Emerald

First off, a person who is attractive and just wants an attractive partner could also be a beauty glutton. I worked with a perfect 10 of a guy who's wealthy and attractive... but he was still a beauty glutton as he couldn't appreciate in a woman that which wasn't ideal beauty-wise and otherwise. To clarify what I mean, there was always this sense that the grass is greener elsewhere. But it's really a guy with a conquest mindset about women and beauty, where he's always trying to get the most beautiful woman he can get... and often focuses towards expanding towards an abundance of ideal-looking women. Contrast this with a guy who meets a woman he happens to find attractive and then sparks up a genuine human-to-human connection with that woman. It's essentially the maximizers versus the satisficers... where beauty gluttons are maximizers that are always trying to expand and expand towards more and more ideal options. And he thinks about women only in relation to physical beauty and neglects the emotional connection element. And he will not want to contract his options. He will want to continue conquesting and expanding his beauty options. For him, the way he thinks about dating is "I'm going to go try to attract a 10"... as opposed to "I'm going to meet a woman that I find attractive and see if there's chemistry and connection." And this kind of man is on a mission towards maximization of perfection and idealism in his life because he can only recognize beauty in the perfect and ideal... which creates a beauty starvation in him, since he can only see beauty in its most obvious forms. So, he is not one that's able to recognize the beauty of that which is imperfect. So, he chases ideals non-stop because of his starvation for beauty, as he needs to seek relationship with beautiful women to even sense beauty at all. He is one that is not able to sacrifice his image of the ideal woman for relationship with a real woman. And all women are imperfect and have the disgust factor associated with being a human being with a human body.

That's precisely why I recommend to women to sort beauty gluttons from consideration. They're not longterm husband material. Men who are overly focused on a woman's physical attractiveness won't be able to find beauty in her as she ages. And one woman will never be enough for him, because he is a devourer of beauty. He will not see her as his beautiful wife that he loves and adores. He will only see her as a crusty old grandma that he tolerates for company while pining for 25-year old women at the age of 70. And life for the woman will be fighting against the inevitability of time removing her lovability in the eyes of the beauty glutton old man... and knowing she's only loved and adored for an archetype that she only inhabits for 10-20 years of her life. And she will get no romantic or sexual satisfaction from a man who can only appreciate the springtime of a woman on the most beautiful days... but cannot find beauty in the winter. It's like being a fine wine that cannot be appreciated by those who only have the palate to appreciate grape juice. The fact of the matter is that beauty gluttons cannot appreciate the beauty of the maiden, mother, and crone. So, he is an unwise partner to procreate with as he cannot appreciate the beauty of a woman (as the woman is always maiden, mother, and crown all at once)... as a woman is only a maiden for a short time. If you reject the crone, you reject the maiden... and the maiden will reject you.

Honestly, it's pretty easy to sort out beauty gluttons as there are many tells that come through in their vibe and the way they carry themselves... as well as the way they relate to your physical appearance as a woman. You can immediately tell when a guy is really into you or just scrounging around for a beauty conquest. It's not something that most women have to over-focus on to sort out. It's just a discordant vibe that doesn't feel very good. Most women are unattracted to this vibe. But for women who are used to being objectified and mistreated, they can develop some blindspots to this type of guy. And the familiarity of it can attract them.

That's not what I'm saying at all. Beautiful people are rare, and it is totally fine to appreciate the beauty of beautiful people. In fact, it's the most common thing in the world to appreciate the beauty of beautiful people. Every man, woman, and child naturally does appreciate the appearances of beautiful people. And it isn't about virtue at all. I'm not making a moral argument. It's about what it truly means to be an appreciator of beauty in the sublime sense. And it's not necessarily less virtuous to fail to appreciate beauty in the sublime sense. But to frame appreciating the looks of beautiful women as somehow about having a sophisticated or refined taste and as "being an appreciator of beauty" is just silly, as it pretends towards having a connoisseur's palate and to pass one's self off as having refined and uncommon taste... when finding attractive women attractive is the most common taste in the world. The appearance of a beautiful woman is literally the most popular flavor of appearance in the entire human species. And true refinement of taste and appreciation of beauty requires one to acquire tastes for more challenging flavors of experience (beyond human iterations of beauty). And enjoying the looks of beautiful women is as easy as enjoying a delicious crowd-pleasing dessert. But if a man has no appreciation for beauty outside of the most attractive women, it's a sign that he has a dulled palate for beauty and won't be able to find beauty in any other place but a beautiful woman. (To be clear, it's not that people with refined palates for beauty don't find beautiful people beautiful. But they can find sources of beauty everywhere.) And if a man who only appreciates the beauty of the most beautiful women, he probably won't be a good longterm partner. And that's because, even the most beautiful women all eventually look like little old ladies. So, it's important to find a man who can recognize beauty beyond its most obvious forms, and to sort beauty gluttons from consideration. That's especially true for very beautiful women.

@Joshe Regarding what you mentioned above about positioning 'only being attracted to 9s and 10s' as "appreciating beauty" as though it's a sophisticated thing that signals some kind of exceptionality of the guy claiming that... First off, you're 100% correct. That's exactly what gets communicated. But this notion that the other poster said about "appreciating beauty", is actually the opposite of what sophistication is... and the opposite of being an appreciator of beauty. Sophistication means developing a rarer ability for appreciating beauty and enjoyment in contexts that less mature palates can't detect. So sophistication of taste requires acquiring a taste for disgust... and requires a challenge to find a deeper expression of beauty within that disgust. And the way that the Yin and Yang of things works is that the most beautiful of all things can only be found in disgust as "the diamond in the rough." Consider how, when we're babies, we only have a natural taste for sweet flavors. In fact, breast milk tastes almost exactly like the milk that's left over after you eat Fruit Loops... uncannily so. And all else that isn't sweet tastes like poison to babies and small children... and brings up disgust. So, the child's palate must be trained to mature to appreciate more "disgusting" tastes like bitter, sour, savory, salty, spicy, etc. And most of us eventually acquire these tastes, and we find the deliciousness in what we once were disgusted by... not even recognizing that it's the disgustingness of these flavors that make foods delicious. Then, an even more refined adult who has trained their palate to appreciate even more disgust can appreciate great wine and pick up on all the subtle notes. So, the more disgust a person can appreciate and find beauty and deliciousness in, the more refined their tastes are. And they are able to appreciate beauty and deliciousness on a more sublime level, beyond those who can only appreciate pure sweetness. And if we bring this into the topic of physical beauty. Let's say that the most beautiful woman in the world is like near-perfect sweetness. A beautiful woman's appearance is easy to appreciate for men, women, and children alike. But this enjoyment of beauty on this most obvious level is not challenging... and doesn't go very deep. One must refine their palate to appreciate the disgusting elements of the human body (and the world at large) to truly realize a deeper and more sublime realization of beauty. Think of it like an artist that finds beauty in painting a portrait of an old person with all sorts of interesting lines and wrinkles on their faces. Or a person who can visit a barren wasteland and find beauty. Or a musician that can find a greater realization of beauty in their music through incorporating some discordant notes into a song. That's the mark of a true sophisticate who really appreciates beauty. But finding a beautiful woman beautiful and saying "I'm only interested in 10s" and that they can't find beauty in an average woman is admitting that they haven't acquired enough of an appreciation for disgust to truly recognize and appreciate the beauty of a woman... or anything at all. And even the actual beauty of the 10 will go un-noticed. That's why I recommend for women to sort men from consideration who can't appreciate or understand beauty beyond its most obvious forms. What they believe is an appreciation for beauty... is actually indicative of a near-blindness to beauty.

Yeah, the mindset of guys who are very focused on searching out the most physically attractive woman, is not conducive to a feel good relationship for either partner. That's why I recommend watching out for tells that a guy is too focused on the physical element of attraction and to sort them from consideration. Men who are overly focused on looks are like devourers of beauty... and are not capable of actually appreciating beauty beyond the most obvious expressions of it. They really just see beauty as pure functional utility and nothing more than that, which prevents them from truly appreciating or understanding beauty. And it's genuinely dangerous for women of all levels of attractiveness to get into relationships with these guys. For a very attractive woman, these beauty gluttons won't really care about her and will just use her and eventually leave her for a younger hotter model. (And when you're attractive as a woman, you just get tons of spam attention from these kinds of guys. So, the more attractive a woman is, the more it behooves her to get really good at identifying and sorting these guys from consideration.) And for women who are average or unattractive, beauty gluttons won't value these women at all, as people. But they will settle for these women when the more attractive women reject them, and they're lonely. And these guys will resent the average women for not being up to their standards. Mind you, most beauty gluttons are not attractive or successful themselves. They're usually average or below-average looking guys with high looks standards for women. And many of them are just looking for a validation of their own worthiness via interpreting sexual validation from a woman as synonymous with their own worthiness as a human. So, the latter dynamic can happen between a woman who's a 6 and a beauty glutton who's a 4 will get into a relationship... and the 4 will resent the 6 for not being a 10. But even if this 4 were to get a 10, the 10 still wouldn't be enough... because it's about variety and conquest for more beauty consumption. And similar to how a man might open a bunch of tabs to flip between porn videos to maximize his pleasure through variety (which is fine)... a woman who ends up with a beauty glutton, will be faced with the impossible task of trying to be a variety of ideally attractive women to keep the beauty glutton interested. And she will fail to be every attractive women, and he will always be disappointed in her. Even a perfect 10 is not enough for a beauty glutton... as she can never be EVERY perfect 10 in the world. She can only be one perfect 10. Until he grows out of that phase, he will never be pleased with the woman he's with because there's always a more beautiful woman. And the woman will feel very unfulfilled sexually and emotionally in such a relationship dynamic because women need to feel like the man adores her to feel secure and to open up sexually.

The Root Chakra is Feminine... as are the Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakras. The Feminine is related to physicality and Earthliness. The Masculine is related to the intellectual, non-physical, and spiritual. The same is true in all archetypal systems. For example, the Feminine elements are Earth and Water (the physical tangible elements)... while the Masculine elements are Air and Fire (the non-physical intangible elements). Consider why we call the Earth "mother"... and you will understand why the Root Chakra is Feminine.

Along those same lines, I tend to give the advice to women, "Sort men from consideration who can't appreciate your beauty." And for men who are like, "I'm only into 10s", it's a tell that he can't appreciate most women's beauty. And sex will just feel awkward with him because you'll feel his disappointment in you. He'll always be looking to leave you for someone better. That's why most women don't like to date men who are perfect 10s because the guy will only find beautiful a woman who's as attractive as him. But add to that, a guy who is a 4 or a 5 who says "I only date 10s"... and you have that same unsatisfying dynamic... plus he doesn't have the attractiveness either.

It sounds like the main issue is that you get anxious in these dynamics and freezing up because you're too attached to the potential outcomes and reading too much into the experiences as a doorway to those outcomes. The trick is to just recognize that these women are regular people and carry on as normal... and spark up conversation like you would with some person you don't find attractive at all.

Also, I just looked at a picture of Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes and they're at similar levels of attractiveness. Honestly, if they walked into a random room... they'd probably be the most attractive people in the room.

People are mostly attracted to one another because of disowned parts in themselves that they see in the other person. So, attraction is certainly partially physical. But it's mostly psychological and emotional when that attraction is strong enough to yield a longterm relationship. And the physical attraction is just the initial threshold for the deeper attraction takes hold. In this case, I could see that most women probably wouldn't feel comfortable with this dynamic and would be a deal-breaker for them. But I can see that they have chemistry together and are on the same wavelength. And other than some paralysis of his mouth, he's not a bad-looking guy in terms of facial attractiveness. Like, if you look at them both from the neck-up they look like a relatively average couple. So, I can certainly buy that it's a real relationship that started with mutual attraction.

Typically, what's attractive about a man in the eyes of most women is just exactly what you describe. It's the guy's energy and vibe... and his focus towards just enjoying the moment and being himself. And if a guy is intuitive and emotionally intelligent with an even-keeled warm demeanor, that's the entire battle. It really is just him showing that he's pro-social and normal... and giving off the vibes of his authentic personality, which throws out a subtle signal into the environment that a sizable minority of women will be attracted to.

Haha! Exactly! I suspect that most people who tend to be attracted to older partners are looking for some kind of maturity.

That's been my experience as well. Though, it usually takes me 2-3 months of platonic interaction for me to develop feelings that are deep enough to feel compelled to do something about them. But it's usually been a slow-burn of gradually escalating signals and sub-communication from within an otherwise platonic context. And I honestly can't imagine a woman preferring the more direct approach that pick-up guys do, as it immediately cuts all anticipation and sexual tension from the dynamic by making the sexual intention explicit from the get-go. Yet again, they may not necessarily care too much about the woman's preference in this way. They're likely just focusing on their own sexual goals... and whatever works for them is what works. So, fair enough. And I had some hook-ups when I was in my early 20s after I got out of my first relationship. And there was nothing interesting about them. These experiences were very emotionally under-stimulating. And the enjoyment of sex is 2/3 emotional for me and only 1/3 physical. So, there was just no "there" there. But I think a lot of the guys who do pick-up might be under the impression that women agreeing to have sex means that she prefers whatever works to get her in bed. It's one of the side-effects of the cultural narrative around women being hyper selective and picky. So, many guys seem to think, "Whatever method works to sleep with a woman is what is highly valued by that woman and equally or superiorly preferred to other methods of escalating things sexually." But they seem not to understand this qualitative difference in terms of how women experience it. Either that, or (like I said before) they're just mostly focused on their own agenda to hook-up and don't focus so much on the woman's enjoyment of the experience as long as they're succeeding with their sexual goals. But that gradual escalation of sub-communication arouses a lot of lovely heart-centered feelings of intimacy and sexual tension over time.

Well, that's a little bit of a different thing. I was actually VERY attracted to older men during the time of that club incident. So, while it's true that most women aren't attracted to significantly older men, I've been attracted to much older men since I was 20 years old and started to conceptualize of myself as an adult woman. And I still have a preference for older men. But when I was 20, it was a straight-up fetish to the point where I couldn't even find 20-something-year-old men attractive. I only was interested in guys who were 30+. (This is when I met my husband, who is 12 years older than me.) Right now (at age 36), if I were single, I'd still have somewhat of a preference for an age gap of 5-10 years. But I am currently capable of finding men my age attractive... and even a few years younger. But my fantasy when I was 20 years old was to seduce a fully mature and responsible man whom I knew in a platonic or professional capacity who's twice my age (early 40s). But a HUGE part of that age-gap kink was a craving for maturity... and to stress-test that fully grown man's maturity and resolve by using my sexual power over him as a young woman to put him in a values-conflict with his own instincts, where he is concerned for my welfare as someone so much younger than him but is struggling hard to resist being a big bad wolf. Something about the tension of that dynamic and seeing the conflict between his civilized nature and his animal nature play out in his facial expressions really pushed a button for me and made me feel this sense that my sexuality is powerful enough to turn a mature, warm-hearted, and responsible middle aged man into a ravenous beast. But this didn't work with just any older man... as maturity was the real craving. And I knew at that age that any 40ish year old man who's approaching (or preferring) 20-year-olds is very immature. So, those guys in the club were immature older guys trying to be youngsters. But I wasn't even attracted to 20-year old men back then because of my craving for maturity. So, why would I want a middle aged man who's trying to act like a 20-year-old? They were just stripping themselves of the primary quality that makes a man attractive in the first place. So, I was typically un-interested when older men would approach me as I knew that approaching a 20 year old as a middle aged person was a tell about their character, maturity, and depth. But I also knew that, despite the fact that a mature man in his late 30s or early 40s would never approach someone my age (at the time) and would go out of their way to make sure I was feeling comfortable... I also knew that they'd be tempted and would probably eventually give in if I made advances toward them.

Yeah, definitely. There seems to be a split where some people are as social as they've ever been and others are struggling with isolation.

Yeah. I think the issue now-a-days is that young people aren't socializing face-to-face as often... and community has worn thin. So, there's a lot of young guys who would have been just fine 15 years ago... who are now struggling a lot just to meet women. Then add to that, all this misleading internet propaganda that just feeds off of the normal male insecurities and exacerbates misogyny to a socially crippling degree to feel more protected against those insecurities. And it's leading to a society where a significant population of young people (especially men) are not developing romantic/sexual relationships. Society needs to come up with some kind of support structure for socializing and building community... especially for young people.

I'm not saying to do pick-up inside the warm social circle. It's a good way to get kicked out of one. What I'm saying is to have a warm social circle. And then, if one decides to do pick-up to do it as normal with women at bars and clubs or other places like that. And yes, it's important to plan and initiate conversions.

Yes, I totally agree with this. If I guy is over the age of 32 and is still focused on doing pick-up and going out to clubs to meet 9s and 10s, it just comes across as a bit immature. Funny story... I remember going to a club once with my friend Asha (we were 20 and 19, respectively) and these mid-30-something guys (or older) came in wearing the tackiest suits I've ever seen (like big-shots)... and they started awkwardly dancing up on us and other girls in the club. And it was a crowded club and we couldn't go left or right. So, Asha started subtly backing up as she was dancing because she had about a foot of space behind her... and I started subtly backing up as I was dancing (making it look like a dance move to be subtle)... as one of these older suited guys was gyrating towards us. And I eventually collided with Asha and we were both pressed up against one another backing up. And she eventually collided into another woman behind us... and all three of us we dancing and subtly backing up towards the wall as the guy continued his awkward gyration dance moving closer and closer until he was doing his gyration on me and grinding his crotch into me... and I squirmed out of the way as he turned the focus of his gyration dance elsewhere. That's the kind of immaturity that it feels like, when a man who's beyond his early 30s is still doing pick-up. But if a guy is under the age of 25 or is really struggling to meet women, I can get why they'd want to learn pick-up. For very young guys (proximal to college age), it's just the phase of life to want to sexually experiment... and pick-up is a way to make that happen. It's a similar motivation to why young people want to go to clubs. And for guys struggling to meet women, I can see it feeling like the only solution. But for the latter group, they'd do SOOO much better to just develop a warm social circle. And they'd be a lot more likely to develop a relationship from it that feels good to be in. Like, I had TONS of nerdy guy friends as a teenager because I was a gothy nerd myself. And they all lost their virginity by their mid to late teens because... they had a warm social circle with both male and female friends (myself being one of them). Like, we were all always hanging out and getting into teenage shenanigans. So, these relationships and hook-ups naturally happened. Like my most late-bloomer nerdy friend, didn't lose his virginity until he was 19. And at the time, by comparison, that was quite late as most lost their virginity by 16 or 17. But the main common denominator with these nerdy guys is that they were social and had both male and female friends. So, my bias was "All the nerdy guy friends that I know are having sex with either me or one of my nerdy girl friends." It never occurred to me that guys would even have that much of a struggle finding a sexual partner, as even the most awkward guys that I knew were getting girlfriends and having sex. There were even guys (that I didn't like) who were in my broader social circle of acquaintance friends that had the combo of being unattractive, awkward, unhygienic, and poor of character... and they still had sex and got girlfriends. And I just feel like pick-up stunts guys who are isolated and struggling to meet women because it keeps them isolated and held back from socializing and building community around themselves. They just keep thinking taking actions that will isolate and stunt them more.

If you're seeing pick-up as a means of developing a warm social circle... I don't observe that working out very well. The healthiest way would be to build a platonic social circle... and then to launch from your platonic social circle to approach new women. The other way around it is that you build your social circle around your sexual needs... and the guys and your wingmen and the women are your conquests. It just doesn't seem like a very healthy social circle.

There's probably a good reason why these kinds of unusual positions are unpopular... things like the wheel barrel and stuff like that. I honestly can't imagine that feeling very good, as it would be in at an awkward angle that he couldn't go very deep and would easily slip out. And the spinning would probably just be awkward and cause chafing from weird angles. And the angle might put pressure on her public bone. That's what I imagine it feeling like when I look at this image. I also can't imagine that the man would be properly stimulated here... and he'd have to do a tons of work for not a lot of return for him or his partner.

@Joshe's advice is a lot more realistic and helpful for guys who are struggling with dating, as it will teach them how to be a normal social guy and to cultivate a warm social circle. The crisis affecting young men isn't that they aren't getting the hottest women. The crisis is that they're isolated and not connecting with any women (or people) at all. And pick-up artistry can't solve that issue... and will likely exacerbate it because it doesn't teach socializing under normal circumstances. Pick-up is fine as a supplement for men who already have a warm social circle and who have already developed socialization skills. But young guys now aren't developing a warm social circle as easily because the social landscape has changed to where people aren't interacting in person as often. Consider that, being a millennial, you have a lot of those needs already met. So, you can afford to dabble around with pick-up. But these younger guys don't have such a luxury, as their social support systems for interacting with women have worn thin. And they have to learn to initiate community for themselves if they want to be able to have sex, have a girlfriend, wife, children, etc.

Oh definitely, it was VERY dangerous what I was doing. If I were doing it consciously and deliberately and with full acceptance (without slut-shaming myself), I would have been more selective about the targets of my escapades and would have actually enjoyed them more with men who I knew and was attracted to. But because I was unconscious and repressing my sexuality for years before that, it was like I just kept rationalizing myself into agreeing to hang out with random guys that I wasn't particularly attracted to... and then having no ability to resist the dynamic going into sexual territory. It was like depriving myself of a needs (like food) for years because I believed that eating food and wanting variety with food was shameful. So, then (from a state of starvation) I just "binged" on whatever was in front of me... like eating poison apples because I'm starving. And now, I think having some variety of sexual experiences is very important for people to understand themselves. I just had too much of a purity mindset about sex and romance that I had baked into my identity. And it put me in the position for a binge and restrict relationship with my sexuality. And once I was out of that relationship and the restrictions that I placed on myself, I binged in a way that I didn't feel like I could stop or control. But it sounds like you and your partner have been having important discussions about it. It's a tricky situation to navigate for sure. But if you're both on the same page, you could try an open relationship. It is challenging if he's not quite feeling as strongly about it as you are. So, that's definitely something to consider. But one thing that I would say is that, those experiences did satisfy my curiosities. And I recognized that the experiences of hooking up are not that interesting. If I hadn't had those experiences, it would certainly have made it harder to settle down with someone.

@Schizophonia I really wasn't being bitchy to you. I really do mean that it's normal for someone your age to not have experience yet. That probably describes at least 1/3 of guys in their early 20s. I was just saying that you'll need some more experience before you're able to speak on what men (ages 18-90) generally enjoy (and what it implies about their level of Masculinity and psychological state). And you'll even need more experience to know what you like specifically. Once you have some experience, you'll find that a lot of what you think about and fantasize about now may not actually be the experiences you'd like to have, in real life. It's best to not get too bogged down in extrapolating theories based on your current fantasies before you have the actual experience. That's the point that I'm making. But it also makes sense that you'd want to have that experience with a woman who has similar levels of experience to yours. Like I said, people tend to want to have experiences with others who are on the same page.

Sure, I'll share some insights first... and then a personal anecdote. One thing I would say is that, I found that (when I was younger) the guys who I had found attractive on paper don't necessarily feel satisfying to sleep with. It's more about the chemistry and bonding. So, I wouldn't say that sleeping with your physical type would put you off your partner. That very likely won't happen. But I would tend to advise you to get everything out of your system and explore yourself sexually. That's the advice I'd give to my younger self. Yet again, that's difficult because you'd have to break up to have those experiences. It's truly a difficult bind to be in. But I find that it's important to let the bull run until it becomes content because you only have one life. And I want to share a personal anecdote to give a sense of why this is my perspective... -- When I was with my first serious boyfriend who I lost my virginity to, I was so attached to him that I thought we would marry and that he would be the only person I'd ever be with for my entire life. I was with him from the time I was 16 until I was 20. And I would try to deny to myself that the idea that being with him for life bothered me and that I wanted to have other sexual and romantic experiences, because I was very attached to the relationship. I feared that wanting these things meant that I wasn't valuing the relationship enough, so I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind. Now, the relationship was bad... so it really needed to end. That should have been like a yearlong relationships MAX. And this is where things are very different than your example. But even if it were an amazing relationship, I feel like I needed to have those sexual experiences with different partners to feel like I wasn't depriving myself of knowing myself that way for my entire life. And the reality (that I was suppressing and repressing) was that I wanted to have other sexual experiences and to explore my sexuality more openly and freely. But I was in denial of this... because I was attached to him... and I was highly identified with being the "chaste woman who will only have sex with one man for her whole life." And I had a bunch of slut-shamy narratives at the time where I felt like my value went down with every guy I slept with... and I had judgments towards promiscuous women that I would compare myself to to inflate my ego as the "chaste woman who's only been with one man and will only be with one man for life". And I wouldn't even allow myself to admit to myself that I found other guys attractive the whole 4 years that I was with my ex-boyfriend. So, I was deeply repressing my sexuality to maintain that relationship... and to maintain the identities associated with reserving my sexuality only for him for my whole life. So, when the relationship finally ended... I unconsciously "sleepwalked" my way into having sex with 4 random guys in the span of two weeks. Like, I'd meet a guy and he'd invite me over. I wasn't even that attracted to them. But I'd rationalize my way into saying yes. And I'd tell myself, "If he tries to sleep with me, I'll just say no". And then, I just wouldn't say no. Or if I did say no and the guy didn't take the first no, I just wasn't able to resist it. The reality was that I wanted to. But I wasn't conscious that I wanted to. But I would put myself in positions where it was bound to happen. And I would even shave off all my body hair from the neck down before I met them... and rationalize that away too. And in just a couple weeks, I dashed my "chaste woman" identity on the rocks... which made me feel like I was losing my value and my identity. And I was super confused because I didn't consciously want to have sex with these guys... except for one of them who I deliberately sought out to have a sexual placeholder to stop myself from sleeping with random guys to avoid upping my number. Like I was having a huge problem. And I wasn't even admitting to myself that I wanted to have hook-ups. And I had no boundaries or defenses against sleeping with random guys. After that two weeks, I pretty much isolated myself as I felt like I had just come down with a hardcore sex addiction that I had no control over. And because all of this was as a result of my deeply repressed sexuality, I wasn't consciously choosing who to sleep with. I was just agreeing to hang out with random guys and letting it happen to me. If I were to go back and time and talk to my 20 year old self, I would have urged her to admit to herself that she just wants to have some random sexual experiences... but that she should admit that to herself, so that she chooses to do it with guys she actually wants to. But I really repressed my sexuality hardcore to preserve my relationship and my identity... and it came back with a vengeance as soon as that relationship ended where it just took ahold of me. And it was SUPER confusing to me at the time, as to why I was doing that. So, I tend to recommend to young people to get these experiences out of their system for this reason.