kieranperez

Slight update: Replaced bottom left photo, adding a 3rd picture of Christ contemplating alone... to think 2-3 years ago I was the most bloodthirsty atheist you'd ever meet... now vision is to become a mystic and a sage with 3 pictures of Christ on vision board... damn

No! It doesn’t make sense! Don’t fall into the trap of “it makes sense”. Read Ralston’s books on this and do build your concentration and mindfulness and understand your emotions. Emotions are huge in this because notice how your emotions are defense to you surviving as a self and manipulate your entire experience to escape what’s actually occurring.

@ajasatya exactly. Again, im not saying he’s of no value to learn from. I’ve tried doing what he’s done (not because I knew about him or anything but because that was my attitude towards life) and it’s just hitting your head against a wall needlessly after a certain point. If he helps inspire people to get off their ass, awesome. That’s what those people need. I can do what Goggins is talking about with my body and mind in the context of sport in a sense. I say in a sense because the more I operate from the “Goggins mindset” I actually start dropping out of races, quitting workouts, quitting entire seasons, etc. I perform my best and can go more when I drop that whole narrative. Kilian Jornet, if we’re going to talk about running, is a great guy I love as a world class athlete who is extremely positively motivated and does thing that people will look at and think is impossible. Take the gold from his story, and leave the rest.

What does it mean to be a sage/mystic? What role do they play? What do all mystics and sages have in common? What makes each sage and mystic different from each other? How does one really become a sage/mystic? What are sages and mystics NOT? What are the contributions of a mystic/sage?

What Ralston is very profound. Even if you read what he’s talking about, he’s too clear. Pain only exists under the deep assumption that you are actually something harmful to you, something that’s hurting you as a self. Again, let’s go to the root canal example of Ralston without pain killers. You can literally experience a root canal without pain killers and not “be in pain”. Pain becomes a distinction that you stop creating. However, you’re probably going to need to have an enlightenment on what your nature is and have the insane concentration and mindfulness to do what he’s talking about because of all the emotional reactions that connects to you as an ego that come with “stopping pain”. I suggest, rather than just learning to just withstand more of the emotional beating you give yourself (because whenever you suffer, you’re still creating it and doing it to yourself regardless of whether it’s from sitting on a cushion, you exerting yourself in some way in some athletic endeavor, or suffering from the loss of a loved one or have your heart broken) and create a bigger capacity for that, wouldn’t it be better to learn what all of that is? To the degree that it becomes an experience you can stop creating entirely which will allow room to operate more effectively rather than just fight with yourself. I don’t know. A lot of people actually don’t want to choose that because they want some fictional like David vs Goliath battle with themselves that they think is better because they’ve made a whole story and narrative out of their suffering.

Not that much of a fan of Goggins. So no. I’ve met Goggins and have friends who’ve run with him as I’m friends with some professional ultrarunners and none of them are really that much of a fan and at the end of the day, he’s an asshole of a personality. There’s no real humility to him at all. I’m not a fan not because I don’t resonate with his story, I feel like I resonate with it more than most people in society in a sense because I know a lot of that pain he’s talking about growing up, that hardship he went through growing up (I was never absurd like he was), and also wanting to let that out in running as running has been my life for some years but that approach just doesn’t work for me. I know a lot of people will look at that as some cop out but when I lived my life reacting in the aggressive “fuck you” attitude to the voice in my head and that I’m some tough motherfucker, it destroys pretty much everything and I burn out. There’s some good componenents to Goggins like ownership, accountability, responsibility, etc. so I’m not saying he doesn’t have anything to offer. Not at all. I’ve just kinda accepted that transition out of where Goggins is coming from because it just leads to more misery, unnecessary anger, making this whole stupid thing out of my life story when there are people who’ve had it way worse than me (and worse than him) and they’re humble. Understand that it’s one thing to read about these people and hear them talk on a podcast or something, it’s another thing entirely when you meet these people. I remember that when I met Michael Jordan at his camp 3 years in a row. That man was my god. I actually used to wish when I was a kid he was my 2nd dad. When I actually talked to him I just remember being repulsed with his level of narcissism. These kinda people serve some healthy principles to society that I agree we should emulate, but for me, that’s about it. I don’t want trash Goggins because I know what he’s talking about in a lot of different ways but yeah, just not a fan.

Probably Om Swami’s memoir.

There’s a lot of different things that go into that. First it depends on what you really mean by “pain”. If you're talking about physical pain, thats not going to be the same as answer as emotional/psychological pain. Which is not to say those are separate. For most people, unless you’re like Ralston for example who is conscious of what pain is as a thought and an activity we create, physical pain like running a race takes a psychological and emotional toll as well. However, there are a variety of things with this: genetics (at the end of the day, this is a factor, some people are born with certain predispositions to literally be able to handle a higher volume of maximum output than others), upbringing, how much trauma one has had in their life, how much one has cultivated discipline, the degree of tolerance for physical and emotional struggle in overcoming challenges, etc. Lets even look at the example of enlightenment. How many people in the world can really tolerate and remain calm and meditate like a rock in the kinda hardcore asceticism and austerity that we see monks and yogis put themselves through. I know some “tough” people who’ve been to the meddled in the olympics from track to judo and they’d crumble in that. Theres a lot to being able to go through discomfort so you can’t really pinpoint it. My biggest advice is to know what you want with all your heart and let that be your resolve to go through anything.

@Rilles that’s an intro. I’m talking about going more in depth on the actual process itself and also more detail.

And of course...

An update to the first videos on Self-Esteem and Authenticity.

I don't mean this some bragging way at all but people have told me this for awhile. For years I've told people and shared my story with people and a lot of people (I don't mean you) seem to be really moved when I describe this stuff that goes on. Starting to kinda feel like this is a recurring sign that I need to take advantage of. It's hard because my brother basically internalizes everything. He doesn't like people opening up to him because that actually makes him vulnerable. He doesn't like talking about really anything. He projects onto me a lot because I'm seen as the fuck up in the family whose this coddled 23 year old whose still at home and is deluded and am cold, have no empathy, uncompassionate, selfish, blah blah blah and he doesn't want to respect me and just sees me as a 23 year old whose going to go nowhere in life (which I do feel is true... not say it is but I'm saying that's how I feel and operate in my life and how my daily actions - or lack thereof- is a reflection of that) so he works to not be like me. He doesn't let anyone in though and my parents tend to moralize to him for not opening up which of course makes the issue worse.

My favorite books are pretty much always biographies and memoirs. A powerful story gets me every single time. Those are the books that have made the biggest impact on me for sure. Books on technical topics (success, spirituality, sports, whatever) are great and have a role for me but the ones that make the biggest dent in my life and my being are stories.

Update: turns out he probably has a broken jaw. He’s in tears eating his food. This is hard to watch. I feel so bad for him... he doesn’t deserve any of this but it’s what happened... I don’t know what to do. They don’t accept me but I want to help my little brother. He’s been so depressed already because of my parents secular moralism and my dads programming and I can see why he’s suffering but I can’t do anything.

I honestly feel like I’m about to throw in the towel. I’m tired of my mind, I’m tired of not knowing what I fucking want out of my damn life even after going through life purpose course multiple times, I’m tired of waking up every single morning not knowing what the fuck I’m doing any of this for and why I should even get up, I’m tired of waking up not having a reason to get up anymore because I have nothing I feel pulled to anymore, I’m tired of not having any direction because I don’t know what I want or know what to do, I’m tired of being the lazy pathetic person I am. I hate my self and I don’t see this getting better. I feel like this whole thing is hopeless. I’m trying SO HARD to be kinder to myself because I don’t know what the fuck to do. I try visualizing what I want, nothing. I try writing, contemplating, asking myself questions, reading biographies and watching videos of people I look up to (Leo, Om Swami, a bunch of other names people on here might not know, blah blah blah) and then I come back to my life, this pathetic stupid thing that I am with poor concentration that complains, is lazy with no work ethic, a ton of psychological trauma and baggage from having a mother who the majority of my teenage years I had to make sure didn’t kill herself, a father whose this secular moralist who debates me and lectures me because to him “debating is (his) UFC sport” and I thought had it all figured out and is just as stupid as everyone else, and a family doesn’t love ME they just love the fantasy they have of me and their identification with me because I’m just their attachment. I have absolutely no direction in my life, I have no tangible idea about what I want to do as a life purpose. I may be 23 but I fucking feel like this over. The rubber meets the road now and I feel like I’m SO underprepared for all the variety of both valid and at the same time irrelevant reasons. I’m tired of making excuses and giving reasons as to why my life sucks. I see my life in 20 years working some dead end retail job waking up in tears, not able to look myself in the mirror for how much I’ve wasted my life. The people I look up to, I can’t replicate that. I can’t replicate what people like Om Swami did, or Leo, or even lesser known people like Ryōkan or any of the list of people I sometimes talk about on here. I can’t turn inwards like that. Hell, I can’t even figure out the logistics to something like that. I don’t even want to lead people at this point. I don’t want to manage people. I don’t want to preach to people. I don’t want to just start a YouTube channel and be another one of those guys who copy @Leo Gura and ride on the backs of other people. I can’t even sit and meditate anymore (even on my days off from work) because after 5 minutes I feel this sensation of myself crying inside my chest and my mind is just going crazy of all these projections, frustrations, and knowing that this all for nothing and how I’m just wasting my time. I’m terrified to move out from home because once I move out, though I can’t stand who I live with, I live in such an expensive area (San Francisco) with no friends to room with, that’s it. No more help from mom and dad and I gotta pay for everything including the psychological help I desperately need help with which I probably won’t be able to afford, will probably have to work 2 low end jobs to get enough hours which will drain the shit out of me and that’ll be my life and if that’s going to be my life I don’t want be here to go through having to watch my life be pissed away. I’d rather be gone than feel the pain looking myself in the mirror and knowing I pissed this shit away. Im sorry for another depressing rant. I’m quite tired of writing these I just have no one to talk to anymore these days and I’m tired of holding this in. Everyday I look at the sky in the distance and at the moon at night and cry because I see much mystery here that I want to discover where all of this came from and I cry because I feel like I’m so polluted psychologically from all the trauma in my life and all the impurities such as judgements, every belief I have, victim mindset, self deception, addictions, ADHD, etc that I’ll never know God. I’ll never know who I am and what my role is in this life. I’ll never know my highest possibilities physically, spiritually, psychologically, intellectually, etc.

What would be some key differences between a mystic and a sage? In terms of character, understanding, point of view, skills, insights, abilities, impact, and so on.

Trying to maintain an open mind to this. I've recently heard about this and have been doing some fun little research on this topic. Thoughts on the validity of this? I'm not reading or researching this term and it's descriptions literally and am trying to read in between the lines (though of course direct experience of this is going to always be king) but would love to get someone's take on this.

I can promise you, @Sahil Pandit isn't lying on that.

How many times do I need to address that I’m not angry at him? I have no interest in continuing this subject. I’ve addressed this. Don’t confuse criticism and an opinion and my own take with some emotional thing. I don’t care what he’s doing. He doesn’t anger nor do I care. I appreciate your concern nonetheless. Best of luck to you.

They’re divorced since the beginning of 2017. My mom is borderline psychotic and is turning into (I might as well say “is”) a hoarder. Something about seeing TJ Reeves and my dad in the same playing field made me chuckle a little bit (not at you, just kinda funny lol). I don’t mind TJ. I have the right to my opinion of him but it’s merely an opinion and he has the right to his. I know nothing about him, he knows nothing really about me. I’m brash and also blunt with criticisms as I don’t play games. Don’t confuse that with having anything against him and I will leave at that. My relationship with my dad - both our actual in person relationship and also my psychological relationship to him - is going to take time to mend. That’s not going to take a few solo retreats to address. Hence why I might see a psychoanalyst. Thanks for your feedback though. I do appreciate it. That goes for all the rest of you ❤️

I can't at home. I don't live on my own and I have a horrible relationship with my dad whose always home. I'm either alone walking around San Francisco all day by myself miserable and depressed, or at home with my Dad who I have to share a bed with at fucking 23 where my Dad plays the news ALL DAY at full volume where he debates talking to himself and just works from home all day, never leaving the house, and blames me for the source of his misery.

I don't have a problem with TJ. I reached out to him one time on Instagram and he went out of his way to give a lot of advice which I appreciated a lot. I made a critique on his take on Spiral Dynamics on the forum here and how I don't agree that much with it then he went off on me on Instagram and I think he blocked me or something and after that he started doing all the trash talking he does of Ralston, Leo, so on and so on and how he's mastered all this stuff before the age of 25 which, no matter how you slice it, is boloney. I'm sure he's a cool guy and everything, but that whole 20 year old arrogance (and I'm 23 keep in mind) is something I don't buy. In fact, arrogance regardless of the age. I don't know if what he's doing is really legitimate or honest though (that's just my skepticism but hey, hopefully I'm wrong and maybe he does radically change the world for the better. If he does, glad I'm wrong). What you see on camera and all that talk doesn't mean that person is actually implementing in their own life or even has implemented in their own life. Don't talk a good game. Show me your game. I have yet to see his game (as an athlete, consciousness, etc.). As far as the solo retreat, I do want to do that. I honestly just want to camp somewhere in isolation for a week (and I work at REI so I could get stuff cheap) or so but the problem is that I no longer have a car. I certainly can't at home because I don't live on my own. I live with my dad and brother who never leave home.

That and... my heart hast more direction than my mind is able to work with (hence the psychological trauma and baggage).

@Leo Gura @Joseph Maynor when I'm calmer I've been thinking about slowing down the pace in my mind and thinking "what if I moved out and instead of just jumping into life purpose work and start meditating my ass off (as though that's even doable at this point) I actually just invest for a solid year into an affordable therapy program like psychoanalysis?" I know @winterknight has talked about there being certain affordable psychoanalytic programs and I think this would really help just to make an early investment (I don't know how much it costs or anything) in my mental health. I got off all psych medications (all 5-6 of them at the beginning of 2018) but of course and as expected, that alone didn't solve anything and I think having someone to really help me with my blindspots would really help. I really do have a deep self-esteem problem, A LOT of deep seeded anger and hurt (which is why I both really want to do psychedelics now and why I've avoided them for so long. I want to know what's driving that thing. This animialistic like, aggressive, retaliating projection). Leo to your point on the vision part, I think the part for me too is something you described at the end of your Ox Herding video. Yes I know this all conceptually but... I know too much. I came into spirituality through an intense therapy program and came across that silly Sam Harris guided meditation with some self-inquiry and before I knew it I found you and my entire Atheist paradigm collapsed and everything. Meditation came in. The more I contemplated, though I haven't had any awakenings, the more I deconstruct my reality and not-know, the more magical everything is and I'm actually... happy by that. I went from being a Christopher Hitchens on steroids debater to studying all this stuff. I read memoirs of monks like Om Swami and Ryokan and I'm in tears because I'm reading something I've always known I've always wanted but at the same time never knew. I'm inspired by The Hero's Journey not because I care about being "a hero" but because, like in the very rich detail given by people like Ryokan & Om Swami and The Buddha and so on, you literally commit and have this resolve to something along the lines of "I sit here until I reach the end or I die," and I've always kinda had that thing about me in other things I've been passionate about. I don't want to be anybody. In yet at the same time... I do love running (in the mountains, trails, fast, easy etc.), writing, learning, etc. I don't necessarily want to just be another monk in robes that fits that category necessarily you know? As far as not wanting to be anyone though, that's why that poem by Ryokan draws me to tears every time I read it: The village has disappeared in the evening mist And the path is hard to follow. Walking through the pines, I return to my lonely hut. How do I say no at this point to the possibility that I can discover God? How do I say no to discovering who I really am? How do I say no to all of that and everything else? How the fuck do you turn your back on that possibility other than that you're so far behind in your development and in your actual life that you might've cornered yourself?

I'm not the only one noticing this then I guess. Even when I tried to "pull myself out of the bucket" I'm still not taking action though, namely because (at least from own estimation) I don't know what the fuck I want anymore. I don't know what I want to do, I don't really know (concretely) what my life purpose is, where I want my life to go, etc. There's no specific intention to drive actions, planning, strategy, etc.