ValiantSalvatore

I would do so much, yet I am injured I can't do much I am very sporty. It's just not possible anymore and this causes massive depression at times (now not so much because I can do some of it) I can't do stuff I dreamed of and this has been a pattern in my life that is very hostile. I might be able to do kundalin yoga next semester that seems a good thing to do. I would do so many activites like: Judo Soccer Calisthetnics Basketball (even) Swimming Running Gym Watersports etc. I can practically only do swimming and I have a friend for this, yet he had an operation so he won't go swimming and I prefer the gym. The philosophy idea is great! I might check that out and see if I can coincide this with the meditation classes etc. There are new ideas I practically have billions of them I feel stiffled at times. These re-orientations take a lot of time and I notice healing is becoming a larger part of my life thanks to childhood trauma and narcissism. I am just annoyed at the ignorance of liberal politics being overly focused on feminism and disparaging healty male identies and role models it's odd to describe. Ethnicity is way better of a term that gives leeway into so many topics without moral judgement. It's just not a good thing to say "Volk" in German rings the wrong bells mostly... there are a lot of moral implications when I think in German it's not easy to walk this road etc. I need real life interaction facebook is a horror as this is the space where I could meet my american family and there are issues around this even by law it could cause me trouble. So I refrain from it especially when sutff becomes more digital. I don't really care about where someone is from I grew up in such diverse groups. I could check-out the group that is true! I have a new phone on my old phone instagram usage was close to impossible and mine is so filtered it's very inspiring. Thank you for the reminder!! This would definitely help for venting, although I would feel more at home in America as it's more part of the social discourse and not placed into this class type thinking which is very rigid imo. It takes a lot of time I notice to set things up. If I setup my instagram account, I will check-out the side. I also can connect way better to American society and black people in that way, I am just visually more motivated etc. etc. There is some biology I bet to this, when I see black successful men im contrast to some "random white" guy having success. Like it gives me a huge motivational boost I noticed in the gym etc. Seeing photos of black athletes inspired me more than seeing someone white, although I immediately contemplate and meditate about this notion. It's just I don't find honesty in the power of "homogenous" groups and i've practically never been in one. So yeah I want to move to a more diverse city like New York etc. I lived in London and it was not diverse enough imo. America is a country of migrants so there is more of an implicit notion I feel I just don't like living in Europe all to much if it would not be for festivals and events even if I attend none ironically. It's more of a financial struggle and survival issues, where I just was meet with unfortunate circumstances. I do the best despite all efforts failure does happen and it's normal...

There are a lot of offers that provide consciouness work, yet I could not take it because of financial struggles and focus on very very needed practical things like a washing machine a new phone etc. With this new schedule I am going to find more suitable beigns to hang-out with, it just stands in contraposition to my life purpose, at times and the goals I've set this year. It sucks to be injured as I could have higher quality and healthier relationships, now it's like magically very broken people feel attracted to me, when I feel vulnerable and practically am healing myself with positive, energy, self-acceptance etc. I agree I found at least one person, yet I do have to attend some meet-ups and events in order to find quality friends at best also in courses. This is something I can tackle first next semester and then attend more casual events. Although I find it not easy to strike up conversations even though I do randomly at times, as I can be overly empathic and this stuff can get very much under my skin. With less injuries I would crave and feel more control, yet I don't know how to deal with this stuff yet I have plans I am waiting till the financial support of the state arrives, otherwise I can't heal some serious trauma. I frankly don't know what quality is anymore. I am just looking for an enjoyable experience. I just don't know if I should attend class, I made some friends right at the beginning, I never felt mentally so instable, and this is very often so if I can't exercise and move my body and it's an organisational nightmare currently, because of the financial situation I feel so paralyzed at times, then other stuff where I want to move countries as I was accused of stealing and don't have good experience working in Germany small jobs etc. So I am looking for something highly strategic and I need skill etc. It feels nice to be popular etc. I can keep in mind that little is lost, although it's still not easy mentally to see so many others easily join and socialize as they have the same experience and are very homogenous groups. It feels very isolating and I see the whole spectrum of majority priviledge etc. and quite frankly it sucks.

@Epikur It's a masters degree lol. At almost an German Ivy leauge university. I already have a bachelors degree. I don't talk with others during class about stuff, I focus on studies, yet as I was in a more interdisciplinary field, the field narrowed down to a more narrow interdisciplinary field, completely eliminating design etc. It was my choice and basically a dream come true, there are so many options to ask questions and get understanding about technical stuff, I just am in fear of beign ridiculed because of gaslighting experiences, and often afterwards people asking me about IQ and such, so I feel hampered even starting to study. I practically do the same, yet to give a paradigm how it feels to walk with HSP(highly sensetive) and VGP(volitional generated piloerection there are 4 papers of this condition) and physical nerve impigments, because of a tumour that was removed at birth at my hip. I am leaving classes as they are pointless in the middle of the lecture, as I can't study in the enviroment if they talk to much, it's like they can't adjust and pest the room with toxic energy at times and I just have to leave, I usually feel stronger, yet this diagnosis with athrosis is just to much at one point. People compliment me all live about health and look at me as the pinnacle of fitness, while I knew since birth this is a huge hoax, and has a superwide-spread moral implications, especially considering history, and the classes I am taking even. With genetic algorithms and such. I feel so much guilt asking very simple questions and I then can guilt trip myself because I get into this spiral of trauma because of narccicism within my family and now I see the hardcore social spectrum and I just get unconsciously triggered. It does not leave a very good picture, neither can I care to much about it. I feel more happy beign rebelling naturally it's I panic and I prefer the online-lectures, if I had a better physical health condition I could easily do game and just would go with the crazyness as I am so used to this type of phenomena of projection and did years of more "shallow" shadow work, yet I notice the deeper ends of trauma associated very closely to my life purpose. I question if lectures are even worth it in person it's basically as we just discuss our homework, and I had so many organsiational issues, I had to work from my phone was unsure what to do. Received a subway ticket late etc. etc. Like conditions where I don't have that much influence and say in, as far as I can recall. I was so suprised that they took me, I just basically saw this as more "higher intuition and went" as they had the perfect legit perfect lectures of interests and all of the professor are super-fine in a sense. It's just some narcisitc behaviour and low spiral development that is very triggering. Most of the stage orange people don't even show up. Also from reading a couple of books about what are the most effective approachs to become a straight a-student, I notice some strategies are not working out for me in terms of attending classes. Sometimes I just notice not going there and studying on my own gives me more time and preperation to understand and learn the material more deeply. In class I can ask questions, yet I am bothered as I there are other like organisational issues, for example I have to do maths2 next semester and there are a lot of mathematical concepts, so people get angry at times mostly immature younger students who are insecure and I am this "super masculine" guy in their "mamalian brian" and I get a shit ton of emotional snipping that I just feel with HSP, like I don't do this on purpose. It's just they are such a huge distraction at times. I don't know what is better beign there feeling gaslit. Also even online women give me huge looks and guys even send me compliments at times (I study at home with camera on in a gamfied way that worked the best so far), it's so annoying to be framed in this sexual way, I sometimes feel at one point I should just let my d*ck hang on someones shoulder to let them know at one point I will really do it if this does not stop. Also I can't masturbate for hours like I don't have time for that and dating did not work out all to well, I just want to get the operation done and be more stable mentally. People also told me I have a dark and very stringent energy, that I usually get rid of with very intense exercises that I can't do anymore like hardcore sprints and HIT movements and calisthentic type stuff. I can do a little and I do a little. I said so much toxic sutff openly as I question their sanity at times and the impost syndrom and feelings are also quiet real, I've never witnessed how insane that is, there are also uni politics with shooting rampages and I saw security for the first-time because there was a message writtin that it will happen. This was even on some newspaper. I for example as (american military kid) said I wish I had an M-16 open in class nobody said anything I thought this is surreal. A guy legit cat-called me because my "butt" is larger then 99.9% of the women that I see outside of the gym. I did not believe my eyes. Like cmon I can't be that handsome even online like it's such a delusion I appreciate it truely, yet it's such a delusion also, and then the reverse "race perception of ugly" omfg. I stare people back into their eyes just to let them know I just saw what you saw. For me these ideas are so normalized I have to laugh, as I was greeted with M-16 since I was 4 or so, I sometimes can't believe how naive people are, yet this somehow causes also less terror ironically, when there is freedom of expresion... Especially as self-studies with occasional check-ins work the best with mentors and peers who are more serious, because I am practically beign gaslit in class, Leo you have to sort of imgaine how toxic this really is as there are no other black people the darker they are the sooner they are out of the classes, because of this *lusting* type of behaviour and projections, they are all gone. Europe is deeply very deeply biased and just looks to America and then I get American projections like I am Andrew Tate and then I either own it etc. Then I am to femnisits (looking type women) start hissing towards me and act oddly in terms of body language a lot of white men don't get that at all. I had to adjust also for lecturs and buy stuff, I still don't own a tablet and I keep meta-thinking about improvments it's so obsessive at times, I don't know how to stop it. As this is the only way I can legit survive at times, so I ask a a lot of questions around this. I just don't really find a serious person who keeps me accountable and can deal with the intense emotions I have. I don't have any mental conditions and I get a lot of projectins in terms of borderline/adhd where others have similar symptoms and just project out of fear. A lot of these "dovetail" also with giftedness, so yeah it's hell at times. Sorry for digressing and writting so much I wonder at times how others can't notice humans unconsciouness so much. It's like they smell weak and attack like in the book from the booklist from your's our inner ape. It's incredible how primitive humans can be when I contemplate group dynamics and mating behaviour like omg. I am happy game has more class in a sense. I also need it and I crave it mostly also in an intellectual way, when I feel more of my primal needs for example considering maslow. I certainly did not figure out human psychology as it's evolving all the time, I just know a good deal about it I know they have radically different needs, yet I don't get mine met. This is a serious issue, I am not some fluffy little thing that strongly coheres to the social norms of a group. I am mostly stastically indpendent if I'd speak more mathematically. I enjoy socializing a lot mostly in silence though and more in a mentor type of relationship as well as very highly highly open diverse groups. So I also find more success in international enviroments, I don't know why I am just used to meeting a lot of different cultures. I also meet so many diverse groups of people I sometimes just get bored unconsciously and don't even interact. I like to get to know people especially through media and games, and I still crave social relationships, yet I can't do all to much. I am certainly not integrating the desire of love&connection&belonging regularly in a non-digital way, that I certainly need. Even bi-weekly etc. I just don't somehow find that. There are more social opportunities then I noticed, so I cut ties now even with my mother which hurts me a lot, as I worked a lot on that relationship as 2 very important beigns... died in my life in the last two years, and I am not very much over it. It just hits me at times and I have to basically cry at the beauty of it. I've never been so emotionally open and rigied at the sametime, it's odd people notice so much. It's at times not fun I give me best beign my own cheerleader and even for others, as I enjoy inspiring others as this is part of my life purpose. I waste a lot of time not finding connections it the biggest issues I have even going thorugh health books have the most issues with love & relationships, as I am a super-social and super-introverted creature I have no idea how to meet these needs, if I can't use my body that fast. I get that others have it I just don't know how to meet mine at times, I've become so dominant it scares me I just talk and talk and talk. Because it hurts as an empath to listen to so much suffering like people just connect to me with their issues, can we not talk about something more neutral or in the present moment? It seems quiet difficult for people to talk in the present and they just mostly complain and frame me as the negative one, I am so happy alone at times. I laugh at needing others, yet I need others it's not easy. I just don't know how to deal with this should I date now again? Focus on my studies? Studies has priority then I need interactions with others which is rarely nowadays a part where I listen. There is so much other stuff. i can be an excellent listener, I just stopped because people keep associating then with the "negative role" somehow of me and not the positive one. I like upliftment etc more... sorry for writting such complex stuff. Most people also act like such adults, and I am very open about insecurities etc. It's so strange to them it's obnoxious and they attack and I think like well I could go to American and earn a couple of millions there we have it and it's silent... it's so odd....

@How to be wise This has nothing to-do with basic happiness this is more mental health and stabillity. I am quiet happy without these people surrounding me. Happiness will never be achieved as long as I have an ego. That is impossible, there are way higher emotional states as "simple" happiness. "Acceptance" does not help me. Accepting abusive behaviour is the definition of dysfunction 100%, I am not dealing with narccistics, I take so much responsibillity already, it's not easy at times, to be an "empathc" and have these types of humans relate to you. I've read all books on happiness on Leo's booklist and integrate advice from these. I don't think Byron Katie, can help thanks for the advice. Survival is very very real.

Yes, this is true, although race is a social invention even technical if it's account for that 99.9% of human genom is identical as far as I know and even between species there exists a larger variation in genom expression as between two individuals of different as far as I know. The system of academia is fine, it's mostly students and individuals ironically it's not the professor it's more the culture of the students that does not suit me and would give me a to strong liberal vibe. It's a social construct. Most don't realize that and enforce this identity also, of course you can research the 0.01% of differences. I never met a system that suited me tbh, the more chaotic it is usually the more I feel at home, when it's very structured and ordered it's fine as long as there is no strict punishment and reward incentive. The in-depth conversation is mostly over their head, and not many are interested in spiral dynamics/psychdelics/meditation. I've attempted before I lost all friends not a single one remains. It's just interest in technical minuta, which is not wrong, yet very rigid and slow& most likely does not even get the work done... I often feel gaslit around the topic of compassion as I feel helpless at times and I prefer asking for help and not beign helped because I am seen as a minority, when I basically have a double citizenship from America&Germany, which makes this idea so cognitive dissonant to me. That I often start to dominate. I often feel like I have to shuff my d*ck down their throat to express myself a bit violently, so they realize I don't and I can't perceive them as higher as me, just based on how most people even perceive the "hierachy" of countries and origin of birth. I've found this laughable, although this social ranking is quiet real. This is also observable in animals. Imagine I meditate and erase thoughts and ideas that include race/nation, yet spiral dynamics for sure is a spiral upwards and downwards, I feel like I am being taken for granted and I can't relate to American culture as there are no Americans here, and I feel a larger "full picture" feeling when considering issues and problems that stem from America and not specifically Germany, I hate most Germans quiet frankly because of how "discriminatory" their public&private discourse can be and I've witnessed this first-hand. I am more happy with superficial relationships and brief and small very superficial interactions as most can't fathom the depth anymore some can, and I can intutively spot it although most then resits getting to know mentioned topics above, so I am stuck at the "fun house". What are we doing where are we going? I just feel a lot and especially lower stages of development of minorities projecting their issues onto "black alone solo individuals" while a white guy when he is alone will be completely left alone, there is 0 awareness about collective projections and issues. Making social cohesion very difficult. I did I became majorly depressed and I feel heavily gaslit, I also find it difficult to relate because of eurocentric classism and the steady references to occupation/abillity/skill there is no proper small talk, I swear I would even talk about the weather. After doing PD for like 7 years now I have a lot of influence and I know how to get what I want mostly, of course there are failures and feedback. It's the mental health and physical health that is suffering and also a lot of self-sabotage. I general keep of people who are overly toxic and instantly give me a bad vibe. If I join them I feel like I loose close to 99.9% of my integrity some are okay, it's more like we both meet talk about our worlds and go. That is all I can due to not suffer to immensely from this gasliting super homogenous stereotypes and seeing these as determinism. Some are more open, yet it's only the digital space that allows for this online classes are awesome, in-person classes are hell practically with all of the amount of stereotype projection etc. and having no other black fellow students. I don't get my needs meet of love&belongingness very well besides hanging out in online chatrooms and occasionally visitng a class. In more international classes I feel better usually. There is only so much I can do. At one point I don't know I just want to get my studies done and move to America at this point, I frankly dislike Europe and I can't relate to this culture at all and I find it disturbing very disturbing at times, because of social ranking and 0 awareness around black culture that fits also with American history etc. I can't even properly talk about it as there is 0 interest.

Thanks for the encouragement! Yes, this is 100% it it's just odd, as I am naturally more confident as many others and willing to be open and loving, I also attract during dates and in friendships (true friendships) very open and loveing human beigns. I will soon do a shamanic breathing therapy sessions and finally work out these kinks. This is actually very strong advice and helpful thank you for that! I really feel it! For me it'sthe more I keep loving myself the more I am at the brink of sanity as these emotions are so powerful it is like I am stepping into the divine, and others sense this a lot and become skeptical and abrasive. Thanks this will definitely help the meditation visualizations in terms of seeing the more positive side of things, it's very painful at times.

I thought I write about this and show a little bit of insight and detail and there is more to it on a more collective and even "racial" scale. I Googled examples of gaslighting as I felt gaslit by the current chinese teacher that I had as well as partially the psychologist I worked with for two years, and there is this relationship pattern that I observed since I was 12-14 as well as even earlier of repression and denial as well as the corresponding falsehoods. Practically my mother has been gaslighting me since I was 12-14 with statements and sentences such as examples of what she said and what is gaslighting: https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/gaslighting-examples https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/examples-of-gaslighting Ex1: "I'm sorry you think that I hurt you." When I tell her that I feel hurt and vulnerable and attacked by her remarks and inabillity to use language to express emotions and she starts feeling helpless and acts in silence and then again I feel gaslight. As I can't believe at thimes this is a mother. I tell her even I am disappointed in her as a human beign as I can't fathom at times how much trauma this pattern caused me when I get into trauma accidently either as well as actively. (exercise/trauma work/meditation) Ex2: When I example confront her very consciously with a conversation and a lot of women do this, they start shifting blame I've consumed new material about conscious communication for simplicities sake, and it's almost as if I need to start to talk about the collective unconsciouness from women. As they keep shifting blame in an super unnatural way at times. I do have to say I was bombared with this energy since I was little as I did not grew up with a father and both have been gaslighting me, yet this is a constant pattern. Things have changed. Shifting blame&Deflection: Example I show her examples of gaslighting present studies of discrimination as well as personal examples and she either denies and deflects to a point where I am questioning the accuracy of my memory. Starts saying you did this and that, you are name-calling when I am just not name calling in any sense and keeps iterating about the past in a toxic manner. Ex3: "You know I'd never intentionally hurt you." Is also a denial and shifting blame statement she does not really know what she feels and knocks her nervous system out with 7-9 coffees a day and drank a lot of alcohol and denied her behaviour, that it has a causal relationship with me. Ex4: "You're too sensitive./Don't be so sensetive" Is something she said so often when I confronted her and asked her about topics where I felt discriminated in school and even in university from this stage orange behaviour mostly and colorblind racism. Completely invalidating the emotions Ex5: "It's not that bad. Other people have it much worse." That is almost her classic, she can't accept how sensetive I am to reality and feels overburdened by the perceptions that I have and making up these cases is not of help. Also she keeps enjoying the level of vulnerabllity I can display with a level of glee, at times where it's quiet inhumane and says the following as an example: "You can't take a joke right?" Then HiHi's away with a lack of responsibillity from a 60 year old women, where I am baffled. Then I can hear stories about children in africa & smtth. where she is clearly behaving internally and externally like a privilged white eurocentric women. Then shuts down all interactions and continues this gaslighting cycle. Ex6: "I never said that." Is something she says constantly and as soon as I get an accurate memory (as I can be wrong surely) she suddenly forgets and I feel gaslit to the extreme. - - - - - - - There is way more for me this is quiet traumatic, as I notice when I do trauma work as well as get deeper into my body it's this kind of denial and repression that she and partially my father has been displaying. No, I don't live with them yet my family is very small and practically almost half dead... as I can't converse with anyone practically and a lot of conversations are so unhealthy and toxic, I just started talking otherwise they are put into a toxic space. For example again: Never using I statements consistently making it about the other person, saying: "You are XYZ.../ You're doing XYZ to me... / You are making XYZ to me"/ Is a lack of responsibility and this sort of behaviour caused me a lot of suicidal feelings. Consistently saying Yes.. but denies the input of the other person. Another example I confront her yesterday with examples she starts diverging of the topic and threatens me: You are the only one you can call at this time anyway in an emotional snipping tone. (This is super hardcore gaslighting, like it enforces the notion of co-dependence) You are the one name-calling me and I will tell you what you are doing. You are doing this YOu are doing that. When I clearly did nothing of it for the last several of weeks and she just disrupts evidence and makes one question ones own sanity. She diverges of the topic so often and starts using negative terminilogy in relationships such as blaming: You are always. You are always doing this. You are always searching into the past. etc. This is not even true, and she is the person who consistently speaks about the past so I am conditioned often to speak about the past in the present. I watched so many teal swan videos and did shadow work as well as worked with psychotherapists, she clearly is very toxic and damaging and a lot of sucidial perceptions stem from this kind of trauma, is something I observed. I am very sensetive, so what? The purpose of this thread is. How to deal and confront&gaslighters and the likes this happens also with minorities from other countries who are seeing paradoxically me as a minority because of skin color, and play a hierachical game that does not hold any groundtruth whatsoever. She also starts completely withdrawing affection and attention when I confrot her about this and to be frank. She did this when I was 12-14 and it takes so long for her to work and recognize these emotions, that I don't like to interact with her anymore, yet I am financially dependent as I am in so many unique situations it's not normal in a sense, and I also need guidance and reassurance at times from a family member. Yes, she consistently says she supports me financially, yet she is a gaslighting expert and very very toxic as she does this unconsciously and semi-consciously and does not see her behaviour. It's like Eckhart Tolle's pain-body she keeps enjoying this pain-body to a level that is inhumane and does not notice it. What can I do? I need to wait for the new psychotherapist as I will receive money from the state for studying, yet the proposal will take till Janurary. My family is almost dead entirely and it makes me sad to be so young... and have nobody to relate to as family since I was 4 or so, as they gaslight manipulat & die legitametlly. I have one or two friends that I can call, yet for a lot of I practically can only write down these incidents and then report it to the student council and explain the situation, as I don't know how to deal with it. As I am beign gaslit a lot with evidence! How does that make me a victim when I confront the person? Is this not a sign of strength? Basically she denies affection, shifts blame on to me and I am there sitting and crying at the despair of the emotional damage she has caused, when I own the emotions the attacks even continue I find her psychopathic and narccisstic. She does not pick up the phone willingly and starts shifting blame and gives me a silent treatment. I am so alone since I was 4 as my parents divorced and my father was never available my mother is quiet secure in relationships, yet the dynamic is so toxic and lowbrow, I am not all to interested in interacting with her. There are patterns I explain to her objectively and she has a negative anti-growth mindset, that makes interacting with her in a critical manner very difficult. Any advice? Besides leaving the relationship, it's partially impossible as I rely on her in a normal dependent relationship about some usual stuff, a son would ask a mother/father.

Thanks for the feedback since the Ukraine war started I received tons of social projections that are very difficult to stomach, it's almost close to destiny, I wanted to even change my name because of how German people use the English language and a lot of immigrants. I notice a lot of social projections and at one point just to find a solutions for all of this is a gigantic issue. I can't tell what people really think, yet it's not nice anymore to notice how disparagingly and ignorant young Zoomers and Gen-Y's are many of them are quiet toxic. I just left the class again, because I feel a lot of social projections where I am beign practically gaslight to the amusment of many minorities which are not part of the minority I am with. I decided to cut ties 100% with my mother and to focus on the digital space and use the internet as means of communication. I am very empathic towards the suffering of other people and I just don't quiet know how to deal and cope with this, besides leaving, confronting the manipulator and working on my own. The more I do personal development I do I notice how even more vulnerable I need to be it's like I am in this odd spectrum of beign super-empathic and then shutting down and meeting narcissists. Yes, and then they come to me and share their insecurity ever since the Ukranian war seemingly slightly weak is such a tricky concept. There are so many young narrccistic people and billions of projections where I notice empathy and compassion thanks to the digital space is lacking. It's like there are a few good human beigns outthere, yet 90% of them are just narccistically gaslighting others. Abusing weakness, and they even mean well I just notice this blame game, and if it would not be for the professors I would be doomed. I cut ties now with my mother, as she can't give me the strength I need in a relationship from an emotional mature partner. I love my studies I might study slower because I study deeper and incoperate principles and then they start bullying etc. I just read about narccisitcs and imposter with blinkist and they explain how for example a young women was seen as sensetive and not smart also, and having this both/and perspective is already the solution. I just find myself in an odd space, as people treat me at times like a dog ever since I have this injury and I feel a little weak. A lot of asian people that come here and immigrant children ask me gaslighting type questions and make gaslighting type statements and put me into this underdog category. How far am I supposed to isolate myself? As there is not much I can do besides moving again, I am not living in a space with so many toxic turkish and arabic people, and this is a general complaint I've heared about this region. It's like 90% of people are narccisitcs use me a scapegoat for narccisitc tendencies as I do have some sure, they are all within the healthy range as far as I can tell. I'll open a new thread, this is just not good. This should spread some awareness, it's like they are searching for evidence and attacking me and it's close to 80-90% I interact with. How did you find a solution for this? Besides giving oneself space in that sense and to focus on the positive side of things and leave the manipulator etc.? I found new strategies to implement, yet a lot of these are like sub-conscious attacks and snipping it's not easy to deal with this.

@integral Awesome! That is the core of the book IIRC there are a few player profiles under this octalysis model, where for e.g an aggressiv player coheres to 4,5,8 drives & stuff like this. Unsure if it's for free on the net could be with sort of individualistic choices without making a survey of opinions from others about various factors...again hope this helps! For example a player with an aggressive profile would leverage points 5&8, also fps players fall into this pattern. IIRC

Check this!!! Actionable Gamification: Beyond Points, Badges and Leaderboards Black Hat Gamification practically and FOMO it's legit a "mechanic" of the game. This Sinus-Mileus are also fluid, there is an evaluation each year as far as I know. I loved the Professor talking about this, as he was anti-mainstream, yet worked in big-business and had a rich family, and cared about the small people doing science so to speak. I presume also since the Ukranian War consumerism has changed more into the conservative. I took notes on the book to gamify, my life yet I was never able to fully implement the plan and a lot of apps are using this theory. Practically it dovetails with Game Theory as far as I know. I don't think I could nuance out the mechanics of a Yellow game for me a Yellow/TQ game includes AR in terms of mechanics as brain-face interfaces are listed as far as I know as teal. The theme of the game usually (how integral rated it) was mainly the determining factor of what consitutes a Yellow game. Maybe controls are the point about mechanics, if I could non-lineraly with intuition control a character I would most likely call it Teal+, I am unsure how critical that is if I include the factor about controls/keyboard&mouse&controller etc. Most woud rely on a good old control and mouse, I presume Zelda and open-world game have more non-linear "randomesque" mechanics. The book could 100% help with game design decisions and target groups etc. Hope this helps again! Same I also love stage red games. Shooters and fighting is almost a must as a male . In simple terms triumph over ego = feels good.

Ironically that is the only holistic game! That I know and never played.

This model is fundamentally used by large coperations to distribute and customize their products to consumers etc. We created for example storyboards&customer profiles etc. To craft a user experience that is more enjoyable. For me it's mostly personal interest and "whole spiral" like to give an example, I'd recommend checking the sources for ideas, the book from Yukai, has loads of player profile and mechanic ideas. This is for me with a somewhat holistic perspective: Stage beige: survival, gathering food, creating huts, exploring most fundamental basic aspects about nature, breathing of an animal, animations of characters, how real is it in contrast to real life? Physics potentially even just as a perspectie not implementation... Stage purple: Fantasy genre, Anime, Western Fantasy, Witches, Witcher, Card-Games with elements, I love elements! water, wind, etc. gathering shiny objects, Pokemon, tribe menatllity, feeling elite and special Stage red: Mechanics, combat fighting games, competition, glory, shiny objects, Stage blue: Family aspects and chill, community of my own, own farm, team oriented, my team v.s your team. Team crafting also if possible Stage orange: Points &Achievments, Elo score, How do I rank against someone else? How can I improve? What improvement mechanism are in the game? Can I upgrade my weapon? (Borderlands series) Can I customize my personal experience and improve my character with strength, agillity, wisdom, intelligence, endurance etc. Casuality focused, what is the most effective way, riddles, puzzles, Stage green: Farming raising a community, Sims?, community seen as diverse, diverse interactions, story telling focus, diversity and interactions, compassion and care, dysotopian themes! Post-moddernism, deconstruction, politics, intellecutal, choices Stage yellow: survival in terms of the whole spiral, include most elements mentioned above, intellecutal, non-linear dynamics? Stage tq: ??? Spiritual game would enable and facilitate ones own practice, peaceful? exploring consciouness actively, triggers to explore consciouness actively, engage in mind-brain technology, might not be doable with current technology and full immersion It's not easy. Would love to see different takes for example I feel Elden Ring/Oblivion/Fable/Divinity Original Sins, Baldurs Gate are somewhat tealish, with a red theme, just because of the vastness of complex interactions and non-linear dynamics. Hoep this sort of helps as a feedback. Beyond? My professor for example with 70 played cid-meiers evolution, because he loved strategy and he was well-off and had time. So yeah dunno. Yes, it's a huge time waste also.

@integral Stage red/blue fantasy seems for me to be a common denominator, the more "integral" a person is the more I notice they are interested in the whole game of survival, hoarding and playing. Also Green/yellow types of people like this a lot. I also personally feel psychology is missing out on this as a tool, there are a lot of wholesom inner child moments in video games, at a purple -> blue stage development, especially in more fantasy/rpg type games. For example: Terraria, Minecraft even, Subnautica, (personally divinity original sin2, baldurs gate series, oblivion (holistic orientation of cognition and depth) I'd check out this book: Actionable Gamification: Beyond Points, Badges and Leaderboards https://yukaichou.com/gamification-examples/ I bought and read it, it's quiet insightful in terms of personality (orange/green/teal) how to construct a game holistically, for example a red game under holistic aspects with whitehat and red hat gamification, as this is more of a design standpoint also... For me it's not easy it dovetails a lot with Sinus-Mileus: I know you speak German, so here I go!

@Razard86 What do you think about the following? During a meditation retreat I had a tiny peak into a state similar to what you'd call infinite intellectual abillity of some sort. It's similar to taking LSD and seeing all of the billions of connections possible. It was just not possible to stop it, the meditation teacher I talked to during the retreat told me IIRC that it's nothing, yet he also had difficulty identifying what I was saying. I practically had insights and thoughts based on just "collective consciouness" that I could re-trace on Wikipedia and found evidence, so to speak that what I thought was true. Mainly thoughts about humans have been created through biological evolution Yet it was so accelrated it was impossible to distinguish is this fantasy is this not fantasy. It felt like practically a higher dimension was there and at the sametime the delusion of the mind. Thoughts about states like this? I don't think "rationally understanding" infinity is possible, just with reading and working so to speak. Psychdelics and stuff is for me personally the biggest gateway into this. Anyway this was fully clean! Although I was in a deep state of depression I had visions sort of like this. https://www.science.org.au/curious/space-time/origins-life-earth About human existence without me having the proper input contemplating ancient cultures and the like, I legit found out what my second name means after years, and I legit finally want to test my D.N.A based on health reasons. I even received a MRT and they could not evaluate the data, ironically because more "medicore sized medical evaluation technology" was missing. I also was with a psychologist, nobody gave me an explanation, especially since I was forced to do ask the teacher publically, and he mentions in audioboks having NN-DMT like phenomena. IIRC. This is called Makyio in Japan which means something like gold&metal and your not supposed to speak about it. Although I feel times should change... Edit: I also had a lot of delusional thought and that was very intense, it was difficult to ignore context and just go on with the experience. The more I bought into the delusion the more schizophrenic I became. The less I bought into it the more revelatory was the experience.

Yes, I wish I could contemplate this more it seems like also a lot of neutral space is yearned for and I am often as "half/black/white" forced into this over dynamic neutral bullsh*t and it's mostly already playing with both dynamics, and everyone knows this lol! That is why I enjoy the functional movement/branding of ideas in Europe with Northface etc. Quite clever imo, yet I am not a super-marketer...although it gives leeway to more of a neutral ground of understanding of identity which I find is great overall, as it's an re-occuring issue. Developing intuition is also rough, as working on concepts and contemplating concepts over and over coming to conclusions and non-conclusions is utterly painful, drawing conncetions is the fun part, yet get's one lost . I wish at times even in highly intutive enviroments there would be more intuition lol, yet many just don't see the practical implications of intution. Also defining intuition is just not the way to go, intuition is mostly imo lived raw and very vibrant regardless of it's a highly masculine intuition / an absolutely neutral intuition - secular epiphanies etc. / or a very feminine intuition, as well as all concepts associated with that. It's an experience felt, it sort of sucks that there is not more of it. The main issue is humans need orientation and scafolds, as well as levels to understand and realize this, IMO most don't endure the pain of not knowing long enough to even contemplate such topics and therefore don't get any insight into them. Deconstruction of old norms and re-construction of more healthy norms is a perennial, fortunately and unfortunately! I just hope I can start to contemplate more holonic structures and Yin/Yang symbols and some chinese history. This stuff is do deep and ancient it's incredible. Random side fact: Xi'an had 600 b.c 1million inhabitants as a city in China, the city being secluded and organized in a holonic, yet very compartimentalized way, I just wonder at times how many ancient humans have been woke/enlightened, similarly to Heraclitus. I don't know how big of a deal the masculine feminine thing is in America, in Europe it somehow died down most likely because of Ukraine and Russia conflict, so there is less of a discussion of more liberal hot topics it seems, that would engage the forum also more consciously. I dunno I hope for the best for both sides. Anyway I am out! David Deida has good stuff on masculine and feminine polarities I still find these dynamics crazy

That is a good one . True! In fact very true! These are mind made conceptions although with a reality I find it bothersome to be constantly pulled into either and or one direction and not be BOTH more in that sense, as both have important qualities, even when one is more dominant. Also dark feminity is not embraced properly as well as accepted like beign over-compassionate and super female etc. I found this to be interesting. As a counter-perspective as I get a lot of sh*t from women and I don't know why at times, with that I mean positive female attention. Understanding proper and healthy gender roles as a dynamic not a steady-state even for men is what an "integral relationship". Looks like from my notes. Men don't over-rely on masculinity and women don't over-rely on femininity. I find hyper-feminity more interesting as hyper-masculinity I can see that in almost every movie, even when I watch none. https://brandgenetics.com/es/human-thinking/how-to-appeal-to-women-a-closer-look-at-hyper-femininity/

It's classic power abuse in a way, I also don't know why this happens so often in America. I like the way he dealt with the situation he could have pushed him away, here in Germany we have "Jedermans Rechte" meaning "Everyones Right" sort of when I recall correctly, and it's allowed to publically push someone away without beign forced into some sort of violence, so 50 cent is kinda correct, although the weak shall topple the strong usually, when I just contemplate stuff. In that sense accepting his weakness and admitting the sexual transgression. Is also a way of showing masculinity and strength it's not only about protection it's also about passion imo. He was passionate about being a proper role model for society even when the circumstance was not in his favour, I do enjoy that. TBH I still wonder to this day what healthy masculinity looks like, without some gym role models and athlethes andd hero stories. The crux imo is providing protection and beign passionate about growth and raising the feminine compassion without demonizing the masculine, and I notice as many women became more masculine and many men became more feminine it's not easy. As an example I take a personal one, I end up regardless of what I do as 90% of the time as a leader in a group project, although I can be quiet feminine when I am feminine it's abused by men mostly and I have wo work myself up from a weaker position as a challenge. When I work with more "feminine men" creativity flows like crazy even as a flow state the ideas are just way way way better. It's similar in engineering now, I find the most creative growth stems from feminine energy in my life and chaotic circumstances randomly creating order, as well as sheer masculine strength to bulldoze through obstacles and being an absolute unit, gives way to a lot of doors/recognition/attention and priviledges, as many just enjoy healthy masculine men, as they "vibe" on the possible strength provided. Yet as masculinity deterioriates in this neutral spectrum currently a lot of arrogance breeds imo, as there is so much confusion with gender identity, most can't handle this "empty neutral space" of masculine/feminine energy and I struggle with this also, as I can be hyper-masculine as well as to neutral at times, as begin to feminine as a man can be a super-power as well as a weakness. This is hyper-masculinity imo at it's finest just grab the d* instead of the p* and stick the tongue into the other beigns mouth I can't holy predator, the guy who did this to terry crews is a psycho.

I don't think he devalues them he appreciates them in context I feel when I watch him, maybe not so much the non-binary side for example, I am also not very well versed in that area I know homosexual people and my subconscious pattern because of a heteronormative society and now been namecalled like legit not even something about gender etc. and got first-hand insight into a post-operation man to female transition in terms of gender, while dating. From a very attractive human/person I call everyone person, which I don't already like. I feel for me it's also not easy sometimes because of projections as well as when I talked to the transgender person I inclined to date and "she" revealed a lot of intimate stuff, I was suprised like how can you even keep sanity, with this much pressure, check-ups etc. Then I just noticed damn, the person would benefit a lot from classic/normal personal development and a healthy stage Green circle. Like notice how kind and compassionate Green scientists are and then you have the hard-nosed orange "asses" who make life a living hell. Science is not easy regardless. Then I get name called because of sexual fetishism and trauma and I think to myself, I've done to much self-actualization work to re-kink myself with sex into traumatic cycles. Sexual energy is healing. I don't even as a "German-American/Black/White" guy have the privilege to talk about my identity properly I legit talked to my professor for sometime and he was ultra kind to explain stuff to me and not be like this orange a**. Omfg you **** don't understand this and that, he explained what he could explain and moved on. Science should also not be something for the elite imo, it should be open to everyone who has an interest and who can make it. This "call" to be elite is a stage purple drive. Also I notice people who only read papers become so arrogant and disgrounded from reality, it's a form of self-hate almost I saw this also during online-dating. It partially disugsted me and I am happy to see that there are scientist who'd prevent such stupidity. It's like their form of stage red power exercision, especially even so called scientist and high cognitvie abillity people from countries with low spiral development, often have close to 0 respect to people of color, even if they belong to that idea also. As they need to make themselves feel superior and act out their ego and classism, which prevents growth. It's basically a form of hyper-masculinity in a sense, it's important for people to connect and do something together and not be siloed incel type scientists, who are seeing the dark reality of humans as the only reality. Also a lot of eastern "scientist" and younglings think they are very holonic, while they have never lived in a holonic integrative western society, which western society is becoming more and more of slowly with flat hierachies and a more holonic and accepting reality. A lot of natural hierachies at stage yellow are in place imo, I just find it odd. For example how much power and assertivness I can assume and practically need to assume to survive. Sorry for digressing I appreciate your openess about gender&identity as a lot just take the priviledge to assume none and then you sorta have to play the no-game of playing the no-game & no-self game with them, as we are all so "equal". I just sometimes would wish society would take it a step slower with the technological progress and chasing after material success and glory of having a pretigous title and care more about understanding and developing insight. It's botherting to have science done by people who priviledge themselves with their science and then the ones who barely got any opportunity to do science the last 100-200 years are the ones who receive the strongest social backlash. Then you basically have to be superhuman to go beyond that, and most just want to see that like the classic "posterboy" ideals are important, a lot of people mean well, yet it's like telling your kids you are so smart! You are so intelligent and a genius! This just blocks development and the identity and not the effort of having done the work is praised (happened to me still have tremendous issues with this). There is a lot we can learn from each other I just find it discouraging, when you have people coming from cultures having seriously ethnocentric and not even secular viewpoints in terms of development. Basically judging and demonizing, attacking vulnerabillity and priding themselves over it, then you have a lot of well-intentioned secular people and they are misguided, as they would need more of the hippy green vibe and I feel a lot of black/african people develop very fast in terms of moral/ethical views, simply because of the amount of mental gymnastics you have to play. To see the bigger picture of it all. This is also similar in non-binary and homosexual people not so much in heteronormative people. Ken Wilber had some odd take on this, yet I am taking my own spin on this right now! So care! Thanks again for beign very open this gives me courage to go through my life, as I notice everyone has obstacles that need to be overcomen. I just sort of miss the old days pre-russian war and pre-donald trump where you could have had more "good faith" demoratic discussions about hot topics, as it would not give the perception of threatening democracy and good western values. Like equality/freedom of speech etc. I am not an expert etc. I can tell from experience when a white women starts to educate herself and this is mostly women about africa etc. They become super attracted to me and the relationship feels way way way more smoother. I don't even myself have time to explore this in profound depth, I just have a book about the contributions of blacks to western civilization etc, and it's quiet insane. It made me so angry I stopped reading it, as most would deny it because they pride themselves in their culture, I had to take pride in myself not my culture, as my culture basically has been raped and destroyed. There is the perception of that partially, yet many of the non-western and eastern types (I lived in China) have a shit load of stereotypes, and to call that secular and advanced when the cultural discourse threatens basic human integrity is horrible. I am sorry for not reading what you replied to before, I am so stressed from my studies and my injury, focusing on development is prolific, yet I see the need for safe space for understanding, hope this lengthy expression of mine helped. Some questions I feel should not be asked out of dignity and respect and this is missing in a lot of eastern people at times. This chasing after interesting things out of boredom is the ultimate definition of boredom and being seen as a playtoy, which I find disgusting even in science as some sort of testing object. Anyway here are my two cents. Again sorry for the rant. I am happy someone pointed out the ignore function.

Me also I prefer changing my username I would even pay for it lol.

Health cults are a classic I've heared a couple of stories from "muslim" type health cults in Germany where there is a lot of abuse and young people fall for it, it's almost comical. Take the first 4 stages of development and you practically create a cult. Beige, Purple, Red, Blue at orange it get's decent and at Green there might be some scandelous stuff, that in the big picture is not that harmful. At least not directly, more indirectly like Culadasa although trauma is a different thing. Also all of these communities don't practice shadow work mostly, stuff will and can happen. Prevention is basically an angels work lol.

Spirituality has been big in Egypt and the Nile delta, although there is seemingly less interest and it's not easy to find reminents I believe of that. Most cultures had shamans. Leo sort of tailors his episodes towards the majority of his audience I don't know if he specified a target group. He could make a video about himself for example worst aspects about Leo and following my teaching. Similar to Shinzen's video why I am a lousy teacher. I like it for example that Shinzen includes way more cultures in his descriptions, yet keeps it secular. So I resonate a bit more with that, I dislike the term pure philosophy a lot intutively, although I like 100% of it's content. Anyway thanks for taking the time to answer my comments!

My bad was not intentional. Can't change it also. Wanted to share a opinion on UI/UX design and the ignore function and give an example about conscious drama, I mean the theater exists so does conscious drama and actors in that way. Anyway my two cents.

What does that even mean ?

Yes, I love the poetry/insight type stuff as well as beauty and art appreciation. Also the mid journey a.i stuff was dope!

Humilty and putting in the work would be very cool. Most I feel do care about your development I feel you come of as egotistical, as you don't think about others as much which is extremely off-putting. Thinking about more other holons would be cool etc. That fundamentally includes us.