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Games make you chase numerous little achievements/do repetitive plausible actions that are a source of pleasure for your ego. Chasing pleasure can never satisfy the ego, it will always want more of it. That is why it's low consciousness, you get addicted to stimulation and become like a squirrel in the wheel. While high consciousness means to give up your pursuit for pleasure and realize that being itself is hella satisfying. Game addict is unable to sit under the three and admire nature for hours because it's not stimulating enough. He will take his phone and play floppy bird and crave to get back home. I think if you are fascinated with IT you can look for ways to make people curious about high consciousness by using technology and ego's weaknesses. This is what Leo does, he uses content overconsumption maschine called 'YouTube' to make people interested in consciousness.

Damn it seems that every 3h long session gives me serious backslash. I overate before sleep yesterday and was very unconscious and emotional. Couple weeks ago that led to nofap relapse and also I remember one more time this summer when I was so depressed the evening after 3h meditation. Nofap withdrawals grew more. Everything takes a lot of effort. It's getting harder to be aware of my thoughts. All morning I felt like I'm a lazy horny chimp that can't do shit. I turned on music and slowly started breathe harder with the rhythm then eventually I could do breathing exercises. It's really a life saver, it made me feel better enought to finally start meditation. I did 1.5h x 2. Mind was throwing sexual thoughts and one moment I thought "DUDE! YOU'RE ADDICTED TO IMAGINARY SEX! HOW STUPID IS THAT?!" This statement makes it easier to abstain from sexual fantasies. Also I noticed positive changes: - If I apply effort my thoughts and concentration are clearer (but at the same time the "reality fog" of withdrawals takes some effort to overcome). For example I can make sense of what I read faster and don't need to reread shit multiple times. - Increase in masculinity. I feel like a man, it feels like sense of solidity in my intentions, authority, confidence. - I feel that I'm sexy for no reason, lol. - Reality feels more real and juicy (but yeah, withdrawals still don't let to feel that fully).

I read a part of Leo Tolstoy's translation of original texts into russian and I can say that yes, it is about enlightenment. He studied two ancient languages to translate it without distortion that religions created through translation of translitions of interpretation of interpretations.

...a living essence that I am.

There's no paradox. False seeking is an image of enlightenment and a sense that you need it. True seeking equals diligent learning and practice to make enlightenment happen. You become enlightened because you do what your meditation technique says, not because you want to get something, there is no such meditation technique.

I sat 3h + 1h. I planned to sit 6h but during the second session I realized how angry I am and stopped. 1st 3 hour long session + nofap hormone boost gave me some ego backslash and awakened some deep emotional pain. Haven't been that much angry for a while. I hung up a thin rope in the middle of the room, made a playlist of the most heavy songs of Slipknot and was punching it for 30 minutes. If you concentrate on something and ignore your emotional pain it's going into shadow and it will hit you afterwards with the force that is proportional to effort that you apply to concentration. So if you have a lot of shadow pain better make it your object of concentration. I have just reread my first post and set an intention to read it every time I post here (those two lists).

SDS 1.5h x 2 at the end of the third one I got nuclear diarrhea and had to.. ..RUN! Today is the first day when I had to distract myself from sexual thoughts when I saw some legs on YouTube. Overall Nofap goes well, but I have a feeling that it's not as easy to keep my sexual energy in hibernate mode anymore, I'm like hungry tiger with closed eyes in front of a rabit. It turns out that I greatly underestimated how much shadow I have and how important that is. Eckart Tolle' pain body concept + finding out reasons of that pain + meditating on it seems to work very well. Whenever your mind is throwing to you some situations where you feel negative emotional reaction, like if your mother is shaming you or some narcissistic friend is trying to make fun of you, cling to that feeling and keep focusing on it. I discovered that sense of tension in my head that makes me spaced out is somehow related to the pain body because when I concentrate on any of them they seem to flow one into another and vice versa. Probably that tension is partially caused by emotional traumas.

SDS 4 hrs. Nofap ok. Shadow shit is pouring out of me. I weeped today after morning meditation.

Nofap ok. SDS 5hrs. I'm giving up with sleep for a while because I'd better concentrate on meditation. I'll have time to practice a lot till 8 Jan. It's damn delicious, precious silence.

I meditated two hours right after previous post and had tiny glimpses of awakening, I barely scratched the surface several times and was laughing so hard that couldn't go deeper because of that. Today I thought to try to sit 9 hours but I only managed 4 x 1.5h, on the fifth one resistance and unconsciousness grew so much that I was thinking of Nofap relapse so I stopped. Sleeping pattern - woke up 4 hours earlier than usually.

Self-inquiry be like: your car has only gas pedal, you are trying to stop the car by pressing that pedal... ..?!.. !!!

SDS ok. Nofap ok. Sleeping pattern - not ok. Still battling with this one.

As I practice more it seems to me that self-inquiry is just an organic final stage of other techniques. If you practice concentration when you become very concentrated you naturally start to wonder 'what is attention?'. If you practice mindfulness you become very mindful and naturally try to understand 'what is awareness?'.

The real "you" isn't even affected by death. No matter what you paint on paper it is not what you paint on it, it's still a paper.

1) You might be unaware of the progress, because slow change is difficult to notice. Enlightenment is not just insights, it is also a skill that is developed gradually. 2) You may try to read The Mind Illuminated (author Culadasa). It's very very detailed instruction for concentration practice for different skill levels, "just concentrating on the breath" is very uncertain technique, read even just first couple chapters of the book and you'll understand why. 3) Enlightenment is an accident, but when you meditate you become accident prone. It is like fishing, you may sit all day next to the lake and catch nothing, but it doesn't mean there is no fish in the lake. The more beginner you are the less likely insight will happen, the more you meditate the more prone you become.

I got up 3 hours earlier than usual. SDS 1.5h x 2 done and I will sit one more. Nofap withdrawals grew almost fully: Sense of heaviness Weaker awareness, reality fog Strong sense that I need something Depression (self-shaming, hopeless future, sentimentality, meaninglessness of actions) Meditation makes it more bearable, but it gets really hard to sit at the beginning of the session untill resistance goes away. Goal for tomorrow to not get back to the bed when I turn off an alarm clock in the morning.

SDS and Nofap ok. Overslept again because couldn't fall asleep. Have been laying for several hours at night and enjoyed the state of conciousness that achieved by meditation. Even laughed once because dropped into near-nondual awareness, life seemed like a fucking joke. I am well-aware that late awakening made me a little foggy. I was so fascinated with increased awareness that didn't think/visualize much about waking up early, it wasn't of a big priority. Right now I'm visualizing how fresh every morning felt when I was waking up early and practiced right away. I have to remember that this terrible depressed state after sleep will pass in like 15-20 minutes if I just get up and wait. I'M GONNA TAME THAT SUCKER

Unless you've got some unique marks like tattoos, birthmarks, rings etc. Also wrists are unique and quite possible to identify if there's another photo of you and wrists. Teeth either. Unusual hair. Don't send nudes to detectives who know your social media.

Sat another 2 hours. Got very close in the middle, heart was pumping, but didn't happen. It felt like I'm about to cry because I saw something very beautiful. Like when you get closer to fire you feel the warmth, same here but with beauty. Last 30-40 minutes was very alert and silent. I feel like I don't give too much shit about enlightenment because it will only be the beginning and practice is already almost fueling itself. I gotta wake up tomorrow and post again that I woke up, cuz I say YES to posting about every fart.

You so desperately want to get some quick pussy that you don't even want to hear any advice. That's exactly the reason why you don't get it. Just imagine someone who is obsessively trying to become your friend, it would be annoying right? You would better become friends with someone who isn't that much into you. When women come across guys that obsessively want to get pussy they feel the same way that you would feel with that obsessive friend. Why do you want it so much?

I've just had an amazing 1.5h meditation. I was doing the trick I learned in one of Shinzen's videos. It's a process of tracking hidden/shadow tension and resistance in your body and psyche that is scattering your attention and makes it difficult to concentrate. When I resolved all tension an intense yawning happened and I relaxed. Then I just naturally became aware of my thoughts and mind was getting more and more quiet, as some time passed I had very little thoughts and good awareness so I tried to concentrate and get curious about what is left, it felt like I am about to wake up but due to some strange reason I just couldn't go through something like invisible barrier, it lasted like 20-30 last minutes. Then the alarm sounded. I'm a little sad but anyways even that high level awareness and peace of mind are very rewarding and motivating, I guess I will sit more today.

It worked. Although not as good as I planned. I slept just couple hours. Turned on lights and tried to stay awake in bed, damned weakness and unconsciousness because of depression doesn't even let me memorize that I wanted to do breathing exercises so it took over an hour to awaken.

I've got an idea. Since I'm an internet addict I will wake up, do breathing exercises to cheer me up and post here how shitty I feel. Hopefully that goal will make me wake up. Also I'd like to meditate during sunrise, it's so beautiful in the winter.

I overslept again. Couldn't fall asleep till morning. In the middle of the night I just took my phone and started reading/posting on the forum, it calmed my restlesness a little. Before that I was just laying and swinging side to side like a schizophrenic, that's part of the dark side of meditation. Also I have urges to shake my body parts or throw things, couple minutes ago as I was writing this I just started shaking my legs. Right now I feel like I can start to laugh at any moment like a crazy for no reason. Although today I have less physical tension in my head. At the beginning of the night when I just went to bed I had around one hour of spontaneous deep contemplation on the nature of thought. It seemed so interesting and made me very aware of the content of my mind, like really what the hell is thought? Not formally explained but from the experience. It's like some radio that is located nowhere. When. I. am. aware. of. my. thoughts. they. sound. like. this. sentence. You can try to understand them only by observation, it's impossible to define thought by thought. Each thought is some weird experience, really weird, we are so used to them and get lost in them that don't even appreciate what a minfuck they are. Right now, as you read this sentence, what the fuck is that voice that is reading it? What a strange fucking radio? What... a... strange... fucking... radio? Curiousity is a great tool to develop desire to do "unpleasant" stuff, better than discipline, consider these examples: Meditation: what if I will sit motionless for 3 hours? What if I overcome rising resistance? How would I feel? What if I will try to be aware of every thought in my mind for one hour? Maybe something will change in my perception? What will it be like? Celibate: what if I will not cum for 1 year? How would that make me feel? What if I underestimate benefits? Diet: what if I will eat very healthy for 1 month? How would that make me feel? What if it will make me feel as good as I havent felt for years? Reading: what if X book will have a huge impact on my life? What if it has some knowledge that will resolve some part of my confusion? What if it will inspire me for something great?

@Joseph Maynor I haven't ever tripped but I have talked to a zen teacher who's insight is very deep through the videochat. It really makes you taste infinity, for sure. After our conversation I layed in my bed and felt like I have lost some ground in my mind. Every thought felt like suddenly falling through the floor and there's nothing under that floor. It's not a matter of words though, behaviour is the key. Those unexpected silences, you know.