If I skip my Kriya yoga, I will suffer alot. If I eat aomething unhealthy, I directly experience suffering. I feel like I will have to go trough this process of intimately and more authentically getting in touch with my positive and negative drives while exploring trough subjective experience why they work. Im actually very productive this way. I simply suffer so much by distracting myself that I just do the work instead. NoFap: Day 2: I had a 6 day streak that got busted 2 days ago, I have not fapped since. Now im more than ever in touch with the suffering that comes with PMO. I can see how it makes me objectify women, it makes me restless, hungry, tired, etc. All of these reminders washes over me instantly whenever I crave for PMO nowadays, and that surely summons some results! I want to depend my PMO motivation on authenticity + my values - on what I have experienced and what I want to experience. I have found that this slowly but surely gets the job done. Ill try to post here more regularely, supported by the progress of my routines. This is an update of what I have been going the last 2 weeks which has hindered me from posting. I have actually never felt more free.
  7. I have listened to all songs posted here, downloaded a few, but I feel like we have not struck the core of this issue; the ego has to die, but it will cling like a beast:
  8. All my prior reports of 5-MeO have descended a step down in my intensity scale in comparison to this one. Dose: 36mg's 5-MeO-DMT Oxalate (Some leaks during administration). ROA: Plugged. Duration: 1.10h Set&Setting: Sufficient, could have been better. I ate a couple of light meals before doing the trip and I took 50mg's of Modafinil when I woke up (noon). I administered at 8 pm two hours after eating a pineapple after a day full of egoic distractions. My sister was home, my mother came home in the middle of the trip. Report: I had a calling for 5-MeO, and immediately I was showered with excuses on why I shouldn't do this today; I didn't have a good day, I was not strong enough, etc. But after my last trip, I came to realize that a calling was sufficient to initiate a trip. The calling would not come if I would not be authentically ready. I weighed out the 5-MeO, did my Kriya, took a shit, went to visualize love and surrender, then I prepared the syringe and administered. I went down to sit on my couch with my iPad filming from the right side of the couch (this didn't bother me). I lightheartedly set an intention to experience infinite love during this trip as I assumed that this would be a breakthrough dose based on previous trips. As I sat down, the casual monkey mind started playing and I quickly forgot about my intention. I sat comfortably on my couch and I felt ready to surrender into death. I started sensing that familiar butt sting and soon after that -while having a smile on my face, amused by some thought that came around- the smile quickly turned serious and I noticed that the trip has begun. I started to sense the body load and the fear coming up, the thoughts getting a bit more serious, but no awareness as of yet! Almost like my body was reacting against the awareness, successfully blocking it for now. I kept my eyes open and my heart started beating faster and faster, I started breathing faster and faster but then it quite suddenly calmed down and I was left with a familiar sense of frustration and disappointment as I thought that this was the extent of the trip (I based the strength of the trip on how fast my heart was beating lol), I noticed this and decided to ride it out and see how much deeper this would go. I started getting more aware, the monkey mind disappeared and the body load got heavier. Slowly, these effects got more magnified until my heart started racing again, and I was breathing heavily once more, but I was not feeling the rush as clearly as before under the strong body load I was experiencing now. At this point, I noticed that my sense of self started shrinking, but this was not as clear as in my previous trip as this time I had my eyes open, with my focus on the outside and not the inside. I started getting uncomfortable, some light fear started coming up, I felt as though I was almost constantly residing in the "flinch" (a term describing the emotional state you experience in the decisive moment of going to do something emotionally difficult). I surrendered into this by trying to shower whatever came into my experience with love, and so that would eventually break through into love, which made the discomfort disappear and left me in this beautiful super calm state until another reason to be afraid popped up in the mind. I surrendered into the discomfort by kind of going "meta" on the discomfort (disindentifying with it, observing it) and then trying to shower it with love. At the peak, the body lead was quite heavy, I would have about 10% of my sober strength available and that felt quite imprisoning. I was constantly surrendering into fears that regarded the body load but mostly regarding how absent the ego was at that moment. I could clearly see whatever thoughts were arising, and objects in front of me started losing their meaning. I was in such mental peace that my body reacted to it in a magnificent way, the jaw moving around "in awe" and my face occasionally making certain expressions. This was definitely a state of no-self, as "I" was completely absent but the world was still there. Some questions of "who am I" popped into my mind without any sort of answer. The mind was subtly bringing up Leo's teachings of nonduality and all of that, especially concepts coming from the latest episode (Understanding Duality). I just sat there, in awe, mostly looking at one point in my room (my salt lamp in the gaze in front of me), but I would occasionally shift my gaze to my legs, hands, the floor, etc. There were some very subtle visuals, almost like reality was permeated with a layer of "blinding spots", like the colors you would see after looking at the sun, but this layer was originated as if though I would have looked on a really bright version of the room I was looking at! Comparable to the subtle visuals you get when holding your breath... At one point, I was amazed to discover that the difference between my body sensations and the color of the sky I was looking at was melting away. The color blue became my body sensations because the thought that would commonly immediately separate them apart didn't appear at that moment! But I was having some trouble with melting the duality between green and blue. I then relaxed my gaze into my pants and my neck became a little uncomfortable from that, and from that arose some thoughts worrying about the body, but I surrendered that, reminding myself that I might actually die but that's okay and that was somehow comforting. As I looked into my pants -without intention- for like 3 minutes I suddenly noticed that I have no idea of what the patterns in my pants are representing! And then some thoughts came up regarding the patterns like "oh, that's a flower", "these pants much have been intentionally made!" and I found those facts to be quite amazing at that moment as I was also observing the thoughts as they arose right out of nowhere. Towards the end of the trip, the body load was so bad that it became quite frightening (if I would not surrender into the fear I would have panicked), I was not experiencing any nausea, but I was worried about my body temperature being out of wack, especially as the window was open. I eventually gave in to the urge of closing my window and covering myself with a blanket, and as I did that I felt safe! And any thought that came after that was met with love and gratitude. I turned towards the camera and spoke calmly a summarization, but I loved admiring the elevation of authenticity I was experiencing. My mother was worried because I had locked my door and not answered the phone and as I hear her walking around in the corridor, It was very easy for me to put myself in her situation, into her first-person experience and feel what she was experiencing, and that makes me really compassionate. It made me also cringe on how selfish I used to be around her, virtually never putting myself in her shoes. Eventually, the body load subsided as I got distracted by the iPad. Insights: I need a stronger base of knowledge! As I was looking down at the patterns in my pants I realized that the magnificence of the pants resided in how I thought about them! And as I sat covered in the blanket, I was having a lot of happy thoughts, which enhanced the experience. What if I would contemplate reality daily, what if I would do self-inquiry? What if I would read 100 books, how satisfying would reality be then? And how would that affect the trip, would it make it deeper? Yes. Just like that guy that got enlightened when he was 4, he never realized that because of his lack of knowledge. I need to give more love and be less selfish. I went on to watch my first vlog ever recorded (which I spent some minutes laughing and cringing to the day before) and now as I watched it during the comedown, I didn't cringe, I just put myself in my own shoes to understand how I felt back then, and I got amazed by how calm I used to be back then! If im laughing an cringing, I ain't aware. I need to be more compassionate, putting myself in other's shoes in order to relate to them and to love them. Duality resides in the mind! If al thought seizes to exist, I believe that you would quickly realize that awareness permeates everything you see (taking the form of everything you see) and it can take on the form of anything, and so it happens to also takes the form of deceiving thoughts (duality) and tada! I need to make more art. What if I could give myself to an art, and forget all this struggle, totally committing myself to my art and living it selflessly? Just like Jiro, the sushi master, doing his thing in ecstasy. The peak was quite uncomfortable physically, but it helps if I enter with strength! If I can take a cold shower and surrender into that with love, living my life closer to my full potential, then I can say with confidence that the capacity to surrender into upcoming trips would be enhanced. If you immerse yourself in thoughts, you quickly become unaware by design. This is why it's impossible to imagine the truth! Thoughts can never grasp (describe) consciousness because consciousness comes prior to thought. Thoughts can never describe the color red because the color red comes prior to thoughts! Thoughts can never describe the observer because the observer comes prior to thought. This trip was not a breakthrough but it contains some valuable lessons for me moving forward. Next time administer 40mg's, trying to avoid leakage. Next trip will be planned beforehand so that it's done on the morning in a more comfortable set&setting. Thank you for reading, my love!!
  9. What do you mean by "A decent into trip?" I mean, you have told me that on like every trip report I have made so far... Does this mean I have not even begun yet?
  10. Day 0 Yesterday I broke my 9-day streak after watching porn and today I gave into the caving of watching porn and playing with my genitals to pass time; a recipe for weaksauce. These relapses really felt unavoidable, yesterday I didn't do anything else than distract myself with an iPad, relaxing in a couch the rest of the day where I woke up at noon. Today I relapsed once for pretty much the same reasons. And so I have arrived at the crucial insight that I have to create momentum in my schedule, to get my habits going so that the distractions won't get to me, and I know that my motivation lies in me seeing how capable I am of doing this and succeeding this battle. I just need to get some momentum, get the actions flowing! I can as clearly as ever see how NoNut will become effortless with the support of my schedules. Im gonna walk my talk, just you wait. I am becoming more conscious, very slowly but steadily. Im at least getting more and more aware of how im deluding myself and of the lies that I spin. I attended a party the recent weekend which caused me to derail the momentum of 3 awesome days of work (topped off with an excellent piano performance within an orchestra, a life-changing experience within my music career.) Authenticity: At the party I tried to be more authentic because I started getting aware (intentionally) of the different masks I start wearing in different social situations, for example, if I talk my native language (Swedish) with my mother, that would represent one certain social mask that I can wear, and a different one would be the mask I wear when I talk to my sister, and another one is for my father, and another one is for when I talk English with friends at the party and some more masks appear when I change the dialect to Russian or Swedish or American (while still talking English). Now, which one of these is my authentic self? At one instance at the party I caucht myself being so "not myself" that I revolted. So, to get myself closer to my authentic self, I tried replicating my "neutral self", I put on the mask that I would wear when I would be talking to my mother, as I figured it would be more authentic based on how spontaneous that mask made me act... but how do I know that even that is "more authentic"? I guess my authentic personality lies prior to the masks I wear. Instead of representing myself through the mask, I represent the mask trough myself, in a more spontaneous way. I notice that I automatically wear my social masks when I feel a certain way, e.g I change dialect depending on my mood, depending on how I feel in that moment. I don't know the Truth, so I can not tap into true authenticity, but I intuit that I get closer to my true personality the more I stop lying. If I intentionally wear a mask, then im not authentic! Because then I put on a mask over my true personality. But if I take away all the masks, wont I just be silent? No! Because then I reveal my true face! What is a mask? Its actually a thought process that intends to spawn certain behaviors for a certain reason. If I let go of the mask (the thoughts) then Im more authentic! Why am I not the mask itself? Because im the observer of it. How does this translate into behavior? The fewer thoughts spawned while "behaving", the more authentic that behavior is. I found that the observing the thoughts that come up when I behave a certain way (rather than engaging within the thought stream), draws a line between my authentic self and the mask, and so by observing the mask, acknowledging it as a mask, dissolves it. "Being yourself" does not equal selfishness, these are actually the opposite!! If you are selfish, you will spawn and follow through on plans in your mind of how to serve yourself, and that makes you intentionally (unconsciously) engage in a certain behavior that serves that purpose, and that is just a mask you put on, the selfish mask. Being yourself = Being spontanious, not thinking, thoughtless behavior. The kinds of thoughts you can obey and engage in goes very deep. You can obey urges, you can obey intentions, you can obey deception and lies and not being authentic. True authenticity requires prenetrating the deepest lie into truth. Conscoiusness and antuehenticity goes hand in hand. I have loosened up, its almost as though im seeing trough my rigidness. I see that the rigidness is causing me suffering and so I just can't help but letting go of it. If I would wake up at noon 6 months ago, I would suffer immensely due to my self-imposed rigidness, but now if I would wake up at noon I would still probably achieve the same results that day as I would 6 months ago just without the suffering and rather with acceptance. Im not saying that im letting go of my habits and quitting, I still have my purpose in mind, im generally trying my best! Im just letting go of my self imposed negative motivation which causes me alot of suffering.
  11. Day 2: It is time for an update! Life: Being less rigid with this journal definitely helps! I realize that I don't need to post in this journal every single day if I don't feel like it, for this to be healthy I must prioritize practicality over self-imposed obligations. Previously I would feel guilty if I didn't post here because my initial commitment was to post here every day as I thought that posting in this accountability every day was what my success with NoNut hinged upon. I am growing out of that mindset, I am letting loose: If I start from the bottom up, doing my day without the guilt of "not doing enough" I see that I am actually savoring the moment much more and I feel much better doing every task! I must enter my schedule with a mindset that allows me to do the schedule on point, but also without having my daily success hinging on the schedule, not having to guilt myself into doing the schedule because -just as with this journal- I assumed that the schedule is the only thing that will motivate me to do these hard things. A schedule is actually just a certain structure I can impose on a day to make it as efficient as possible, but my motivation to do Kriya Yoga should not hinge upon the success of a schedule, because then the Kriya itself will become boring and soulless as my motivation lies in doing a schedule correctly, rather than what Kriya will directly benefit me with. Im still trying my best to do the schedules as that's the most efficient way, but what this period of failure has shown me is to appreciate my daily tasks for what they directly do for me because I have gotten more in touch with the suffering that arrives if I distract myself from doing my daily tasks. It's actually much easier for me to do a schedule rather than distracting myself the whole day long. It's just some fear to push through. NoFap: I have fapped to porn several times since the last update, but now im more in touch with the actuality of it rather than having a veil of guilt covering me from actually seeing for myself why PMO is bad! Writing less in this journal has definitely helped to remove the guilt to reveal the actuality of this addiction; If I fap, I tend to get more tired and drained, weaker and with less "Oumph!", doing my daily thing essentially becomes more difficult for me to do and while cravings come now and then but also a lot more thoughts of PMO permeating my consciousness, subconsciously driving me to perpetuate the addiction. As I see more of where this cycle leads me, I more naturally choose to let go of cravings and thoughts as I can more strongly anticipate the good life that lies beyond them. Im gonna work hard on my schedules, Im gonna wake up early tomorrow. A guy has moved into our apartment so out financial issues are resolved but also puts another atmosphere for me to work in. Summer is on its way! The breakthrough is slowly approaching as Im solving the roots of my problems.
  12. I just watched the movie "Leon" and I think it's my new favorite movie, I almost cried at the end, the movie is such a work of art. In a sense, I am just like Leon, sometimes I live my life without love, without enthusiasm, sometimes I do things, searching for something, searching for the taste of life. Mathilda in that movie showed Leon the taste of life and the force of love and she indirectly forced Leon to open himself up to that rather than keep being closed off by the rigid lifestyle he lived before. She gave him a taste of purpose, she showed him how to love and he developed a new taste for life! At this moment in my life, im so out of touch with that muse, out of touch with letting loose and opening myself up to love! I create these rigid rules that bound me, but in a sense, that is necessary for me to cultivate love in the first place, but in another sense, it makes me focus too much on the rules without considering the love, and that makes it all fall apart. I tend to cut many things out, I keep trying to avoid girls, porn, my family, my addictions, video games, even my work, just to keep my life in check. As im all alone on this journey, I am driven by the fear of letting loose, and as following certain rules with discipline is the ultimate freedom, sometime in the attempt of doing that I can't manage to set my love free. I sometimes see myself being strong and stoic, neutral and faceless, but I don't have the strength to be vulnerable and to love freely. Maybe I have misunderstood what my life is really about. Im just like Leon, confused, putting myself through these rigid rules trying to find my heart, dealing cards as a meditation... I want to love you, I want to love my family, my sister, myself, my fears, my addictions, I want to love death, I want to love what im doing! I want to be free, boundless to love everything. I guess this desire leads me all along, entrusting me into these rigid rules and schedules for the sake of love. I want to do exactly what I do now, but I want to love it! I want to live it, I want to see the beauty of it, I wanna cry, I want to express my love, I see how I have built everything to be on track to fulfill that, but the only one standing in the way is myself. I might have to die, making this come true. Killing myself for the sake of love... ahh, Leon <3
  13. @Leo Gura I use the Oxalate. I have not had any breaktroughs yet to put perspective on the dosage requirements and I have not tried HCI for perspective either, but Oxalate definitely works. Snorting 12mg's of Oxalate gave about the same results as I would read HCI would give to someone else. Although when using your method of plugging I seemed to need much more (up to 55mg's with that method so far), but recently I tried another plugging method found here which ended up demanding much less of a dosage (30 mg's) to actually be deeper than the 55mg trip, (here is the 30mg's trip report). In my case; as for snorting, I think that the Oxalate has the same potency as the HCI and as for plugging I think that my technique is more responsible for the potency of the trip. I would confidently predict that the Oxalate stings as much as the HCI (from reading reports). It has a pleasant smell-free sting that feels in the gums when snorting, and when plugging it just causes slight discomfort in the rectum. Grounding up the salt and heating it up slightly does not seem to affect potency. I stored some ground up salt for a month exposed to oxygen (not heat or light though) and it seemed to retain its full potency. The specific version of oxalate I got my hands on is 97% pure but does not dissolve in water too well, I have not tried to mix it in with distilled water, but to mix it in with tap water I have to ground it up and and heat it up using a spoon and a lighter. 50mg's barely does not dissolve in 0.9ml of water even with applied heat, (and as the solution cools down the chrystals will reform) so that seems to be the satiation limit. I had no troubles dilluting 30mg's into 0.7ml of water.
  14. @Sharp Id suggest attempting to overdose on your 5-MeO, that would give you the whole shebang but also a chance to come back! You don't wanna risk reincarnation, do you?
  15. @Leo Gura Welcome back!! I feel so lucky to have you here, missed you a lot. There is something about what you say that puts everything in the right direction, it takes all problems and doubts out of the way while still keeping the ego in check. Love it!!!
  16. Leo Gura Doing my morning routine at night Some 5-MeO collecting dust in my closet Winter My piano teacher
  17. @Wisebaxter Back in the days I used to go to the school toilet and try to find that "perfect fantasy" that would get me off. I would usually sit there for an hour or so during the breaks. I don't do much intentional masturbation to fantasizing, sometimes I do the visualization itself but I have never really tried both at the same time, I highly doubt it will benefit me. But what did benefit me back when I did my last 6-month streak (ending about a year ago) was "spiritual masturbation" which is masturbation without thinking but rather to feel into it as much as possible, doing it slowly. After I have not watched porn for 6 months, the only faps I did was these "spiritual faps" which then just made me realize that it was not worth it! Maybe I should incorporate this method again. Nowadays I never give myself leeway to fap intentionally, I usually relapse only if my willpower to resist it runs out... @Marinus Contemplation: It's like fear of mine, and even if I'm streaking, even if my schedule goes all well, there is this nagging fear in the back of my mind, a fear of relapse, the fear of waking up in a rut. It seems like I'm treating a relapse like the end of the world, maybe because I'm treating a streak like the only thing that will bring me to my dreams. Why? It seems like I'm so out of touch with my authentic purpose that I have assigned the source of my strength to NoFap rather than the positive motivation of my purpose. If I would truly be living my life purpose I would be streaking but even if I would relapse to porn one day, that would not hinder my motivation to work! But right now, it does. If I relapse nowadays its because my work is so damn difficult that I sometimes need to escape it, but doesn't that mean that the fault lies in the difficulty of my work rather than the actual relapse itself? Maybe. If I apply a strong sense of purpose into my work then I can see myself working more without thinking about PMO all the time because I can trust that my purpose is always more preferable! I can trust that ultimately the good will prevail. Why do I fear a relapse? Because I know that im capable of diluting myself into one, but why is that not okay? If I relapse, I feel back at square one, maybe it is that I'm banging my head against the wall but not seeing any progress in what I'm doing, and so the only way I see the progress is in how many days I have not fapped, because that means that my purpose is "finally prevailing!" I'm trying to do everything all at once, its either a perfect schedule or a bad day, I'm still working on getting that morning routine to work and that has hindered me to do the crucial work that comes after the morning routine is done, and its precisely in that work which I am measuring my results, and I have not done that work for like a month now. Im doing the Kriya every single day which in turn backlashes me back into oblivion. But im progressing, this needs to be done, there is no way around it. This is much harder than I thought it would be, but its just a matter of time. Action steps: Prioritizing my life purpose work, prioritizing visualization, attempting to implement leeway for spiritual masturbation rather than a porn relapse, keep trying really hard. Regarding your question though, maybe it would be helpful if I would keep my posts shorter as I also have some emotional labor attached to writing these posts, and that makes me think about them more. If I would just write about the most valuable insights that I get rather than trying to update the journal for the sake of the audience then that would be much easier, I'm gonna try to do this right now actually: Day 0 I relapsed 3 times the last 3 days. one of them was really insightful, the other ones were me distracting myself. I did spiritual masturbation where I completely surrendered my genitals, my body was really relaxed and it felt like my penis didn't even exist, I completely surrendered all that tension. This made me last much longer, but I can also see the potential of this! What resulted from this was just the regular old pleasure, but as I was grounded at the moment without using the pleasure to escape something, I could see how useless the pleasure was! The real potential of the erection lies in how much love you can fill your partner with, in that bed full of electricity and passion. But even that scenario is not that useful... for a man, he would always prefer his purpose, and at that moment I could see how that made sense. For the last few days, my awareness has increased by a lot. The Kriya yoga is paying off, and now I can see how the ego tries to suppress that awareness! I can see how I'm trying to backlash myself every day. My problem is definitely distraction, but that comes from my work being so grueling and life-changing. But I can't half-ass the work! I need to keep doing just like this until it gets easier or something. Just gotta keep going, I'm not giving up, I'm just weak at the moment. Stronger on Monday though, I promise.
  18. @Wisebaxter The issue is porn, yes, but nutting would make me crave porn! The issue with porn is that it locks me into the addiction, it makes my mind geared towards pursuing porn and preferably nothing else, and that creates a lot of friction. Porn makes me crave PMO much more. But if I nut in of itself (considering that I nut and nothing else) then that would not have too much of an impact, (nutting every week or so). The issue with nutting (for me) is that its a gateway for porn, but it also keeps me away from enjoying the benefits of nonut. I have tried just nutting as a way to solve my addiction, and that actually lead me to streak! But at the moment, I feel like solving my lifestyle problems will hit 2 birds with one stone. I feel like it will make me streak but also get me on track with my purpose at the same time, so Im going for NoNut rather than NoPorn. Day 1: 4/10 Today was one of those days again. I woke up late with no motivation at all to do anything (I went to sleep later than anticipated the night before with food in my belly), but I didn't relapse! Even though it was just as tempting as the day before. I have learned my lesson and so I was a little more productive than the day before. I had some more of those special cravings I mentioned yesterday, but I got out of them. This feels much like an ego-backlash, but ill keep trying. This time I will go to sleep without food in my belly, waking up to a good schedule for tomorrow. I have observed that one of my core strengths is that I can not do something the same way over and over again if it does not work, but even if it does work, im always focused on improving what im doing in one way or another. I always need to find a new and better way of doing things if I see that what im doing is not working. I am essentially going out of my way to not do the same mistake over again without gaining any benefit from doing so, im in this constant need for growth, wanting to learn how to do things properly. "Learning" is one of my core strengths.
  19. Day 11: 6/10 - Relapse Leading up to day 11 has was easy, 1/10, but this was "one of those days". It's quite funny, because those days are usually the lowest point of consciousness Ill reach on my journey nowadays. Leading up to today though, I revisited the video games, I wanted to have some fun on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I like to play Minecraft as I have some decent skills and knowledge about the game, but also as it is multiplayer-based and in certain servers you can enjoy great success if you are good enough. For example, some servers are made to soothe your ego, they value fame, economy and material growth, and as there are other players there with you, it feels real. I ended up doing really great within the server (and if you do good enough they will pay you money), and I worked on it for 15 hours across 2 days. It sapped my strength and after the sessions, I experienced a lot of suffering, because I essentially over-used the video games in order to distract myself, but I had to face reality at some point. I deleted the game soon enough and left with a couple of insights: The in-game success (even though I got on 2 hours as much as a normal player would get in 1 month) is not fulfilling. The best moment of the game was actually when I gave all of my stuff away to the other players as I had enough of the game. It felt good being praised in game and such, but as I observed myself in the heat of that moment, I was not really fulfilled, I actually suffered. Being a success machine was grueling work! It was not fun, it was pretty boring, to say the least. Pursuing maximum success ain't fun. My real life success (within my schedules) is magnitudes more fulfilling than playing the game. Of course! I'm just staring at a screen escaping reality, the success I had there only felt neurotic. So, I woke up late today without the motivation to do anything at all, and I noticed a hidden craving taking place. I wanted to fantasize. This craving was like an ordinary urge, but then it got kind of embedded into my subconscious as a mission, as a path I'm committing to. It felt as though I would have to do something else quickly or else It would lead myself into a relapse. But I was not conscious enough in that moment and so went on to fantasize, then on to touch my dick, and then I relapsed. But it all began with that single urge, coming forth in my weakest moment. I can see myself being able to resist the urge, only if I had enough motivation to do something else. Then I cleaned myself up, but I had to do the Kriya yoga, and it was 3 pm, which made me feel that I would not achieve anything else that day, it made me feel that the Kriya would not be worth it, so I decided to escape it, and once again that urge came, that subconscious craving came forth for me to go watch youtube on my laptop in order for me to eventually watch porn. And so I went along the same old patterns and wasted 1-hour watching porn and eventually relapsing into it. The relapse there was so that I could just take myself out of the loop and go for a run because I knew that I would not be able to stop otherwise. What have I learned? Well, I now intimately know that if I'm weak enough to give in to the urge, then I have lost, then I'm not gonna be able to summon the strength to get out of the loop, by the same reasons I got into the loop in the first place, so, I need to commit to my schedule even more, at least wake up early as this has been a persisting problem the last few days that has severely crippled me. I have also implemented much stronger distraction limitations that will buy me more time if I even find myself in the claws of a subconscious urge again. I know that I will commit to this and solve the problem, and thus I know that "one of those days" will actively be prevented. As "one of those days" is the only thing that will make me relapse (sub 10 days), I know that I will be streaking pretty soon. Then I will meet the next threshold barrier which will be the deficiency need of sex, but I will deal with that soon as well (sexual transmutation; I will sill NeverNut).
  20. Day 6 & 7: 1/10, 2/10 Life: Yesterday I woke up late and went to sleep really late, but not due to distracting myself too much, I actually worked that night. Before that, I ate at this restaurant called Koizen, its a high-end omekase sushi restaurant here in Sweden, and I paid 100$ for the whole thing. The experience was life changing, worth every penny. When you are present and aware in that kind of an atmosphere, you are in for a playful and living adventure. That experience has opened doors of new potential for me in regards to cooking, but also my capacity to enjoy the beauty of food! I have this bad habit of mindlessly eating my meals, turning a blind eye to the potential of enjoying the incredible feminine energy the food experience has to offer!! This is also probably what makes me so frustrated, unconscoisly and constantly turning a blind eye to the embracement of the infinite potential of feminine energy that reality holds around me. NoFap: Has been going smoothly. I had a couple of cravings today that actually was not related to distraction. I didnt get swayed by this and instead started to focused completly on the task at hand (My weekly cleaning job), and without the distracting thoughts, I was able to connect into a quite fulfilling and playful and insightful flow! This experience motivates me even more to double down on doing complete and successful schedules, because I know that the schedules are constructed perfectly by me, for me to induce flow and playfulness!
  21. I can't really say that this is "sub-breakthrough" as I yet have no clue how deep the hole goes, but this was definitely more powerful than my previous Medium doses. The night before: I had a critical insight after snorting 15mg's of 5-MeO (due to a calling from the higher self) the night before and it was that I am much more ready for 5-MeO than I would initially think. How prepared you are for a psychedelic is always something you feel in the now, whether it is a concept or a physical/emotional sensation. But realize that your readiness for the substance does not reside within a concept! Its a feeling, it's a calling, but not an idea like: (oh, im ready for 5-MeO now because I have been tripping on mushrooms 3 times now and have meditated for 3 months until now). You must have the calling at the moment, and that comes from your heart, its an emotional thing, and that is the best preparation you can have at any moment. ROA, Plugging: Let me elaborate a bit on how I administered the substance. I have done some research and I stumbled upon this article which presented a new way of plugging, and after I bought some lube and practiced ways to make the administration more efficient, I felt ready again to plug: I ground up the oxalate salt, weighted out 30mg, poured that into a spoon, added .6 ml of water, heated the spoon with a lighter, mixed well, added water-based lube and sucked up the solution into a needle-less 1ml syringe with tape wrapped around the half of its length. Then I stood up, dipped the syringe in the lube and plugged the syringe, I squirted in the substance over a span of 7 seconds with my anus completely relaxed and after that, I went on to sit on the couch. I had no expectations for this dose, and I didn't know what was going to happen. The administration method was new, but the dose was far less than what I have taken before to achieve a medium dose. The trip: After 5-10 minutes of waiting with my eyes closed and with an open relaxed posture in symmetry on my couch, I noticed the familiar dark thoughts appearing, shortly thereafter as I surrendered I felt my awareness rising, and with that came an odd sensation of my sense of self getting distorted; imagine sitting in your asana and suddenly the physical sensations of your body starts wobbling, like the way you conceive the shape of your body at that moment, rapidly changes. For me, the sensations of my body started changing its location, my body became much smaller or much wider, it started morphing and shifting in size and shape. Along with this came certain thoughts, depicting how the body looked like at that moment, and these thoughts showed how my body was morphing and how my sense of self was shrinking, like the thought of "me" (my self-image) being morphed just like the sensation of my body, getting smaller and smaller, its hard to describe how the thoughts were depicting this. The body started becoming more insignificant, almost like it shrunk from the size of the original body into the size of a pea, and then this aura of awareness started permeating where the body before taking place, like how my body shrinks to 1% of its size and then awareness comes along and permeates the other 99% of the space that was previously occupied by the sense of self. As this started to happen my heart started racing vigorously. I started breathing heavily and I tried my best to surrender. In that moment I could see how one could cling on to their sense of self while it was shrinking like this, by projecting the observer into the shrinking little body, trying to expand it again and resist the death of it, resisting the experience, at that moment I especially chose to surrender completely into the experience instead of trying to cling. Fear started arising, fear of death, fear of losing control, fear of the unknown, but also along with some excitement; if I just could keep surrendering I would know the truth! I was also able to successfully summon love in that moment of fear, which helped me to surrender the clinging. But the experience, unfortunately, didn't get deeper than this. After a short while, the normal sense of the body was regained and the fear and breathing stopped. I was just left with this marvelous awareness, this calmness that spawned a large amount of love and playfulness, and with that, I got out of the couch to play some piano and I immediately went into the flow falling in love with it. The love I felt for that selfless playing was unlike anything before. Then I also spend 20 minutes adoring myself in the mirror, making out with the mirror, enjoying being aware of how beautiful the body is. That moment felt completely authentic as if I would not think twice about licking the mirror. The awareness subsided about an hour after the fear subsided, and I was back at normal about 1h and 15 minutes after administration. Insight: Awareness is the most worthwhile "thing" to pursue. It's paramount to become aware of yourself! Of the body, of your neuroticism, of your purpose, of your needs and wants, of your economy, of your self-deceptions and lies, of the beauty of reality, of the true Self, etc. Awareness is the essence of all these things! And you can't really be happy without awareness. In a moment during the trip, I could clearly see the importance of raising consciousness. Next time I have the calling I will administer 36mg's the same way as I did now. I can see where this is going, the sense of self will get blasted into a million pieces or something like that. As a wise man once said: "You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow."
  22. @Wisebaxter Plugging is easy when you know what you are doing, it's quite quick to prepare as well. You only need needle-less syringes and then only some kitchen tools to make it work. If you can't do that then you can always snort the 5-MeO which is efficient by itself, but plugging is far superior compared to it. Here are my other 5-MeO reports if you feel engaged: