kieranperez

Okay. So in the past I've shared a lot of limiting beliefs regarding the pursuit of my Life Purpose which is to be a Holistic Running Coach. I wish to coach Elite/Professional Athletes as well as anybody who has a passion for not just running but also life. I know sooooo many world class athletes including Olympic and World Championship Medalists in just Track and Field alone. That's not counting my friends who are among the best in the world in Trail Running, Ultra Marathon, the Marathon, Cross Country, etc. What I'm really in conflict with is my relationship with a lot of the community. You see, I have an internal problem where I notice I'm WAY too expressive and impulsive with my thoughts and emotions. This has especially become a problem of course through social media. I've gotten into so many issues with people in my community due to my mouth and the way I put myself out there that I have a really hard time getting along with people. Yesterday I deleted (not deactivated) my Facebook account because I'm tired of the way I shoot myself in the foot on that platform. Hell, I'm on a track club and I'm making enemies with people because I have a hard time controlling what I say and understanding what to say and what not to say + knowing what's likely to piss people off and what's not. Facebook is also a super useful platform for me to market myself given that I'm starting a blog to put up my material but man, I've made myself into such a loud mouth and all that that I just don't want to deal with anymore of that. I don't want conflict anymore. I just want to be cool but my mouth has gotten me into so much trouble over the years that I don't know what to do. I almost don't want to pursue my Life Purpose given that I feel like I've made such a bad name of myself and I don't know how to recover that without being a people-pleaser (which I HIGHLY resent and HATE doing). How can I recover from such a bad reputation? Any good resources for someone with bad communication/social skills? How can I really fix this problem within myself but also recover my relationships with people? I'm on the verge of quitting my Track Club too because I don't want to face people and still be an outcast. I'm tired of being an outcast. I want to get along with people.

I’m an inch away from pulling the trigger and saying it fuck it to my fears. I’ve had it with this being subjected to being called “crazy” “mentally ill” and all this stuff and delusional. I'll spare the drama behind all of this but what’s terrifying me causing me to hold myself back is this: what if all thisbpersonal development is wrong? I trust @Leo Gura intuitively and this work but fuck... what if I’m wrong about all this? I’m afraid people will be right about me being stupid with this self help stuff? I love my dad but he in just so toxic for me and part of my intuition knows I need to do what I gotta do with my life. Especially now that I feel determined to take on my life purpose. On the other hand... I don’t want to say ‘this ain’t your fucking life. I’m livig life on my terms,’ then bail and be wrong about it then I will have cut myself from my family and then will be alone. I don’t want to lose that. I guess I just am afraid of throwing caution to the wind because I don’t want to sacrifice my deepest held personal relationships... even if they might be toxic... it wasn’t all bad. These people have good intentions but it’s not healthy anymore. I’m made out as this delusional bad person and all this sort of stuff. What if I’m wrong about all this work at the cost of losing my dad and my family?...

Please leave feedback so it doesn't really just serve me but other people that may be struggling with the following limiting thought patterns! Some of my limiting thoughts and victim thinking, excuses, etc. towards pursuing my Life Purpose... I have $1.62 in my bank account and no college degree nor any practical work skill sets and still live with Dad who pays for me for everything and is a toxic person to live with. I can't get a job at all to make any money to help fund my Life Purpose and even when I do get that low-end job, I get so depressed and miserable with myself for feeling like a loser because I can't get a better job. I didn't go to college (I'm 22 1/2 years-old) I'm horrible with money I don't know what I want I live in a fog I can't concentrate at all I don't know what I'm passionate about anymore. All that I thought I was passionate about is slipping away from my interests and now I don't really have anything else. I can't work towards a Life Purpose if I don't know what I'm authentically passionate about anymore I don't get along with people I just want to be alone I don't want to work with anyone. I always get into problems with people. I don't get along with people. I'm no business guy Being ambitious to make it in business has never been something that entered my mind. I've always been an athlete and had ambition towards that. Not business... I'm not motivated by business. I don't know who I am anymore I don't fucking care/Fuck this I sabotage everything I do Stop doing nothing! I can't keep living like this! Do something already! I'll fucking show them! I'm a failure I don't know what to do I just can't work on a Life Purpose right now.. I need to leave here but I don't have the money either... I'm fucking stuck! I'm wasting my goddamn time This is just a distraction from just making money to move out This is a luxury for me right now Where the hell did I go wrong?! I didn't ask for this! There's nothing to fucking do What the fuck am I doing with my life?! I'm a man-child I'm a fucking loser I feel so much less than everybody else whose actually accomplishing things This is embarrassing... I have a feeling this thread could really help some people out.

Alright. Often times we tend to talk about how what makes a Victim is that they believe that outer circumstances are holding them back... BUT... What I’m noticing for me is that I just downright feel like I’m a Victim to myself. I feel like I’m a victim in that I am my only obstacle however, I the obstacle still feel like this is insurmountable. I simply feel stuck because I can’t conquer myself. I feel like such a slave to my own unconsciousness, negative habits, my inability to take action, my consistent negative thoughts, etc. I just feel like I’m a victim to my own sense of self.. I really don’t know what and I’m just driving myself insane. I feel so fucking stuck in my head and in my own way. I still have a meditation habit too...

So I've been reading the Sedona Method and have been going through the process for the last 2 hours and I'm noticing I'm feeling even worse and I'm getting more and more lost in thought and stuck in these emotions. I have no problem welcoming the emotions and having them sit with me and I feel them fully but when I ask whether or not I could and would let it go & when, regardless of my answer and no matter how times I cycle through the process, nothing get's released. If anything I get so extremely frustrated and upset because I'm feeling the emotion, even when it get's stronger (from the frustration) but no matter how many times I cycle through, nothing get's left behind. I tried the methods and techniques involving the application of my senses and that didn't do anything at all either. I do notice though that if I listen to the tonality in my inner dialogue I hear my voice as if talking with gritted teeth and with so much agonizing rigidity and tension. However, I can't seem to relax that either most of the time and even when I do relax that it feels completely mechanical so my mind never buys into it. Thoughts or advice?

@Source_Mystic But man... that really is helpful. Going to get on the first exercise right now! @Joseph Maynor are you referencing the Do Nothing meditation? Definitely going to follow through with that as well and not just limit my meditation to just 1 sit p/day.

Jesus... this really resonated with me... Especially the example on the girl. Question though on the affirmations when negative thoughts arise... I notice that when I do affirmations when I have negative obsessive thoughts so as to challenge them, I feel like I'm lying to myself. For example, if I have a thought that says 'I'm a lazy fuck,' and I counter that with an affirmation that goes, 'I'm a responsible productive person,' I tend to get overwhelmed and quit because I feel like I'm just lying and deluding myself. Is that just part of the game and I just push through that anyways? That's definitely been a confusing obstacle with me in terms of affirmations.

Very happy to have read this Yeah I’m talking from an athletic standpoint but what does that even mean really? That’s just a label in my mind. Running is the most physiological natural thing a human being can do. That’s just an evolutionary fact. I also live in probably the best place in the USA to be a runner (SF Bay Area, Marin County... look up pictures). @Okaythen I’m not gonna egg you on to get into because I think finding a sport that fits you is where the fun is. Which is part of why I’m asking about this whole Hatha Yoga thing. Sports, or whatever label you attach to it (i include yoga in it) can and does tend to draw a fuckin lot of ego out of a person. However, those who are mature see what’s truly deep about pushing yourself physically in whatever endeavor it may be. Endurance sports/events are amazing, especially competing (whether be against others or yourself), because it’s just you. Much like spirtitual work. Hell, look up Timothy Olson on YouTube as well as Kilian Jornet and Scott Jurek. What’s also great about endurance sports, especially running, is that it is such an amazing and healthy way to get you in touch with both yourself and simply with just Being.

So I want to start doing my research on psychedelics so I can open myself in creating my own life purpose. I’ve retaken @Leo Gura‘s Life Purpose Course multiple times from start to finish but I’m noticing that my mind is just too closed off from other possibilities. I keep landing at being an elite running coach (more specific than that but that’s not the point). Now, yes, that’s something I’ve always kinda gravitated towards because I’ve always loved training theory and what not and also working with people. However, I notice it doesn’t feel authentic to me at the end of the day if I’m self honest but my mind is just so closed on any other possible purposes I could have in terms of a career. So I want to use psychedelics to help me open my mind to that. That said, I remember watching Leo’s episode on how to use psychedelics for personal development and he mentioned setting the intention of what I want to get out of my trip. I don’t really understand what that means though when I think about how I actually do that. For instance, do I just constantly have that intention my head and contemplate while the substance is taking effect? I do understand that its important to have an objective because obviously if I didn’t have one, why else would I be taking it? So hopefully that makes more sense now as far as my question. Also, how do I know what psychedelic is best in conjunction with what I want to get out of my desired psychedelic trip? How do I determine for example: ‘oh, lsd would is the best to take for this given objective.’ thanks as always!

My question still stands. Like, why Hatha Yoga? I’m a runner and have been for the last 10 years. I run between 50-90 miles per week (depends at what stage in training I’m at). I’ve been an athlete quite literally ALL my life. So the mind body connection isn’t foreign to me. Endurance Running is what we as a species what sets us apart from all other species from a basic survival and physiological standpoint. Granted, 99.9999999% of people don’t have a clue how to run properly. So again, why is this specific type of yoga significant? I’ve been an athlete all my life and have had borderline spiritual experiences in my running alone. I train every day and strength train 3 times per week. I agree in the mind body connection. I’m just confused on why there’s so much emphasis on this type of yoga.

@jjer94 Hold on I'm really confused... Why is yoga related to this? That seems like a totally different tangent from my topic. I'm curious as to why you bring that up.

Okay so I'm really working on ending this habit of moralizing and am certainly going a lot of awareness as to when I'm "should-ing" myself. I keep @Leo Gura's insight on ending this paradigm of should-statements in mind but this goes into my dilemma regarding motivation: For example, I haven't been disciplined with my training as a runner. I'm trying so hard to commit myself to training for Nationals for track in June and all this stuff but my motivation for running has been all over the place lately. If I had to be honest, my motivation is coming from this unhealthy should paradigm. However, I love my running though and I do want to become the best athlete I can be as a result of committing to mastery in my running. Nothing feels more right when I'm training and racing. At the same time though, my motivation is clearly improperly grounded as I can't even go a whole week of training without sabotaging myself and then moralizing myself more where I say to myself like 'I need to get fucking serious man! Let's go! Sometimes you just gotta do it even when you necessarily don't want to!' Which I do see as something that can be seen as neurotic but also true. Another example is working on turning my financial situation around. I'm just not putting in any work towards advancing myself in my work (which is at a very mediocre level) to earn more money (which is not what ultimately motivates me. However, not having any certainly should get you motivated). It's like, unless I don't beat myself to get started on work, man, I won't do a damn fuckin' thing. Even when I don't do anything though, I still guilt myself to start getting things going and not be a fuckin' waste product. Again, this was touched on in Leo's video on how to stop moralizing but I'm still unclear as to how this get's dropped and get's replaced with healthy motivation (preferably ASAP so I can get shit done). It's as if I'm either sabotaging the things I actually need and want to get done because I'm just not grounded by positive motivation or I'm guilting myself and beating myself when I follow my desire of not doing anything.

You decide whether it matters to you. You're just going to live a much better life if you embody Truth. Not that you won't live a decent life fulfilled by lies and stories you tell yourself. You don't need to do anything.

Would you rather live a life fulfilled by lies or be fulfilled by embodying what's actually true?

So I'm at a point where I really feel like I'm at a point where it's time I sit down and doubt the shit out of what I always thought I was passionate about because I notice that what I thought I was always passionate about is turning out just to be these beliefs that I'm clinging to. So at this point I don't know really know what I am authentically passionate about. So I want to do an inquiry of getting to the bottom of this but could use some advice on key questions I can ask myself. Any tips? A lot of this is ties in with my consciousness work as this will be helping me discover what I truly want that's authentic to me rather than stick to something because I've identified myself with it for so long.

LOL I love this guy

Meditate starting now and everyday for the rest of your life. You won't see results right away but that's your problem right now. You're neurotically trying to change and use thoughts to change your thoughts. Change doesn't work like that. How can I say this? Simply because I'm in your situation.

@ProblemSolving thank you

@Leo Gura I just wanted to say given the title of this thread, thank you for sharing that story in that Life Purpose video. To be honest, I cry pretty hard every time I watch that part because that's my relationship with my mom who has lost her sanity to her DIsassociative Identity Disorder and I can't have a relationship with anymore. That part is what motivated to buy the course and man... thanks for being the one person I can relate to even though I've never met you. Hope I can thank you for that one 2 min segment in just one video one day. So much love to you man.

So I’m really starting to notice this dilemma where the more I become mindful in the midst of my intro consciousness work, the more I don’t know what the hell is authentic to me because I can really see how I don’t know who I am (metaphysically speaking of course). This has been conflicting with my moralistic paradigm which I’m still working on where I’ll still moralize to act a certain way but I have enough awareness where i realize ‘holy shit, I know what’s going on here but if this is what I’m trying to rid myself of, how do I act in the meantime? I don’t know what’s authentic to me anymore..’ I’ve also struggled not knowing what my desires are anymore.. I'm really working on sitting with this confusion but at the same time, are there any perspectives that could help in terms of maybe contemplating these matters or something? If I don't know what's authentic, I feel so conflicted and confused on how and what I want to be about. I think this might be an issue some people resonate with in the midst of consciousness work.

@AleksM do you mind if I chat with you over PM? Would love to pick your brain.

I think this is a matter that needs to be talked about more. I'll get into situations where I'm doing personal development and I'll have someone like my dad, a friend, or really anyone for that matter say something that's along the lines of 'dude. There are people that have it way tougher than you and have so much less money in yet they still have to go out and put food on the table. Some of them even get to high levels of success. Yes they may not be happy but I'm talking in terms of success. What you're doing is making this more complex than it actually is. People in 3rd world countries don't need this stuff to go out and make a paycheck. Yes, they might not have a dream career or even a job they like for that matter but if they don't go out and make fuckin' money they starve. So they work. That's what you need to focus on.' I just don't think this issue is addressed enough because I think that common commentary, although it's pretty ignorant, it still holds a lot of truth... maybe more than I want to admit. I mean, yes there are poor people out there who don't work hard at all but there are also one's who do work incredibly hard. I mean, there are a lot of poor people out who don't do nor know of self-help in yet they do what they got to do regardless of what their source of motivation is. @Leo Gura and anyone else, I could really use some feedback on this as I think this could really shed some light. Is focusing on higher quality motivation something that should addressed more depending on what stage your at in your life?

It’s his forum.

@Leo Gura what you just described had me laugh because that is exactly what I’ve been denying myself. I will have arguments of how I need to change NOW. I remember you mentioned about how all identity crises come from the ego detecting it’s own falsehood and when I heard that I immediately thought about all my self deceptions I’m pretty much apart of. How I decevive myself over things I think I want but don’t actually want but still pursue them anyways because it fits the identity I’ve constructed for myself.

I'm starting from scratch with all my friends and relationships. Several months ago or so I noticed that I pretty much am the one that only was reaching out to (those I thought were) my friends and how I was never being reached out to. I had (who I thought was) my best friend that I've known since birth who supposedly moved out here to San Francisco to go to USF just so we can be near each other while he went to college in yet, I rarely ever got texts or calls from him in terms of hanging out and stuff. It was always me going around reaching out to him and asking him to go to parties with him that I thought he wanted me to go to. However, when I noticed no one really would reach out to me despite how much I would reach out to others to hang out and what not I decided to put an end to it and see what would happen. Never heard from anyone... and I do mean anyone. Including my best friend. Although it's tough to swallow that all the people I thought were my friends, including the one I've known for all my 22 years, I do feel a bit more at peace in a way. As much as this guy would tell me I'm his non-blood brother, best friend, and all this other nonsense and I don't hear a word from him because he's off hanging out with his other friends who supposedly he's not as close to as me, all that talk is exactly that. Talk. Before I would always shrug and be over it but now I've pretty much had it. This goes with those who've made up pretty much my entire social circle over the years. I don't want to be called a good friend and all this stuff but in reality you don't actually give a fuck. The more personal development I do and the more I learn to love solitude, the more I see this as just being such a silly game. Yeah, I'm hurt but I'd rather be hurt and have integrity then keep being a doormat and be lied to, whether people are conscious of their lies or not. With that said, I do want to develop a new higher conscious and more healthy fulfilling social circle. Inside though, to be honest, I'm resistant because given my shallow friendships, that's all I see this to be now. I don't really know what it feels like to have the opposite of that. Every time I talk with people now, which actually isn't hard for me as I'm still very outgoing, I still get this vibe that it's all shallow surface level conversations and what not and I don't want that nonsense anymore. Tips and advice on where I can from here and start over?