Viking

I am having dreams constantly about this desire, it floods my mind often, but it just cant be fulfilled right now, so im suffering a little often. What do i do about it? in vipassana they say it's impermanent, so if the desire arises, look at it equanimously, it will pass. im doing it (as well as i can), but i still dont like that impermanent suffering it arises. im doing isha yoga daily now, 15 min, so meditation I guess is not the answer, only long term maybe. I want to have in this topic as much perspectives and ways as possible to deal with this.

yeah but the whole point of this thread was that i cant get a girlfriend in the next year because of my environment, so i need ways to cope

i thought so for the past 2 years ive been reading books, watching videos, but i didnt become any better. most people can't live well without friends and people surrounding them. thats our nature, were social creatures. i noticed isolation makes my mental health worse, while i wasnt desiring any friendships. maybe youre ok being alone, as i am, but it damages you in ways u don't know. unless youre enlightened or something, which would take lifetimes to achieve.

not in the usual sense, because ive never been in a relationship. its more of a biological thing

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romantic relationship, but its truly unattainable for the next year due to environment, so im looking for ways to cope

wow, a little long and i dont have too much free time, can you point to some specific times in the video and maybe ill rewatch the whole thing later?

i always feel that, but it becomes worse when i think about doing something proactively, for example to sit and do homework, to start a conversation or join one, etc. im afraid to do those proactive things and when i think about doing them i sometimes seem to not be able to act, like something holds me back, like the feeling before jumping into the water (or off a building lmao) should i ignore it and just DO the things always? when i do the thing i feel like i want to lay on the ground in a fetus posture and cry. edit- i think its indecisiveness. my mind wants something but fear says no

this. try to go to a place where high consciousness people abide, like an ashram of sorts, and see how they respond, maybe they might give you insight if they see anything dark about you. if they are ok with you, and only the people around you act hostile, drop them. or keep conversation to a minimum and find new friends. better nothing than toxicity.

oh great then, i didnt say drop meditation. i said drop self inquiry. also get into emotional mastery, as thats what youre struggling with. read some books.

whenever im in a social situation, with a group of people or friends, or just generally in a populated situation i usually dont have presence. my presence is not felt by other people. i dont have anything to say, somtimes i say something but it holds very little weight. my words are not engaging. most people i interact with somewhat frequently like me and respect me, but it wouldnt make much difference whether i was there or not. when i talk to people i barely get stimulated, its usually very boring. of course it depends with whom i talk, but generally my conversations are boring. when in a group of friends i rarely feel an urge to talk, and if i talk, my words usually get dismissed or ignored. maybe its the wrong people, and i need to search for places to find people on my frequency, but i have no idea how to. why dont i have that presence? p.s. thats one of the reasons i never had a girlfriend, i barely interact with people because i dont have what to say, and when i do, either i get bored or they get bored

are you socially isolated by chance? do you talk to people often? I think you got the good ol' overthinking problem. in other words you believe a bunch of stupid shit. I can tell because of the depersonalization stuff. its usually overthinking that does that, and it goes away with time. (i may be wrong though, see for yourself) what I suggest you do if you're in school (i assume youre a teen) is to find some friends. (in case I didnt misunderstood and you are a teen) find some hobbies. even if its hard. get into the real world, get out of your mind. do some usual self help, drop the consciousness work right now, it wont lead you anywhere healthy atm I think. what do you want? you probably want something like a girlfriend or friends or love or fun, like most teens do. those desires lie beneath the mental garbage you've created for yourself. I dont think stuff like self inquiry should be done before a certain age for most people, because your ego hasnt solidified yet. anyway, look into your desires and act on them. ultimately at the end your desires will lead you to awakening, dont worry. keep on meditating if you do that but stop the mental masturbation like self inquiry. p.s. my reply is based on a few of your sentences, i might be wrong, im not even sure youre a teen, see for yourself. edit: to add, I think, I dont know, but I think that you THINK you got enlightened or some shit, pseudo-enlightenment, no self, bla bla bla. I think youre just misunderstanding what you think you know. thats why you should drop that and pick that up later, much later, when your life is figured out. you dont have much life experience, so you dont have the tools to self inquire properly. true enlightenment comes with maturing, not some depersonalization split self shit. your life should become better with consciousness work, not worse. those panic attacks, its your body telling you you're doing something wrong. if you were truly discovering the true nature of the universe they wouldnt be there. drop consciousness work for now. i know im a broken record.

exactly what this post was made for, you're welcome <3

I wrote a ton of posts here about my motivation issues. I dont want to read books, I dont want to study, do homework, I dont want to learn, etc. I had it my whole life and it started to ruin my life. I got a ton of generic and not so generic advice, such as: center yourself, do nofap, quit addictions- you are overstimulated, meditate more, become enlightened (lol), etc. none of which worked. Ive been meditating for a year, I am usually centered, i did nofap, whatever have you. nofap worked short term because of the increased energy levels, but it didnt tap into the core of the problem, so I kept having resistance to doing all that stuff (studying, reading..) so it didnt work in the end. about an hour ago I was restless so I sat to contemplate random stuff for fun. I thank god for that decision now, maybe. I thought about how I hate studying. I thought what I did like, for example playing around with photoshop, watching tv, and then I remembered that I did enjoy to do some homework from previous courses, and then I realized it, it wasnt a lightbulb kind of realization, I just understood it as a possibility. it may be wrong but the more i thought about it, it made more sense. I still doubt it, but here it goes: i dont believe i am able to do those things successfully. I have low self esteem. when I did homework from previous courses I enjoyed doing them because I actually managed to do them. I like using photoshop because im successful at it. i dont dislike watching tv because it doesnt require any skill, so of course i believe i can do it. homework from most courses i did, i always made mistakes, couldnt solve it, had to use refferences, therefore i hated it so much. regarding books, I have read more than 5 self help books, but i gained NOTHING out of them (or maybe I did, but I dont notice it), i wasnt able to integrate them, so when i think about opening a book, my subconscious realizes I wont get anything out of it, so why should i bother, therefore i have huge resistance. a pretty lame explanation, but I wasnt able to falsify this hypothesis with any examples. I grew up with low self esteem. im a fucking physics student that does fairly well and I believe most people are smarter and better than me. I always second guess myself. I believe that im a shitty human being and not deserving of love, so when someone says something good about me I think theyre either lying or I get a strong emotional reaction (not as strong as to cry). tbh i post a lot in this forum just to get attention, subconsciously obviously (not so much now, eh?) Ive been wanting to read "six pillars of self esteem" already about 2 months but never got to it because of resistance. I probably dont believe ill be able to implement whatever is in that book. I guess ill try to get into it. I never realized self esteem is so important.

exactly my thoughts

this is a continuation of "i have no presence of social circles" post. i have no friends. my definition of a friend is someone i talk to regularly with and hang out with beyond school/work. I do talk to people, during breaks between lectures usually, which are around 10 minutes, but thats it. I study in the library, but i dont talk to people there because they are busy and i have studying to do, so i cant initiate conversations. other than that i go to the gym, but there people are also busy and if i talk to them i would seem needy. besides those 3 places, lectures, library and gym there are no places in proximity to meet people, there are no hobby clubs or anything like that in my university. if i talk to people outside of lecture breaks its of pure coincidence. also, if i talk to someone it very rarely gets to the point of talking to them outside of lecture breaks. I guess to make a friend i need to talk to people outside of lecture breaks. one way to talk is to invite people to study with me, which i hate to do. another way is to invite people to eat, which is expensive and people usually deny, it also cant be done all the time. i have no idea what people do besides those things. im rarely at the dorm so i dont talk with my roommates. most people i talk with dont go to the gym. im out of options really, kind of stuck, unless by chance i happen to stumble upon somebody not busy. thoughts?

dont get me wrong, I want to learn shambhavi badly, but I cant learn it. and I dont trust other sources because its dangerous. is isha kriya the 5 minute thing? that i really doubt does anything, I tried it and it didnt work.

ive been doing kriya yoga extremely rigorously for 3 months, it gave me nothing but headaches

i know this is the end goal but it will take years to achieve that happiness from the inside, maybe even enlightenment. eating chocolate wont make me happy, and in order for the yoga to work i need to attend at least inner engineering which i dont have the money nor the time right now. this is so wrong. the resistance is caused by my belief that i cant do it. its a main theme in psychology. if i improve my esteem i will enjoy doing what i do and wont have resistance.

the acdc singer?

yeah i realized it after i wrote the post

I would say eat little-moderate amount of food. enough so you are not hungry and not too much so your stomach is not full.

for people out there: if you also have resistance and motivation problems reflect upon it keeping self esteem in mind. i noticed it could be extremely sneaky, and it may not seem like the core cause is self esteem. for me I guess my lack of motivation happened like this: low self esteem ---> when trying to study, I believed unconsciously I couldnt make it ---> I had resistance to study, because I believed on some level it was futile ---> I studied half ass ---> I actually became bad at the subject ---> my belief that I couldnt make it was reinforced and the cycle continued same with books: i believed I couldnt integrate what's in the book ---> had resistance to do the work the book required ---> did the work half ass or not at all ---> didnt integrate the book ---> I believe I cant integrate the book ---> even more resistance

in the last week i had 4 lucid dreams. they didnt happen often before that. during the first one and the second one tried to wake up by force because it was uncomfortable and i felt like i was going insane, i was scared. although it was a lucid dream i didnt have context of what was happening. during the third one (the most terrifying one) everything in the dream that had color suddenly separated into a few objects that had different colors but together comprised the original color. i woke up feeling drunk and in panic, i thought i was having a psychotic episode, because when waking up i still had the delusional dream consciousness for a little bit, the one without context. i think it faded 2 seconds or so after waking up but the panic persisted for long. i thought i had an acid flashback or something. during the fourth one i was calm, i realized its a dream, didnt know what to do with it, was tired and bored, felt uncomfortable, so i sat down to meditate with "closed eyes" and tried to wake up, successfully. what is happening?

when ill get my life purpose handled, about 10 years from now (im 20) i dont trust myself. in retrospect i had no control over my behavior in the dreams, i had a different "logic" back then because the context was different. what would happen if i lost that context when im in waking consciousness?