Psychonaut

I experienced Satan. It was frightening and beautiful at the same time. For a split second there was blood running down the walls and I could gape down into the dungeons of hell. I felt like I merged with Satan and I was the beginning and the end of all existence. It felt so good to be finally freed from my weak mortal existence. Sadly I have gone back to my frail ego existence and I'm stuck with trolling on internet forums to gain self worth.

#dicksoutforharambe

@abrakamowse Stop believing that I believe in any words I say. It might be just random happenings of typenings of letterings with no meanings.

I am. Suck it.

I don't believe in science.

Is there a correlation between how much you think and how much you remember? I feel like my mind has become more lightweight, less thoughts arising and also less things remembered. I wonder if memory is just thoughts repeating itself. If the thought is not repeated again it is forgotten.

@flhugoboss I be fucking hoes in Pattaya every 2nd weekend and haven't had sex where I haven't payed. Anything wrong with me. Not that I can see. Everything okay. Game is for people who don't have money to pay for hoes. They need to always try to get it for free.

I have no idea how to read any of these maps. They seem pretty bollocks to me.

Maybe one day I will forget myself.

I like playing video games for self actualisation.

Yeah I would say so. I don't really care about anything but enlightenment. The rest is just noise.

217 days.

Enlightenment, no enlightenment, same.

Comes naturally.

I literally just talk about nothing. I make up things and generally fuck with people. Some days I just listen. Some days I just leave if I get bored.

I see a lot of "I" in this thread. This I and that I with this and that perspective. Was hoping there would be a conclusion but thanks for the show anyways.

What da fuck

Im in my early twenties and never had a girlfriend or sex with one. There was an urge to get a gf but it never really was a priority. After all I could always watch porn and masturbate. Then I realised how damaging masturbation is and quit it almost 7 weeks ago. I was hoping that would make me go out and get a girlfriend. Well my sexual desire is going down even more. Quitting masturbation made it a lot easier to meditate and pursue enlightenment. I really don't feel like I need someone else to make me happier. I'm extremely happy as it is. I just feel that the further I progress towards liberation the harder it is going to be to find someone. It is already getting difficult to talk to girls, because some of them are so attached to their ego it hurts me. I would like to help them, but I know there is nothing I can do. I also don't really feel like brushing up their hurt ego every day. Sometimes I have to suppress laughing because the things they say are so mindbogingly stupid. Its no wonder they are unhappy and need a man to somehow fill all the gaping holes in their ego. This all sounds like I don't give a shit about girls and in fact I don't. I don't care for all the stories in their minds, all the things they believe themselves to be. Just as I don't really care about all the stories my mind makes up all the time. I do care about the underlying person, not the illusion of the ego. I went on this journey to improve myself and make myself happier. I'm making some progress and there are girls interested just because I'm happy and a mystery to them. It's just funny how now I'm like "meh whatever I don't really need this". Maybe my mind is just making up another story. That would be funny. I don't know, I really don't.

The reason for my post was actually a girl that I really liked and that was really interested in me. She wasn't that hot but I still was attracted to her because she was different. Initially I was just being nice to her, a few days in we started kissing and making out. A week later we ended up having sex. I was disappointed. This was the first time I had sex. I kinda thought sex is gonna be better. I didn't want to have sex with her again. She wasn't really confident in her sexuality at all. I knew she could most likely never satisfy me sexually. I still talk to her almost every day. But she can't handle me. I was afraid that I was going to hurt her. I know it is not me that is hurting her. It is her own mind hurting herself. Yesterday she asked me what is wrong with me. Why I changed completely. She got really upset at me today. Was almost crying. She asked me if I had any feelings at all. If I was just supressing them. If I was too afraid of showing my feelings. She is getting really annoyed at me being what she calls "zenlike". What initially attracted her is pissing her of more and more. I also made the mistake of telling her what I think about and self actualization stuff. Initially she though it is entertaining and interesting. I'm beginning to realize that she only understood a fraction of what I told her. Now she thinks about things even more and it gets in her head even more. There were lots of oppurtunities to maintain the character I was initially playing or change to another one and maintaining that. I knew this girl is really emotional and in someway in need for emotional comfort/stability. I could have continued playing a character satisfying those needs. But I didn't feel like it. For who would I do that? Definitely not for me and in the long run it wouldn't serve her either. I still gained a lot of insight from this endevaour and don't regret it in any way.

Quick question: Why do you believe that you need this? This seems like a ton of additional stuff which is probably not cheap either.

I feel like I have gained so much from psychedelics. Especially Acid. Had egoloss experiences on it. Made the biggest life changing decisions on acid. Like going vegetarian, starting to meditate and stop masturbating. All changes that persisted long after the trip. I feel like I still could grow from using psychedelics. Gives me time to contemplate and reflect on what I'm doing with a clear mindset. But on my last trip I actually got the feeling that I should stop using any kinds of drugs. It was after an ego loss experience when my mind was starting to torture me. Almost unbearable emotional pain. I then got the feeling that I should just drop it. But it's hard. Out of all activities I could do I see psychedelics as the one with the highest potential for growth.

I'm trying to not beat myself up for needing external substances to progress. But oh well. Whatever bahahahaha. Better to progress somehow then to stagnate. Tried microsdosing today. What am I supposed to say. I had difficulty meditating. I guess. Ended up just laughing all afternoon long. It brought up something that I had been suppressing for a very long time. I didn't even know that it was still lingering around. I thought I had gotten over it. But there it was again. After closer examination and initially being really scared I proceeded to do the only sensibly thing. Forgive myself and laughing. It is starting to really hurt from all the laughter. But oh well. Whatever. Still laughing.

@ChimpBrain I'll experiment with microdosing a bit. Last times I tried really low doses I felt like it was not worthwhile. But I also didn't try to meditate. The one unpleasant experience was on 600ug and was really tired and couldn't sleep... @ArabiaNytes Define risk. Risk can be to health, being found out or risk of things going wrong etc.

No, I don't really want to use acid as a booster during the week. @ArabiaNytes Only had shrooms once, got stomach pain, feels like it's too harsh on the body and more expensive than acid.