mitch311

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About mitch311

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  • Location
    New Zealand
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    Male
  1. Have thoughts of buying a few portable bbqs and burning charcoal in my car to gas myself. I feel like just sucking it up and doing it. Felt this way too many times before I've had bad ocd for quite a few months and been isolating myself a lot. Been binge drinking 2-3x a week for the last few months. I'm now over that, I don't want to drink anymore, it's no longer doing any positive whatsoever. I've still maintained a really healthy diet for many years now. My health has issues, I've got a problem with my breathing, it's very controlled, it takes much more effort than it should and is on mind 100% of the day. I've sat down and spent 100s and 100s of hours trying to work it out. My body feels very ill and does not function in anyway as it should. I can't feel any pleasure in my body. I have tried a few different hard drugs, which i don't condone for myself, i cant get a single ounce of good feeling. It's been 4 years since my body has been capable of producing a nice feeling. Long term health condition diagnosed as m.e, in other words, i have no idea what's going on, it's caused immense suffering for me. I believe if i could let go of this ocd and feelings of guilt, and looked after myself and got my emotional health in order, then my body should heal itself somewhat after many months. The doctors have provided no help, after shit loads of visits and tests. I haven't been able to sort my emotions out and the ocd and it's just been dragging on for ages. It's just suffering at the moment and nothing else. I'm 26, living with my mum. Don't want to burden anyone else whilst im feeling this way. No job atm, except for the stuff i was doing part time with a mate and when my band gigs. I feel like a pretty incomplete, kind of stupid, well behind in life for my age, and socially awkward in ways. I managed to build some decent guitar skills over years and I know people think highly of me in this. I don't have much else. Potential for doing other stuff? Sure I have family coming up for christmas, an old friend coming through also wants to see me, i have a gig on new years, i have a friends wedding in january. I don't want to do any of it, and i don't want to see anyone. I'm actually feeling temporarily less morbid after writing this, I don't expect it to last. Are there consequences to suicide? -In regards to this thing that I perceive as the self. What are beliefs on this around here? Am I gone like I want to be? Or is something in 'me' likely to continue on and pay for it. I know I'm incredibly selfish, I just don't care atm
  2. It's 9:40pm where I am and was lightly debating whether to put my blue light glasses on before. So your thread has just convinced me lol. If you want to check how efficient your glasses are... there's a test on this site here https://blueblockglasses.com/blogs/news/36521601-how-effective-is-your-blue-light-filter-test-your-glasses-with-this-graphic It should work exactly as the test says. I tried a pair of orange safety glasses originally and they didn't block out much blue light going by this test. I then bought a cheap $10 set of Uvex orange glasses from Amazon and they passed the test perfectly
  3. Hey I don't know if I can help but I'll chip in with my 2 cents. I play guitar and whenever I use to record, I'd get major performance anxiety. One reason is because when I would try to record, I'd try to perform my absolutely best. In a sense I tried way too hard and it threw me off. What I do now, is I try to play to my average. Paradoxically by putting in less effort, I relax this way and perform/create music much better. The first time I performed solo guitar when I was at high school, I can relate to feeling shaky. That was nerve racking! When I play live in a band nowadays though, I don't really get any anxiety. I tend to not care about what I look like and just play. I put my focus into listening intently and the sensations in my body. I'm so focused on the music and letting it come through and resonate in my body that I don't really have any room for thoughts. I focus on things like getting my timing locked in as tight as I can with the drums, I focus on having the smallest nuances in the melody come out how I want them, I focus on the energy and feel i want to create. Perhaps learning to play with this kind of focus when you are practicing and then migrating the same level of concentration/feel to your live playing? Perhaps visualise 100s of people watching you while you're practicing and just being so absorbed in what you're doing that there's no room to care that they're there. Also even just visualizing things going really well might help. Also realise if you're really absorbed in it, you're naturally going to look like a good performer