ValiantSalvatore

The point is also, simply this for me regardless of what I do, I never found a person with a similar vision, they are all ivory tower chasing, while I notice I've been framed in different ways where I legit feel simply powerless because of social and class pressures, yet now I just use the digital space more constructively and non-toxically as possible. Focus also more and practical marketing of myself, this is legit what I wanted to build, yet I really really yearned to be top 1% in that sense, what else would I do with my life? How fucking dumb are you? To not give your best, to the conception possible, the point is I lost my mental with all of these animals steadily showing their vacation pictures, also the bitterness and framing for the mother that I have steadily complaining about the envious society etc. I might have an allergy to white wine, and anything to pop-sodaish type of drinks. Red-wine certainly works.... the irony of this.

I'd really love to see how hard I could rap possibly in German, for fun to write some more elaborate texts, yet I still feel my science is to low, I would really love to drop such unrelateable shit, that nobody could ever possibly understand it, that would be the greatest joy possible. I plan my entire week, today and do a little extra. Then execute on 100% of activites new and old a like and join the proper discord servers etc. I am currently legit. On low-key ghost mode, yet I have to use all of this stuff properly it's insane how stuff unfolds I still mainly trust Leo, even when it comes to dating. Odd paralells, yet let's just do it and stay away from street dogs who suck street dick.

I presume. If my nervous system could be smoke that'd be great .

I will just go hard in a different way.... let's also truely care more about stuff, I don't know how much % I can create, yet it is what it is in the end....

I was never truely interested, yet let's band some more introverted power, I don't know what else to do at times etc.

I am just a racist tabernacle, welcome to my cult. Should be my intro to every journal entry. I love how that word feels. Try saying the word tabernacle, and don't laugh. It's not possible. Going to post more and just do more proper digital marketing for me personally, yes call me racist I love it.

Just seeing and testing again, I could need a different camera and simply express myself in alternative ways, I briefly listend to the insight episode, and I do have to say the section I watched hitted home closer to anything that hitted ever home? The point is I stopped supporting myself emotionally through networks as many women I believe do also, oh no girls the non-toxic stuff I integrate, as well as connect with people who are able to take care of my mental health like the new conservative friend I have an I of his, by beign a bit outthere. Open-mindedness and genetics at a higher level.... The fundamental point is engagement, connection, and connecting with the world and others, the stuff that I wrote here was the unchanneled expression of pure toxicity of times, no creative spark etc. To just express the level of paraoxysm I have at the exposure of the level of development from most humans, as well as expressing and alternating these ways in a more relatable manner, so there is more cohesion and connection. The values that dictat our culture might soon give us liberation, if these are becoming topics, if we finally stop fking war, and collectively focus more, the point is I fear mental health especially from stage blue type countries. It's the worst possible current power that can be held, I might even prefer arbitary stage red, as it's at least insane. I post more on instagram legit 50% of my followers engaged with my content, and I thought about how intention and attention do me well and a favour. It also was a very real accountabillity structure that leaves me not to much room for bullshit, now I am out of the social sphere where I feel possible guilt trips etc. That is mostly it I do have to prepare for the stuff I see how I post, when and why etc.

This: 30 min (all-type meditation open-awareness) What I feel right now? More love towards the inner child types of activities that I enjoyed, coding, video games, exercise, beign an alpha nerd that does not succumb to the societial notions of happy family, without integrating a higher level. I am grateful for users engaging with my content and for reminding me of some stuff that felt very good to receive positive loving attention. (You can figure mostly 90% of intentions someone writes to you) I am grateful for using instagram more consciously and social tools more consciously and noticing how it would dovetail into my vision, despite other opinions I am grateful that I am reminded to follow my own original train of thought of thinking I am grateful to be reminded, of why I enjoy certain activities and why I will put in some extra effort and just share some stuff I am grateful for having slept with the cute girl from Syria, I wish I could have been a better liberal, yet this is what it is currently I am gratful for not falling into this liberterian toxic trap and enjoying status cravings etc. in alternative ways I am grateful to be reminded of real hobbies and interest. (Photography/Marketing etc.)

I find it also odd that 50% of my followers engaged with my content even if I don't have much and these are all fking real people I meet all of them that is how real I was and still am and still yearn to be... I did not like the fake shit. I'd rather be a freak (heartiste), swine, pervert and asshole than some lame duck moderate degenerate.

I ironically found a studio. Where I could do shootings, I do enjoy creating value I just don't know how at times.... I don't enjoy existence as much when I can't build and craft, and I was very focused on the physical body. I just see for now. The new coding idea and using all channels etc. Let's use all of this even if it's cringe etc. Ebay be with me. I also made a friend laugh again, just by beign out... I miss picture perfect health with that I mean just normal functionality, but jeez life has to give me issues breathing 100% every breath. Yes it matters on the nano-micro scale....

This is also fundamentally it it served me more to be chaotic and random at times, as random intermittent rewards etc. help a lot I am also out of the group now mostly for game and see if I can schedule a TFP-shooting eventually even today here. No idea how to stay otherwise engaged.... Also it's very obvious now to me that many also half black kids etc. yearn a lot of attention, when I remember how similar that pattern is I usually do it in a more introverted way. I hope I can use social media properly I am bored, also very often. This legit woke me up in the morning more than a life purpose, as so many of mine have been destroyed I don't know at times as what to do besides connecting to others and at best sharing tastes of god etc. w/e.... Most humans fundamentally misunderstand me, as well as are not connecting enough... it's fine though currently, I notice I can use social media channels better, I should have bought a camera and take pictures, a young girl legit was moving infront of the camera when I took a picture just to get eyes in that sense. I just continue in a more low-key manner, with social media and up it slowly.

The point is 99.9% of the introverted stuff does not get you laid, I can still scale numbers I do enjoy this and post some stuff for challenges nothing really worked and sharing this was the best thing possible for the need of recognition. For example posting a 12 week gym challenge. Stories and weekly progress etc. Stuff like this really helped me etc. Similar to Lex Fridman does this stuff...

I am sorta back I love that music exists, I find it tricky now to build the kick-ass lifestyle. I saw my mother with her new company, and she seems more happy, yet worried about me rightfully so, as this was the biggest horeshit I could ever possibly experience, I don't know at times why things happen in a cascade and then the long grinding and grifting etc. I was suprised many where so engaged in my post, I never felt fully seen and this also costed me my mathematical abillities as my teacher back in the day, payed a lot of attention to me, so I did my work and supported me earnestly. I am awake now been out and I might post more on insta, just to scale the account a bit and do insta game etc. It legit also woke me up more in the morning than my life purpose connection used to be a very high value that I've longed to embody etc. I also posted more introverted stuff, yet I am just legit lost on how to make an income, I don't find any business partners etc. Doing stuff on my own now has largely been killed due to injury I hope yoga can save me to some extend.

My feet smell listening to this blue pill alpha thing book and there overall turquoise pill?? Is simply missing, also just been out to a huge event with a friend, yet I did not approach it would be better I do it solo or with a wing he had a girl and she had a friend with her also a girl, she introduced herself to met I dunno, why he was prone to leaving most likely because of sleep opportunities and none of us being superbly rich in that aspect.

https://www.instagram.com/flo.yoga/?hl=de Found some new inspiration for the original path, yet I am beign my own teacher here mostly although I acknowledge having learnt from others, 1h of this what did I notice how will my behaviour change? What will improve? The positive side: I notice the purifying effect of the technique based on different soundscapes and why I on purpose trained my nervous system to be that sensetive to be more of an auto-purifier. The positive side of Leo and his wisdom and love. The neutral bitter side of how staged stuff is and he is also anger prone, although patient interestingly. The fear of even posting subtely a report for his shaming of stuff, and this is from an inner child wound of shame, I notice I have a shame inner wounded child also, I did not dive into that end, yet boy I could tell you. I still have a deep love for Leo fundamentally, the anger expression according to the book, is better than this non-violent communcation thing. I don't believe in pure balance, I don't know how much is possible, yet I will give my best to do yoga and be disciplined and integrate the honor of wearing the actualized.org heart from Leo, I also wished him more health etc. The point simply is currently I've been shamed I believe from my mother for my masculinity and supported for hyper-masculine traits, as she fears survival. When I go through these nervoussystem patterns. Nr.1 thing resentment for Leo and this liberterian hoax type of racism and bigotry, that creates very evil pictures in my mind at times. I rather say it and express it, if he just ignores this feedback it shows me he had to much of load of this currently. The riddculement of buddhist and Leo's inabillity to explain the discernments The hatred I've felt for Leo and this Schadenfreude liberterian attitude, although there is some wisdom The lack of wisdom I see in him when it comes to some more integrative aspects and the hate he has and anger for the teacher and the denial of it, he could be more honest and acknowlidging of others experiences and act more from wisdom and love, I feel this is not as deep as he might see it is This was sort of the negative side. I am in it now to learn and digest there will be some stuff, yet I also have to learn it as many women can be liars etc. The point is this is why I will do yoga and not end up this type of stuff. There has to be some trauma otherwise they would not act like, this and I feel this is mainly the non-enactment of love and wisdom in most humans. I most likely only can follow Leo in terms of psychdelics and support here if he does not create a very technical explanation of stuff, I am massively afraid of clarity internally I do support him and wish him the best and get tastes, yet this process works better for me. If he'd legit schedule retreats and be more like Ralston I would book him&buy stuff, so I could learn etc. I will create the health that I am longing for etc and the abundance. I am thankful for every friend that let's me feel the emotion of abundance I am thankful for letting go of every possible strand of negativity and becoming more immune to influences etc. that are toxic I am thankful for not feeling poor I am thankful for noticing why I trained on OkCupid and why liberals can be sexy and healthy not everyone is dirty. I am thankful for taming this inner justice warrior through these techniques and to breakthrough pain this was the smartest thing I could have possibly done I am thankful for still practicing meditation and to now having finally made a massive internal shift.

I briefly listened to this, and what I can say so far is that it's mainly true, as well as I need a solution for my nervous system and talk to the doctor, it could be because of trauma still the techniques that I am doing release the trauma not as massively, as breath work etc. I am also unsure what Leo talks about besides when I had a taste of consciouness, and from my own experiences, to integrate higher levels of intelligence and acting like love & wisdom, especially as I joined this telegram PUA group that seems to be a bit like this and the more "average social matrix" that cuckholds you especially as a liberal. I am unsure, what true liberalism is more for me like constant research and betterment, the point is for me, I am not that content with my abillity to physically perform anymore .... I notice it when I play computer games etc. I might be holding myself back, yet I exhausted more of stage red than I thought.

The point is I have to become even better socially I feel, a lot of this stuff is heavy how the frame racist and keep black people down and how I internally react to the word, poor and they still care, that is the odd thing about this PUA stuff. I would not consider myself a PUA as I simply don't employ tactics. I am just amazed by how f*ed the world also is. Last game then meditation and google course stuff, let's upgrade and provide value, I don't know how else I might even rather realize a blue&yellow dream instead of this PUA stuff. The point is how materalistic the world is and the enjoyment of blue&red, especially red I do have to create some of it. I most likely will focus on coding and going deeper into app development.... I don't know, yet I have to move it might have been a bad move, yet this health stuff really got to me and I never noticed how bad it can be to be liberal and how difficult it is to find dates, and how "poor" I feel apparently internally and I know it, also especially because people expect so much money of me and not etc. It's such an odd flip at times, I don't know what to say quite well. Besides that I am now focusing on certificates for android development and just apply, I should have simply finished the course now it's not there. I don't know at times to rate the value of an activity as well as how fk*ed it is to get good with attracting women with plenty of advice etc. So many different takes also etc.

3-2-1 shadow work - Expert level, perfectionist drive, stage blue, expert, professional, beauty at blue, choleric-melancholics (golden/normal shadow work) It feels like a constant demanding of perfection out of fear because it does not work any other way It feels like though love, that cripples someone and does not leave any room for creation openess and higher emotions It feels like depressing fear and anxiety and the feeling of rigidt niggerishnish (p.s I am black partially) It feels like it's especially important to rationalistic hitler type of germans who are themselves so dumb and arrogant they don't deserve to win I rather deny because of their abillity to look down on others based on accomplishments It feels like a mixture of status drives and ranking the other based on material possesions and the level of motivation such a looser get's from status achievements It feels like there is a constant blaming and shaming mentality just to squeeze out more and make things a tiny bit more perfect. It feels like a lack of acknowledgement of that not-knowing can be superior to knowing It feels like there is a drive of healthy perfectonism of knowing and feeling especially exactly what it takes to get the result and fine-tune that knob, in that sense to be clutch It feels like there is a competition out of the desire of glory to be clutch, while I am more chill It feels like there is a disacknowledgement of feelings to the glory of efficient rationalism and discarding humans out of a petty rightouness and pragmatism type of drive It feels like it's mostly aggresive supportive type of humans who would backstab you if they had been legally allowed to do it It feels like there is a mentality of seeing age as a discriminatory factor instead of seeing it as wisdom, although the youth is becoming more and more useless, especially because of a lack of professionalism It feels like there is a time-waster menatlity of self-hatred that searches glory and recognition at a place else then the real digital and or physical society, only in the fantasy releam of where nothing matters, yet my dumb fking will matters It feels like a whore inside of me that would castrat itself out of anger just to show that I am right and you're not it feels like the biggest fking disgusting looser It feels like there is a need to fill a gap and a whole to create more whole experiences that create more whole experiences that create more whole experiences and a lack of discernment when it comes to discrimination It feels like this crippling fear of success because feeling real professionalism the authentic drive of it is hard, and knowing and still beign aggressive and not putting up with others shit and saying what flies to your skull triumphs the stupidity of safety and the backstabbing notion of safety It feels like a denial of how unsafe many have felt to solve a given problem in order to feel safe, as well as the arrogance to believe they can exactly re-create it all at the same time It feels like there is a lack of acknowledgement of the difficulty and a lack of appreciation for doing something difficult is more manly than throwing onself recklessly into the stupidity of stuff It feels like there is a deep yearning for perfect memory, perfect recall, and perfect abillity to do a set of skills and to perform instead of building on progress It feels like a self-sabotage of professionalism, because of a lack of focus on wrong fundamentals and bitching about creating the deeper and longer-lasting fundamentals It feels like an internal hater that wants to grew beyond others and do what is impossible, as this notion is somewhat in your belly for whatever reason It feels like this interal racist drive, that makes me want to vomit at the arrogance of others and the sheer damage this does. and creates more non-lasting arrogance and it feels like a white upptity stance that has 0 credit, 0 value and is the biggest nazi ignorance I can possible feel with anger It feels like there is a desire to influence others with proper professionalism and proper views of the world and beign a role model in general it feels like enjoying to play the expert role and finding faults It feels like an internal parxosysm of nerve-endings dying in pain because others perceive pain to be valueable and overfocus on this area. It feels like a lack of holism Alright let's talk to you expert mode, you've been bugging me since sometime now, and I did not get a chance to properly integrate and greet you, you basically from what I've read are the internal drive to expertism, and having the "perfect knowledge and recall" of everything, which is simply not possibly, yet why do you nervously react to this. Do you not notice the expecation is to much? That others seem to constantly expect perfection of you to some extend subtely? Well.... I don't know if this is true, yet I share the perception, then what can I do? You seem to follow higher emotions only and reflect on the negative ones besides not being in denial like some jealous envious incel type of cuckolds, where you justifieably would fuck their girlfriend because they are such loosers you simply hate them don't you? Well yes I do and I would most likely not care and cry, simply because these types of "Andre's" are the ones who are steadily belittingly you subtely because of status even when you are better socially in that sense, and you notice this also, this is also where they blame and shame you for having taken "drugs" and "substances". This is exactly this centrist type of phenomenon, and remember to exagerate you're anger to bring your point across. That has nothing to with strength in compassion!!! YOU SEE EVERYTIME COMPASSION IS STRONGER THAN ANGER. Then why are we talking today? Why is my nervoussystem so heavily triggered... I mean you did not digest a lot of purfiying karmic influence and you stopped going this route, obviously people pushed you as they notice, and they are greedy fat disgusting swines and cats, who are loosers who at times deserve to be pushed into a hot boiling pot of water and be hot-cooked by the lack of professionalism they display, they don't plan they don't enjoy executing something to it's completion. THERE YOU GO!!! That is what I wanted to hear on the golden side, I was yearning for this. Yes the completion aspect of this, you notice for how crazy and irrational many so called "rational type of people acted" and how much feminine energy was installed into you, and you somehow are not using it properly anymore because of this masculinity and dating crises, the vision you had of professionalism is paired with children and having this opposites and divorce type of stage blue undercurrent. What can I do about it? What is even your gift that you're sharing with me today? I am showing you this is first of all not a must, decision do happen, just take care. Next of all integrate more of the masculine sides of your mother, she know she had to play both and there is just not a lot of trigger elements from my father, then what about this lack of criticism at times and masculine energy? You're and I am also worried about this, as the damage that it does it's not the same as getting slapped by a soft and strong masculine compassionate judo throw, as well as a semi-rough judo throw, you notice how discrimination affects you, and why the weak are stronger at times than the strong. Masses beat singular strength. Alright okay, mister perfection and expert and smart ass, you have to pretty bonker type high-end books, you seem to be better as a man in femine yin type of stuff, than most men, for some reason, and you seem to demonize the men who have to strong yang, and you know that a healthy balance of the two are good, but shadow what are you possibly showing me with all of these anger triggers and identity and role model and counter-evidence type of experience, am I supposed to be a warmongerer that sells guns and get's girls because of a lack of proper security and standards and also complaints about the normal and usual chaos, that others solve in the background, why is my inner child wound also shame? What am I ashamed of? Masculine energy in multiple forms first of all, you know despite all possible contradictions you'd engage in sexual activity with men if you'd not be socially shamed and that is what I mean more with the issue of evolution and survival currently, you're still turned by hot & sexy girls, you jusst seemingly enjoy the more feminine side of men also, and generally you enjoy healthy energy sharing which is an advanced thing generally speaking. Then why do I feel such a crippling pain currrently at the obstalce of completion and perfection? You've been shamed by your mother with this wannebe black whore like attitude of hers, even if she's white she never realized how dumb of a slut she is for acting out toxic feminity and she knows no shame in this. She is one of the most shameless whores I have meet possibly, and watch how the subconscious drive of mother&father dynmic would play itself out, and she would subtely manipulate and gaslight and I would simply combust. Dude, these are all hypotheticals nothing happend and she does not know what she is doing, she is simply not taking any responsibility for her anger, in terms of bettering herself, the info you have from yesterday it's fine to be angry with the other even to blame and be angry at the otehr person, yet you have to realize this does not change if you do not change. So what is it about this expert, achiever drive especially in Germany that seems so triggering to you. You seem to be jealous as you feel this energy vampire draft of humans who only care about the status and there is no proper acknowledgement just this subtle undercurrent of simply because you're black and some bastard I can do it better than you, and you see this self-image served him and also partially can serve others who are not phlegmatic in that sense as a surprise. The point simply is you're quiet triggered by the level of expertise and lowness of many levels and how strong it is and are not acknowledging your healthy drives here, you still are the man realize that!! The point is integrating also this thick-face & black heart attitude I find it diffuclt to enjoy mastery, what do you show me even at this expert level this shadow seems so vast, I did not even properly touch it that much since 2016, you simply notice also the level of guilt of not having achieved and the point of compassion etc. As well as how getting laid here can be an issue and simply status. What do I fear? Why do I have seemingly issue? *sigh...* you drag this out..... I can't tell you more as there is no painful feedback, you noticed many things on cannabis that are more transpersonal, yet you feel a lot of resistance because you are capeable of believing to much to reading buddhist scriptures etc. and getting answers. You're afraid masssively of professional success and showing it down others throat even if that is partially normal, you're afraid of your own intense perfectionism and showing it down others throat. You're exactly afraid of that and the judgement of shame that you see and felt a lot through video games and these online-type of "arguments" how dumb it is and how much it somehow messed with your nervous system. GOOD THAT I DRAGGED THIS OUT AND WE HAVE TIME; what's up with the pain of connection? What is up there? You seem to fear the pain of connecting for some reason, and you've been guilt tripped and subtely shamed from my family in a longetime, as these loosers, especially the German side ARE DISGUSTING FKING LOW LIFE LOOSERS, besides my aunt and my father knew this, as she is more aware and conscious than my mother as an intutive. What I can say is and feel is that experise and the drive for expertise is in your blood, honed by your father, expressed by your father, crippled by angry single-mothers and shameful independent feminin toxicity, it makes me internally want to say women are worthless whores for crippling the strengths that provided them irregardless of feminism etc. The point here is again shame, look for how bitter women shame you because you're sexier, you're healthier, you took more care of your health even when you devied the odds in that sense and abused evolutionary mechnism in this dating things, same as smoking a cigar to show how healthy you're beyond survival and evolution. You've always been framed like this and especialyl very ugly, very old and alone bitter women shame you for this, you most likely rather date a whoe who had 1000 cocks than some decrypt ugly chick that has had sex with 3 guys and shames you and is acting all neutral and introverted and is logically pleasing. Dude we drifter so far apart? What are we even integrating now? That I resent girls, especially bitter girls who foster bitterness and not love? YES DO THAT YOU LOVE FEMINISM YOU KNOW THIS YOU LOVE SEXY HOT INTELLIGENT GIRLS; THE UGLY BITTERNISS IS ONE OF THE MOST DISGUSTING TRAITS YOU'VE Been implanted it. and you know feminism is not hindering you to get laid, the point is it's the bitterness implanted by angry and bitter incels and assholes who are devoid of facing their fears and beign courages, accepting beign a fool! As well as having pride and honor. Pride and honor is another thing I wanted to touch brielfy, what is triggering me here? Give me a brief insight... you notice how closely pride and anger are correlated, you notice how repressing pride is the same as unhealthy as repressing anger? What are you prideful about? My achievments and what I can do in the external world? The interal feeling of self-worth I take pride in this Beign responsible for balance and creating harmony I take pride in this, even if it looks like a lot of drama, because nobody opens their mouth Beign prideful in beign better, even if you know it's hurting you. healthy striving let's say I take pride in this. Alright let's stop it's a bit to much and we're getting into to much stuff. I am the one who is yearning for more healthy striving and achievments that make me feel internally and externally professional I am the one who is acting and feeling like and achievmentless looser out of bitterness of not beign successful as society sees other as succesfull I am the one who is handicapping myself to be more confident by engaging in mindsets and activities that don't make you feel any pride I am the one who notice that shame is a childhood wound and some of these achievers and professionals play with it heavily and become condescending and subtely racist, yes this is racism and evil I am the one who does the exact same stuff, yet yearns to do this in an abundance drive I am the one who cripples his own ideation and drive for expert stage blue achievment out of the fear of having children and notices that I am the man who decides to have children, I have the choice! I am the one who realizes that masculine energy of women can be a healthy and valueable feedback and that feminism is not your enemy I am the one who feels the pain of hypergamy and notices how women are outsourcing themselves because they are not at stage yellow&turqouise see any yoga chick, I don't think green makes the cut I am the one who feels the bitter truth of how painful it is to gain expertise and how low the feeling of yield out of this feels. I am the one who sees himself as a looser because of a lack of rank and status&elo and acknowledgement I am the one who feels this interal drive, and is unable to properly channel that into a professional carrer, out of fear of toxicity I am the one who feels a higher calling to the art of perfecting and notices how age plays a role and pain and seems to be subtely bitter about this to late idea, because of fear of shame and condemnation I am the one who could acknowledge more healthy masculine traits of my mother beign immune to shame and just going for what I want even if it feels painful, guilt is also just temporary I am the one who acts like a time-waster type because of self-crippling doubt and insecurity about strength and associating outside strength with inside strength I am the one who feels triggered and still enjoys the holonic girly energy of ugly&hot girls, and who is aware of how image can be crippling I have the desire to create an image that is professional, yet lacks at times the abillity to digest it's pain. That is mostly it I don't know how many other parts there is and are it's also the idea of outcompeting and creating others and healthy competition etc. I might rationalize more than I though, yet I found new ideas and joy in creating apps etc. As I don't feel shamed in that area, shame me and I sabotage you're entire life, that is the most digusting wound you can touch you fking *beep*, you see how this works? Shaming others is the worst a tiny bit of shame is fine, as it's social glue as far as I know. I could be very knowledgeable when I integrate more noble expert drives and might get more girls, and yes I finally yearn to have more sex and get the online-abundance in, even if I go freelance etc. I'll find a way, where there is a will there is a way.

I don't know how hugely I can partake in the creation of A.I it was my teenage dream out of the despair of humanity, how cruel we are as "animal" creatures. In the end I dunno let's see what the meditation session does, it all as I skipped a lot of session should help me with pain, I hope this generates more vision I do have to change my vision and value board again. Also the point about honor and perfecting and pride, as well as the stressful nature of the 2 in the enneagram for me as a 4. The do it your own way or the high way type of pride. Let's see what the upcoming session will reveal, and how fast I can learn the new coding after being exposed to this level of complexity.

Briefly refelecting I am unsure what to type and what I can say, I also don't know how some can stay so mentally healthy as they are not obstructed with thousands of stereotypes and threats, I had to many negative experiences with people who life in this country I regret not having taken the first chance to move out of here, after I graduated. I now have to see and apply I might also change my stuff as I don't seem to enjoy deep learning as much to data science etc. If I get a good taste for that... they recommended me this also NLP and reinforcement learning. Somehow, some way. Right now after the gym feeling the sun, seeing the sun and just basking in it I forget all worries. I listened to the audibook about pain and I can't avoid pain as much as I want it to and I adressed it quiet well before, I will most likely move more into the direction of pain and accepting pain as an invigorator to be happy independent of conditions relatively more, as this hypergamy and anti-evolutionary stuff seems to have a strong hold. Also meditation simply and working on dreams & goals, I find it tricky to get long-term enjoyment out of goals, because of a lot of put down from other men to up themselves in this "blue pill alpha ideal" of many "standard breadwinners", I am a bit worried about choosing proper projects etc. For getting my hands into stuff, the point is to leverage also autonomey I do have to do projects on my own I will finish the google stuff and nudge myself into data-structures I have more fun somehow working with phones nd stuff, I don't know I find this A.I stuff to dry and to scientifically rapey. It's like rapey science. The joke was when I immediately arrived they sent job offerings to app-development and I did this as a focus in my bachelor, some advanced and non-advanced stuff. There is also some machine learning stuff here, I just don't know exactly why I have more passion and feel more love doing this I find this other stuff so heartless somehow.... I dunno .... will play one video game meditate, then do mathematics and do the Google stuff weekly, I just have more joy doing this at night currently, and I'd like to have coding as a hobby that stuff is all that I am learning now, is a site-trip for hobbies etc. All the mathematics etc. as I enjoy creating, bending rules etc. I dunno how else to describe. --- This should give me more room I found a good course and the google stuff should be available relatively soon and I'll just greedily upload it, so they see I have done some stuff, and act stupid. As not beign a fool is worse as far as I can tell. The girl also seems to have a confident boost after I slept with her about her looks, and she was actually pretty hot, sure I could analyze flaws etc... I should tune into hobbies and hobbies was app development for me I somehow fell in love with it, as I gain respect also? I find it odd, I also get less shit from society, and it currently pains me to much and the mathematics that I am doing etc. Could properly prep me for deep learning and the more realer engineering type stuff. This is basically the idea, and to become fluent in programming languages and not other languages, and do manly workouts etc. and yoga etc. As well as apply this should nourish my heart. I am currently so starved of things I don't enjoy doing, as they put me into this linguist frame, besides the orange/blues who put me into the mathematics vision frame. The yellow~ish professors just also had support issues in that manner. It's odd to contemplate currently. I'll play one video game meditate and then create a schedule to learn this google java & kotlin stuff, see that I can apply upload this to github etc. I don't enjoy hidding plans. I yearned to be so competent that even when I reveal my plans I am immune to any manipulations as I mastered myself in that sense. I could have ranted about hypergamy and white society & beauty standards as legit some of them are standards and just lack of collective appreciation, as a hot body is easier to evaluate than hair, yet the issue of hygine, conservatives, fat manipulation etc. But hey, let's see if the abundance hunt can begin I just need a million city a pc, and a somewhat stable job and a camera and more connections. This should create the abundance I was searching for. As well as help with discipline the rigidity of society did not allow me to take C++ which is horrible I also struggle immensely mentally I still wonder why, it was mostly out of a lack of love, as it often felt my mother took love from me in beravement to her own desires, instead of beign nuturting she was only nuturing to me in competition I feel as well as when it was about hierachy upgrades. My father was more chill as he knew the struggle and my mother is at times an arrogant cu** to be like this, she legit suffered under the marketing of individualist type feminist and business types who out do men and ala heartise have an alpha pussy, there is a difference between king&queen dynamic and alpha pussy. The queen knows here place, alpha pussy is ruthless. Might be great sex, yet ruthless. I also don't match them I match more feminine creatures, also we all have trauma today is also shadow work session day. So let's continue enjoy create and craft. This overall gives me more security.

I did not think being angry and expressing it what I do the whole time is so healthy and moves things forward.

I feel I am ready now again for personal development. I feel thick face black heart currently is to difficult to integrate I deal with oranges and blues thanks to migration to much, and with more turkish people I get more Orange/Green & Green/Orange. I have to see, for now let's become unfortunately the belatetd (actually not) young professional, I missused this identity etc. For now let's do it! Let's be one the biggest hurdle I have is psychotherapy I do have to do it on my own mostly, the ones who are here, they force me into a social dynamic that is not, yet there. I am to aware of this, and I would do stuff, yet it would just turn into a cult. Doing yoga, the new book I bought on sexuality is bonkersly good, I do have to admit from a liberterian standpoint the intellectual side is intriguing, I am linking myself up and see myself more as a young professional rebel, in that sense and do work dilligently etc. Even if I might rage&mad. I am reading now also something on this, as I did not read this book before radical honesty. That is it....

Briefly I bought some stuff, and I will just read some book that I've been neglecting and create more organisation also in terms of clothes. Just the more planning and caring and see how I can deal with anger.... I've been to much in neglect of creating clarity and beign disruptive... it's also a bit more in my nature, and I see how I can tame that inner animal more, I will also go mad to integrate some of the advice, and take the dog-licking scyophantic cuckolds type of INFP's who bitter bitch about stuff out of my life, that I've meet. The point is becoming a great man, and still beign manly and masculine I currently notice socities notions are still to underdeveloped to engage within that spectrum behind non-closed doers, and I am still reading signs...

Small reflection about discipline and what happens when I get succesful the road to the envious and bitter computer nerds. It's heavy and I've never seen anything as prejudice as asian men, and black women. I don't enjoy saying this, yet it's by far the worst I have witnessed. I also have to plan and take more action simply, based on this free flow and forget that I also created already a degree that could earn more possibly 300-500k depending on where I work. I just need an opportunity. It's insane how I am supposed at times to just "take it" and asian men generally especially chinese have the worst type of prejudice possible that I've meet and I lived there, as well as other stuff. The point is it's only about power and social status. One other thing I observed is how little time I have, for creating what I want, I don't know what is happening with the seminar, yet it's an issue that the university here is odd, it's like a hidden death ball. I somewhat have to stay clear of to negative and toxic "asian types", I would never say this if this would not be my direct reality, at times I made different experiences from the time I was small, that is why I am even saying it. I find it odd, as they enforce a toxic masculinity that I don't like to enjoy, there is a difference between healthy boss-like attitude and "gangster/rebell cuckold" type of energy. I am beign honest here, the point is also doing enough in balance. Most goals I've had changed and beign disciplined etc. It might not be enough I don't know what fundamental shift allows me to have the breakthrough I am looking for if someone just tells me focus on one thing at a time, I do my best, at times there is so much stuff missing. I am just unsure because then I am beign discriminated, I am glad this is inclusion based, as this really forces THEM, not me imagine how stubborn and "ethnocentric" you have to be in this. This overall is critical, liberals needs healthy rebels, like healthy families. As well as centrists needs healthy rebels, and healthy families (the issue). The point is for dating here more Green is available to date me on other plattforms like OkCupid and Tinder and Bumble is mostly a Orange/green/blue mostly Orange phenomenon. Gyms also. I am unsure where to draw inspiration from at times. Key changes I am making again to just "accept fate". Weekly planning and cleaning Yoga&Exercise Food&Nutrition I hope this fixes stuff, I will visit the gym also more often also for cardio etc. They all gave me the advice to do less, yet with doing less at times I am not attracting women, I've built the life I wanted and digressed. Let's make this also a habit, otherwise I am lost I take 1h and stick with it, I might need to get rid of some ideas and eventually when things work better, make a pause with actualized.org Eventually make even a 3 months no journal no reflection challenge as I do so much of it. My values I feel also shifted, I am unsure if I should stay on track with the life purpose course, soon it's my birthday one year younger... yeah! I miss the positive energy of attracting also young and spotaneous women, I don't enjoy seeing the old and lazy 30 y.o women who fall right into this liberterian centrist pattern and why they end up alone, it's obvious from many angles. This is why I also visit yoga etc. Might find something more evolved one girl (semi-hot, yet better than other stuff) seemed already quiet interested and I get a sex bonus thanks to skin-color. All in all the constructive side of going through this pain is worth the effort. The point is simply.... long-nights barely any balance... a lot of work.... possible missmanagement.... others.... and staying calm in adversity..... They told me to reduce also as an advice if I would take the oh so wise advice I would do: Visulizations based on success and in general Take is slow work long hours & rest Hit on girls at night time? I do have to see where I am legit contradicting myself, currently it does not seem to be the case, and the type of meditation that I did and experiemented around serves me well somehow.... I have more qualms with minor issues where I get angry, like shoes and clothings. What realistically works is the stuff I wrote above. I do have to see this as development.... to get rid of this toxic inheld energy is the best thing I can do with my meditations.... this is mostly it I will schedule more concretely I see myself as a rebel now who fits inside society and not. I am a change agent, I don't know how to see myself to cause proper changes, as dating is not working without any status = security, which I struggle at times building. Right now let's focus on this building internal and external security and saying no to women who want kids, somehow my brain wants to abuse this mechanism for arousal, and deeper intimacy at times. Yet what I can say so far is this. I need to create a more secure foundation, that is why I applied also to more workstudent things, and also the callousnessness of others in general and the utility based pain-endurance etc. I am better of doing this torture of a meditation... as well as engage in health practices. I also love to loose my mind and come to my sense in that sense....let's build! Continue and get the negative stuff out and repair the older stuff. I might approach some women. First I build some strength again, and be very very strategic....etc..... I hope I finally get a students job, so I can be more attuned to life in that sense....

40-50 minutes, the old type of meditation. I cry and let go of so much past, present and future emotional pain, I can't properly bring myself to exercise and I get a huge boost in god-like flow, as most of the type of "pains" I naturally have is in flow and talk space not visually. When the flow is one the vision is supreme, in that sense. I cried letting go of pain, I might use visualization more as a tool between bad days & sessions and integrate more with shadow work. This is also the type of meditation that got me disciplined, and started working on myself. I just do what I can do the point is I need some proper income, and system updates for years and I struggle to be very specific and narrow. It's worse than this. 1000% worse....I feel so unfullfilled, my whole life I am a symbol for diversity if I want it and or not etc. - I am grateful for having ordered the book about sex from the guy I meet who is also more holistic and sees the reality of stage orange women - I am grateful for beign beyond any lower stages even if it might not seem so - I am grateful for saying even the most toxic things so I don't shut up and be some doormat that has paraxysm based on cuckholdry - I am grateful for finding discipline and getting back to a more dominant and polaraizing stage blue existience. I am just sexist also at this point. - I am grateful to be playful and a jester, even if it does not seem so. - I am grateful for finding more sticking points of what works, and happiness I need different authorities then Leo I have similar issues as with my mother with him, because of this cynnical brute force nature etc. This is mostly it.... I am sticking to some stuff and create the weekly schedule move back to what work perfectly exercise, meditation and proper caretaking. Drinking shakes etc. proper planning and executing on plans, not this vision-based stuff that works also at 3.5 ... orange a lot.... so I don't fundamentally know how to deal with scyophantic types at times.