Talkawuer

I haven't tried binaural beats or isochronic beats, but i can highly recommend this kind of background music while meditating:

Buddha and Eckhart Tolle says the same. And it is really disturbing first when you hear that "suffering is your making" especially when you are suffering. But when you are in a peaceful state and take a look what happened at that time of period, you will distinctly see that it's your making and nothing else. Btw. mind does great job to replicate/duplicate your suffering.

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. - Eckhart Tolle

Full enlightenment without physical death may not exist really. In the beginning Eckhart tells a story about a monk in a monastery, even they may be prisoned in the ego.

If we say Eckhart is yellow it could be because of this talk

I think there are varying degrees of enlightenment, just like stages. For instance on this video people are just having ecstatic enlightenment moments. Can we say they're enlightened beings, well i don't think so.

Sadhguru is yellow, if you're watching a lot of his videos you will understand why, most of his speeches are repetitive.

Papajiii

After having the experience we can be sure about this, when you look at this people they seem selfish from our perspective, but I'm not quite sure what do they experience;

In my opinion your situation seems depressive not suicidal, we need to have more information about this kind of modes of the mind. Because you're writing to this forum, you should be doing self help already but in whatever situation you are professional help is good, if you don't have this opportunity family and friends are so important. And here you write about your problem, but in real life you may hesitate to share this problem with your family and friends. And you may be hesitative yo get a professional help because don't want anybody to know this, you son't wanna seem weak etc. I've been in this situation but whenever you start breaking boundaries, it will continue like a snowball effect. I hope my points are clear here, please tell me if you have any questions about this.

“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.” ― Albert Camus

Whenever I have painbody attack, i will try to write next time. thanks for inspiration

How you manage your time is important, can you give some details, how many hours you were working, what you were doing in a day etc.

Exactly, but how can i communicate this situation that i have. Is it a strange loop or what?

It is hard, and it is a lot of work. But we just need to love the hero's journey, the journey itself but not where we are on this journey. "A man who conquers himself is greater than one who conquers a thousand men in battle." - Buddha

I too notice when i judge, but eventhough i watch it i still wan to do it, it's like a disease.