jjer94

insights from the workshop. Last weekend, I had some major emotional releases at the workshop that gave me quite a few insights. I was debating whether to share them because it's one thing to read about it and an entirely different thing to experience them directly. Ahh, fuck it. Here's what I wrote in my personal journal: Abandonment is just a feeling. It's not an actual thing. Existentially speaking, I've never been abandoned before. I had a visceral experience that worth is a complete fiction as well. If there's any worth, it's in the fact of my existence, that's it. By simply existing, I am worthy to exist. When I felt through all of these "bad" feelings, what was left was an intense sense of peace. I simply let go. I didn't need to be defined by those feelings anymore. And in a strange paradoxical way, I felt "held" by groundless reality. There was no sense of time when I was on that table. It was like that one mushroom trip in october, where I had the insight that all of the underlying emotions from the "past" were always in the present in the form of stuck tension, and all that was needed was to feel through them. I've been very emotionally raw ever since that workshop. I woke up at 3 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to bless everyone I know (as Matt Kahn teaches). Quite possibly the greatest use of my restless time in bed. And to you, dear reader: may you be blessed.

wanna hear a joke? Life is getting in the way of my spiritual awakening!

@Phill

@kieranperez It seems like a tangent, but it really isn't. If you believe that mind, body, and spirit are intimately connected (they are), then you sure as heck can manipulate your thoughts by manipulating your body. The easiest example is to compare how you feel before and after physical exercise. But hatha yoga is different because it's integral - including body, mind, and spirit: Body: The poses strengthen your muscles and bring you back into your body. More importantly, they help release unconciously held tensions in your body that are associated with different emotions...that are associated with different limiting beliefs in your mind. Mind: The practice is meditative, requiring you to focus on your breath. Hatha yoga uses a special breathing technique that helps bring prana to all areas of the body. After a practice, you will feel it flowing through all of your limbs. I call it "happy energy" because of how good it feels. Spirit: You set a prayer/intention before every practice, which actively changes your outlook on and off the mat. I can almost guarantee that after doing daily hatha yoga for a month straight, you will look back on your post here and laugh with curiosity.

You said it better than I did! "I need help in order to accomplish _______ because I want ________ and feel capable of getting it" Versus "I need help in order to fix _______ because I don't know what I want, I don't feel capable of making my own decisions, and I would rather be rescued and/or told what to do"

@haai14 I'm currently using these beginner hatha yoga courses: https://www.udemy.com/seane-corn/learn/v4/overview https://www.udemy.com/mystic-flow-by-seane-corn/learn/v4/overview She is wonderful. udemy goes on sale a lot, so be sure to wait before you buy full price.

Have you ever tried yoga before? If you start a daily yoga habit alongside your meditation, within a month you will feel viscerally different, guaranteed. You may find that the "trapped" mentality loses its hold when you learn to re-connect with the body and start releasing all of the unconscious stuck tensions. Sometimes, actively seeking verbal advice/validation from others is a defense mechanism and only digs you deeper into despair. Your body knows better. Coming from someone who made fun of yoga until two months ago, it's definitely worth a try! I understand it's a struggle, but I wish you all the best.

If you had hair, what would be your hairstyle?

in the presence of a sage. I spent this weekend in a workshop with an intuitive enlightened woman. We learned different energy holds for releasing emotions. And boy, did they release. First off, meeting an enlightened being. Holy shit. You know how spiritual circles say that simply being in the presence of a master changes you? It's not bullshit. That's a real thing. Simply being in the presence of this woman made me more conscious and more at ease. She's also been developing her intuition for a few decades now, and it's crazy accurate. She was able to sense the areas of tension in my body as well as the associated emotions at any time. My own intuition has skyrocketed as a consequence. The crazy part is, at the start of this year, I didn't believe in chakras, auras, and all that subtle-body stuff. I thought it was all New-Age BS, as Jed McKenna likes to call it. But when you get a direct experience of these things, it flips your worldview upside-down. Life just keeps getting deeper and deeper. It's turtles all the way down! The woman told me that compared to the thousands of clients she's worked with, I'm a natural at energy healing. Probably because of all the spiritual purification work I've done over the past year. Maybe this is something worth looking into. Either way, I met a potential mentor, which is pretty cool I guess...

What @Naviy said. Also, take these along for the ride. <3

the catch-22 of wanting. I mentioned something in my last journal entry which I will call "the catch-22 of wanting." Here it is: You can't know what you want until you go out and try things, and you can't know the right things to try without first knowing what you want. It's a strange thing, indeed. Do we really know what's good for us? What if it's not? Here are some examples: How do I know if I want to have kids, if I've never had kids before? What if I fucking hate it, and I'm stuck with them for twenty years? What then? How do I know if I want to become a performer if I've never been on the road before? What if I love performing but hate road life? What then? How do I know if I want to become a doctor after eight-plus years of studying? What if I love learning about medicine but hate the actual clinical time? What if I wasted eight years of my life just to figure that out? How do I know if I want to become enlightened if I have no idea what it's like to live with no ego? What if I meditate and self-enquire my ass off for twenty years and get nowhere? What then? And so on. I find it funny how we feel so certain about what we want most of the time, and then when we get it, we're like, "Oh shit. This is not what I expected." (Especially with consciousness work. Hoooooooly hell.) That's why I like the idea of little bets - basically test-driving your desires before you dive head-first into them. Of course, that's hard to do with the kids example. But every other one, I think it's a good idea. This whole topic is also covered in the book Stumbling on Happiness. As a solution to the catch-22 of wanting, the author suggests asking the people who you want to be like if they're happy. Kind of a dumb anticlimactic solution, right? Anyway. I felt the need to elaborate on this because it's one of my core issues at the moment. Maybe it's just an innate part of life, and I ought not to try and "solve" it.

@Natasha I've tried a blog before, but it went sour pretty quickly. Probably because I was spiraling downwards, and it was only writing. Maybe it could be different this time around... Thank you for the compliment and suggestions Natasha...

putting the cart before the horse. I still feel confused and angry at myself. Every time I try to get back into music, I sabotage myself with the "you suck, why even bother" thoughts. Deep down, I still have low self-esteem. I don't believe I'm capable of doing any of the music stuff. I don't believe I deserve popularity or praise or success. I don't know what I want because I believe that I don't deserve to want. I feel a lot better than I did in August, but these beliefs are still camping out in the noggin. In the grand scheme of things, I just don't know where I fit. I don't know what I really want besides Truth. My skill-sets are so scattered that I have no idea how to actualize them. I have a natural aptitude for music and self-mastery. But I don't know what I want to master in music; I don't know what to practice next. And now that I've alienated myself from music, I feel like half of a person. I have intense resistance to doing all the basic shit in life: getting a job, socializing, relationships, networking, etc. This seems to be the theme of my life for the past few years: putting the cart before the horse. I'm an idealist. I keep striving for self-actualization while forgetting about all of my unresolved shadow aspects in the lower rungs of the pyramid. And thus, I keep sabotaging myself. Maybe my Dad is right. Maybe I ought to get the "lower" needs in place. Forget about life purpose and enlightenment for awhile. Take a break from this journal. Just relax, continue with yoga and meditation, and learn how to operate in the world again. Urrgghghhhhghhhh....I can feel my mind stewing resistance. "But isn't that a waste of time if you don't know what you want? You're not being a strategic motherfucker! How will plowing snow or washing dishes serve your life purpose? You don't even know your life purpose! How can you go out into the world without first knowing what you want?" Well, mind. First off, fuck you too (I still love you though). Second off, how can I know what I really want without first going out into the world? Woohoo!!! Life!!! (I have no fucking idea what I'm doing!!!)

daily hatha yoga: a two-month review. I'll say it now: starting a yoga practice has been the greatest decision I've made this whole year. For anyone who's on the path but feels disconnected from their body (i.e. most people on this forum), I highly suggest supplementing with yoga or any other forms of body work. These are the programs I use at the moment: https://www.udemy.com/seane-corn/learn/v4/content https://www.udemy.com/mystic-flow-by-seane-corn/learn/v4/content The call for yoga came from my first LSD trip, but it took a couple more people to convince me of its power. Before I started, I drew myself as I experienced myself (first picture). I notice that my body completely acclimated to my own internal belief systems over the years. Here are some examples: "I'm not safe" ----> "The ground is unsafe" ----> cut off circulation to the legs ----> cold feet, lack of desire to stand up "I should feel guilty about my sexuality" ----> "I don't deserve pleasure" ----> lower back overextended and in pain, cutting off circulation to the man parts, decreasing libido; tendency to cross legs "I should feel ashamed of myself" ----> "I am unworthy/not good enough/deficient" ----> solar plexus collapsed, hunchback, extreme anxious tension in the navel area "Love has hurt me in the past so I refuse to love again" ----> can barely feel my chest "I can't speak my truth, or else I'll be ostracized and abandoned" ----> lump in the throat feeling since high school, tension in the neck and shoulders, feeling that I'm judged for what I say "I can see what others can't see" ----> 20/20 vision, eye floaters, intuition run amok, indecisive "I'm smart/I'm special/I can understand things that others don't understand" ----> living in the head, mind races, mental masturbation, extreme yearning for Truth/understanding, yearning to proselytize in order to prove self-worth All of these traits have reduced significantly since I started daily hatha yoga two months ago. I drew an "after" picture (the second picture) for comparison. Here's also what I notice: Body happiness. My body is buzzing with what I call "happy energy" (ch'i, prana). I've become aware of the subtle realms of energy. My normal everyday experience is beginning to feel like a mild perpetual LSD trip. Less reactivity. OMG, this is HUGE. Instead of emotionally reacting like a pinball, I've chilled out. Others' reactivity doesn't scare me as much as it used to, either. Less anxiety. That mass in my solar plexus shrunk in size. I feel more centered. My self-esteem feels higher. Less depression. Besides the nihilism, it's almost completely gone. I'm feeling happy for no reason. Groundedness. I CAN FEEL MY LEGS!!!! My hands and feet are not cold all the time either. Love. I already mentioned this one, but almost out of nowhere, I feel it again in the chest. It's swelling as I write this <3 (Pfft...) Layers. Lots of layers of old emotional baggage coming to the surface. Not fun, but necessary to integrate. Posture. The way I hold myself is more like a healthy human being and less like a slimy weasel. Emotional intelligence. This one's weird. I'm starting to intuit emotions - clairsentience perhaps? I'm beginning to sense the underlying moods of the person I'm talking to - what's being said beyond the surface context. Lower voice. Maybe it's also from the screaming, but my voice is lower, more resonant, and less annoying-sounding.

my misanthropic personality. I had a reiki session for the first time yesterday, and old layers are coming to the surface today. One of the major insights that solidified was this: my body fundamentally distrusts the world. I say "my body" because it's a visceral, non-rational, almost involuntary thing. It doesn't feel safe anywhere. I show it the supportive family, the skill-set, the stable financial situation... but the body refuses to believe that it's fundamentally safe. If anyone's read "It's Not About The Money," it's basically the Saver archetype run amok. I feel uber-protective about everything, not just money. I don't really hoard stuff anymore, but I'm unwilling to give away, unwilling to let go at the most fundamental level. It reflects in my resistance to reaching out to others: my misanthropic personality. I did some research when I got here. My mom told me that when I was still in utero, she was almost hit by a car. On top of that, she had to wean me a month after I was born because she was too anxious to produce any more milk. Stack that on top of having an autistic brother, having a father who exhibited the same fundamental misanthropic personality, and being rejected throughout the school years. It's no wonder that I live so much in my head - nowhere else felt safe.

a glimpse of something more. I took a trip to the city. It was nice to be around people again, to interact with someone other than my parents or neighbors. But I need to share something that happened. I had another breakthrough. A glimpse of something more... The yoga has supercharged my meditation. I've had more growth in the past month or so than I've had over the past several. What's happened as a result, is that I'm really starting to pierce through "context." What is context? It's the stories you weave about your situation, about the roles you and others play, about the judgments you make towards others. I'm really beginning to grasp how my thoughts create all the context. Behind the context is the phenomenal essence of perception - what some call Atman, some call awareness, others call soul... doesn't matter. What happened, is that I walked into the hotel, began to check in to the front desk, and saw through all context. I saw through "hotel receptionist." I saw through "woman." I saw through "ugly." I saw through "human being." And I saw her essence, which was me. We were one and the same. Then I saw it with the valet parking dude. Then a guest who walked by me in her expensive coat. All the same. ALL THE SAME! The same expression of that One movement. No matter who it was, how ugly or pretty or rich they looked - all the same essence. The best way I can describe it is by relating it to the movie Anomalisa, where the main character navigates a world where everyone has the same face and voice. While the movie gives this a negative connotation, I think the direct experience that everyone's essentiallly the same is more positive. Yes, it is a little eerie, because it comes with a deep feeling of existential aloneness. At the same time, it's life-affirming, because it urges me to treat everyone with equal respect. It shows me that there's nothing anyone can give me that I can't give myself (especially love and approval). It also shows me that rejection and any negative emotions directed towards me are all a part of context, which is all existentially untrue. Which means, there's fundamentally no reason to be afraid of social interaction, unless being socially anxious serves me in some unconscious way (it does). These are all non-abiding insights. I'm excited and kind of scared to see where this will take me.

Your laughing is priceless. Thank you for sharing!

@Liam Johnson I love your brutal honesty in these entries. Keep it up! Follow the joy...

@Natasha Someone who knows about the other stages is not automatically stage Yellow, in my experience. I thought I was yellow when I first heard about Spiral Dynamics. But I was still resistant and close-minded to the Greenies, which made me mostly Orange. Now, I think I have some yellow, but not much

Omg, I just had this realization about a month ago and couldn't put it into words. Thank you for spelling it out!

baby don't hurt me. OMG, I feel it. I feel it I feel it I feel it I feel it. Love. LOVE! I thought it was gone for good. I thought I'd never feel it again. But here I am, feeling it towards myself and my family members again. I was tearing up again this morning because of how grateful I am to feel it. I know I know, I'm a crybaby. More specifically, it's compassion. My dad's had health issues lately and he's being more reactive than ever. Normally, I'd be lashing out at him, but I haven't. I feel this deep desire for him to be happy, to be well. Same with my mom, and same with my brother. Not even a month ago I was spiteful. I wanted them to bow down to me. I wanted to proselytize them. Now, I see the ego behind those intentions. Now, I see that their journey takes place in GOD'S TIME, not mine. And all I can really do, is develop my own capacity to love. I like this definition of love: The sincere wish for ourselves and others to be happy. Stage Green, here I come!

@Leo Gura I'm surprised you still live in Vegas. Have you considered moving to a higher consciousness city?

When my body won't hold me anymore And it finally lets me free Will I be ready? When my feet won't walk another mile And my lips give their last kiss goodbye Will my hands be steady? When I lay down my fears My hopes and my doubts The rings on my fingers And the keys to my house With no hard feelings When the sun hangs low in the west And the light in my chest Won't be kept held at bay any longer When the jealousy fades away And it's ash and dust for cash and lust And it's just hallelujah And love in thoughts and love in the words Love in the songs they sing in the church And no hard feelings Lord knows they haven't done Much good for anyone Kept me afraid and cold With so much to have and hold When my body won't hold me anymore And it finally lets me free Where will I go? Will the trade winds take me south Through Georgia grain or tropical rain Or snow from the heavens? Will I join with the ocean blue Or run into the savior true And shake hands laughing And walk through the night Straight to the light Holding the love I've known in my life And no hard feelings Lord knows they haven't done Much good for anyone Kept me afraid and cold With so much to have and hold Under the curving sky I'm finally learning why It matters for me and you To say it and mean it to For life and its loveliness And all of its ugliness Good as its been to me I have no enemies...

getting somewhere? Looks like I've still got some victim mentality in me... Interesting. Good catch, dawg. Okay, onto the next belief: "I should get somewhere." That seems to be the gist of it. Is this true? Well, yeah! YOLO (in this body, at least). I've got a fire in my ass to self-actualize, to know myself, to acquire the deepest possible understanding of life. I'm lacking that right now. What the hell else am I going to do? Ride on those damn camels some more? I've got to hurry, because the clock is ticking, and I could die at any moment. Hurry hurry hurry! Is this absolutely true? It's true to me. But in the absolute sense, I guess not. In the grand scheme of things, I'll go to the grave carrying nothing with me. Life is a motel with extended stay. Nothing's really lacking in this moment, I get that. Meditation has helped me realize this. But during the day, it feels like something is lacking. Like I really need to get somewhere, to make something of my life! Or else... I'm a failure. Or else... I lose my chance to fully grasp what this place is all about. Or else... I don't beat the game. Or else... I miss out. FOMO to the utmost degree here. How do you react when you believe this thought? Extreme anxiety in the pit of my belly. I literally found a mass there, so I got an ultrasound and they said everything was normal. My guess is that it's anxious muscular tension. This anxiety that I will miss out on self-mastery if I don't devote 100% of my time and effort into it. My mind is constantly thinking about the future, avoiding the present, and disregarding the past. My body's completely arrested by FOMO. Who would you be without that thought? I'd be relaxed for a change. I'd find more time to just...well, enjoy life! To look around and appreciate everything without all the tension of needing to get somewhere, just how it felt on my first LSD trip. That would come at a price though. I would have to let go of the "me" that expects to get somewhere: The Perfectionist Maximizer. I would have to let go of my MO that has been successful for years but that has also made me fucking miserable. And while that sounds easy to let go of, it's not. It's me. What if you shouldn't get somewhere? What if you shouldn't work on self-mastery? Can you think of times when that would be true? Yeah. Eating dinner with the family. Snowshoeing in the trail outside. Oh God...this is ridiculous. When I start thinking about these scenarios, I still believe that I should approach them with the intention of self-mastery. I find myself contemplating/doing mindfulness at dinner. Contemplating/doing mindfulness on the snowshoe trail. Hell, even contemplating/doing mindfulness in the bathroom! All with this burning desire to get to the bottom of things and improve myself. Oh lordy lord. Isn't that what I'm doing right now? Fuck! I'm going to need more work on this belief. Wait a sec... Hahahaha...see what you're doing there!? The song I want to share deserves its own post...