Igor82

Day 16: 5/10 - I Relapsed Hahahaha im really exctied, hear me out til the end! I was productive today, but it was labor work so I was not that entustiastic to work, so at the end of the day, I thought of taking a hot shower rather than a cold shower, just to relax. This was my reward. Usually when I take hot showers I masturbate in the bathtub, but I deliberately set the intention to not touch my dick, just to enjoy the shower itself I ended up doing some "experiments", Note: The "experiment" mentality is what I have found to be one of the sneakiest games the mind plays on me, starting with small and convenient actions that seduces me to then builds up to a relapse... I stimulated my nipples and suddenly my dick got hard, but I was not drawn to touching it, but it was really interesting, when I touched my nipples, I got all of this sexual energy! Out of curiosity I went with it, I stimulated both my nips while breathing into the sexual energy, breathing down the front and exhaling up the spine, and it felt good, too good. I ended up stimulating the nips more trying to recreate that state of sexual energy bliss, but it didnt work. I had in mind the experiment mentality, always thinking to myself that it wont end in a relapse, I even thought of going to the journal and writing about how my streak is going smoothly, but I didnt want to withdraw yet, the warmth felt too good. I was so into experimenting, I tried stuff I have never done, such as trying to spurt water into my peehole using the hose, after doing that for a little while it got pretty predictable and boring.. I ended up with the hose spraying down water on my exposed glans, and that alone actually got me near the edge (never happend before), and at that moment I thought that I would be able to orgasm without ejaculating (Mantak Chia style), but that didnt work and I ejaculated without touching my dick (Huge load, shit!) I admit, I gave into it all, I got into this self deceptive loop of "experiment mentality" and ended up orgasming. Looking back, I did my best, and I ended up spilling my milk like it was fully out of my control, the hot shower was doomed to fail. Takeaways: I really really want to continue this challenge! Im actually fucking ecstatic to continue this challenge, like Im certain that this roadblock is defeated. Due to the lack of control (and really lack of touch and fantasy), I would actually want to consider this on the level of a wet dream, but it technically isn't. Im not beating myself up, I have 0 guilt, I am actually more excited about this challenge now as I can take into account one more pitfall. I have the same willpower to resist cravings, I feel on the verge of integrating this as a lifestyle, where as in the past, all willpower was coming from me having a streak, being on a challenge or having an accountability partner, but now I feel like the source of my willpower is coming from a vision of what I can be, I am ready to let go and move into the lifestyle of NeverNut. This is the peak of masculine power!! I also really want to keep sharing this journey with you guys, im not gonna quit this journal, and certainly not this path! Action steps for future hot showers: Maximum 20 minutes, If I intentionally touch my penis (except for cleaning) during the shower, I will have to switch the water to cold immediately. My friends, I have technically relapsed, and although this experience(lessons) was so damn beneficial for me, this is the end of my streak. Tomorrow I will have to reset the count (If I dont, my self trust coming from this journal will diminish, and the motivation coming from this journal will disappear) I love you all! <3

@Sahil Pandit I don't get it, I wanted to say "4 days my ass", but that ninja emoji signifies a deeper purpose of your post that I just cannot grasp. Day 15: 4/10 Not too hard.. I had a couple of difficult cravings of wanting to watch porn. I could not dismiss them easily, and they had this sense of being permanent, mainly because I knew that I would not turn to anything more productive to do (because Monday is my weekend, and im suffering from a cold btw). But I quickly thought of not betraying the challenge and the cravings seemed to be defeated... but I know that if I don't restore myself to a good position in my daily life, I will be more prone to give in to my cravings by the lack of sufficient positive motivation to not do so. It's alright my friends. I smoked weed this evening and had this crazy experience:

After a day of doing nothing, I did a very calming Kriya Yoga session, and then I proceeded to listen to a soundtrack with sounds that calm the mind, like rain, crickets and these gongs (you know what I mean). I went pretty deep into it but after 5 minutes I had this thought of smoking a bit of the newly acquired batch of weed (Strain: AK47). I felt a little fearful of doing it, but I had a subtle sense of intuition that this is gonna be worth it: EDIT: I only smoked - at most - about a third of a gram of the weed using a pipe. It was really mellow and my mindstate was pretty trippy, no visuals but my mind was a bit weird. I went back to the couch to meditate to the sounds coming from my headphones and I got deeper, to the depth that I usually get to when practicing Kriya(KP1). Then I got the idea to push my fingers on my closed eye sockets so that I would maybe spawn some hallucinations, and so that happened, and then as soon as I saw some trippy patterns arise, I got this thought of taking off my headphones, but then fear arose, I was afraid to take off the headphones and face silence, because I thought I would die (The dialogue in my brain was: "If I face the silence, I will die, I will die, I will die") .. my breath started getting faster and heavier, and my heart started beating faster and faster it all began when I thought of exposing myself to silence; but remembered just face that fact with understanding and compassion and I said "its okay, its okay if I die", and I went deeper and deeper into the breathing, but nothing too significant and scary. The fear was getting bigger and bigger but I kept surrendering and surrendering. The main fear was the fear of leaving myself behind, the fear of letting go of all thoughts.. I was fearful when trying to identify myself with everything - fear of letting go of the thought of "myself"). At one point the fear got more serious along with the breathing, this happened because I got the thought of being stuck in this, but then I remembered to let go of the worry, I let go of myself or the part of myself that was afraid to be stuck .. I surrendered that and kept going as the fear diminished.. I started to make sense of consciousness as a formless object or something formless, and because it's formless, it cant take on any forms, but formlessness itself is a form! So it cant be formless either... It must be all forms and be formless at the same time, and so a thought metaphor of this was that I saw a big, big object, that was getting surpassed by this object that was just as much bigger (relative to the already big object, stretching endlessly) I really felt the weight of that and got afraid, but I pushed through that fear as well, and I started imagining being all sorts of shapes of reality, being all humans, being all animals, (as I thought of being consciousness itself) and that frightened me, how big this thing really is! I tired not to cling to the experience and I tried to surrender as much as possible, but eventually the experience faded and I stopped breathing along with it fading away, but then I started having this energetic release were I moved and shaked certain parts of my body almost automatically, effortlessly, like it was happening by itself, I shook my arms, did certain shapes with them, bolted up my back, shaking my chest, spasming my legs, I especially felt this wave (like a paintbrush connecting to a canvas, it connected to my back, painting it with energy, but the energy was felt a bit under the skin) … note that all of this just happend but in a calm sense, there was some fear, yes, but other than the fear there was nothing hurting "me", during this, the observer was as still as a pond, untouchable. The energetic release didn't get too intense, and after a couple of minutes (Im not sure) it faded away. I kept on meditating, at some point triggering the breathing again for brief moments when stumbling upon some fearful thought, and eventually I got distracted and stopped meditating. It all took 1 hour total of sitting down (I calculated how long the recording of the meditation sounds has been playing). I explored several of my fears, and these were very subtle, they came up as thoughts of that scenario happening, with fear attached to that scenario: Fear of my joy ending (the peak of the high) - fear of facing boredom (probably fear of emptiness, very subtle) Fear of not being productive, lead by the negative motivation that it will lead me to suffering. Im afraid of 1 day going by without me doing anything, (it indicates a willingness to quit the journey, which im afraid of) I have a couple of questions about this experience: I have had similar experiences of breathing hard and heart pounding 2 times before this one, each time ending in a fade-away, and each of them induced by a certain thought coming up during one of my sits... What is this experience, what was happening? What was that energetic release all about? Sorry for the lack of my current knowledge. Thank you for reading! <3

@winterknight Great video! Thank you for explaining this. Really interesting about aligning with desires, although would not the mind use this against me? Let's say that I want to be brutally honest with myself about if I want to know the truth or not, what indicates that the mind is simply not just trying to trick me to leave the path?

Day 14: 4/10 The post below has almost nothing to do with NoFap. It's more about ego backlashes, consciousness, and demoralizing realizations. I had more of these compelling cravings, but I maintained my awareness and didn't get sucked into them, and here I am! My life is going upside down. The last 2 days were great, but I burnt myself out, and today I had the hardest kriya yoga session yet, everything was clicking together in a bad way, frustration after frustration. I did the whole routine, but it took double the time.. then I did Leo's guided meditation, then I did visualization, and then I fell in love with the world.. I broke through the frustrations to realize that what was on the other side was my motivations for doing the practice. Being frustrated is supposed to kill my motivations! Then I smoked some weed and went to my weekly cleaning job.. I did worse because of the high, but the high put me in another perspective, so I proceeded to listen to Leo's "What is consciousness" video, and a lot of things clicked for me! That consciousness is the underlying substance that contains all phenomena, but we can't access it because of the ego, but we are consciousness and we can become aware of what it is. And that Mario analogy really clicked for me this time! Getting aware of the pixels.. I also really understood why consciousness cant be pointed to. But the meat of the high came when I started to listen to Leo's Ox-herding pictures video right after listening to the consciousness video. Oh man... I saw that I cannot be certain of any belief, because the beliefs are not showing reality!! And I saw that me thinking that some belief is "more accurate" than another belief is just bullshit. I will always look at the finger until I can see the moon, and the finger is totally different from the moon, in every way possible. This was a bit demoralizing. Im starting to sense a genuine desire for truth for truth's sake. Fukin truth! The ultimate truth. I really wanna know, because I see how I can never be certain until then. And I have this batch of 5-Meo on the way... even if I grapple with the thing for like a month, and let's say it happens that I break through, die and see the truth, that would still be just 0.1% of the work done... Im excited about that but demoralized to see that beforehand, that I have soo much left to do. Why would I want to meditate for 20 minutes if that is virtually insignificant? I know this is me bitching and moaning, but there will be so many backlashes, just like nowadays.. So much suffering... for what?!? I guess we will have to find out.

I'd rather live on the street than beat my meat Really funny share!!

@Sahil Pandit You have not seen these gals man, they are hot. One of my motivations for nofap was actually that I started athletics. Imagine my performance if I sat at home and ejaculated my life force, and then got into the stadium getting consistent boners of seeing hot girls bounce or moan when running or throwing something. One of my motivations is to actually see them every time I go there, in a more empowering sense, filled with opportunities The girl in the black suit (as shown in the video) is one of the girls I consistently see at the stadium. I have a crush on her (but how do I make it real?? NeverNut ofc) Day 13: 3/10 I had some cravings, but not too much, they were more compelling today, like they kind of challenged my goals, but I didn't fall into the trap of giving in to them. I feel like im gaining much more knowledge and experience of actually feeling into the cravings, and knowing what they are. I can now see more of the game that is being played (by more I mean like 1%). The cravings will pass, I have proven that to me time and time again. If a craving gets too compelling, I can just think of me posting another update in this journal like the craving didn't even exist. That will pulverize the craving right away because I know it will pass.

@Shubham chaudhary All of us living in Scandinavia could also go to Germany, it is very very cheap for us. Going to central Europe first is a good idea

Day 12: 2/10 I fulfilled a full packed schedule of chores that I procrastinated on.. feels good! Only a couple of cravings.. I met another girl on the athletics today, I went past her, but I tried to look into her eyes as much as possible, she was hot, to say the least. She suddenly asked me for where my trainer was (he is her trainer as well), and I looked into her eyes for like 4 seconds, then I pointed towards the door that he used to be, then I looked into her eyes while also mentioning that the trainer was away... essentially, I looked into her eyes 90% of the conversation. The conversation was not the best conversation I have ever had, my information left her confused actually, I was too busy making intense eye contact. Later on, I thought about that conversation, I had a feeling that I did something wrong.. I contemplated and realized that I want me to be someone that I am not. I then did a self-love exercise, and that trouble seems to go away. Im too needy.. I very rarely have a conversation with a girl that is a stranger, that is maybe why that emotion came up.

Day 11: 1/10 Good day, easy, no cravings. I used this day to make myself busy to do some tasks that was on my to do list, like ordering 5-Meo, ordering syringes, ordering books, etc, downloading a software which will shut down my computer automatically in 3 minutes, fasting, feeling like shit, having lot of impatience and not being able to concentrate (backlash?). Didn't think a single thought about porn, and tomorrow I shall be an even better day.

@kieranperez Do not commit suicide. Whatever you do, don't end it Your mind keeps telling you that there are no possibilities left, but there are many many, you just have to contemplate a little bit. You can come here to Sweden! The borders are wide open! Learn to speak the basic language and it won't be hard to get a job. You will even get money for studying. Work here, start a new life and use the money to pay your debts abroad You can make yourself vanish without a trace, and in 5 years the court will think you died and your debts will go down that hole as well You can go to that monastery You can travel the world without spending a single penny You can do many many many things. You can fulfill your life purpose in many ways man, just don't end it. Don't make suicide an option, make something else replace that option, like "fuck man, it's so damn hard. I just wanna escape this fucking country by boat" You can solve your problems in the country you are in, you can do something about it, you can solve your situation anyhow! Don't make suicide an option. I just wanted to say this, but im in no position to speak out of my experience. But if I were you, I would seriously consider my options

@Vitamine Water Thanks! Day 10: 2/10 Woke up feeling very tired, I ended up preparing everything to start my morning routine, and then I went to sleep again on my couch, and when sleeping, I had a wet dream; It was not uncontrollable, this time I felt like I caused it! As the fantasy started making my dick harder in the dream, I realized that it was a dream! But the dream presented such a compelling fantasy (almost like the one I had yesterday) that I proceeded into it! And so my milk was spilled... I woke up after that feeling like cancer, ego backlash deluxe combined with too little sleep, detox symptoms from eating shit yesterday, calorie deficiency and minor muscle soreness after the workout yesterday, and I guess loss from the wet dream. I ended up not doing anything much for the upcoming 4 hours, just sitting there on my couch reading the kriya yoga book with brain fog, or listening to music, occasionally looking at the wall but mainly just suffering. Then I mustered uå my courage to do the kriya, then I ate food, played some piano and here I am. I was in an ego backlash for sure, but it was pretty easy with the nonut, I have the wet dream, and no fantasies or urges followed up after that. Action steps Wake up on time Make my schedules more compelling and do them with discipline Fix some stuff on my to-do list (implement that into my schedule)

Day 9: 4/10 I think its easier if I implement the 1-10 scale of difficulty of every report. 1 = effortless, 10 = a constant craving/hornyness where I would have to spill all my willpower into just breathing and meditating my way to not relapse. The numbers indicate the volume of willpower I have had to put into the challenge, so this day has been relatively easy, except: I went to train my athletics pass, and usually, one of the things that attract me to practice is the women training there, you know, observing them. It makes the atmosphere a little better. One funny thing was that I was on my last try to make a 140cm scissor jump, and then I saw a really hot gal running, I got distracted for a second, but then I mustered my will, breathed into it, refocused myself, and successfully made the jump! Then later after a hard run I saw this 10/10 walking out and the mind just went crazy, I fantasized a little bit, but then I got busy running again. But, I stumbled upon an article of how to make your woman orgasm for 30 minutes straight - I had to read that .. It went into great detail on all the stuff you had to do with the fingers etc, and so a picture in my mind -of great detail- came up.. dick became harder, and as I read the end of the article, where the woman was supposed to have a mindblowing orgasm, I struck my fantasy of gold, where this feeling of desire just washed me, it didn't feel like an urge, but more like envy and jealousy but without the pain of it, and I felt really horny, squealing, squinting my eyes and grabbing my pants.. I had this urge, but it was not an ordinary urge like when you forget all about the other stuff to make the urge more compelling.. this urge was observed with all my motivations in mind, I kind of really wanted to be there and pleasure this woman that I thought of, but I had to realize that stroking my dick would not get me there by any means, so I just observed it mindfully until it passed away. But I have suffered a fantasy.. I think that me managing to remember my motivations while having an urge is a result the observations of cravings I have made in the past which is now reminding me of how worthless a fap really is. Sorry for writing such long posts, but its in my benefit to go in such detail as it clears stuff up in my brain; as im writing im resolving issues.

Day 8: 4/10 On spot with Leo's new video, I am going through an ego backlash. I suffered immensely trying to do my meditation routine but I pushed through anyway. While being tired from the lack of sleep, I was flushed with cravings of junk food and distractions. Gave in to them. I did not do anything productive today except the meditation routine. I got some more serious cravings for porn and masturbation, but I did feel through them without any problems. I know that a huge ego backlash will strike my face sometime this challenge... I'll have to be prepared for that.

Day 7: Mildly difficult: I was on the bus and I had never experienced this degree of intensity on needing to pee. Never.. I sat trough an endless 30 minutes just sitting there in strong determination antipiss, even having some no-mind experiences towards the end. This urge to pee reminded me of when I tried to prostate milk myself, and it actually got me a bit hard. I did my best to feel into everything and not touch my penis like I use to do when I need to piss. Wow, after taking the piss in the closest toilet coming down from the bus, I felt so relieved, so extremely masculine that when walking around, every one looked at me. I felt unhurtable at that moment. When I got home, I had a craving/fantasy that tried to cling itself on me, this was a harder one to feel into, as this one had the feeling of being permanent, but I reminded myself to spill all my willpower into seeing it for what it is, and it passed. Ps: Yesterday's problems are solved. I now realize that I was out of touch with my goals, a bit unaware and in a mild depressive emotional state. This I solved by reconnecting myself with my goals. Life is on track my friends.

Day 5&6: Easy. Didnt even think about it. Here, read my journaling, it has nothing to do with NeverNut. I love you guys. There was this decisive moment when I looked myself in the mirror after a cold shower: "Should I stay home and trip, or should I go to my friends family party?" This was a tough choice, I planned out to go to the party, but I also wanted to trip! I ended up going to the party because I wanted to get in touch and fulfill my deficiency need of being social.. the trip could wait. My observations had led me to some conclusions: Fulfilling my deficiency need for playfulness and being social does not fulfill me. It only recharges my batteries. I need to implement a day where I can just play with people and relax, otherwise my work will become very boring and I will force myself to do something elise in this ego-backlash kind of behavior. Every-time I go home from one of these parties, im just supercharged to go back home and work, work on my goals.. Its hard. Its hard doing all these stuff, its hard getting it all to fit together. Its hard to get out there, to meet new people.. Hard to make changes, I just start thinking about all the bad stuff. When its this hard I usually crave the lap of a caring woman, or the warmth of someone I can open up to. I have always consoled myself, tried to think all the problems away, in all cases it worked.. The girl I tripsitted, I just feel like going to her room and and have a conversation, let my emotions go free, open myself up and cry. I dont know where this desire comes from, I will think about that tomorrow. I dont know what I need, I dont know what I want, I dont know jack shit about life. I think I know but I dont really know. The more I observe, the less I can see that I dont know. The more I learn, the harder it gets. I dont know.. maybe I just need to let go.

Thank you <3 Love you for saying that, I really do. Alright, time for the update: Day 4, almost effortless. Today was an overall faliure in the daily life, there is a chain of causations for why this happend: I woke up late I woke up tired I had a subtle backlash from yesterday's high My schedule had to be rewritten I wanted to trip All of these resistances lead me to escape rather than just going for it, so I distracted myself with the ipad for 5 hours before finally getting up to do my first task of the day, the yoga, then I went and ate something. I realize that one of these days will eventually lead to this streaks demise. This is why I will be the strategic motherfucker (that doesnt pull out ) and I shall solve the problem before it happens. I need more breaks in my life. I need to schedule in more fun time, not for lazy reasons, but because its very productive. If I dont do it, one of my days in the week will end up like this one, because if I burn myself out, one day I will wake up with so much resistance combined with and urge to take a break, that I escape my work in the most instantly gratifying way I find acceptable... youtube. under these circumstances I would commonly relapse, but I had not much cravings for that! I had one slightly more compelling craving, but I sat with it. I touched my dick a couple of times, but nothing that made me hard. The NeverNut is in control, for now... The problem lies in that I have no social circles, everytime I think "Fun" I think of: Playing video games Smoking weed Hanging out with friends (Unavailable in this case) Cooking while listening to music Watching Don Rickles (legendary comedian) Playing video games... etc I contemplated this and realized that the ideal would be attending an event where I can meet new people, then meet a really nice guy/girl > get some friends and create a social circle, get invited to stuff and then it rolls on. This will be something I shall put effort into, but im delighted that I have found the root issue, so that another one of my hidden blocks can be demolished. Bonus: I experienced digestive issues today after poor choises, and I had bad bad pain, pain to the level of SDS (im solving this). I was in public at the time, around 20 minutes from home, so I took advantage of this and made myself as authentic as possible. I observed that if im in pain, im more confident! Its like "If im facing this pain head on, nothing elise can hurt me" (ended up observing like never before the hot chick that sat infront of me.) .. and as I was aware of the pain and my problems and my authenticity, I got really delighted while experiencing severe pain. It was something like never before, sitting and laughing spontaniously in public while having stomach cramps, a worthy observation. If you guys ever have pain in public, be authentic about it, dont hide it. It'll be better than you think. Thanks for reading! Much much love to all of you <3 <3 <3

Day 3, effortless. I had some thought of porn and masturbation, but they were effortlessly pulverized by awareness. My friends, today has been a great day. The kriya yoga is showing some results, after my practice, I was going to sit down and visualize, and I ended up visualizing authentic love for everything, and I felt it, it was not that kind of love that you could cut with a knife, it was weaker, but still... I feel like im evolving into stage green. Now I understand why my sister is a vegan, she does it out of love! I used to say "Oh, but the animal is already dead, whatever, what is so wrong with eating meat?" etc, but I can't say that anymore. I would not kill anything I love. I went and improvised on the piano, it ended up being one of the best improvisation sessions I've ever done (See attached file) Then I went out jogging, I felt this wonderful acceptance and urge to excrete my love to them, I ended up smiling at them and waving my hand as a greeting. This feeling of love lingered away, but I feel like it will come back tomorrow morning when I will do the yoga again, I look forward to that. During this time, I didn't even have a thought of watching porn. JKust before writing this, and stood in front of my window, watching the beautiful landscape, and I thought about fapping and playing video games, but I felt like "I don't need that, I don't need anything else than this!" It was quite amazing. I bet an ego backlash will come and fuck me over someday when I wake up, so I will do my best to build up the best antidote I know, the power of habits. This is one of my goals, to kill the fear of losing all these benefits by just doing the work with utmost certainty. Love improv2 Lower quality.mp3

The kriya yoga book and life purpose course... I owe my life to Leo

@Shin AhahahahahAHAHAH!! I'll save this one in my collection of godlike memes.

Alright, my friends. Day 2: Easy and effortless I did not even think about fapping.. maybe once, but I shone my awareness on that thought, observing it for what it really is and it just faded. An insight: I did not follow by the rule that cravings and urges (the nastiest ones) are not permanent and that they will fade away. If I could've trusted this, many of my streaks would not have been broken. After many days I kind of hit a wall of urges and cravings, where I just think about porn for what seems to be all day long without realizing that if I just secreted the sufficient willpower to see them for what they really are at all costs, they will fade and I will win. To counteract this for this streak, I will learn about and practice sexual energy transmutation and I will suffice the willpower to sit with my urges once and for all (later on) so that this streak becomes successful.

This is deeply inspirational, reading this journal brought me to the brink of tears. This journal is a diamond for me. Thank you. Thank you. Im speechless

This starts today. I have not relapsed since a week ago, but this is it, it starts now. Im about to go to sleep, so I may make the first report right away. Day1: Easy. May have been hit by random fantasies out of the blue, but nothing that I could not shine my awareness through. Need to wake up early tomorrow and work on my goals. Read 30 pages of "Taoist secrets of love", Thanks @Sahil Pandit for posing that link in the nofap thread. I feel ready to go. Im trying not to touch my junk but as im writing this I really need to go and pee... reminds me of one a challenge rule that I missed to write in the post: No touching of the penis unless im cleaning it or doing it out of unawareness (Bad habits, having to pee, etc.)

If you dont want to read the whole context, scroll down the the bottom of this post and read the bullets Previously: I would always be afraid to trip, afraid that something will happen, I used to only trip once in a while (months inbetween) for the total of 3 trips, each feeling like I could have taken more of the substance, and each leaving me without anything profound (Highest dose : 225yg AL-LAD. I have 10 tabs of 1P-LSD avialable but I have not had the balls to touch the thing, I felt like I needed the calling. Meanwhile I got my hands on some pharma-grade Xanax as a tripkiller just to be safe. Now, I feel a calling for the substance. I have has some good experiences of deeply conceptually understanding some of the deep concepts that Leo talks about, and they all point to my just sitting and being. Today It made my awareness highten by alot for a prolonged period of time, but nothing unpleasant for the ego, I realised that no matter how solidly I conceptually understood these ideas, all it did was pointing me to sitting and staring at the wall for Xammount of time. Okay, now you know where I am situated. I feel the calling to hammer down these conceptual pointers with a higher dose of LSD, capable of killing my ego. I feel like the understanding and awareness that I currently posess will break me through. Here’s the deal: I have tripkillers, so I feel safe doing this. I am not freaking out when thinking about tripping as I used to do, I feel ready to face my fears, to face death. I have had no compelling experience of ego-death, just some experiences of the brink of it (all that breathing out of the blue), and I am very capable of surrendering into painful situations (I have practiced surrender in countless cold showers). Here’s the problems: I have not much space in my schedule to be tripping. We are gonna have a stranger move into our apartment for 6months as my sister who used to live in that room is now on a long travel I have not experienced 100yg of 1P-LSD yet, but I have recently tripsitted my friend who has taken such a dose. She reported a similar experience to my previous trips, nothing too bad, but she said that she couldve taken more. I do not want my trip to be like that, this time I want it to be satisfying. Here’s my options: I can go to the a friends house (a big family out on the country, the are very healthy manifestations of stage blue (possibly green) and I can trip there relativly comfortably without any obligations. I can stay at home where im as most physically comfortable and familliar, but I would be afraid of that I would not have 2 days in a row to trip &integrate and I would be a little paranoid about the stranger moving in. If I dont take the opportunity, I dont know when I will. I want to take a breakthrough dose of 1P-LSD, a very similar substance to the classical LSD, comparing in my subjective experience as a stronger more interfearing microdosing effect than AL-LAD. I am inexperienced with this particular analouge, but as said, I have the calling. My questions to you psychonauts are: What do you think is the most suitable dose for me in this case? Is it really a good idea to go to my friend’s house? (I would feel more comfortable there than home atm. Their family there would be great tripsitters) Thanks for taking your time.

Thanks. I think the confidence part is very crucial, building a relationship with the psychedelic basing myself on being more courageous. Ofc, you could just pussy out all the time and avoid a potentially life-changing trip, but having I guess having more balls to trip builds up a stable relationship with the psychedelic in the long run, where when I would've taken the benzo at some point previously, I would not take it anymore, even when I have them there. Maybe even transcending benzos at some point. I got these tripkillers from a friend of mine (had to cut him out tho, the relationship only revolved around drugs, he overdosed a couple of times and is now in rehab.. it got unsustainable) ... He reported to me that he killed a candyflip with a Xanax and said that when the Xanax kicked in, it was like it flipped a switch in his brain and bam, the trip was gone, almost the whole thing was gone just like that. I think he took 150mcg or something.