Miguel Oliveira

Hi all, I'm on a relationship for almost a year. I've known this girl since 2017 where back then we had just a sexual relationship. I was on the "casual" sex phase, the phase where I just wanted to fuck as many girls that I could, and even tho I had different feelings for her I never became her boyfriend. We got apart. She started a relationship with a guy. Last year she broke up with him and after some time we got together. I was lonely in that phase, without any motivation to pursue girls, I had a lot of self-image issues. However when we started going out, I just couldn't not smile, I felt so good with her, it seemed like I was happy again. This time, I was more mature, and the feelings that I had for this girl were not the same as all the other girls. I love the way she talks, the way she interacts with me. After some weeks we started to get into a more serious relationship. I had some huge trauma regarding romantic relationships. This trauma was created when I was 16, with a girl that mentally manipulated me in many ways. I notice that the wanting to fuck as many girls as I could was coming for this trauma to get into a romantic relationship. As soon as I was more with one girl, so many thoughts and emotions disrupted all the feelings that I've got for the girl. After some time I wouldn't feel anything for that girl. I've entered this relationship knowing that I would get triggered a lot of times, but I still went for it. I had up's where I feel very good with her (usually when we are doing something new) but all the insecurities, fears, doubts keep on coming. At the moment I'm in a phase where I cannot handle all that jealousy, insecurity, doubt, fear thoughts, and emotions related to her. This relationship now feels like a drag. When I'm with her I do not feel that passion. I ask myself "Do you really love her?", I don't feel that. I know that besides all of the negative clouds that I have, I know that I care about her, I love her, but the clouds are too strong and the feelings that I had for her are so difficult to feel at the moment. When we spend more than 1 day together it's start to get worse for me. I start to think about the guys that she had in the past (she told me about all the guys that she talked to and was in the past), I'm always trying to understand that everything that she did related to men was fine and normal for a girl, I'm always rationalizing that, trying to figure out what she did with them and if it was normal (she only had 3 sexual partners, me, one with 17 years old and her ex. However when she was single she talked to more than 20 guys on Instagram, she went on some dates, she make out with a guy just 1 time on a club where it was her that started the kissing, she sent messages to guys that she was attracted to on Instagram). These stories are always coming up to my mind. I try to rationalize them, understand them to ensure that everything that she did is fine. I feel bad when I think about them because I know that this girl was attracted to other guys besides me and that makes me feel like I'm not the only one (I know that is normal, but it is how I'm feeling). Also, she is very active on Instagram and likes to post photos. She gets a lot of reactions and messages from guys. When I'm insecure I feel that I need to understand why she is posting those pictures, why she likes and follows attractive guys. This is being my day-to-day. I spend too much time on my head trying to understand if she is going to replace me, trying to figure out why she did and why she does some stuff. I know that months and months with this behavior my open, love feelings for her will start to go away because I'm always thinking about the negative, insecure stories that are coming up in my mind. At the moment we ask for a time. I don't know what to do, I know that deep down I love her, I want her, but even thinking to be with her in person starts to not feel fine to me. I know why I reach this point. I was not present with the thoughts, I've identified with my ego and now I have a lot of negative energy related to this relationship. I know that if we broke up I will suffer a lot because it was just because of these ego-based thoughts and emotions that I'm on the situation that I'm right now. Can you help me? It was something that happen to you? How did you get over this? Any suggestions? Thanks

@SonataAllegro I know from experience with the same girl that I will suffer. The last time it happened I needed some months to move on. Fortunately, I already shared my "knowledge" regarding the ego, thoughts, and emotions. I offer on her birthday the book Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. She already read some parts more precisely the ones in which relationships are being talked about. She also read a lot about the pain body, which I have a lot. She is aware that I have these reactions and she tries to help me. However, I know that if I continue to have these patterns she will start to get full of it. I think the missing part here is the higher purpose and probably is why I'm having these issues. At the moment I don't have a higher purpose, I don't have clear defined goals in my life. I want to do good in my work, do good with my girlfriend, keep going to the gym but I don't have any clear higher purpose. Usually, that higher purpose that I have is related to spirituality and attaining peace but after some time the motivation goes down.

@Leo Gura putting in perspective what a dumbass I'm being.. Thanks for broadening my eyes here. Regarding this negative aura that I created for the relationship, what do you suggest? Separate me from the thoughts and feelings (heaviness, negativity when thinking about being with her)? Totally enjoy the present with her? Discard those reactions? I know that beyond these clouds of negativity the love and caring for her is there and that's what keeps me going.

Hi all, I'm on a relationship with a girl that I've known for 4 years. On the begining we had just casual things and I didn't want to get into a monogamous relationship. She loved me. I also loved her but on my mind what I wanted was many girls. We "broke" up and she chatted some guys trying to find one that trigger the same thing that I trigerred her. Eventually she entered on a relationship that ended last year. She came back to talk with me saying that from all the guys that she talked she never felt anything similar to what she felt for me and after some time we got into a relationship. On the beginning I was accepting everything, I had that sexual attraction and everything was fine. I was on the honey moon phase. Now after some time knowing each other, my traumas and lack of self esteem/confidence is coming up. With this, I started to check her instagram every day seeing if she is still followings guys (she has a very good instagram, keeps getting masculine engagement). I even check if she likes their pictures. Guys that even I say that they are beatifull and atractive. This shows that I have confidence and insecurity issues. When I am with her, she is many times of her phone just scrolling on instagram and facebook. My reaction is to look to her phone trying to see if she's liking other guys pics and even talk with them. This creates like a "controlling" vibe that as the time is going by I even started to feel that heaviness, always trying to know if she is talking, thinking, liking other guys. I can say that I'm good looking but when comparing to the guys that she follows or even had talked in the past, that creates so heavy feelings within me. Just knowing that she talked with many guys, even just talking without kissing involved that creates so much reaction within me that then she notices. I shut up, I act strange with her. I know that I'm causing that to me but this feelings of insecurity, thinking that she talked with guys prettier than me, more attractive than me, makes me feel that I'm not good enough for her. Makes me feel that she will replace me for one of them. A good thing is that what I'm writing here we already talked about. She pointed that she was just like me on her previous relationship. This is emotional attachment. She said that she loves me more that she loved any guy on the past. She had a lot of guys that wanted to be with her but she never felt anything like she felt for me. She choosed me above all the 6 pack, attractive macho guys. Everyday she shows how much she loves me and it's beatifull. However, this lack of confidence, insecurity is making me reactive, strange, making me feel strong negative emotions that are becoming more noticiable than the love that I have for her. I also note that for the majority of the day my focus is on this relationship and what she is doing. I work, I go to the gym but 90% of my focus is for her. My sense of happiness isn't coming from me but is coming from this relationship, thus leading for me having insecurity and creating this aura between us. I know that I should focus more on me, doing things that I love, building self confidence, pursuing emotional and spiritual gains. However when I try to do that I always have thoughts and feelings that are saying that I need to focus on what she is doing, if she still loves me, if she's not talking with anyone, thinking that she talked with attractive guys. I know that almost everyone likes to chat. My female friends show that they talk with a lot guys just for the sake of talking, knowing each other, this doesn't create any reaction on me, I know that is normal. However when I think that my girlfriend also did that, go out on dates, talk to other guys I'm so reactive, I feel so much inside me. This is becoming so bad. I can't even enjoy the times that we are together. This is creating suffering for me and for the relationship that I always wanted. Do you have anything that can help me overcome this? Thanks for the help guys.

Logically I know that I need to trust her. Everyday she shares with me how much I'm important to her, she's very cute on that sense . I know that she isn't talking with any of that insta boys. However deep down, I have like an internal sense of negativity/fear/jealously that is always alert for one simple "wrong" behaviour. It's like I have an entity that it's always on the look out, stress out to know what is she doing. This is exactly what I'm going through. You got right to the point I practice being present, disengage from thoughts. However on this relationships aspects (I have some deep traumas from my early childhood that are ingrained on me) I always very much triggered and it's difficult for me to separate from that thoughts. It's like I'm sucked to the thoughts and emotions, I'm one with them. Even when I try to be present, the sense of unity to that thoughts and emotions is to strong for me to separate from that. This is where I need to focus and work on, it isn't easy. Did you have something like this on the past? There is a reason why you have these issues. And the reason is not because you have so little self-love, a shitty girlfriend or because your mother didn't hug you enough as a child. No. It is because you want to have confidence and insecurity issues. You love feeling that way, it gives you security. It makes your life easier, or maybe you just like to be a victim. Or to feel less. I don't know exactly why, you will have to find that out yourself. As soon as you understand that, you will be able to bath in and enjoy having these confidence and insecurity issues. Ah, don't they feel great? Cool... Then you will wonder what was so special about feeling that way. And you will move on. You will get bored by it. And your identity will change to fit a new want, a new narrative. A conglomerate of new sets of beliefs, desires, wants and needs that is a mix of everything but confidence and insecurity issues. That is real Growth ❤️ What do you suggest for me to do to reach out that conclusions? Self inquiry? Meditation? Thanks for your response, it was very revealing for me

You are saying secure and reassurent in which manner? That she's there to listen me? Understand me? If it is, yes, she is amazing. She even tries to understand my point of view. She already shared that in some situations she would react similarly. Thanks for the answer

@LastThursday thanks, stay well

@LastThursday eheheh Yes it can happen. One carachterist of her is that she can't be in silence. She needs some type of stymulus, being scrolling the feed, working, watch tv, cookin, she cannot stop for a minute by herself. I'm helping her with that eheh Bought the power of now for her

@LastThursday I'm going to the gym 3 times a week. I have a meditation practice. Thanks for your help

@LastThursday thanks, nice point. We talked regarding this. She said that she is proving that she loves me everyday and it's true. However, I'm always changing my behaviour because she is for a long time just scrolling, other time liking a guys photo when I'm watching what's she is doing. She more than one time said the if she likes the photo she will drop a like but doesn't mean that she wants to talk with the guy. I do the same with the girls on my feed, If I like the photo and unconsciously drop a like. I need to disengage with this feelings and thoughts, however is it so damn difficult eheh It's like this is something that is already a part of me, this fear, the jealous. What do you suggest for me to do to increase the self love?

I don't think that on this case she is keep the options open. Our story goes a long way back and she being with me with all the options that she had is a strong indicator of the love that she has for me. In my reality I scroll because I notice that when I'm alone with nothing to do this addiction comes up. Then if I see a beautifull girl I just like the photo only for that, not thinking more than that. She already share with me that she does the same. One of her "dreams" let's say, is to be an instagram influecer. Not to get attention from boys (however I know that the ego loves attention, and she likes that too), but to create give aways, probably have a brand. Also taking photos is one of the things that she loves to do. You share very good points on this. On my reality I need to work on the insecurity and self esteem. When my self esteem was up there I know that I wouldn't bother if she liked an attractive guy photo, I even will encourage her because the guy is hot. However as I am at the moment this isn't the case. I'm always afraid, imagining the guys the she talked (she was single, how da fuck I'm triggered by that), the guy that she had a makeout on one club. She was single, I also had makeouts, banged girls, this shouldn't bother me but in the end of the day it does bother me.

Yeah, that's a practice that I do. Pointing what my qualities are. That helps me. Amazing that you did that. That's my objective, however just thinking about my girl dancing with another guy triggers the shit out of me. What's strange is that this happens just with this girl. On the past this didn't happen like is happening now. Even now, we are texting and images, thoughts, feelings of her talking to another guys on the past are popping into my head. Sharing this in this way sound like I'm being neurotic, which probably is true. I notice that and I know that this is just thoughts, however the pressure and heaviness on the feelings regarding this is being to much.

Thanks @Nahm It will be a good read eheh This week I'm having many glimpses of depression. However I'm having some changes in the way I see things. These being not the outside world (people, places) that are negative but my relationship and the way I feel regarding that the is negative, it's all internal, so my responsibility.

Hello! Last week something happened that never did happened before. I was at home in the computer and suddenly I had a pressure/tightness on the chest, breath was getting difficult to take and it seemed that I was fainting. I came outside, relax a little and went inside again. The same thing happened, after some time I went to sleep. On the next day I had a chat with my girlfriend regarding this situation and she told me that I needed to take a walk because I'm at home all day (I'm doing working from home on the computer). I did that, it helped but when I came back to home it all started again. Later on that night I had tremors and was very cold. The next day I went the hospital where they took my blood, did an x ray and took the Covid test. All was negative. Since then I keep having the pressure/tightness on the chest, also some tightness on the throat and when I have automatic negative thoughts/emotions I have strong sensations on the upper belly. I'm 24 now, but since 12 years old that I had obssessive compulsive thoughts and behaviours that lead to depression when I was 18. I was medicated, did a lot of therapies and after some hypnosis therapy I felt a little more free. After that I never was the same boy that I was younger. The mind is always talking and talking, a lot of internal vows that I made when I was depressed now are the emotions that come up in every situation in my life. A lot of not being good enough emotions and thoughts are with me in every situation, a lot of problems regarding romantic relationships (the major traumas back in the days were related to this, that lead for me to rationalize and promise to myself that I would never hurt any women). Mostly are automatic thougths and feelings that come from nowhere, that even If I'm aware of them I cannot seperate myself from them because it seems like they are me, it's difficult. Now I'm at my parents house, on a rural land with a lot of nature I had time to think about all this. All the emotions that I keep pushing down, all the times that I sense that I can't connect with anyone, that people don't like me and see my differently, that I can't do personal development stuff and even being a free man due to being in a relationshipt (this is related with all the negative energy that year after year I put regarding romantic relationships), all of this things happening on a daily basis mixing with Covid (need to be at home) maybe started to bubble up and cause this physical problems. A funny thing happened. I needed to go to my apartment to grab some stuff and until getting there I was feeling good, but as soon as I entered the door, the pressure/tightness started to appear just when I enter the house. It seems that I created a negative meaning regarding that house. The house is very small, everything is on the same place, the kitchen, the bed. My day to day is working at home and at night I join my friends online and we play some games. This day after day since June. Sometimes I go out to buy groceries. When thinking about this it seems that was the lifestyle and the mind/emotions that I keep getting 24/7 that are causing this. If you were in my situation what would you do to change the negative meaning that I unconsciously gave to the house? Maybe thinking about it and trying to change from the negative to positive with positive affirmations and feelings? Note that when I had that feelings I breath from the stomach, do long breaths and try to connect to sounds and feelings instead of the tightness, but is very difficult because is too strong. Sorry for the english and thanks for reading!! Stay well guys and girls.

This girl always had an impact in me. I like her personality, it attracts me. Me not having a monogamous relationship is directly related to the strong traumas regarding those types of relationships. My relationship with her, and she already nows about my traumas regarding this, is an opportunity of growth for both. I need to feel these traumas unless I will never have this type of relationship as a result of escapism. Is more difficult than normal because I've so much blocking thoughts and emotions, negative also regarding this that I need to put more willpower down the line. This drains a little. However, it is the pain that I need to go through because in the end I feel that I like her. Regarding this, I know that the more prevalent thoughts is the ones that will shape my life. If they are negative my life will not be the way that I want. How do you suggest for me to change the story? Writing some sentences and each day repeating them? About the letting go part, do you have any type of post that describes this method? Thanks @Nahm!

"Here I go to this cozy place, I've everything that I need" "I have friends that I can comunicate with. Alone I can grow, I can stop, I can relax" On this it's very tricky. Because I want to say that I want to connect with people but the pattern/belief/vow that as I'm now with a girl I cannot connect with anyone because I can turn to be interested in another girl and will hurt this one. Fear on this one. On this one I just work on a computer company. I wanted to travel, to meet people but again the pattern above described is somewhat blocking me. "The purpose is to release this wounds, be still, aware, move with the flow "I can go to the gym. I can see my thoughts and emotions. I can feel joy" Very interesting exercise @Nahm. One thing that usually happens is I start to get interested in discovering myself but after some time I will get back to the lazy, negative, sad self. Thanks!!

Hi @Nahm, Nice to talk with you again. At the moment I have an Evernote Workbook were I'm writing the most common thoughts/emotions that arise in me. I'm writing them down and them questioning the "trueness" of them. As soon as I catch one of them I internally notice, say "Here it comes the pattern ....." and try to focus on sounds, sights, breath (which for me is complicated because when I try to focus on the breath is like my mind creates the motion of the breath, it's like the one that is breathing is the mind, and it's not enjoable, can't be present), etc. It's amazing how we keep forgeting that isn't the outside world that has the "negative" things but it is our reaction and interpretation that change how we feel. On this particular case is so difficult because it's the like the feeling takes all over me. It's so difficult to separate from it. I remember some of the thoughts: "Here I go to this prison, it's so small" "Here I go this house alone, just have the PC where I can comunicate with friends" "I don't have any friends to interact, I'm so lonely" "I don't have purpose in life, no purpose. I just work, eat and play games. That will be my life, it's so sad". Related to my current relationship : "I'm with this girl, I want to connect with people, want to have a better shape, want to go to music festivals, want to when I get old look back and say that I've enjoyed life". Related to the relationship this is me most tricky and where I have the most traumas. Because when I was young a girl manipulated me in such a manner, and I being raised on a catholic environment, that I promised (and kept telling myself this for years) that when I have a girl I cannot talk to anyone else, cannot hurt her and this brings so much negativity. However as the years went by I tried to just get casual things with girls but even there this patterns showed up. I've concluded that the wanting to have sex with a lot of girls is just a way to go around those feelings. The girl that I'm with now on the past I liked her personality but I was on the "it needs to be casual, I need to have a lot of sex with prettier and diferent girls" and I let her go. Always had a crush for her. Now she broke up with her ex and immediatly talked with me. I was more mature and after realizing that I was always try to not get into a serious relationship due to the traumas, I told her all about the traumas and that this relationship will be me trying to confront those negative beliefs around a relationship. This has been so draining but in the end I like her, why not enjoying what I have now? I'm not forcing to like her because I know I do but is difficult. Maybe the burden on the relatioship could also affect me. Thanks!!

Hello people. I was presented by a friend to a girl and from the beginning we both serem very direct and firm about sexuality and getting together to haver sex. Last weekend I went out to meet her and we had sex. I didn't have sex for almost a year now and this for sure was a liberating experience. I stayed at her home for all the weekend and besides the sex I had the need to cuddle, to being intimate, to kiss her, to put her legs on top of mine, to get kisses. I know that this need comes from as I said before, being almost a year without sex and also comes from the fact that I feel not enough, feel that I'm not like the other macho guys, feel that I didn't belong on this world. Having this girl on bed with me make me feel on that weekend lovable again. Made me feel that someone likes me and that I'm not the person that my thoughts and emotions tell that I am. I had OCD since 12 years old and now with 23 I live with all the insecurites and blockages that completely changed me to a person that is so much on his head and that has so many blockages and traumas around relationships. Yesterday my friend talked with me and said that this girl bring a guy to her room (She live with college colleagues) and closed the door. She said for me to not get attached with this girl cause She didn't know of that was a friend or a guy that she fucked. I follow the PUA community for a long time and the abundance frame, non needy frame os heavyly preached and its is something that I want to feel but right now I can' t feel that. I don't know if she had sex with him but inside me feelings of sadness, rage against her came. We just had sex, nothing more but I got attached, not for love I think but with the fact that she gave something to me that I needed for so long and that all my internal blockages stop me from getting that. How do you handle this? I want to accept that this is so normal with girls and guys but right now I feel sad and with some rage to her that turns the excitment that I had off. Thanks guys.

@ajasatya thanks

@Eric Tarpall please see my above answer

Thanks guys. The major traumas on my life were build due to relationships. One girl mental manipulated me so much due to me being social and liking girls. She made me make vows that I can't talk to girls when I'm seeing one and all that blockages. So many years repeating that to myself for she to forgive me and I changed who I was. Now when I am with a girl that vows come to the surface and I have so many problems with girls. That leads me to runaway from relationships, long or short. Can you guys advise on this?

Hi people. Don't know if this happening to some of you but I want to know your views and tips on this. Since I started meditating I note one thing that keeps hapenning. When I close my eyes to meditate I note that the eyes/eyeballs are always moving which leds to not concentrate and the mind being all over the place. Just this morning when I finish my meditation, I sense that the moving of the eyes can be the mind racing and that leads to the eyes never stop moving. Another thing is that all over the day and on meditation the eyes and on the middle of them I feel a lot of pressure. How do you guys deal with this? Thanks

@winterknight hello. I started to get on the spiritual path due to a change of the self that I was years ago. This happened due to many obssessive thoughts and many mental vows that I made with myself that changed the whole person that I was. I sense that I'm too much in my head I started to follow the path of being more in my body, feeling the body cause I'm much in my head all the time and when I'm in my body I can work better in the world. I started to make body scan meditations and focused breathing. But after seeing videos I saw that instead of this mindfullness practices the one that can show me the true self is non-duality meditation. For someone that I so much in his head just like me, can't make connections with anyone, has a good job but still thinks that is inferior comparing to others what is the best pratice or is a way that this all time body awareness can led me to discover the true self? Thanks.

@Reiss how long do you trade?

@How to be wise what techniques do you recommend?