Viking

I feel like if I would quit the course at the 7th day i'd go psychotic also. what helped me stay is the understanding that quitting in the middle of the course would make it bad for me, so i feared quitting. i think its very crucial to stay until the end. i also had pretty tough experiences during my retreat and i did ask the teacher about it and im so glad he gave the intonation its nothing special, i just persevered through it. i think this was the teacher's fault for letting you out. though i dont know what you experienced, maybe something much more serious than i did.

nope not yet at least, because i had stuff like a vipassana retreat and another 10 day thing. im also doubting again after the vipassana whether i should do it. i have some fear and uncertainty regarding to it, though i think it will benefit me. ill update you if i do go out. thank you for reminding me

i havent decided yet, but since people here are pushing me so much to do it, i guess ill do it in a year, next summer

yes

just my 2 cents- maybe differentiate between the impact you want to have on the world and what you want to do in life in general?

is the best life the one without suffering? life without highs seems like a dull, shitty life, I want to experience a lot of high highs. do you stop suffering by being not craving and not aversing? does it really matter that stuff in consciousness is impermanent? even if a certain pleasure is impermanent, it can happen again and again, with higher frequency with time. am i really supposed to not react to bodily sensations because stuff is impermanent? im going to a vipassana retreat so im a little afraid to become dogmatic about this stuff, i contemlpated this stuff some time, want to know your opinions.

why?

ill be going to a vipassana 10 day retreat next week. I know that im a guy that is really worried about hurting my body permanently, I can remain equanimous during pain that i know wont damage me, but when theres something that I think might damage me unrepairably i start to panic. so with knowing this side of me, at what point should i stop the meditation or change posture? I worked on my meditation posture, and it might be good, but I still have doubts regarding it. what kind of pain might damage my back/knees/whatever? how do I know? I would also appreciate some crucial tips for the posture to see if I do it correctly (I have researched it in the past)

you were probably sitting wrong

walking up to girls in the street, in the mall, at cafes and start a conversation. is that rude? women actually get pissy about that and immediately dismiss you? unless you're attractive of course.

Im male, probably a heterosexual, but there is a resistance/fear in me for the possibility of being gay or bisexual. It probably comes from my father telling me from my early childhood that he will reject me if I would be gay. I masturbate to heterosexual porn, I feel desire for women. Im generally not attracted to men, but penises in porn turn me on, though usually with a woman. if once in a while ill have a weird feeling when thinking about a man I start to reject it automatically. I even start to test myself if I feel any feelings when imagining kissing a man. The thing is that weird feeling doesnt even have to be sexually related, it can be love for a friend, but im afraid it *might* be gay. Obviously when I notice myself doing this I let it go, say to myself ill accept myself however I may be, but that automatic response and self sabotage continues. ill keep trying to rationalize "its probably not gay" because i still fear it might be. How do I deal with this?

ill provide some info and tell me what you think. my social skills when it comes to talking to strangers are very low, the things I say sound weird and I usually dont have common themes to talk about with people, or they dont pop up at the right times. im also bad with social cues due to lack of experience. It seems like I only care about getting laid, I couldnt care less about getting to know girls. That means i'd have to lie to get a girl, but my top value is truth. I lack confidence and direction in my life and I need to figure out my life purpose. seems like excuses but they're not, its how i feel. I think im not ready for a relationship. if some girl would spontaneously want to fuck me or be in a relationship with me i'd be down, but in order for myself to initiate it I lack what i described in the points above. there's no way im going to manipulate girls.

@Artaemis wow thats actually might be somewhat close. i did feel like "this feels too good, ill get hurt"

i was on a bus and looked out the window. for the whole ride i had moments where i would feel a very happy and pleasant vibe, maybe because some beautiful scenery, and a second later it changed to a fearful/anxious or unpleasant one, then again after a few seconds or less it changed back to a happy one and so on. the bus ride was a hell of a ride note- it felt as if the beauty of the view outside the bus reminded me of vibes that i had a long time ago and brought them to the present, they were not new vibes (if you understand what i mean) what caused this lack of balance do you think? i want to be more balanced and it felt as if it was out of my control, like free association (kind of?) it reminded me a psychedelic trip a bit p.s. it happens to me quite often that i have a good vibe, i notice it and its ruined

Whenever I think about opening a girl my body just says "nope". I dont even feel fear or anxiety, it's just my body saying nope and not approaching. I think this is caused by my fear of girls doing something to me I wouldnt be able to handle, like starting to curse me or starting to yell at me. A few days ago I matched with a girl on tinder and she cursed my mom and said I was ugly, I felt a little like crying. im afraid that if a girl did something to me like that in person i would actually start to cry and that would be horrible. I think it's because of past traumas, I remember a few incidents in middle school when girls said to my face that I was ugly and I especially remember an incident when an older woman out of nowhere starting yelling at me because she thought I did something I didnt do and I ran home crying (I was about 8). How do I deal with that?

@Florian lmao you dont do that. watch some youtube RSD videos. https://youtu.be/5lqo86IvOJ0 heres a great one with the basics

and i enjoy reading it, thanks

@see_on_see thanks a lot, man. that really helped and cleared things up. but how do I find places where I can just see people and say "hi" to them? I suppose I should be walking because it's weird to be in one place and say hi to whoever comes by. my area is not too populated and most people are old. Do I use google maps or something?

for the past 3 weeks i had little to no human contact, ive been sitting in my house alone, contemplating stuff, playing with dating apps, playing musical instruments, wasting time on social media and watching movies and youtube videos. I dont feel like im lonely, because im pretty used to it, though this level of isolation is a first for me. sometimes i start to feel anxiety or fear, sadness, anger, joy, body high, i became more sensitive to the energy of my body. Im having trouble sensing social cues when I do interact with people. sometimes i feel restless and slightly like im going insane. I did want to work on my life purpose and read books in this time, but dunno why I didnt do it, just didnt. in a few days im going to a "hippie" community (an ashram) for 2 weeks, where ill do volunteer work, meditate twice a day and interact a lot with people, so that was kind of my anchoring point, something to look forward to while i waste time. Anyway, why do you think all of those emotions came up?

@Solace thanks

yeah, same. so do it for a few mins after my daily 20 min meditation?

I guess the key is experience, if you stay in your head you wont know what offends and what doesnt and i sense a fear of being judged, can it be the case?

lol you think being a monk is easier than achieving success?

I concentrated on the heart for 10 minutes, and I felt the energy there strongly, but that's it.

yeah, its definitely a trauma, i know that. low self esteem, nice guyness, not being comfortable with myself.. exactly