Emerald

I'd be careful not to use Leo's newest video advice not to backslide. If you feel like you've been making sufficient progress, continue onward without sabotaging your progress. But if your willpower doesn't work, allow yourself to become aware as you backslide.

I was laying in bed last night at around midnight and I had an interesting experience. I often bring my awareness to the sensations in my body as I go to sleep. So, because I recently switched to a Vegan diet, I was bringing the focus to the areas of my spine where the chakras are said to be located. Many say that going Vegan raises your vibration, so I was scanning the chakras regions to see if I noticed any changes from the norm. I have also been having some strange emotions relative to the change in diet/lifestyle which have been very uncomfortable, and I wondered if it had energetic origins. I noticed that my solar plexus area was pulsating and the pulsating sensation seemed to be rippling outward. I found this interesting because the solar plexus chakra is said to correspond to identity and sense of self, when I decided yesterday that instead of trying to diminish my ego, I am going to create my ego as a masterpiece as I did prior to my enlightenment experiences. Only this time I would create the ego with full knowledge of its illusory nature. So, I watched the sensation for a couple minutes, and here's where it gets a bit fuzzy. But it was very clear to me when I was going through the process despite the fact that it's very fuzzy to me now. I began asking myself internally over and over "What's experiencing this?" As I asked this question, my vision changed a bit. It was dark in the room so things were already fuzzy. But my depth of field easily flattened. Many of the darkest areas of my room began to shine a little bit with almost like a white noise look but not quite. It was a more subtle effect than what I wrote implies. It was more of a visual disturbance than a hallucination. Then, there was a strong surge-like sensation through my entire back and for a moment I was in sleep paralysis where I was paralyzed and hearing a strong vibration in my ears. I get sleep paralysis all the time, so I recognized this. But then I pulled through to another vibrational state where I was feeling a more subtle vibration in my arms and hands but I was no longer paralyzed. This was when I got really fuzzy about what had happened just before. I could barely remember despite having just done it in a full state of awareness to what I was doing. I felt fear and a little frustration at the fact that I couldn't remember. I continued to ask myself "What is experiencing this?" My depth of field was still flat and the visual disturbance was still going on. As I asked, I felt a little fuzzy about who I was. And then I felt a sense of stillness and timelessness. It was as though my flattened visual field was just floating there in stillness. Fear was still slightly in the background. Some thoughts still came and went, but few and far between. I still slightly remembered who I was and where I was. But I kept asking "What is experiencing this?" I was a lot more open to this inquiry because I was already tired. So, I was in a deep meditative state experiencing this stillness for a couple minutes. Then the fear got louder and thoughts got more frequent. I began to wonder if it was enlightenment. Then I found my thoughts urging to "kill the ego". My husband then came into the room and I began telling him about the experience. He's not very receptive to my interest in spirituality, so he just rolled his eyes and said that he's going to bed. Then I was mad and got all sulky, and I realized that the ego was still alive and well. Anyone had a similar experience to this? If so, I'd love your take on if this relates to enlightenment or is some other state of consciousness. Thank you!

They probably would. But I'm looking for a chat with someone who's had a similar experience for emotional reasons rather than to ask advice or something like that. It's nice to converse with someone who can relate.

Oh yeah. Definitely. But I wouldn't say that I'm particularly interested in chakras or anything super spiritual. I have sort of a resistance to it for fear of seeming non-credible so I don't like to be associated with anything too new agey. But I try to operate from the idea "There is no way to enlightenment" and I also try to stay in a state of not believing but not not believing, if that makes sense. So, from that standpoint, couldn't it be true that there may be an energetic component to the realization of enlightenment? If so, applying awareness to the sensations of the body (chakras or not) could potentiallyhave some kind of effect.

Asking myself this over and over actually allowed me to focus and drown out the logical answer to the question and to hone more in on my awareness separate from thoughts. I may not have given the impression of this from my post, but this was what I believed enabled me to be the stillness because I wasn't consulting my thoughts for the answer, I was really observing in a state of receptivity using the question as prompt to observe without losing awareness of what I was looking for. The question was like a magnifying glass through which I was focusing my awareness to make the focus more penetrating. To go in a little more detail, when the visual field was flattened I still saw my nose, part of my cheek, and my body. So, those parts of me were just part of a 2-d screen. I've known this for a while. But in asking what's perceiving, it separated my awareness from this 2-d screen, and so I truly didn't identify with the image of the body or anything within the visual field. The same was true of my sensations and my thoughts even though this was less pronounced. These were floating in the stillness too. There was a time of compete quiet and timelessness too. But this was only a brief part of the experience. I suspect that the stillness aspect is what is referred to as "being" and "emptiness". So, I believe that this was a firsthand experience of this. Although I didn't get the overwhelming experience of unconditional love, oneness, and feeling of heaven that I got during my two enlightenment experiences. But I believe the other aspects of the experience relate more to physiological brain wave states that relate more to sleep and also changes in energetic resonance due to lifestyle changes.

Ask yourself what this means about your experience of sensations. Do your sensations of your body relate to your visual experience of your body?

You're welcome

I would think similar in the sense that you go from identifying with the self in the mirror that you imagine does all of your experiences, to being the awareness that both contains and imbues all things within the field of awareness. It is being able to hold both of those perspective without knowing which one is "correct" in the same way as in the image. The faces and chalice are both valid interpretations. But I would say that it's different in this way too. Because the existential 'being the awareness' realization is more true than the 'identifying with the small self' paradigm. So, it would be more of a perfect analogy if, within the image, there was a more true interpretation. For example, instead of seeing 'faces' or 'chalice' , you literally see it for what it is, two black shapes and a white shape on a flat surface.

It's your decision. There is no right or wrong here. The better question is, do you want to go back and restart? If so, do it. If not, find something else.

It has been very helpful for me to seek guidance. I had two "enlightenment" experiences years ago, which I wasn't directly seeking for. So, I did a lot of foolish things to try to replicate the state. I was very confused. So, finding people who are informed about it was amazingly helpful. As far as who's meant to teach you, look no further than how they make you feel. You will feel a feeling sort of like expansion or relief if you really resonate with a particular teacher. But you will likely move out of resonance with and in resonance with others as you move along. So, be willing to come and go with spiritual teachers. This has always been true for me.

I like this.

This seems true. Thoughts are certainly happening within the field of awareness. You can perceive the thoughts, but you can't perceive what is perceiving the thoughts. Yet perception is happening.

That's what a lot of things have seemed to be pointing to for me as well. There has been a bit of a shift in the type of external information that I've been encountering about enlightenment lately from various sources. It seems to be moreso about focusing on the consciousness that is aware. Actually looking for being. Before, if this information was presenting itself, it never seemed like the most significant advice. Now, the idea of 'look for what is perceiving' seems to be popping up everywhere.

Death used in this way is a great and terrible motivator for those abiding in ego consciousness. It is a highly effective and addictive form of negative motivation. Nothing will keep you motivated more than the thought that you will one day die. It was the horse whip that I once used to beat myself into being motivated toward my goals. The ego needs to feel significant, so death is enemy number one to the ego. So, many people seek to make their lives significant through aggrandizing their ego through 'doing.' This is the primary motivator for most people who are pursuing self-actualization. But no matter what you do, significance can never come to you. You will do and do and do for your entire life and never feel significant. You'll be running on a hamster wheel for your entire life. Your achievements and successes will only subdue your feelings of insignificance for a short time, but life will still be empty. No matter how much you achieve, you will die and be forgotten. If you're "lucky" enough to get famous enough to go down in history, your life will amount to nothing more than a boring footnote in a history book that no one wants to read anyway. I know that I sound like a ray of sunshine, but I hope that this is illuminating to you. Resistance to death is a perfect obstacle for the ego to struggle against. It is struggle that the ego needs to maintain its foothold on your consciousness. If you're interested in enlightenment, don't use death as a motivator. It will be a huge barrier because you'll become addicted to using this 'ego vs. death' struggle for the sake of achievement and motivation. It's a difficult addiction to break because it will seem to reap you many rewards. Instead, use only genuine motivation toward future visions to motivate yourself. If you want something to happen for the sake of it happening, the motivation will come naturally. The completion and enjoyment of the task and the fruit it produces will be the reward, not the inflation of ego and temporary feeling of relief from the ever-present emptiness that motivates most people. Always ask yourself why you want what you want. @Leo Gura - Any thoughts?

I feel you. But Adyashanti said that struggling is what's necessary to keep ego alive. The ego is like a paper tiger, it isn't real so it needs constantly to be fed by thought to have a foothold on reality. If you starve it out, it will naturally undo itself. The way to do this is to stop struggling against it. Accept ego and everything else in your reality. It's like a chinese finger trap, if you struggle against it, it gets tighter. But if you relax getting free is effortless.

I doubt it. Enlightened people still use I to refer to themselves. I would moreso think it has to do with the identification you have with the "I" than using it is colloquial language.

Thank you!

You're welcome! I watched that Teal Swan video too. It seems that similar themes are coming up for me as for other people as of lately. More and more stuff related to my most recent topics that I covered in my videos and that I'm focusing on in my life are coming up more than before. It's all been very synchronistic. I hope that it's a sign that I'm on the right track. I haven't watched the Mooji one but I'll definitely have to check it out now. Thanks again for the encouragement!

In a sense, yes and no. Yes, because life with ego is hell. I know this because I've experienced ego transcendence and the quality of experience was night and day from mundane consciousnes. I let go of so much suffering that I didn't even realize that I had. This is my primary reason for seeking. But no, in the sense that you can always choose to let go of suffering and be happy. So, the answer isn't so clear cut. But at this point, I do truly feel as though dropping my ego is the only way to experience true happiness and love. I have a lot of resistance to what is.

I will enjoy life.

I just went back and read that post and I agree. I couldn't feel attraction to a man who said that to me. The intimacy barriers go up if a man tries to tear me down and attraction turns to disgust. Intimacy becomes impossible with someone who puts me down. In order to be intimate, vulnerability is 100% necessary. You can't be vulnerable around someone who tears down your self-esteem on purpose.

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like he's desensitized himself through use of external stimuli (i.e. pictures, pornography, etc.) So, this makes it harder to get off to a real tangible woman with an array of human traits and not just an image that can be idealized. I'm pretty certain that it comes from this desensitization and not a lack of desire for you based upon traits that you carry. This is why over-use of pornography is detrimental. It really becomes a barrier to intimacy because people who watch it regularly, develop neural pathways where their main outlet for orgasm relates back to an image and not a real person. So, it becomes easier to get aroused by a picture/fantasy and simultaneously harder to get aroused by a real woman. It would take months of practice for him to condition himself to get aroused by non-image/fantasy based sexual stimuli again.

Thank you!

Note: This will have A TON of generalizations about male and female sexuality. So, there are (of course) going to be many exceptions to the rule. As a woman, I need emotional excitement and sexual tension in order to get turned on. Otherwise, sex is just a chore that I do for my husband. The promise of pleasure or orgasm isn't enough to get me there, because this isn't the main reason I have sex. It's nice to have orgasms, but it really isn't that much of a motivator. I have sex primarily to feel close to my partner and to experience strong erotic emotions. It is my guess that many women operate in this way. I think that a lot of times, female sexuality gets understood in the shadow of male sexuality which is very linear and very easy to operate. For men, it's about getting to orgasm because that's what's biologically necessary to make a baby. There are no complex emotional riddles to solve... just lather, rinse, repeat. But female sexuality doesn't really work this way. It's less linear and has less to do with achieving orgasm and more to do with abiding in a cocktail of erotic emotions and full body pleasurable sensations. So, the pleasure is more diffuse than targeted. So, if sex gets approached in the "let's get to orgasm" mode of thought, it will be at least okay for the man. He will at least have his bare minimum needs met, even if it isn't extremely great. The phrase "Sex is like pizza. Even bad pizza is still pizza." was probably said by a man for this reason. Orgasm for a man equals fulfillment, and is pretty much a given barring an interruption. But a woman needs more than orgasm to motivate her to have sex and to fulfill her sexual needs. The thing that gets me going the most in that erotic mode is feeling like my partner desires me and to see it in the way that he acts toward me. I want to feel like his desire for me (and not just his desire for orgasm) turns him into an animal that just can't control himself. If I feel taken for granted or under appreciated, sex becomes just a mechanical thing that I do to help my partner release. Then I feel bored with the whole scenario, and just don't want to expend the energy. There was a saying that I'll paraphrase on a new age video that I was watching about chakras, and it makes sense. A man penetrates the woman below the waist. A woman penetrates the man's mind with her own mind. This is why horny women are always asking men "What are you thinking about?" It turns a woman on to know that she's gotten inside of a man's head and to know his thoughts.

My two experiences of ego transcendence were catalyzed through use of Ayahuasca. I was able to see my identity as an illusion and lost all fear, even of death. But they were temporary experiences, so being exposed to higher levels of consciousness before I was ready was very foolish and I made a lot of big life changing decisions in the aftermath, that could certainly be called mistakes. But the DMT allowed me to experience deeper levels of consciousness for sure.