ValiantSalvatore

True.

Living in America is still a dream coming true and truer for me. Also in a bigger city, the rural areas are trickyer, as they will have this german animalistic vibe. It really depends.

Feelings of inadequacy are also still a huge obstacle at times, I just would enjoy it to be in an office in America with more high spirited people, people here are very animalstic not as materalistic, it's a subtle difference. To go into the mall for pizza or to work all year for your vacation etc. It's odd. I do think I would enjoy non-northerners work culture more. Like in Italy, Spain etc. I am just a bit afraid of the nationalism etc. That can happen etc, and if I get enough money it does not matter as I can do retreats in nature etc. To recharge this is missing the most for projects.

It's also a huge motivator for a good high in artistic interest. I never noticed how strong...

Also more attractive girls, this city is not so good to much liberal degeneracy and poltical seperation, there is no unifcation of some level of moderate perceptions with more fair chances and earnest interests etc.

What my biggest insights recently are sort of is the issue of sexual energy and creation, the more sexual energy I generally have the more I go after creation, yet when I am consciously to some level engage in sex, even when I am not a very good energetic practicinor, I get some very good level of deconstructive construction in that sense, notion and biases of sex. Also a sense of self-love, yet that is also found in the austerity of sexual activity, all in all the internet culture and the excessive quality of porn that exists, I mean to be frank I have seen everything on the planet, and some stuff I do not want to see twice, and the level of porn that you can get for free. Like you can be a bit more specific, yet that is just a bit to much imo. What I don't find easy is simply this, to have a deep life purpose and spiritual connection when so much flesh and money is made easy nowadays, the gap between rich & poor is also only increasing as many also don't take chances within the tech industry, as this is the most growing sector, there will be new machinery to replace humans now for eons, and knowledge will be the primary source of wealth in a field. Knowledge and art, and science. Otherwise I dunno I just find it odd. Right now it's just also insane how many girls crave materalistic pleasure to be beautiful while it's mostly from inside, that is why artsy girls generally have this strong vibe of inner radiance in contrast to material chasing merit whippers . I don't know what to exactly point to, yeah there is some emptiness very deep when I don't chase it consciously etc. If I do my work decently well I will have fantastic connections with an already fantastic company. What bothers me a bit here, is how on average weak men are here when it comes to practicing sex as a highly conscious thing and not ejaculate and stuff like this more it feels more like sex chasing and not becoming a social god so to speak, who could have a positive influence to society, it's at times to goal directed, to meet needs that are not that high generally speaking. Just very basic and bothering, especially how people enjoy it let alone a deep meditation and or yoga practice makes sex most likely another issue as it's so enjoyable you can make it a practice for awakening. Uhm otherwise, I hope soon the switch comes the biggest setbacks are the social sphere feedback and how much this sort of outstrips (=?=?) myself, so I feel I can conquer everything etc. Having very good social connections in the tech field is the best thing that can happen for me. Till now it's okay. There is a deep part of me that yearns for beauty and nature. I dunno with all the technological advancement which city in the U.S could be first to implement it will it be Vegas? San Fransico? New York? I'd definitely would like to live in a city with more tech people.

Back from my little post hiatus, I will hopefully settle all of the stuff today regarding my uni account etc. The LSD stuff will arrive also, and I have some work to-do as we meet up tomorrow, and I have to dive into the technologies of stuff LLM's, it's odd beign consistently ahead of the curve and not, so to speak. Many who would downtalk such stuff have never even done it. It's cool to make sci-fi a reality also.

Self-Help bullshit is also ANNOYING HOLY CRAP JUST BULLET POINT EVERYTHING AND SHUT UP I DUNNO

Girl also suggested Sunday and TADA SHE IS TURKISH RANDOM????????????????????? 3 turkish girl now I am dating, I also finally understood the kurdish and marxist vibe, and the dark feminity aspect of it

I dunno at times, I'd like to move to a place where there are more developers, the developers that I've meet all have similar interest and could be interested in psychdelics.... Yeah, right now I am so bored fundamentally, I thought about writting this weird dealer who added me on WhatsApp to get some cannabis, yet I did not do it. I might play some baldurs gate and stream a bit, yet that is all that I am going to do, for self-entertainment, right now I sort of feel the issue of how much depth of awareness has gotten lost, and it's like the universe sends me the payback of the undeveloped future in the present. It's odd, as usually I would've encoded these patterns. I wrote to a muslim guy living in egypt, he told me his business plans for the country which I thought was interesting, yet it's often just some conquerer/warrior story, it's interesting mostly by the idea. I think he noticed also, yet I feel a bit burned listening to a lot of suffering ever since my friends father died and my grandma, it was a bit to much like it really tore me apart the level of pain and numbness at the sametime. I just don't really know what to do with my free time, as a lot of ambition is lost even in gaming, the level of stress leadership errects in my nervous system, I can't handle it as much anymore. It's to much "thoughness" and not enough self-efficiency not autonomey, yet just self-efficiency so autonomie happens more automatically in a holistic fashion that is sort of emerging as a general trend. But, so far. I dunno I'd rather cuddle on the couch with a girl and play xbox or smth, and just chill atm. I am just not very much in the mood to create, and I dunno what my gift to the world is anymore as I lost a lot of physical capabillity, and it's an issue when I meet black people etc. Due to an extrem level of health marketing, and it's a bit of an annoyance, yet they are generally more supportive and loving when someone is injured, "they" and/but/yet; again I dunno simply as to spirituality I can comfortably do a 53 min practice for like months now? It's odd bringing back effortlessness while many are just lusting/passionately and or with hate (especially in e-sports), when I saw the philipinesse now USA playing chess player Weslo So talking about how he visualized a lot and played a whole tournament and had this spacious wolf vision vibe, I was just convinced that creativity can win, yet it's a subtle thread, and it creates a lot of peace, rest and creation. I hope the software world will do more good than the material warfare world, I watched almost all of it now. LSD will arrive on Monday, I could work on smaller scale A.I projects with the coding books, and upload parts of them. Uhm.... yeah right now it's just also I would've loved going for food. My life has become so weird, as I am ahead of the curve by a lot, and most people are vastly asleep and I also fuck up, it's odd. There is a new field emerging I am not mentioning and if you paid attention, I already mentioned it, but right now I would care to life more like Lex, and just have an extremely abundant and rich social life, with hobbies and psychedelic interest and some serious money and access to girls and parties for fun. I dunno. As due to the injury I can't do stuff that I deemed more fun and make seriously a lot of friends, and the gaming community I don't have that much friends anymore as some are just very toxic like 95% of the community I'd say is toxic and maintainin any of it I dunno. Also there is no real game out right now the game I was playing to enjoy beauty more. A guy triggered me with his stupidity generally all games I've played today either my or the others stupdity triggered me due to the power abuse spectrum of I don't know, but you have to know non-engineers. It's like, the more deeply you can emobdy a zen -> alien (?) -> god alien zen vibe I dunno.

I just dunno what to do I could eventually get my hands directly on some software architecture things, yet that will take a few bouts of depth of meditation to work and gain these skills, I am just unsure what to do in the meantime, I thought about ordering some food or eating out with friends, yet at times it's boring when I am not working on a project. --- My current career personal project is more finding back to spiritual depth, and being more chill about life. The morning workouts are very good, I don't also go for gains that hard. This is interesting:

Depth of Awareness I find is very deeply robbed by the unconsciouness of computer games. I find it odd to witness this, also competitivness robs one of the depth of awareness present. Same for processing information and generating solutions, of course stuff can be dramatic, yet stuff just flows a bit more automatically and others make these associations to and claim and call it memory or whatever, it's dependt some like when I see Sadghuru or Deepak Chopra seem to come from a more conscious conception of memory and not this rational standard of reguritating pain. Of course it can be painful, especially if you remember a lot. Anyhow, I am wondering where to put my spirit in, I would like to work in America it's the software engineering country Nr.1 besides most likely India and China and I would not want to live in these places, besides maybe China. India I have never been to, and the negative side of it and the amount of brutal deception and not subtle is very toxic.

53 minutes of meditation, before it get's to deep, I already sweet and smell like fking cannabis, I don't know why this is so heavy after meditation or if this is some physio-local stuff, due to having smoking cannabis etc. Even during my exercises and I went running today I don't smell like this. Loco-Physicolon -> Progress Turned Holon ?, don't call me a rapper. Noticed the heavy abundance paradigm, in the expansion nature when I focused only on expansion & contraction flow~ Very psycho-dynamic meditation, like I said I smell like fking cannabis and I don't know why, even exercise does not do it that intensively I am grateful for feeling a very strong connection to the upside of "black culture contemporary hip-hop, psycho-rap etc" and spiritual connection (odd, but okay) I am thankful for feeling my playful side I am grateful for me two boses both beign empathic and intutive engineers I am grateful for empathic and intuitive humans I am grateful for the arabic and turkish connection, yet I would intentionally appreciate getting away from the hatred and anti-love stances within those groups and connections I am grateful seeing more black folk in the gym in the morning was kinda weird, but okay

https://homepracticeprogram.com/2023-october Hopefully I can do this.

Surprised like how he tied this to the spiritual stuff, and this was more of the connection I was looking for Leo makes it sound so extrem at times, as it must also be one of his core drives, yet the ridiculing of it, from others and from him of spirituality can at times be a huge issue for him imo. It can get to someone, especially if they use consciously the TIER 2&3 drives of stage orange to go after spirituality, then letting go of that etc. Also there is a subtle point of "fathers going crazy in the love of jesus" when they are bound to only a christian faith, without an integral community or a fortunate TIER2 or high TIER1 spiritual community of christian most likely protestan even... you can clearly see that he must've had some spiritually deep experiences, and how far-off to western minds the eastern philosophies of a living reality is as a living reality of meaning etc. Especially family austerity when I see it for example, easternes lead the kids mostly in a more ethical, yet freedom oriented way like good westerners combine this. It's interesting, as I see my friend might fall into this trap, as he found the spiritual connection learning and now it's business money & status like a regress from Green to orange.

Watching this

Feeling weird. I dunno how to overcome the feelings of past guilt at times, besides with daily meditation the deeper and older the pattern the more pain, depressive thoughts and death wishes in any kind are created. I don't know at times, why or how. But for now it's just weird I don't enjoy the feeling of chasing and the feeling of striving is currently not so much there. I wish at times I had more support from my father mostly as he'd be more loving with supporting my hobbies. I don't know, what I can listen to currently in terms of just having more depth of awareness. The depth of awareness is also a point, where I am unsure. Maybe I am wrong and I Just don't know. The issue of depth of awareness in competition/creation to experience freedom. Long hours to solve problems. I dunno. I just know I would love to do something where I feel a bit more flow. Otherwise, well I dunno, I'd be more interested in. I don't have the same turn of interest and the pain of anger and frustration can get to me. Even the most patient and loving person I've meet succumb to anger at times. I wonder how different my life would be. Yet all in all I really long to be back at the point where I felt conscious awareness and loving energy around my hands, especially when I meditated so much love/consciousness as subtle energy was there. It was like an aura just not like you'd describe it in this new age b.s, just mostly that energy of feeling sounded my hands, when I meditated for 1h and I felt like I had a little blessing? But right now it's mostly just having the disciplne to get back to this if it's on I am on point with stuff. Till I clean my Appartement and stuff and engage the world, penetrating the world is the biggest guilt trip as I've been gaslit for years in this area by my family and friends family and friend friends family etc. You won't change the world bla bla all of this talk. I am sleeping anyhow...

I wish at times I could solve the issue of human emotions more, yet ever since I was injured there is a subtle stress to my nervous system that is new, that even in a video game I can't push myself, I know consciouness does not relate to this, yet this stress is hindering consciouness development, as for me this was all mostly interesting to experience consciouness, yet very negative sensations hinder deep consciouness if you don't have that level of depth trained normally, and it's odd. Anyhow.... there is a serious lack of passion, that is somehow only stilled by very very deep restful states. When things turn to much of a problem I shut off. The LSD stuff will arrive, I would like to move to a region where more conscious people are, where they on average just practice more etc. I dunno I don't find it easy to keep going under the strong motivator for many of the materalistic paradigm, I don't have these strong inclinations anymore, for many it's their god unadmittingly and admittingly. I dunno I am having some issues with the university login, so I dunno what is happening and they are all sick apparently or on vacation.... it's a bit annoying, yet I hope I can find my login etc. I dunno just doing all of these order things etc. I don't know if I snap and kill myself. I don't enjoy life in a totally ordered fashion. It reminds me of the ladder towards materalism etc. It would be more enjoyable with proper more modern facillity this reminds me emotionally to much of my old house that we sold. I dunno. Don't know how to work on things and the issue of the detail etc. I dunno at one level I would love if I could get to some point where existence is not this computer science I am thin and normal type of b.s I don't enjoy it at times. I dunno, to see cities that are also that uninspiring by infastructure.... I dunno.... I would love to see the emptiness of space physically more.... Not sure how to describe all of this. Also to make some things clear, I dunno why the new post seems ranty/venti. The I hate you comment was funny, that is generally the level of b.s you get in europe at a somewhat normal & non-toxic/toxic level. America is for me a naive child of a country still. Arrogant horses standing to high at times. I dunno. I don't know how to enjoy normal life anymore, when I see all of the organisational effort, I barely find a girl that is thankful for this, so many girls take this for granted and I don't have as many guy friends, as they simply say thank you more often, then taking leading for granted in a sense etc. I dunno what to feel anymore. I barely enjoy any intellectual discussion, besides Huberman Lab, Fridman at times, and Huberman Lab I dunno just listening to him calms me etc.and I enjoy the relationships he has with other scientist. Anyhow the issue is stuff is so repeitive I need a 8mill city or smth. I have no fking idea otherwise.

I also dunno how it is for people in America for example when they are in their young 20's what ppl even acquire I dunno, it was not easy to find deep joy in creation as I never received love as a supportive emotion as well as masculine compassion, just improvement bitchyness besides from my grandma a little, I dunno it's odd. I am drinking also my first beer. I will stick a bit closer to the new friend also, and re-listen to Deida often I just don't know how else to integrate these messages, I would've enjoyed it more beign a bit closer and the tech scene here is perfectly fine, I coud live here and move to DD or Essen, I don't enjoy this city. It's to "rural" and company also offers bigger cities to move to in Sweden, Switzerland etc. So I could eventually move there etc, especially Sweden and Switzerland would work, as their english I bet on average is extremely high and I speak German, so there are less issues. Leo is also correct with the lazyness of people, it's odd realizing this. Most don't have passion and I noticed passion is more tied to lust, yet on average I experiene different emotions like joy more than passion in that sense.... so it's not easy as I think joy is higher than passion, as an emotion if you can streamline the emotion forever, yet that is just me.

I also don't really know the world for people who fully grew up with a father or a heavily more male dominated interest, like owning a car and such. I saw one car today I would purchase as I found it manly, practical and interesting technologically, just as a way of procedual advancement and "avant-garde" without beign to toxic and beign sexy as a car. I did not take a picture I presume it would cost 70k, it's odd contemplating stuff like this. As you see many classical cars where it just screams "did not plan just bought" it's odd sometimes. I dunno would be intersting to go clubbing in a more male dominated area, like new york by type of energy etc. Anyhow it's weird as I had every opportunity, yet was more interested in fundamnetal changes of living etc. I dunno, I also will have new contact etc. It all depends what skills I can acquire etc. Right now it's just weird to experience all of this. As I still even when it comes to video games, chess, sports etc. A deep fear of skill gaining due to absolute deconstruction in that way and having a fatal injury or whatever some level of fear holds me back from really going balls to the well. Could simply also be social shame and guilt.

Also both of my current more availabel friends are intersted in musical instruments and one guy even Dj'ed. Also, finally they prepped the stuff.

I feel better in a cooperate structure, where some of my ideas have been tested by inventive folk who moved on, to the next higher invention of ideas etc. As they might just got themselves that technical know-how, that LEVEL OF DEPTH; IS WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR VERY VERY DEEP DOWN. There are a couple of things I would love to improve as a human: Hand-eye coordination for video games Abillity to see colors IQ -> I would love to see how it feels to have an IQ at 160+ high hand-eye coordination Abillity to process information Creating states of higher emotions & acting from pure consciouness All in all I miss these improving aspects, reading just massively improves memory, yet it's counter-intutive to test taker type of people who don't problem solve, I learned to problem solve as I had to do stuff from scratch, that is like the main difference betwen "learning a system from a-z" and conquering the jungle from W to A. So I dunno at times. BRUH I NEED A GUITAR I WOULD PLAY RIGHT-NOW FOR 1h or 2 that would already be cool, and if I am stupid I do a 3-4h session I dunno. All of this is incrweased byw the wusical winstrument. Would also be fun, as a side-hobby besides coding etc. Chess is currently to dry... it has become more fun with engine analyse as you intuit the higher thing, yet I sometimes also find it lame etc. Yet this was the most fun part definitely. Anyhow right now it's just odd, to sort of get of the idea of the grind, and apprecating life as pure experience of consciouness, and giving your deepst gift, which is present of depth awareness no matter what your strength are that present of depth of awareness is the gift that gushes through ones strength and even weaknesses, to have present of depth in a weakness is strenght hidding in weakness. Like the principles out of daoism etc. Anyhow. That is it for now.

I lost a bit of the joy of working on personal projects as it's so much technical stuff you can get into even coding the pet projects out of books etc. By far has been the most enjoyable as it's offline without any pressure even like an online-course to put it into your resume etc. So I dunno you loose a lot of free time working on personal projects. Many don't do it at all, and it's also very competitive in the tech world. I dunno when I trust my deep intuition, and connect more to the feeling of life, I would be willing to learn more of the fundamentals, yet so far so good. What triggers me is not creating certainty anymore, as if been gaslit through video gaming and shamed in that aspect I feel it deep at the core/heart level, as it can be a practice area, yet people get so angry they would notice when you truely honed it and when you faked it, almost no matter what the issue is. So I dunno deep down it's like. If I sit down and meditate now for 1h and hone my skills, instead of 30 minutes I know I am truely fking happy, as I honed at the things I am deeply yearning to integrate at one level, the point of "reaching perfection" is the issue, perfection just happens. It's very odd to describe and can be practice, yet it's always an ideal. Right now I feel as though, my boss as a very good impression and sort of sees, why I am angry at times, and I am thankful for his genuient side, he keeps making references to video games like far cry 6 or so and is 50 years old etc. As it's an action movie/game like an adventure and can be enjoyable thing to do while you're with your girlfriend etc. My best friend does this also, and having fantasy stuff is just the killer of depth & fun mostly, as it's also a very good point etc. I do have a very good gut feeling with the girl the issue is she works to much (?) and trains he skill in that area, i can't use my body that well, yet mind has to be a priority & spirit. I can still use my body very well, just not at the western strength concept anymore. More physical yogic type of thing. Anyhow I feel a very deep trigger in me, and I buy some beer today, to extinguish some level of lust. Just honing stuff without letting loose is insane imo, and exercise killed that lust at that level. Tomorrow is gym day, but 1-2 beer won't kill stuff. My biggest fear is creating certainties in life, due to cultural fear based influences like this and father beign not there that much. So, it's odd. I miss the depth creating part of like good dark masculine work ethic... I dunno how to describe and just getting into fear. I also dunno the music of techno helps me to get deeply in touch with fear in me and terror I've held and use it more consciously, the point is doing all of this without music, as it happens then more naturally with meditation. I am a bit pissy that the LSD stuff did not arrive and the feeling of beign impatient is also an issue. Anyhow, right now it's odd. Very odd, I would really like to speak to some highly well-rounded men about certain topics, especially the topic of self-entertainment money and consciouness. Especially if they practice meditation and go on retreats, the more average pragmatic folk I am not as interested, as I know the answer etc. Also many men seek more social fun, so I dunno. It's an odd balance to contemplate.