ValiantSalvatore

I only meditated for 1h. I will watch the new episode today and do another retreat day where I will meditate longer. I am still strugeling with structure development regardless of internal or external. Shinzen also gave me this advice the first time I talked to him. I will definitely buy the retreat from 9-11 of August. The more Leo talks, the more my observations are becoming a reality because his talk is ingrained in knowledge while I am left with notions and impressions which I reflect and can't talk to another besides a few people about. I feel I can open and change boundaries and this is also a reason why I dislike programmers and rather become an engineer. I don't like the level of consciouness the people around me currently are at. I saw some Hitler speaches already, they are absolutely mind-blowing, tbh I feel even motviated to kill jews as a black person. But, I definitely want to use my physical journal to start planning the restructuring also one friend of mine has his birthday on friday or so, and one of his friends which is an INTP. Is also coming I love this guy since we can actually talk and he has his masters. He enjoys business a lot.

First day: I only did 6h of meditation nothing new. I did one three hour block with 20 min break and again 1h30 meditation, one 1h block in the morning and just now a 2h block to be exact a 1h and 53min block. My brain somehow blocks me from going deep and other factors are my posture or the technique that I am using, I have a lot of sensory clarity, but somehow I feel I lack concentration power and equanimity. But sensory clarity is very very high. If I could know every area in my body, I could describe it as well as I can besides when flow kicks in. Not sure if i will do another 1h, I will do my small workout it rained and I don't know if it will rain again. I don't have a gym sub here.

@kieranperez This is amazing !

I'll write my entry later than 12:00 to keep my word. On how I will structure the weekend retreat. Meanwhile I found this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Low_frustration_tolerance Okay, I am not making an extra post. I checked so far what I wanted to check and came to some conclusions first off I'll write some stuff. I don't quite get why or how rather how the guy from unspirituality debunks Leo's video about fixing some child in africa. So, I did not watch both of these videos fully, partially obviously. Yet, the things Leo has been talking about recently seems to be he hit permanently stage coral I assume on the spiritual line. Let's say for aspects self. The point is I already heard people talking about this even crazier stuff, that I can't recall only in the sense of dimensions. Or Shinzen Youngs Makyio experience, I do think that first of all it's impossible and second of all of it is possible. I did not read much into the psychdelic topics around shamanism and their pratices to compare experiences based on historical "evidence" or report. Therefore, I am left with nothing but impressions and notions which annoy me currently. So, I do want to test some of this, since I heard and followed and talked to only ONE, person who says similar stuff. So, I am curious since it is sooooo rare that people conflate, psychedelics, science with science background, and spirituality. Take Sadghuru he disregards psychdelics most likely, but I highly doubt that he did not experience very rare states or experiences if according to him he planned his own rebirth from what I read here on the forum. The point is I had a similar experience which is definitely not that close and I did not use any psychedelics, which I have not done in a year now approx. And the spiritual traditions are to stuck up to talk about such topics, as well as science besides a few psychdelic users. I would love to see Leo talk to a researcher since I currently discredit science a lot, when I take a sample of the level of consciouness of the average master student or even phd, it's part of the problem. Working makes them conscious but rather automatic. I am still not at a point where I feel super conscious, and as I said I want to do a restructuring and re-planning. I passed the second hardest test for me this semester with a better grade that I thought, but it's so different this time because I read the calnew port books. As dumb as this might sound but I tested this with LSD, the more I know the more dogmatic I become since I tend to focus on quality ( which is a mistake according to atomic habits) instead of quantity, so I want to hit that one thing across the ball park or whatever now can ring the bell. Therefore, I am getting the hang of it, but I am missing something which I can find either only through books or through pratice, I can't pinpoint what, besides that frustration and anger are two things which ultimately are obstacles on my path. Yet, I also want to redo the LP course I think, but I am not sure I rather read more more more books. For my retreat I make a small reading segment of 1h for each day, that is enough to get back into some more reading and start on that on monday with my restructuring. Not sure what else to write about besides that I want to do more cbt and visualizations as well, as take one or two days to do the readings of various links I found on the net and on the forum. Also to read the actualized.org textbook since I wrote a lot down during the lpc videos. I know where he has the ideas from, mostly it's not a secret, nothing of this can or cannot be a secret. I mean how dumb am I or you ??? People suddenly want to storm area 51, everyone seems to talk about consciouness, the darknet, pedophile epstein, more and more dmt videos that people start to act as if they did DMT and have a report. I mean if there is something that could instantly give you a pass through every releam in the entire universe, without repercussions would you do it ? Or rather continue living in form. I can't keep track of how many coincidences seem to happen anymore, my dreams have been akward when I get around 6-7h of sleep only. I will look into some performance stuff for now, but it's quite interesting which maps depict what. Hm... I also start to like the perspective ot atheans but 999999999999999999% of people will dismiss this on the forum, since acquisition of knowledge seems to be only by talk and opinions of others, not through someone who shifted through thoundsands of books or did 10000h of pratice or SOMEONE WHO TOOK THE EFFORT TO WRITE AN ENTIRE BOOK. I am quite unsure, what to think of knowledge currently, it seems so pathetic, arrogant, humbeling, fun there is no point adding adjectives because, it is just what it is in this world, with my form, with so many people, with so many emotions, with so much suffering, with so much culture, with so much evolution. But, even when I feel conscious and perceive it. It's insane how unconscious humans still are, which gives me a lot of leeway to make excuses and even get away with it. Also others, yet I want to know and I'll ask potentially shinzen or someone I could feel i'd get an answer what collective unconsciouness is in the spiritual domain. Is it just the average of shit cu** thoughts of the particular space time continum. Is this still to you Green/Purple ? NewAge , WuWu stuff ? I don't know many people who walked the entire path and experienced WuWu Stuff from higher authorities. Funny how all of this in the end mixes till ONE kills it. The point is what Leo is doing is more hyperradical, meditation, science and being a psychonaut, I could not even think of 1000 people doing this so strategically and methodically. I can be wrong also, yet I want to experience some of this stuff again, the kriya experience surely was odd as fk. Weirder then psychdelics for me, since I want absolute lala in a sense but what if some of it is true, there are entire sections of what I did on youtube just because I messed around. How deep is everything connected to one thing. If we are all one, are all thoughts and experiences one ? So if Leo taps into collective consciouness healing a black baby in northen europe, is he one with the mother also who feeds and nutures the child with positive intentions ? It's similar to how I flet I proccessed the dream of my friends girlfriend who slept, and I had this two times, also with another girl. But, the whole point is I could not verfiy it, the other girl I am not sure I told her about it. My friends girlfriend I don't like her and the experience was devlish. My friend denied all of the experiences I had and said he experienced the complete opposite, but I can't somehow trust him on his word but I also do. The point is he does not meditate and wanted to try it and I wanted to try it with a friend so thats that. Anyway here I go with my structure of the retreat attempt 1: Two days same routine approx: ( Usually I would start fridays, but I goofed off/up its off for me.) 08:00 - 08:30 shower, glass of water, 08:30 - 09:30 first meditation session 1h (with binaureal beats) 09:30 - 11:00 mandatory stuff + food ( since I goofed up in the ass today - pls ffs tell me more about collective unconsciouness) 11:00 - 14:00 First 3h block of meditation 1h30 back to back. ( I'll try this ) 14:00 - 15:00 Ih break walk outside to the park or take the bike. 15:00 - 17:00 Try first non psychdelics 2h sit with minimal movement 17:00 - 17:30 small break re-fresh, water, minima amount of food fruits ! 17:30 - 20:30 another 3h block of meditation 20:30 - 21:30 (ideally or 22:00) work out , I am not breaking this habit under no circumstances 21:30 - 22:00 eat 22:00 - 23:00 read 1h wilber 23:00 bed. Day 2: 06:00 wake up 06:00 - 06:30 shower, glass of water 06:30 - 08:00 meditate 1h30 (binaureal beats !) 08:00 - 09:00 eat, walk outside and meditate or review shinzen technique notes 09:00 - 12:00 try first 3h sit 12:00 - 13:00 read wilber 1h, eat fruit, drink water 13:00 - 16:00 3h meditation session 1h30 blocks. 16:00 - 16:30 break, eat minimal amount of food, potentially write online 16:30 - 19:30 3h sit 19:30 - 20:30 workout 20:30 - 21:30 eat 21:30 - 23:00 or 22:30 meditate either to feel postitive techniques or buy the guided meditation that I wanted to do because of this echoing technique ! That would be it for now: I would in total meditate for: Day 1 - 10h meditation Day 2 - 11h30 I think this is good and goes beyond 2-4h of a shinzen retreat. zen retreats are usually shorther the largest amount of meditation session revolved around 4 sehssins a day amounting to 6h of practice a day. With kinhin which I do only 30 mins of or so if even or w/e. I am not familar yet with breathing exercises so my workouts in combination with meditation are limited by my skill there. It will be constricted to only labeling and I will specifically use this time feel out , see out , and hear in. My imagination will drive my away. For pratice I will still go with choiceless awarness, I like this because I am chaotic and I like zen. Doing nothing and labeling is the best of both world for me currently, I also had the kriya experience that way. Partially since it just happend. Enough for now, I will rely on this post and not my bullet journal for the structure, I will put my laptop away in another room and solely use my phone for meditation music and apps or timer. After this I have 8 out of 14 minimum days to achieve tangilbe (significant) results and progress in meditation according to shinzen youngs adivce. I want to attend the retreat in august. On Monday I will restructure I assume it will take more than one day, so I will see. Btw, I also received the internship now fully. Let's see how much I can learn from a prof who "lectured" at columbia lol. (P.S he won't teach ass ) I will only watch this for the retreat and I will see which concepts will still arise.

The new law is out for handeling the new research chemicals on the market since two days now. I am sharing the link with the discussion and the actual law signed also by the president of Germany. https://www.reddit.com/r/researchchemicals/comments/ceb0yt/new_npsg_released_in_germany/

@tedens Someone in the comments mentioned they do it because of some EU regulations. Not sure why.

Finally Leo endorses reading this: http://www.cook-greuter.com/Cook-Greuter 9 levels paper new 1.1'14 97p[1].pdf I've been skimming and reading this paper since two years from time to time. I want to finally transcend the ego fully. Also, Germany is just retarded. They released the new law now yesterday about psychedelics rendering the base components illegal. https://www.reddit.com/r/researchchemicals/comments/ceb0yt/new_npsg_released_in_germany/

Exams are over for now. I am thinking about doing a weekend retreat testing my limits regarding meditation and after that on monday to restructure my entire approach to learning I will write how I will do it either today or tomorrow. And also look into 5-MeO or 1P-LSD and go for it. That is it.

@Rilles That would be nice, other larger cities seem to have a problem with pollution too. I'll check it out. For e.g Paris.

@Rilles y this is what I thought, yet is urbanisation not prevelant? I've been to Shanghai for a couple of days, yet mostly as a tourist. I lived in Beijng though for 6 months. AlsoI visited, Xiamen and the venice of China I forgot the name and the trip was quite random. Would love to see a Green China, they actuslly built the largest telescope not sure when to explore life on other planets. Pollution was abnormal in Beijing. I could nor even see the mall across the street sometimes.

@Leo Gura The youth is quite Orange/Green a bit or normal orange. Yet, yes most are blue/orange with some the elderly seeming to be quiet red sometimes. Beijing even has some green elements mostly through foreigners living there.

I liked the new episode, I asked a friend who finished studying political science she explained the same thing to me Leo did with Athens and Greek and how it was back then. For instance most women where slaves and most men between the ages 25-39 where forced to participate in votings and in the political discourse in Greece / Athens. She also explained various sociological aspects, but nothing including consciouness. I gave some examples with Oshos cult how that has been partially done in the past trying to build a "conscious" community, but that was somehow dismissed. @Leo Gura China is amazing! The gap between the rich and poor is ridiculous I never saw so many rolls royces and masaratis but especially rolls royces in Beijing. In our office they called the "water guy" who brought in water bottles giant, yes that was his actual job he brought water bottles for the water cooler. I have no idea how they do it in larger officies, but that just seemed odd. Since he had a weird carriage. I don't know exactly what happend after Mao, yet a pragmatist called Deng Xiao Ping rose to power and gave the people means to do proper agriculture and techniques how to farm, because Mao forced the farmers to melt their tools iron etc. Just to push the economy and help China to become a world leader. After that they had a lot of famine and millions IIRC died because of this. The social structure of China is way to evolved for the westerners, natural compassion and fialial piety etc. + their history with empires and women and men roles etc. Is very different from the individualistic west. People are a lot more naturally more compassionate and care about their neighbours they truly are holding together. Yet, they see the goverment as God that is what my supervisor told me as I asked about their belives about God and such and for instance if people really ask their parents instead of how was I made how do I grow ? Which is more process oriented etc. (Besides the women and men role which is not very evolved yet , but the way people treat each other is more compassionate and the elderly for instance are able to take care of themselves just because there are some small strucutres like parks or workout things for elderly and the culture obviously playing board games etc outside you can find them everywhere and people eating at night on the streets with some tasty street food) I lived still in a very westerner district called DongZhiMen in Beijing, buying breed in the morning was already and adventure , especially going by subway to work. Still, they don't have any social security or health care if you are lucky the company provides you with that, the goverment as far as I know does not do that. Since, historically the kids were your health security, social security and or rent. Also when talking about politics there are think tanks which are research institutes which create biased or only positive evidence for oil companies and for simplisities sake lobbiests. It's not very objective and more focused on profit and the private sector.

I definitely noticed I can't programm very well, comparing myself to someone who started at a very young age and generally uses phython it's insane how fast he can come up with solutions, this and my whole self-identified story dragged me down yesterday. I don't know why, yet living here in my hometown is depressing for me. If I go out with a bike etc. I can enjoy living here, but having demands on me and thinking about how I worked here in the past etc. I want to do some exercises that help me to get out of victim mentality, also to focus on positive motivation, instead of avoidance. I feel so sleepy like I have not felt in a long time, all I want to do is sleep and I somehow feel depressed. I can't even tell if it is something subtle even like energy in the house or smth. like this. I just don't feel good because I realized that I can't programm very well yet and that my degree did not help me a lot in learning this skill, the script from the professor is the worst kind of shit I've seen in a while and I never had a lecture that was so depressing, all to his benefit. He has more time for other things etc. I also don't like this region I can't stand it anymore. This collective thinking here is driving me sucidial, I am not sure why or how this happens. I just don't want to be near these people. Or hear them speak.

The timer is again active and the site will close in about two minutes. I fixed the problem and impelmented one thing the professor was bickering about, reading again about politics and such wants me to read books. I am very desperate at the moment to get to wednesday and then have two weeks off, where I can restructure and plan everything. I worked out 4 times last week, this is good for not having access to a gym, the food my mom buys is not very good. And this region makes me feel depresive the same for the old house and the situation at home with my grandma, makes me feel uncomfrotable to often.

I don't sometimes get why american politics needs to be such a show, like a talk show or even reality tv. It's nice that the USA scores higher in self-expression values and you can see that reflected in their programms or the variety of people you would meet in new york and such. 10 people in a political debate is a zoo or a circus partially. I mean it's very interesting because it feels so gossipy and there seems to be hype etc. Still compare that with Japan or Germany with high secular values. Or sweden / denkmark who score both high in secular and self-expressive values. For e.g this is the largest german debate I could find it's very calm and everyone is sitting. I don't know if this is history based and knights sitting around a round table. And americans doing a stand off or duel. I like american politics in the sense that it is an event where every one can participate. Yet, it's very odd seeing it from a far I could even vote potentially for americas presidential election in 2020. So, this does partially concerns me, yet it's very different seeing it from a far. I could not for instance imagine trump sitting in such round with for e.g obama, joe bidden, bush and hilary clinton. Not sure what would happen but watching american politics just seems odd, that it is such an "event".

I could not fix the problem till now, I tired different approaches but I can't implement the behaviour that I want to. I want to take the whole thing apart now and see what I can do tomorrow morning. I will go to bed, I am not very happy to be here and I can see how this effects my mood. I am not the kind of person who easily hides his emotions, I mean I don't let you notice it but I can't really fake my mood. I definitely want to go to bed now, I don't know why I started thinking so bad about white color or people in the last two years, because I read into all of the historical and cultural background of slavery and stuff like this. Not sure how it was before, but after almost watching the new video entirely I notice and this is what I complain is not here in Germany, but in France as far as I perceive things. There is not collective, of foreigners it's a different with the newer generation, especially thanks to sports. The younger the better in that sense most of the time even a couple of years somehow seem to make a difference. Yet, the culture is not the same and even when I grew up in a german household, meaning at home with my family in Germany. I feel I am often able to read both cultures, including the american culture sure not as deep as an american or potentially full blown German. Yet, it forces me in the position of an individual without a collective. I can act as I am part of the collective which can happen, yet the collective also need to allow that. Some are more individualistic and a lot of bla. Yet, it's sort of unfortunate. I just want to travel again and be part of the global tribe. Even if that can also be stage blue. Yet, seeing something else besides this region even if traveling is not the ultimate fulfillment is nice.

I am partially done with the project, having a couple of other projects and not using hitlers script. Works out for now, I found a mistake in my friends code and now I am trying to fix that. The project is due on Wednesday. I hope I'll get it done, the professor said he is going to accept the application and I definitely want to work around this whole victim mentality thing again, and also read the book from breene brown again which is quiet short. I am happy when I am done on wednesday, I also convinced my friend to do some workouts he started but went overboard now he is dead ... Not sure why he goes ham. But, fine. I did not watch Leos video entirely. I still have to laugh about the word platypus and also the animal. It's cute and funny. Otherwise using my phsyical journal back home is great. So, I'll rely more on that I did this a lot here and in China + London. I actually have 8 volumes full of this type of greatness. Sarcasm applied. Also a lot of shadow work. I hope I don't loose gains here, my mom buys a lot of junk food which she never does when alone. I scolded her for doing it. I don't like this, yet I don't know why she still does it. She does not do me a favour and I struggle with not eating it, since I eat for energy ... and I don't really care what it is. I don't like food and can go for long times studying complaining that I have to eat. Eating can be annoying. I also don't like it when people force their food on me and I am not sure if I want to eat it or not. Instead of just talking about it and offering it they immediately use ego and guilt if I not eat food. The great ego. I am happy when wednesday is over. I want to re-apply for shinzen youngs lpp and ask him questions about behaviour change and no-self. I meditated on my regular 1h schedule again, although the time was off. I notice my identification with myself moved from the body into the brain, head solely now. The body is not fully seperated anymore, but still evokes emotions. Also I looked into some cs topics. I actually did parts of them, I am still not sure if I want to go to a TU or to a uni. I will decided based on courses, interest and if I can do it even. I just don't want to ever see web programming again or internet programming, cloud computing etc. Fine, but not internet programming. AND PHP!!!!!!! I want to re-arrange my projects and I am never ever taking again so many projects when I am still struggle with following through. This was just uneccessary, I want to re-read this journal starting on wednesday !

Also the point about the prefrontal cortex is elaborated.

I definitely slacked off the last couple of days. This is to be expected, I am still not used to working pain free and it's more behaviour driven and induces less guilt and shame around not understanding or knowing something. I am not sure what to reflect about, so I make a small list. 5-MeO Meditation Workout Studying Productivity Sleep Routine University I'll take productivity for now, it's a bit odd that I notice know how important my enviroment is to keep it clean or either to be in a deeper routine where I can focus alone on working etc. When I go back home there are all of these old triggers, I hope so often that it is going to be different and it can be different, the point is I need some time to adjust. I can't expect that things will turn out different so fast, even if I did study at home for some period of time, because I was injured and it worked great. I want to make myself conscious that I can be conscious now while studying and not treat it as a means to an end, as something I have to do, as something I must do, but as something I enjoy CONSCIOUSLY. Not unconciously, long study session feel like meditation and I can implement techniques while reading/coding/breathing etc. I can study CONSCIOUSLY. This is the important for me to realize. I don't like the concept of hard work personally because it as the "social connotation" that it's the hard working lower social classes who value this. I don't like this idea, I don't like this believe. I do like to work. So, I see it more as performance, I'll try the frame of mind of performance solely. Since a circus can be found at an social mileau. Otherwise I will try to change my old room tonight, so I am not forced into unconscious stuff. Also, working up suddenly even 1h earlier when I wake up at 06:00 am normally does not work. 5:45 works. I can try 5:30, but I will go with 5:45 for now. Anything else ? Yes University. I really can't tell sometimes where I want to go and if I even made the exams. One thing I notice about my productivity even if this sounds a bit arrogant is that, if the subject is not complex even if I like it I become bored and perform worse. If the subject is to complex and I am interested then I will feel lost and I can adjust by working more and asking questions. I can hardly tell if I overestimate or underestimate myself, growing up without a father did not let me test my limits, since as I said before my mother reacts badly when challenged and this is what young kids do. She does not understand, she does not read, she maybe reads some thriller etc. Now, I am stuck in this weird position where I am often left on my own with some room to test if I can do it or not. Without any internal back up. When I sit down and study I understand complex topics, sometimes I question am I smart enough etc. I also don't like how people patronize me sometimes because of skin color in a "compassionate" way, hearing the ton of this voice, sounds like someone is talking to an animal. Seriously, this triggers me and makes me feel guilty without any reason, besides that it's some scapegoating or w/e. Meditation: I only meditated for 30 mins the last two days for whatever reason, I am not very motivated when I am back home, it's nice from time to time, but I hate this city. I don't like it, I don't like the region, I don't like their collective unconsciouness, I don't like how they speak, I don't like how they act sometimes. What I like about this area that it is in general quiet and the nature is beautiful. I don't know if I will ever be able to stop talking bad about this region, sure there are some awesome people which make me think the region is great. But, there are only a few. After a meditation session I am reminded why I do it, but 1h sessions feel so, normal now. That I can't tell if anything changes. From watching the last video from Leo while I cooked called "How to be a results maker" or smth similar. He pointed out that patience is key... I keep asking subconsciously where is the outcome. I also want to do retreats again ideally to one in August from Shizen over a weekend to add another 3 days. So, I would have 5 days left this year to meet the minimum. My stretching definitely does not work. I listend to a new audiobook about attraction and I definitely want to change my porn consumption. I don't watch much ? Depending on how busy I am or how much willpower I bring up to focus on different things. I go between 1-2 weeks without mastrubating naturally. Through nofap. Or once a week. (What the book recommends without porn). When I am very ambitious and want to get things done or push my meditation. I go longer ranging mostly from 24-60days. Longest I time I abstained was 90 days. I never went longer I thought it's okay and accept my compassion exercises and get over it. I also meditate afterwards sometimes just to feel how my body feel it feels like my body is taking a toll and produces a lot of heat and small uncomfortable sensations that I would ascribe to exhaustion, yet very sublte. A workout feels similar but more pleasureable afterwards. I also don't feel very conscious afterwards depending on before often yes, but afterwards no. There are some exercises David Deida recommends I tried it not often enough to say that it works. But, that would be conscious masturbation. Potentially I can get to this point.

I made a plan for today and while I am sittig at a friends house I will code, I am not very productive when I get back home this is horrible. I'll hope I'll get the project finish in time. Not sure what to post else. Hot topic seems to be porn or collective consciouness. Leos new video ... gives more clues about the great filter But, I need 5-MeO enough.

I am back home. I visted my friend and he finished the programming part the basics of it in 3h. I still don't quiet figure how he did it he codes since he was in his teens. I was a bit suprised and now I can focus on the project and implement what I understand, he explained a few concepts I hope. I'll get the project done, otherwise I don't feel like writing much or been on track with accountability, I'll use instagram workout posts again. And see how well this goes, worked for a pretty long time.

I notice I spend again a lot of time on the forum, I am happy that I can relax and take a day off from studying start tomorrow again strong and help my friend with the company. I can open up the application process for my internship which I will do, the prof already sent me the topic. I can't tell how much I love this guy, I swear to god I am going to cry again out of happiness and thankfulness. Next: I gained some shoulders for some weird reason, I thought I'd gain more muscels i eat approx. 20 - 40 g protein after I worked out I sweat a lot during the exercises they are cardio based/strength/explosive based contrast workout the method is called. I look like a gay wuss, but that is okay with me. The more authentic people appreciate it, so they don't look all to ridiculous some just want to work it that's it. Also, I sometimes I can't tell if you can trust my vibes or not, and some people are just dumb. Like bro, i am not stealing your headphones because I am working out next to them. I will go back by train and pack some stuff with me, and read while I am in the train i can't read wilbers book it's to big and reading some cracky Martin Ball ( Ti User) book with mandelbrot number fractels is a bit to freaky. I'll continue reading the book about the red queen theory. I am sort of bored, but I am just happy to write something and sleep in my cushy bed today, instead of some old stinky matress from the dorm. I like the dorm room though, I can work a lot better here. One thing about consertives I like, they are quiet. Thank you for that.

@Pilgrim A friend of mine recently went to Las Vegas to fullfill his dream of becoming an actor. He already went there in 2015 and even if he received a couple of jobs and worked as a background actor. He told me there are a lot of opporunity I've never been to Vegas he was in one show and he showed me that I loved it obviously ! But ! He did not have a secure job or a certificat or a degree in something he was just relying on his skills and talents which he has. But he has no financial means to fullfill his dream or a degree for instance to simply have the connections to other in this creative field. So, he did not succeed. 6 months is a small period of time considering that humans live quiet long and have a life time ahead of you assuming your are not 60 or so! The best bet imo you can make is to be strategic about it. Learning a lot of stage orange techniques, ideas or concepts about time management, success, planning or project mangament systems etc. Yet, when you feel or intuit that the work you are currently doing is not it. And you want to find your why or already found it this is also great ! You can take the time and search for your why incase I understand correctly and for instance journal or write about why you want to pursue an endeavour and keep creating this meaning for you by taking action ! This is the most important part, you could do. Also, if you like CMS and you can do something creative with it that is also a fantastic way for some creative project. The point is you can only know what is right for you or not, taking some time off and going to a park or cycling, meditating, anything that could create some creative space for solitary thinking is a great way to find some true reasons, meaning, intention or motivation. Especially as an introverted person. For e.g I like and love to observe and just watch non-judgementally, so I love bike rides going out into nature and moving towards a destination, eating an ice there and go back home while I enjoy the small tour and the ice cream there. Other people also invoce incentives for thinking about what I want etc. Sometimes I like to go outside with my bike and read a book by some small creek or river. ( I rarely can do this atm) Also speaking from my personal example the more disciplined I become the more freedom I have if I pursue what I want to do. So, I generate a lot of meaning and a feeling of accomplishment and moving forward, also freedom for myself. This is also awesome if you can share this with others who are open. The best thing is that you know your why ! Many people don't know this and just end in the meaninglessly chopping away at some menial job, and they could actually achieve more regardless which endeavour. (I am still somewhere in the midst of that). The be strategic and judicious about it is a safe risk you can take without causing to many setbacks. I personally don't think quitting is good in this situation. The certificat could open also new doors potentially, or be a security measure for preventing for e.g financial setbacks (even part-time) which would prevent you from following your creative pursuits. Going all-in in a creative endeavour without any security or degree is risky. I like your approach but, I figure who am I to talk about such things. Hope this is somehow helpful.

Note to me: Don't forget the new coach.I don't think I can find better information abot PD than from him in a very pratical sense. He reads wilber and meditates since he is very young is a coach for decades etc. I think this is true tourquise approach guessing someones spiritual progress is a bit more difficult I hope this well be easier when I can reach no-self.

Okay, the exam was fine. I did very well in some sense, that exam was very easy compared to other exams. I took the time to correct my handwritting since it is not very readable. I forgot one thing and potentially have one aspect wrong that I attributed to the thing I forgot. The examples at the end I hope they are fine. Also the explainations about two things where I only used common sense, because I did not write that down during the last class, But I described what it does partially correct, I did not name one main point that I knew but is asked in the definition of the script. I hope my prudent answer is enough. No sarcasm intended. Anyway it's a pass an a good mark I assume at least. Otherwise I am happy for now, but I still have the programming project due till next week, I hope I can get it done if yes. I have 8 months of coding ahead of me in one single topic!! And a new found proclivity to working hard after the kriya experience, I don't feel as much pain anymore and my body feels a bit surreal. But that is a different discussion. I hope I passed the other test, so I don't see web-based programming anymore. I dislike it a lot, I don't know why, some aspects are interesting but most of it is. Design and I often don't like to be put into sterotypes not at all. Since, https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ It's a pop quizz but I like stuff like this. I can't find the test which as scientifically validated and based on color... https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-accurate-are-personality-tests/ https://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/health/06iht-color.1.19983382.html (Performance and colors)