Valach

Healthy self esteem would be number one for me.

Very interesting. I am friends with a lot of people from bachata/salsa dance community. From what they say it is one big fuck-fest. Might be country and group depended though.

I have been myself to these events. At the time I liked it, people felt open minded. However I feel like I have outgrown these things and I can now see that there is a lot of issues with this lifestyle as well. But it is still a step up from a the traditional christian purity culture, no doubt. It's just limiting in my experience. And obviously hedonism does not lead to fullfilling life.

@LordFall Those are some good questions brother and to be honest I don't have clear answers yet. By any means go pursue as much sex as you want without hurting people. It's just once I started asking myself questions on why do I desire sex and woman so much, it became clear that is it not just about sex. I suppose it depends on where you live but I found sex positive communities just as troublesome. I have couple of friends who go to swinger parties and they are one of the most unbalanced and unhappy people I met. Just using sex as a numbing agent.

It was my experience that the more sexual variability I was searching, be it with more people or a more "special" sex with one person (kinky, bdsm, you name it), the more I was craving it. Just like the more you eat, the bigger your stomach gets. I found out that a lot of my sexual desire was actual a projection of other emotions. Need for validation, need for felt safety, for acceptance, to escape pain etc. Once I started to feel more content in my life, more accepting of myself and my shadows, my libido plummeted. Obviously it might be different with other people, but I can notice this trend in others as well. Back when I was doing a lot of casual dating and sex I noticed that a lot of the high sex drive woman were also very anxious people deep down.

While I do not agree with the devilry comment I consider your approach problematic as well. In my experience the more you satisfy some want of yours, the more you fuel it and it comes back stronger.

@CARDOZZO I am doing fine with woman myself. My issue is the way some of the guys (including you) talk about dating & sex. A lot of guys in the pickup community (myself included) are doing that because of deep underlying issues and I think on this platform it is fair to point that out. I don't go into my local pickup community to oppose guys there. I sort of expect them to not be very conscious. But I feel like as long as we stay civil here, it is fair to point things out.

To elaborate further on this. You are doing all this out of self protection. You have learned in the first 2 years of your life that being vulnerable is not safe. To really upon others emotionally and to be relied upon yourself is not safe. And thus you unconsciously self-sabotage any potential for a relationship by hanging out with woman that you know are not a relationship material for you and running away that have "potential". Because you know, potential is scary. It means you might get hurt, you might get rejected and abandoned and that will trigger all the wounds living in you. I am not judging what so ever. I am struggling with the same shit and it is hard. So fucking hard. But I have found that if I want to have a healthy relationship at some point. If I want to have a healthy life, I need to resolve all of this.

Yeah. I feel like this is what is causing the drive to have a lot of casual sex (in my case it was at least). We use sex as a means of validation and to soothe pain. To compensate for a lack of security we did not get as little children. Check out Ideal parent figure protocol. Might be helpful for you. Also you kind of need to stop doing the casual sex and casual dating thing so u can feel all the shit you are avoiding by doing that. That is at least what my teacher told me.

@Zenterus Hey brother, I resonate with your struggle quite a bit. Have you explored attachment theory? I've found that it connects to this quite deeply.

What kind of experiences are you getting? I feel like when it comes to looks, no matter what your belief is, you will find a confirmation if you look for it.

From my experience this is quite false. Looks are not really the driving factor of womans attraction. Not to mention that this viewpoint is quite toxic.

What is that?

In my experience, there is segment of guys who grow out of pickup and its mentality.

I am curious what role do you expect from a romantic partner in your life? What values are you screen for then?

@TwentyfirstNot everyone is interested in creating such lifestyle.

@LyubovDoes not build a healthy foundation for a building a relationship though. That is my issue with it.

@Leo Gura Isn't it dangerous to still learn these aspects of his behaviour to get some results? Doesn't it corrupt you as a person then? I feel like learning a more holistic approach to meeting woman eventhough you might not get as many results (though they might be of higher quality) is better for your development no?

Well. Yeah, that happens a lot too. But I meant, these girls were not really seeking relationships with me per say. They didn't know me enough for that as it was ONS usually. But I always felt like they do not really thrive on this lifestyle. And I found out that me neither.

@Miguel1 I had this phase as well. Eventhough I was trying to always be transparent about things being only casual and not leading woman on I had this weird feeling. Woman were okay with it and often times were even seeking these casual encounters, but I could not shake down the feeling that deep down they do not truly desire this.

I thought so too in the past. I found out that this was just me conditioning myself that I am not good enough and that I need to do or achieve something to give myself permission to go after what I truly want.

Ah I see. As I mentioned it at the start of the topic, I am currently taking a break from dating because of an breakup. It has been now 3 months without sex for me and I am surprised how fine I am with it. Like I do not have much motivation to go out just to get sex. Don't get me wrong, I will be going out since I want to find a partner but the sex thing? Not really keen on that as much. I've had times when I would sleep with like ~5 new girls every months and it did nothing for my happiness. It was just draining it. I feel as you said, it is not really a physical desire but psychological. It is a desire for validation, for being wanted, for doing the same thing others are doing. But once you see through that, it's hard to find motivation to just go after sex with woman that you do not like that much. I still love sex, but I want to have a connection and strong attraction with someone for that. But that happens rarely. I've been on maybe like 50 dates over the last summer and most of the time I did not even feel like escalating (and I was feeling a lot of pressure to do so because of this conditioning). It is all so confusing isn't it.

Interesting. Do you really find more sex to increase your happiness? I've found that it does not do much for me honestly. And I do have fairly high libido.

It is quite early to ask I have barely noticed it is 2026 already. I am also taking break from dating and sex as I struggled with my last breakup since November. But I feel like I am about to return to the game but do it with more clear intentions. If I may ask, did you not have any sex at all since 2023?

I see. Would you say sex is a coping mechanism for you? I am starting to encouter it quite a bit in my local pickup community. Anyways, I do not have much advice to give you. It seems like you know where the issue lies anyway. Just letting you know that you are not the only person who struggles with this as I also tend to sabotage my relationships. In my case it is probably because I am afraid of being vulnerable and being abandonment.