ValiantSalvatore

Okay, this is a whole new dimension I am not talking about meditation or anything I did not even meditate at all yesterday because whats the point ? I want to digest this first and I dont know what I want to do anymore. This is just nuts, from the few pieces I dug deep into the internet and from live experiences trusting also stupid "higher conscioucs" synchronicities. Its absolutely insane, how repetitive is this simulation ? And I never even broken out of it. It is like Ive been selected to be released from a chamber of homunculous creation and I am allowed to live. Like what twisted fks do exist and people are unaware of that ? That leaves most porn fetishes far behind everything..... Even Leonardo Di Caprio ! What am I talking about ? I dont even like movies. The few ones that I watched connect back to all of this. One of the spiritual teachers I like the most withdrew from the ultimate cult of cults. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theosophy_(Blavatskian) How many symbols can you find in one symbol ? The teacher who withdrew https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jiddu_Krishnamurti I do understand now why at zen they said burn the books. This is pure evil, devilry, hitlery clit ton, and what not I swear to fking god. People should not have a license to exist sometimes, this is absolutely, insane. I am not sure if I want to read upon all of this, it definitely destroys my views of wanting life a good life. Politics is as unconscious as it well ever be and the majority is as conscious as it ever was. The allegory of the cave, is just beautiful, or maybe Immanuel Kant wurde einfach nur verkannt ? Or Germans are the cultest pieces of crap on the planet and should feel justified to hang them selfs, while be thrown with pig intestines from hitlers lost tesetical ! If this is to much ? People do that. They have done this for ever, I am being a demagogue, yet for what ? I forgot that I loved to read utopian books, since it showed the limits of idealism. I am not sure what to do with all of this information. Besides working on my posture and sit. I just do nothing for the rest of my life, and witness all of it. Choiceless awarness may be ? The best form of concentration while Leonardo Di Caprio happens.

The weekend retreat is over leaving me either with 8 days taken this year of retreats or 10 days. I am leaving out the half day stuff. For instance arrive at Thursday or start at Friday night. So, leaving me either with a 8h pratice day a 6 h pratice day or a 10h pratice day. Yet, generally never less then 6h a day. The "monk" yesterday made me so angry I cant tell why, the facilitator in the last 4h talked about Vedena. Tomato. https://www.dhammatime.org/meaning-vedana-buddhism/ https://www.dhammatime.org/de/bedeutung-vedana-buddhismus/ I certainly did not like him, the practice was fine because it focused on concentration and I was able to be concentrated even though I felt quite agitated, during the sit. I was 10-20min concentrated then again 1-5 minutes of distractions, he also talked so much and I did not understand much, since he did not conflate enough. It was technical, yet somehow without any compassion ? Just him being him. Playing his role literally. Then I got mad since he said his girlfriend goes to church and I thought oh n1 another weird fker. How about a birthday cake ? I really dont know besides the mind fk I had from not even finishing this.. was the reason. So, what did I learn ? Vedana was a variation of feel flow in the "interozeption" of the body. So, I understand what is he talking about. The holy butt. I was so angry and agitated I was not interested to listen and my thoughts generally revolved around me disliking him. He had the most extensive background, and lived in a monastary for four years, he trained since 30 years etc. I still did not like anything about him. I kept thinking what does that say about me or my character ? When hatred is love, or can be love, the vedana of feeling hatred is one passing of the source of love ? Well, so I can experience the love out of hate when it stems out of source ? So, I can experience violence as love ? I can experience survival and strength as love ? Okay, sure yet what did I learn about practice ? I learned that I can concentrated in chunks of 10 - 20 minutes on one thing and that I am generally aware of drifting away, so I step into this 2 minute - 5 minute concentration mode, then I am subtely distracted, and then I come back. Within about 40 seconds ? Its rare that I drift away for 5 minutes or so, so I was surpised that I can hold a more access concentration oriented practice for 10minutes + instead of being aware of openess etc, space, room and impermanence or repetiveness or thought. I felt Buddhism sounds so limiting, Id rather convert to loving Christ at the moment, since it felt so dry. Some shadow elements. That my practice is a bit sloppy, I want to sit in a lotus, my motivations are still not there, the intention may be fine, yet ... I do think I am moving in the right direction. I dislike this naivity, about not knowing what is good or bad etc.

I feel very frustrated again with the degree of complacency I approach my spiritual practice and the degree with which I pursue anything, I tend to give in to fun, pleasure and comfort still a lot even if all of this has changed. I get very aggresive with feeling uncomfortable, with meditation etc. its fine, yet when the feeling of impermanence becomes to intense then I feel this moving forward drive again, that generally was not being developed when I was young. It is latent, and very dynamic. I feel this point of self-inquiry and I sort of miss the more technical people in the home practice programm who take time and effort, to look things up and to not pick everything up on the go, and learn by trial and error and not by preperation. I am not doing the latter either, yet I am planning in advance, so circle. Anyway, this field of what I currently perceive while meditating is expanding very gradually, I want to be kind to myself and allow myself to even feel pitty, ..... So, ah.... even dumb German words stem from Sanskrit. like love and breath. I definitely like female facilitators, yet I cant give love when I dont feel a lot of masculinity I can be very dynamic, so feeling one polar opposite I do feel able to switch between it, since one does not exclude the other. I meditated now for 4h. pratically 3h and 25 min in stillness and 35 min moveing. I felt very sad at the end since the facilitator was very passionate about talking about pratice, literally. So, I noticed also that some personalities and strenghts are just taken for granted and its difficult to manage that, somehow I felt at the end that I have difficulties feeling thank ful, when I indulge in something pleasureable, I cant tell why. It feels again this coagulation inside my solar plexus is so coagulated, that the windows are being shuttered..... I dont know I still feel this arrogance, I still feel complacency, I still feel pity for myself, I still feel non-acceptance. I am not taking this seriously enough, I rely to much on being pampered in a sense. I did not learn anything new about any technique, 4h is not really a long span of time, I noticed that I want to train my body and I am taking my workouts seriously, so that I appreicate what I have and start to be thankful for that and stretch my body, so I can sit in a lotus comfortably. Some ideas I had for this retreat are just stupid, I am not sure if I am trapped again in limiting beliefs, and I definitely missed ? I did not inspire myself beforehand, I took most things for granted, I take my life for granted I take death for granted I take freedom for granted, I take unconsciouness for granted, I take pleasure for granted, and I still feel generally better, than ever. My ego is definitely afraid to die, or to suddenly be thrown into Makyo or some crazy shit where I loose all marbels, sure loose your mind and come to your senses, is sometimes I feel perfect for me. Yet, I certainly cant force images that are vivid without fear, the abstraction of smth fine, but experiencing it. Is scary, I definitely dont feel I can take care of myself like I want to when I am back home, its not inspiring and I built a lot of resentment, that is already present. I feel this coagulation of my nervous system. The only small insight I had was that violence even if it is through sheer sound or we, is love. I was sort of comforted again by madness... 2 day retreat is definitely strategic, and affordable, it is also insightful and can be motivating, yet I still lack the basics, like sitting in a posture for hours, I get so comfortable on a chair, that I start to move, and sitting in a lotus took my first some time to sit in a burmees position since this fking pain around my scare drives me to kill people, till I loose consciouness or what ever. It did not feel normal and this idea that something is wrong even when everything is fine, is bothersome. So, I had to learn or deal with this, and it certainly taught me acceptance and compassion. Now, I am just like a robot, and I execute, this execution is still not prolific. I cant tell why I dont feel as though I want to take it seriously, but I revert back to just being ordinary me ? The me.... so, what about it ? I can tell that it arises at two distinct points very strongly around my cerbellum and in my solar plexus, otherwise my body feels like an apparation of myself .......... So, again ego. This is annoying trying to gain insights or understanding through talking .. to myself, is okay. Yet, I still dont know what I want, I can contemplate this till I die I figure... Skillful means definitely is something that I yearn for regardless if it is taking a fking shit. These three and another 4h part is coming up in 20 minutes, home practice programms are surely, benefitial, yet being strategic is potentially smart, yet its not as intense as it could bee if I would take it more seriously, so many factors flow into the creation of a tranquil and prosaic practice. A parable of what ? ????????????? I dont know, I certianly got mind fked the last couple of hours I dont know how to integrate that and I often feel why learn anything anymore, I dont feel anybody opens pandoras box, so I can at least have some theory that is not based on reason and praticality, I am So Tired of This, Since The Beginning Of Time. There is not a lot of drive in me at the moment, I certainly noticed that after working out so much how much of an animal in a sense I am, that I need this sort of gratification of having done somthing good or being a role model or some sense of something that is benefical, some role. So, I miss the newness of experience, I miss depth, I miss breadth. I am neither stuck, nor free. I am just sitting infront of .... a screen looking at it seeing some illusion of what I call. Am I fooling myself or am I still unaware of how much energy, work and egolesness is wanted to transcend from small mind to big mind. Even just a glimpse, I definitely did not pratice intensively for the last two years, a zen retreat is in Europe very soft, I dont know. I really would like to be able to sit for a whole day, just to see what it is like in 4h intervalls or so, still my choice of pratice helps me with the chaos of live, but I am missing the durability and endurance, like in sports.... High intensity fine, yet endurance and a drive to win, certainly is not there. I thrive a lot in thriving, I thrive more in egolesness or transcendence. Yet, survival and corruption definitely wants me to transcend and thrive, it makes me so freaking angry. Yet, where is the egolesness or the godness in there ? My approaches rather seem pathetic then couragous some excuse to not take this 100% seriously and pratice like a pro. Its not really any different, I seem to just not care. As so often.... and then I care the most again.... as so often. Paradox 101 I guess...

So, another part of the retreat is done 4h of meditation I did 15 minutes of closed eyes walking meditation because the teacher recommended that. This time I am training with facilitaitors instead of Shinzen Young. I liked them all till now, it definitely does not feel that intenstive the second teacher I liked the most so far, because she explained the concepts very well and fast so, I don`t become bored to easily. This sounds a bit conceited potentially, so I want to just report what I thought and felt during the last 8h or so. I felt as if I was torn again inside my solar plexus, yet not as intensely I cried almost once because of some synchronistic idea I had in mind and wanting to have the synchronistic web feeling I had during my kriya experience since this happend at the first day of the retreat and I sat the whole retreat with the after effects of that and I had another one. So, I was checking sometimes if it would happen again, or at a different spot this time, for instance the cerebellum where I feel this mostly or somewhere around the reptilian brain. Its nice to use this laptop so far, the screen is quite large and I can see almost so much that I cant see much. The whole screen is somehow spatially distorted, to the degree where, I can`t tell if the original build looked like this. So, the see in intenstive was okay, I learned using see in with closed eyes while moving and I discovered that I can see what is behind my inner mental screen with eyes open and that the mental screen is a representation of the physical world, yet very seldom for me, so it was not that helpful. I mostly get lost in some form of abstraction of whatever, for instance a conversation, the idea of a symbol, fantasy, some invention, space, a feeling etc. Then I distangle it and find myself concentrating on the impermanence or constant change of inner feelings, imagination and sound. The first part of the retreat was about ULTRA, the unified libary of training attention and an intro to that. So, I know most of it. I am familiar now with the system, and learned about its quadrants. I do feel a bit of emptiness around my solar plexus the feeling I usualy have when I feel futile and meaningless and everything sort of convolutes and unfurls into this all encompasing impermanence driven by unconsciouness, its a total loss of control at some point. Another thing I felt is the place of self arising at the back of my skull where the reptilian brain or the solar plexus resides. So, Shinzen sometimes points to this point as a vector, and often uses this as a analogy or metaphor when describing a self-inquiry practice. Otherwise, I dont feel I can report a lot I feel a lot of open presence my concentration is again my weakest point and is also one of the most important ones my sensory clarity is very high, so I could focus on developing concentration more, yet sitting again for 1h even with a pure concentration pratice is not easy. I tend to flow a lot, so I draw back upon using flow often. Anything else ? I could ask a couple of questions regarding pratice I am at this weird intermediary stage where I feel, oh I could help others by reporting or scare away newbies, because of my intensity. So, I thought reflecting is a good way, as well as, seeing what others have to say and learning from their experience and the whole green shabang, so I in return do the same. I want to ask specific questions tomorrow, Ill be at the dorm most likely again so I will feel akward again asking questions about meditation while walls talk.

Alright, I am on the new laptop and I will have to get used to the keyboard. Otherwise, I am right into the retreat and wanted to write a report, so far. I meditated approx for 5h 15 from a potential time usage of 6h. Also, I feel when back at my hometown since it is a larger city that the city itself is more conscious, yet only the conscious people, I mean chilling all day at the university shows me, how conscious young people generally are and I see them even as unconscious then going shopping here and going for some random kiosk drink, is apparently to radicall for the people. The look at me like I`ve been taking drugs, it is sort of weird while they look unhealthy, fat and not fit at all. I feel like they are taking drugs and there are so many foreigners here in this city it*s nuts. So, I can squirl away myself at my home doing the retreat for the time given and enjoy the silence of the city, that has more beauty than the inhabitants here. Now there will be a 4h see in - intensive. So, a concentration pratice focusing on no self and insight. To express it secularly. Also, survival seems to be a big thing for the average populace somehow, I am curious why they cling to this notion of we are the people, when everything is seperate here and they care more about their stupid families. Like you`d share.

I will workout today with a friend and will receive his laptop. I received all of the information for the retreat and sat the two hours yesterday.

OkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I went to the gym did my 100 burpees 100 situps and 100 switchy thingy ind 24 minutes. My protein shake is sitting at my neighbours door. I will receive a new laptop tomorrow. I will workout tomorrow. I am starting Hitlers List. I will workout tomorrow again. I eat to much sugar apparently 50 - 65 gram is fine, more 50-25 with 2000 kcal diet from what I've read. I am at 15% body fat ? Did I write this even in here ? I notice again how much immaturety is projected upon me since I prefer embracing my inner child. I notice all of this role playing again somehow, this stuck with me for the last couple of days. I don't know currently what is toxic anymore, since what I would feel is toxic is actually now just some assertivness ??????? To which degree ? I will receive the stuff for the retreat and I messed up the registration, so I was not put automatically onto the list. Vitamin B is vitamin B12, 6, 3, 2, 1 ,0, 100. My weigh actually has BCAA and is vegan. The internship and working with these scales takes away a lot of time. I will go back home over the weekend to my hometown to get the laptop etc. I will do my bachelors with these scales most likely. There is so much sugar in foods, nuts are fatty, I knew I always hated food. I did not read upon healthy narccism because I forgot. I don't have a good book to read on my way back home besides the one book there. I'll read that. I don't know book or audiobook. I am just wasting time now to wait for the bus nd train, yet I could clean my appartement. So, I'll do that !

Today has been one of the most productive, unproductive days I've had for quite a while. I helped a guy, I sent a parcel back and had lunch with my co-worker afterwards, I prepared the parcel in the morning, I called the support service and they will look at the new laptop and I organized a new laptop for that time which is fking two weeks !! Where this thing will be gone. + some smaller things. So, I did not do anything till now for work and it's 14pm, and I arrived earlier than usual. I also sent out a couple of e-mails because of the retreat since I did not somehow receive any information regarding it... I also had to write and comment on one post for whatever reason. I don't know what I wanted to write about. I am definitely happy and yes I just remembered. The point that people call Leo a narccist is well.. obviously first of all it is important to look at oneself our generation is described as the most narccistic, and I feel somehow the older generations are starting to appreciate this a little bit more. It's like a repeppring of youth somehow ? Hm... the point is narccism is even good as far as I know as long as it is not pathelogical because they generally have high-selfesteem not an inflated one. So, there is healthy narccism, the question is does Leo know this and thinks of this himself and am I narccistic ? I definitely noticed some superficial characteristics that I have where I'd say fk okay, this is quite narccistic esepcially when I deal with people I feel I just drop them somehow, even when I don't feel I do it I am ultra open and build connections quite fast, yet it is difficult to maintain them, when working on projects I just tend to forget. And tbh, not many people reach out to me, yet they very often reply and are happy that we talk, most are just already in their social circles and or are not as deliberate as I am pursing relationships, I do this actively because I am very high on the agreeabelness scale 72 percentile for a male. So, I naturally tend to be a bit passive-aggresive in this politness thing, you know at office and stuff, yet I did so much shadow work already, it's more of an healthy quality now, since I can be either assertive or let people subtely know if it is potentially not approriate and do not have any qualms about oh, I could say 289012093809213 and just go straight to them and say I am sorry I apologize or I could say no I don't like the idea etc. So, this is okay, I don't want to take this model to seriously as well as, I am confused am I just managing chaos = yellow or am I creating out of chaos ? I definitely feel the later since, I am making more and more out of chaotic circumstances and I feel that is what live has tested me the last 6 months, especially. I always liked this about me that I can do this pretty well etc. Anything else ? I want to be a bit careful with this narccism thing I don't know if this is some cycle again where people collective learn and I feel like oh shit I am above the trend already 3 years ago, and I could actually learn. Or I am simply fooling myself. It's definitely useful to know what healthy narccism is I will look it up now again, I've read about grandios, intellectual and the vulnerable narccist or malignant how ever they where called 3 years ago... So, I know the types that are categoriced in the ICD - 10 or so. Or how ever the diagnostic scale is called. One thing I've read was when you self think you are a narccist you are not one, meaning the actual "diseas".

This is insane the same goes for data that is being shared via fitness apps etc. They can sell the fitness data to the insurance companies and adjust their health (programms for instance 200 euro for going to the gym 3 times and certifying that, not sure if this was a bonus before, yet they can target specific groups more intensly because of that. I like that they offer benefits, for instance yet it's similar to chatbots etc. they can facilitate customer service, yet at the sametime can be absued for demagoguery, in all sorts of forms. Nothing is really "decentralized" for instance like bitcoin as far as I know the companies keep the data to themselves, some protocol tools should be able to decipher it, I am actually doing that. But, yes I can see the data even with something simple, they have a lot of personal data etc, let alone by "hardware" alone and users don't have control as far as I know. This is even an open/potential business model, since a lot of young people want to protect their data. Yet, not enough people care yet. Not even considering the laws about this stuff.

I've set a timer for 10 minutes. My laptop is actually defect and not my charger, so I will receive ideally a new one I hope the gurantee covers it the laptops works fine, yet it certainly does not charge correctly every time etc. I took precautions already. I pratically forgot what I wanted to contemplate about, so I will write it down. Retirement Software engineering 20's Love, Life, Beauty Adventure Youth Asprations. Watching the YouTube TechLead gives me a lot to think about he had a lot of success as a normal person and worked really hard for his success. Yet, still his wife leaving him, he being a normal guy in a sense and wanting to enjoy the beauty of life, asking what does it mean, trying to figure himself out, was similar to me how I felt before I found meditation now I know that this depth that he was searching for or trying to find is possible first and foremost, yet also it is a fun adventure as well as has many benefits for mental and health aspects. Now, what inspires me about him is that he found so much joy and comfort in programming and that he enjoys all of these small things that I enjoyed during the times I travelled, besides I add in more sports etc. I assume. Now is the time where I have the most energy I could workout 7 times a day and sleep on 6h and still function pretty well, although I notice 7-8h of sleep is smarter, the point is I am on a very good way I just need to be consistent and improve things one step at a time or strategically work on multiple things that are small and doable, for instance read a book on the weekend on finance. Or listen to an audiobook and read a book in one week or anything similar. Complaining is pointless, informing myself and weaving together theory and pratice is what I want to learn. I also would love to have a side income, yet at the same time I don't know what to build and I have not yet sufficient skills and my interest range is broad in this area. I miss traveling and even today just not working out to just expend excess energy. It is similar to my aspirations when I was very very much .... into learning chinese I studied for 3-4 months on my own with an app and with an online course, I can still understand what some people say yet only out of a very small context, when I took french courses here I actually noticed my chinese is better then my french. Yet, I learned how to allocate my time better, and this is now the benefit I have. I still fall prey to playing video games from time to time, yet it is not something where I would say it's to much. It's funny how short and long a 10 minute reflection can be and just adds up I used to journal an hour because I started to like writing so much, and self-expression, yet I noticed my vocabulary is quite limited even when I learn new words like amylases and delimeted, I definitely don't want to give up on the perception of wonder, awe and joy and want to see work and the expression of working also as joy. I mean there are humans on this planet which could not even begin working on anything that I do, just because their whole structure of society and the globe does not enable them to pursue or let them even dream of becoming let's say a neuroscientist, or a lawyer or an anstronaut. I imagine some random guy or girl in a poor family in Burma or so not being allowed to do anything of that sorts because of religion, this sometimes makes me angry in the sense of feeling myself being imprionsed by my own experiences of what I call self. Wanting me and them to be free. I would sometimes love to just shed a tear for some of them when I can, since madness seems so normal now in the west. Oh another shooting. Oh another refugee that became deported, Oh a new far right movement. Underestimating all of this will hopefully not fuel the defeat of what conscious human beings are trying to create. Yet, I can't really speak for my generation I don't see them being innovative at least here. Also I don't feel they are properly educated about history in some aspects, and different systems that used to govern the world and how evolution took place on a sociological level as well as "anthropological" it would be so normal to see things relative, and even start to beginng thinking how these systems and or ideas start to come about in the first place. I loved history classes as well as sociology classes, as well as computer science and biology. I liked philosophy also, till every idea I had was refuted by the teacher, so I became more interested in religions and cultures, yet again full circle. Maybe a cyclical reminder or w/e.

10 min reflection: Yesterday was quite good my morning routine worked today, still I wasted a lot of time and I fell alseep very late around 2am approx. Normally I go to bed between 10pm and 11pm. Still I read for quite some time as well as got distracted by the internet. Programming and seeing myself as a programmer is important as well as seeing myself as a reader and as an early riser, it helps to think my into the mind of how such a person would think and act, yet doing this deliberately and consciously is the key thing to do. Otherwise, the body-mind identification is very odd, I am not sure how I could break that Leo said kriya yoga and psychedelics are good, I know Japanese meditators in a monastary squat under a waterfall for hours to meditate. Well..... going to the gym is a joke compared to that ? I tried psychdelics around 20-30 times or so, and I definitely did not went deep enough, I noticed where the main identification of the body took and takes place and I had a kriya experienes a half year later after that insightful trip. So, it was wonderful to break free of what seemed other or alien or me. Now I notice my brain and the same spot mainly feels like it makes me want to identifiy with it, I can't sit very well and I fear the pain unconsciously having a guide sometimes is great. It is like exposure therapy I know I struggle with certain things alone, I can inform myself and conquer it the fear of doing smth. Yet, in the end. Training my body helps me to disidentify with it, since I am using up energy and learn what it means to have a body, eating healthy is a bit more similar yet more with the inner workins of the body. The same goes for the mind when reading and learning new stuff. Yet, even when uniting, feeling, insight, thinking and "being", I can not reach yet a metaphysical stage, I am seriously questioning my technique at the moment if I am to invested in something that does not work. Over the weekend I will do different exercises within the UM System and will see if what I am saying has any truth to it here and if I can learn something new. I notice how difficult, yet at the sametime easy it is to build muscles if I do the right exercises, the same goes for meditation most likely. Yet, if I train everything ? I have to take care of everything and everything won't grow as fast a one thing or certain parts. I mean it does work, yet I can't tell where I made the mistake, was it really the amount of fat I was eating ? Or is it normal that it takes time to build muscles in a calorie deficiet ? When I listen to Culadasas book I feel like I am at stage 0 or so feeling tired after 45minutes, yet that could be the strong dulness he speaks about when not training for pure concentration at the beginning. Since, I normally don't get tired, yet sometimes it hits me. It's similar to loosing balance in a state where you are constantly balancing out and insert small amounts of concentration to each moment arising and passing, retroactively or actively. I struggle with rest and gone, from shinzens technique the rest is fine, so a lot of flow and the normal see hear feel thing, yet rest is more difficult to detect for me than gone currently.

Look at me talking with an anime picture lol !

Ok, another entry I don't want to comment on some of the things that I perceive, otherwise I would go mad. I dislike people who do not take care of their consciouness in some way, regardless if it is following their passions or interest, most people who do that are more conscioues than others. Some are just maybe genetically fked, I mean how can you be so depressive and consume so much toxic stuff ? I mean it's not like you are trying to quit heroin or cocain, you can stop watching childish TV shows that enforce your notion of your self-perceived hero fantasy. I am not sure such people would fight for the "good" and not even know what it is, and adhere to socities standards making them unavailable for unorthodox request for instance for business to do a quick repair or smth. Or teach someone who to write a specific line of code to solve some problem. I don't get these people besides that they either where bullied at home or at school, yet now things are different and they still do not make any moves. I don't see why for instance I do it and they not. It's not like I have not been bullied or made fun out of in school and have flashbacks or feelings that are just engrooved into my skull, and I can sense when it could happen. Sometimes I even see this as a teacher since they are triggering basically shadow elements, which I can then learn about which I appreicate, yet sometimes this emotional turmoil takes the upperhand and slaps me right into the face. So, that is that I will start programming for 2h, and tbh I am a bit tired of not having so much time to finish projects, yet this is also interesting how to deal with limited time since this would be a simulation for living and working a 9 to 5 job as well as going to the gym and programming. I mean.......................................... I did this before with 5k runs, with outdoor training in London and in Beijing, and I was more consistent with it besides in Beijing at one point the pollution just scared me and after I overcame that thought I went outside, yet I had no clue what I am doing besides from one friend who did freeletics the hardcore version of it for 3 months, and I mean hardcore version forcing me to do 100 pushups in a row and then 50 burpess etc. Now I am in a similar situation with my tennisarm I found an easy stretching exercise where I do not need any additionla equipment. Now, what does it teach me ? It teaches me, my habits, my lifestyle, my routine, my schedule, my time managment, my project managment, my charisma, my people skills, my Yellow attitude / structure-stage, my non-existing turqouise contrast so it's difficult to see beyond sometimes when I myself only see things as I have read them etc. What else ? Programming, Reverse Engineering, Reading BluetoothProtocols, data safety and so on, I basically learn how to survive and use my time wisely with what I want to do in my life. So, again not having a bed routine is a killer, not having a going to bed habit is a killer, staying up longer on weekends are a killer. The point is why do I do it ? when I justify it I say, hey tomorrow is another day, nothing is perfect, just accept things as they are, don't stress about it , you worked all week have some fun. And then thoughts come like, oh you did not read a lot this week, you could do some programming, etc. Then I notice oh fk, when I wake up at 09:00 am and then eat and meditate it's already around 11:00 am thats 3 hours from lunch for now, instead of waking up at 06:30 and being ready at 8:40 so, I could start at 09:00 am when I can do that I do think and believe that I can finish a lot of projects one after another, yet I often wake up at 09:00 am browser etc and then I start studying at around either 15:00 or 17:00 the latter only when there is a lot of time left for the project and or class. So, .... I want to make this a habit I know I like to stay up late and play video games or just to stay up late and watch some youtube videos or read random articles etc. I know that I like the night because I used to go out and party and drink a lot when I was in high school and since you can drink with 16 here in Germany, that was so common I tbh did not know a lot of people who did not do it, or did it in some form. The smart ones had a soccer game or a "handball" game and drank with their team afterwards and studied on friday and sunday or saturday. So, they learned a more structure approach to studying. Well... I stopped sports way to early I knew it was missing, yet this is and was a common theme, being emotionally hijacked so I do not even notice it, being more conscious helps to notice that. I was quite naive when I was younger, I still am. Yet, I also like this quality, okay enough self-anaylsis. I did not read a lot when I went to bed yesterday so I can't write something interesting or useful. My point is I want to change this habit and become aware why I am doing it and what are the cues etc. When behaviour change often did not work for me and I would have needed some form of accountability. So, getting accountability is harder then I make it ? I definitely can't convince any of my older friends I tried since XXXXX years and they still are doing the same shit mostly. Or even do worse stuff, since they did not listen to me and push through, yet that is their fault. Graitude Journal: I am thankful for taking part in shinzen youngs life pratice programm today I am thankful for yummy food and that I can even eat and do not need to starve or worry about fundamental survival I am thankful that I can study today in my favorite room. I am thankful that I had a lot of fun today at the internship and saw and learned new things I am thankful that I found people that want to be happy regardless if it is through external means or internal or combined, yet I am thankful for consciously happy people.

I'd thought I'd go through my list and share YouTube channels with very very enlightend people that I would attest for if I could emperically. Most of them are known some maybe not. The channels are all the offfical channels of the "operator". Adyashanti https://www.youtube.com/user/Adyashanti Alan Watts https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcSHd1xIpXcIEpRRJd3V4IQ/videos Culadasa https://www.youtube.com/user/Culadasa Dalai Lama https://www.youtube.com/user/gyalwarinpoche/videos Eckhart Tolle https://www.youtube.com/user/EckhartTeachings Integral Zen https://www.youtube.com/user/IntegralZen/videos Jiddu Krishnamurti https://www.youtube.com/user/KFoundation MingyurRingpoche https://www.youtube.com/user/MingyurRinpoche Peter Ralston https://www.youtube.com/user/PeterRalston Thich nhat hanh https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcv7KJIAsiddB2YRegvrF7g Sadghuru https://www.youtube.com/user/sadhguru Shunyamurti (not sure about him, I did not watch to many videos of him) https://www.youtube.com/user/satyogainstitute Shinzen Young https://www.youtube.com/user/ShinzenInterviews Shinzen Young (2 - Channel) https://www.youtube.com/user/expandcontract Could the readers add a couple of their own channels, it would be cool to see some different channels of enlightend people from time to time, especially also female masters. Would be very interested in that. As well as other channels.

Before I start anything today I want to report on my sleep schedule. I certainly do wake up on time, yet I go back to bed almost instantly, like I said almost I take 10 min or so and decide to go back to bed for an hour today I had the idea oh, I can set the timer of going backt to sleep 15 mins back so I reduce the friction of wanting to sleep strategically. I will try that, and also set a go to bed timer, I am still not sure how I am supposed to get 7h of sleep, yet all of these small things, like whatsapp, browsing the net, or feeling the need to communicate are horrible. When I don't get enough of it especially the latter, and I waste a lot of time just doing these things even if I find them essentials. I even forgot to take my nootropics this morning and therefore feel not on top, some of them are essential since my diet does not fully allow me to take it for instance there are no fking fruits here I could buy and or eat, so I take vitamin c supplements to have my daily ideal intake I would need to eat around 2 apples at least that is what chronometer showed me I feel way more happy when I take them, and I bought a couple of apples sure, yet it's not like I said I can jump into a store after work and buy a couple of fruits and milk and hop back out for 10 minutes or so for the whole week etc. or some pears etc. So, me waking up on time and taking the nootropics is crucial and I don't intend to become a coffee addict. So, that is one point which I definitely do not like

A 10 minute break goes by very fast the timer is almost up. I bought the retreat yesterday and I hope I will receive a notification in time. Now, then otherwise I am a bit dissapointed in my friend group no taking things as seriously as I do and not taking and creating chances, yet instead slacking off and focusing on things that they could have built some years ago, I don't criticize them and wish them also much success, yet it's somehow bothering when I listen to audiobooks telling me that I associating with the right people who have the behaviours that you want is a smart strategy. Which it surely is, yet it lacks heart. So, not spending to much time with them is good, yet not spending anytime with them does not show any integrity. Well... my gym progress is ??????????? I am now in week 12. And the app now recommende hellweek, while I have a tennis ellbow, and shit hurts. So, I'll try to pick the exercises that do not focus on my ellbow. I am still a bit disappointed with my results and I can't believe that I do so much wrong apparently ? Or do I just need to persist ? That is what I am asking I see changes, sometimes I have some sweet things like now and check the ingredient list and count the fat and calrories up, yet the exercises take to much time I'd hope I could do them faster, yet it is somehow not possible. I asked a friend he recommended working out two times, I mean fine yes when I have a body like him or want to maintain my body otherwise I watched a video from then x explaining that working out everyday is possible when you focus on light exercises and don't go ham 24/7 7 times a week. Yet, my timer is over. I will contemplate about this for a bit tomorrow or rather reflect upon choices and thoughts. With the caliper measurement method I am at 15% body fat, so that is good. Still, I don't see my abs when I don't look in the mirror and lean back. Yes, that sentence negates the negation. Ok enough.

Small 10 minutes review. Nobody believies me that I won in a raffle. Let's see what wins conscious perception or common doubt lol. Now, I wanted to do a quick 10 min max review. People advised me that if I'd wanted to learn coding I should not go to the professor where I am at, there difference here is that he is innovating as far as I perceive things and people who took his courses received very good jobs. So, I am interested in what actually he will teach. I like him as a human, so I can't tell and that I don't have to be in a room with a billion of other people. As well as I am out for a bit more adventure, yet still there is some doubt about actual skills that I will be learning as well as how much time I need to invest to find out simple things. Otherwise I've read a few pages in the productivity book yesterday and I the tips were not to schedule meetings back to back to take a break in between and do 2 minute tasks in the meantime. Also, about priorities that if you schedule priorities let's say project A has a prority of P1 while P5 is the least important, and project B has a priority of P3 that when suddenly an e-mail or a phone call comes and disrupts you what do you do ? When your co-workers needs your immediate attention or a boss, you drop everything and go to them etc. Now, what to do in that sort of situation ? One thing that you can do is you plan your week in advance or ideally if possible two weeks and dedicate certain amount of time to the priority of the project, so when a number of P1 projects stack up you still have control over your time and dedicate a certain amount of blocks of time during the week or allocate it to a specific timespan. From 11:00 - 13:00 P1 Project - Learn about cloud computing for e.g. So, I would do that which I am actually doing the bullet journal is like a speed hack for productivity combining many principles now learning about them is a good guide which tells me okay, you are on the right track and you have automatically implemented the underlying principles. Now, also what is being said reflect 5 minutes each day if you don't have 5 minutes refelect 10. Well well... let's see how fast I will grow without dysfunction anymore. Gratitude journal: I am thankful for support that I receive during my internship I am thankful for people who give support. I am thankful for the kindness of others. I am thankful for a tranquil meditation session in the morning. I am thankful that I feel that I am on the right path.

Okay, so another entry. I coded today for 1h I did not code on the weekend because of my weird meditation insight and my structure of the weekend. I can't go to any building besides the one that I am at I could go to the libary and study there, I aim to do that, yet I would have to walk down there and eat some food in advance, yet I could actually do that.... So, next weekend. This weekend I will do another weekend retreat. I listend to the audiobook atomic habits again when I went grocery shopping today and apparently I WON IN A FREAKING RAFFLE. So, that was odd. My mom complaind with her weird non-existential Yellow "Vernunft" which she does not have and I can say that a billion times, yet she does not get it. So, she complained that I gave out banking information with a false orange scepticism. While I applied to legit raffles recommended by student websites. Yet, she was right also, so I will take action on that, depending on how well I can execute all of it. Now, it's gettint late. The audibook described that a strategy of identity is so important, seeing myself as an athelete as well as a programmer could help me tremendously, the approach I wrote from the medium website was maybe to technical and just forced, like I was a robot. Instead I could rely on systems and heart more I like it that the author talks about systems instead of goals. That behaviour and actions drive the results and being on the trajectory is alread a result and to see that. That is the most legit advice my mother gave me focus on the process, when she works she does that but only when she works, but again, 0 ambition not a lot of orange, besides orange/blue type sceptecism. Yet, she is Green imo and for a typical German quite developed, instead of what I sometimes see, and or perceive my mom surely is an oddball. I don't think she notices that but she is odd as fk lol. Now, I got side-tracked easily, I feel that I am getting more intune with my masculine side as well as stage "orange" achievment is a healthy positive way. I still have some critque left at the internship I can't tell if this is actually Yellow, since I rated my prof that way and the discussions etc. He has on various newsarticles etc. seem to skew a bit more yellow than others. I felt for instance HCI is very Yellow/Green and Green/Orange, with main focus of some Green mixture etc. But back to the habit thing, also saying that for instance I am a non-smoker is better then saying no I don't smoke since an identity shift occured and I could finally release the old identity which has been entrenched in my old self, it is not a way of my life anymore ! So, that is how I would re-parrot what he said. So, I don't quite get the critque on Wilber I did not read much from him, yet I listend and watched a lot of videos, I mean you can't tell from writing exactly how Green etc. someone is sure you can especially when skilled tell that there are certain thought patterns, dogmas, and or frame of writing which seems to be a certain colour. Yet, looking at Wilber and hearing his story partially I do think he has a very high amount of Green for his generation my mom is also a baby-boomer, so the book post truth trumpism was mainly addressed also to baby boomers who raised Gen Y children etc. I've read that on the integral life site. Anyway, for my "perceived" him as ISTP ... he certainly is quite warm and Green, compared to other especially in my generation who revert to this psychotic, cool type, nihilism. So, I am not really up for aruging althought I'd like to enter my two cents, yet it will get to technical and will take a lot of time to read, which I don't have and you can see how easily I can get distracted, yet also again how fast I can comeback from the distraction. I do think this is mainly because of open monitoring or choiceless awarness or shikentaza pratice that I've been doing mainly over the last 2-3 years. So, I like that I can be momentairly highly concentrated through out the day. It may not be the best strategy, shinzen mentioned that khanika samdadhi is very important, I wrote again and asked if i can talk, I will receive feedback and I want to ask him about studying meditatio, no self practices and potentially breaking sleep. Since I tried bi-phaisc sleep for 2-3 months or 1-2 months. Or so, a freaking month only has 4 weeks. Otherwise think about the strategy of identity how it was mentioned in the audiobook, for instance one girl changed her behaviour to eating healthy by constantly asking what would a healthy person so, similar to praticing self-inquiry to a degree, and practicing it through out the day. So, yes I wll do that with programming and coding. I will see myself first as a programmer/coder. Otherwise, having implementation intentions I tried this also is supposed to work great, also in addition Gretechn Rubins book the four personalities or so, says the rebel which "I am" benefits greatly from the strategy of identity, I build a workout habit with it in addition to using online accountability, instagram. So, hm... that is what I could get out of the audiobook, I was talking to the guys who said I won the raffle as well as my mom on my way home. So, that is that. Let's see...

I am having a 10 min break after my 50 min of deep work. I got distracted partially by my co-worker, now it's quite yet the timer was running, so I will still do smth. in these 10 minutes that is of benefit to me, for now. I wanted to review the video mentally as well as I can and see if I can derive anything out of it which is beneifical in more orange factors. So, the thing is why ? Why do I want to do behaviour changes ? Why am I asking why ? Why do I want to be more succesful ? Why do I want to change my life with simple basic principles that most are missing ? Why do I want to have programming as a habit ? As for instance a daily habit ? Because I love the complexity of it and that I can google for answers and come up with solutions of my own, that I can be creative of how I can structure the code to a certain degree, that I can learn about various patterns and their effects, therefore different modalities. I like it also since it feels more language based then mathimatical from what I currently do, as well as I do enjoy the mathematical side of it. I like that I can see what I produce and that I can see the results almost immediately. I like it that many are somewhere here in Europe at Green and are aware of political correctness and uphold that. I also like the rowdy more orange bunch, you can have a lot of fun of them and many are still respectful. I like it also as a lifestyle, coding as a lifestyle is basically how I lived as a kid and as a student my whole life and I enjoy this introverted way of living. I also enjoy that I have more freedom because of the financial situation and I can take vacations or pursue hobbies on the weekend or during the week that I enjoy. I can even purchase a car, so another why is besides the selfless aspect of liking to programm for programmings sake, which is part of the motivation, I still want to motivate myself by the external benefits I receive and learn to detach myself from them, since they did not fullfill me till now and I can still enjoy them and see their benefit. Gratitude Journal: I am thankful for the Thomas Frank video in the morning. I am thankful for content on the web learning from videos and from people who take the time to make them. I am thankful for meditation and the contentess I receive and perceive as well as the insights I have. I am thankful for the home pratice programm from shinzen young. I am thankful for people who can enjoy a good, beautiful and sunny day.

I wanted write a post before I meditate, yesterday was weird again a lot of weird light flashes again and I could not tell anymore if I am conscious or not, since it was just slapped into it. I am watching a YouTube video about self-discipline and waking up on time, I am definitely missing basic persoanl development. I do a couple of things, for instance meditation for self-discipline. Journaling, as well as having a bullet journal as my schedule. Yet, what I am often not doing is the strategy of identity so that I choose to perceive and conceive myself as for instance an early riser instead of a night owl. I definitely want to work on that the video I just watched says it's not important to have a perfect streak, yet that overall things have a positive trend. So, when I look at my sleep schedule habit grid, it's 3/7 times in a week approx. where I make it on bed on time and wake up on time. The 1h leeway personally works fine, yet I thought gradually reducing it to 15 minutes so I wake up on the same time is not easy. I am also missing an identity to wake up early on the weekend, so I could see myself as not an inmate of my dorm room. Yet, the ceo of my life ? A productivity hacker ? An early bird ? An early riser and fitness coach ? I am lacking ideas I'll try to perceive myself as this and I still wanted to listen to Atomic Habits again. I finished the audiobook version of the religion of tomorrow, yet hearing it once is like reading 50-100 pages imo. Especially it 30h volume reading the book though gives me insights retroactively. So, I will meditate now and go to the internship, eat breakfast before and plan my week. Also, I will pay for the retreat on the weekend this week before the 4th of september. After that I am not sure if I will be able to do retreats for a couple of months, depends on my work progress.

@ajasatya The post is one year old, I was suprised to see it again. I took the LPC, I am working on that, as well as I can currently. Yet, that will take some time. Yes, I can find the tests in real life by reading the description, doing the pratices and contemplate the nature of them or the isness of the descriptions and check for biases etc. I am not 100% there, yet on what I can offer etc, so I am still exploring there, yet I have good clues thanks to the LP, I have my vision set for sure it can change. Desire is a bit more tricky since this term is for me experiantially still rooted in duality, so I look for the most authentic ones and I keep pursing this for now. I was curious during that time, since it was around the time Leo released the episodes and I've been listening to this already for a year or so through audiobooks and wilber kept talking about research and tests, there are some valid ones apparently. I don't know how tests are conducted, yet he also says reading the descriptions and seeing it through ones own eyes experientially, is one modality to see this. Don Beck has a test in his audiobook version so it's from the author. I can't really tell how valid all of this could be since I did not study psychology or social science to know how sentence based tests work. I answered most of the questions to a certain amount of depth, yet it keeps changing and evolving it depends on what I do in my life, so that is what I can say about that. There are obstacles that I want to get rid off etc. I can't find the test from the MD or so with a quick google search. For those interested a highly complex upper left quadrant version of this is susan-cook-greuters stages of development, you can find it on leos blog or the paper via google. It's available for free. Also includes third tier.

Eckhart Tolle mentioning Wilber. I love it !

Okay, I am stopping the cajolery from the audiobooks and will make a quick reflection before I eat my food and get out of the appartement. My workouts are fine I want to gain muscles in a calore deficiet now, yet I can't type in every calorie some people say it's not efficient to coun them or not neccessary I will still test this to the degree I can, since I can't find every product on chronometer, yet it provides myself with a pretty good overview of what I can eat and when I find new products or eat them, I can look for them and have a reference value. So, the cajolery, the switch between gym and going for a coding session is still not very fluent I waste a lot of time washing the dishes and stuff like this, still this is the best time according my plan, still my sleep would have to suffer, besides when I would do the sessions early on the morning, yet I still struggle to get out of bed early in the morning and since I can do whatever I want I can sleep longer. As long as I provide results which I am doing, not perfectly yet I like it that my professor is positive and actually gives compliment instead of lamenting all day long about the quality of students or the work ethic and stuff like this or the new generation. Still, if it is about productivity I am still a bit stuck in not prefering what is important as well as urgent as well as important. I still do what is urgent which is sort of needy. I get better at finishing projects and get accustomed to arbitary deadlines, yet this is customary. So, I will give myself credit for wanting to uphold them, yet executing them and knowing how I can get used to setting my own deadlines is still a skill not present in my repertoire yet. So, doing it over and over again is good. I still want to learn when I need to give up in terms of real life goals and endeavours, not video games, that is a bit to easy. Yet, I feel gave the proper perspective to tell okay, it's time to quit the other team won. I will make myself tea and go to the building, I will study for approx 2h and see how far I can get what are relevant questions to ask, so I would not need to read a book or tips for instance and solve this project dilema with common sense ? How long do I need to study each day ? What ressources do I need ? When should the project be finished ? Can I ask someone for help ? What do I not know ? What part of the projcet do I want to work on ? What do I know ? What do I need to learn for now ? What would a project manager do ? What would an autodidact do ? Options I have: Read the bookmarked page and implement the code, test the behaviour of the code. Ask on reddit / check reddit for an answer. Ask a my friend and go home over a weekend. Set a 3 arbitary deadlines read the chapter again about arbitary deadlines in the book. Take a huge block of time on the weekend and dedicate it to programming for instance 10h prepare food take smart breaks etc. , read the notes of the LP course again about habits, to the process again. Finish it segmentally, I am not sure how I can go about this in a systemic way. I have to build up which is weird instead of breaking down. As simple as this sounds it's odd. It's different it is like a work out. hm......... From the book I read two days ago a chapter loosers think about goals winners about systems, the system was the behaviour leading to the goal, since behaviour can be so complex depending how I view it for instance when I reach up to a pull up the fibers of my muscle stretch and the latisimus dorsi is activated, the movement causes small injuries to the muscel fibers and through regernation it will fix the cracks and grow the muscles through for instance growth hormones. Yet, see I am lacking the why. Why do the cracks grow, I could read on the weird systems side that has been posted on the forum and I understand what is meant, yet I am not interested in studying it. I thought I would be, yet it was so abstract it was boring. So, I refrained from doing that, so I can't use the pure abstraction and use it as a scafold for introducing myself to systemic ways. I can use what I know from Wilber so, I could would lacking the part of the holon, yet I find this to be weak currently to have such a simplistic view, I definitely did not explore yellow in breadth, I was never a very good breadth guy, so my skills in any domain mostly lack. So, the behaviour that would lead to the outcome of having a vision is the tea routine, repetition of the habit, a reward, small things like putting on clothes, packing the laptop in the bag, keeping my room clean etc. A system can also be very easy when I recall the lectures about vendor machines etc. A few gates, a few different decisions and it get's complex very easily, since all of it is interwoven and has to be entageled. I just hope I will get accepted at the universities I want to go to. Okay, enough palaver.

I will make a short entry I will cook some food now and clean the dishes and then go to the building on the campus where I can study coding for approx. 2h or so. What am I thankful for today ? I am thankful for meeting new people and very open people again. I am thankful for chatting with good friends. I am thankful for my mom taking care of me. I am thankful for my discipline to work out 5 times a week. I am thankful to have a lenient professor, who takes care. So, that is that otherwise I would write again for at least half a hour, I want to make everything work out, for now focusing on the coding habit is the most important thing it is urgent and important. Next weekend I will be doing a retreat so I can't procrastinate with this project !!! This is very very important. I schedule my study sessions, and I can still ask a friend for help which is good. Yet, I want to have this project finished before the new semester that would be so freaking perfect. Yet, I am stuck even with minor things, and I could go by to office and ask someone around the floor to help, yet I did not do it, I am still not very strongly proactive, potential strong, yet not very strong. So, that is that. I had a really weird encounter yesterday which was fun. I actually meet again an INTP girl the second one so far, it was fun as hell and she was non of the dogmatic intp's she made me laugh actually about donkeys. I could not believe it, I just had to laugh. The universal donkey INTP's. The great classic.