Milos Uzelac

Ah Great! Sorry just looked up where Alanya exactly is in Turkey. Turkish girls are also beautiful from the mixed bunch of genes spanning as far as multiethnicities present in the era of the Ottomann Empire and in short Anadolia being a very diverse cultural and ethnic region throughout history and also bordering very diverse nations in the Mid East ?? I am just at the moment having to learn some of the peculiarties and history of Hannafi school of Sunni Islam and of the the Ottomann variants of Dervish brotherhoods and Sufism and for a test for a subject about World Religions at my faculty. ?

@Epikur You will be surprised to find that there are a lot of young girls like that in slavic countries from Russia to the Balkans ?? In part, at least some argue here were I live, because of the history of a lot of genes getting mixed from a variety of peoples from different regions migrating to or conquering the regions from the Turks, Tatars, Slavs, Mongols to earlier the even the Vikings and in small part also Germanic tribes in the histories filled with mass migrations and conquests from different aforementioned conquerors.

@Bestia You summed it up better and with actual experience of living and working a part of your life in the country and then moving to another country for comparison better than I ever could! ?? I also have occasional thoughts of looking for away to try to escape from Serbia as well if I don't put into action plans that I have for maybe continuing to live her into actual effect.

"Imagination, imagining is like touching around yourself on a dark path or washing your eyes with blood. You are the Truth from head to toe! So what else would you want to know?" -- Jalāl ad-Dīn Mohammad Rūmī, Sufi poet, theologian and mystic etc.

I mostly heard and know this stuff about Navalny. However, it doesn't change the facts regarding the nature of Putin's and his cronies' rule in Russia. Destabilize Russia? You seem to put a false equivalency between Edina Rossija party and the Russian state and people as the same thing since no other party or group other than that centered around Putin was in power in Russia for more than 20 years to my knowledge. Stability is not always a central value to a state and country if the majority of your people have the risk of their freedoms being taken away from them or actively threaten or infringed upon and don't have a decent standard of living and if all the state officials are embroiled in a massive corruption scheme that spans decades that none can challenge and that's pushing the majority of your nation into a mediocre standard of living or in the worst-case scenario abject poverty.

"The Palace for Putin. History of the world's largest bribe." One of the best detailed expose of who Putin is and his cronies by Alexei Navalny and his team. It's long and in Russian with English subtitles but it is worth setting the time of if you want your myth and image of the persona of Putin busted open. The reference and the symbolism of the cover image of Putin with the golden sun spinning (or revolving) behind his head in the video is to the French Bourbon dynasty 17th century king Louie the 14th also known as the Sun King who is famous for being credited of saying the phrase: "The State that is Me!" Navalny did a magnificent job of exposing Putin for who and what he actually is to the world. Regardless of his political ideas, programms, plans and solutions to Russia's corruption and political problems. And with a magnificent and beautiful Baroque Harpsichord and strings opening song title track at that!

Hvala ti na uveravanju i bodrenju oko toga, nadam se i ja da ce od sada nakon tih raygovora sve ici vise manje uzlaznom linijom Haha naravno potpuno te razumem kako se osećaš po tom pitanju. Pretpostavljam da već svakako znaš da većina ljudi ovde koja žive u gradu se tako osećaju, nažalost više ili manje, naravno kada su spremni da se otvore oko toga i priznaju Ali barem pozitivna tačka ex-YU država i ostataka njihovih tekovina iz socijalizma je barem ta mogućnost besplatnog školstva i državnog finansiranja ako si posvećen i vredan student , čiju sam mogućnost ja nažalost više manje profućkao pa cu od sada po svojoj prilici morati da sam da nastavim finansiram svoje obrazovanje u budućnosti, ali oko čega na Zapadu, iako nikada nisam živeo tamo nego sam samo rođen, koliko sam čuo i upućen sam nemaš baš puno mogućnosti i prilika da te pripomaže sistem oko obrazovanja i dosta si više prepušten sam da finansiraš svoje obrazovanje bez puno pripomoći od države i sl.

Hvala ti puno na odgovoru i na uveravajucim recima podrske! Izvini sto nisam ulazio na sajt i odgovorio bio sam po obicaju u haosu i upetljao sam se i sa psihijatrijom prosle nedelje iz koje polako sada zelim da se izvucem i prevazidjem. Inace idem svake nedelje jos od pre otprilike dva meseca kod jedne zene psihologa da resavam ove navike i da imam sa nekim da razgovoram na dubljem nivou o ovim stvarima. Tako da koristim ove resurse koje trenutno imam za pokrivanje troskova tih sastanaka i da se polako normalizujem i stabilizujem da bih bio funkcionalan u nekim blizem periodu i za rad u nekom trenutku pored fakulteta. Hvala ti jos jedno na podrsci i na uveravajucim recima kontekstualizacije mog polozaja sa onim to vec prolaze, sto su prosli i suocavaju se i suocilo se i bezbroj drugih studenata i pre mene i sada, ovde gde zivim i drugde u svetu!

Hvala ti što si javio i izvini što nisam odmah odgovorio. Nisam ulazio na sajt dugo jer sam imao momente gde sam digao ruke od svega i trenutno sam se već duže vremena od Novembra i kada sam prestao od Januara da se posvetim redovnom učenju za ispite i predmete u sledećem semestru a pogotovo sada poslednjih par nedelja u Februaru i Martu gde sam s zavukao se tu kod babe gde sam bukvalno parazitirao od novca od porodične penzije koju dobijam od pokojne majke što pohađam redovne studije, na koje imam pravo do 26. godine i od babine penzije koju dobija od dede kao supruga dede koji je bio vojno lice. Gledam sada da se vratim redovnom učenju i da se discplinujem oko toga da položim bar neke predmete do kraja Oktobra iako sam zbog nesvesnih, sebičnih i jako loših poteza profućkao mogućnost da ostvarim budžet ove godine a time i mogućnost uopšte do kraja studija, jer jedina bila prilika za to da pokušam ove godine. Toliko sam sebe zapustio i ulenjio se oko ustajanja u toku dana i imao momente prošle nedelje gde se ispaljivao i nisam se javljao nijednom bliskom drugaru do sada, samo im nisam odgovorio na poruke i što sam prekinuo duže kontakt sa rodbinom sa mamine strane zbog neuspeha oko studija i mog ne javljanja njima zbog odlaganja i lenjosti. Inače ako mogu da te pitam jel moguće da nekako promenim ime naloga na forumu da mi ne stoji više puno ime i prezime. Brine me zbog pretrage strane nekih budućih poslodavaca ako bi iskočilo ako bi me tražili na pretraživaču i ako bi mi odmah iskočilo moje ime sa objavama na ovom forumu i slično država ovde na čelu sa vladajućom partijom je imala priličan totalitarni zaokret u poslednjih nekoliko godina (primer. Iskaču mi oglasi na Jutjubu od strane Ministarstva odbrane za konkurse za pohađanje vojnih škola i akademija za mlade koji su mi izašli samo zato što imam navedene podatke o svom godištu u Google nalogu i još se razmišlja da se ponovo uvede obavezni vojni rok za mlade koji završe srednju školu i napune 18. godina nakon što ukinut još od 2006. godine u Srbiji). Izvini zbog nepismenosti i gramatičkih grešaka hteo sam samo što pre ovo da ispišem jer ti nisam odgovorio još od kada si me lepo upitao za stanje pre skoro sada dve nedelje. Ukratko brine me, između ostalog, što nemam jasan plan za budućnost i što se nisam potrudio ovih par meseci kada je nastupila va lična i porodična kriza nakon dedine smrti što se nisam potrudio da sotanem fokusiran da razvijam, svaki dan, barem malo po malo, neke veštine, talente i disciplinu (osim delimičnog znanja Engleskog) koju bih već sada mogao da upotrebim na tržištu rada da počnem da zarađajem za sebe da bih se osetio da sam sposoban da živim za sebe i da izdržavam sebe u ovoj situaciji. I brine me i porodična situacija, da ne ulazim sada previše, u budućnosti nakon što moja baba, sa kojom živim sada, bude preminula u nekom periodu, da budem otvoren o čemu sam razmišljao. Hvala ti puno što si javio i ponudio da izdvojiš da saslušaš moje tugovanke i kompleks mentaliteta žrtve koji sam sebi nažalost duboko ukorenio i usadio lošim navikama, već nekoliko godina u nazad kada pogledam sebe i svoje postupke u retrospektivi i unazad, i na kojeg sam nisam dovoljno posvetio da radim da ublažavam i umanjujem u svakodnevnom životu i u interakcijama sa drugim ljudima.

I am not able to cope any longer, to sweep my emotions under the rug and keep the appearance of calmness in order to not hurt or please people and to go through the next work-week and upcoming text for English next week, which I need to study for today, tomorrow, and in Sunday, through the force of my own will, my body patterns, emotions, and mental focus and sharpness is wearing me down and tiring me too much for me being able to do it through force and reasoning and boasting myself as an earlier and through pure force of will. I need to discuss with someone my thoughts and emotions that have been plaguing me and suicidal imaginations and thoughts about my current life situation , my imagined and felt mother's connection with me and my imagined feelings of her feelings that she went through when she committed suicide and the similar behavior patterns, emotional patterns and reasoning and thought patterns that I notice sometimes, and now more oftenly within myself and that I display that I share with her in that regard and I can't discuss it with my family. I couldn because I need to keep a calm and collected veneer for them in order for me to not upset them and hurt them and I don't know currently what friends I would be able to discuss this with without it being too much for them and I don't know if I can afford to see a therapist again in my current sensitive life circumstances, not so much financial but familial wise. ( When several times now I feel a sudden surge of fear or was in a panicked mode, also from some thoughts and emotions that I had and I couldn't let go off of myself and my current life situation and family circumstances I went into and sat to meditate no my grandfather's bed, where my mother at the time, also when she was staying here in my grandparents home, was situated and lied on when she committed suicide in 2006. when I was 7., I felt an urge and impulse to go into that room that is in dark and lie down or sit down to meditate because I couldnt keep myslef collected and my body calm, and not nervous when I sat down to finish studying of chapters for my in English at Monday. I had thoughts and emotions of my mother that surfaced up about her final hours and thoughts and feelings during them on that bed and my and family's and wider relatives resulting life trajectory from that event. There were mixed feelings and thoughts of grudge towards my mother from reasoning that she was responsible for the lacks in my upbringing for not being there and to teach me herself the strength, calm and endurance that she had when she was healthy and very succesful in her carreer and life, for deciding to move back to Serbia where people and life seem to much more difficult to deal with than in Canada and that I would have more of a sense of security for my future, job security not dependent on social connections and skills, which I currently l feel I severly lack her now due to my own huge wasted proportion of time in addictions, faults, missed experiences and opportunties in working on, cultivating and keeping social connections and relationships with people I felt at moments hared a similiarity with in terms of my life situation, interests, skills or personality, that I didn't work during my adolescent years and my 20's that most kids my age have been taught,clearned and mastered up until this point and have adapted to the rules of adult world here and know how to effectively and rationally deal with them in order to move forward in life and for putting me in the life situation that I am in currentlly now with my father and feelings that I want to escape this and join her and that I somehow need to muster the strength and endurance to meet the demands and challenges ahead that are in front of me). Sorry for the grammar errors, I am writing this in a pretty desperate state just to get some things out of me that I have been sweeping under the rug and were unable to emotionally and reasonably open up to anyone in an adequate way in order to not just complain to anyone as an excuse to avoid work and challenges in life that I have to do and that is in front of me going ahead. I will write more clearly in the future once I reasonably start to manage and articulate all these things and thought, emotinal and survival patterns that have been a heavy toll on me over this and last week, sorry for not being able to currently correct it now my whole body tense up and my mind can't really cope with it when I tried to do it. I felt I needed to talk to someone, who can show me some compassion and understand me slightly about my thoughts and emotions, because I was unable today to no longer sweep it under the rug and keep my will and reasoning ability with people, situations and demands from reality in check, I felt and thought at moments, when I sat down to meditate for 20 minutes in my grandafther's room an hour ago, that I wanted to escape all of this by ending myself as an easier, less painful and less demanding route, and had thoughts and emotions come up about being willing to reincarnate as a bug or some other animal, but then feelings of guilt of not betraying the people that rely on me and some blurry memory from my childhood some short time after my mother commited suicide of me at 7. or 8. year's old answering to my father who asked me: ''If I would kill myself now, son, would you kill yourself with me." and answering to him: ,,No dad, I don't know about you but I want to live life.'' which caused me to wimper a bit and shed a tear afterwards when I rembered it, but at the same time led me to encourage myself in my head to not give up and to face what's ahead of me. Sorry for writing in this manner I couldn't keep my thoughts and emotions clear, and was slightly unable and unwilling to invest mental focus and labor to write this more clearly and conscisely for people who read it to understand better, sorry for the succumbing to selfishness in that regard. Thank's to anyone who is willing to have a conversation with me and willing to listen to my problems.

I am contemplating suicide now at some point daily for the past two months. I have severely undermined my ability to care for my fate and for the fate of others. I am refusing to accept the pressure that is expected from me from a part of my family from my father's side, my deceased grandfather and my grandmother and father, to be enduring and become strong and independent with completing my goal of passing exams for some subject and achieving state-financed studying next year or self-finance but finding and earning a living from some employment or job to pay for it. What's pushing me forward is the possibility of still being able to achieve this. But I have rejected a lot of the theories and advice on this channel on how to get out some misconceived notion of my pride. The main mental and life situation problems are stoping me from seizing all responsibility for my life in my hands and wanting to fulfill my dreams and wishes for my future self: 1. I consistently refuse or don't have the strength and endurance to stand up to my father now who raised me as a kid and was always there with me and buying me stuff when I was a child and I deluded myself mentally even though I am feeling bad when I do this that I don't want to do this because he is equally dependent on me because of my deceased mother's pension as well as I on him because he buys me stuff that I need and gives me food in our apartment that we inherited from my deceased mother's savings that made it possible to purchase it. 2. My lack of caring for anyone including myself even though I amused myself with a newly released documentary by Adam Curtis last weekend 3. A constant or consistent sense of alienation and being a stranger to the patterns of this country that I live in (Serbia) dominant culture and values and life patterns when I walk through society and do everyday life activities 4. My refusal to accept that I need to be strong and struggle now for the sake of not just myself but others in my family - the state of deep alienation, nihilism, and a consistent lack of love and caring for others and thinking about others feelings in my family and their history (which I now know but fail to appreciate their struggle and life and for the need and the pressure for me to carry on the torch that they have worked so hard and sacrificed in their life for - to have decedent and a grandson and son that is strong, independent, and will care for them and appreciate and somehow pay back what they did for him), alive and deceased, that take care of me and have given so much to me when I was a kid and later when I was an adolescent and studying here for my exams while my grandfather was alive and with my grandmother. 5. The deep sense of betrayal that I feel I have inflicted on my previous envisioned goals and values therefore on those that wanted me (especially my deceased mother) that wanted me to be successful and carry on the torch to care for myself and my father, her and my grandmother and grandfather and to the part of her family that is still alive and especially my young little sister and aunt and uncle and grandmother and grandfather which I avoided and missed an opportunity to call and hear from on a short state holiday here - because I wanted to watch and see all the parts of Adam Curtises newly released docuseries on the history and causes of the current state of power in the world and it's sourced in the modern world and how it came to be in order to then have a mental power trip that I know and care about what other people fail to see or don't care about all in surviving their day to day lives. 6. The lack of empathy which I now feel to my closest family - my grandmother, father, and aunt how I am in most regular contact with - and sense of not feeling love and care towards them - and not caring for myself 7. Feeling that I am a degradation and degeneration of my grandfather's character, social standing, and life achievements and accomplishments and willpower, and my father's 8. I am forgetting what I promised people I know and I am friends with would do and then not doing then and then still approaching them to ask them how they are - out some vague emotional impulse - even though I completely forgot and didn't do what they asked me to do. 9. If I can talk to someone via zoom or any other platform to better articulate and express this emptiness and total lack of care which I sometimes feel towards my self and to my family's reaction of my state and thoughts and plans and feelings (which popped up consistently from time to time over to find a way to roll over, give up and lie down in my mother's apartment and kill myself and die together with my father (who I know still wants to live I think even for himself - because I suspect he finds meaning and purpose and satisfaction in teaching skillfully and talentedly English and German in order for them to mostly leave the country and have better opportunities and earn more while working abroad (mostly in Germany) where they have to know some of the languages) There are so many thoughts of regret and betrayal that are streaming through my awareness even when I sit still and close my eyes, I am having spasms and contriving my muscles around my faces even when I sit still to contemplate for just 10 minutes and I am shaking my legs from the anxiety but it calms down after the end of the session. I am having resistance reimmersing myself in Leo's content because I have lost the faith in myself that I am able to apply it in order to save myself and my life from these feelings and impulses that are threatening to lead me to death, dying, and self-annihilation and feel the loss of faith of is still applicable in going through and surviving in society. When I am writing this I realize the total lack of my own self-awareness to the response of others to this - I have stopped caring truly about how it will impact other people - I am consumed with my own negative thoughts and anxieties about my own future. The excuses in find are caring about my father's approval and love, my deeply imagined connection with him when he raised me as a child and after my mother passed away and the role and mission I have which I feel failed miserably is to be a sort of calm and collected, mentally strong and introverted person for him while - like a replacement of my mother's character for him I imagined - for him to keep moving forward in life and to see my mother's dream fulfilled of me growing up into a strong and independent figure as she imagined herself to be and certainly had to prove for it in her life achievements and stories that people told about her character and personality. I try to think that I writing this for you guys who kindly and put the effort to respond to me and give me advice two months ago and a month ago in this thread when the patterns of this procrastinated existential crisis came to the fold triggered by the realization of my grandfather's passing and the need that I can't hide just under the responsibility of being a student but also grown adult and earning a living for myself. All the resistance, all the mental and emotional labor and hardships, all the distractions, and all the excuses revolve around refusing to be independent and to take responsibility for my own decisions and their consequences, letting go that I have to always be at the disposal of my father, letting go of the past and the idea of being lesser in life than my grandfather and mother in terms of character and life-achievements and also my father to an extent. I am still feeling that it's my father partial fault in raising me where I had to consistently when he was not caring or empathizing with another be the devil's advocate in that situation and be emotional and empathizing with one and when I failed at this (even though this I reconstructed it in my thoughts and the head is the seeds of me not taking responsibility for myself and forcing myself to become independent for failing to earn state-financed studying and retreating into video games and pornography in 2018. away from the social reality and my peers in that year and as a result becoming severely depressed and isolated (feelings which I later forgot about and repressed) willingly admitting myself into a psychiatric clinic for adolescents to get a psychiatrists approval of being able to re-start the year on state finance again - this money trap - that would provide a sense of security for me and my father who just recently got a job as a private teacher of English and German in a private school. The motive behind me writing this is so that I can express somewhere the things inside me that I thought about and felt often about my current life situation and that ate me away inside and that led me to this state of severe lack of love and care about others and the effort to reach out to them and help them that afflicts me now. And the hope if someone has the time and effort to go through this and have a conversation with me so I can peel layer after layer of this of and express my emotions and thoughts more clearly and articulately through writing - which I deeply regret not doing each time a million thoughts, images, and bad feelings connected with them rushed through my head - so I can better understand their source and their cause and return to it once they reappear. My deep underlying emotional and thought attachment I had over the past couple of months the idea of me fighting for myself, resisting my father's demands and caprices, and arguing against him and them in order to focus on me and striving to become independent of him equalling casting my father away and a sense of attachment and dependence I had with him ever since I was a kid - a sense that I have a strong bond with him, especially after my mother passed away, that I can't just severe away through force. And this I feel is one of the factors, the unwillingness to stand up for myself and strive to become an independent self-reliant and self-motivated, and directed individual of him as I emotionally felt that It meant letting go of my father and care about his state and feelings - even though he is now a very negative, toxic and self-oriented person a lot of the time - and he has been in this state of giving up on fighting for himself and for living an independent life as an adult and taking care of himself and his health ever since my mother passed away - and the period when he didn't work and when we lived on only my deceased mother's pension - which I now by constantly having a need to return to the past and what I lost and missed opportunities in it and chances that I would imagine would radically influence the development of my habits and character. P.S. I wrote all this when I was in a very bad emotional and mental state two days ago, but for the reason of being fearful of posting it in this unfinished form that night when I wrote it, I procrastinated on it and left this text unposted out of the feeling that I am writing gibberish to myself and not asking for a coherent response and answers with advice and some principles from people in order to really re-read them and try to start applying them in my life in order make myself feel better and start fixing my unhealthy state of mind and emotion with the motive of getting all these thoughts and feelings that I felt at that time out of me, in order to also feel that I have very slightly reintegrated into this site's community and teachings and lessons after a long time of being inactive and procrastinating of coming back out of the guilt that I have betrayed people who wanted to help me and remind of me the principles, although I had episodes of these thoughts and feelings occurring when I am alone at night. So in the following post on this thread, I will try to outline and describe so it can be clearly understood after a period of contemplation and self-reflection on myself, my state of mind and emotion the following: 1. My current life and lifestyle main sins and problems. I emphasize the word sin here - because I had feelings and thoughts when contemplating on my self, my current life situation, my relationships with people who are related to me and close in the sense of family (especially my aunt from my deceased mother's side and her little daughter (though not so little now as she turned 12 last year) or my little cousin (though the closeness demand implied from the start was that I would be like her actual older brother - which I thoroughly often think and feel that I have miserably failed one by not seeing here or calling her more often when I had objectively plenty of free time to ask how she was doing and what she was doing for the last almost 3 - 4 years in retrospect) ,and my responses and behavior to the environment and people around me that I need to urgently start redeeming myself if I want to save myself (my biological life in the literal sense of wanting and having the will to live), my humanity, compassion towards myself and others, my rationality and mental health in order to be functional in society and have the ability to properly work and perform tasks in the employment field in order to be able to earn a living for myself and eventually learn to be slightly independent and self-reliant on my life in contrast with my current lifestyle and family dependence and finally my sanity and satisfaction with myself and my life. 2. An apt description of my current state of mind and feelings - though I should probably move all these points in a journal. 3. Being grateful for being born as I am and who I am and thinking of how to express that gratefulness and pay it back to people who made it possible and the person who wanted me to be born and alive in my conception and in the first place (First and foremost my deceased mother towards who I now often feel numbing guilt I have betrayed in terms of the life and achievements that I would accomplish at this point in my ad and what she wanted for me and in turns of finding a way to make her, her personality and life achievements are known to other people and living a blog and trace of her appearance and biography somewhere online - because I thoroughly often think and feel guilty of and guilt about that she deserved it from my father and me in terms of what she did for us, our lives and what kind of life that we now live she made possible for us), my grandmother (who I have at crucial times hurt, betrayed promises towards and mistreated in the past three months after my grandfather passed away) even though she didn't deserve it all and she is always ready to help me and take care of me and is las she said openly to myself what is driving her to live is the desire and wish too see me become mature and become independent and my own 'man' and to see me happy about myself and my life because that, as I have seen and felt, makes her happy. 4.Underpinning and explaining the recurring feeling I have of why I have the feeling I don't deserve anything or a lot of the things I have now in my life (including the people close to me, friends, material status, and source of revenue, etc.) which is causing the effect of me having a numbing depressive feeling and a deep sense of alienation from my former self and to others close to me. Note: I will finish this text after I go out to see a friend tonight here and will temporarily post it now in this unedited form and will edit it later.

@No Self @kag101 @evgn I am sorry to all of you for ignoring your advice and not being willing and not checking afterward about the rest of the responses that appeared on this thread for life situation advice and answers for me. I am re-visiting this thread because I had a similar mind and emotional hit just now similarly when I wrote this thread when I was reading from and studying from a book for an English exam on 15th of November, this time I attempted to force myself to study and stay focused to read a more demanding and thicker book that I need to read as a part for an obligatory written paper I need to send for a crucial exam on 29th of December, under similarly felt crucial life obligation circumstances and challenges, when I wrote this thread the strong thought identification pattern with my mother and of me reliving a part her state of being right after she committed suicide 15 years ago exactly on 25th of December 2005. as my father told me on Saturday and he felt similarly strong emotional pressure and composure difficulties because of the nearing of that date that he justified as the reason why he mistreated and yelled out of panic and fear at my grandmother, which I now live with, for being suspicious she will leave a larger part of my passed grandfather's apartment to his sister than him and emerged used to justify the strongly felt victim mentality that I can't do this now for my life, challenge and mental growth sake and for the sake of other's, especially financially my father, who's consequences of me not being able to give enough exam's means that I will lose my mother's pension which helps me finance my studies in the first place and which my father relies on to cover the expenses of his apartment and which means I would lose the ability to finance my studies and would have to find and work a job with no qualifications and almost no work experience and skills. Sorry again for not responding to your comments and advice earlier and taking them heart during that time a month ago but I will re-read them and strive to take them to the heart during this very critical and hard time for me in order to achieve some of the necessary tasks I need to accomplish in order to be able to participate in exams that my main motives, thoughts, and feelings during the day now direct me and push me towards achieving them for financial as well as for above-mentioned reasons but also a part of me that I try to re-surface through short meditation routines during the day from time to time for needing to experience this as a challenge that will determine will I be able to do this for the sake of me being fulfilled, relatively secure of remaining a student for the next couple of months and not needing to leave faculty as a result immediately and look for a job and happy and other people that partly rely on me and the outcome of these exams obligations and upcoming exams that I need to register.

@UDT Thanks for replying and for the offer I have driven myself to a point of being very mentally and physically unstable up to this point. So I am at inability to chat with people currently. I don't know we are different time-zones so it will maybe be difficult to manage via zoom.

My grandfather, Milan Uzelac, with whom I have been often living together, on an on/off basis, shifting my stay in my late mother's and father's apartment and grandfather's apartment, with my grandmother in a 21-story building apartment complex, that he received as compensation and reward for his military services and as a higher-ranking officer in the Yugoslav's People's (or National) Army, for almost two years now since I turned 20, has passed away suddenly, since we are all shocked when informed about it, last Sunday on 27th September 2020. at 11:30 pm CEST. He was 85 years old and would turn 86, on January 6th (or 7th - this uncertainty is due to an error about the date of his birth on his birth certificate that was issued when he was born in 1935.). We managed to get ourselves together, my father, aunt, grandmother, and I, and to pay for the organizing of a military funereal for him, since he reached the rank of lieutenant-colonel in the YNA (or YPA) Airforce Division at the time of his retirement in 1991. and because he, immediately after his retirement in YNA, also set out, to go and serve as local commander of a military volunteer division in the region of Lika, where my grandfather was born in 1935. and where most of his family and relatives were from, and near the city of Udbina in today's Croatia, on the side of the short-lived political entity, Republic of Srpska Krajina, at the start of the outbreak of the war in Croatia from 1991. till the temporary ceasefire in 1992., that was held on October 1st, 2020. at 13:30 pm CEST at Novo-bežanijska graveyard in the municipality of Bežanijska Kosa, in Belgrade. I would also share, as part of my personal journal on introspecting my past relationships with my grandfather and my current relationships with the images and memories that I have of him in my mind, and what he meant to me, in the past while he was alive in different periods of my life, and means to me now when he is gone. I want to post images, from the funereal of my grandfather held on Thursday here, not as an attempt to propagandize or mythologize the personality, life, and life-achievements and decisions of my grandfather, in order to gain consensus and approval from people that might want to view this thread that my grandfather was a person that stood out from common people with the way he was as a personality and the way he decided to strive to live his life and what he managed to achieve, learn and do in his life-span in the age he lived in most, but in order, for me to better understand, from the vantage point of this personal development forum, of how I acted, behaved and was in this event and how I see my grandfather now and the meaning of what my relationship was and could have been and what was and is the relationship of the rest my close family towards my grandfather in the past and what it is now, and how does that relate and what does that mean for the quality and nature of relationship that the rest of my close family now has with me. I hope the pictures and contents of this post are not against forum guidelines and don't get interpreted the wrong way, my intent for posting them, as of now, is for my own relationship introspective reasons and, partly I admit as an experimental springboard for finding an adequate format and place for honoring my grandfather's life and passing by writing excerpts about his biography on some online format seeable and readable in English, in order for it to be available and understandable to as many people as possible, and as, I have been feeling and had feelings and thoughts about it pop up continually as of late, as necessary part or threshold barrier, for my own personal development and for better understanding myself and why I am here.

Could these two, seemingly contradictiory, statements both be true: 1.) That the U. S. government, military and intelligence services sanctioned counter-intelligence operations (dumping seemingly legit military memos, and intelligence service reports, that were actually fabricated, to selected individuals that saw some peculiar flying objects), in a grander attempt to deliberately mislead and convince large parts of the American public, to believe that some outoworldly flying objects they saw in the sky, were of some extraterrestrial origin, in order, to hide the fact, that what they saw were actually newly technologically advanced military aircraft and weapons program's developed by the US government and military, that they were testing out in secrecy, in order to gain military and technological advantage over another great power (the USSR for example during the time of the 80's and 90's, when there was as an explosion of reported UFO sightings), in order, for them, to prevent it from being leaked in the general public as highly technologically advanced aircraft, so as to potentially not allow other competing great powers intelligence services, through dumbfounded U. S. civilians, to acquire or get some military intelligence, info on those aircraft. 2) That still, some of those sighted peculiar aircraft, were actual UFOs, not developed by any nation's government or military, of unknown, possibly extraterrestrial, non-human origin.

https://www.transform-network.net/blog/article/party-of-the-radical-left-founded-in-serbia/ The new party resulted from the transformation of the Social Democratic Union (SDU) – a process in which student movement activists participated as well as members of the Left Summit of Serbia and DiEM25 – which led to the most significant unification of Serbian left forces in the last thirty years. The PRL (Party of the Radical Left/Partija Radikalne Levice) announced that the last SDU congress represented the end point of a process of the process of left unification in Serbia initiated in 2018. SDU members adopted the new political programme (Declaration of Workers’ Rights) and the necessary statutory changes. According to the new programme, the PRL will ‘fight for a socialist society based on equality, solidarity, freedom, democracy, internationalism, anti-imperialism, and anti-fascism, a society in which people will be more important than profit’. The congress also elected a presidency that will consist of five members: historian Milena Repajić; sociologist Isidora Aćimov; playwright Ivan Velisavljević, activist Ivan Zlatić and student Mina Milošević. ''We stand in favour of a radical, fundamental change of the social system and building a socialist society. In that sense, the PRL is moving the political spectrum in Serbia to the left'', member of the presidency Milena Repajić, stated for Mašina. Ivan Velisavljevic, another member of the PRL presidency, says that the new party is close to the members of the Party of the European Left: Especially those in the region, such as the Workers’ Front from Croatia and the Left from Slovenia, as well as other workers’, left, eco-socialist and so-called red-green parties around the world. Repajić and Velisavljević explained that the new party will not wait long to show the public what it stands for: ''Literally this morning we joined forces with the Joint Action Roof Over Your Head on preventing an eviction in Dalmatinska Street in Belgrade. We are simultaneously preparing the forming of all governing bodies, says Velisavljević. Now that the party is founded we finally have a clear political articulation of the struggles we are waging in the form of the new Programme and the Declaration of Workers’ Rights, which we will present to the public'', Repajić explains. The PRL programme indicates aspects of political struggle to which this party aims to contribute: ''We will work in favour of Serbia being a secular republic in which dignified work free from exploitation, a roof over one’s head, healthy food and environment, free healthcare and education, gender equality and minority rights are guaranteed.'' I.K., M.M. Translation from Serbian: Iskra Krstić

Honestly, I as well, given the possibility of the trajectory of some future critical events unfolding in this region.

I am having anxieties over that too. There is especially a high probability of that becoming a possibility for this region (due to the stage of it's relative infrastructural, cultural and collective consciousness lower tier of development on the whole of the populace, though I assume that differs from some countries over other countries in the Western, Eastern Balkans, Greece etc. (the more infrastructural developed ones, I assume are slightly more advanced in the collective consciousness on the whole average of the populace than those that are lagging behind in that area)) of movements and new leaders of them springing up, that will cater and rise on capitalizing on that immigrant and refugee fear of difference and the unknown (which was and is still, I can attest for my personal experiences, form shortly interacting with some of my relatives that lived near immigrant and refugee asylums, present and palpable from the 2015/16 crises in some, I think though most, parts of the population here, especially in rural areas) and promising them safety and security if they start living again, thinking, and believing in the pattern of the "us vs them" mutually exclusionist binary rooted in some conspiratorial thinking that the leaders of those new movements start relying on, in order to gain power and expand their interest, and actively encourage and enforce it in being reproduced through institutions and adjacent, and controlled media houses in mainstream society.

Yes, that may seem on the outset from a glance, but in Serbia's political context and tradition, in the past thirty years (and even in the second half of the 19th and at the beginning 20th century), one of the three actual largest parties in the past three decades, in terms of gained votes each election, support among the electorate and parliamentary share of delegates, since the institutionalization of multiparty elections in the '90s, had the name Radical in it and was called the Radical Party (e.g. ''the Serbian Radical Party'') and the name radical became associated with them in popular discourse (not to necessarily mean fringe or beyond the pale of acceptable, but to mean a sort of people's will and being an avid patriot, nationalist, etc.) and the party supporters and leadership were often nicknamed ''the radicals". (In fact, the current ruling party leadership and a lot of their other lower officials and members, that have currently a pretty strong grip on power over the government and adjacent key institutions, were former Serbian Radical Party higher-ups and officials, that left that party and went on the form their own party, then rebranded themselves with the name "progressive" in the middle ("the Serbian Progressive Party"), but fundamentally saved a lot of the same or similar policy positions in most areas and approaches to domestic and regional politics, even though they are more subtle about it and not explicit and open about it as the radicals were.) So in terms of our political discourse, the word radical has different connotations and a different popular imagination that goes behind it than in some other countries. And has to do with the peculiar history of this region and it's general position and status in international affairs. It may seem to you, if you live in a developed country, with a continual tradition of competition for power between more traditional and longer-established parties (e.g. the various derivations of Liberals, Conservatives, Social-Democrats, Green Environmental Parties in most Western countries), that compete within a frame of what, was till now traditionally acceptable within moderate electoral politics and moderate policies (often in the context of internal national politics, and not so much in regards to foreign policy), that a party that is competing for electoral power with the name radical, suggesting some radical shift in approach in terms of established political conduct, regimes, and culture, might not be able to gain any meaningful power or survive as a party in that environment. But here the discourse is different and the way power is organized is more centralised and in the few main larger cities and the capital of the country (which alone holds about one-fifth or one-sixth of the population of about 7 million people), and party names and party programs they are used to hint at, are used to signal much more about foreign policy positions than domestic in a lot of cases (as is very often the case with developing, neocolonial (in terms of economic dependence and lack of sovereignty over some areas political decision-making) countries that are on the half-periphery of the current global power distribution system) and to hint at the of what direction of the alignment towards blocs of geopolitical and global economic power and influence should the country be most oriented towards in striving to work on and cultivate deeper cooperations, relationships and dependence (e.g. the West or the East, the NATO Alliance or Russia and China, America or China, etc.). One of their aims, I speculate, from reading their programs, policies, and agendas on their Facebook page and other sites, is to as well try to return the term radical (''meaning aiming at changing the foundations at the way things are or shifting the foundational aspects of a current system") in Serbian popular political discourse in a different veneer and context, that's more truthful with the term's actual meaning, and re-take it from former political parties that became associated with that name and misused it for another purpose, and have people associate the word radical now in political discourse in Serbia with the left-wing or with the real social-democrats, instead of the former ultra-nationalist party (that is now marginal in electoral politics) that went with word radical in it's name and that has now through its former higher-ups rebranded itself, even though it's a different party, in essence, it's the radicals former leadership that has formed it, as ''the Serbian Progressive Party". Their first main aims and goals that are in their immediate first focus, is for them to get some actual opposition delegates into the parliament and to free it up for some actual political opposition voices since there exists no actual opposition in parliament as of now, it's compromised of the ruling "progressive" party delegates, that has the majority of seats in parliament, from gaining 60% of the vote (of the about 40% election turnout rate among the whole population) in the last parliamentary elections across the country held in July, and can essentially with that majority form their own government without needing any other party to be in coalition with it. However, in order for them there to retain a veneer, of multiparty competitive democracy, and not appear to be an overt one-party state rule political party and get called on the legitimacy their rule internationally, they have included a newer tiny "parasitical" party [and also probably connected, I speculate, by some shared investment share or other shared economic interest], with no concrete policy deviations from the ruling party or a hint of actual resistance and holding them accountable, and few slightly larger more traditional parties to form and have an international appearance of a multiparty coalitional government, that have in Serbian political life for the past 20 years existed for serving that purpose - being a party for forming coalitions with and governments with whatever and whoever is the ruling party to retain a veneer of parliamentary democracy , and have used them to form this monolithic opposition-less parliament in order for them to have a veneer of a properly functioning parliamentary deomcracy while they de facto control, hold and surveil all other branches of government and run the whole country themselves as much as possible, as much as international, other powerful influences and global economic constraints allow. So the main goal for them is to get the minimum census of required votes for having and getting some oppositional voices in the parliament, to have the voices of those who have been forgotten and abandoned heard in it, that mostly compromise the lower, working, and lower-middle classes andthe mostly rural parts of the country, because of their lack of resources (by that I mean social, institutional, cultural (in terms of knowledge and degrees)) in their possession, and because of their material situation, and to actually fight to have representation for them and their interest, and not leave them to be blackmailed in terms job-retention in the public sector, bribed for better job opportunities, chances and financial benefits by the ruling party administrative complex in order to vote for them and/or because they are not part of in the membership of the ruling party voting base where the party has a strong local pressence, and in order for it not to be just convenient front for a political dictatorship from the almost all-encompassing current executive branch, headed by one man, the both the ruling, and in practice, totalitarian, party head and current president of the country for the next year, till the next presidential elections, and predetermined "FOUR MORE YEARS!" Trump supporters chant, that is, and that has become a predetermined actuality and realization of the politics of governing of the shrunken and monolithic political landscape here. They are not, I think, at all close, to get the votes and the support they need win the elections for the candidate they put forward for the presidential elections in Serbia, since for some time now there exists a de facto a dictatorship of a one-man and the party his the head of and heading here. The main goal is to win over a part of the parliament and to revive it to again being an actual institution for people's representation in politics, and save it from its current use as a hollow, parasitical limb for the political totalitarianism of the ruling party and dictatorship of the executive branch. I think a heavy hard-hitting external event that has an existential threat for the stability of the country and its economy needs to happen for it to become even close to a realistic possibility in the next couple of years or a decade (like a start of climate crisis mass migration waves and refugees and immigrants settling in, from underdeveloped, poor and different culture countries, from the South, in large parts of rural or parts of metropolitan Serbia, as a result, of it). Most of the large parts of the countries populace are still entrenched in and held together through blue consciousness (with residues of Red from it's bursting into the collective consciousness in the Civil War Era years in the '90s) solidarity, cultural cohesion, and variations of nationalist and Orthodox Christian ideologies and beliefs and there are also large parts of orange-consciousness and more rational, adaptive, educated, wealthier and well-off consumer lifestyle, and material success and individual achievement-oriented parts of the country, but with still large layers of blue consciousness residues and left-overs in them, in metropolitan areas, and Green-based consciousness is mostly present in parts in some academic institutions and in sprinkling student movements and parts of the general population, this is according to my own personal, not a lot at all experiences through various interaction and dealings with them and different parts of the country outside of Belgrade, assessment of the country.

Anthropologist David Graeber, of whom I have first heard off as an often quoted reference in some of my student literature, died on 2th September in Venice at 59 years of age, from internal bleeding due to an unknown cause yet to be determined by an autopsy. He was also an anarchist activist and one of the main organisers of the Occupy Wall Street movement in 2011. and helped coined the slogan, from which that movement often came to be associated with, "We are the 99%". Here an interview on DemocracyNow! about his activism at Occupy and exceprts about his talk on his 2011. published book ,, Debt: The First 5000 years". David Graeber: ,, Whenever we have a period of virtual credit money, where money is not understood to be same thing as gold and silver, where money is recognised to be a social relation of promises that people make to each other, which has become increasingly clear since the 70's when we were off the gold standard, and I think really 2008. really brought that home, debts can be cancelled and can be renegotiated and debts are not set in stone. Trillions of dollars of debt can be made to disappear. And we understand now that this is a political arrangement and it can always be readjusted. " "Debts between the very wealthy, and debts between governments, can always be renegotiated, and always have been through world history, they are not anything set in stone. And its generally, when you have debts owed by the poor to the rich, that debts become a sacred obligation, more important than anything else, something that can't be renegotiated." David Graeber, quote: ,, The ultimate, hidden truth of the world is that it is just something that we make, and can easily make differently."

However I still have an inclination to view him and his family when I hear about them on some news outlets as part of a an aristocratic decadent* (as in only mostly having the material benefits justification for that status, and not do much in terms of quality, talent and ability) elite in U. S. completely socially and psychological detached from most Americans lives, fates and thoughts.

I admit, I have not invested much time researching and developing my knowledge and understanding of SD theory as of late and I haven't efficiently used till now, to understand how it relates to and explains the connections between radical changes in social structures and subsequent changes in value and normative systems of a particular society, and how if that society is very influential on the world stage, it exactly translates to changes on a global level and in other societies that are connected to it and influenced by that globally dominant and influential society or bloc of societies. I planned on rewatching some episodes and taking notes when I finish some of the next exam commitments and plans.

The influential historian, who specialized in American history, and social critic, the late Christopher Lasch, in his 1996. posthumously published book ,,The Revolt of the Elites and the Betrayal of Democracy'' wrote that there was a new elite emerging in American society in the 1980's and 1990's in American society, that Trump given his familial background and livelihood revenues was a part of and still is, that was so detached in the way's they earn their income, in which social circles they move and interact with and in where they live and how they live from ordinary Americans that Lasch called them the cerebral aristocracy of the contemporary globalized world and wrote how they live lives so detached from regular people who live in the same country as them, that they interact and socialize only, on a deeper level, with the members of the same group as them and with international elite in other countries in limited geographical pockets and exclusive social events, that they have become so detached and wilfully oblivious to the national decay and collapse taking place in their own countries, and have at this point internalized in them as part of a normal course of happenings within the country they inhabit, there are bad times and there are good times, while not being affected it by it all themselves. Quotes from the book: ,, The child of a materially wealthy civilization, like a child of any nouveau riche, is almost always spoilt, immodest and shameless.'' ,, Their motto maximum pleasure, minimum responsibility, has brought about a demographic decline of the countries they live in.'' ,, Patriotism, certainly does not accompany a high position on the scale of their values and virtues. So the following question is asked: Do they even consider themselves as other Americans, deep down? " ,, They are not on the side of their own societies, since they fundamentally don't know it, they are on the side of global structures and cliques, in which circles they spend most of their active lives." I think this a good description from what part American society Trump comes from, about what shaped his character and view of other people that are not a part of the same class in society as he is.

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However that still doesn't mean that today's publication doesn't have an underlying motive of tossing a low-ball political smear at him for the purpose of an election strategy for Biden, given how many people [including military personnel] from what I've seen on social media are up in arms, appeared to be hurt and outraged by it.