ValiantSalvatore

@Shiva Is this not what scrum is preventing ? Since, they keep asking the client each iteration for feedback and adjust the product accordingly, I don't know how it plays out in practice or in the real world.

@Zigzag Idiot I know the map and could describe it in a basic form all quadrants, all lines, all levels etc. I had to google the word lynchpin I thought it means something else, but now I know. True many orange people fall under this category. I like to read about biases for instance cognitive biases, and shadow work shows how self-decption can work. I did not have many mystical experiences besides a few, based on psychdelics and without a couple of weird experiences. So, I don't know as much about them. In Wilbers new book he explains subtle, casual, non-dual etc stages in Integral Psychology he did not explain it IIRC. But explained terms like vison logic and talked about psychologist like william james.

@Zigzag Idiot Yes, that very well may be I did read the book, yet I mostly liked the maps of mystecism. I listend to a lot of audiobook material about Integral Theory, yet the books explain this in extrem detail. Thanks for the vid above, I've already could not recall anymore what Pre-Trans is, fundamentally a reductionism or an elevation of structure stages as well as a confusion about structure stages and state stages, as with the Freud example or the examples from Romanticism and the infant being one with the mothers breast.

@Uncover I've partially read a book once that recommended this test, I can't find the book and I did not read it completely. https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatouchtest.html From reading news mags they said it's not a very good predictor for a bias, yet they receive small results. https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/3/7/14637626/implicit-association-test-racism

@ardacigin What do you think about do-nothing pratices to calm down the monkey mind? I've been using various concentration techniques, yet mostly from shinzens paradigm, yet there are also different flavours of concentration when talking about entering samadhis. I've also praticed with Leos approach from his Video for a month and then dropped it. For instance. https://puredhamma.net/bhavana-meditation/samadhi-three-kinds-of-mindfulness/ I did a weekend retreat over the last weekend at home via shinzens programs I asked him because I listend to the audiobook the mind illuminated now a couple of times about my approach of praticing. As a side note I do assume for entering stage 8 access concentration or upakahra samadhi can be benefitial. What I am praticing is note everything so basically a do nothing form of vipassana in a sense, you let concentration concentrate you or you reverse engineer the process, instead of building the product of concentration you gain access to the information by doing nothing and let concentration build on it's own. I asked him and said that I've "read" the book the mind illuminated since I assume they know each other, and asked about khanika samadhi since that was apparently what I am training, I can't conflate it... with some concept in the mind illuminated book yet or a stage. Does Culadasa speak about in in the mind illuminated since I only listened to the audibook I assume I do have a lot of loop holes in my understanding here ? What are your thoughts about khanika Samadhi ? Shinzen did not give me a direct answer, what I can remember said this is the "age of do it yourself" I am not sure if he wanted to give me some life advice subtely, as he did before when I talked to him. Yet, at one point I was interrupted as someone else had a question but he was very inspired afterwards and subtely gave tips the whole time, since there are always new people on the net. Here is a good contrast of Khanika Samadhi since what you seem to be practicing is Upacara Samadhi, in case you have a good source feel free to share, I am here to learn in the first place. Also the other link below shows the buddahs way to think about it in a "sound bite" http://www.angelfire.com/indie/anna_jones1/vip-jhana.html https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/mahasi/wheel298.html You can String f search for KHANIKA SAMADHI. There is only one term for that in the latter link. I am re-listening to the talk, as I said I am curious for your opinon as well as want to share, ideally it helps for the outcome / result. Shinzen explained to me that regardless if it's khanika samadhi, from Mahasi Sayadaw or from another master, first of he uses the term similar to Mahasi, the links above are google searches with mahasi khanika samadhi, it's seeable even in the link. The point about concentration, that I want to explain is, in Shinzens term is, it does not matter if you focus on a small or big object for a short time or a small or big object for a long time ALL of the FOUR Possibillities !! Are ways to go about it. Yet, with khanika samadhi, he explained as I did above you can reverse engineer it as well as access it, by noting each moment, yet it's inevitable that you do both while sitting, because you still do nothing at one point when concentration on all object regardless if big or small breaks down. As well as single pointed concentration is better for developing Jhanas. I am not sure what Samantha is about is it not equanimity ? I could not find the term anymore while googling for this post. He further explained that focusing on a small object or a larger object could hinder noticing of impermanence, yet when you drop deep you are able to see what was simple and stable before as impermanent. It is important to pratice Jhana meditation as well as Insight meditation and he adviced me to do both, and study more since I did not know that. Khanika samadhi approaches seem to work for insight meditation. Yet, all of this goes deeper than I orignally thought, I've read shinzens script a multiple times, but the old scriptures are important too and it's fairly involved.. Any thoughts on this also how long is your pratice time in case you feel free to share, otherwise would it be fine to hit you up with a pm about your pratice ?

Enthegonic Evolution: (Marin Ball) https://www.youtube.com/user/EntheogenicEvolution/videos Otherwise I don't know any other channel. Terence Mckenna potentially.

Justice Democrates (not sure if they will post anything in the future) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5KuItQubgNaAiWoZXypuiw/videos Example video: The Guardian: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheGuardian/videos (DW Documenatries) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCW39zufHfsuGgpLviKh297Q/videos Example video: NowThisNews https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn4sPeUomNGIr26bElVdDYg Example video; (Bloomberg I hope I did not pick the most capitalist one here) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUMZ7gohGI9HcU9VNsr2FJQ Example video: WashingtonPost I am subbed to the newspaper, yet it's very liberal. Newspaper site: https://www.washingtonpost.com/ https://www.youtube.com/user/WashingtonPost/videos Example: Not sure what else could be included, I am subbed to a lot of channels Leo already posted.

@MindfulXpansion Don't forget lil dicky !! I like freestyle because artist have to perform and tap into creativity.

@MindfulXpansion I don't neccesarily think rap is the most "conscious" genre, there are some rappers who I know take psychdelics and must have had profound insights and are very Green/purple potentially speaking from insights deeper than that, yet as far as the most conscious raper goes I would say in mainstream. Kendrick, Logic, Hopsin and J Cole or on the front. Also, reading about hyerspace, terrance mckenna and for instance the shock doctrine which talks about capitalism etc. Ab-soul has some deep and dark songs, ua or the beast coast. But, so far from listening to your soundcloud I these songs strike me as somehow conscious if it is structural development or just brining across a message or explaining the state of affairs. Not some beat and repetitive gucci gucci.

The next thing is this is basically the perfect time in my life again to grow, I also had always had perfect times, but somehow I miss the mark, I had so much freaking time more than anyone else I believe in my life to do stuff, but I also always did something, so I had an excuss to slack off what I am mostly now or I am just better at avoiding hell no I am perfect, but when shit hits the pan ( weird idiom ) I'll work for fking days and nights. So, I will stop the visualization habit, it does not serve me I tried to do the challenge not habit for 90 days and I did with the lp then before I actually succeded I did it for 40,60 and then 90, or smth like that but I missed one or two attempts to hit the mark, of 90 days. Then I re-did it this year, for 50-60 days+ ?. As well as again for 30 days+ or so, yet after testing it so often and using the feel good technique from shinzen I have to say, I do not have enough concentration to visualize things perfectly, even though my imagination can go through the roof and I think in pictures a lot, it's something I have to learn, since I am used to "verbal analytics" and when meditating I am mostly malestormed into discursive though or internal talk. I untangled emotions and now feel impermanence a lot, same goes for mental talk currently I do intutit either a 3rd-eye chakra kriya or throat chakra kriya, but mamybe I am compeltely off but it's a higher chakra or just impermanence of no-self self breaking through oh yes another topic. Khankia samadhi This is how I currently praticed in shinzen youngs theme, I will continue doing it after seeing this. I am happy that he talks about it in orange terms taking the myst out of mystecism, he also makes a lot of map meathpors, but I am sort of tired of them. I could expand my knowledge of models, while praticing. I do have some yellow friends and my best friend has grown my green, I always was one step ahead of him.... mainly because he is a very open-minded traditonal guy similar to shinzen, somehow you would not notice he is openminded at first. Shinzen is clearly above yellow for me. After skimming wilber ( not completely yet) I could say okay he is at non-dual, as a structure stage not a state-stage but it is difficult I know he knows wilber and spiral dynamics. I know he most likely talked with Leo about LSD, 5-MeO, Aristoteles, science etc. I do think Leo is right on somethings, yet I also think Shinzen does not care that much about for instance Leo's opinion and is sort of like a very very good mercenary that he treats him with fairness and respect, and gives the appropraite answer. Still like 5 years of meditation of 6 , from Leo who is a industrious and ambitous while also praticing Yoga, which I also think can go deeper, + 1000 of books, is different from 50 years of experience + also 1000 of books. Still there are some who disagree, for instance Culadasa favours access concentration apparently, or upacara samadhi instead Shinzen leaves the room open for exploration, so you gain a lot of sensory clarity first, which I somehow intuited, but at the same time, they give very similar advice, but have a different empahsis on teaching, it's like shinzen has no empahsis, he explains his techniques, he gives very elaborated and detailed answers to questions and is encouraging and warm in his own way, as well as is very funny and his dharma talks are so interesting, I could listen for days. Then culadasa is also very interesting to listen to, not as funny and lively as shinzen, yet has a clear path and seems to be more effective then shinzen, I am not sure who has the upperhand for me, I am biased towards shinzen because I train with him. Culadasa seems somehow to be more effective in his teaching style, I am not sure what kind of vipassana shinzen has derived his techniques from tbh is it ubkin ? Anyway about Khankia samadhi. The description on wikipedia says it's momentary concentration or here: https://puredhamma.net/bhavana-meditation/samadhi-three-kinds-of-mindfulness/ It sounds like a selective form of multi tasking and being able to optimize cognitive load or ressources, that is also what I notice especially when I talk to the greats, so I often just sit in open presence in mediation and apply the technique of do-nothing, since no technique really works better than this. Then I reflect and usually I dive deep, some are a bit uncomfortable with that attention mostly extroverts I've meet, they are confused why I look that weird, but that just shows their interpersonal level of development is crude, I've looked this up. Since, it bothered me. A socially competent extrovert does not do that. Now back to live: I will stop the reading challenge and will focus on building the reading habits, first and I will call the stretching habit a challenge I don't want to work on multiple habits again this has not proven to be working well, multiple challenges are fine, yet I will not 100% succeed in all of them. So, I will do a stretching challenge, clear my whiteboard, clear my habit tracker and start with the 20 minute a day reading habit it fits perfectly in my schedule. So, I will renounce my stupid busy life, most importantly for now it getting back to bed on time, and waking up in the morning, my nr.1 cue of how my go to bed habit worked personally, was put my phone away so I have to stand up in the morning and put on a YouTube video that is educational for instance Paul Check or some coach, I will do that again. From tomorrow morning on I will wake up take my phone, turn of the alarm open YouTube turn on some video from Paul Check that I want to learn about and listen to it while doing my morning routine. That is that. As well as my go to bed routine, my go to bed routine was ( how two weeks fuck up your routines) turn of you comptuer, don't turn it on to low energy mode and visualize, since I am not visualizing. It will be turn of your pc and just go to bed, yes it will be that simple. Is this to much ? Besides the amount of time spent to write these two points no, it is simple, reduce your life to the minimum to work optimally with principles that you have learned about and take actions to apply them fail and learn. As with programming fail and learn, fail and learn, accept frustration, call it a day start a new from tomorrow and yes this is the next thing I want to tackle besides meditation, fitness and habit/routines. Is spefically researching what I want to specifcally do with the programming languages I was introduced so mainly freaking Java and Android Studio. Devise a plan and follow through on it. I already have another retreat scheduled, I will go out with the girl tomorrow again and visit the bunkers, she has a boyfriend, so for those actually reading and following if anyhow someone is intersted, than she is kinda sexy, but I am not crossing boundaries or planned anything, since I want to gather theory first I already gathered a bunch for dating purposes, yet my relationships points to work on are, time management, orderliness (potentially - a not extr bla bla) and assertivness. Mostly assertivness and just more exposure to women my age would do me well. So, this is perfect for me and I can pratice vulnerabillity since most women are not that threatend by feminity. So, I can joke around be flowy, and yes some girls get toxic but she mostly has fun, so all in all again ESTP's are fking cool and my polar oppposite teaches me again. A classic... as so often.

What do I want to write about I went grocery shopping and listend to the audiobooks principles by same philanthropist, (or phil an thro pist) so........................ I wanted to reflect on the chapters I listend to to get the most out of my day. I also worked out but I wasted my morning again as well as, shortly after work. I don't make much progress currently more on that soon. The audibook mainly talked about I started with chapter 10 I listend to it a couple of times while I felt asleep, so my subconscious processes some of this, and I naturally when journaling write about some stuff potentially. Anyway first point of this because it revolves around the subconscious is the basal ganglia is responsible for habit forming, it apparently with a quick skim over wikipedia is responsbile for affectivity, willpower, step by step planning, anticipative thinking and a bunch of other stuff. So, that is cool to know I do think my anticipative thinking especially in the verbal releam even if I can't properly show it in english, but still I do correct english speakers, I just don't write about topics that include higher vocabulary. Still, the way I speak and write english is very secular, objective and potentially even scientific, I don't get in these releams anymore of creative right brain potential, which brings me to my next point. The author talked about right and left brain that left brain people are called bright and right brain people are called smart, and that left brain thinkers are linear thinkers ( I know this is old, but interesting nevertheless !) and right brain thinkers are imaginative and creative and that it is important to know about, how each one thinks and learns, or interacts with the opposition. I will listend to this part again because I have loop holes in my understanding here. The next part was about radical openmindeness, the author explained that radical openmindedness is detectable for instance by people asking open questions and staying curious without making a statement! Statements or sentences such as : " I might be wrong. but this fridge smells." or " I might be wrong, but line 37 is wrong" are apparently signs of an closedminded thinker, because it is a statement, of course tonality etc matters. But, the point is statements and denial are two parts of closedmindness, for e.g I see myself as openminded, yet I have to constantly be vigliant if I am or not. Also, using but in a sentence if you read the book "How to wind friends and influence people" is the number one denial to watch out for, when talking. For instance a friend of mine always said but or in German aber constantly, for e.g I think you are right but, this is how you could do it better, then he had a weird smile of satisfaction and I was like, yep up in your butt. Not literally, yet I felt that he was doing it self-servingly. (I invented that word for now ) Next is he talked about habits the classic cue, routine ,reward cycle I listend to the audibook of this famous habit book since 2016.... the point is I never took action properly in that direction. Studying was so important, etc. but for now. I now know that to form a life long habit it takes 18 months, of consistency, some scientist say 66 days or 60 some 30 or 22 whatever the exact number was. But, (notice I use this specfically to deny my own point), I don't know if it also accounts for breaking a habit, so 18 months of soldliy abstaining from a habit will end it forever. It is difficult to say, I stopped for instance drinking for 2-3 years I just said no. And I went out very often sometimes 2 times on a weekend, drinking culture is different in Germany, so young people often at least here get drunk on the weekend with 16 or even earlier, it's quiet normal. Some are different, yet these are the people who mostly lived in the upperclass. Next the book talked about mbti, I am not going to write about this it would take me to long and other tests. Before that he talked about how important it is to know ones weakness, so I thought yeah obviously I knew mine, yet I could not come to a conclusion as fast as I'd wanted to. Also, yes to know ones strength, well now that I think about it and I have from the LP a list of my strenghts and I took the test before the LP .... and I consitently score the same strenghts I know them, I also partially know my weaknesses. So, reflecting also the author mentiond using the cue of pain to reflect about something is a very good habit, which I have done since I started journaling I feel I grew a lot internally, yet (notice.. I always use yet instead of but or and instead of but to not deny, but to add and to weave in a new point). My life definitely improved and he also mentioned to reflect about what caused the progress and success, all of this is quiet intutive when one journals, but most don't so. It's reassuring that what I am doing has positive benefits. Weaknesses: Bravery ( I am working on that with my strength), zest, patience, naivity, overburdening myself, to critical, self-hatred, assertivness, priorities. The most severe of them are assertivness and priorities, since these are things I recently just discovered, I thought I had priorities but apparently I don't received two comments from people saying the exact same thing one of them was leo and another one was another member I respect, but I assume is partially misunderstood. So, yes priorities, and I don't think we mean the same member, it's been sometimes since the guys been on here. So, hm... I am unsure how to work around this, my mom is actually pretty good with prioritizing here life, but she lives in small pictures, I live in big pictures aka castle building and have unclear priorities. Strengths are: curiosity, fairness, love of learning, teamwork, humour and playfulness. Altough the last strength people have to be able to take it because I my humour is way to radical for most, I am also on the postive sarcastic not the Schadenfreude side, but just sarcastic truths, are funny as fuck, I am not good at serving them I am good at deflecting them, I also like to immitate other people from others countries and streotypes because I've meet to many. I basicaly grew up with Italiens, Kazakhs, Americans, Ukranies, Russians, Laos, Vietnam, Crotia, Eritrea, Germans as well, as polish people, taischikistan, portuges, turkish people, and that is about it before I'll remember more. Yet, mostly Italiens, Turkish , Americans, Russian/Ukrain/Kazakhs, Crotian, Vietnam and Germans, so ... I love to copy Russian and Italien mafia acents and stuff like this as well as turkish, I don't make everyone laugh anyway I can be playful, as well as my curiosity makes me openminded and bold that is what I meant with counteracting my lack of boldness because I am introverted, yet as well extroverted when curiosity or love of learning kicks in. I don't feel I nurture love of learning currently enough. Enough I got side tracked to much now. What did I want to be conscious about ? I noticed that in my 7 day speed reading challenge and doing the last hardcore week I don't neccesarily need it I know the principles I just need to open a book and apply it after doing it for 4 days my reading has been above the recommended mark often far beyond as well as when doing the other drill. I noticed I am way slower here, but I do make progress faster as before. It was also the second time I started this book, because it's hella tedious to get through this shit. Literally, it's an onerous dead. So, I thought rather I implement a daily reading plan for now for 20 minutes for starters, and move up. 1h did not work, so I will stop this and 20 minutes over 7 days with speed reading will show me what is possible. Another post will follow.

The retreat is over I am lying in my bed now and I am typing with my Phone. Shinzen talked about kanaka samadhi which is what I trained for intuitvely, I still am quiet sensetive and unfortunately to sucessful with my progress in Meditation. As well as my pursuit in knowledge He gave me a couple of things to ponder about. I currently intuit that I am pursuing all-specic love, some form of piti or simply just kanaka samadhi. Also that we live in the age of Do IT yourself. Yet, people don't give as much Support. Oder people seem to have a stronger bond of communion. Yet, that is that. I am a bit tired of training, I feel I am still mentally to weak to handle long periods of Meditation subsequently. I did one duration sit for approx 4h with some movement. During the other Segments I moved a lot, I have a painful experience to pain, because of my scar and I recently lived with a lie up 15 years or so in my life. My mom Gold me IT so casually, Yet I already know her non-empathic side. Otherwise I am still as confused as before I asked a question During QA but tbh I can't go deep in this journal this is all so subtile how am I supposed to explain that? It's possible but reading books would give me Mode benefits than anything Else. I want to move. I want to be able to sit longer and stretch my body, I am still frustrated with my results. Overall happiness is fleeting and biologically I'd be better of meditating for 30 years and reach unconditional happiness literally. There is room for conditional improvement. Yet, I don't know anymore. Nothing seems to bear fruits.

Report retreat: I was not able to meditate properly yesterday, in the last segment, I meditated in total 7h, yet the last 4h segment of the 11 hours I meditated for maybe 1h and 30 min or so. I was so tired and I keep getting tired I don't know exactly why, if it it caused by meditation and I just notice the sleepniess that is present anyway, or if it is something else for e.g hormones. I did take an haemogram so I know that I don't have any issues with my thyroid, yet I am iron deficient since I mainly eat plant based foods, so I take supplements. I take vitamin b12 and iron supplements + vitamin c and d. I am still very tired I mean I could sleep again, I don't know if this is just exhaustion because of meditation ? Or because of other reasons that I am not socializing enough or anything like that, but this hill is you live like a recluse. I definitely going to get my workout in and hopefully there are some people there I can't stand only hearing people through my headphone it is not as compelling as sitting together with a bunch of people and meditating. The whole energy of the room is different I also feel I can deal better afterwards with the collective unconsciouness if that makes sense. Now today will be another 8h session from 14:00 till 23:00 with 1h break in between so 9h. I will not meditate before like yesterday, so I have time to clean up my room which I partially did and to go to the gym, as well as washing and folding my clothes. Still overall I am not very happy with my meditation progress I am not sure if it is my motivation if it is the techniques or that I am doing meditation instead of yoga and all of this stuff. My challenges definitely did not work, I will plan my week, I hate to work, yet there is nothing really better to do, I don't like this nihlistic outlook and I don't neccesarily like the task of reverse engineering since it's way way to technical. I love humans I love theory I never liked pratice, yet this is all what they focus on. Theory can also be very pratical, yet I took pratical theory in a sense, this region does not fit me, I can't write it often enough. Conservatives scare me and induce more fear than anything else. On Friday I went out with the girl with who I am working with we just visited the rural area of france nearby, since it is 20 minutes or so away from here. So, that was fun, yet I miss extroverted people in college there are so many introverted fuck faces, I can't see these ugly moles with their fucking glasses every ISTJ and ESTJ. Just burn them to the ground, I love them, but there are to much of them. Anyway, we visted an art gallery as well as shortly a bunker area where the U.S fought against Nazi-Germany. As well as some old church where they stacked human bones inside of a shack which was open, there where metal bars on the side, so people could see the bones. I touched the skull of one of the dead humans in there, and in general touched every skull of the sculptures at the art gallery. There was one artist who made a calendar of 365 days with famous personalities. From Carl Jung, to Picasso, to Bach, to even Sri Aurobindo and Jiddu Krishnamurti, it was fun discovering the faces of the famous people. Yet, this is what I miss and hate about this rural area, people just study and go home and fuck their family the whole time and go out with the old buds for some booze. No new people, no adventure, no excitment. Even as a quite heavy introverted person, I do enjoy going out a lot, I can be outside and alone too, that is not the point, the point is expoloration and adventure. Btw, the girl is from pakistan and actually has already been to Meekah and the giant stone is called Kaba IIRC and if I wrote it correctly, so this was fun to talk about. This is what I love about extroverted people openmindeness and non-judgmental. Still, she complained about the same things here as I do, the people are really just peasants, there is not better description. Corrupt neopotism, would describe them very well. There is no real authentic farmer, someone who works hard and earns his shit, as well as is knowledgeable of how the field, the plants growing on there, the cattle etc works. They are hedonistic car fanatic peasants, I don't get along with these materialist very well. Today as far as meditation goes it will be the pain processing algortihm as well as the feel good pratice, so training pain, compassion as well as concentration. Unfortunately, I missed the part of the retreat I wanted to learn the most about, I have the recordings and it was an advanced programm, so no real introduction, I've read over the script again and learned what shinzen explained. Impermanence has expansion and contraction. So, this is that.

Ok, I have never done this during a retreat, so I took notes mostly afterwards not during brekas. We are having a 1h break for now after 4h of meditation with Q&A through which I meditated, as well as I could. What I learned more about GUS. The global unfixated state, so the mind space I hope he called it that. Is internal talk and internal sight. Which excludes flow and feel out. So, it is the skull and the openness residing there in internal talk and sight space. Also, GUS entails, the flow of impermanence, popcorn thought which actually are the thoughts of enlightenment or liberation rather, I have it now self-liberating thought, quiet quick quickly. Is part of GUS, which is part of do-nothing or just sitting shikentaza. So, this is how I connected the dots, yet experiential I did not went deep he talked a lot about auto think and auto focus. Auto focus is what happens during zazen for e.g the mind slips into an automatic concentration mode where effort is not applied, the intention to control attention evaporates and the flavour of concentration is shinning forth. This is what partially happend but only inside my skull, not including the whole body. In general shortly after the 4h I lied down for 5minutes to save the flavour and I noticed that my brain was pumping and that I have this cut and dry feeling of streamlinedness again, I don't know how to describe it else, but it is... open presence may be a good choice also. An open presence of the cut and dry what isness of the sensess. My brain was pulsaiting this time a different cortex... (Rinde von lat. zu de.), so I focused my intention of the impermanence of that and I noticed I could control it, yet when I released control since this is what stage 8 as well as stage 7 is about as well as effort and concentration, my brain received a lot of oxygen / blood ? What ever not even sure if there is blood near my brain. No idea. So, that is that. Otherwise what did I learn ? Concentration can be reverse engineered instead of building concentration I let concentration build concentration. Let's see what happens the next 4h segment, will be expansion and contraction, riding the ox backwards, so I am curious for that. Otherwise from the Q&A, I want to do auto chant when I live alone not sure what if not I am just screaming out loud numbers again, this is so fun. But, I am still held in check, so I am not transgressing the boundary of what I feel I could do in this enviroment, at home I screamed so loud in the house, IDGAF, time stopped existing and it felt like time was reversed no fking idea. I also did not write my shamanic wannabe approach to deal with the kriya experience this is quiet embarassing. Alright I am done for now.

Alright me second entry today. Well, I found out I can charge my students card on saturday. I am going to name some more positive experiences, and try to do that as well as possible. I never observerd how long an intention holds and if it prodcues results, I do think it's way to subtle to quantify, also I've read a bit of wilber. I am not doing any challenge today as well as going to the gym here is why. I was so depressed after the 2h session that I decided I am going to sleep because I only slept for 4h max, and then meditated from 4 to 6am then slept till 09:00am, I took a shower, ate, wrote the post, meditated, watched youtube videos, some minior procrastination still costing me up to 45mins to 30 mins. So, I started cleaning around 11:40 till 12:15 then etc. etc. I made a plan for the day, but I decided to pick up my package which costed me an hour, so my gym time went fleeting, I listend to the audiobook the mind illuminated again and listend to the overview of the ten stages as well as stage 7, I am moving to stage 8 definitely, many experiences he describes are the ones that I have for sometime now thinking back to even one entire year. But, I did not know that they are signs of pithi, Ralston or others (?) call this rupture, I interpreted as world process because I liked the definition of the psychic stage the first third tier stage or coral imo. Of experiencing pure love, the godhead, I am not sure if this is no-self, also the pleasure jhanas are apparently signs of stage 10+ ? So, I am a bit confused again. Also, what I learned from Wilber and walking around doing background pratice, but I was more amazed by the architecture of the houses nearby, is that each stage also as different dreams. I will write a post about this on different occasions, but for e.g an integral person has dreams of flying to different places, becoming one with divine feminine, masculine, having oneness and mystical experiences in deep sleep, chaning by will the object in a dream. He also explained the bardo releam and that jealousy causes the bardo enterer to be reborn when he sees father and mother making love and lands inside the mothers womb. That blew my mind, I've heard wilber talk about it but never read it, also listening to chapters of audiobooks that are benefitical to you is better than reading the entire book. I currently listen to this on 1.5x speed, since I am walking and with all the noises etc, I can become distracted. I am quite senstive to sound, to some degree. I've read up again on cognitive functions, now I know that NI sees inconsistencies in SE, so the outer world, or outer phenomena like, changes of light, sunshine, shadow, some light for instance on a festival or things like this, or the weird structure of an entiry sceneary, and I can cohesively melt this to a point where I can say this overlaps with another entire structure. I won't name an example for now, it's been sometime since I've travelled but what I mean are landscapes, vastness and space the inconsistencies in that including sound etc. I am quite sensitive to this. Anyway, I will listen to the audiobook and chill till the retreat begins. I will workout tomorrow, I worked out three times this week, missing one day when it is a stable pratice I guess it's fine. Stage 7 is definitely a bitch.

So, a short report about the 2h session today. With the weekend retreat programm, I started at 4am for me in Germany. The theme was focus on rest and I noticed that sitting in a seated position I am still not flexible enough, I exhaust all my willpower sitting on a cushion I can sit for 45min, I can sit for 1h sometimes, I will move etc. But, I can't sit very long I am not flexible enough to sit like this which is very annoying and takes all of my motivation out etc. Because it makes me feel like a failure or a looser after sometime and I even improved me posture through stretching still, it does not feel it improved in some way. I tried different things, yet meditating on a chair is the most comfortable way for me even if it let's me feel despondent for a while. It sitting in a seated position allows me to feel depressed I notice I am very attached to results, immediate results w/e. I don't really care about my future, past etc. And still tend to have a nihilistic outlook, because I did just not have many positive experiences in my life, I mean scientifcally "speaking"................................... I'd have to have a ratio of 3:1 of positive to negative experiences in order to become a postivie human being. I've read this in a book a while ago. Anyway, I still had some weird flashes, my visual field completely evaporated for 0.5 seconds and it was almost like a new dimension / world was opend. Yet, I can't hold my concentration my concentration skill is fleeting, it is difficult to hold on to it and when I do it I assume I hear my brain change, which is odd. I just hear clicks, the whole time, and the thing I can build the most concentration on is impermanence. Since, my sensory clarity is very high, I notice a lot of tiny and subtle stirring and can focus on them with concentration. I still struggle to distinguish between rest flavours integrated in impermanence, since impermanence can have many different charactersitics. I want to sit throgh the bio breaks today to enjoy the 8h of meditation on a chair, I can't yet sit long on a cushion the mind-body pain or literalyl brain, body pain is to much, it goes to deep uneccesarily because of all of the pain that is evoked, my stretching habit did not work out. I am overall quiet frustrated with these aspects in my life, as well as my meditative progress. Same counts for the gym, I just keep working and nothing seems to happen, I don't know if I hit a plateau and continuing is the intelligent choice, as well as a smart choice is to re-strategize and take new actions steps towards what can work to reach the next plateau. My dreams are getting very vivid in fact the experience I had almost felt I was transported into a dream world, yet I was not sure what was lurking there the colors where bright, but it had charateristics of "there is something", not only color. All in all I will ideally get 11h of meditation today, I already did 3h, to be exact 2h and 55 min I moved a lot during the 2h since I did not want to move on a chair, it makes me feel like a failure a lot and I don't enjoy a lot of successes in my life, so I can't rely on "postive willpower" or positive pride, or the momentum of my before accomplished work. Since, I've apparently "been playing around". The two themes today are expansion and contraction as well as spoantaneitiy. The programm will run from 5pm to 2am. Or 17:00 - 02:00. So, 9h with 1h break in between and 1h bio breaks between 1h30 of meditation inwhich I want to meditate, so I will go from 4h 1h break to 4h. I can't possibly to SDS, perfectly without moving. I have to adjust a little since the chair get's uncomfortable around 1h30- 2h for me. Still, I am quiet disapponited that I can't sit on a cushion longer then a 1h. Because mainly of flexbility or not having build enough concentration to penetrate pain and the lamenting.

Going for my retreat in approx 4h.

Infj-T Ennegram 4w5. I prefer trutiy over the other mbti site for testing, also reading the descriptions of all types helps a lot. Cognitive functions are also good to know I prefer to type them over full types. There is eben neuroscience with mbti no idea how valid IT is. Nevertheless quiet interesting.

I will write a short post I am at the internship. Things are going well, so far I don't know exactly why people share so much with me. Anyway I am at the internship, and I do have to strategize the stretching habit a bit more, speed reading works okay for now. I don't know why exactly yet, I struggle there are some other minor things that have a huge impact like the f.lux app. I slept today for 5h30 and felt wonderful in the morning I still continued to sleep till 8:40 just because I could, even with a life purpose and visualization before bed. I don't know I wanted to retake the course but motivation is something that comes and goes it's not necessarily sustainable. Yet, I need ... washing detergent. I am looking for small things that have an impact that is the principle of kaizen. 1% leverage each day. So, I did not meditate in the morning I am used to being ultra flexible, since I lived in China and London, and had to adjust to all kinds of things, so I'll just meditate in my break. There is no one to controll me and therefore I can do 15minutes longer and just meditate and eat for 15min, and meditate for 1h. I know I don't do this stuff when working and earning some money, yet there will be different problems. I will start to working now. Also I have to foster a stronger identity according to the gretchen rubin books for habits. But I lack ideas currently, besides spending money on clothes.

@Zigzag Idiot You're welcome !

Okay, so again I am here. I wasted today again two hours, my gym time is way way to long I've spend 1h30 just messing around with the pole since the gym is so small. I don't neccesarily think the equipment is the problem but it definitely makes it more difficult I watched the first video a user recommended here for me.. and I will watch the whole series over time. What I want to write about: internship professor future meditation retreat Retreat over the weekend I will do a home retreat this time with shinzen youngs programm I still am bound to accountability this makes things easier for me since I am not very industrious this is also a reason why I want to do my masters, since self-drivness is something I learn through the accountability itself. For e.g using habit tracker and an app for the gym. Main themes in the retreat will be rest and expansion and contraction, there is one accelerator session, so I am looking forward to what that will entail. Hm... I will do my speed reading challenge I wasted 30 mins talking to my prof after work, as well as 1h30 in the gym, I also need to go grocery shooping since I can't wash my clothes, I really want to get rid of my clothes and buy some new ones, it's annoying to have so many clothes. Stop now before I write to much. Speed reading, stretching and food. Oh yes and after work I spent 30 mins browsing, this was not good.

@mandyjw Not sure if my comment is appreciated or if this is interesting. The white light is called Nimitta as far as I searched I found this to be the technical definition of the experience of white light, even if it is interpreted differently. http://rc.leighb.com/more/Nimitta.htm I've had similar experiences so that is why I want to share this, hope this is helpful in understanding all of this. (I did not read the whole page)

From reading one post here. Please don't make health a status symbol. Health is a natural part of life. This is my philosophy I dislike status signaling, as well as virtue signaling it feels like puke. It occures naturally.

A new day. It's quite cold outside even though it's summer the weather has been this bad for the lost couple of days, but tbh I enjoy it more than the eat. I like late summer the most also fall, I don't I always liked the concet of vantias. It is similar to impermanence the only constant is change. So, I am moving forward as usual, as I have been doing as well as I could according to my state of conscieousness and circumstances. I will receive mail tomorrow (e-mail) about the details of the retreat I bought. I looked up when I started taking retreats I started almost two years ago (?) in 2017 and did two weekend retreats there I recall this was the time where I experimented with LSD, so I actually.. even if this is like absolut haram. At the end of the retreat (it was online) with a tab of LSD in my mouth and meditated, I do remember that I had a lof of impermanence going on, but nothing specifically happend my state of consciouness was altered and I dove deep, at the sametime I was still inexperienced with LSD and I was prone to give into the lysergamid feels. Instead of going deep with the substance. I've got another thing to start rolling for me, but I don't want to abuse it. I want to use it consciously and fair. I am not allowed to share it by, I'll most likely do it anyway at one point, it's very unlikely that someone will abuse it here or will actually use it out of this random journal so, that is that. Otherwise, my stretching which I already did in march or so, for a couple of months (?) I've gained some progress but I dislike pain a lot, I am so adjusted to comfort, even when I took cold showers, and exercise I am still quite adjusted to comfort. It's quite a journey for me personally to breakthrough of that, as well as, my threshold for enduring pain is quite low. It could be my brain and how it changes from what i read the enviroment basically did for me, this is undeniable to a degree in my subjective experience, research is catching up with this stuff, since it was only tested with mamals. Anyway, enough of that understanding the genetic level is a difference from a "historical one", I've seen "educated" nazi's talk similar shit. So... experts do matter. I can't make myself tea properly. I'll actually test it now, it's so cold.

@Consilience Is eating less worth it my physique naturally is quite athlethic, I am focusing on building muscles and becoming lean, I will see what the last 4 weeks of the coach entail. I can see my abs etc. when I look in the mirror but not when I look down lol, so I am a bit frustrated with my results. 7 months surely is enough time, any workout regiment that you would recommend ? The coach will be over in 4 weeks and I am not sure if I will start another round of a new coach etc. I do pratice meditation, I am not flexible enough for hatha-yoga yet. So, I can't pratice that. I've transcended it partially with LSD