Buba

I have been suffering very hard for last 15 years. Life is a horror for me. And now it became even worse. I went to psychotherapists and had antidepressants for 7 years. It had no benefits on me. I started to meditate in 2017 and meditated for several years. But did not see any benefit on my mental health. Although I liked meditation and had a firm belief in it. I started to go to psychoanalysis in 2019 and I regret very much. That motherfucker told me not to meditate and destroyed my life. I told my biggest secret to my parents because of him and ruined my life. I wish I never went to psychoanalysis. It is a hoax. Total bullshit. Better stick to your meditation. What can I do? Which reliable solution will heal me? I dont care nirvana, enlightenment, I just wanted to escape this madness and live my life. I failed miserably. But it is mainly because of psychoanalysis. If I did not start it I might be in a better situation now.

Thanks to everybody. Sorry I did not reply to you, but I read all answers. I feel so low I do not even know what to write here.

Go to psychoanalysis, if you have a regular monthly income.

I googled how to join a buddhist monastery, but could not get a useful information, so I decided to ask here, may be there are people who are experienced or have knowledge about monasteries. Is it possible to join a monastery and live there for several years? If it is, what are the requirements?

What are the requirements for Plum Village? Only payment? Is there a specific visa to stay at ashrams in India? I am an atheist. I wonder if a person can choose to stay for several years at a monastery and what are the requirements including money. I dont have a career and a messy life, so I wonder if it is possible just out of blue to join a monastery, do they easily accept random people? If you wanted to live there more, would you have to pay? I live in Azerbaijan and there is no monastery in my country or in countries nearby. What are the requirements?

I had OCD with missions. I had been suffering for 14 years constantly because of these missions. I went to psychotherapists and swallowed antidepressants, meditated and none of them helped. I went to psychoanalysis and it revealed I had repressed my passive homosexuality which allegedly caused my missions. I was devastated for 2 months. Then I figured out I am not gay and my homosexuality is repressed. I was so scared of my passive homosexuality, I declared a war on my active homosexuality which is mainly in my fantasies and is 10 years old and I had sex with shemales and feminine gays 6 times in last 10 years. I wanted to get rid of my active homosexual desires although during these 10 years I always approved them. It is absurd that I knew I will never be pure heterosexual or asexual, but still I chose to not accept my 10 years old active homosexuality and chose to suffer. It is absurd that in order to be happy I did my best to accept my passive homosexuality, because I knew I cant escape it. But I never tried to accept my active homosexuality, although I knew I cant escape it. It is totally absurd. I had such a hysteria “I dont want to be bisexual, I dont want to be bisexual”, I told my parents about my active homosexuality and my homosexual experiences and this absurd hysteria lasted for 70 days. After 70 days I suddenly felt fear and then I figured out what an absurd I was doing. I was fighting against my harmless lovely 10 years old active homosexuality. Why? I still dont know. It was absurd and it was first time I experienced such a thing. Since then I suffer tremendously because I told my parents about my active homosexuality, which was secret for 10 years. Of course they did not approve it but still did not make me upset. I feel like there is a spot in my soul. My heterosexual image I had since my childhood got destroyed. I lost my connection with my parents. They told me they still see me as heterosexual and I just made mistakes, but I still feel awful. They should have never know my secret, but I told them with my own mouth because of this absurd. I almost lost my job which I had for 8 years. I am mentally crippled. I cant do even very basic things. I do my best to accept the situation and dont care anything, but it is not up to me. I cant eat, sleep normally, I cant sit. I always walk and think about that absurd which caused me to tell my parents about my homosexuality. How come I did not accept my active homosexuality? But I accepted it 10 years ago. How come I tried my best to accept passive homosexuality which was devastating for me but I did my best not to accept my active homosexuality which I always cherished? Since January I am in a constant suffering (2 months passive homosexuality concern which disappeared because the urges disappeared, 70 days active homosexuality concern which I dont know why even started because during these 10 years I always approved it, and 3 months telling my parents about my active homosexuality concern which still lasts.) My father got angry at my psychoanalyst and told him not to have psychoanalysis with me. He got scared and agreed. Now I am looking for a place where they can heal me. Meditation, psychoanalysis, different therapies and etc. Utopia. My sense of self hurts so much. If this absurd did not happen, I would be very happy and grateful for going to psychoanalysis. But this absurd happened, I lost my mind and attacked my active homosexuality (and I knew I would lose) and told my parents my 10 years old secret. I cant accept it I told them about my secret. I feel uneasiness, as if there is an eternal spot in my soul. I feel huge discomfort. I lost connection with my parents. My heterosexual image collapsed. My world collapsed. I feel like I will stay like this forever. I feel like I will never be happy because my parents know I had sex with men. My sense of self hurts so much. Is there a place where I can heal? Psychologists and psychotherapies will not help me.

I will drop you my number ))

Will it be really bad if I commit suicide? I cant go on anymore. Will it harm my karma, reincarnation? May be these are all bullshit.

Ego backlash is not a joke : ))

Good luck gardash : ))) Dont forget telling Fariz about me

I have seen the benefits with just 1-2 times a week. Trust in Fariz.

Once a week for several months, then twice a week.

No ? But I read comments of people who have done and see it does not leave a trace in their life. Like heroin high comes and goes.

Psychoanalysis will help, psychedelics dont have that lasting effects. Psychoanalysis is expensive and time consuming but it is worth it.

It will take years, but it will help. My father did not let me go on. He threatened Fariz with his and his son’s murder. My father thought psychoanalysis made me worse. Actually my psyche is so crippled that psychoanalysis was mot guilty. Fariz chickened out and abandoned me.

I thought 5 years hard core seeking would get you stream entry.

Yes Fariz Samedov. He is the only psychoanalytic in Azerbaijan. He is professional. Say hi to him next time and tell him about my topic in this forum :)))) It is kind of psychotherapy founded by Freud.

It is not up to me. Something inside me is broken. Where is your country?

33 I had obsessions and was suffering and went to psychoanalysis. There it revealed I had repressed my passive homosexuality. I was so scared I attacked and tried to suppress my active homosexuality which I always aproved. I lost my mind (I dont know why) and told my parents about my homosexuality and homosexual experiences. They were shocked but still supportive. But I feel miserable because I lost my heterosexual image. I crave for it. I am not homosexual but I have homosexuality mainly in fantasies. My parents dont ostracize me, they still see me as heterosexual who experimented with men couple of times. Even if I was gay they would still support me. Now you can say what is the problem then? I dont know. I feel miserable because they know my homosexual acts. And I dont see myself as heterosexual like before in their eyes. It is not normal I know.

I do my best to not care but to no avail.

I cant live alone. I am mentally crippled now.

I dont know why I suffer tremendously just because my parents know about my homosexual acts. I crave for my previous heterosexual image. I became mentally crippled. I stopped even brushing my teeth. I almost dont eat. I walk inside the house for hours, cant sit still.

But my homosexuality is very little. So my heterosexual image was somehow real. In my country people live with their parents until they marry.

How? I live with my parents. I am ok with my sexuality. I am mainly heterosexual. I have little homosexuality. I feel discomfort because I told them about my homosexuality. I miss my heterosexual image. My sense of self hurts. I am mentally crippled. I cant explain my problem. They accept me, but my pure heterosexual image destroyed and I feel miserable.

I am mentally sick. My sense of self hurts. What else would you recommend? I accept my homosexuality, it is almost only in fantasies.