ValiantSalvatore

This is what I am currently looking at. Truth and honesty, are still two values I had honesty as a value instead of truth as I got more honest depth out of this, truth is so fking toxic imo. I would frame it even as a toxic value. It's odd. I had honesty as a value for most of the time

Apparently DHL made a mistake, so the seller contacted me as 1D-LSD is currently legal, and it will be sent eventually today & they are resolving the issue. Anyway, had the meetings, and all in all it's still like odd to contemplate the diversity issues and these meeting and public presence is definitely neccessary, otherwise it's like a huge issue, and a lot of islamic and muslime people are subvertively including blacks at times, quiet discriminatory because of cultural grasping for power, it's very evident in people who "must" identifiy with their culture and not accept it as a part of themselves. It's a part not the whole of your,I, me mine existence. It's odd how much responsibility humans would give me if I had the skills and ideas and ressources, there is a deep level of trust somehow. The point is seeing failure as a learning step stone and embracing it a bit more. I stressed myself with this a lot and sometimes it's difficult for me to appreciate how fast & slow I am, as I know what it takes, but does it make me happy? No, do I enjoy the breakthrough yes!! So it's a weird give and take and the more spiritual my purpose is, the more I feel I can get into creating stuff. The issue of concretness = materalism at times, is also a subtle point for me to contemplate. I might just do the shadow work right now, and especially the emotion of hatred as a motivation, as they recommend this even in mastery etc. It's like loving your problems and proper self-love is here also important, I just sort of miss having a proper relationship to my father, to this all "tool play love" oriented relationship men can have to the world. For me it's often that concretness not experienced at a level of depth where I know, yes I find freedom in that skill, activity etc. and through this freedom more love. Many work for survival I had the luxury to never be in that place, as I would most likely end-up ending myself in some process, the grindstone mentality is also completely over for now, it's just an issue, especially when I don't trip and seeking challenges instead of competition for example and being a creator etc. It's crazy what expectations people have of white people, and it's fking difficult I bet to find a normal and even healthy black community of people at some places, as this is very nuturing I notice for all and many, as you get more power somehow??????? LIKE WHY DOES ALL THIS MARKETING EVEN EXIST AND WITHOUT IT PEOPLE DO IT?! Like it's odd realizing this. It's just good, yet realizing business is still business is one of the thoughest things as it requires ruthlesness and it's rough very very rough, also just generating efficiency is rough in itself, and that is all and everything software will ever run on no matter how beautiful, complex. People will value efficiency very strongly, and our idea is realistic in the sense of just finding the best suggesting I like it, as we help potentially the unseen ones with good ideas to shine bright? It's odd right? How that stuff has to be faciliated by A.I but who will control the A.I at one point? I dunno, it will not be humans, and I'd say that is good. Humans are by far one power hungry ape's. Also the level of hatred in competition like, I have never been like this, yet through integration of more of my dark qualities, I've created this competitive persona etc. Yet i's all a constant search for release and freedom etc. Be it in chess, mathematics, medtiation even psychdelics etc. All of this is very meaningful I stopped "creating" meaning as I was more searching for freedom and especially the meaning of freedom in the emotion of the release of freedom etc. Also very very deep consciouness states send the body back at one point yearning for that level of depth in experience. Some also have more an attraction to beauty and art, Idunno. Uhm... yeah so far it's also an issue working with this moderate conservative girl a bit, yet all she wants is children and caring, some women enjoy beauty so much they would even work to enjoy masculine beauty nowadays that freedom experience and the joy and relase of that and even raise children and find a balance in this, not this I stay at home and clean the dishes and be an emotional drama thing, as I am not meeting needs etc. That I see with single girls at times. Some more conscious white men, also notice that having more black and a stronger black community serves all people well. But, yeah till now it's weird to realize, what is my gift that I can bring to the world even knowing my strengths, it's tricky some young people due to the media are very toxic, especially about the racist topic and history of black ppl and sexuality and sexual prowess, it's extremely evident how jealousy and envy drove this at times. Uhm, yeah I dunno so far it is odd. The point is I can't dig into full turqouise LC's self-sacrifice for the company and people as I would feel guilty and abusive, yet it's very odd how this will go. Yeah I dunno, I wish I had more of this depth of awareness and this is what they fundamentally trust. All of this vision marketing and depth is right on point, especially if others have it also. Anyway.... that is it right now.... finding the love for freedom of release in skill is new, also this gym type of shit is so envlasing I can't listen to this b.s. Anyway right now it is just what it is.

I dunno how to go about this. Yet it is what it is, these people are the corrupt of the corrupt, and they will never admitt it, she must've had some bad experiences, I don't attract girls like this usually, it's usually some high affection to beauty also, like beauty experienced as kathartic experience. Some yearn to be that katharthis, that is the recent shadow I attracted, as I was the same thing for men in a sense, yet that has shifted. Eh, yeah, so for now it's more important than ever to work on these material and status things, I never thought that material investments could help with karma, yet she does not comprehend black culture at all, like it's insane how much dumb shit girls say, and how well-rounded many guys are. I dunno where Deida has his information from, the main issue is the reproduction and biological arguments of stuff imo. As well as not even the apprecation of spiritual stuff and psychedelics, I presume my boss is badass and cool, do to just knowing how dumb and stupid humans can be, and not having had the best path possibly. That is the issue of beign a good leader in a sense, beign to soft and to strong and finding balance, for me finding balance is often engaging in the drama of it and not. I also feel I never penetrated the world as deeply as I could as this coincides with love-making due to having high standards and I was closer and closer in getting it. Now it's very odd to deal with this spectrum, and I see maintaing sexual energy, and working with that energy gives me that courage and edge, even if things get dramatic and confrontational we get more of what is done, people will make a stereotype out of this, as they are racist power abusers, it's very evident and toxic, that this is a european eastern issue. Very very evident. Southern people are more into the decadence of abuse, like stupid parties and sexual overaggresion etc. With the turkish guy in the company also the more German polish girl, none of this occures, as they value love more and not this merit hoe power, I have more access to dark feminity than her, that is an irony, if it really would come down to it, I would most likely outwork and outpace her, as much as I can to not deal with her in a sense, and get more "status as a girl and shit" to get competitors of, this is female behaviour in very simple terms imo. Also pragmatically people are spiritually dead. Cretative people will always have a spiritual spark, I am convinced of this, and people who enjoy beauty no matter how evil will have some entry experiences no matter what.

Stage orange conceptiuon generally speaking of beauty is quiet racist, I feel like working with her, I get triggered to some aspects as to direct architecture of work, yet it's all very insightful, I also seek out confrontation, as she is inept in seeing bigger and larger ideas. My boss is sort of an o.g, she is very low at stage blue, it's also interesting that many stage blue girls with higher cognitive and moral level in a countries like eastern europe (besides "maybe" croatia) are interested in the stage blue/orange conception of black guys and men, and can't deal well with the "warfare" of multiculturalism, as it takes more cognitively demanding work, yet the projects are more creative, so they are lazy power abusers by value selction. It's a very low and nasty form of leadership she does not see that most professors act from way higher values at yellow/green mostly minimum, just shows me how bad of a level of development baveria is and can be, due to their brutish nature. That is why arrogance is formed from many at orange and higher, yet she clearly functions at a stage blue perception, at times very low. My boss is extremely good, yet I will just do shadow work with this person, as she identifies as girl = certain expectations, yet what triggers me is the instant grasping for power in men, as providers and she basically is a "whooore" (in deida terms) for recreation, yet has no love, it's worse than my mother in a sense, she has less love, and men are expected nowadays to have more love and be integrated, while many girls are not as developed as they are, they just associate masculinity with work and benefit from the infrastructure of communication and their biology of information processing in a process oriented -> do system, as many men don't function that way biologically, and it's a very strong either or without context-sensetivity thinking, both men notice they both have a higher yellow value, I think Deida is wrong it's just that many men especially in european IT, not American IT have more yellow charactersitcs and hence are memed. This is why I presume silicon valley to some extend and new york IT is more yellow/green, due to multiculturalism and simply more developed people beign drawn to higher things, I would say generally speaking like find me a stage yellow UPS driver. I don't think that really exist, if you catch my drift in that sense. These girls are legit the street dogs of white street dogs that exist, logical/rational street dogs, doing a-z. Like it's incredible how non-nuanced and disinterested these girls are in consciouness. They just advocate everything that seems "good" like stage blue people. Anyway, it's odd I won't be lead by a person like this, yet it's an issue as she has more information, yet is in this tech neutrality zone, yet has a feminine core bias due to beign eastern, and you have to play on the value of beauty and simplicity, otherwise she will not smile and feel love, as many girls experience that holistically there as part of culture, and many succumb to this notion of entertainment there also. It's a waste of creative potential in a sense, if it's in this decadent culture I dunno. Not easy to describe but yeah here I go. New person to do shadow work with, as it's within the responsibility of architecture. Also these people have very bad origin stories she never questioned her identity as a girls, from THE TOP tech university of our country, I am legit ashamed to see this.

I think a general issue with the forum is not using sexual energy creatively and doing some level of austerity, that seems more normal. Curious if the psychedlics will arrive today. Somehow it does not update, yet they said they've sent it I legit wonder if they confiscated it last time it arrived so fast over the weekend. Well happens stuff is getting more and more liberal. I dunno somehow they take forever, I certainly noticed academically I've been unable to face the fear of overcoming bigger obstacles, due to just the "racial story" of stuff which seriously diminishes performance, and it's amplified at times via the internet etc. and scientific rational people can be if they are not high green one of the worst offenders, as this and the issue with high green is they lay the bar higher, as to not leave the higher ones out and push the lower ones cognitive effort etc. Which can work, yet often it's not as clear anyway. I am working today, so I am out for now. The point for me is simply due to all the level of critique that you get as a "minority" and even that perception is toxic imo, as it's more levels of development. It's an emotional rollercoaster at times, and to let go of that story it's only possible with meditation, yoga & psychdelics and shadow work nothing else works. Also working the issue of power with very very white societal based people often comes up, so even if they are egaliterian at the expert & achiever levels they become unrealistic & discriminating in constructive and deconstructive ways, especially people from eastern europe can be very bad at this. Most normal seem to be northerners etc. I would like to live in America just to get a better picture of the spiral there, Germany has some rational scientific issues with race and skin color, were young ones are doing better marketing, yet it's all sort of stuck at the achiever level mostly. I dunno it has become better, yet generally speaking many see science still has the highest etc. Also yeah connecting deeper spiritually should give me more opportunities to make and be succesful, as I saw this with the book leo recommended from the early 20 Jahrhundert. The science of sucess and how it's tied to god & feeling. Creation -> Expansions out of these contractive held forces and coagulations of fear is the biggest breakthrough to success I found out on my own. All issues boil down to this, a deeper connection to the highes realizations possible you die before you die bascially facing this.

30 minutes meditation: Noticed the very strong contraction held from yesterday, and more of the "stored pain" of universe has been testing me, in that sense, just accumulated karma, and whatever and got very close to dinsentangle that held pain, samskahras etc to unknot these emotional grooves, these are the biggest limitor to my capacity to act & think freely. Positive emotions all enhnace acting & thinking more freely. I am grateful to feel more positive emotions after this meditation session I am grateful for the company giving me a huge opportunity to build a 6 figure + career I am thankful to get into the samskahars/kriyas and held pains and mini-traums, (I find trauma is such a big word at times) and digest it I am am grateful to find depth of awareness and masculine strength in meditation deeper than any exercise I am grateful for the insight with arms Generally I am very thankful for attractive girls beign into me and the model girl, also girls who can trust my dark masculine side I am grateful for early morning coffee & to not masturbate and use that energy more creatively I am thankful I can experience life itself, I am thankful for the new friends which names I am not going to mention, and I would appreciate it if they would give me some more masculine feedback at times, to get used to this. I was fed up with friends not implementing mine, they felt broken it was to hard for them, and they just played around, but gave me feedback which at one point was their own lack of effort about their own lives etc. I am thankful for not experiencing this anymore, weak, pathetic bullies, bullying me. This is also a trigger, ideally I do another 30 minute session later and shadow work tomorrow or today.

I also had a very weird dream about my grandma and it was tied to yesterdays activities very weird in our hold house, not going to say what it was, as it's to weird, yet it includes nothing sexual or anything like that as this is the internet, and people can be very dumb.

Yeah not masturbating gives me ironically more purpose and energy, as I started like this, I had an alarm at 4 am, woke up at 7 am and then finally at 8 am, and all 3 times I had energy to move and no apathy. In meditation this masculine energy is heavily amplified for visualization stuff and creation stuff. etc.

Anyone seriously tested themselves before & re-tested themselves after doing dual n-back to see any serious improvement on IQ? As I was with the psychotherapist I did a mensa screening at home from the official website and colluded with the official mensa forum to take the test or not to get some scholarships etc, and generally if the screening says anything, and they said the same thing go for it and take the chance. Personally as I do a mindfulness meditation with labelling it can be quiet cognitively demanding for example focusing on spacious qualities, flow, expansive qualities and all mixtures and forms of it, then at times nothing is active and I could notice more rest and even that is very active in a sense and I feel definitely drained after doing an at home retreat of 8h-6h, yet generally speaking when I hit 1h I feel drained a bit. So I dunno how this is different in terms of an IQ boost. I felt like I increased mine, as I legit heard synapsis or neurons firing as well as electric wiring and "knack" sounds, when I meditated very very early in my journey in my early twenties like 21-26 years old. I felt my brain became so connected with information, correct & incorrect etc. In contrast to when I do do-nothing type of meditations I solve problems more creatively, yet I don't feel that sharpness and edge, only on retreats with some level of do-nothing focus like... having opened, and it's not as sharp as doing mindfulness with labeling, although I prefer a do-nothing style as I solve more problems based on deep intuition and AHA! moments, I get more of those to explain simply here. Focused meditation styles for me are very exhausting besides the focus on the breath. I did some n-back and generally practied some stuff that was recommended to "increase iq" if you believe so like seeking out novelity, doing things the hard way and networking, I found the website they also write about a study doing this dual n-back training and subjects were able to increase fluid intelligence or working memory, so I did both with labelig meditation and even did nootropics the effect, was every other skill I trained I was 15-20% more efficient and effective, yet I did this maximally for 1 month or 2 weeks, as it was very demanding and a lot of shit happend. Anyone seriously re-tested themselves in anyway? As I did not know at that time I could be part of mensa (I don't care otherwise I would've taken the test already) and just did this as a self-experiment. https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/you-can-increase-your-intelligence-5-ways-to-maximize-your-cognitive-potential/

Watch I don't jerk off and I wake up with full energy, quitting pmo was originally one if my goals, as it never does as well. Then Leo convinced me and generally the consensus exists that in moderation it's great. I dunno also with this Marcel type of video game guy as if does show shadow patterns and patterns I overcame similar when people give their best to offend me it's often the same insecure shit about themselves that bothers them. It's very very very ironic almost. As it's the curse of being average in a sense and hence they project all the negative quality of being average to 5's type of enneagrams as they tend to go for big pictures and generalizations to some extend or expertise. America is especially stupid at times when I see these guys I often give my best to trigger them slightly with Trump voter allegations it's very funny to me. To see just what s1 likes this would believe in, yet it's a lot of average frustrated chumps. Sort of being a slave to mastery is often more enjoyable with efficient 7 qualities for example I dunno how to express constantly and sobriety in intent and quick thinking at an "ultra" level. Since America is still so young as a country it's odd seeing how much stage red Trauma Elements are lived out, where in Europe there is more of a healthy catharsis of this with 1000x sport varieties and online games even nowadays. It's odd. I keep listening to this I asked the Turkish girl out for next week I hope psychedelics arrive or they did not convsfitixatatta it. I could write down what the world test me most often is is dark masculine traits of absolut liberation and providing a healthy amount of clarity and orientation/direction. Drama emotional when problem solving and energy vampires when I live very healthy like smoking etc. As I have karma of accepting everyone and I did smoke, yet I stopped like longtime ago and restarted briefly as I was depressed and very suicidal, now I am 2 years clean, even touched cannabis completely clean. Also this is how suicidal notions started and depression nicotine. As my parents both smoked, but yeah that sort of thing but bla bla you could also use it as a nootripic etc. What I am trying to say is living from deep purpose and making progress by failing is good. The audiobook helps more as it's just made so digestable for a reader to listen to. I dunno I love audiobooks.

Did not really get to a reading I do find "squandering" ones health is the worst type of thing when to do. I listened to the contraction part & living & giving from that contraction be it a business etc. I played with one of these Marcel guys who victimizes themselves and just can't deal with imperfections it's such a weak sense of leadership nobody listens and just appraisal and approval. It's like humans like this denzly there edge. It's odd seeing how likeable and dislikeable America can be at them sometime, also setting loving challenges is very interesting. I did not think about this. Also I know without as much masturbation I generally do more work as I channel that energy to some extend the whole sort of weak masculinity of actualized.org imo, stems from failed channeled sexual energy in many, this is also what I wondered about. & it's not just living a good life it's about living an excellent life. Anyhow, the uni might get some stuff that is very good and saves me money, so I could even visit my family more effectively. Otherwise ambition and challenge wise, especially intellectual as it takes so much time away from sex etc. Also the irony of stuff is the more I was on purpose and I was less thinking about sex the more social I was besides I purposely go out with the intent to experience lust consciously then there is an effort for lust. Just to give from this pent up contraction front breathing thing & state is new to me. Also creating new states like Ralston etc. Yeah hm.... I just realize sort of how fortunate I am. The killing of my inner perfectionist was still the best part, yet I feel if there is no intent to experience perfection at all, then there is no experience of it made available. Some are so arrogant and in a state of juvenile rebellion. It's not confusion. It's juvenile rebellion without leading in a sense that bothered me and where he bullied me. Which is odd, as you can clearly notice when s1 is in his edge it's very different, also my body craves a lot of food. I really dunno what to eat besides cooking large and I get triggered by being good and then the Nazi fking pulls out his cigarette. People subtely abuse space in nasty nasty ways. As I don't cook while watching I find it a stupid dogma to stay with food when I am not interested to cook consciously. I am not at that level of mindfulness practice and peace anymore.

Every point in my lfie is a test or a celebration lol

The nose to the grindstone thing is very simply also part of immature masculinity I am listening to the audiobook again. I dunno like I am playing on the american server it's an insane immaturity it's beyond me at times. it's so toxic it's insane... yeah leauge of legends very fun...

I really don't enjoy treating life as a game, and this nose to the grindstone thing that is incoperated into so many aspects etc. OH also watch a great movie while it's raining.... uhm.... yet more as an experience. I dunno. I might read and post a little smth. about it soonish....

It's raining outside & it's beautiful .... I wish I would have some cannabis right now... dunno if I get into some reading today, tomorrow I work on the project again.

Also to simply schedule the retreats again from Shinzen is very good to come into contact with my purpose but fuck I crave fking sex and shit afterwards it's heavy with a home retreat at this place etc.

If DMT is legalized in California I dunno when I follow my heart I would still like to experience an adventure sort of either in Asia or Mexico, yet all of this spiritual questing so to speak has to be a fuel deep down for this. Not getting laid in that sense. It's also a catchy tune I adopted on fear based from Leo, as it was never as bad, and this was sort of a very rough and unneccessary testing, yet seeing videos from years ago how healthy the guy was etc. It's quiet strong what work ethic he put out, I notice sort of the issue of competing then with him and generally, and even in creation there are like issue, especially with sexual energy then. So I dunno I also don't get as triggered when men give me feedback and normal feedback when I don't masturbate as much. Also did this inner child thingy with Dr. David Tian today, yet the point with Deida is simply this, he said it does not matter yet to be in ones deep purpose, also to set a life purpose like for the entire life is odd. Yet I did it even changed it, I would still love to grew a weed plant in america, do some mushrooms, travel to asia at best both thailand and the philipenes and just nature for sex yes I said it, also visit mexico maybe once, and I dunno otherwise living in America is still a deep calling I feel at times where I get tested by the world etc. So yeah, let's hope for the best. I would most likely also have more passion teaching american kids coding and stuff than germans, as the culture is very sweet when they are normal usually. Like super sweet and interesting. I could also I bet do some more spiritual stuff and create a community of some sort, here I don't find it as engaging etc. Anyway, I'd have to get into specifics right now it's simply do a "Fortbildung" within the company, when the boss is back ask for this etc. So they know and they might use me etc. So I can build a skillset here and deepen spiritual practice mostly. Also especially deepen my spiritual practice could be very important for now, I did not notice how much the issue of sex and cleanliness even might play a role, but yeah I dunno at times. It's enough.

Also when I am using sexual energy more consciously and I masturbate only once or twice a week and really go out, for example all of this internal sexual energy will get centered around my heart space and it's the energy of creation from David Deidas talks, I do some practices for example, yet energetically I am so fk*ed it's better when I do this at a 9to5 as it's not as bad then. As it's survival on a boat so to speak and we do set anchor at different stations to resupply, the issue is just when I am home, and then channeling that energy. Adovacting to much sex, when you have a very high sex drive so it oblierterats ones purpose is not so good, it's better if I can live it out with a girl and austerity and challenge are two masculine qualities, I've did a lot of austerity craving type things, and also challenge type of things, so right now austerity is more the game again. Gym session was super whack, yet I do what I can so to speak. I will also completely stop squatting due to the knee injury and just do this hip thrusting thing and build triceps & biceps, I notice building the strength of my arms gave me the biggest joy, before it was the whole body, not just arms makes me feel my heart in a sense and strong from inside out. Uhm... yeah.... then the Deida stuff & America and my new friends, I hope I can get to some readings and just stop the excessive masturbation thingy, besides when I really need it during exam periods I just dunno can't give a fuck, as it helps me, to sleep otherwise it's just excessive sort of masturbation. I wish I could take a break and be at place to deeply think about my life purpose, sex was definitely part of it and doing these sexual practices even if it's in austerity, I would do it rather with a partner, as I know my and I will jerk off just massively as I don't see the point if there are not to many options. I might text the turkish/german girl today, and find a deeper center. Also the feedback of friends for example and this goal commitment thingy if we would do it in a healthy sports spirit, it would be good, yet I find it challenging career wise, due to the lack of spiritual depth, I would need to set spiritual challenges in a sense with them, as I would have a better gain like stretch for x amount or sit on sunday for 3h or saturday etc. Do psychdelics every second months etc. These are challenges worthy or in terms of getting girls, yet this also diminished. I thought about some Deida & integral workshops, and just the reminders how the world is testing oneself and how often I gave up right before the success would happen as the drama is so immense for an emotional person and it's often from the most unrelateable and stupid minor things, I dunno at times how to resolve this. Besides loving these problems and acting slightly psychopathic with love, like a loving psychopath that rapes you / ravishes you in love and just emotionally threatens you, but does no physical harm, like you'd be so bamboozled you'd be stuck in a stockholm syndrom and expect to be ravished again ?, that is how I feel at these moments. Using sexual energy more consciously generally gave me somewhat more real life results, especially like I am so in touch with masculine energy due to not depleting it in excess masturbation and orgasm. I dunno it's odd and I also wake up earlier when I don't masturbate for example for a couple of days. I just generally can enjoy femine things more, yet at times my dark masculine sort of power drive takes over as I would get into fights, as this somehow is a threatening energy when others threaten your energy when you hold eye contact at the gym for example. I don't like it as people often will greet me or find me sympathic or give me a heads up body language thing, like what's up *moves head upwards* at night time it's not as bad as this energy is more embraced, so I can look guys into the eyes and girls, and it's a social thing, in the gym it's just monkeys powering, at work it's social hierachy powering, and at a club it's mostly a bit more nuanced it's not as power oriented as in these settings. During the day there is the social shame factor of it, I dunno it's odd some people really enjoy having eye contact due to this excessive starring from my mother I was bothered by it, so it's for me better to do this with an intimate partner and deeply show feelings that way. etc. Anyway. Small thingy here. Would be cool to finally move to America, I would most likely enjoy italian, spanish and maybe some other northern country like netherlands type of work culture more. I dunno. Anyway that is it from me... Canada could also work, if they are distant but compassionate. That is why I am still interested in sweden, yet they seem more familiar with stuff. I dunno, couple of companies I could go to, if I ask the right person if I did some work on projects etc. Definitely Switzerland is the most attractive thing, yet it's better to do stuff within the company first.. I presume.

Done with the audiobook was a very good refresher about what it means to be masculine and to not deny the dark masculine desire and trust it otherwise the girl won't trust it, the issue then still is collectively how toxic is it. Not going to be easy to find a deep purpose again, as I heavily included my body in this subconsciously.

It's funny how they often recommend 10 minutes, I currently don't vibe with the weekly goal thing etc. I could also engage in sexual activity less in terms of masturbation when I really crave living from my deepest gift, that is why I wished to have a partner, I do feel there are some things especially the goal and commitment part from the masculine thing, as I did this so much in the recent years, I sort of burned out this part, and there is a deep sprititual yearning for a deeper realization so I can go back into that depth, and also not take swines with me, I don't like some men who act all connected, yet are way more disconnected than they realize. These people really need nature or smth. A bit hyped about my psychdelic trip and doing the work progression thingy within the company and doing some reading. Also inspiring to have a new friend that also would like to work in life in america.

Also the point of financial freedom is all spiritual to me, I find deep strength in spiritual depth when I can meditate for this and it's like I would scream I love money, as I deeply feel it, what to do about this?

I am grateful for getting back into my spiritual purpose of life and see that as a priority I am thankful for the audiobook the way of suprior man I am thankful that I made new friends I am thankful that I can meet the needs of my self I am thankful I connected to my purpose more deeply today and was more on schedule Also embracing dark masculine desire in a healthy way is the current crux, of a lot of stuff. I feel that part has been restrained heavily with a single-mother household and only "women" as status figures it's not good. Listening to the way of suprerior man etc.

Went to the gym and did some life purpose oriented stuff, that was not corrupted by this materalistic pleasure seeking and I had this so deeply, also that there are multiple parts with multiple purposes in this IFS concept, yet all of this is not as advanced as Deida and I am lookg and as I did more work. Also a lot of naysayers about the spiritual stuff are deeply stuck in stage orange it's very pleasent to meet spiritual people at stage orange or achiever. I listend to the Dr. Tian Podcast and did his meditation. The deeper my spiritual purpose the more in alignment I am with my work and relationships, as this was for me about finances I got so side-tracked into another part of purpose of mine, that I can't even properly life anymore it's weird.

I dunno why I should ruin my fun on purpose with toxic kids, it's still odd to realize the immaturity of online culture. Especially, when I do one little consciounes practice how fast this goes and how heavy I am tested sort of. I am more interested how working within the company will be I dunno if I ever be truly happy, due to my vision original being more scientific in nature, yet due to the heavy orange discourse of it and not having enough green science. At minimum I started to dislike it. Especially then putting in the hard work & also considering the life purpose. I don't feel like I've been at a place where I can consciously enjoy life. The emotional testing of others and how somehow the conservative side of me appears and the guilt tripping of this intellectual stuff. I dunno I enjoy the vibe of the company very much in my head it's still very different. I don't vibe well with toxicity when I am alone a lot of the times, it does not even mean I need people, yet this tribal online toxicity is just unfun. It's the nastiest form of immaturity I've witnessed since I was bullied at basketball as I had more charisma, charm and skill and toxic people are envious of likeable and socially skilled people. They put them down for their own state and to get into their own little toxic relationship. I dunno it's odd currently. I'll talk to the therapist to do the whole course again from Leo is just not really the move. I even did the other course where it was a bit more about this stuff and. I dunno what type of entertainment. I would enjoy originally I journaled by hand to digest all of these emotions as I felt like some Germans are cold and utterly dumb Nazis. Anyway, I'll listen so some David Deida purpose is currently not really there. Due to the injury I found a lot of purpose in lifting & coding & reading also education. Yet like all answers are found for this mostly in contemplation and meditation sitting down thinking for hours I would get and did get to similar conclusions and training plans. Reality is some level of coaching is missing, that I yearned to do, yet to bring in spirit into my work.... was the biggest gift to me.... like Allah or w/e. I don't care as much anymore. I'll talk to the psychotherapist at best, yet if I pay for cheap practical burn-out advice. Just no.

https://integrallife.com/sentio-ergo-sum-the-emotional-line-of-development/?utm_source=Integral+Life+Newsletter&utm_campaign=190ee98752-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2023_09_20_08_07&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-190ee98752-[LIST_EMAIL_ID]&goal=0_de2cfb3770-190ee98752-50544053&mc_cid=190ee98752 Thought about this just read and talked for 1h to my mother. Again this online-gaming culture was so childishly toxic I deleted a guy who I helped in a game, yet people who call me stupid are like instant deleted. I helped him directly via pm, not some group thingy it's weird how dumb you can also be is incredible. It just shows how much this single-mother parenting goes in a sense, many have no ambition in life whatsoever to do smth. big when they are brought up like this, as they are ultra sensetive to harmony and manipulate like toxic little girls. It's the biggest childishness and immaturity, especially when you did not have some level of "thoughing up" from other males just to show you oh damn this is how people are here if you seriously are interested in doing stuff, but anyway.