Valach

The point of exercise is that you stop running away from sets. Not that you have to make 3 best approaches of your life. Literally approach the woman you are attracted to - 3 sets, that is the point. Not to pick them up.

Why?

@Olaf When I was reading it originally I was like "Wasn't it me who said it?" Yeah. Seems like you are pressuring yourself to have "good" approaches. Did you investigate why? What would it say about you if you did not?

I did see that. I don't buy that for a second. So many people claim their relationships work fine while it is clear they are not. What people often mean by "working things out" is "I suppressed myself in the relationships to keep it going in order to not get my traumas triggered again (abandonment in this case)" Noone, who is secure and has a healthy sense of self esteem would tolerate this behaviour.

The foundation of them starting the polyamorous setting was that he was cheating, his monogamous partner was not happy about it and tried to stop him but he did not, so they decided to open up their relationship for the woman he was cheating with. That is not healthy in the slightest - deep codependence and inability to exercise boundaries from the woman and lack of any values and character from the guy. They also do not seem to be taking too good of a care of their family - too many kids cramped up in too little space.

Did we watch the same video? I am not speaking against polyamorous relationships here (though I don't think of them highly either), but the relationship describes in the video is far from a healthy one.

Users feel used

I would focus way less on how other people are manipulative, low-consciousness, acting out their shadows, etc., and much more on asking: In what ways am I still doing the same things? That is what I try to do, at least. The main reason I pointed out the spiritual ego thing in the first place is actually because I recognize it in myself. I have a huge spiritual ego too, and the way you sometimes talk about other people is very similar to how I can talk about them in my own head—especially when I’m having an off day. As for dating, of course you can keep dating if that is what you want. I’m personally taking a break from it right now. Maybe it would help to aim more for spaces where you’re likely to meet people who are more aligned with you, although I understand that this can be very difficult. I went to an ecstatic dance last Friday, as I told you, and I actually liked the vibe of the people there quite a bit. I would need to spend more time in that environment to really feel it out, though. Besides that, something that has been helping me is simply trying to be present with and accepting of people even when I can clearly see their wounds, shadows, immaturity, etc. Just yesterday, for example, I spent about an hour talking with my 22-year-old flatmate about her dating life. Of course I could see plenty of immaturity, unhealthy patterns, and perspectives I disagree with. But I could also see the beauty in the connection itself. She trusted me enough to share her perspective with me, even when some of it might be unhealthy, and I’m genuinely grateful for that. Another thing that has helped me—and I realize this is extremely niche—is that I recently started working with kids through a charity. These are often kids from very difficult backgrounds: dad in jail, mom doesn’t care much, that kind of situation. The more I do this, the more I start seeing that adults are, in a sense, still those kids too. And I don’t mean that in a patronizing way. I mean that our personalities, defenses, wounds, and ways of relating to others are profoundly shaped by our upbringing and everything that happened to us along the way. Seeing that makes it easier for me to approach people with more understanding. Not by patronizing them, trying to control them, or tolerating everything they do, but by understanding where they are coming from. You can still have boundaries. You don’t have to let someone’s toxicity consume you or drag you down. But you can understand the person without needing to place yourself above them. And I want to emphasize something else because I don’t want this to sound like I’m dismissing the work you’ve done. I actually think you have developed a lot in terms of consciousness, maturity, and self-awareness. I can see that in your posts, and I genuinely look forward to reading what you write. That’s also why I reached out to you that one time, if you remember. But I think this is precisely where the trap can appear. Just like those kids, and just like all of the “adult kids” we meet, you are also the product of an enormous number of circumstances you never chose. You didn’t choose your starting point, your experiences, the people you encountered, the insights that clicked for you, or many of the conditions that allowed you to develop in the direction you did. So as you continue further down this path, I think it’s worth being careful not to turn your consciousness, maturity, or self-awareness into another achievement to identify with—something that separates “me, the conscious/mature person” from “those unconscious/immature people.” For me, that is where the spiritual ego comes in.

I mean this is hard to elaborate. Since it is mostly based on intuation (at lest for me) when we point it out. What kind of reasons do you expect us to provide? It's the same way when you provided feedback to @Olaf in another thread. You can just read between the lines.

Agreed. And let's also not paint people who are not interested in spirituality as "less wounded", they simply chose different coping mechanism. I met so many "normies" who clearly show a lot of trauma, yet are not drawn to this stuff.

I think part of it is also that we just became very hedonistic and self centered as humans. This approach of relationships with the question of "what do I get from it", whilst understandable, does not lead to healthy relationships in my experience.

Deep down you are affraid of rejection, that is why you do not lead your interactions and escape into another one.

I don't doubt that It's just that the really spiritual people I met here in Europe gave me the feeling that they would not really fit with the average "bali crowd".

It is up to you how you use it. The point is that he will be more motivated to stop self ejecting from the sets.

It is incredible hard for me as well. I don't have a very good answer for you. But building self connection and self awareness is the key for any inner, I believe you do them to. To give you an example: About 1 year ago I was casually seeing a woman. One evening I felt horny and hit her up to come to my place and she agreed. Nothing wrong with that eh? But at the time I was already starting to make some progress with the stuff. So I tried to stay with the feeling of horniness. I befriended it and went deeper. Underneath I found a deep sense of loneliness, unworthiness and sense of being lost. I found a small kid that wants to be desired and chosen by someone. It made me realize that I was just using this woman to stuff down any contact with these emotions. So I had to cancel on her and went into focusing on healing myself. And I see this as missing in the "hedonistic" spirituality. People come to that and want to feel good. Be it by spiritual practice, some healing modality or just the lifestyle itself. But true healing is not just about immediate relief. It is not just about feeling good. It is primarily about feeling more. Feeling the pain of your existence, feeling your traumas, feeling how you were mistreated as a child and how you try to cope with it as adult. For a large part of my journey so far I would even argue that I feel worse. I feel a huge sense of sadness and loneliness. But I embrace them and cry it out. And I find that this is the true inner work. When people claim they want to feel good, what they mean usually is that they just want to feel less. They want to distract themselves from their own inner suffering. I am not sure what you mean by the society's judgment though? Could you expand?

I have a feeling that also people imagine different things under spirituality. I have been to bali, just briefly and what people on there define as spirituality seems to be just Hedonism 2.0. labelled as spirituality so they can feel superior about themselves. A lot of these healing trips and ceremonies are just huge escape attempts.

Congratz. Now sleep with a man who hates woman and you have conquered dating.

So it forces you to actuall stay and enjoy these interactions instead of running towards another set.

You want a challenge now? From now on you are allowed to make maximum 3 approaches a day, after that you have to go home. Make it count.

But what is your long term goal that was my point. You literally are coming here claiming that you are learning game and at the same time don't want to waste time talking to girls, don't you see how counter-productive this is?

Okay but what do you want? Do you want to just master approaching everyone? Or are you looking for something? Why are you even approaching woman if you reject them then?

Yes, but the definition of sapiosexual is that the primary attraction is intellectual. I have met people like this and they simply do not care about physical attraction much. So they don't really differentiate between someone being average or hot just like I do not really care if the woman has blue or brown eyes (doesnt really change my attraction to her persoanlly).

It is hard, indeed.

Yeah, well I think if people value only the physical aspect of relationhips and no sense of intimacy or connection, they have their own issues. Which I see quite often. Most relationships are just glorified version of FWB.

But you yourself have mentioned that physical beauty is very important to you. How can you be sapiosexual then? Would you date a woman who is not conventionally attractive? Say average looking? Btw. I will still respond to the previous conversation, need to contemplate on it.