Igor82

Day 9: 4/10 I think its easier if I implement the 1-10 scale of difficulty of every report. 1 = effortless, 10 = a constant craving/hornyness where I would have to spill all my willpower into just breathing and meditating my way to not relapse. The numbers indicate the volume of willpower I have had to put into the challenge, so this day has been relatively easy, except: I went to train my athletics pass, and usually, one of the things that attract me to practice is the women training there, you know, observing them. It makes the atmosphere a little better. One funny thing was that I was on my last try to make a 140cm scissor jump, and then I saw a really hot gal running, I got distracted for a second, but then I mustered my will, breathed into it, refocused myself, and successfully made the jump! Then later after a hard run I saw this 10/10 walking out and the mind just went crazy, I fantasized a little bit, but then I got busy running again. But, I stumbled upon an article of how to make your woman orgasm for 30 minutes straight - I had to read that .. It went into great detail on all the stuff you had to do with the fingers etc, and so a picture in my mind -of great detail- came up.. dick became harder, and as I read the end of the article, where the woman was supposed to have a mindblowing orgasm, I struck my fantasy of gold, where this feeling of desire just washed me, it didn't feel like an urge, but more like envy and jealousy but without the pain of it, and I felt really horny, squealing, squinting my eyes and grabbing my pants.. I had this urge, but it was not an ordinary urge like when you forget all about the other stuff to make the urge more compelling.. this urge was observed with all my motivations in mind, I kind of really wanted to be there and pleasure this woman that I thought of, but I had to realize that stroking my dick would not get me there by any means, so I just observed it mindfully until it passed away. But I have suffered a fantasy.. I think that me managing to remember my motivations while having an urge is a result the observations of cravings I have made in the past which is now reminding me of how worthless a fap really is. Sorry for writing such long posts, but its in my benefit to go in such detail as it clears stuff up in my brain; as im writing im resolving issues.

Day 8: 4/10 On spot with Leo's new video, I am going through an ego backlash. I suffered immensely trying to do my meditation routine but I pushed through anyway. While being tired from the lack of sleep, I was flushed with cravings of junk food and distractions. Gave in to them. I did not do anything productive today except the meditation routine. I got some more serious cravings for porn and masturbation, but I did feel through them without any problems. I know that a huge ego backlash will strike my face sometime this challenge... I'll have to be prepared for that.

Day 7: Mildly difficult: I was on the bus and I had never experienced this degree of intensity on needing to pee. Never.. I sat trough an endless 30 minutes just sitting there in strong determination antipiss, even having some no-mind experiences towards the end. This urge to pee reminded me of when I tried to prostate milk myself, and it actually got me a bit hard. I did my best to feel into everything and not touch my penis like I use to do when I need to piss. Wow, after taking the piss in the closest toilet coming down from the bus, I felt so relieved, so extremely masculine that when walking around, every one looked at me. I felt unhurtable at that moment. When I got home, I had a craving/fantasy that tried to cling itself on me, this was a harder one to feel into, as this one had the feeling of being permanent, but I reminded myself to spill all my willpower into seeing it for what it is, and it passed. Ps: Yesterday's problems are solved. I now realize that I was out of touch with my goals, a bit unaware and in a mild depressive emotional state. This I solved by reconnecting myself with my goals. Life is on track my friends.

Day 5&6: Easy. Didnt even think about it. Here, read my journaling, it has nothing to do with NeverNut. I love you guys. There was this decisive moment when I looked myself in the mirror after a cold shower: "Should I stay home and trip, or should I go to my friends family party?" This was a tough choice, I planned out to go to the party, but I also wanted to trip! I ended up going to the party because I wanted to get in touch and fulfill my deficiency need of being social.. the trip could wait. My observations had led me to some conclusions: Fulfilling my deficiency need for playfulness and being social does not fulfill me. It only recharges my batteries. I need to implement a day where I can just play with people and relax, otherwise my work will become very boring and I will force myself to do something elise in this ego-backlash kind of behavior. Every-time I go home from one of these parties, im just supercharged to go back home and work, work on my goals.. Its hard. Its hard doing all these stuff, its hard getting it all to fit together. Its hard to get out there, to meet new people.. Hard to make changes, I just start thinking about all the bad stuff. When its this hard I usually crave the lap of a caring woman, or the warmth of someone I can open up to. I have always consoled myself, tried to think all the problems away, in all cases it worked.. The girl I tripsitted, I just feel like going to her room and and have a conversation, let my emotions go free, open myself up and cry. I dont know where this desire comes from, I will think about that tomorrow. I dont know what I need, I dont know what I want, I dont know jack shit about life. I think I know but I dont really know. The more I observe, the less I can see that I dont know. The more I learn, the harder it gets. I dont know.. maybe I just need to let go.

Thank you <3 Love you for saying that, I really do. Alright, time for the update: Day 4, almost effortless. Today was an overall faliure in the daily life, there is a chain of causations for why this happend: I woke up late I woke up tired I had a subtle backlash from yesterday's high My schedule had to be rewritten I wanted to trip All of these resistances lead me to escape rather than just going for it, so I distracted myself with the ipad for 5 hours before finally getting up to do my first task of the day, the yoga, then I went and ate something. I realize that one of these days will eventually lead to this streaks demise. This is why I will be the strategic motherfucker (that doesnt pull out ) and I shall solve the problem before it happens. I need more breaks in my life. I need to schedule in more fun time, not for lazy reasons, but because its very productive. If I dont do it, one of my days in the week will end up like this one, because if I burn myself out, one day I will wake up with so much resistance combined with and urge to take a break, that I escape my work in the most instantly gratifying way I find acceptable... youtube. under these circumstances I would commonly relapse, but I had not much cravings for that! I had one slightly more compelling craving, but I sat with it. I touched my dick a couple of times, but nothing that made me hard. The NeverNut is in control, for now... The problem lies in that I have no social circles, everytime I think "Fun" I think of: Playing video games Smoking weed Hanging out with friends (Unavailable in this case) Cooking while listening to music Watching Don Rickles (legendary comedian) Playing video games... etc I contemplated this and realized that the ideal would be attending an event where I can meet new people, then meet a really nice guy/girl > get some friends and create a social circle, get invited to stuff and then it rolls on. This will be something I shall put effort into, but im delighted that I have found the root issue, so that another one of my hidden blocks can be demolished. Bonus: I experienced digestive issues today after poor choises, and I had bad bad pain, pain to the level of SDS (im solving this). I was in public at the time, around 20 minutes from home, so I took advantage of this and made myself as authentic as possible. I observed that if im in pain, im more confident! Its like "If im facing this pain head on, nothing elise can hurt me" (ended up observing like never before the hot chick that sat infront of me.) .. and as I was aware of the pain and my problems and my authenticity, I got really delighted while experiencing severe pain. It was something like never before, sitting and laughing spontaniously in public while having stomach cramps, a worthy observation. If you guys ever have pain in public, be authentic about it, dont hide it. It'll be better than you think. Thanks for reading! Much much love to all of you <3 <3 <3

Day 3, effortless. I had some thought of porn and masturbation, but they were effortlessly pulverized by awareness. My friends, today has been a great day. The kriya yoga is showing some results, after my practice, I was going to sit down and visualize, and I ended up visualizing authentic love for everything, and I felt it, it was not that kind of love that you could cut with a knife, it was weaker, but still... I feel like im evolving into stage green. Now I understand why my sister is a vegan, she does it out of love! I used to say "Oh, but the animal is already dead, whatever, what is so wrong with eating meat?" etc, but I can't say that anymore. I would not kill anything I love. I went and improvised on the piano, it ended up being one of the best improvisation sessions I've ever done (See attached file) Then I went out jogging, I felt this wonderful acceptance and urge to excrete my love to them, I ended up smiling at them and waving my hand as a greeting. This feeling of love lingered away, but I feel like it will come back tomorrow morning when I will do the yoga again, I look forward to that. During this time, I didn't even have a thought of watching porn. JKust before writing this, and stood in front of my window, watching the beautiful landscape, and I thought about fapping and playing video games, but I felt like "I don't need that, I don't need anything else than this!" It was quite amazing. I bet an ego backlash will come and fuck me over someday when I wake up, so I will do my best to build up the best antidote I know, the power of habits. This is one of my goals, to kill the fear of losing all these benefits by just doing the work with utmost certainty. Love improv2 Lower quality.mp3

The kriya yoga book and life purpose course... I owe my life to Leo

@Shin AhahahahahAHAHAH!! I'll save this one in my collection of godlike memes.

Alright, my friends. Day 2: Easy and effortless I did not even think about fapping.. maybe once, but I shone my awareness on that thought, observing it for what it really is and it just faded. An insight: I did not follow by the rule that cravings and urges (the nastiest ones) are not permanent and that they will fade away. If I could've trusted this, many of my streaks would not have been broken. After many days I kind of hit a wall of urges and cravings, where I just think about porn for what seems to be all day long without realizing that if I just secreted the sufficient willpower to see them for what they really are at all costs, they will fade and I will win. To counteract this for this streak, I will learn about and practice sexual energy transmutation and I will suffice the willpower to sit with my urges once and for all (later on) so that this streak becomes successful.

This is deeply inspirational, reading this journal brought me to the brink of tears. This journal is a diamond for me. Thank you. Thank you. Im speechless

This starts today. I have not relapsed since a week ago, but this is it, it starts now. Im about to go to sleep, so I may make the first report right away. Day1: Easy. May have been hit by random fantasies out of the blue, but nothing that I could not shine my awareness through. Need to wake up early tomorrow and work on my goals. Read 30 pages of "Taoist secrets of love", Thanks @Sahil Pandit for posing that link in the nofap thread. I feel ready to go. Im trying not to touch my junk but as im writing this I really need to go and pee... reminds me of one a challenge rule that I missed to write in the post: No touching of the penis unless im cleaning it or doing it out of unawareness (Bad habits, having to pee, etc.)

If you dont want to read the whole context, scroll down the the bottom of this post and read the bullets Previously: I would always be afraid to trip, afraid that something will happen, I used to only trip once in a while (months inbetween) for the total of 3 trips, each feeling like I could have taken more of the substance, and each leaving me without anything profound (Highest dose : 225yg AL-LAD. I have 10 tabs of 1P-LSD avialable but I have not had the balls to touch the thing, I felt like I needed the calling. Meanwhile I got my hands on some pharma-grade Xanax as a tripkiller just to be safe. Now, I feel a calling for the substance. I have has some good experiences of deeply conceptually understanding some of the deep concepts that Leo talks about, and they all point to my just sitting and being. Today It made my awareness highten by alot for a prolonged period of time, but nothing unpleasant for the ego, I realised that no matter how solidly I conceptually understood these ideas, all it did was pointing me to sitting and staring at the wall for Xammount of time. Okay, now you know where I am situated. I feel the calling to hammer down these conceptual pointers with a higher dose of LSD, capable of killing my ego. I feel like the understanding and awareness that I currently posess will break me through. Here’s the deal: I have tripkillers, so I feel safe doing this. I am not freaking out when thinking about tripping as I used to do, I feel ready to face my fears, to face death. I have had no compelling experience of ego-death, just some experiences of the brink of it (all that breathing out of the blue), and I am very capable of surrendering into painful situations (I have practiced surrender in countless cold showers). Here’s the problems: I have not much space in my schedule to be tripping. We are gonna have a stranger move into our apartment for 6months as my sister who used to live in that room is now on a long travel I have not experienced 100yg of 1P-LSD yet, but I have recently tripsitted my friend who has taken such a dose. She reported a similar experience to my previous trips, nothing too bad, but she said that she couldve taken more. I do not want my trip to be like that, this time I want it to be satisfying. Here’s my options: I can go to the a friends house (a big family out on the country, the are very healthy manifestations of stage blue (possibly green) and I can trip there relativly comfortably without any obligations. I can stay at home where im as most physically comfortable and familliar, but I would be afraid of that I would not have 2 days in a row to trip &integrate and I would be a little paranoid about the stranger moving in. If I dont take the opportunity, I dont know when I will. I want to take a breakthrough dose of 1P-LSD, a very similar substance to the classical LSD, comparing in my subjective experience as a stronger more interfearing microdosing effect than AL-LAD. I am inexperienced with this particular analouge, but as said, I have the calling. My questions to you psychonauts are: What do you think is the most suitable dose for me in this case? Is it really a good idea to go to my friend’s house? (I would feel more comfortable there than home atm. Their family there would be great tripsitters) Thanks for taking your time.

Thanks. I think the confidence part is very crucial, building a relationship with the psychedelic basing myself on being more courageous. Ofc, you could just pussy out all the time and avoid a potentially life-changing trip, but having I guess having more balls to trip builds up a stable relationship with the psychedelic in the long run, where when I would've taken the benzo at some point previously, I would not take it anymore, even when I have them there. Maybe even transcending benzos at some point. I got these tripkillers from a friend of mine (had to cut him out tho, the relationship only revolved around drugs, he overdosed a couple of times and is now in rehab.. it got unsustainable) ... He reported to me that he killed a candyflip with a Xanax and said that when the Xanax kicked in, it was like it flipped a switch in his brain and bam, the trip was gone, almost the whole thing was gone just like that. I think he took 150mcg or something.

Great tips! This clears up some stalemate in my mind. If you have any experience with killing a trip with benzos(xanax) or something similar, can I have some tips for that, for how to use tripkillers? Never used them before.

Thanks! The family in the friend's house is huge, they are a lot of people. There would be all sorts of sounds going randomly throughout, and the parents would not be initially acceptant of me tripping there (bringing trouble to the house) I could make that hard phone call and talk to them, but then I don't know if I can trip comfortably and quietly when I come there. I put some thoughts into this. I might just wait until the guy who is moving in is out for a couple of days or something and then I can take the opportunity. I would feel comfortable tripping at home in the most optimal setting (completely alone with no obligations in complete silence), I could do that tomorrow if I had the opportunity, especially with trip killers, I have the calling and I would not hesitate. But I can't do that, not at the friend's house and not at home, not right now. I guess I could convince the family to give me space, but that would be way too complicated. They have a party this Friday, I can go there, (I wanted to go to the previous party, I have no social circles so I wanted to benefit from that but I had problems to take care of) I can even bring some LSD if I find the optimal space to do it there, you never know. Until then I will wait patiently.

Thank you for the suggestion, I can see how that could be very good as I would not be prone to distractions and worries that people might come in at night, also the darkness! I will take 150-200mcg depending on my mood that day Alright, I can see that. Then ill be going to my friends house to be tripping. My home is extremly comfortable although nit any more. In my friends house I can know that im very safe provided the space I can have to trip. Thanks for the suggestions

I used to play Viva Piñata many many hours when I was a young child. I didn't get addicted to it like I would get addicted to an RPG nowadays, but I always wanted to build something new in the game! It's like finding beauty in playing Minecraft Solo survival mode. It's inspiring now because I feel like I played the game so much because maybe it's resonating with my life purpose! Other than that, I love the game Dota2. Just for the beauty of it, it's like chess x100. Seeing the best players play is a joy, and with the Valve always striving to make the game perfectly balanced in its chaotic beauty is really inspiring to me.

@winterknight Wonderful work!! I did only read very little of this thread... I hope not this thread magically disappears from this forum before I can read it all. I realize that this journey is very long and im just at the beginning... What is the best expectation that prepares me for this journey? My preliminary answer: I should expect "hell of hell, no mercy, worst case scenario, slow suicide, etc", essentially expecting the toughest journey, only being able to push through with my current will and curiosity for truth. This expectation makes it easier for me to evaluate what I really want (Why suffer through hell?)... is it a valid expectation? Will alignment with this expectation (Me being in the second ox picture) prevent me from quitting in the toughest of times?

@Shin What if you get to a point where you won't even have sexual cravings when watching porn

This is my video, please criticize my insights so I know what im doing

I tried listening the confidence 5g on repeat when I was sleeping, but I had to tape my headphones into my ears, and as I usually sleep on my side, that got really uncomfortable. I noticed some results, placebo or not, they were there. I had more thoughts of me boing unstoppable and being a king, nothing will stand in my way kind of thing. But the headphone thing is really screwing me. I will do some more research, but I think I need speakers for this one. If im gonna listen to ANYTHING during the day, it will be mp3 recordings or music, the subliminal recordings are not any more portable for than Leo's recording on how to have amazing sex... I'll see where this thread will be going...

Alright. Im gonna try the Self-confidence5g recording tonight when I sleep. I will put on the "silent" version on repeat with headphones. The recording is free, and if I notice any benefits other than suspicious placebo, then I will post a report on the results here.

This seems good! Should I just go through my fears and uncertainties, go and buy the thing from subliminal-shop and change my life starting tonight? @Recursoinominado If this guy got some benefits from listening to subtle things at night when sleeping, why can't I?

Haha, Congratz @8Ball !!! Man, reading this thread just surges me with motivation. I fucked up the challenge 22 days in, where I was very out of touch with my motivations, and ended up relapsing... Now I have to pay my friend 150$, and I shall not fail again! I think I will schedule in 15 minutes of browsing nofap stuff every evening, as this just reconnects me with my direct nofap motivations again! (My indirect motivations being my ultimate vision which im working on to build daily since a week ago) The benefits are phenomenal! NOt to mention that I have not seen many social benefits (im lacking social circles, but I will attend toastmasters tomorrow). Thank you guys, I know im not posting much, but the same goes for the whole forum, I say this from the bottom of my heart: I am very grateful for being able to access this level of motivation wisdom and knowledge (even entertainment) that all of you are sharing within this forum. I feel very very lucky!