
Buba
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Everything posted by Buba
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Azerbaijan. Azerbaijani. 33. I am afraid of passive homosexuality, not active. That 70 days concern was absurd. I dont know why it happened. Just psychedelics will bring me happiness?
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What kind of work?
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When I suffer I dont meditate. I meditate when I am ok. How come putting me in a shithole God wants to see itself through my eyes?
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Is our life pre-determined?
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If God cannot create pink elephant out of blue, then there is no God. There is only system - karma. Every act has consequences and no power can change it. There is no God who can bend reality and go against karma.
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Accept and love yourself - someone is pedophile and fears if he totally accepts himself he will act on his urges Normal person can easily accept himself and then tell other people accept yourself.
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I think there is no God, everything is a coincident.
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Why dont ego’s wishes matter? I have only one wish - a medicine which will stop my all sexuality.
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Freudian psychoanalysis is based on sexuality.
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I have been going to Psychoanalyst once a week (50 minutes) since last year's October. I would say it is more potent than meditation. In psychoanalysis we see our repressed emotions, thoughts, memories, urges which we find unpleasant and even scared of. Releasing them and reintegrating decreases our neurosis and heals us. On 10th January I found out my repressed side was my homosexuality I still cant come to terms and still under shock. I contemplate suicide every day. Freud himself said that in psychoanalysis among male patients repressed homosexuality has the greatest resistance. But probably I will accept it over time and reintegrate it and heal. Repressed homosexuality is a very rare thing, so dont worry. All other things are much easier to surrender to. I wish I also had any other repressed thing. Only homosexuality was unacceptable for me. Unfortunately I am not lucky. But you will have normal repressed things and in psychoanalysis you will become free and happy. One year psychoanalysis once a week is much stronger and helpful than one year daily one hour meditation. So go for it. But whatever you have repressed, it will be painful to reintegrate it. So the procedure is unpleasant for everyone.
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I have been non-stop suffering for last 14 years. In psychoanalysis it was revealed I was suffering because I was trying to undo my passive homosexuality (bottom). It was a big shock for me. I could not surrender to it totally. After two months it subsided, so I did not become a gay, but I still have urges in my anus. I was going to be happy that I avoided being homosexual, I faced a paradox. I had been living a homosexual life besides heterosexual. It was an active homosexuality (top). I had had homosexual sex 6 times during last 10 years. I had watched gay porn, had had homosexual fantasies. But never labeled it as homosexuality and was sure I was pure heterosexual. To know that I have been bisexual for last ten years hit me so hard I was injected antidepressants. I could not believe I did those things, I could not believe myself. I had always been pure heterosexual until I entered a dating website where one year after writing to girls and being rejected I started to check profiles of shemales and got aroused by their photos and after months of fantasies I went and fuck a tyranny. So my homosexual life began from a fantasy inspired by a photo of a shemale. Then I started to check photos of feminine gays. Such a paradox. A guy who does not have a schizophrenia or is not retarded, had a homosexual life for 10 years and found it out after 10 years. I am so sad. I wish I did not enter that dating website, then I would never know my top homosexual potential. Now I am so depressed. If I did not enter that website I would never had homosexual fantasy. Why did life play this trick? I had never been attracted to a shemale or gay before I entered that chat (at age of 23). Why did God let me in that website which spoiled my heterosexuality? I wish he took my one eye, or one arm or one ear, but not my heterosexuality. Now I cant relax. Because I dont want to be bisexual (says a guy who has been bisexual for last 10 years). I think God made me do those things, but there is no point. God is stupid if he exists. I know I can be happy and bisexual, but I dont want to be bisexual and looking for ways to correct it and of course only a miracle can make me a heterosexual again. I just wanted to be an average person and be happy. God gave me 2 kind of homosexuality. One since my childhood, one initiated by a photo. I wish I was homophobe, then my second homosexuality would not start. Because homophobia is a defense mechanism and truly defenses men from homosexuality. It is automatic and really helps.
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Yes, despite my resistance I see I will accept it totally one day.
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He says the therapy is going well ?
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I sit and observe my breath through my nose or abdomen. It is the only meditation I know ? Psychoanalysis is conducted by a professional psychoanalytic. You speak, he listens to you and sometimes asks questions and after some time you yourself start to see what you are hiding. It can take several months.
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Can I change my destiny if I am God?
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Is Reincarnation Real? How does it work? If someone commits suicide, to what kind of a life will he reincarnate? Will he start from zero in terms of consciousness work or will he continue from where he stopped?
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What is nonsense about reincarnation is the claim that when you die you take your spiritual advancement into next life. Have you for example heard someone born and be in stream entry without meditation and any spiritual practices?
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I always sought for this - the innate, unconditional value. I feel unworthy, incomplete. Tried a lot of things to find innate value. Meditation, psychoanalysis and etc. But I have not found it. Has anybody found this innate value? Does anybody feel worthy and complete? How did you find it? Is spiritual awakening a must for it? How can I get liberated from the tormenting inner voice?
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Buba replied to ardacigin's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Do you do concentration meditation everyday to be able to sustain that joy? How long do you practice every day? -
Thank you, Nahm. So far my search for happiness fails. This last being gay issue was the hardest one. I don't plan to commit suicide, but all my passion for life disappeared.
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I think "false self" and "true self" in psychotherapy are different from "false self" and "true self" in spirituality. He claims, once your true self reveals itself, you will feel happy and complete. Similar reports I have seen from people who have released repressed emotions under drugs - feeling fearless, complete, ready to die.
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After some time I give up and listen to the thoughts )) John Bradshaw talks about "False self" which will be destroyed and "True Self" will appear, if repressed emotions are released. And then human does not feel incomplete. The parent inside the mind dies. And human becomes free. What is your opinion about it? Is it nonsense?
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I ask them and they say they are happy. I have seen people who don't try to be the best or succeed in order to feel valuable.
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What kind of work? I have been meditating for more than 2 years and I am still the same. I be in the now and ignore thoughts, but at some point I get tired and give up and return to thoughts.