Buba

You found out you like sucking cocks when you were married. Was not it traumatic for you? Did not you feel depressed? Were you always sure that you were into only girls?

I doubt it is OCD. It is verified by my own feelings and by psychoanalytic I visit. I am not just afraid of realization of passive gay sex, the more I am afraid is that I will be attracted to men in daily life. This means a catastroph. Total collapse of my life. You are right, Leo, but even if I accept it at intellectual level, tell myself that I accept if the only kind of sex I will have from now will be gay sex, still after some time I see have not accepted it.

So after you accepted it the desire vanished? When I accept I have passive receiver feelings, I start not to pay attention on these impulses and my desire for girls increases a lot. Fear makes me confused, if I want passive sex or not. When I dont care I feel attraction only towards girls and impulses be there without object.

I know what I say does not make sense. I know you guys are right. But nothing can make me accept this fact and myself. This is the hardest thing to accept.

In my fantasies I enjoy both active and passive. But I think if I engage in passive sex in reality it will be a traume for me. I am scared the urges will be too strong. I am devastated, man. I cant accept it. No matter how hard I try, I cant accept it.

Did you have bisexual thoughts as a passive or active? Yes I am from Middle East. Dude, being passive is the collapse of my world. It is a trauma for me. If I was 17 may be I could handle it, but I am 32. I dont like the idea being passive. And I have strong desires for women, why should I develop desires for men? Cant I just ignore them?

I am from Middle East. It has been 10 days I try to accept myself the way I am, but I cant. I really cant love myself unconditionally. I really cant accept the fact that I may engage in passive sex. My whole life I believed I am only into girls. This passive thing is a shock. I always dreamed marrying a girl. It is so unfair. I dont want to be passive. Dont I have a right? Do any of you have these passive gay feelings? It is so rare. I am so unlucky. Cant I just observe the feelings and ignore them and not develop them? Will it hinder the healing?

I am attracted to a man not just as active but passive as well. How come a man would like to be passive (receiver). It is so disgusting and depressing.

Hey Martin thank you very much. Have you been in psychoanalysis? How do you know what is going on with me? What do you mean by sexually free masculinity? I dont feel masculine anymore, I feel like I am becoming more and more passive gay as I release repressed emotions.

I have heard we repress emotions. But passive gayness is not an emotion. It is a trait. I have never read anywhere that passive gayness can be repressed and is one of repressed emotions. Even if I lived in the most tolerant country I would never want to be a gay. I dont want it. Do you want to die? Do you want to eat shit? No. We dont want some things. Let other people be gay, not me.

I dont want torture anymore. I have been in torture for 14 years. I just want peace. No pain anymore. Please, I deserved it. I am in pain for 14 years, dude.

I dont want to be gay, Nahm I like girls so much. I am so happy with them.

I am turning gay because of psychoanalysis. He said I would be men-prone and passive after the end of terapy. I started to go to psychoanalysis in November to find a cure to the torture inside. Last week the psychoanalytic told me I had repressed my passive (gay) feelings and wants. And I need to release them to cure. I have already started to release them and I see he is right.

It is also good news. I dont want to come here ever again.

I hope my next reincarnation will be much better. I just want simple happiness. I dont want to be God.

After last psychoanalysis session it turned out I repressed my homosexual feelings, so they were stored in my unconscious. It induced fear in me and I found it disgusting. Now I have intense fear in my abdomen and intrusive thoughts that I will never accept my sexuality fully because of my family conditioning and will get stuck in this conflict and commit suicide. 2 years ago in my Dark Night of the Soul I had such fear and intrusive thoughts that if I dont get enlightened I will get stuck in this hell forever. So does intrusive thoughts induce fear or fear induces intrusive thoughts? If second, then What causes that original fear that takes different forms (themes)? Also I let thoughts go and bring my focus in now and feel fear mindfully and it increases fear and something in the background craves for validation, so I think or google things which will make it calm down. I know it since my childhood and know that after just several minutes it will start to panic and crave for validation again. So I leave it to starve and bring my focus to now and just relax and be. This increases fear and sometimes I panic I will go insane, so I step back and start to think in order to feed it in the background. How many hours or days or months continually being in the now will starve that shit to death?

I really dont believe I am fine the way I am. I cant help but dont believe it. Even if I accept myself at intellectual level, deep down I dont accept myself. I cant. And I exert effort to be in the now, which makes me tired and then thoughts occupy again, then I exert effort again to be in the now.

I cant do it. I really try but cant do it.

@Nahm I am scared to inspect my feelings and thoughts, For two reasons: 1) I believe I can live a happy life repressing and ignoring my homosexuality. Accepting that I have homosexual side, but never inspect it, develop it, and act out on it. 2) I may have little homosexuality but thinking about it a lot and inspecting it may reprogram me being gay. So you recommend me to be in the now for 24 hours. I am scared to do this, because I think such hardcore being in the now will bring horrible ego backlash or awakening which I will not be able to accept and handle. Can I gradually increase being in the now? Does it mean evolving your brain slowly to avoid intense side effects? One of my main resistances to homosexuality is because of my dream to marry. I always dreamed to marry, have a family, live in peace, be happy, come home from work, be happy to see my family, to watch TV with my wife, to see my parents playing with my kids. May be this is not my authentic want, but my parents’. But right now I want it so much. This possibility that I will marry someday a girl and be happy gives me sence of peace. Being gay is the collapse of my world. Being gay is the collapse of me.

I think I have gay side. I enjoy homosexual fantasies. That is why this internal conflict is so huge. I never thought fantasizing makes you gay. But to be honest I enjoy them and I feel I have a great potential to act out on it. However I am still unsure. Also I am in a big denial. I dont know if something is true or just I am in denial. I have had sex with feminine men as an active (man’s role). But I have never ever been atracted to a man in reality as a passive (women’s role). I dont know whether because I dont want it or because I repress my want unconsciously (as my psychoanalyst says), and that is why I dont see it. I am unsure but I can say based on my sexual feelings there is a great potential in me to act on these fantasies.

So it was a radical change. So now you accept yourself whatever you do and you would easily sleep with men if you wanted.

I believe you Nahm. But it is beyond my control. I have been meditating for almost 3 years. But my mind is still the same and judges me all the time. I dont know what to do. I also have existential crisis. Sense of self disappeared yesterday. But it was horrible. Should I keep meditating and then someday definitely I will accept everything about me?

Yes I grew up in homophobic family and culture. Have you ever had sexual fantazies with men?

First comes feeling and then a judging thought. So even if I did not judge, still the feeling is negative. What I can do is to ignore or repel the thoughts, and bring focus to feelings, which is hard. By the way are you in a constant state where you never feel there is a problem and you are always in peace.

I cant let go of judging myself. Because: 1. I am scared if I let everything go I will become full gay, sucking and jumping on dicks. I can accept everything but not this. This is my red line. 2. Even if I accept myself at intellectual level, I still dont accept myself deep down. And judging goes automatically. I dont think on purpose. When I come closer to the core fear, a thought comes which is so scary I cant help but go to the thought and think to calm myself down. If I manage to bring myself in the now each time a thought comes, will something happen? Because I feel something big will happen, and shake out my body. And it seems if finally I feel it fully it will disappear. But how long should I be in the now for it to disappear? Because it is very hard, over time fear increases if I dont think to calm myself down. Sexual identity crisis and existential crisis make me paralyzed and draw me to inside my head.