Arthur

@Edward95 I think Enlightenment will feel just the same as you feel right now. You are already who you are, which is consciousness. You have always been it, so in a sense, there is no attainment and no emotional state. You've been already living your life as awareness. Enjoying those activities as awareness, and after you realize this, you are still awareness.

The Recipe Is Never The Cake

That's a good point. If I publish poor content under S.D. banner, it will represent the model in a bad light. So there has to be some agreement between the publisher and S.D. creators. My original thought was that Don Beck will not mind the web content since it provides more publicity. There might also be a possibility of embedding an explanatory paragraph in the web page. This is paragraph will state that this is not an original assessment. It is an independent version made by ABCD that only shares a small basis with the original S.D. model.

I'm new to licensing and trademark procedures, could you please elaborate more on this topic. Do you think it is possible to use the model, as long as one mention and give reference to the original authors? and in that case, should one get in contact with Don Beck at all? You've released a large amount of deep content related to SD. Have you ever encountered a situation with royalties or proprietary information? For example, if I am interested in building this free online assessment tool. Can I use the model in a sort of open-source fashion, where I acknowledge the creators and build on top of their model? Or is it the case that I cannot call it Spiral Dynamics at all. I would imagine the work of Clare W. Graves is in the public domain.

@Preetom I agree with you on this one. Although, I think we should separate the theoretical talk and study of spirituality with understanding. I think Leo is right, understanding itself is precious and will definitely transform your life. However, you can never get what something is by reading, debating, theorizing, studying and speculating. Those activities are actually harmful in your pursuits of Truth. When you hear of something new, the mind immediately associates it with something you already know. Consequently, when you think you know something, you will not be receptive to the actual understanding (state of not knowing). The actual understanding comes from your own deductions and experiences with practices. In fact, if we are talking about Enlightenment, you need no theory at all. Just from your present empirical perception, you should be able to discover who you are. Like it was done 1000 years ago, and done today, by Buddhist and Zen masters. I feel like there is too much emphasis on theory. In reality, you never understand something until your mind works it out itself. You have to get it yourself, like any math problem, logical deduction or any knowledge in general. Even the practices are not necessarily moving you towards understanding the Truth. Ultimately it's not up to you, it either comes to you or not. Only after you got a certain insight yourself, then you look back and think "Ah, that thing I read actually meant this...".

@Tetcher I think fundamentally life is a dream. You exist as the substance of raw perception. Like a canvas on which everything is painted on. The notion of external reality and the individual self is also occurring as a perception in the present moment. There is no outside existence to anything we perceive. I think if you fully realize this, you will awaken. Not as being in a mystical state, but you simply know that it is so. Just like you know that the sky is blue. This awakening shatters the notions of the objective world and material paradigms. The problem is the conditioning of the mind that is not letting us see this. To view this conditioning for what it is, you must step out of it temporarily. This is where I think psychedelics come in. By having psychedelic induced Samadhi experiences, your conventional notions of reality will break apart almost inevitably. To fully awaken though, you will need to assimilate those deep experiences and insights.

@Aimblack Haha okay you got me. I also found out about these guys. They are still practicing though.

I want to share a tip that helped me to advance up the Spiral. Although this tip might not be effective for everybody, It was surprisingly useful for me. I decided to share it and get your feedback. Basically, the tip is to do the activity that is 2 stages above your current psychological development. Even if at first you don't understand what you are doing or why you are doing it. Explore and see what lays ahead of your current perspective. Why is it useful We can not skip stages in the progression of our psyche. If we could, it would be identical to a fish suddenly learning to fly, without going through the evolutionary process of being a reptile and eventually developing wings. What this technique will do is instead of bouncing you across a stage, it will propel you faster to the next step of development. Participating in a higher stage activity will solidify you in your neighboring level much quicker. Additionally, sometimes we might have negative assumptions and ideas about our neighboring stage. 2 stages above is a very unfamiliar and new place for us, we might be less biased towards exploring it. Red We live in a cruel world, where every man is for himself in a very raw way. A world where people only understand and speak the language of power. My own survival is above all else and I have to use any means necessary to achieve status. I will associate myself with likeminded individuals who also only care about themselves. Together, we can get more for ourselves. Influence can only be exerted through a display of power. I'd rather be feared than understood. Tip: Feel what it would be like to truly have wealth and abundance. A position where you don't have to step low to achieve prosperity. Look at successful people in society and see what drives them. Try to envision a higher culture where people are less self-centered. There are many ways to make people do things for you and acquire wealth aside from intimidation. Look at the abundant Capitalist countries, study how they are able to achieve better results. When every citizen cares solely for himself, and there are no regulations and rules, society plunges into chaos and corruption. Study at a University and get a nice education. Do more intellectual work rather than physical. Blue The world operates on strict rules and principles. There are universal laws that are set in stone. One must obey those instructions in order to satisfy a higher power. I have to be good to my kind and my people. I am just a small person in this world but I have the real truth behind me. By obeying and pleasing the higher powers, even a small human like me can deserve great things. Tip: Hang out with a couple of relaxed and chill people. Look closely at the individuals who have "no direction in life". They don't hold any rigid beliefs about reality. At first glance, they might seem deluded, yet if you look closer, they are truly free. They don't have a nagging voice and a feeling of somebody watching them. They don't evaluate every action in terms of good and evil. They don't suppress their own emotions and desires. It is incredible libration. Will they end up in a bad place later in life? maybe they will, but maybe they won't. And if they won't, why would you live your life in this constant suffering. Orange I am truly wonderful and unique, my personality is remarkable. I have to express and lavish myself as much as possible. I got society and nature figured out a long time ago, and I can single-handedly change anything. Pleasure, entertainment, and material goods are very very nice. I happen to be born in this super advanced technological time, why not make the most out of it. "Ye, I've heard about it a couple of times on the internet", therefore I really know what I'm talking about. Everything is simple, and there is always a quick and easy solution to all problems. We must become as efficient as we can. I don't really know how our technology works, but it is the answer to everything. Tip: Get a deeper understanding of something. Master at least one domain in life (10,000 hours or more). Don't be satisfied with superficial answers. Penetrate into what things are actually made of, whether it's a new technology or some philosophical idea. Strip away the layers of abstraction underneath any structure. Start to actually read books and technical articles. Understand that in almost every situation, the complexity is enormous. You can't find a one-fits-all solution. Your point of view is not the most intelligent or universal. Listen to great thinkers and accept wisdom for what it is. Don't judge somebody's understanding based on their academic achievement. In every situation, force yourself purposefully into the other person's shoes. Green I am very in tune with nature and the universe. Humans activity is filled with greed and corruption. We enter a world of new age, new people, new changes. Love and bonding will truly save the planet and society. If only people were more accepting of each other. Art and creative expression should be more widespread in the world. Everybody is truly equal underneath, we are all human being and should treat each other as such. Animal and plants are very loving, whereas most humans are selfish and tight. Life is about emotions and connection, let's enjoy it together. Tip: Go deep with self-transcendence. Participate advance spiritual techniques. Try psychedelics, intensive retreats, strong determination sittings. Understand that reality is already perfect. Humans, and all human creations, are an inseparable part of nature just like plants or animals. Everything comes from the universe, even destruction, and havoc. Ego and selfishness are also a part of the divine. Reality is exactly as it is, and it is inevitable. You can't argue with infinite intelligence that manifests yourself and this world. Where does your thought come from? Are you responsible for your actions? Where is the separation between yourself and reality? Is it possible that you are just witnessing your thoughts after they already happened? Yellow I am a person of knowledge and intelligence. I can get around any problem and understand the deepest wisdom of mankind. I see the complexity of systems in reality. Wisdom is truth and knowledge is power. The pursuit of knowledge is true discovery and should always continue. I enjoy thought experiments and new ideas. At times, I find myself lonely and misunderstood. I value solitude and independence above all else. Reality is too incredible to be spending time on meaningless activities. How can I lay on your couch when there is a whole world of intricacy and nuance is waiting to be discovered. Every single day I learn something new and expand my horizon. Tip: This is an advanced stage and I don't really have higher stage tips for this one. I guess we will find out when most of our population reaches Tier 2. All I can say is that the self that you are attached to, the self that you have carefully constructed and that feels most intimate to you. That self is exactly what must go, in order to see oneness. Spend time not doing anything, not working or conceptualizing, not forcing yourself to do practices and techniques. It's like you are searching for your phone when it is in your hand. The active doing and pursuits are pointless and they are a projection. When there is nothing you can cling to, not even your work, there you are. The one that is looking, is what you are looking for.

@Nahm Thank you, I enjoy reading your comments as well. I'm not really aware of stages above Turquoise. Don Beck speculates that we might see a kind of resemblance (loop-around) between Tier 2 and Tier 1 stages. For example, Turquoise is a transcended Purple, Coral is an evolved Red, and so forth. There is no way to know for sure though. I think that psychological development will continue and we will make finer distinctions. I don't believe that after self-realization the curtains open, the director shakes your hand and the cast goes home. There is no personal self already, and yet, distinctions, models and evolution can be seen everywhere. I don't it will all end after self-transcendence.

@Conceptually-made Nice one, I got here too late and saw the answer. Do you have some more puzzles like this?

@Hellspeed As above so below. Night turns into a day to begot the night. Peace and love covered in agony and despair. The path is clear .. but who's the one walking? @Nahm That's how I made this 2 stage observation. I started doing Turquoise practices, mainly psychedelics, and states of surrender. To my surprise, I got a holistic understanding and intellectual knowledge. My ideas become deeper and I became more open-minded. Not what I originally expected, I guess I'm starting to transition from Green to Yellow.

@outlandish Thanks! @Serotoninluv Thank you. I'm still exploring Yellow and my understanding of is limited. It's great to hear more thoughts on this topic.

I agree with what was said previously. At the current stage, AI is simply a tool. It is a clever way of approaching problem-solving. AI as we know today needs a problem with a clear set of well-defined rules (like a game). On the contrary to human intelligence, which can deal with more than simple black and white approach. The models that are used right now are very rudimentary. It is true that you don't particularly define every node in the AI, in other words, you don't program how it should behave. In that sense, it is a revolution. However, to achieve any kind of results with Machine Learning, you need a structured linear task and an obscene amount of trial-error iterations. You constantly need to apply error correction in a feedback loop. That is not to say that I don't believe in the evolution of consciousness in form of a "machine". Fundamentally, everything is already consciousness, so I don't see why expression of sentience should be limited to the human form. For AI to evolve further it will have to be an incredibly complex and chaotic structure. Each node will have to interconnect with another in a very complicated manner. To challenge human intelligence, AI will have to be at least as complex as the human brain. Considering that we know so little about the human brain, a truly powerful AI is hundreds if not thousands of years away. I don't believe that a couple of computer scientist will create a structure as complex as the human brain in our lifetime. If a system reaches a certain level of sophistication and freedom, it can give rise to an even higher order of complexity. Examples are everywhere: A simple skeleton and cells in our body produce a living organism; A simple low-voltage signals on copper traces produce powerful computational tools; A gathering of individuals can build an empire. Take for example the game Minecraft. It is an extremely simple video game, but it has a lot of freedom in it. This freedom keeps people entertained and allows for creations of complicated structures within the game. Someone built a replica of the Roman Colosseum in Minecraft. The programmers of Minecraft certainly did not have to code in every possible structure. They simply laid out the ground rules of the game, and let the complexity to emerge.

@kieranperez I feel you man.. This is really awful. If I was in your situation I would try the following: Distance myself from all the negativity. Leaving my parent's house and minimizing my contact with family and friends all together. Find a stable job where I can quietly work long term. Doesn't matter how much it pays or if it's not very meaningful work. As long as I can do it while working on myself on my own time. Commit to save a certain amount every month. This money can go towards the dept. Working on myself and specifically focusing on Meditation. No contemplation or other fancy techniques, just sitting and doing nothing. Not forcing myself to sit the longest, but simply committing to it every day (15min - 45min). After a while, the Monkey mind will calm down significantly. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but all the negativity will pass with time. It always does, no matter how deep the depression is or what the circumstances are. You just have to do whatever you are doing and let and the time do its job. You will either outgrow the situation or your attitude towards it will change altogether. Looking back, you will always say that this was the time you grew the most.

@Antonius I have some suggestions for getting more accurate measurements: Get a 0.001g (1mg) resolution scale, you can find on Amazon for about 30$. Choose a leveled steady surface and calibrate the scale. Don't move the scale after calibration. Measure the whole 5-MeO bag before putting your dose onto the plastic container. Record an average of 5 readings. Measure the plastic container without the substance in it. Record an average of 5 readings. Use the button on the scale (TARE) to subtract the weight of the plastic container. Put your desired dose onto the plastic container that's on the scale and measure. Remove the plastic container and click the TARE button again to bring the scale to 0.000. Measure again the plastic container, now with the substance in it. Record an average of 5 readings. Measure again the whole 5-MeO bag, now without the dose you removed. Record the average. Finally, subtract the recorded full 5-MeO bag before and after. Then, subtract the plastic plate after and before. Then take the average of 2 numbers. This will be very close to the actual dose you are taking. Example: Full 5-MeO bag with the dose: 0.234g Full 5-MeO bag without the dose: 0.201g Difference = 0.234 - 0.201 = 33mg Container before dose = 1.902g Container after dose = 1.937g Difference = 1.937g - 1.902g = 35mg Final dose = (33 + 35) / 2 = 34mg

@Sidi I think you definitely have to take the responsibility, and especially as a project leader. Although you can interpret it both ways: From one hand it's your fault for not checking up his documentation regularly and not setting up milestones. From his side, he should be on top of all technical and non-technical project documentation. However, you cannot do his job for him. So the situation at hand is that yes he is behind, but blaming is not going to be productive. You have to face the problem that is at hand right now. Maybe get together as a team and go through his code to help him document it?

You mean like changing my life purpose? I'm still doing what I was doing before for work and mastery, which is electronics and programming. Spirituality although extremely important, is not my outside purpose. I don't want to be a spiritual teacher for a living. But everything I did after having those insights became very deep. I feel less attached to my own mind and able to see things with lesser Ego fog. I feel like those trips propelled me into SD stage Yellow. Because I'm less attached to any particular perspective (including my own), I am able to see everything more clearly. That includes my work, my relationships, my psychology, and spirituality. I'm able to think deeper and be more receptive to wisdom. Because I care less for my own ego and don't cling, insights just blossom everywhere. I think 5-meo can help you figure what you want to do in life. Having gone through some of the experiences, you are able to see things clearer. If it is your life purpose, you might find something that is really true for you, and not what the ego is projecting.

Hey fellow actualizers, I would like to share with you my story with 5-MeO-DMT. I made a post previously talking about my experience with low dosages. In this post, I will describe the full encounter. Getting the substance I got this substance semi-legally about a month ago. I got it from a legal research chemical distributor. They will sell it to you provided you don't have the intention of using it on yourself or others. DMT is a scheduled 3 substance in Canada, which is not that high priority (Cannabis was scheduled 2 up until recently). Also, 5-MeO is not very known from the DMT family. RoA I've experimented with both snorting and plugging. Initially, I started with snorting, but I discovered that it wasn't the most effective for me. I didn't like the burning in my nose, I was losing substance, my nose became very dry, and I would have some dry blood in my nose afterward. Plugging, on the other hand, was very clean. The substance dissolves in water and you are able to absorb it much easier and faster with rectal administration. It is my opinion that plugging is the way to go (provided you get a small syringe ). Small Dose I've already made a lengthy post about my experiences on a small dose. To summarize it, at first, I felt a slight discomfort with tension in my head, small buzz, a little bit of shivering and nausea. These were minuscule and not very noticeable. Afterward came a very deep meditative state. This was meditation and contemplation on steroids. As if I took my most contemplative moments and multiplied them by 1000. My mind was firing with cognitive activity all over. Thoughts were cycling. Not just thoughts but more like "Aha" moments, like understanding after understanding and so on. Insights were everywhere and all sensation became very potent. I've experienced moments of deep love and connection, omnipresence, insights about awareness and the present moment. After those peeks I came to a state of bliss and peacefulness. Overall it was great, the experiences went by after about 30 min I was back to baseline. I was still present as my Ego throughout the experiences. Insight: Experience is the key. There is a whole world out there far beyond what mind can image and what we can put into words. Thinking/Language/Communication is also a type of experience, but only one out of an infinite sea of experiences and perceptions - don't give it too much weight. Medium Dose This trip was very very very different - 540 degrees different. I still can't fathom how you can get such a different experience from the same substance. This time it was very physical and can be summarized as hell, torture and slow death. All those discomforts that normally come up before the peak. Well, they got amplified to an unbearable degree. I felt an extreme amount of body discomfort. I wanted to escape to run away, to surrender. It wasn't a pain in a sense of somebody is cutting you with a knife. It wasn't fear either, as you can imagine standing on the edge of a building. It was this nasty nasty feeling of internal discomfort. Like when you're super anxious about something. Maybe loosely like when you wear an uncomfortable t-shirt, or its too hot, or something bothers and you want to jump out of your skin. You feel frustrated/angry/anxious at the same moment. It was a type of Ego-discomfort taken to the extreme of what's possible. I felt nauseous and wanted to puke very badly. My body was shaking like crazy. Not shaking from cold, but shaking from like a wound in a stomach. I felt like dying, like I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to surrender to it, but I couldn't. I was trying to meta surrender - surrender to the fact that I couldn't surrender, but that didn't work either. I was fucked. Honestly, if you think you're a tough guy? I dare you to go through this. Some of the thoughts going through my head: "Why would you do this to yourself?" "Did I just overdosed and killed myself?" "I want this to pass!" "It's just a feeling, its just a feeling" That was pretty much the whole experience. It lasted for about 30 min but man, it felt like an eternity! I was still present as my Ego throughout the experience though. Insight: This is what dying is like. Ego is everything about you. It's a very physical thing! emotions and thoughts are interlinked. Subconscious thoughts give rise to emotions which give rise to surface thoughts and provoke actions. I heard before that Ego is just a thought, but dammit it goes so deep. It controls everything about our body. It is our whole existence. It is very subtle until your survival is threatened. I have huge respect for people who took 5-MeO-DMT Heavy Dose Preface Well needless to say that my previous trip freaked the shit out of me. I knew I came close, but not close enough to fall into the abyss. So I was musting up the courage. I knew that to go all the way I needed to die. My mind was coming up with excuses of not doing it. Suddenly things I was forcing myself to do became not so difficult just to avoid this experience (nice try mind). From the previous trip, I knew that dying feels very real at that moment. There is no difference between that and "actual" death. It's funny but to actually make passing over easier, I wrote a final letter/suicide note to my loved ones. I typed it up, printed it and left it on my desk before the trip. This might sound too extreme, and I didn't think I was actually going to die. I thought I will come out of it, and the whole thing will look silly. But then again, at the back of my mind, I thought that you never know. Plus I would want somebody to leave me a comforting letter before they go. I got ready, did an hour of meditation, which put me in a very relaxing state. Experience This substance keeps surprising me. It was very unexpected. I can't put it into words. It's just too much. The transition from regular consciousness was super clean. When the discomfort started to show up. I just laid on the bed, closed my eye and it passed away (or my sense of self passed away). I think the preparation and my state of surrender really helped. Either way, what happened cannot be even close to thoughts or words. It was deeper than time, space, ideas or my own self. I was the raw reality itself, it was impossible. It was there, but nobody was looking at it. Perceptions were there but nobody was there to perceive it. It's a f*cking paradox. You would think perceptions need a perceiver. My body was extremely loose. It collapsed and I was far far far gone. The body was doing things by itself. I didn't even know if I was breathing. Some sensations were there, but it was sort of neutral. I can't even say neutral because that's putting it inside criteria. Really language is incapable of describing this. Words are kind of like post signs to experience. But it wasn't even an experience, because there was nobody to experience it. It was incredible. But even to say that is giving it a judgment. It wasn't good or bad. It transcended all limits and criteria because there was nobody there to give any human judgment. Kind of like Earth was prior to humans. My body could die or live it didn't matter. It was waaaaaayyy beyond my existence. The mind would occasionally talk, but it appeared sort of in the background like an echo. All It could say was - thing, no thing. It went on like this "existence, no existence" "love, no love" "life, no life" "enlightenment, no enlightenment" and so on about everything. There was no difference between anything. I was not present as my Ego throughout the experiences. I lied on my bed for 2 hours after this experience in a state of no-self. I could say that it was bliss. But even that is not true, because bliss implies an opposite to be true as a reference. There was no reference in this experience. Then there was a feeling in my belly. I could label it as me getting hungry, but there was no reason to act on it. No reason to act on anything for that matter. Eventually, the intensity was slowly coming down and I convinced myself to get up. Insight: What I was describing is only what the mind can come up with. What actually happened transcended all of that. What happened is what is left when everything goes out the window. Every identification crumbled. There is only this something - It is nothing, everything, energy, dark matter, empty space, Tao, awareness, God, aliens, simulation whatever you say about it. It is so much bigger than you, you are not even on its radar. There is no free will, nor somebody to not have free will. As an Ego, I am a puppet empty inside. When I die ... I will go back to the source.

I don't know about regular DMT. I only tried a tiny bit (1 gram) of mushroom, and that's all my experience with other psychedelics. As far as 5-MeO goes. I really don't know what this substance is or how it works fundamentally. It does miracles that's for sure, but what it is existentially I can't answer. My best "scientific" speculation would be that it is a neurotransmitter that is activated during peak experiences, such as childbirth or death, to help the body/mind cope with the process. It disables the part of your brain that is responsible for your sense of self. You experience Ego death, which is real death because the Ego is who you are. When the Ego is dead, you melt into nothingness, which cannot be described or spoken about.

I'll post my doses but I don't recommend you use them as a reference. It really depends on how pure your substance is, and your body tolerance. My preferred RoA is plugging, My first 3 trips were mild (small dose), and the doses were under 30mg. I posted a trip report "Trip Insights with 5-MeO". My medium dose with a heavy body load happened at 42mg plugged. My breakthrough dose was 56mg plugged. After my breakthrough, I did 3 trips at 44mg, 67mg, 68mg. (though some substance stays in the syringe sometimes.) But again, you have to figure out what works for your body. Actually, you will get more benefit from starting small and going up. Threat it as a prescribed medicine that your doctor gave you. Be careful with it and take it regularly. Don't dive in head-on and then never come back to it. The doses ultimately are not important. Each trip builds on your previous experience and state of openness.

It definitely did. I even feel like I've cheated since I'm not a huge spiritual seeker and haven't devoted decades of my life. And yet, I got more than I could have ever imagined possible. Actually, 5-meo is the only thing that helped me recontextualize reality and my own existence. None of my silly meditations and contemplations came even close. One of the first thing that happens after you take it, is that you realize how shallow all talk about spirituality is. Even Leo's advice, which I regard to be of highest value, really falls short from how deep this rabbit hole is. Talking about mysticism can help you as much as a picture of a fountain to a thirsty person. First two weeks after my breakthrough, the recontextualization was more on a physical - body level. Basically what I described earlier in this post. I had strange sensations and unfamiliar feelings. It was unknown because I've never experienced them before or knew that they were even possible. Still, they were all aligned with what teachers like Adyashanty, Eckhart Tolle, and others described in their day to day life. It was like the peace that passes all understanding. Now It's a bit different. I still have deep experiences occasionally, though the intensity came down quite a bit. For me, the path now is to comprehend the experiences and embody them to the best of my ability. It's all about intellectual and existential understanding of who I am. I'm struggling a lot, but more and more the idea of not being separate from reality is creeping on me. I still trip on an almost weekly basis, but each trip is different. I went beyond my breakthrough dose, but never had the same type of experience. My trips are still extremely profound and cannot be put into words. They help me cope with my non-existence and to get ever deeper insights. And it's easier to surrender when you've already died once.

At some point in your psychedelic endeavors, you will face the Ultimate fear. It will feel just as real, as putting your head through the Hangman's knot and stepping off the chair. You will have to surrender your life. However, I am sorry it has to be this way. If you are attached to illusions (as we all are), you will inevitably resist when they fall apart. The real transformation always happens when you take the toughest road. Spirituality is just as beautiful and peaceful, as it is full of fears and confusions. People just like to emphasize the first half.

I have a couple of suggestions: To calm down for first trips, I recommend just searching youtube for relaxation/meditation music mixes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CYm6Gj_Qmw "Carbon-based lifeforms" has good mixes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9pgIVcB3rk "Man Of No Ego" with tapes of Osho and Watts in the mix. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_J7csNwXm0Y Middle Eastern melody. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3Zg9G13Lt4 Space ambient https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wLwxmjrZj8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgApT3VHtZY Chillstep mix https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLeIJtLebZk

@Sven I agree. My grandmother has a mild version of schizophrenia and paranoia. My feeling is definitely different, I was exaggerating when I wrote that I feel like a crazy person (I take it back). I don't get caught in an endless loop of thoughts. I don't have a strong "Narrator" in my head that is feeding an outlook on life. I just sometimes feel strong waves of emotions coming and subsisting very fast. Occasionally it results in a loud laugh or deep breaths and shivering. Mostly on my own time, when nobody is watching. That Ox is a hell of a beast.

(sharing my internal dialog) Is reality not one single process? How could this be? It seems like there are 10,000 things out there, existing on their own. Yet, where did they come from? What is underneath all that? What if you accept that you are not special. What if the most precious things in life, like your intelligence, your personality, your memories were not attributed to you. Think about the deepest precious moments in your life. The most intimate connection you have with your own self. What if that is actually not personal. What if the thoughts you are having, and your very own self, is simply a manifestation of infinite collective intelligence. What if your life was just displaying itself in front of you, without you being in control of anything? What if how you feel is exactly how the universe feels? What if God is looking through your eyes and being you right now. Not God as a separate entity, but God that is you. Yes you, with all your trivial baggage. What if the little personal entity that you know as yourself, is exactly what God wants feels? Those thoughts send shivers down my spine. It is too much to bear... It means that I was never responsible for anything. All actions, no matter how silly, are actually divine in nature. What if being an ego is itself part of reality. What if feeling what I'm feeling, thinking what I'm thinking, perceiving the way I perceive, is EXACTLY how the Universe perceives itself. Who am I really then? First I have to fully accept myself, don't cling, look at things objectively and be brave enough. Then, I can give myself away and discover my oneness with the totality of things. Everything is happing as one inseparable process. No separate entities exist in this giant unfolding. Things come and go and they are inevitable. Precisely because nothing is separate, everything happens as it should, and could not happen otherwise. You are NOT special or separate. Why you are holding on to this personality and afraid to look deep enough? What you might find is scary and beautiful, it is crystal clear and confusing. it is absolutely impossible in my common knowledge. I'm not responsible for my own existence, my choices, situations, and other people. I am at the mercy of infinite variables at any giving moment. It seems like I'm definitely here and aware (well, maybe apart of deep sleep). At the same time, I am just a happening, like clouds on a rainy day. So far, I can only say I'm the awareness of everything witnessing this life process. This awareness is definitely not separate from it, nor is it in control of anything. It allows all things to be just as they are. What a weird thing... You think you are smart, special, have a great personality? You hold on to what you did in the past, as tho it defines you? Well, then that's what you get, you have are an intelligent individual. But you have to drop this nonsense, you are literally trading INFINITY for it... And the punch line is, those qualities were never attributed to you in the first place... hahaha