ValiantSalvatore

And again no real answers. This path is so lonely, Ill want this meditation behaviour change thing to work.

Microfears today: Fear of a dog type person Fear of meeting the person I currently hate the most Fear of priviledge Fear of the unseen whitness of white people Fear of receiving to much information Fear of abusing trust given to me Fear of traditional people Fear of the collective unconsciouness of germans Fear of being alone to much Fear of not meeting any like minded people Fear of not getting enough sleep Fear of not having enough time Fear of not being well-organized Fear of not having enough money Fear of spending to much money Fear of the ethnocentrism of foreigners in Germany Fear of modernity Fear of post-modernity Fear of being ostracized Fear of having made a bad decision since I wanted to stay up late and test 4h sleep and see if my meditation habit made any difference Fear of the content of my dreams not being able to interpret them properly when they are so vivid Fear of being to long at the gym Fear of distracting myself to much Fear of not learning what I want to learn Fear of having to survive Fear of the concept of survival Fear of the hatred of survival Fear of the cold heartedness of others Fear of organized people Fear of being to influnced by the steady rap music being played at the gym How are these microfears related to my identity ? They are related into my identity so far that my behaviour and conduct changes based on it, I am pretty sure I am not aware of every role I play, for instance the polite guy, or charming guy etc. Are ideas that are stuck afterwards in my head, did I behave in that manner just now. I just wanted to be me, what is me ? When I fear my identity I fear the fear in me that makes up the identity ? So, they definitely shape the roles I play and my behaviour. How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? They are shaped in a negative way, sometimes I curse or sometimes I perceive a lot of sterotypes since people think in that way and I notice it when I do not interact with them and break the sterotype, since I am not sterotypical. So, stereotypes are filled in my thought stream through fear, and I evaluate the situation based on them sometimes, depending on how traditioanl etc. These sterotypes tend to be mostly modern, to even system to post-modern, I prefer the post-modern sterotypes for instance the hippie, yogi, the iconoclast, etc. I am a bit tired. What am I unwilling to experience ? I am unwilling to experience these roles fully and show the woundeness that is being played out and therefore not being able to let go a a crippled not full-fleged role.

@outlandish It works for me so I assume also for others, I embedded the link from the video as a a normal url.

I feel like writing a small post. I feel a bit off on how fake in general people are and they only admire the results of training or when they can tangible see it. It is not like they wish you well during the process of becoming, although a few do. It is a bit akward since I cant share my life experience with a lot of people and it does not make sense, the people who I connect the most with are usually also single childs, or grew up in a similar way where they have a lot of room for themselves. So, I can relate to them a lot more, usually they also have somehow the same interest. I convinced my professor to do crossfit lol, I am not sure why he takes it into consideration and I feel a bit sterotypical inpsiring people through my fitness and enegry levels, although I am not a high energetic person I easily have access to "piti" which most seem not to have so feelings of excitement etc. Can come quite easily to me and I generally feel that I feel more than most people, which is cool, yet annyoing that no one even tries besides a few to feel this quality themselves. I feel it now and can controll what I noticed small pitis or the smallest piti at will, and spread it throughout the body in seconds, I wonder what this means. That I have a lot of energy or a propensity to feel rapture, and more energetic qualities in meditation. Zen from what I read also trains in this. I will actually go to the gym today even though I did not want to go, I am just bored and want to train my body. I still cant believe that this is theoretically one of the best times in my life, I can do what I want even though it is not perfect I can learn what I wanted to learn and I can dive into topics that interest me, yet what I noticed is that it is difficult to find people who want to learn more and read. I mean I can speed read I could read in a day for instance 2-3 books if they are small if I wanted to, yet it still would take me up to 8h with notes. I never tested this yet, my WPM is far above average, still I somehow lost all interest since normal people are just interested in normal stuff and dont take it to the extraordinary, I want to contemplate that how can I get to the extraordinary and ignite my inner greatness or re-kindle my inner flame and drive for excellence. Working out surely is one way, meditation is one way, and especially also reading its sometimes difficult for me to distinguish between excitement and competition. I am not a very competitive person, I enjoy a healthy dose of competition with support. Otherwise I am a bit appaled by the selection of the cafeteria and their food, "sausage salad and fries" very this region. I enjoy the solitary lifestyle and the nature, yet I want to move and meet more out of the ordinary people. I finished my 12 Weeks coach and my meditations are working quite well so far, since I split it up in 30 minute segments with a focus of metta and a focus on choiceless awarness. I am listening to some podcats while doing some monoton work, yet one thing strikes me which is the arrogance of "educated" people, I read in somwhere if theory is not balanced by practice people become arrogant and vice-versa. It was very odd when I discoverd my own arrogance I still like it a bit to much, which is one aspect were I shoot myself in the foot. But somehow it has changed, it also gives me this piti feeling so I cant tell instead that it is just a misdirected form of life energy ?

Microfears today: Wasting time People at the gym Questions about my relationship status Fear of the forum ?.. Fear of what people think of me Fear of not being feared Fear of being left alone Fear of receiving no help Fear of failure Fear of not programming Fear of not doing enough work Fear of crying Fear of commitment ? Fear of what the other interns of other professor think about me and how I impact his repute Fear of making people look bad in my presence Fear of not having enough money Fear of not having my own car and that I other people drive me to places Fear of being a nothing and valuless Fear of time management and scheduling Fear of not eating enough Fear of going to the doctor Fear of not eating healthy enough I do think that is about it How are these microfears related to my identity ? They are related in a way that I actually think about spiral dynamics in the moment, yet somehow the model mostly for now I was able to treat fairly objectively, it is more a fear based identity of old wounds and scars, that fits better into my understanding. So these microfears are related to old wounds, traumas, fears that reside in my body, especially the plexus. How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? The thoughts are mostly shaped by emotion and or mental pictures, I can deal fairly well with mental talk and dissect the flow feelings afterwards around the cerebellum, otherwise they are shaped more into this identity mode ? Where I am playing roles that I am not conscious of ? Like "Good Boy" or "Kid" or "Man" or "Minority" or "My Authentic Self" or "Emotionally wounded child ?" or "Asshole literally I am not sure why I have this in my head", "Lucky" "Happy" etc. So they mostly represent a cultural role and or a quality that I want to maintain to prevent fear from arising. So these fears enforce an identity that is approved by others and myself. Or that others see and I unconsciously internalize since its pleases some part of them. Which I do not intend, I am not neccsarily a people pleasure, not at all. I could care less. Yet, I am quite compassionate so fear of not looking compassionate is also there hm... What am I unwilling to experience ? Feeling vulnerable, feeling open, a kriya release, body emotions, past traumas and pains, healthy roles ? More healthy roles ? Acceptance of what is ? Uncertainity unconsciously ? Although I believe I can deal with it and shadow work, yet it revolves more around the actual loss of something, loss of an opportunity, a bright future, smth similar. So, fear of having things taken from me which I dont think can be taken, for instance my value, chances, opportunities, and uniquness ?? Not sure about this so far. Yet, some of it is true.

I love this one also, one of his audiobooks has the same name. Cant get enough of his lectures ! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcPWU59Luoc Edit: In case the embedded version does not work the link is below.

This is the most famous video. I fell asleep listening to Alan Watts yesterday lol. The Audibooks from sounds true are great. So, I wont post a 3h long video.

I want to watch this fully when I have more time or watch it sporadically the host is one of the facilitators of Shinzen. Also this I never found this from shinzen. https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/WhatIsMindfulness_SY_Public_ver1.5.pdf

Gratitude Journal: I am thankful for my workout today. I am thankful that most girls I meet like me and enjoy my company. I am thankful for a beautiful day in september. I am thankful for drinking some green tea now. I am thankful for postivie feelings over negative feelings and fears in general.

Ill just do the exercise again then Ill start coidng ill make myself some tea in the meantime. Microfears that I had through out the day: - Fear of saying hello - Fear of people making fun of me - Fear of failure or looking stupid to my professor asking for clarification - Fear of turning on my music at the gym - Fear of looking at a girls butt in the gym - Fear of not being relationship potential - Fear of going upstairs and telling them to be quiet - Fear of going to the doctor - Fear of wasting time - Fear of accomplishment - Fear of not having had enough fun or "dopamine" and looking for distractions at work - Fear of doing something that is to repetitive How are these microfears related to my identity ? They are related to the way I like to see myself and not to what I could be, yet rather what I should be according to the view of myself. It seems they are rather there to be overcome, yet the experience of them is stiffiling How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? They revolve around shallow things especially since I have nothing big to think about or a good book to contemplate about that is not to complicated for instance Thick Face Black Heart one of my favorites as well as something more technical for instance The Red Queen or so, so I am left sometimes to these fearful based thoughts which shape a chain of believes and fears. For example not having a girlfriend currently and postponing dating to next year, since I want to move and I know this is an excuse as well as I know well that I could date people here. According to the book Attraction it is an excuse, I could go to dating sites. Etc. Yet, then the fears kick in I dont have a car, what if she is to materialistic, then they go to more positive thoughts, most girls I know and meet would rather date a guy with potential and healthy habits then some "looser" with money who is an asshole and has no personality. I mean they both date a guy for instance or are together who both come from a lower income family in a traditionally oriented country this would not be possible. So, I know these fears are irrational and based on cultural belives that stem from the culture and not my own thinking. And their parents are academics. What am I unwilling to experience ? Fear of rejection definitely, emotional pain and maybe even disgust, hatred, anger, jealousy and accepting these as part of the process of for instance dating.

I hope I recall the exercise correctly otherwise I want to first reflect upon my small decision I made yesterday and that I in general feel more happy working and being at the workplace then being at home or in my home town. So I deleted all games again from my laptop and will care more about things that are fun to me that I feel, like reading a bit, journaling, programming etc. So, I can work on these things including the gym and ideally also find a routine that is not 1h long. (The more toxic video games that where I am not consciouess enough...) I also found a psychdelic that "should" still be legal here in Germany through the forum here and a quick search, yet I will postpone all of this because of my bachelors degree. I dont think it is wise or smart to do this when nothing of it is done and I need a week or longer to recover when a normal video can knock me out for 2 days. There will be some video games that I still will be playing since I dont know what else to do with my time here there are no proper hobbies or distractions that I could start such as going to the museum or smth similar. ( And they are more conscious like Divinity 2 Original Sins) So the task was to observe microfears for a week ? Not sure anymore about macrofears. I figure most wont do this, I wrote down my fears in my physical journal and I dont have it with me now so I will write down my macro fears here and will do a quick rewatch of the task. I will write down my macrofears here first from what I can recall and new fears. - Fear of failure - Fear of being ridiculed - Fear of being great - Fear of performance - Fear of looking stupid - Fear of wasps... - Fear of my own power - Fear of my own anger and impulsivness - Fear of darkness - Fear of my illusions - Fear of pain !! - Fear of overcoming obstacles - Fear of death - Fear of life itself - Fear of being inferior - Fear of being incompetent - Fear of being not intelligent - Fear of feeling vulnerable - Fear of being better than others and showing it openly - Fear greater people diminishing me - Fear of feeling small - Fear of not being satisfied - Fear of boredom - Fear of showing up - Fear of being alien to others - Fear of showing my highly compassionate nature - Fear of being a kid - Fear of excitement - Fear of being couragous - Fear of being seen as weird - Fear of being a nerd - Fear of racism - Fear of ethnocentrism - Fear of "pultocracy" or yuppies who do everything to gain status - Fear of modern family lol Microfears: - Fear of getting to know people - Fear of people recognizing me - Fear of social rejection - Fear of talking to people - Fear of being made fun out of - Fear of not getting enough sleep - Fear of not being good enough - Fear of rash decision which are made against me - Fear of the reperucssions of my actions - Fear of women making me feel inferior because I am a minority - Fear of being treated unjustly - Fear of eating unhealthy foods - Fear of eating to much meat - Fear of not eating healthy enough - Fear of not making any progress - Fear of stagnation - Fear of feeling overwhelmed - Fear of not doing enough work - Fear of not having enough fun - Fear of missing out - Fear of not taking action to travel more - Fear of to much safety - Fear of specific people with names - Fear of being seen as to weak - Fear of not persevering - Fear of projection - Fear of being misunderstood - Fear of people liking me - Fear of abusing my power and control over others - Fear of having to much impact - Fear of correcting and critizing others - Fear of causing drama - Fear of drama causing people This is enough the day is not even over and I listed all of this what I feel and felt in general through out the day toady and the years before. How are these microfears related to my identity ? They make me feel identified with the particular pain that I feel and therefore create a body mind concept, meaning, thought, feeling and the sensation itself build the identity, it is constructed in that particular way and by witnessing it it is actively deconstrcuted as well as the debris of the deconstruction shows what has been constructed in the first place. So, how else are they related ? To my behaviour, to me perception of myself, to the people I attract and what I avoid and how I see myself. How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? They are shaped by fear in a way which makes me feel depressed, avoidant, angry, resentfull, bitter, hateful, arrogant, spiteful, complacent, justified, vulnerable, despondent, deeply in pain, tortured, and they shape these feelings, they generate a victim mentallity that wants to sustain itself and when noting it it even hurts sometimes. What am I unwilling to experience ? Pain, uncomfortablness, exctasy, bliss, dying, death, justified hatred, vulnerability, tears of release and joy and pain, emotional freedom. Note: I decided to split up my meditation sessions into two times 30 minutes one time mindfulness and the other time behaviour change meditation and try this structure now, to change behaviour.

I am going to get back to being a bit more oderly today I actually went to the gym three times in a row because I was back home, my arm is still not healed, so I am not sure what exercises to do now because I want to go to the gym today also, I will plan my week in advance I read in the productivity book yesterday, its not so much about my approach as I see it now or the tools that I use, yet the systems and behaviours I have in place this is the biggest insight I can take from the book, again the chapter about habits was crucial and the tiny habit approach is something I want to try out more often. Also having a list with activities that are detrimental to my systemic approach of creating a behaviour system which allows me to pursue higher ideals, goals, visions, aspirations, passions etc. Instead of succumbing to lower impulses such as video games, or browsing on the net, these are the only two things currently left that are obstructing my path of becoming a highly productiv person, and then its about results. So, hm.. I also want to have a clean enviroment a unclean enviroment basically plants me into a nihilistic hobo who just lives at home and eats and lives in his dirty nest, playing video games, eating food, and talking a walk once in a while. Its been sometime since I declined to that sort of level of behaviour, now that I feel more positive and happy, taking care of hormones is more crucial then the psychology books I read so far, although they build the basis of activities and reflection neccessary to know what is going on inside the body-mind. Now what else ? Gratitude Journal. I am thankful to see the sunshine today. I am thankful for going to the gym 3 times in a row. I am thankful that I am still keeping up with my intention to be disciplined. I am thankful for chatting with people I like and them taking me and my thoughts seriously I am thankful that I feel emotionally more open and that I can work on the emotional line through physical exercise ( Wilber ) Key Thingies: - Clean Enviroment - Plan the week - Bullet journal is an absolute cheat technique for getting phenomenal results in productivity and I am in the 7 percentile !! Working sometimes like i am in the up 70 - 90, for a maximum of 5 days. - Having a track record is important since people dislike breaking streaks. - Identity is key to fear, and I unearthed so many of them its difficult to find new ones not including higher tiers, there are some I have I presume but they are already attached to some idea of sprituality. - Have in your bullet journal some space to plan the daily tasks of your work day, yet have the structure of the week planned in advance. - Dont eat carrot cake when Joe Bidden becomes president. - Contemplate this weird mixture and insight I feel about america and the eu coming closer to their cultural roots.

Not much today to say besids I found out that the swaying back and forwards during meditation and loosing consciouness thing is a sign of high concentration. I meditated for 1h and the last 5 minutes I layed in bed and observed my mindfulness so 55 minutes of meditation technically, I am sort of bored of it now.. and a bit complacent I am not sure why. Yet, Id love to be in nature after seeing the video above. I love sound !

I thought a bit about time since I only have 3 and a half weeks left at the internship meanng this was the sixt week and it feels not good, since I did not accomplish much. I dislike that my enviroment affects me so severly and that I seem to notice it as so often a bit to late, yet potentially I am still in the perfect time plan, since I am going to do my bachelors with these scales too. So, I certainly noticed that I waste time at work tbh just to not be deperssed I feel my brain is becoming somehow slughish when working for such long times even when I take breaks, or eat and drink healthy, my diet is not the best yet, but pretty good. Otherwise I listend to the audiobook when I brought back my laptop today, and I also enjoy that the professor gets his lab for his research and passion growing, yet the person that I am talking with is again way to family oriented I like it very modern there, and may enjoy the dinner party invitation. Yet, that is it otherwise I say Hi and we do small talks or smth. I dont neccesarily need a community especially not tribe, family community in the sense as how it is exaggerated at blue. A lot of my "mono racial" friends from family value oriented cultures have a shadow and or are just interested and enjoy this more by conditioning, so I dont blame them, yet I am way to radical for them in my speech alone, and I am not friends with them anymore anyway. Its horrible to plan with these people. I asked two friends who are more scientifically oriented and they both said yes immediately almost. With others Id have to plan and oh look if xyz is not occuring etc. So, we could go camping what I like !! Yet, I dont quite understand how sitting at home doing nothing as usual with da fam, is better then planning a trip with your freaking family and become active. I dont get it. Otherwise I notice now more how fast time flies by especially when working and how long it takes to produce results, At the same time I am noticing more and more how long and how short an hour can be. Now, today I lost 3 times again almost my consciouness and I am a bit confused about practice I will read today in the productivity book, and I will make a short recapitulation. Of what I can recall from the Learning .. Audiobook. First meditation I lost my consciouness almost 2-3 times I dont know if I drop to deep, yet all my sense of self seems to vanish and I cant hold it its like I am being hit with a baseball bat, and I cant tell because it was of fatiuge or because I dropped deep. Otherwise the session today, was normal not a lot of rest, I am still not able to lable gone. And I definitely want to refelect upon post-retreat behaviour, I did not meditate to much, yet all of these old blockages definitely got stirred up and I had again a slight perception of the streamlindness of what is. So, that was good, yet this startegic approach certainly is tricky, one mistake and the whole plan does not work. 1h is fine its a good amount of pratice 1,30 would be very good I assume and 2h is excellent as a layman I presume. Otherwise, I cant afford a 10 day retreat , i mean I can yet it does not work out, I want to take part in the rohatzu and I am going to make a plan for that !!! So, I achieve some more do-nothing experience, I am not sure if I will go to a retreat on the october weekend. I will see about that. Now, in the learning audiobook the guy talks about his process of becoming and learning a chess master as well as a principles in chess. One thing that stuck with me is to praise the process never the result. Praise the hard work, for example if I do it I say I feel happy for you that you are working so hard on your goals. Oh wow look the hard work seems to pay off. I like the effort that you bring up when doing your homework. I enjoy the company of you. I really like the way you dressed when we want to the party. etc. Instead of oh wow an A thats a good grade ! Good that you cleaned your room. You look good today. Very good that you won the chess tournement that is all that counts. Mh.. I cant come up with more I can come up easily with more process oriented praise, since this is what I received besides in freaking school... So, anything else ? At one point the author mentioned he played chess in the slovakai, I am going to say it like that and he meet his girlfriend there and was inspired by all the self-exploration, yet his chess game suffered from his youthfull arrogance which made up his chess personality that gave him the most wins and around this section I stopped. Which made me thinking about myself when I was a very good student I used to be fascinated and loved to explore a variety of books about generalizd facts and knowledge I just read encyclopedias for kids and looked through my school books because I like biology and geology a lot. So, I will reflect a bit upon that especially the structure since I did not always do my homework and was still one of the best in class with 3-2 people better than me. I had basically everything I have now somehow, without meditation, books, food, since I think my grandma actually still cooked or my mom, till she decided oh fk my kid Ima watch TV. ???????????!!!!!????????????? So, I just accepted that and made myself mostly pizza, I ate at least pizza every second day and this was the time where my grades declined I received my own pc, I stopped doing sports, and played video games all day long. OMFG fking american fast food, mountain, gatorade, welches, poptarts all day long playing freaking halo 2 and 3. Good times, yet not very prolific I could have done it more strategically since I played a lot of video games before, on game cube for instance harry potter and stuff like this and super mario sunshine, yet that was somehow creepy I dont know why. I liked playing lord of the rings a lot and what else ???..... I dont know I think this is where pc games started to become more interesting which I played when I was very very little, like 3-4 years old playing Moorhuhn and Sims and Age of Empires and even diablo.

Gratitude Journal: I am thankful that people want to help me and are polite and let me explore in general I am thankful for the feelings I have after meditation I am thankful that I am meditating I am thankful for feeling gratitude I am thankful for having the strength of overcoming obstacels.

I am still very frustrated even though I somehow enjoy life more than ever, it I figure there are unconscious believes at play, which disrupt my higher self in a sense, still I struggle again with my structure its not that I dislike routine or dicipline anymore, I am not used to doing it over a long period of time of over a month etc. For instant eating according to my "own" nutritional plan. Going to the gym 5 times a week. Waking up on time each day even on the weekends. I was never like this, so its not as easy to change this and I am very weird with sleep I feel more awake with 6h of sleep then 7-8, yet I am way to tired in the morning and with 9-10h of sleep I feel the best in general. Yet, sleeping for so long is wasiting life time seriously, this is horrible. This is so odd feeling like I work the whole day only focusing on "things" I like that yes I do like, yet I never noticed how much of hedonic pleasure I indulge in with videos, and playing videos games. I really would like to go to a retreat for a month where I dont see any of this shit. I dislike doing all of these orderly oriented tasks, filling out formulars to send stuff back I ordered, even taking care of the vacation I won, etc. It would be more pleasant in my head if I had a car somehow, or if the infrastructure would be great. Yet, here is nothing. I am not very happy at the moment about how things are going, since I feel this latent lazyness of wanting to do nothing and sleeping. I dont think its depression or any of this, its more similar to not feeling in alignment of what I want, since I am not reading and or programming and just working, exercising, eating and playing some video games since I want a reward for all of this work, yet this has only been bad after the retreat befor that I did not do much video game playing. I dont know this monk still pisses me off till today.

So, this will be more of an accountability post I cleaned my room a bit and found now two friends who want to go with me to Prague two declined and or did not give me an answer, so I feel suprisingly a bit indifferent that I asked two people to come with me, yet deciding between the two is a bit odd. Eckhart Tolle has a new course on manifestation for free, potentially I eat the whole thing on the weekend. Now, I went to the gym I have my protein powder, I watched a documentary about testosteron even completely while cooking and cleaning up, so I leanred that testosteron can be measured by legit scientist by the length of the ring finger and this buzzfedd crap for instance is not bollux.. The great cursing variety. As well as some prenatal testosteron fluid is responsible for language differences in man and women, because women have less of it and therefore are better in the social and verbal domain. Looking at my ring finger I have less testosteron then other males even when I am quite tall etc. They also cleared some common sterotypical misconceptions such as, assertivness causes dominance, no cortisol in combination ( or without.. ) causes it, testosteron does not make people more anti-social, but can foster pro-social behaviour I even had an interaction in the gym today which showed this. For instance when a women is close to a group of men they well all act kind,benevolent and forthcoming, since "testosteron" which is even produced in the brain partially and some SH stuff is send balls to the wall. So, they act more prosocial in order to impress the girl or have a higher chance of reproduction of course all of this is complex, and the documentary was very very good. A lot of scientific material and they showed a few behaviour tests such as the famous one where they give people money and test there cooperativeness and when one shares instead of keeping the money they will both get half of it. Now, what else ? Testosteron is important for muscle growth yet I knew that, there is a cure for infertility in men and there is even a pill for men in a sense that obstructs the production of testosteron. Also, that boys because of the prenatal fluid thing have better analytical abilities as well as spatial ? I am not sure about spatial and I heard the opposite from the course from Babara Oakely, yet the documentary is new and was posted today, so I am not sure what has changed, was debunked etc. Hm... otherwise for old men there are cures for testosteron or rather treatment. Ill link the documentary I find it interesting how hormones drive humans, also that yes I remember people with higher testosteron won more often in a game, also the dominance personality trait is also conceived by oneself as how one perceives himself. So, identity plays a role and personality is how you see yourself, I like the way the researcher pointed that out.

@Matt8800 Thx a lot ! Yes, I can sometimes forget that things are relative Oh yes, I definitely feel this when I feel a strong feelings of impermanence ! So, no-self is a path that I am walking towards. Also, the book is great in case its about deities and in general to build a relationship with one the master I am training with (or his system) was ordained in a deity focused practice, so I can ask him also ! To see how different the Japanese Vajrayana tradition would be in comparrsion to a spirit from the occult. Thanks again a lot for the clarifications!

@Matt8800 Someone told me he saw tiny angels jumping on his body. I also know about the spirit releam from shamanism since the person I train with generally talks about mystecism and also does shamanic rituals, like a sweatlodge ceremony and other stuff, I never dived into it because there is no option for me so far that I know of here besides reading a book and trying. So, I know this is possible, yet I never heard about the occult.

@Matt8800 I am not sure what you mean I enjoy the unkown quite a bit, yet this is very new to me Id like to explore it in the future where I feel I could use it in general when I feel I am ready for it, there are still some very basic fears that are not of the unknown just fear of darkness like a kid it just scares me sometimes for a reason because of the weird shapes I see etc. Id have to mention this also most likely... yes I do fear evil. The intention alone is very frightening, of course facing it is brave and facing it with love is ultimately what I feel is appropriate. Also there is quite a bit of projection that I feel is projected upon me, I dont value things based fear or rate things based on fear I found it unbelivable that one person could do and did "such" evil rituals and that is why I compared him to Hitler in the first place, I said this more jokingly yet apparently that did not came across with the lol at the end. Yes, I do understand that one can forge either good or evil, depending on how the practice is used. As far as Ive read through the responses I can see what the occult is in reality about and that what I know about the occult has been distored and polluted, by the christian church. I know also know that Taoism can be contrasted with the Occult and Christians would and do demonize Taosim, and that there are similarities between Taoism and the Occult. Yes, as I said before I did not know anything about the occult and I was curious about the positive view because I saw the negative side of it. Now I see again what it is about. In case it came across as if Id generalized I do apoligize for that I did not mean to do that or to come across like that. I am very interested in biases in general, so I was not trying to confirm something that I believe rather the complete opposite. That is why I asked in the first place. Please dont misread my intentions. Well who can can lol. Id love to be that way yet that takes work and reading the right books etc. having concrete information and experiences that serve as a guide. If Id feel so loving as I felt for instance on LSD in a conscious setting while meditating as well as after some meditation sessions, I would have tried the stuff all on my own before asking most likely if I heard of it. I figure nothing will be dark since everything would be love, beauty, bliss and purity. Without all of the societal connotations of these words, more experiantially based. Not sure, I did shadow work for 2 years and been thrown into situations where the unknown overwhelmed me and I had to deal with that chaos, yet this is a whole new dimension. Crowly was for me just an interesting figure since I never heard any of this and he influenced even contempoary history with all of his deeds. I am not at a point, yet where Id not feel outraged about such acts. I know I am asking a lot of questions, yet could you recommend a specific book where I could read to practice this, so I can see for myself in the future ? I am not denying any of this and am rather intruiged by it as I saw other reports about positive spirits etc. Could they also appear normally in meditation through a normal practice ? Or is this rather unlikely ? Id like to dive into it because I was interested in shamanism and when I am done studying and all of that Id like to explore this topic a bit in reality.

I will make a short entry. I did not do much after the retreat for three days and I did not meditate for two days because I did not see any point in doing that. That is now the second time this has happend, I missed 3 sessions in the first two years and the third and now fourth year I missed now approx 32 days in total. One time I was so tired of it I just stopped and tested how my perceived consciounes would feel, or the mind. Now, I am back at the dorm and back at work going back home is the most dangerous thing I can do since I am very succeptible to my enviroment apparently and even when I feel conscious the subconscious forces force me to be a creature of habit. Now, I will go to the gym today, I did go for a run on monday so Ill get my workouts in, I am not going to study today and just clean my whole room and prepare some stuff and plan the week in advance, on the weekend I will go to the gym, read and study most of the time and meditate. I did meditate today, yet I am not tracking this as a habit since I am very consistent there, its rare to miss a day and rather annyoing that I am honest about it and mentioned it, since I would not like to miss one day let alone two, yet sometimes its fine to test it when I practice very actively I am not sure, if Ill go up to 1h30 min Ill stay with my hour for now and rather improve posture slowly, so I train my body now become lean and then stretch. Otherwise nothing new, besides the thing that I won the in the raffle, I won a vacation to Prague for two to three days. I asked a couple of friends I am not sure if I want to go Id rather would like to have won a car or money lol. Yet, this is also very nice. I learned now a bit more about rest because of the last life practice programm and realized that some parts of anica has a restful quality to it, like a second skin or armor.

Yes I saw the aghori sadhus they are kinda cool and its not as extreme as the stuff I described. Its what I heard for now so, I wanted to see a different perspective and see how close it aligns with "normal" spirituality. Yes, this is the crazy part where I feel from watching videos about spirtuality some stuff connects through what "legit" cults use, and practice horrific things. As far as I can recall he tried to create an anti-christ through breeding that involved performing rape and other abnormal stuff, which I described before, to create this anti-christ. There are some theories that suggest he created the monster of Lochness... I am not moving the occult into a brighter light am I lol ? Okay, I see I did not want to make any assumptions in case it came across somehow in that particular way. I saw what kind of practices they did and I saw this thread and read through it, and was curious to what the occult normally was, I just thought for instance it stems from alchemy and people gathering herbs. So, I equated it logically with shamans. Also, yes this is what is quite outragous that those crazy people sit in power. The whole Jeffery Epstein thing is way way way to unbelievable and the public goes on as usual, so this is also why I was so curious to what the occult is actually about and not some satanic bullcrap. Yes, it would rather be interesting if it would help to confront evil or help to elevate consciousnes, I did not have any notions around the occult, since I dont even know what the word means, I described it above what I thought about it before, I never knew something like this existed. Some order the Ordo Templi Orientis infiltrated the freemasons I am not sure if it was this order.. and they practiced this satanic stuff. I am just very curious because all of this cult type shit stems from Germany and I am also German, which is just ridiculous. Same here I never read any of this before I saw and heard about all of this stuff, its insane I did not even say most of it. I figure this means read for yourself or smth else. He makes Hitler almost look like an angel by comparrison... This is absolutely insane Id never thought someone would do that. Yes I heard some stuff what they do and its rather odd. This is why I dont quite understand these cults they are tricking vulnerable people and then do these weird things. Its horrific. I am often very scared of seeing spirits or something like that just because I see it as a possibility for instance when I sit and meditate when its dark and I see shadows moving etc. Id like to encounter a friendly spirit, yet the stuff that I saw definitely does not help lol. I follow the Channe 434 which talks about spirits and machine elves, so I saw also the positive side and this would seem very appealing, yet Id rather practice for now normal meditation etc. This is way to advanced for me and I am very scared to visit something dark, just because for instance Id mess up during practice. And sorry ! In case I messed up a few things that are wrong I looked some things up superficially in advanced and combined it from what I knew before, and I just know this from the weekend. Ill definitely follow this thread and look upon some books potentially in the future, yet Id rather first read what some crazy people did before, I dont know why this seems so interesting, yet its insane that people practice the very dark side of the occult. Thank you for your reply ! Some stuff you said with reptiians etc in this thread connects back to this breeding stuff I heard from Crowly, that is what I meant with fked up stuff, and some stuff connects back to normal spirituality and chakras etc also the reptilian thing. So, I dont know what is even possible in the occult and how much has been abused and polluted.

@Matt8800 Ive read through most of the posts here till now and I am quite curious what the occult is since I never heard of it in any significance besides the last couple of days. Id wanted to ask rather something personal first and then be a bit critical from what I heard and saw. 1. Is a Shaman and a Wicca the same ? How do they differ in their focus on pratice as well as are their similarities ? 2. Why does for instance the christian church or the vatican ban, or forbid the use of white or black magic ? Am I making assumptions here and they use it, for instance I would not understand that if you can talk to spirits which serve god for instance why you would not want to talk to them, or for instance is in ... Magnus Opus ... described from Crowley. How for instance the vatican or smth. similar some christian thing ... would use it ? 3. I had an experience after I had a kriya release where I became "clairaudient" , I am very sensitive to music and even genetically... even if I did not practice a lot in real life. Yet, I had lessons etc. Anyway, I heard my name so often and my surname which is quite common, yet my first name not, so I heard which is literally impossible, my first name in a couple of videos when I distanced myself from the audio and when I moved closer to the audio, at one point after the kriya experience and as I sat down to meditate to some binaureal beats I heard my name being screamed through the sound of the river to such an extend where I did not know is it my thought or the river screaming my name and in general picking up weird cadences and tones. 4. Why do people practice satanic rituals ? What is the occult about or what did their founding fathers do ? Are they from Atlantis... ??? How was the occult abused ? What are the original practice that are not satanic from what I saw till now, and literally saw. (On Video) 5. Could you name a example of a occult practice or link a video that shows for instance some of it, I am not sure from what I saw till now and Ill get to Crowly, to what extend an "occult" practice is just some technique that I could practice to talk to spirits or so, is lucid dreaming for instance smth. that is also practiced in the occult ? 6. What are demons ? How real are evil spirits ? Why do people want to summon them ? Is there a grand scheme of things ? More Critical questions. I try to also write down what I know so far about the Occult just from this weekend... 1. Why are there cults that practice the occult and woreship satan for instance what are they trying to achieve are there literaly people who are trying to create an anti-christ ? 2. Why did Crowly say he is the anti-christ ? 3. What is the Magnus Opum generally about `? I just saw snippets and I am not joking this shit scares the living hell out of me. 4. What do you say about cults or people that have rituals that involve the sexual abuse of children, drinking their blood, having anal sex with fecies or meditating under a phallus ? 5. What is the Moonchild thing actually about ? 6. Why is scientology involved in this did he open a portal to another dimension or what are they talking about ?... 7. Would you even think it is possible to summon demons and the anti-christ when moving into low vibrations and using meditation and spiritual techniques for pure evil ? 8. Why is all of this an open secret and nobody talks about that, and why are some highly ranked politicans also involved is this like well known or an open secret on the dark dark sides of the occult ? 9. How do the freemasons for instance historically been involved in this, I am half american so I dont know much about americas political history........ and I heard that theyve been infiltrated by a satanic cult. 10. What would you say about conspiracy theories, such as after Elron Hubert opened the gate...... to another dimension and suddenly a lot of Ufos where sighted ? Or conspiracy theories in general. I was never interested in this stuff, yet after this presentation ... I am quite done with all of that and I am not mentioning most of it. Thanks in advance in case you answer the questions or all of them ! I would feel very delighted about a reply, this stuff is hella confusing to me.

He does not own a car. He also went to University and by spiral dynamics or rather Ken Wilbers teaching alone he should be cognitvely Yellow, which you can see reflected in his words and thinking on the meta level etc. Id put Logic up there also, although I am not sure if he is just a slave to the entertainment system to a very very small degree.. , yet he connects some dots very well that I just started to realize. So, I dont know yet anyway. Most of them are very close to taking drugs and substances and sometimes you can listen to them, and know oh I had that insight also on LSD or I had that thought on weed etc. I would not neccesarily discard the "insights" that they write on paper and deliver.. to others. Of course most of them dont have a spiritual practice I know that Rick Rubin has a spiritual practice as well as Kendrick Lamar mediates 30 minutes from time to time or before recording and stuff. Green is the first stage which is able to think in systems. Which is implied in Integral Psychology ... but not Systems in System or System in Systems in Systems etc. Which is Yellow and Turqouise. I never heard anything like that someone talking about the interconnectedness of it all besides The Underachivers in some Green+- relative manner, since they done a lot of psychdelics and in general the whole east coast, beast coast scene thing, has a very rough psychdelic undertone in their music making etc.

More of the same symbolism.