Viking

first, i am not good as i am, i feel like shit most of the time and i hope these books will get me better. second, even if i was good as i am, i still would want to improve my situation even further.

ill get back to you on that once itll happen again. for some reason my mind is pulling blanks now. well, I actually want what these books have to offer me, and sometimes I am interested in what I read but there always comes this point of "I dont want to read anymore, i should take a break" and often i dont come back to that book, or continuing it becomes a chore.

i actually started doing that a few days ago the thing that comes up mostly is watching tv shows which is the most exciting thing for me but still bleak and unfulfilling mostly.

so you imply that the contents are separate from what those contents are in?

you're going to die soon

bullshit fear, doesnt make any sense. just start watching Leo's videos or reading books, like 6 pillars of self esteem (will help you a TONNN). doing self development will make you less needy, hence having better social life. (the fact that you need social life so much makes you less likely to have it) also social life wont bring you fulfillment. in the end you will have to find something from within that will bring you that fulfillment, like being creative or contributing to society, getting enlightened, etc. you romanticize about it too much I feel. Still go for though if you feel like it.

maybe try to stop seeking outside sources for help and look inwards for help. all of the answers are within, if you can notice them. ok, so wtf do i mean by that... sit comfortably and concentrate on your breathing for a few seconds while relaxing the body. then ask yourself, "what can i do to improve my situation" or "what's my problem" or "what am i afraid of and why" any question that YOU feel right. then try to answer those questions. this is the optimal way I think to solve problems, because you know your situation the best. if you cant come up with questions, still concentrate on your breathing until a thought arises, any thought. if you meditate daily you probably know that feeling of starting to meditate and starting to have thoughts that are not in your control. those thoughts are your connection with your subconscious and it can be really powerful to just see what kind of thoughts arise and go from there. personally this technique helps me to settle any confusion i have in the moment, because the most urgent things pop up into my mind that make up this confusion. you gotta get to a point where you dont need anyone's help. though it may not be possible for you right now. read books, buy leo's booklist if you havent already, its very good and will get you out of your shit guaranteed.

For some reason, I dont care about my life being better, feeling joy, feeling peace, having a fulfilling life purpose, helping people. yeah, that feels good but I dont feel the drive to do anything in order to achieve it. If I could, I would stay in mediocrity, but the problem is that I will suffer greatly: I do care about not having a shitty life, in which I hate going to my job, feeling miserable. I also cant stand being mediocre, it seems like in my genes im built for greatness, if i would be mediocre I would suffer because I need to fulfill my potential, not because I want to fulfill my potential, but because if I dont, I will suffer. I dont know if it makes sense. In other words, If I wont do self development, or at least feel like im doing it, I will undoubtedly kill myself, BUT I dont do it because I want to be better. All of that shit creates the following problem: I dont want to do self development work, but I have to, otherwise I suffer. Therefore also if I do self development work, I still suffer because i dont want to do it. please end my suffering how do i develop positive motivation for being better if i dont care about it?

lame, heared of the sum of the infinite series 1/2+1/4+1/8+1/16....? it's finite. besides, the universe could loop and after say 10000 stars the arrow would hit the first star.

you use alcohol because it makes you feel good. you want to feel good because you dont already feel good. spirituality makes you feel good, much more than alcohol, though it takes work. so conclusion: you can get to a state where you dont need alcohol, though right now going the middle path is best choice in my opinion. so right now alcohol in moderation (you decide what moderation is for you)

if youre asking, you probably don't know too well how to do it, so in your place i'd give some videos or books to read. prefferably videos

im on a break now, so i have 2 conflicting sides: 1. i want to do the life purpose course, read books, meditate and eat good food because it will benefit me in the future and it makes me feel good physically and mentally. i dont like doing it. 2. i want to eat shit food that in the end makes me feel shitty, i want to watch movies, i want to masturbate 2 times a day or more- which makes me feel shitty. when i do option 1, i suffer. when i do option 2, i like doing it but i know i gotta do more of 1, because long term option 2 will make me miserable. i want to slowly transition to option 1, but with least amount of suffering. is there a way i can change my beliefs regarding option 2 in order to do more of 1? this state that im in right now is just for a few days, but i keep falling into it. for example when i radically change my environment and go volunteer someplace for a few days when i come back doing option 1 is not so painful and is actually nice, but slowly i slide into option 2 and option 1 becomes untenable. how do i not let this happen again? and should i change my environment again to get out of the place im in now? should i force option 1? for now i dont do any of it.

for me gratitude turns into rotten fruit after a few days

just a speculation, i dont know shit about yoga and i doubt the shit i say is close to the truth: maybe you have too much blockages and so the energy you're trying to stream through your body isnt going through very well so it creates these side effects. in other words, your body is not strong enough for this practice. Maybe read some books on emotional mastery and try to implement them. do some shadow work. do regular meditations. only then when you resist your emotions (energy) less, you can try and do yoga. a 10 day vipassana course would help a lot with that.

@Faceless so what am i supposed to do? not think and not plan anything?

1. keep meditating 2. dont see them as something bad. i also realized a lot about my shadow recently and i just had to accept it. how did i do it? without judging. it is what it is, its part of me and thats ok. smile at those parts of you and be greatful theyre there, without them, what fun would it be getting freed from them ? a poem by rumi that might help you: The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. — Jellaludin Rumi

I tried to read Heidegger's "being and time" and I was lost in the first paragraph. each sentence was so packed and there are so much sentences, there is too much "stuff" to remember and hold in mind in order to understand what's the point. Also say im starting the next chapter, I cant remember anything that i've read the previous one and cant see the connection of the present chapter to the previous one. how am i supposed to go about this? spend hours on a paragraph to try to understand what's happening? in how much time then would I be able to finish the book?

im putting this question in this section because I want a more spiritual perspective on this. (kundalini, what have you) im a 20 year old virgin and I noticed that this topic intrudes my awareness very often. I noticed a lot of my motivations to be around people are purely to get attention from girls. This stuff was subconscious but now I notice it more. it messes up my higher self motivations. because of this craving for connection with women, I masturbate very often to calm it down. I said in my previous post about my vipassana retreat that I experienced some kundalini awakening type experience and this craving became more severe. I also said that i'd quit porn, but it turns out not to be so easy. my "masturbation sessions" feel extremely good and fulfilling for some reason, also my appreciation of music is sometimes enhanced hundredfold, especially after a meditation. actually, after my vipassana retreat im experiencing right now a very deep low, an ego backlash I guess. My craving for food and masturbation is extremely strong and so I give in. When I tried not to give in the craving would creep into my mind and wouldnt go away, not letting me do anything. should I fight if any craving creeps in? should I do some practice that might manage my cravings? I heared an acquaintance of my saying he had done 90 days of nofap combined with osho kundalini meditation every day. he says his craving disappeared completely.

is that a book or something? how do i learn that? can you give sources please? like videos, pdfs, articles..

personally I dont believe in psychosis as a "disorder", that's black and white thinking, and many psychologists agree with this viewpoint. See for yourself, I dont know if anyone here can give you a fulfilling answer. I would recommend though starting from emotional mastery then moving on to shadow work. Learning techniques to cope with strong emotions, for example the book "the sedona method", you could start there. if you know how to deal with that stuff, even if a painful memory comes that might trigger a psychotic episode, it would be no big deal. IMO emotional mastery is the basis for all spiritual and personal development.

could you elaborate?

thanks for your reply, so my guess is that i shouldnt repress it, it should drop off by itself.

It was the toughest experience of my life. it was an S.N. Goenka vipassana center. I dont remember most of my time there. day 0 arriving to the meditation center, i felt slightly nervous but very excited and well. day 1 The hardest day for me. Practicing anapana, my mind started to clean up a bit and tons of emotional baggage came out. I cried 2 times that day. once during a meditation, second during the tea break, being outside. day 2 extremely tough day, almost as the first one. I was scared regarding my meditation posture because I thought I might damage my back or knees. I figured out the right meditation posture only on day 4, using a bench and pillows under my knees. day 3 Generally speaking, the only part of the day I liked was the dhamma talk in the evening. I was counting days until I could finish already the course. day 4 that's the day we started learning vipassana. The learning was in the evening, 2 hours. the whole day and previous days ive been waiting to get to start learning vipassana, it was very tough to sit out whole meditations. those 2 hours were absolute torture, I had pains throughout my whole body and my mental state was horrible, I couldnt wait to get out. day 5 I couldnt understand how to properly do the technique. I was very confused and my mind wandered a lot because of it. nevertheless, I think it was the easiest day so far. Every possible occasion on which I could ask the assistant teacher questions until this day I did, always, during the interview times in the noon and during question time in the evening. day 6 Since approximately day 3 i've been feeling LSD-like thoughts. extremely creative, my imagination was extremely detailed, my analytical skills were very sharp and clear. With that, extremely intense fear came up, worse than a bad trip. when you're tripping at least you know you're on a chemical, here (in my mind at the time) it seemed like I was getting psychotic or depersonalized. it was something like that: Most of the day up until the strong determination sitting at 3:30pm the meditation was relatively easy, I started to get in touch with equanimity and could sit without struggle. I was surprised people were saying this day was one of the toughest. Before the strong determination sitting, I asked the assistant teacher during the interview how should I go about asking him questions, up until now my mind was a question generating machine, so I stopped trying to ask questions and just went on with the technique. During the strong determination sitting, I started feeling my body melting, for a moment I stopped existing and I freaked out a ton. on the intellectual level, I understood that my fears were irrational, but since my LSD trip I had a slight fear that there might be something wrong with me and during that time it came up. I started to fear I'd get depersonalized, i'd get back home to my parents and they would see a zombie (they didnt approve of this retreat). after that, I tried to surrender to the fear constantly and told myself i will pass, but much more different fears came up. at the end of the day, when falling asleep, again fear came up and I surrendered to it. What happened next I guess was a kundalini rising experience. I felt extremely intense energy in the abdomen and in the chest and it was going up to my throat. I felt like a huge snake was coming up from the belly to the throat, I actually felt it in the throat very clearly. I fell asleep shortly after, surrendering and knowing it will pass. day 7 Because of last night, I felt a very heavy feeling in the chest, burning sensation with pressure, which lasted until the last day. I started to be extremely emotional. every slight little emotion I felt as something jumping in my chest. cried a few times. day 8 When you do vipassana, you're supposed to sense scan the body, sense sensations and be equanimous with them. most of my practice because of the fear that arised I was busy being equanimous with the sensation of fear, and not with different parts of the body. Nearing the end of the day, I fell into a state of perfect equanimity. intense fear was there, but I didnt care about it. the realization of the fact that i didnt care created more fear, but I didnt care about that fear also. I didnt care about any sensation in my body. this state passed. day 9 couldnt meditate very well because I was waiting for the 10th day to finish the course, a lot of thoughts of possible things i will say to people came up. During the evening I contemplated the reason for all my fears. earlier I prevented myself to think about them and just surrendered to them, I think it was a mistake. I have done shadow work previously but didnt get anywhere. Here, I realize all of my fears point to "Im not good enough". for example, I contemplated why do i fear being depersonalized -> because my parents would suffer -> I would be a bad person. another example, I fear saying the wrong thing to people -> because I would be stupid or they wont want to hang out with me -> im a loser another one, I fear going crazy -> because others will see me as crazy -> im a loser during the retreat I think i overcame these fears to a certain extent and they dont affect me as much anymore day 10 amazing day, talking to people was so refreshing, my fear went away, cried a few times during the loving kindness meditations. only at the end of that day I truly understood how im supposed to be working with the technique properly, ironically, after finishing the course. day 11 came back home, during the whole day I felt very equanimous, my family is very negative and i was very sensitive so i felt some sad emotions sometimes, but i was ok with it. What I got out of it: A way to deal with my laziness. My laziness is extremely severe and it damages a lot of areas of my life. now I know a way in which to overcome it: to feel the sensation of not wanting to do something and to know it will pass, and to do the thing I want. the sensation usually passes very quickly. i will be practicing vipassana daily for some time now. I see it as a technique which will bring balance into my life, which is one of the most important things in life, if not the most important. I understood better the theory I learned in Leo's videos and understood experientially better what spirituality is about. A lot of old unpleasant memories that I didnt think about for a long time came up and I managed them. I feel like I know better what to do with my life now. I feel very equanimous and I have much more willpower. I still have very strong cravings, but I know how to deal with them. I understood better the value of communication with people, barely talking to anyone in 10 days. I realized how much I love my family and how attached I am to them. I understood what people talk about when they say that during practices like self inquiry they have a fear which prevents them from going further. I definitely felt like if I'd surrender something unexplainably bad is going to happen. I understood better how to deal with fear, more experience with it. I actually feel like on the spiritual path now, as when before I felt like an amateur. I opened my heart much more. I realized all my fears originate in "im not good enough" overcame fears overcame the extreme difficulty of meditating the whole day proved to myself i can be really hardworking. I never slept or anything like that when I had meditation time, while i've noticed others do sleep. this experience made me a more strong and mature person. I was the youngest person there, 20 years old. I feel greatful that I started to know what life is about at such an early age. It gives me confidence that ill be able to achieve great results at a young age and serve others more. I stopped craving for spiritual experiences, they pass. I care more about liberating myself now. I understood how to actually work mindfully, a lot of concepts I learned in the past make sense now. I know how to deal with my lack of satisfaction in the present moment. I crave for something that doesnt exist. I understood how much I care about my ego. for a few moments here and there i reconnected with my inner child and have seen the world with wonder as i have seen it then. I decided to quit porn for good I understood how to eat healthier

the only thing thats stopping me is fear

I feel like if I would quit the course at the 7th day i'd go psychotic also. what helped me stay is the understanding that quitting in the middle of the course would make it bad for me, so i feared quitting. i think its very crucial to stay until the end. i also had pretty tough experiences during my retreat and i did ask the teacher about it and im so glad he gave the intonation its nothing special, i just persevered through it. i think this was the teacher's fault for letting you out. though i dont know what you experienced, maybe something much more serious than i did.