kieranperez

@S33K3R you sir I think hit the nail on the head...

@Toby Adderall (20 mg XR) - ADHD; I was tested for 6 months back in 2001 so it wasn't some quick diagnosis or anything. So I'm glad I at least know that it wasn't some BS diagnosis that didn't have thought put into it. Abilify - Same answer as put for Lamicitil. PROBLEM: getting off this medication is very hard. My psyche goes into severe withdrawal after 2 days without it. I can hit random out of the blue extreme border suicidal lows. I've talked about this with my psychiatrist and have been told that when I get off it I should be fine because I'm already at such a low dosage (5 mg) Lamictil (200 mg) - Don't even know anymore to be honest. Psychiatrist already plans on tapering me off this though which is good. Lithium (600mg, my blood tests show that I have barely any in my system so I'm only on a TINY dose despite what may seem like a high dosage just from looking at the number) - To reduce my manic depressive lows Prozac (60 mg) - Handling depressive lows (although I honestly don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it) Sometimes Seroquil but that's in case of hypomanic episodes

So I'm noticing very clearly now that I don't do well when I'm constantly being told what to do. To be more specific - when I'm constantly being told how to live, work, act (around others), what to do, and just working under someone in general, I always start to rebel. Part of this is because I've been moralized what feels like all my life. I've been told for countless years that I'm too dark, depressing, hyper, energetic, I don't listen to "good music", I shouldn't act this way or that way, I shouldn't compete like that, that's not how I'm supposed to cook, how I don't know any better, how I live in a bubble, how I don't have skill sets since I'm 22 and didn't go to college because a lot of struggles I was going through, how I'm crazy, not that educated, constantly ridiculed and told (mostly by my dad) all the mistakes and things I do wrong, etc. I've just gotten to a point where I'm so sick of this bullshit. This is not how I want to live my life. When I work for someone I always have to walk on eggshells since I've only worked in customer service, e.g. retail, pizza shop, etc. and I tend to operate and thrive very differently than how I'm constantly hounded to be. I really try to work under it. I'm just not someone that just tolerates kissing ass. I speak my mind. I'm very expressive and enthusiastic. Yes, I totally understand I have a lot of behaviors that I need to correct. Which is why I'm part of this forum and am trying to get started with Personal Development w/o sabotaging myself (usually because I get so beat down on how what I want to pursue and do, such as personal development, meditation, etc. is wrong and I feel like a loser and end up doing nothing because I can't bear working for my dad in real estate and under anyone really at this point). Is this a problem that is just me? Or should I take this as a sign that I need to do my own thing? I'm just so confused on what to do with my life right now...

All, So I want to start this off by saying that I know what I'm going to say is all limiting beliefs and I know don't make sense. At least at a conscious level. Like, I know when I look in the mirror I'm a fucking good looking guy that shouldn't feel as insecure as I do. Like, I have a 6-pack it takes one day to carve out after not working out for 5 months, have the most freakish metabolism where I cannot, no matter how hard I would try I can't gain weight (I don't really, but if I felt like it that is), I have the body of an athlete, have run sub 4:10 for a mile so I have a lot of athletic ability I shouldn't feel insecure about, I'm 6', and am even 10"... you know what I'm referring to. I DON'T SAY THIS TO BRAG. I SAY THIS BECAUSE DESPITE ALL OF THIS I'M STILL MISERABLE WITH MYSELF. I just did a post titled "Filled w/Trauma & Hate" on the emotional section of the forum that explains a lot of this. I'm just so stuck because I know I shouldn't feel like this. I know how I have so much to offer emotionally and genuinely and have nothing to feel insecure about physically. In yet, let's say I'm driving and I'm at a stop sign and I see a really cute girl or a group of cute girls. I'll look at her/them and regardless of whether or not they even acknowledge me, I immediately find myself looking back down, biting my nails, spitting, doing some sort of bad habit in addition to lowering my head and hunching my back because I just feel so inferior inside. I try to do the whole Tony Robbins philosophy of just change my posture and the emotional shift will follow but it just feels fake. I can't shake this thing that's all in my head. I know a big problem I developed early on in my teenage years was to be the guy who sometimes tries to get a girl's attention by having a problem or something. Regardless of that maybe still being the issue, I just don't know how to get this to go away and I can just be myself. Even though a big part of how I see myself is someone that's just really frustrated with life and just depressed... I would even try the method (for weeks on end) technique Leo had a video on, "Awareness Alone is Curative," but I just find myself getting more depressed the more aware I am of the problem because I see how irrational it is but I feel even worse because it still isn't subsiding.

Hey guys! So for as long as I've been alive I've been fueled by competition. Yes, with others. To a degree where if I'm competing against you, I will be relentless. I embody what it means to be a relentless competitor (at least when I'm not sabotaging what I'm pursuing and much more... that's a whole can of worms I'm going to include in a different post though). In the sense that, I'm not competing by acting like an asshole. However, it's the mindset that, if I'm racing you (I'm a competitive middle/long distance runner on the Track in the Mile & 5K, Cross Country on the National Circuit , Road Racing, and Trail Running and eventually Ultra Marathoning) and you're my opponent, if I knock you down I'm not picking you up. I also highly value a high-end work ethic that FAR exceeds others. I don't dabble. When I love something and I commit to it, I don't fuck around. In this example of my running, I'm willing to die doing what I love. Period. Running played such a deep role in my life that it was the only outlet I had when I was most suicidal in my life. Competing, training, dedication, commitment, discipline and just the life of someone who embodies the lifestyle of eat, sleep, train. However, I'm not a workaholic. I do know when to take time and transition out of this mindset. I'll go on drives, hang with friends, go to clubs and party in moderation. Which is usually once in a blue moon now since I got that desire to party out of my system when I was younger (I'm 22 year old). HOWEVER! This is the critical distinction that needs to be made in all of this!- When I compete against others and have this urge to stand out, IT'S NOT AS A MEANS TO SIMPLY GET ATTENTION (necessarily) & FEEL LIKE I'M BETTER THAN EVERYONE & SUCH! I COMPETE AGAINST MYSELF. THE PEOPLE I RACE AND I CHALLENGE AND COMPETE WITH ARE JUST MEANS TO COMPETING WITH MYSELF. THE PEOPLE I'M UP AGAINST OR THE TOUGH COURSE I'M GOING TO TAKE ON OR A PICKUP GAME OF BASKETBALL WHERE I'M TALKING TRASH OR AM PURSUING MY LIFE PURPOSE AND TAKE MY LIFE TO THE NEXT LEVEL IS MY PUREST AND MOST NATURAL WAY I FEEL THE MOST FULFILLMENT IN MY LIFE I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED 2ND TO NONE. I'M HERE TO CHALLENGE MYSELF TO THE LIMIT. I LOVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, AND I SAY NOTHING LITERALLY, MORE THAN IF FOR EXAMPLE I RACE (EVEN IF I'M JUST RACING ALONE IN A TIME TRIAL WHERE NO ONE IS THERE. IT'S JUST ME AGAINST THE CLOCK) AND I TOTALLY RAN SUB-PAR, DIDN'T MEET MY GOAL AT ALL, FAILED IN ACHIEVING IT BY A LONG-SHOT, ETC. BUUUUT I GAVE EVERYTHING I HAD. I FEEL MOST PEACE OF MIND, HAPPINESS, AND FULFILLMENT WHEN I GIVE EVERYTHING I HAVE. IF I FAIL, THAT'S FINE. "I CAN ACCEPT FAILURE BUT, I CAN'T ACCEPT NOT TRYING." - MICHAEL JORDAN "TO GIVE ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR BEST IS TO SACRIFICE THE GIFT." - STEVE PREFONTAINE That's why I compete. There's nothing more fulfilling than that for me. That is what's given me most fulfillment in my life. I WANT TO BE A CREATOR THROUGH THE LIFE OF A THE MOST FIERCE COMPETITOR THERE IS. Why though? - Simply because I want all of what I just described to stand for something that's greater than just myself. I want all of what I described to truly mean something that can impact the world. I want to be world class. Now. In my sport, it's fact that no matter how hard you work and dedicate your heart to it, there's ALWAYS going to be someone better than you. I don't care who the hell you are. I'm friends with several Olympians in Track & Field that have won Silver Medals, Gold Medals, Bronze Medals, Top 5 in the NYC Marathon, etc. This level of elites. They will all say the same thing. I'd be lucky... REALLY lucky if I even got a small sponsorship give my talents. However, I want my talents to be maximized to the day I die. Where I know I gave EVERYTHING. Not just in my sport but all the things that compose what I value most and what I felt I was supposed to do and pursue in my life. Now... I just don't know how I can use these values in my Life Purpose and utilize all of this into a mission that can impact others. Again, I do value significance to a great degree. That's just something I can't shake. It's just feels so true to me but in a way that yes, it fuels my ego probably however, I know to the bottom of my heart that I don't value significance as an excuse to live the life of a narcissist. I want my significance to stand for something. Become an icon people can look at and be inspired by through all of what I mentioned above. I think of it like the impact Michael Jordan had on the world. Although what he did was out of selfish desires to be the best that ever lived, he also stood for something. He stood as an inspiration. An icon. There were no words that needed to be said. His actions did ALL the talking. People could just look at him and know exactly what he's about and that would get people to want to embody that mentality of being the best they can be in their life. I value contribution so much. I love connecting with people and helping others. However, the way I've always influenced people the most in a positive way is when I can keep my mouth shut, do what I do and love most, do what I do best (and I do this at my best when my commitment stands for something more than just myself), and let people be fed off that. I can give great advice all day long, as can anybody. However, I want what I what I do and love most to be the thing that impacts people that is accomplished by me and doing what I love. I want my hard work in what I love and willing to die for and my 100000% commitment and relentless work ethic to be what inspires people to go after whatever they want to do. I don't know what you'd call these values, so I could use some help in clarifying that so I can modify My Top 10 List of Values in the Life Purpose Course. More than anything though... I could really use some ideas on how to take these values and make something out of it. Everything I come up with just dissolves and ultimately brings me back to this most deep intuition that THIS is what I have to do and how I need to go about it. I appreciate you all reading this far at all. Leave as much feedback as you can/want!

@electroBeam you hit the spot of what I'm trying to get at. The point of being a Creator through the means of competing and such is really what I'm getting at. An example of what I'm getting at as far as maybe a Life Purpose goes could be say a YouTube channel that documents my training, racing, but also the emotional components "behind the scene" to give aspiring athletes of what a life of Mastery looks like in working towards becoming World Class. So it's not just hitting the competitive component but actually more focusing on inspiring athletes to not be afraid nor brought down of pursuing their aspirations to becoming the best THEY can be rather than just trying to focus on beating people. Again though, in a way that really hits home emotionally that creates inspiration. So if someone is a competitive person like me, direct that competitiveness in the direction of competing and creating something magnificent but on their own terms. Not on the scale that society may find more important. Also documenting say, spiritual components that go behind this lifestyle, e.g. Meditation, personal development work, etc. so people understand there's a balance to all of this. I truly see sports as a tool that teaches. It can certain teach people bad/unhealthy things and behaviors which we see all too often on tv and what not. However, it can also teach you good things. i really want to emphasize the fact that what I described in my post is really no different that what we see in business. Yes there are companies out there that just try to be at the top through unethical means just for the sake of status. There are also companies though that truly get to the top but because they want to make a huge impact on the world. So if that means surpassing and outdoing their competitors, so be it. That's ultimately what I'm getting at. I guess I didn't do a good job of describing that but this is really what I'm getting at. Leo & Extreme Z7, I think that was a bit much but I think I didn't word what I said in the original post clear enough. Hope this comment clears things up. Don't want to take those comments personally despite them being a bit much as I know you two mean well. Specific well-intentioned feedback on this still appreciated! ?