Emerald

How long did it take her to make a decision? Choosing which bench to sit on should be a simple and quick decision, even if she's a slow decision maker or indecisive in other areas of life. If she can't make that kind of decision, then it's likely that she has dealt with having to walk on eggshells in her life with people that she's been around. So, she might be trying to avoid annoying you or making you angry by making the "wrong" decision. So, she may be used to yielding to the other person or people by default to avoid confrontation. Or, in a less likely scenario, she may have some issue with her pre-frontal cortex. People who have a problem in this region of the brain, literally will be unable to make decisions even in the most simple of situations. Now, with regard to the not knowing which clothing to wear, she may just really want to know what makes you tick. This is a feminine tendency that can generally be noticed. For me, if I ask a guy what I should wear, I want him to really like it and know that it gets him going. It's not that I can't make the decision on my own. It's simply that I want to know what he thinks because it's exciting to me to know what's going on in my partner's mind. Maybe this tendency could trickle over into the bench thing, where she wants to know what decision that you're going to make and to feel like you're giving her an experience of your choosing. But I doubt it with regard to this decision because it's so small and arbitrary. It seems like, if she can't choose where to sit, there may be something else going on regarding her past experiences.

Think of it in the sense that you're allowing everything. So, reintegration is the natural flow of the mind from the unconscious mind to the conscious mind. So, without resistance, repressed aspects of the self will naturally buoy up from the unconscious mind to the conscious mind, thus expanding your awareness and allowing those aspects to integrate. Just like a buoy that isn't weighed down will naturally rise to the surface of the water. And just like water and gas will naturally fill any space that isn't obstructed. So, doing nothing will allow for all content to come up from the subconscious as there is no resistance.

The night before last, I woke up with sleep paralysis and from that state fell asleep into a lucid dream. Realizing that I was dreaming, I decided to experiment with self-inquiry during the dream state since the nature of being is ever-present. So, perhaps the breakthrough of enlightenment could be possible to have even in mid-sleep or it could at least give me insight as to what the dream experience shares in common with waking experience relative to being. So, I started asking myself "What's perceiving this?" Things got a little wavy and strange, but no Earth-shattering breakthroughs. But I do find it an interesting thing to experiment with because it seems like it could possibly work, and perhaps the fuzziness of the dream-state might allow for greater open-ness and receptivity. Just sharing... any thoughts?

If you have a dehydrator, you can make dried fruit without any chemicals and without losing nutrients. But the thing to watch out for is overeating on calories. Because the water is taken out of the fruit, it's quicker to eat larger amounts of calories and natural sugars. With the water, it tends to fill you up more, so you don't eat as much. And it's also hydrating. So, regular fruit is definitely a healthier option. However, there's nothing wrong with dried fruit if you've dehydrated it yourself and you don't over-eat.

It may have been a Kundalini movement or an energetic experience in general. Several times during sleep paralysis and one time after Kundalini meditation while I was sleeping, I've gotten bursts of energy running up and my spine. The last one, felt just like electricity violently moving up my spine.

I think you put it well, when you say that you're not attracted to healthiness. So, you must create psychological health in yourself to attract and be attracted to psychologically healthy women. So, it's a matter of doing deep inner work.

The main thing is to devote your time to raising your awareness of all of your internal happenings so that you can untie yourself from the illusion of SELF-improvement. Any sense of improvement to the SELF, is just a thought process that you're believing in. It's not actually real. Value in itself is arbitrarily assigned. So, there is no way to add value to the self in any real way. And the self is also just a collection of thoughts when you look carefully. I think Adyashanti is the one that calls this "feeding the hungry ghost." When you can see this clearly, the inner drill sergeant will lose its power and function, and you will hear the voice of wisdom which will guide you in whichever direction that you really want to go in. It's just that the inner drill sergeant is much louder than the voice of wisdom. So, you can't hear it anymore. And you have no idea what you would do if that inner drill sergeant stopped ordering you around. But the whole process of the drill sergeant phenomenon is a form of violence against the self. So, it causes a lot of suffering... some that you may not even be aware of yet. So, my recommendation is to set yourself up some basic routines for health, wellness, and work. Keep it very simple. But only do this for functional purposes. Don't do it with the mindset, "I'm going to improve myself." Just do these things mindfully because they're good for you, not because they make you good. I believe that this is why (aside from using them for meditation) monks keep routines and practice discipline. Since they are devoting their time to awareness and being, they must install routines of "doing" to make sure that the practical tasks of life don't fall at the waist-side. But they are ideally not using this to add value to themselves or trying to redeem themselves. It's just what must be done. It's as the saying goes: "Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water." Now, you will fail at first at keeping the "self-improvement" mindset at bay, while you do the basic routines. You will want to size up your growth, because that's what you're used to using for motivation purposes. You've forgotten how to motivate yourself without a whip and carrot. But just become aware of this internal process, and the hamster-wheel-like nature of it. And eventually, with enough awareness, the drill sergeant will lose its power over you because you are no longer under the illusion that you need him to motivate you toward self-improvement and redemption. There is a saying that goes something like, "Thoughts are like paper tigers. They look scary and powerful... but if you don't feed them with your attention, they die." So, if you watch the thought process without buying into the thoughts, you will see how it works and what motivates it and it will let go of you eventually.

@Santiago I read both of your posts. And regarding the 'stories' aspect of what I posted, I think that the story you're attached to is the story of redemption. It seem that there is an inner drill sergeant inside of you that demands a lot of effort and achievement to compensate for a perceived lack of worth. So, when you fear that you'll never be successful and continue to fight your own success through life, the reason why this is is because your inner drill sergeant is fighting it out with the subconscious aspect of yourself that just wants you to accept what is. It would seem as though the answer is to continue with trying to redeem yourself through adding value and fixing yourself. So, you keep trying to force yourself to go in that direction. Then, you lose strength because you've been fighting yourself and you end up distracting yourself with other behaviors to medicate against the struggle and feeling of failure. So, my recommendation is to try to honor that part of yourself that resists and truly allow yourself to just be for a while. And then watch your inner drill sergeant mindfully to see how it works. You'll probably notice lots of feelings of guilt and critical thoughts will pop up. And it's important to let the inner drill sergeant know that you can never really add value to yourself or take it away. Redemption can't happen through becoming better at this or that thing. Redemption can only happen through becoming aware that no redemption is necessary. Also, I recommend trying to refrain from "figuring out" anything too. Because this is an improvement project too, after a while. You have to really just allow yourself to be. I hope this is helpful.

@Santiago I have dealt with chronic shame since childhood too, and I'm still not completely out of the woods with it. I have a lot of social-based shame from being ostracized from my peers. And there were a few events that I have a hard time thinking about because I feel so ashamed of them... though I do consciously forgive myself for them since I was a child trying to make sense out of certain traumatic events in my life. But I can relate to every thought process that you mentioned above. So, you're not alone. In fact, I know that one of my main motivators toward self-improvement are wholly based in an attempt to redeem myself and mitigate those feelings of shame that still linger. I think shame is still my biggest attachment and it infects every area of my life. But I have also experienced ego transcendence before, and when this happened all those problems just went away in a split-second and I was whole again. And I fully realized that my existence was so unshakeably valid that nothing could ever change that. And I really loved myself unconditionally. I didn't need to prove my worth to myself because worth wasn't even real. There was no way to improve on what is because it is already perfect and I am part of that perfection. And because I saw myself in that light, all the parts of myself that I had repressed away for years came bubbling up to the surface of my consciousness. And those parts of myself were finally conscious of the love. I really loved even traits that I hated prior. I was capable of unconditional love only then. So, the reason why you feel the shame is likely because you have parts of yourself that you have repressed away and likely forgotten about. And these traits contain parts of your consciousness that you don't have access to because they have been made unconscious, in your attempt to avoid trauma or unpleasant emotions. So, these traits (as aspects of your own consciousness) desperately want reintegration into your conscious awareness. So, they are relegated to the shadow because you are not able to love them unconditionally. You have a desire to be acceptable by some standard or another, so those traits are a threat to the self-image that you think will bring you up out of your feelings of shame and self-hatred. So, those parts of you feel hated and ashamed. And those aspects of yourself grieve from loss of love, and those emotions still trickle through from the unconscious. So, it leaves you with a feeling of "I feel ashamed... but I don't know why." So, Shadow Work or any other type of re-inegration work will be of help for this. But you especially want to look at areas that you're rigid about and feel uncomfortable changing your opinion about. For example, in my case, I have a hard time letting go of the idea that physical appearance is the main component of my worth as a person. And that I can find fulfillment when I have the ideal level of physical attractiveness. And that if I'm not physically attractive, then I can never be fulfilled. Now, I was always taught by my parents that my worth lay in my intelligence and level of goodness. (This is not true either), But still I have this identification even still. But I only care about this in regard to myself. I feel like I need to be physically attractive but that everyone else is sufficient whichever way that they look. But I still think it will mitigate my shame and I will feel love by embodying physical attractiveness. So, I could just let go of this hang-up and I know that reintegration would occur in lieu of it. But I still want so much from my looks and have many stories and dreams that I want to happen to me as a result. So, there's an attachment that I don't know how to let go of because so much of my self structure has been built around it and has been since early childhood. So, I have a lot of work to do on this aspect of myself. So, I recommend finding the stories that you've created about yourself that you still want something from. Then find out what you want from the stories. And then work on reintegrating the traits that you believe would stand in the way of those stories coming true and the desire/need being met. Also, try to find another way to meet the need too.

How long ago did you visit Costa Rica, and did you enjoy it?

I understand the thought process but it's a bit unhelpful for really understanding the way that the world actually works and being able to understand where people are coming from. There is nothing wrong with saying "I am a black man" if you are indeed a man who is black. That's a true statement and it makes sense in the context of the post that he would draw upon his experiences as a black man. The fact of the matter is that race exists and even if we don't like that it exists and think we should completely ignore it because it makes us uncomfortable, it still effects the way a person is treated and seen. So, being of a particular race, comes along with particular projections from society and certain experiences that people of other races are not privy to. So, the "all one race" rhetoric is very sunshine and rainbows thinking that tends to comfort people who aren't actively dealing with the problems of being a particular race. Now, I'm all for dis-identification and detachment from all labels. However, pretending that race doesn't exist just isn't helpful. And if I say "I am a white woman." That statement is simply a factual statement that gives context to others about my life. So, this let's people know that my racial experience will be that of a white woman.... so like avocados and uggs and stuff like that.

I'm all for looking at all sides of beliefs for the sake of seeing what makes them tick. And this includes ones that could lead to negative outcomes for myself. For example, I've questioned why societies have been patriarchal in the past and whether it's "natural" for male dominance. And these types of questions are an actual potential threat to me and my current worldview as if they were actually true it would have major negative consequences on all aspects of my life. And some of my biggest insights have come from looking at what's threatening to me and have seen patterns of human growth that I wouldn't otherwise have seen, just in asking those scary questions and really examining things. So, looking at these types of beliefs will help you get a clearer picture. However, when it comes to examining an unpopular old-world belief (that shares ties to eugenics) that doesn't really effect you personally, it is honestly just getting your kicks from playing devil's advocate with the ghosts of the past. And a lot of people who fancy themselves as "intellectual" are doing this, and the potential for opening up Pandora's Box is great. So, it very well CAN hurt. Not just emotionally on the individual level, but on a mass scale if there are enough people who start to play this seemingly lighthearted game of devil's advocate. An idea with enough momentum can really cause harm. And devil's advocate games are always safe and removed from the situation and done by people who haven't truly experienced the realities of the situation. As SFRL said before, it's just looking at a cartoon image of the reality. You get to look at a situation from afar in comfy armchair and make your postulations and judgments that will never really have any effect on your life. You're not a black person having to make sense out of why the murder statistics fall the way that they do. Or actively dealing with the amount of projections that comes from people in society who see them as synonymous with violent criminals because of this statistic. So, it will be simple for you to come up with a simple answer. If you want to really be aware, then I recommend getting to know more black people in life and witnessing firsthand that black people are just as diverse in their character and disposition as white people. Notice any tendency to want to project over the entirety of a race because you just don't have a lot of example of people you know intimately from that race. That's why minorities in a society are easier to project out onto, because in lieu of having many interactions the majority group can cleave to statistics and stereotypes to concoct a really distorted and two dimensional caricature of reality. And if you want to be really aware of why there's a higher percentage of black people committing violent crimes, then you should get to know some black inmates who are in for violent crime. There is a program called "Prison Pen Pals" where you can anonymously correspond with people who are in prison because many of them don't have family and friends who write to them. My friend Julia did it, and she showed me some of the letters, and it was really interesting. You might be able to glean some insights from that.

I've noticed a very strong correlation between home life and behavior issues. But even that sometimes isn't the case. I've had a few students dealing with really messed up things who are really well behaved and just really awesome people. But that speaks to their personal character and resilience. Most students with a bad home-life never really had a chance and develop really negative coping mechanisms that effect their behavior and their life in detrimental ways. It also wouldn't make sense to me that human beings from different regions of the world would be that different, because race is an evolutionary factor that changes in relatively few generations, evolutionarily speaking. I remember that when I was a freshman in college and taking my gen. eds., I was required to take a biology class. And I remember the professor had us read an article about how race occurs based mostly on the level of vitamin D that a person needs and the level of sun protection a person needs. So, it was posited that white people are white because white skin is more susceptible to the sun's rays. So, during the cold winters, it would be easier for white people to get their vitamin D requirements met more easily because sunlight is where we get vitamin D. And people with darker skin color, live in places where the sun shines year-round or most of the year. So, it's easy to get the necessary vitamin D from the sun. But extra sun protection is needed, which more melanin helps with. And it was said in the article that in a particular ethnic group, through natural selection the race of that group would change over the course of about 150 generations, if that group relocated to a different location where there was more or less sunlight. And this would happen without having children with people of a different race. It is unfortunate that people project so much onto other people. And the internet, with its anonymity, makes it really clear that there are a lot of people with distorted viewpoints about race and other demographic factors. I grew up sort of naive, believing that these mindsets were gone. But it's really yucky to see how many people are ready to jump on the philosophies of old and play devil's advocate with them. I see a lot of pseudo-intellectuals do this, where they think that they're being deep thinkers. As a woman, I experience a lot of guys who will do the same thing to women where they'll start thinking about what's "natural" and it will basically be like a big explanation as to why men are superior to women. And it's the same thing that I saw a couple people do on this thread but with black people instead of women. So, they brought up that black people commit half of all murders (which I attribute to gang violence in bad neighborhoods and as a purely environmental phenomenon). And I read this air of "black people are more violent, therefore they are inferior to white people. Thus white dominance is justified." Sort of a saying it without directly saying it. Yet I'm sure if you brought up that men commit 90% of all murders (which is a real statistic), then using the idea of "male predisposition toward violence" would suddenly transform this predisposition to violence into a strength and be the reason why men are more dominant and thus meant to lead society and have more power than women... because "it's natural." And all this makes me wonder, why it's so important to some people that their race or gender is the superior one. Is it just mediocrity... like "Well I don't have anything special about me and no special skills... but at least I'm white!" Or is it something else.

I don't think this is true. It's not because your theory is completely implausible or anything. Ancestors living in different environments, will likely have somewhat different adaptations. But I don't believe it's true because I spend a lot of time around children of various ethnic backgrounds. And they range in age from ages 3 to 18. And I don't stay in the same schools. I go to the schools in the higher income parts of town as well as in the lower income parts of town. What you quickly notice is that students from the same schools tend to have similar predispositions toward misbehavior and violence. But you won't find a correlation when it comes to race by itself as a factor. But you'll find that schools that are lower income schools (which because they're lower income have a higher percentage of non-white students) are also rougher on the behavior scale. I know if I go to the school in the poor neighborhood, I'm going to get tested more by students of all races from about third grade onward. And they deal with very rough situations. This one little white girl on my first day of work five years ago, was telling me that her dad just got sent to prison and wouldn't get out until she's 15. One mentally challenged girl that I taught was being sold by her mother to various men. Another group of sibling's mother killed their father. One girl (white) was molested by her uncle who took her on a high speed chase and shot her. And there are just miserable situations going on... and this causes behavior issues because there is so much pain to be coped with. But if you go into a class with three and four year olds, there is literally no difference between kids of various races. They haven't even been socialized to attribute meaning to race yet. So, they all have the same sense of wonderment about things. The only students who tend to have real behavior issues at that point have them because they have a really traumatic home-life or they have some kind of emotional/behavioral issue. So, my recommendations is to not spend too much time theorizing about various generalizations regarding race or any other demographic factor. It clouds the judgment when it comes to dealings with people and it lays a pretty heavy trip on black people. Spend some time around real people.

Oatmeal is always gluten-free. Only products that contain wheat have gluten, and oatmeal doesn't have wheat... just oats. The reason why gluten-free is written on the box is because of marketing reasons. People will think that they're getting something special, when they're just getting the usual oatmeal, which is naturally gluten-free.

I work with children at various schools. So, the standards are very strict for personal behavior. Things that would be acceptable at other professions are not acceptable in that one. This is why I tend not to cover very taboo kind of topics on my channel.

I do have a job. But I don't tell my work about it. I'm sure I could get fired if someone found out and complained because of the nature of my job and the fact I've referred a few times to entheogen use throughout my videos. But I don't work at one set location. I go to different locations for my work. So, it' unlikely that I'll be at a place frequently enough to really be known and looked up. But I eventually want to be able to make my living off of my channel and related work. So, it' a risk that I have to take. But I wouldn't worry too much about it if were you. If you type your name into Google and your blog isn't the first thing to come up, then the chances they'll find out are slim. Also, the chances that they'll read your blog is slim. Unfortunately, because my name is very uncommon, if my work ever Googles me, they'll find my videos as one of the top Google search listings. And even though most of them are quite innocuous, the standards are strict enough that they may just opt to let me go. Some people have been let go of for just having a picture of themselves on FB sitting next to a glass of wine. So, it's a risk that I'm taking. But I wouldn't worry if I was you. But I also wouldn't tell anyone about your blog.

If you look at the masculine and feminine principle, giving is actually part of masculinity... not femininity. So, don't overthink things that women will see your giving-nature as weak. Women are really attracted to men who are generous. And I don't mean just with money. I mean generous with their time, energy, encouragement, affection, attention, and resources. The main thing is not to take what you have too seriously and hold things to yourself for fear of her getting one-up on you or fear of seeming weak. This type of ungenerous spirit, comes off as stingy and petty and is a sign of insecurity. And it makes a man seem like a boy. My father has always embodied a kind of generous and warm-hearted spirit, where he doesn't take anything that he has that seriously. So, he can share freely in a very jovial and detached kind of way. And it's a very masculine kind of trait that adds to the rest of his personality which is masculine. To give you an image to relate him to, the Marlboro Man has always reminded me of my dad. And he's also a mechanic, who's been working on cars since he was ten years old. And I remember back when I was ten years old in Sam's club, and my Dad was showing me how strong his grip was by squeezing an industrial scale that went up to like 1000 lbs. And with just his fingertips, he was able to exert hundreds of pounds of pressure. So, he's definitely not someone who is feminine, nor would he be seen as a weak man. But he's a giver. He'd give you the shirt right off his back if you needed it. And he doesn't really care what anyone thinks about his generosity. And these traits, in themselves read as very masculine traits. And more importantly, they're very admirable traits. So, the main thing is just to put concern of women thinking this way or that way about you to the side, and just embrace your giving nature toward life in general. It's a really excellent trait to integrate into your personality regardless of your gender. When you overthink, and think "Should I hold this back so that she doesn't think I'm weak?" then you want to remind yourself that you're not doing it for her. You're doing it to become a better quality person first. Then, as you become better and more authentic, more people will be attracted to you and enjoy your presence. And women will take notice of this too. And you'll always attract women who mirror your own issues. So, the way to attract a woman who is going to accept you, is to accept yourself. Because women who are really interested in you don't care about what particular traits that you have. They care about you as a whole person and how the experience of "you" makes them feel.

I was going to bring up the doll test and the implicit bias test, but someone beat me to it. But I think what you're going through is similar in some respects to what I experienced as a woman in relation to being seen as the modifier on a person. So, white men are the only default people, and everyone else is seen as a modifier upon that default. So, if I say, "A person walked into the gas station." most people are going to automatically imagine a young/middle aged white man. Then everyone else is a type of person that you have to specify. Or if it's a woman, you have to specify that they're a woman because we're not conditioned to equate the term woman with person. But we are conditioned to equate the term man with the word person. So, for men it's: Person (White young/middle aged male) Black person Asian person (fill in the blank ethnicity) person old person (white old man... sometimes white old women) etc. For women it's: Woman (White young female) Black woman Asian woman etc. So, there's a subtle brain washing that happens with our white defaultism that makes white people and men more relatable, as they are seen as the "every-man." This is also propped up by the language that we use, the media, and folkways of understanding things. So, this whole thing effects everyone's psyche on a subtle level, to where anyone who isn't a white male has to identify with whiteness and maleness in order to be able to function and relate to various things in society. For example, I was always very masculine identified, and I could get into thought processes where I would actually confuse my gender for a moment. So, I'd be thinking about something that puzzled me and then I would think, "Maybe I could relate back to this more if I was female." Then I would realize, "OHHH! I AM female!!" So, that might be why you feel more of an identification with white children. But I'm sure that this would go away when you actually have children. Right now, you just have a placeholder idea of a child in your mind. So, your sub-conscious is just projecting your idea of white children and black children, which is infected by social conditioning. But when you experience your child, all of your ideas and projections have to fall away because children are all so unique and really are all little complex people. This tends to get glossed over by people who haven't had children yet. So, I would definitely keep examining yourself for these types of biases. But I'm sure that you will have very positive feelings toward your children, no matter what their race is.

No. Even when a woman is pregnant only small dots of clear yellowish colored colostrum come out. And the first few days, when the baby is newborn, they only drink the small amounts of colostrum every few hours (around the clock) because their stomach is so small that it can only candle a half an ounce of fluid. So, the colostrum is packed with tons of extra nutrients to meet their needs. But after a few days to a week the actual milk comes in. Then it lasts for as long as the baby nurses on a supply and demand basis. So, the more the baby nurses, the more milk is produced. The less the baby nurses, the less milk is produced. Then, it takes about two weeks after weening for milk production to stop completely. Source: Over five years of daily nursing between both of my children. So, I'm a professional human moo cow.

A big first step is to sell or give away all your games and systems. Think about how difficult it would be for a heroine addict to quit, if they had heroine in their house readily available to them. It's too much to expect from your will-power muscles to refrain if relapsing is so convenient. You're automatically set up for failure. So, remove all the games and systems from your home to set yourself up for success.

The type of racism that you're talking about comes in the form of judgement. So, racist judgments are just as difficult to let go of as any other tendency toward judgment. Awareness and consciousness work can help, as well as extreme self-honesty. But judgments are subtle and can be difficult to get rid of, because we don't want to see ourselves as bad people. So, it's our natural tendency to try to look at ourselves through rose-colored glasses. But overall, it's much more productive to see racism as a system than as certain actions or judgments. So, if you really want to help solve the problem of racism then you can ask yourself, do my judgments and actions preserve, add to, or do nothing to (and thus preserve) the system that disenfranchises people of color? Or am I taking actions that actively dismantle that system? I think people who are well-intentioned who see racism as something someone does or doesn't do or thinks or doesn't think, can lead to a false contentment with the situation that the racist system sets up. It's like "Well, I'm not racist, so that's all I can really do. But shame on those evil racists." Or there's an over-simplification of understanding relative to the system which produces sentiments like, "There are people that hate white people too, therefore racism is an equal playing field where BAD people of both sides hate on one another... but not us GOOD people. We're awesome. (pats their own back)" But these are fundamental misunderstandings of how that system works... as the power structures are uneven in the favor of white people. So, it would be like if white people are armed with rifles and people of color are armed with sling-shots. Certainly, there are probably people of color who are using their sling shots against white people because there's bound to be people on both sides who hate each other. And of course this isn't a good thing. And certainly, a lot of people on both sides would never even consider using their weapons. But to see the playing field as equal just because there are BAD racist people on both sides in contrast to the GOOD non-racist people who don't use their weapons, is just a major oversight relative to the power structures that be. Turning it into a good people versus bad people issue misses the point and blots out the deeper truths of the situation. So sure, it hurts to be a white person who gets shot with a sling shot. But it's devastating to be a person of color who gets shot with a rifle. So, racism isn't so much about hurt feelings but about power structures that effect people's lives every day. But as you said, the tendency toward judgment can be difficult to let go of, plus it's easy for a person to lie to themselves about. But more-so, if the concern stems past the ego and wanting to be free of the label "racist" and being able to feel better about yourself because you feel free of that label, then you'll want to examine the system of racism carefully and dismantle it wherever you can. Because it doesn't really matter that much within the grand scheme of the racist system, if you as an individual thinks this or that. And it doesn't matter if you can think of yourself as a GOOD person. That's just an ego concern. What matters is this: Is the system of racism, which causes so many issues for people of color and society at large, actively being dismantled?

Caressing the breasts lightly feels about as good as caressing the inner thighs or the side of the waist. When done properly, it can give the receiver goosebumps and increase arousal. That should give you a feel for how it feels if you're familiar with the sensation on yourself. The female nipple isn't as sensitive as the male nipple because the nerve endings are more spread out. I remember as a child, the sensation was much more intense, but as I went through puberty and I developed breasts the sensation faded to something much less intense. I think it's because the sensitivity wouldn't be very good for nursing... even though the pressure from nursing isn't directly on the nipple but on the areola. But it's still relatively sensitive compared to other part of the body. The whole breast is definitely an erogenous zone. So, light caresses feel really good in every erogenous zone. However, IMO squeezing the breasts either feels neutral and boring or it hurts if the breasts happen to be sensitive, as often happens during the period and especially during pregnancy. Plus, it's sometimes pretty awkward and can feel too blunt and jarring to the romantic moment. Generally speaking, it's a good idea to build up gradually and consistently and not do anything that could knock her out of the mood. So, my recommendation is to steer clear of squeezing them. However, you can look up erotic massage and there are probably techniques for caressing the breasts using more pressure. But those usually require larger sweeping motions that are specifically designed to be worked into a full body massage.

@Lynnel You're welcome and thank you! Misogyny and other gender-related issues are very complex issues that seem very simple on the surface level. So, most people treat them as such and cannot figure out how to untangle themselves from issues on the individual level or untangle humanity from negative patterns on the macro level. So, there's a lot of pain and frustration. But the surface level phenomena are really just symptoms or reactionary symptoms that stems from the deeper issue of the imbalance between Yin and Yang in our current level of awareness as humans. Best of luck in liberating yourself from all that weighs you down.

I think that you over-thought the situation a bit and had too many preconceived notions from pick up. First off, if a girl says hi to you, it doesn't necessarily mean that she's hitting on you. So, there's a bit of jumping the gun there. But if we assume that she is interested in you, then we can look at how your knowledge of pick-up has clouded your interaction. First off, when someone says hi to you, it comes off as rude to intentionally ignore them. An appropriate response is to say hello back, just like you would with any other person. You seem to have this notion that women are consciously sizing up men for their confidence levels. But most of that happens on an unconscious and intuitive level. If you stopped to talk to her for a moment, this would not have come off as desperate. It would just be normal. She wouldn't be in her mind like, "he stopped to talk, how desperate." Given that we assume that she's interested in you, she probably had a curiosity about you. So, she's not going to be in scrutiny-mode. She just wants your attention and whatever excitement that might bring. As long as you come off as normal in your conversation and don't seem abnormal by saying inappropriate or immature things, then you're probably not going to garner any judgment. Also, it seems like you're sizing up her "game", so to speak. But you have to understand that women generally don't approach men and are discouraged from doing so. So, if we see a guy that we like, we don't have too many tools to rely upon that we can get a guy's attention that doesn't get read as desperate or slutty. So, women are often overlooked by men they're interested in, and instead get approached by men we're not interested in. So, if she was interested in you, then she's probably just a bit more outgoing and iconoclastic but doesn't have fancy methods for getting guy's attention. She may not even know that it is often read as desperate if she's young and fairly inexperienced in dating and a firm believer in equality. So, her knowledge of "game" and your paradigm is either limited or non-existent. The number one thing that you have to realize is that, from a woman's perspective, they generally feel just as uncomfortable if not more uncomfortable to express interest and attraction to a guy. It never feels like a sure thing. And women also have a fear of rejection. So, it isn't as though women feel comfortable in those situations, while men are uncomfortable. The discomfort is mutual.