Setty

So I had something you could call enlightenment experience but honestly my rational mind is telling me that I will go insane if I stay on this path. What hapend is that I was meditating and at the same time I was listening to one of the lectures of Alan Watts. I have been on the journey to enlightenment for about a year and I had many what I would call enlightenment experiences using psychedelics but all these experiences compared to what happend this time were close to nothing. I always considered Alan Watts to be enlighntened being and I told myself that if only I could understand what he is actually saying like REALLY undrestand what he is saying I would know the truth and I mean the truth wih the capital T. So I think this is the believe that triggered this event. So what happend? I was meditating and in the video he was talking to his audience as usually. My monkey mind was all over the place ignoring his speech but as the time went all the noises and images in my mind started slowly dissapearing and I was focused only and must emphasize the word ONLY on his voice. Then is started getting weird He said something that I ignored and then he said "Does everyone in this room understand what I am saying?" and I thought "Is he tallking to his audience or me?". You would think that the answer is obvious but as I said at the time there was nothing in my mind but his voice so no thoughts of me watching a youtube video or that he is long dead so it would be impossible to communicate with him anyway none of that. So in my state of mind it was entirely possible that he is taliking to me so I believed it. There was no reason not to since no other thought was oppose to it you see. I don't exactly remember what he was saying but as he was talking it was only more and more obvious that he is talking to me and only me! Everything else in the existence disappeared and there we were only two of us in the entire existence having a conversation. He was using words to communicate and I used thoughts and feelings. It is so bizzare but it happened because I believed it and only because of it. So he started to teach me what it is. The truth about meditation and how to do it properly. How memories work, emotions, thoughts just everything. What is the future and the past and from where they come from and how to control them. And it was so obvious to me. So easy I was like a child just experiencing the whole thing just being. I stopped worrying and I was free. After a few hours in this state I also realized that I am talking to myself. There is no Alan Watts talking to me there is only me and my imagination but the only way to communicate these insights with myself was through the believe that Alan Watts has the answer and the only way to know the truth is that I must listen to him but it was me the whole time I am just it! The big IT. I think I was in this state like for like six hours? But it felt like a minute or so, it wasn't bound by time or space. Anyway I went to sleep and the next morning it wasn't there anymore. I didn't felt like the big IT you know? So the biggest insight I have from this is that you control the reality by believing something will happen and it just will happen. There are no wrong events or good ones it just happens how you want it to happen and it's perfect. The problem is when you try to translate it through words or thoughts it becomes a concept or a thought memory even. Something that isn't grounded in reality and is therefore not true and it stops being true. It's very tricky. So what do you think? Am I going insane doing this or am I onto something? Do you have similar experiences you would share? Also I have these thoughts that I should become a monk or something and get in touch with people with this kind of condition of being so we can figure out what we are. It is a strong desire to do this but I am full of doubts and I am not sure about anything anymore.

It's like repeating a single word over and over again until it loses its meaning and becomes just sound. As you lived your life you felt those sensation in your hand over and over again and then you created a concept that this is your hand and this is how it feels like to have hand. Then you forgot it is a just a group of sensations and you believe it is your hand. It's just like our concept of ourselves got created. We just felt some sensations in our body and parallel to that everyone around us told us this is us so we started to believe this is how it feels to be us. With awareness these concepts can disappear.

Be careful of what your ego is doing right now. On mushrooms you saw some of the truth but as soon as it wear off your ego started to make sense of it. It created concepts that you might consider the truth but it is not. I had this problem when I thought I roughly knew what enlightenment is and during meditative session a was trying to go that direction but it was a dead end. So what I am trying to say is that never think you got any part of enlightenment. Never stop questioning everything in your direct awareness. Once you think you got it you stop seeking and you start to live in a illusion again.

Well there is a lot of horrid things but you are ignoring all the beautifull things that we have in this world you are taking for granted. With this attitude we can solve any number of worlds problems, cure as many diseases as we want but it won't ever enough. A lot of suffering is created because we don't see all the beautiful things we already have.

Isn't earth already pretty cool?

These kinds of trips are dangerous for people that are at the beginning of the journey. Try to understand that the ego loses control over reality so quickly that you don't even realize there is still a little bit left of it and it still distorts the reality. Any negative feelings you have exist because the ego is desperately trying to make reason out of it all but it can't so it makes you feel like shit. Try to focus on the truth without creating any labels you could attach to it. Without labels there is no suffering. It comes down to what you want to believe. If you believe life is meaningless it will be. You have the power to choose if you want to live in suffering or eternal bliss but the only problem is that you don't know how to control your believes that is all.

I had enlightenment experience yesterday and I would like to share it with anyone that is interested. It started when I was explaining to a friend how to meditate. And as I was explaning to him what to do during meditation I realized I am not doing the things I am saying to him myself. That was a little insight I had. So when we started meditating I was determined to follow my own advice without exceptions. And there I was sitting thinking about absolutely nothing alongside the sensentions of the pressure between my eyebrows which was always normal for me during meditative sessions but now when it got worst I did not do anything about it. The pressure started to spread through the upper side of the brain and with each extention the pressure felt more and more like pain. Once the sensation started to drop along the sides of the brain I cound not call it a pressure it was genuine pain. It was freezing, burning, stinging you name it. But the pain wasn't the only thing that was there. There was also this fear of death. Quite litteral fear of death like when you are in a car crash or when you almost fall from a high place. At this point I wanted to quit because this was some heavy shit. But then I remembered something Sadhguru said. Something along the lines: "To make this jump you either must be crazy or have absolute trust of somebody else's words" after that insight I continued. At this point the sensation reached the bottom of my brain and something peculiar happened. I cound not say if the pain is bad or good. It was just there doing no harm just like any other sensation. And when I started to observe other sensations in my body they were doing the same thing. They weren't bad or good they just were. It was a lot like on LSD trip but with more clarity. As I continued I started to have enormous amounts of insights. There were dozends of them flowing throughout my body like it was nothing. I was ecstatic I cound't wait to tell everybody about everything I found about it was so clear! Then I realized that everything I see has been already communicated. Either by Leo or any other guru I listened to. The infomation was always there I just cound't make sense of it because I wasn't aware enough. Then I realized that all the insights I had were being conceptualized. The ego started to put labels on all the insights and it was the most interesting thing I wittnessed in my life. I was able to see the contrast between the labels and the truth! Just by focusing a little bit more I could make the label turn into the truth. And by lowering my focus the truth turned into a label. It was so bizarre it was just oscillating by my will. And this was probably the reason I didn't stay enlightened. The truth was dimmer and dimmer and only the concepts remained. I did fight against it but the ego got the upper hand. I tried to make the distinction between the higher and lower self but that endeavor ended up just in splitting my personality in two. The "higher self" and the "lower self" that were arguing between each other why we should or shoudn't get enlightened but I knew both of these entities were the same ego playing with it self to distract me from the truth so the split of my personality disappeared quite quicly. So here I am not enlightened without the truth or the insights I had they are all gone. The only thing that remained is the pain in the brain area so I think now it will be quite easy to get into that state again but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Also sorry for the grammar mistakes I don't usually post and english is my second language so forgive me that.