ValiantSalvatore

For me it's similar to channel has value, especially overtime I was surpised shorts are not there, to better engage with content. I don't get it recommended enough and I turn recommendations off even at times. I tend to watch the videos mostly when I am deeply thinking about something in my life and or am making a bigger move and or project. At times also when I play a video game, I somehow enjoy it that way. Usually I watched the videos asap, and give my best to integrate it. The clips channel is good, yet I would even personally prefer a short at times.

Read new rule.: I am allowed to post about my gym sessions. A part of me still loves to share it's journey. Especially the progress. New appointment for new plan, I am through a couple of them. Gained 3kg-4kg muscles mass I weighted myself again Stage orange pull makes it tricky to fully engage in more holistic fitness the injury also Bettered my form listend to mastery from Ralston for the second time now Seeing finer distinctions the energetic pulls positive and negativ make it tricky to fully focus on the audibook at times I bench pressed 80kg today the first time with the olympia bar I feel odd ever since I hit full yellow in the social spectrum, it's has become also very predictable so I at times turn away, and I generally seem to care more for the weak than the strong for some reason The Ralston principle type of integration injured is the most difficult part, especially balance and form, there is latent anger there.

If I watch anything quick I might watch a YouTube short for example for gym exercises. I used the clips channel sometimes, and even if the snippets are great I just don't get them recommended a lot. For example when I watch a video about deadlifting in the gym that is 8 minutes - 12 minutes as well as about nutrition and exercises that go in-depth with science etc. like GravityTransformation etc. After this I tend to watch clips, yet YouTube Short clips. They also generate a lot of views I don't know how monetization works, yet if they have over 300k likes and than are also streamed over TikTok etc. I presumed you'd be more interested in disemminating your content regardless of the plattform. Her channel for example in contrast to ActualizedClips has shorts embedded I presumed you'd use shorts, it's not neccessarily a feature of attention span, yet even time and repetition even with the new huberman science about visualization and learning, he recommends short 15-30 seconds bouts. So I was surpised generally speaking, that the clips channel did not introduce shorts, and are also used on TikTok, it would be cool imo, if first of all you generate money that way, and second of all that more conscious content is spread on TikTok. Maybe the collective consciouness would get rid of thinking about Andrew Tate etc. Ralph Smart and Teal Swan also use it, although it seems Ralph Smart is more on Instagram and TikTok. I see both of their content on Instagram. https://www.youtube.com/@dashpringer/shorts https://www.youtube.com/@ActualizedClips/videos https://www.youtube.com/@TealSwanOfficial I feel a bit bad, as I recommended this years ago and was for the channel and you make a loss, yet the landscape diversified, so I was surpised to barely see any offical actualized.org shorts. This should create more leads generally speaking, yet I presume you also went over the idea. (In-addition with courses) Ironically a good shorts video like this are awesome I used them for deadlifts, as I don't enjoy watching a full 8 minute video, and it's super if you realize how moment by moment reality can unfold...., especially when you lift and yearn for feedback and notice some aches and pains, and nobody really knows his stuff around you. https://www.youtube.com/@DavisDiley/shorts Anyway, hope this helps nobody actively shares anything anymore besides in groups for events etc. The stuff is to conscious to not almost "force it" upon them. If I would share a video in the past for example spiral dynamics which I thought would be perfect, it turned out to be oh interesting, I gave my best to understand, but I don't really get it and we talked a bit. Yet no further engagement, still there are I bet man self-improvement types of TikTok/YouTube Short practical takeaways. I presume introducing a YouTube short would not hurt to much and does not require an editor by the format of actualized.org. I watched so many videos from you, sometimes even a snippet is to much and a short would do well, and I would go back to videos, if I feel the depth is missing etc. Hopefully, this serves well as an idea. Many use insta & TikTok with shorts. I could see YouTube shorts beign within your style still. I dunno especially seeing a bald dude, well-dressed in the same video format gives... contrast... and certainly can be good clickbait and might help more people to uplift themselves than you'd consider, especially using Shorts&TikTok.... I don't have TikTok, so I dunno about this idea fully. 1 minute well selected from your content imo can be more worth than the 2-3h. I legit barely see anyone sharing anything that is longer than 15 seconds to 1min, as well as mostly memes, events and day to day stuff is shared... and most likely the sharing of videos is even shorter, yet that is I presume the most toxic content. 7 second vine type videos, even if they are funny etc. https://thesmallbusinessblog.net/youtube-shorts-statistics/#3_100_Million_Funding_on_YouTube_Shorts_to_Pay_the_Content_Creators_on_The_Platform https://www.statista.com/statistics/1372569/tiktok-video-duration-by-number-of-views/#:~:text=Small accounts produced videos of,as of the examined period. It's really good moment by moment content imo. (Obviously depending on content)

Shamanic breathing session Time: 20 minutes (last session was 30 minutes) Shadow material: Produced a *ugghhhh** type of sound when breathing and they lessend due to having slowly moved into it self-healing in that sense is powerful, I had full blown kriyas, so I know my stuff I stopped the session as to not get into something to deep as I noticed this deep self-control spectrum More energy that I could not really control reminded me of my kriya experience a couple years ago and it's pure joy about existence, also so not really shadow, I learned from the experience a lot. Golden shadow: Going with more advanced theory unsure if they come to fruition here Going to be wary of them I intutit lower self -> higher self purpose transformation, especially subtle energy this is how it feels Had a huge grin on my face after the session, as I loved my old higher self for beign disciplined and self-controlled Ngl I for sure got a kick out of making the hottest girl in class blush fully red, as she noticed the depth of my persence Ideally healthy self-control of dark masculine traits? (warrior etc, especially and king archetypal stuff) Process: Breathing near my scar gives a very odd experience, it feels like a smooth jagged ocean wave when the breath deepens Unsure if I am breathing correctly, I might record myself and compare it with Leo's take as I use his stuff the, other is to technical right now to learn and implement asap 30 minutes was to much today without guidance I would not go as deep currently Contrast to 3-2-1- process Feels less identity based and more energetically based, so the changes are not based on direct contact with the "encriptions..." of society. Stronger energetic component smoother integration instead of this constant identity shift with 3-2-1 and how fast I change with this, it feels subtler, yet not as effective, yet I get more to energetic type of shadow material, which is buried gold apparently

30 min meditation themes during the sit. (I could sit for a couple of hours) Python Coding & Other Projects University Papers Mathematics My Aunt Compassionate gaslighting Gut & Brain & Heart Synch, as I stopped coffee Mundane stuff Rules I integrate in this journal Image and denial of defending an image even if you don't care Gratitude journaling! Big love here! Higher & lower self (post-meditation) Yin&Yang theory, especially stability Guilt & family These were the topics I had ruminating while I went through various techniques, what I feel is that the value of clarity might be the biggest motivation, as I took the cannabis hit on my birthday I notice damn, I never contemplated the perfection of design and beauty that deeply, and somehow it resonated the most with clarity. This also in the real world gives me more of an anker feeling. The drawback is the lack of self-motivation and habitual patterns that emerge out of it. A good birthday "sprint workout" would have been more self-motivating, as an EQ concept. To not make this to long. I give a brief re-connecting No action needed currently I have stuff Action will be done, I picked out 2 papers that I can read confidently and is NLP based (secret passion) Interesting and more practice time management and boxing Forget her she seems to not realize how she is contributing to bad mental health and just rides on old negativity and old images Notice this more leave the person, it's a fake kind of strength, if vulnerability present okay Awesome! ---- Shamanic breathing journey (inner child wording) Confused here Thy be done! Synching! Slowness into stabillity keeps toxic girls away apparently, and toxic feminity, the other concept fast as masculine principle is interesting. I thought it would be to "beta" instead of beign it a masculine principle Confused as how to work through guilt besides not denying the feeling and feeling through the pain of it. Doing shamanic breathing then posting about it. Gratitude Journal: I am thankful I value efficiency instead of effort now more and I enjoy how detail oriented it can feel and the clarity I create I am thankful and grateful the sun is out today and I feel healthy masculine energy I am thankful for the match with the beautiful girl who is a elementary school teacher, according to new book this is 10/10 possibillity I am thankful no one get's into stage wars with me, without doing the work and actively thinking about it, it's rare to find someone with a shared mastery interest and not just theorizing I am thankful I will do shamanic breathing and report the session as well as that I am building muscles again and the strength, health & vigor I feel. ?? I am thankful for feelings of love and joy and enthusiasm. I am thankful for every girl that can realize how difficult it can be for a man to get a girl today, and for every girl that values her beauty internally and externally, as well as sporty girls liking me and enjoying my presence and company.

If you enjoy books I can recommend the no starch series of learning python. It helped me to prepare for a university course the themes have been similar, although the exercises from the course where way to advanced. It has a good intro and exercises. They also have projects and exercises in the series about Python. Also how to deal with mathematical questions and an intro to this. You can upload it to GitHub presumably...leetcode is also a tool I was recommended for data-structures and problem solving. Codecademy has also new professional certificates for developers that can be bought for a more affordable price. Real projects is what recruiters look for I talked to a career advisor this week. I am a bit skeptical. If you can get any work experience/internships. I did one at a research institute even drop by and say hello, this is worth it more than any possible course online. Real world experience and coding projects. I was a bit unfortunate in that area, yet I might find something soon, through the advisor. There are also now many students who work remotely as work students offers and get experience that way via LinkedIn. Might be a bit of extra effort. He said I was setup well, I doubted him and he pointed out some small mistakes, projects with companies is the best you can get in terms of experience/internships etc. Sorry if this sounds jumpy. Upload code to GitHub (tutorials even it's all good, most don't do this) Internships Codecademy professional certificates LinkedIn remote students work No Starch python book series Leetcode (I will use udemy currently) If you can have the option for an advisor who can help you apply take the opportunity and he/she can help with painpoints and doubts.

Back from gym I pushed 130kg with the olympian bar, I did not look. I can see many potential errors, with stuff the value of efficiency more internally rooted than externally consumed via books, is also a huge game changer, although my attitude has shifted. Coffee is by far the worst ancy agitator I ever consumed, I am way more conscious of what I am doing with my nervous system and the green tea, and drinking tea reminds me of clarity and energy, health and vigor more than other stuff. With this I can also take pictures for dating deadlifts I might injur myself, if I don't focus on form for 100 reps approx +- and or do a starting rep. with 10x in clean format. Every session might be the most efficient for practicing spaced repetition, I wonder if this works for muscle memory. Ironically I saw what I yearn to do and co-operate with for a potential thesis, yet I presume the more clarity I had some insight regarding compassion and gaslighting and upholding the image. I did not pay attention to some synchronicities. The creatin boost is also evident for me. I did not know this was so healthy apparently to take. I keep hearing for what ever reason the name Andrew Tate, I did not watch any videos consciously about the guy, I did not even watch a tiktok of him just some random news etc. Yet it has become such a projection phenomena it feels like I created it. The more I get into the idea of self-control I somehow can realize how I created this phenomena and him, I am not at a spiritual workout level again. My form is not as clean, yet I see the limits and maximization points now a bit more clearly. The mastery book by Ralston was also really good. Clarity distinctions More evaluative thinking for higher cognitive order strength and weaknesses Be wary of compassion manipulators who yearn to validate their worldview Ask my friend yu why I feel he is so psychological dominante even in a weak position, it might be simply self-control and stability and clear distinctions I am acting way more slower (feminine yin) and notice that I gan stability (masculine yang) I notice how I could erode bias in me sexually, as I do this mostly for clarity I'll keep some secrets about dating, as I intuit how there is going to be some level of greenification. It should be good the more masculine I am healthy the more I can step into feminity, toxic feminity also seems to more away automatically than, I notice how many girls are attracted to dark masculine traits. The patterns are more evident. I can soonish push also some of these pictures when I have a strength lvl of approx. It's unfortunate I have a lot of strength in my legs I could easily pull a 150kg max rep picture for squats now. I did 130kg with 5-7 reps. For efficiency sake I have to focus very hard on the right form and I might plateau for a while to prevent injury, yet I notice muscle memory is pretty overpowerd. I keep contemplating evolution and survival I had a huge backlash into Green as I yearned so badly to get into some greener city and have the "green animal german" experience. Nothing ever happend I had to function at Yellow and pure survival.... I notice this etc.

I'll head to the gym and give a brief taste of how I feel. I notice how a lot of power abuse and gaslighting brought me to my toxic behaviour and the "hyperresponsibility attitude". I notice beign more gentle & chill is better. I give a brief report after this and then I am fully out sticking to rules till my birthday ends.

I did some stuff completely wrong and not as concise as I did listen to my intuition a lot and was skeptical about buying the course as pure intuition unbiased gave me so much guidance, I disliked even the tiniest notion of XYZ, yet I definitely could be more open. The refinement of these values I do after the math exam, I pick & choose I contemplated these for so long. Don't get me wrong, I did do all of the exercises, I just might remember how lethargy and apathy and the gut intuition I had there prevented me from doing some exercises, especially as I was very dejected because of the group work stuff and I bought the course as I made a mistake. Some motivations might be off. I'll definitely will do a larger review. I did not know that I did a couple of mistakes by not beign concise enough, I do have this issue due to fear and shame, and beign hypersensetive at times to this. Which lessened dramatically, as I have more confidence. This is the new list. At which tier does this value function for me? & Stage Consciouness & Awareness TIER 3 states, teal+ most of the day actives besides stress Clarity (TQ but hard), Teal, Green, Excellence Orange, Yellow Health/Vigor/Energy Red,Purple,TQ,Green ( I tend to have struggles with orange types of energy and rational energy) Knowledge/Learning/Understanding Yellow, (TQ if self study), Passion/Enthusiasm TQ,Teal,Green Productivity/Efficiency orange,yellow Self-Control/Temperance (emotional mastery) -> anti-stress, stres deepening! Not pain, stress! Love/Romance/Intimacy Beyond time&space TIER 3 notions a lot of gone, unfication, teal+!!! Big. & Green relative love.... also. Progress/Mastery Blue & orange it's such a heavy cultural pull-down appreciating Green/Yellow structures is insane. Pure yellow feels to isolating. Yoga and zen retreat showed me how TQ mastery could look like, especially zen. It was very nice seeing the interconnectivity of mastery for example from a physics guy chinese, who did taichi & zen meditation and spoke 5 languages or so. The energy of mastery was extremely high. I'll call it this. Reprogramming my subconscious mind with these values and their meanings. After the math exam a bit more extensively, I see more organically how they'll unfold currently as they are replaced from and by. Most simple answers. Freedom&Autonomey - Self-Control/Temperance. Why eudaimonia. Penetrating reality Adventure Passion/Enthusiasm. Why I love life. Playfulness & Spontaneity Productivity/efficiency. Why? Moving forward and seeing and minimizing/maximizing is fun. Connection to self-control. Bravery & Courage Health/Vigor/Energy Why? I don't enjoy the hidden fear in courage, and vigor and energy I find I enjoy so many facettes of it. Cold Shower energy etc. Honesty Clarity Why? I enjoy the cleansing feeling of creating it and it reminds me of design and creativity. Connection Progress/Mastery -> I love the feeling of seeing a project and myself in an area move forward and to track progress and see the stepping stones Personal growth Exellence I do an alternative exercise (higher order thinking from the LP while I am eating and preparing these dovetail also well in more deeper inner child emotions of abundance, innear wealth, timelesness, abillity to control, imagination etc. As well as my early twenties and teens, I notice especialyl how health and vigor are values I have from my grandma and I enjoy the survival of health/vigor/energy in a masculine energy spectrum etc. I'll do a deeper review after the exam. I do have to make the sheet again, and I have other stuff to do. Why is clarity meaningful to me (10 items briefly) Clarity I love the feeling of cleansing inner frictions and how they are manifested outwards I love the feeling of working through a problem and having the aha! moment I love the inner feeling of freedom I have and sanity above rationality, be seeing reality for what it is and not by any conception I love the feeling of creating relative clarity and alternatives I love the feeling of clarity in my room and workspace, I just never created a value out of it Clean air, full hygiene, professionalism rooted in perception and not identity Deeper state of beign clear and how it cuts through the illusion of identity Clarification and feelings of creating clarity through reason and logic -> classification and deep deep knowledge aha's! That feel like they stay forever and echo through eternity The feeling of cleaning my room and buying items that create clarity, not "category and judgement" clarity based on perspective shifting, gradations etc. This is how it would go approximately. I would assume by the level of depth I can create, it would take me a little more than half a day, and also to ruminate before and afterwards, and then see the integration. I make a commitment to exchange values each year. The deepst one will stay. I build on the LP course. The chunking note-taking and this log-step thinking, I am pretty good at it, due to bias, although I learn the best through it using visceralization This is the depth I am yearning to build, yet I mass murdered myself a bit to much. I don't have the time to post anything. This was pure luxury, I don't at times can appreciate what I did and what I yearn for. This is better, I do progress also so I have some level of download available. Progress I love the feeling of integration and seeing I have fully learned smth. and I can repeatedly do it over and over again I love the feeling of putting in deep work and seeing how 1-2h went away and I realized oh I made progress! Correct and incorrect one I love the expression of progress as strength in the world for the good of humanity at higher and lower altitudes. Progress at altitude teal emotions, especially I call it teal emotions. Joy, Enthusiasm. Love. I love the feeling of etc. etc. This is a lot more accurate. Than what I did before. As well as a bit more accurate what Leo said in the course. I'll do a proper Leo bout also, when I am done with the exam etc. This is fundamentally it. To give a taste.

It legit was not even cold and I turned it down, oh yes..... damn I forgot how I got my bachelors also... I never also did cold showers and coffee I could take more care of quality in that sense, yet that cold shower felt so refreshing. I would ask Ralston if I could how could I maintain peak states, if I would imagine his answer as if (high cognitive order thinking). -> Train longer in it was it it to it? -> Produce the state from scratch more often -> Use what got you there!

I wonder if Wim-Hof would ever get stressed. I was also never stressed in China just mind-fogged which I don't have anymore since beign out of China ironically.

I also would have free range to test DMT, especially the self-control and possesive type of experience I had, which was open and inviting, I lack better terms to describe it. I really yearn to take consciouness to some level of mastery, yet I don't quiet comprehend how this is so wavery and how being in doing matters more than doing in beign. I will not do DMT, it bothers me to much I did not change value and did not construct challenges a bit more intuitive. Where I do stretches at night/evening to get into a position for deeper meditations, as I still sit in a chair, and the issue with scar and pain digestion, when I contemplate synchrodestiny, it's imporant to keep this in mind. This should also dovetail with deeper training, Basically what I will do is: Cold Showers/Constrast Showers Limit coffee intake to outside of house and only socially Look for ways to keep nervous system more calmer with nootropics New routine, when stuff works out move to stretching I just changed the work out to 4 days a week. See how this goes. Keep it simplified. I take one shower now after the next coffee and meditate to get a taste of it again.... I did this in China I would not have survived mentally with all of the b.s I notice by touch,sight sound etc. Let's see what this will be. This is the best idea I had in years and I simply did not know. The anti-meditation stances as it seems anti-climatic, to success these changes are so small within 2-3 years and continuing it shows such ripe fruits imo, I am amazed by how difficult it seemed for many to maintain a practice like this for even a month or so. Internal changes are usually the deepst. I'll drink this coffee then, do the cold shower and meditate and do the value change... this is still the deepest discipline I ever created where things were more intact, it took me so many moves to get into a place where I felt more inclined to be at this peak, and continue to get to peaks, so the peak finally sinks in and stays a peak. I was to ambivalent about how often I'll climb this mountain, so to speak and how enjoyable this exellence usually is with ressources etc. I also did not think my lethargy could have been due to muscle recovery, this is also a point that I did not take into account, that the regenerative process just takes to much of a toll. I miss creating exellence in my life 100%. I keep 3 values and exchange 7.

I am drinking one birthday coffee, as to simply enjoy the feeling and savour it and be greatful to even have something like this to drink. I'll do the value re-assesment fully after this with a deep meditation session, as I do have to see how to deal with the feeling of weakness due to injury and the value of health. How strongly I can build inner strength and not only persevere. I notice how enthusiasm and passion generally yearn to let me move and go outside and explore the world, as well as how mundane and prosaic life feels without any substances and just beign "high" on life, especially with only exercising this was so beautiful. I notice how usually life and time is working out for me, generally speaking. As well as I have right now less fear, when I am even less on any substances. Regardless what it is. What bothers me is how much values change, as well as goals also! I'll do this with only a 30 minute meditation session, due to drinking coffee and just time constraints. I notice how important it is. As well as how I generally feel better. What bothers me is the coffee addiction and happiness dependent on conditions thing. What does the value of clarity hold and entail? Exellence health and vigor? I definitely feel less anxiety, when I drink less coffee. I did not notice how badly this is evident for me. I do get a cognitive boost, yet what I notice deeply is how deeply mastery runs with self-control and I did not notice this, I might change this value for clarity as these coincedences are just to much and clarity. Is something that I fundamentally create out of self-control?? I don't know how personally deeply this runs for me. I notice how deeply I feel the feeling of clarity through strength & self-control and how these values would have been partially so good. I learned to enjoy plateaus also, especially of coffee I notice this, yet I can't deny the subtle physical tearing when it comes to playing video games etc. My performance dropped significantlly, I can basically only make it up when someone has tremendous inner strength, as well as the partial self-motivation, and allowing to be very femine in a sense by feeling. I notice a lot of patterns here internally, and I feel the videos from Leo will do me well. I either take clarity or self-control. I can still physicall do what I want, and I am of coffee which leaves room for other dopaminergic activites even smaller ones. What I can say for sure is, that I miss HIT exercises immensely as part of mastery and self-control, yet I thought self-control is partially a toxic value. The point is this is all human generated by emotions and fits emotional mastery, someone gave it a name. What bothers me is how I am creating "adaptive mastery" in a couple of fields, yet the focus on one thing without self-control, clarity and order as values for example are tricky for me personally. I could take freedom entirely out, and just admit fuck it it's self-control, freedom is a value where I yearned to be independent with skills, yet I did not follow through with it to much. I might take freedom out and put self-control and clarity in, as well as I called it autonomy, autonomy is nothing, but self-control fundamentally. I see also the issue of principles first thinking emotionally ever since musk.... turned more right, and the shaolin monk from my region suddenly also gained traction with a super liberal academic werdegang. This is something what surpised me that he gained so much traction, as he had the exact potential of it I would feel it if I see him, I feel I lost this, due to some inabillities I wanted also to learn a bit from this guy, I just could not due to injury. I was way to naive about how important changing values is. I changed everything besides strengths and values. I also have tremendous issues with the strengths of teamwork and loyality, due to actualized.org beign so heavily individually focused. As well as potential other strenghts and not doing the 2.0 finder from the course. I just underestimated how much external and internal changes go hand in hand. I miss my best friend he and others would be in so much for self-control and this is also so good for other activites like sex that I value and I did get a lot of subtle karmic impression from this. This is fundamentally it. I'll see what comes out.

The oddest experience I had today was how I get this inclincation of how I invented anything and how this is globally imprinted when I watched Ralston, as well as how this instinctively plays itself out as a pattern of self-conttrol how this truely masters, others and myself in that sense and how much sense of control I had, yet Ralston is insane for also knowing I bet this physically plays itself out. It was odd.

Post got lost. I did drink a half a bottle of wine yesterday, and it is my birthday today I did find some cannabis that I knew I still had and smoked the scuff of a bong hit, which made me psychdelics so aware of reality how heavy hitting perception is in terms of how intense it can be and how strong that "psychological dominance and stabillity" is in a sense, yet also how wavering it is based on skill/knowledge/wisdom. It's a bit of a joke how strongly this was activated. I had some rougher contemplations this morning, where I noticed I wasted an immense amount of time, and how foolish it was to smoke so much and generally all the planning, yet then I contemplated my american family history, as my mother does not remember as much it is often the more conscious I am the more she suddenly remembers and a good spirit. It's odd. I did not know that there was serious substance abuse in my extended family as my other cousin, yet this should be my cousin once removed apparently this is called or tante zweiten grades. It's actually a girl also. I dunno what to think about this I thought about all of this stuff, my mother told me I am very open in contrast to my father. We barely talk etc. I definitely underestimate Leo at times for his kindness. I noticed this also to late. This is mostly it. I don't know how well to put this into words, yet it was a subtle realization that I had. How much time I wasted and how deeply and cleanly I lived me life where I did better in so many aspects, and enjoyed the improvement of it more. It's odd to notice desire again, and channel it and not still it with coffee in a sense.

I ironically bought and have this. I am doing cold showers also again, as well as I can. This was my original vision for my masters, they even partially do this stuff, so people can build themselve more and uplift themelves. This is also the second post of the week I did not go to the gym. This is ideal as I am forced to eat less meat. I was a bit worried as I talked to my aunt and she gave me this looser spiel, that I don't enjoy and I don't know why she feels like this. I talked to my mother about my father and see more of how I can let go more and be more playful as well let's say passionate and not as serious, as this is something I did not know and also the type of trauma my father received is similar to mine, so I wondred etc. I am drinking one to two glasses into my birthday, and will just do this last step and see if it'll work out. As well as I can ask more question when I do the trauma work to work on myself with this, as the psychotherapist had to little info to work with stuff that included my father, as I simply did not know and I must have pocked something, as I do have some resemblance apparently with seriousness. I hope this will workout. I am a bit worried. I will most likely not interact with my aunt and my father, simply because it's not that great at times Second and last post of the week in terms of "random posting" and thinking. I am apparently very different from my father at times stuff just resmbles, yet I notice how hard I've been pumping a lot of healthy masculine energy the last years, it wonders me how people see me as masculine I legit could loosen up more it gives me more room for creative type of mastery, game also just shocked me etc. I am drinking two glasses of wine maximally three due to all of the information and knowing how strongly I craved dopamine etc. It's just more evident that I need to take care of anything that seems dopaminergic to much. Be more chill. Similar to my rampant posting, it shocks me the similarities my behaviour can take similar to my fathers, and I never enjoyed this and it triggered me as I know the deep healthy red behind it, yet I am apparently 10000000000000000000000% more ambitious than my father. That suprised me. I can only get so much intel for trauma work, reaching out before I get some stuff handled will be tricky, yet I'll most likely do it to heal myself and yes you how is happy st*u. You contributed to all of this. First curse will abbrevations be censcored yes totally! So yeah I hope this will all be working out and I get back to the more chill and deep work where I can handle the insane melancholy pain... Last post of this week to stick with my rules.

Rules are activated by the post. Badum! First post of this week! This guys girlfriend is super sexy doing yoga for 90 minutes while he mixes some chill stuff. I am off to the gym. --- Drinking one more shake. This is for pure self-motivation and yes I am giga scared of failure and the track at 47:00 approx is so good called NEXV002. I ditched the coffee it's to anxiety provking and I'll use green tea, if it was also purely a b-12 lack the irony of all of this, as I lived vegan/vegerterian and could not differentiate properly. So I am acting on the health insights I drew from perosnal experience and the new information I have about my father, just makes it even more evident. I did not even know he cheated like I swear how much information they withhold that I'll contemplate about and I have issues with girls, and they guy does not talk. What a scumbag, I swear at times. My mother was cheated on twice, it's incredible I know why, yet I don't like to boil it down even further. At this point I knew why I choose early to not hold my father as a role model, it's insane the "gaslighting" of both sides etc. First post of the week after rules apply. I am out for now my nervous system should be even more cleaned due to coffee just making things worse and me practicing shamanic breathing etc. I'll still drink one at times, yet I keep at at 3-5 cups per week if I go out maximally. To not cut myself of socially dude I was hammered by how much coffee they drink here. It took me a while to enjoy this guys music. I am again out, I find these dub-techno mixes excellent and I bet he is one of the few who has mastered this, by the amount of mixing he does etc. I hope this will I help. I'll still drink some caffeine in the form of green tea, and ditch the l-theanin then and see what is missing health wise. No coffee anymore! Even caffine due to my nervous system. I am to antsy. As well as I can digest pain better.

Rules for my own journals on actualized.org: I shall not curse without censcoring myself I shall not spend more time than 15 minutes per post maximum, 30 minutes+ for deep post! I shall not post more than twice topics that disclude mindfulness&consciouness and psychdelics I am allowed to post about daily meditations I shall not post about Leo (without scrutiny) and hate on him, yet be wary of the gaslighting emotions who gaslights who? (some patterns re-occure internaly for me - mostly the cynical schadenfreude type of imagery) I am allowed to post daily meditations and impact and inspire others with A.I as my life purpose I am allowed to contemplate the dangers of A.I & Dating & generate ideas, yet not more than the limit twice a week I am allowed to post about shadow work and inner workings and health as well as mental health I am not allowed to post & randomly delete journals like every week, maximally once a month. I am allowed to post about my shamanic breathing journey without limitations Gratitude journaling without limits I am allowed to post about my gym sessions after each session, this was one of my main passions and I love sharing it. Those who do not obey these rules within my journal are blocked I shall not listen to others who do not respect that I am not perfect and I can break rules Every cursing I consciously notice I do 10 push-ups Some cursing is allowed, yet only censored One cheesy edit allowed per week only! Self-Control = Mastery! Purpose of this journal: Actively integrate the values above and act more in real life Letting go & escaping some of the toxicity that I witness offline Practicing excellence and embodying it more deeply in real life with mastery, health and enthusiasm especially Contemplating these values till they are exhausted Self-Motivation Gratitude build up -> better relationship to world This is it. It will still be a massive challenge. I am definitely stopping playing with chances the knowlege in mathematics is to important and I was to lazy to work deeper here, and to much fear out of stuff that is still denied even here, as due to power and social games and I react at times negatively to this to much. The most important stuff I underlined. I'll focus more quiet time on studying this is one chance I have, and I definitely shall not miss use it in anyway and I'll post-pone the lecture about machine learning I miss to much mathematics. I also just forget stuff I don't practice with interleaving more, often and basic mastery then etc.

So this will be different. 100% different and I hope I can finally run some game, when I get a working students position and generally I have a support now for getting a job and he showed me some mistakes and said I am setup pretty well, he can't exactly pinpoint as to why besides some smaller stuff, and that the students are generally faster gone and he deals with a lot of IT. This gives me a lot of motivation for exellence I hope I can re-iterate the values in 1h tomorrow and not sit to long with them. This is a mistake I have been doing. The b-12 lack was definitely evident. I also can fully focus on my dream now for 1 year. The point is not wasting a single second anymore. As well as the intention I let time unfold for me IIRC. I don't know how I will post in this journal and if I will post a lot. At best I don't post at all. I just leave it here for a random intermittent reward. I might post my meditations and or not and leave others in the unknown I generally enjoy this. I hope Leo brings out and episode about power and how to deal with the subject in a work space, I definitely have an issue with not getting enough exellence&mastery. As well as my reading and intellectual endeavours when I get like 20% more security I am on fire. As well as ice-cold when I finally can do the more technical and complicated stuff I yearn for a lot of peacefulness and quietness. I keep meditating to 963 frequencies. That is my birhtday date almost in reverse... I hope Leo can clarify some stuff, I generally feel some are offended by my "excellent attitude" and I have to tone my intellectualism down. Also I am not the best at academics and I yearn for deeper more mechnical exellence, that is more associated for me with mastery. Overall I'd like to see how close I can get to the expression of these values and their emobodyment in my life purpose. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll study the full day. I can get more exact feedback to this, yet I will be left at the unknown at one point which is typical. Health-wise I have some ideas. I'd like to post once a month as this structure did help. As soon as I am getting 50% more on mastery, I am close to getting into more spiritual endeavours and tracks back again, with dating this time, and proper feedback I have to see what is possible. All in all this is fantastic news I thought I am just an idiot, yet I did get some experience, the point is I find Leo has the issue of not fitting the "player professional corporate ladder" advice, as he is so against it, and I am so afraid of solo business, I definitely need someone who did both for a bit longer. So I can keep this spiritual etc. I am playing some chess, then hitting the gym, then I hope all will work out well, and I will work like an animal. It's so good when I meet gay people they legit are a social glue for me where I feel a lot of pain and power points. I dunno these pattern also of meeting men who's father died and all of these synchronicities and love are insane..... I don't know how to up my social eq without theory. What does an excellent life look like to me? What clothes do I buy? What do I wear, what is my behaviour? Where can I get excellent feedback? What defines exellence etc. I will channel this into mathematical and coding endeavours now as much as I can and do proper planning and focus on creating exellence, I am very happy and positively surprised that he told me that I am setup well. I hope he can continue to guide, me and he is more than willing to meet-up and give feedback. I love it thank you man! Going hard, also at the gym I am doing deadlifts at 70kg-90kg and 90kgsquats (110 with bar). I will definitely value strength when going out, I hope Leo finds some ressonance points and shamanic breathing will heal stuff. I feel I can go a bit crazy to heal myself here, like a shaman in the forest or so. I hope this will workout, and I see the danger of beign here more clearly. As well as I get more excellent feedback. Hopefully and find something I definitely will stop wasting time. Also the concept of self-motivation and EQ of this in this journal and the social benefits etc. of this will be quiet important. This will fundamentally be it. I hope stuff will workout and I make it work. As well as go into this last bout of hardcore studying otherwise I don't know anymore. Basically only mathematics for a month for a very deep foundation I make to many mistakes.

Yeah, I uncovered a whole pack of new values from becoming and functioning fully at construct aware and teal+ mostly at Yellow/turqouise as my Turqouise does not get along with Green and I regress to Yellow as I get bored with the perspective a lot, they don't like it that I draw so many connections and become overwhelmed generally and lack the insane curiosity generally and open-mindedness of Yellow. I basically grew during these 5-6 years during ideal times almost to full turqouise, yet I am mostly stuck at Turqouise/yellow & Yellow/turqouise having to work on integrating lower stages (which I even did during these 6 years immensely). I did two Wilber courses and consumed so much this was my main focus on these 5 years, I noticed now I started to late even then, and that I need to change values drastically, as so much changed for me even just by exploring my own stupidity. I noticed when I did some breathwork today, that there are some held up traumas that deny, bodily joy, energy, positivity and even the vibration close to smth. like enlightenment, if you ever exercised so intensely and felt something beyond peace... I would not know how to describe it else during exercise and practicing smth excellently besides pure creativity, dao, ego transcendence, "god" etc. etc. Connection feels like a burden, as I see it more intellectually and I did some slight mistakes, Leo also said it's fine as I sometimes am rigid with structure due to fear. I was Green already at 10 or so, as I had a super liberal upbringing, and I notice now how that caused some trauma and neglect of lower stages like blue and red even. I am also quiet soon done with exhausting Yellow I notice. I can't stomach more models without moving into my body more deeply. I also had a regress in these years for one year approx. to just something below Teal it felt to me. I re-assessed values so often, I do have to see what rings true emotionally the most I find currently honesty and connection are such cliche values and due to life circumstances I don't appreciate them as a "direct" capital V value. Connection I noticed this value is based on trauma and conditioning, as I re-assed my values the last 2-3 years and honesty is something so fundamental to me, I don't need it as an explicit value and see it expressed mostly in mastery, this gives more drive for self-motivation as an EQ concept. These values also always end up at the bottom, when I re-adress them and mostly cause me stress when I think about them. Exellence is by far the largest motivatior I noticed I had in my life when I focused on all these drives and stages, and it's also a huge stage orange craving (again referring to Wilbers course here) craving, and I did not even notice I did not exhaust karmic cravings from orange that much based on exellence. My current issue is gettig to TIER 3 and even better career/life purpose positions, as I notice some values that feel closer to home, that are multiple issues, let alone not having a functional Yellowish structure for proper development etc. I simply don't resonate for multiple more "personality theory and typology reaons and trauma reason" on these values and I notice how my entire internal to external field changes just by adopting one of these it's insane. I just noticed as back then, that the drive for exellence even in spiritual pursuits and mastery as well as other values they for sure go hand in hand many of them, I just noticed when I do more refinement of them, the core solidifies and through re-iterating I come closer to how I'd like to enjoy living when I am even 80. I doubt for example the value of wisdom will be important to me, till I am 40-50 years old. I value consciouness and awareness, yet I see wisdom differently, and yearn for more knowledge. I noticed I neglected my yellow & Orange cravings due to to greenish perceptions of stage turquoise, which are still true, yet often lack the cognitive component without this... this is not even possible that much. I change majorly every 2-3 years approx. I am now at the end almost of another 3 year cycle of heavy changes, yet this has always been the case I definitely could change my values every 2-3 years. Connection and honesty are just a given currently, I can't value it at the current level of consciouness I would value interconnection more than connection. etc. etc. When I contemplate mastery, I was to sure of myself that these values would not change that fast, the same with goals. I would also now value union,interconnectedness more than simply the word conncetion, if you catch my drift it's to "society matrix" based. Thanks for replying and just being open to beign reflective. No need to read.

Is it generally adviceable to change values from my life purpose when I don't feel I resonate with them anymore, is this an intended part of the course @Leo Gura? I am unsure if I resonate with two values, as I appreciate mastery and exellence more than I thought, even when I don't perfectly achieve it, it gives me a lot of self-motivation to contemplate these concepts. Any thoughts to this, I would exchange them most likely for the value of connection & honesty, I never knew what to do with these and I could implement them back, when they are more apparent in my life. Is switching values generally good? As I do a review of them quaterly now for a couple of years, and I find the core of it revolves more around mastery and exellence I would even include both and make it 12 values, as these two are just so important to my life and I never considered it that deeply, also to even ask etc. Any thoughts to this? I would change connection & honesty to exellence and mastery, as I do enjoy this more and I feel would give me more the character I yearn to build and strive for, I did the course 6 years ago so obviously I changed a lot, and the value of exellence just became more apparent the better I became at stuff, especially weight lifting and exercise. The value of connection feels like it needs some trauma work, and I already know what type of person fits more into this, if I even contemplate topics like compatible trauma, to go a bit on a tangent.

This is an in-depth view I generally am sensetive to energies I'd say, yet I don't like to make it a "personal thing" and making me special etc. Like some wu-wu yoga teacher. For me it's similar after tripping the body awareness is very high and I can get out a lot of "karmic imprints" I just call it, just casual stuff that triggers me and get more to the roots of this. Reduced suffering immensely like by 50-70% of what I can perceive emotionally as suffering, all the pain and this knot I felt near the heart space & anahatta was alleviated and cleanesd from the bottom up, so it was an odd experience it felt like steam would clean nervous system strands and the tears when I cried was all the smut, that came with the steam. That is the best possible description I can give. I also confused this for the solar plexus chakra, yet that is located lower, after doing some kriya yoga (testing) and it was the anahatta between the breast where the solar plexus is celiac plexus. This was also better than any psychdelic trip I've done in terms of cleansing the body. Also it was completely random with a built-up. Where is this spot out of interest, where you feel pain? I generally can have this when I overfocus on the celiac plexus. That is interesting that you say that it moved like lava, although I can't make a direct connection to a reference, Shinzen does mention this during retreats when something becoems more soft?? I can envision a bit what you mean. I can 100% relate as I "have" a condition called VGP (volitional generated piloerection), so I can generally create goosebumps as well as tune into my nervous system instantly and vibrate and create a state, also the new Ralston book explains that this is a possibility to instantly create a state and that it does not occure to most. I can 100% personally relate to becoming a vibrator lol, especially on higher energetic states, be it working out, even video gaming etc. Listening to music, I am very sensetive to this. The massage gun analogy is funny, it would be interesting to measure something like this. There is plenty of science here for psyches, I dunno maybe you find something there. I can relate from personal experience, yet I never had an contrast between thickness and density of space in that sense mostly for me it evaporates. Even during meditation retreats and I move into space. I feel the thickness mostly within me. Would be cool if someone measured eletric skin conductivity etc. of psychedelic states similar to what they do with meditation etc. https://imotions.com/blog/learning/research-fundamentals/gsr/#:~:text=Galvanic Skin Response (GSR) is,arousal and other psychological processes. (Randomly found this...) Meditation does some changes to this skin conductivity, yet I have this info from an audiobook. All good. I am changing things up, as always .

It is interesting that you say, that as I just ordered B12/B-complex due to feeling slugish and beign forced to eat less diary products due to injury. At the time I had a massive breakthrough on 1-P LSD and I must have taken B-12, as I lived vegan/vegeterian during that time. I generally get subtle "animalistic" vibrations, on LSD and it often shows me how I treated my body overall, emotionally, sensually, energetically and mental energy wise. If I go by mind&body conncetion. (I did a lot of retreats micro-retreats and a zen retreat afterwards). This is re-creatable with a little bit of effort. Dunno if it's adviceable, I did a pure inquiry and do-nothing type of inquiry. About nature & intelligence. I also had a lot of "pain", yet I was focusing on digesting it and then simply let go. Had a taste of consciouness I presume (the ox) & was almost pulled into it. I never had more clearer disctinctions that are so vast in that sense, I lacked better questions. The vibration generally feels like this from inward to outward, depending how altered my state is. https://psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Drifting I had a full natural clearance of celiac plexus/solar plexus during a weekend meditation retreat with a solid IIRC 6 month build-up 1h meditation and possibly some other micro-retreats (18h - 14h meditation scheduled over the weekend). After this my body feels lighter till today, and it was mostly pain and everthing possible contracted. (I did not take anything and was clean during the retreat) Basically right here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celiac_plexus#/media/File:Celiac_plexus_coronal.png The pain was evaoporated into dust, and Shinzen told me these are kriyas and they happen, and are not a sign of progress, they just happen to not make a thing out of it. It felt awesome till today, I have a less needy and cleaner vibe imo. No idea what the vibration is on DMT, I had a completely different alien/digital type of phenomena that was to odd to describe and to edgy to put into words, besides saying something digitized my brain... I generally would say the micro-vibrations and vibrations in general also sound changes are different perceptions of consciouness that you experienced in real-time during, while your consciouness state was altered and moving in different altitudes... I am unsure what you mean with central nervous system, I am not a doctor, when I Google it's located at the brain & spinal cord. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/central-nervous-system#:~:text=The central nervous system (CNS,is the body's processing centre. I would say you generally most likely did digest thousands of "karmic" imprints... and samskharas (mental patterns and the habitual mind), and touched something. When I had the natural release I thought "I" the ego would die and I generally cling on to things, hence the pain I figured, yet ultimately I don't know... Hope this feedback does somewhat help. (sort of breaking my silence for this one post that I am gone, yet this is quiet important and just to coincidental, as I just ordered b12 today due to getting back to a similar level of routine where I had the breakthrough and I figured what was lacking oh b12!)

How much of this saying is true that if I am in alignment with my life purpose I'll attract more girl? I feel as if I am brainwashed by society partially on the matter of attracting girls and turned into niceness for the desires of others partially, as well as man of my friends are not as masculine as c.s majors it's an extrem form of "beta" niceness and I notice this also in the observations of some professors andd the subtle grooming of girls turning men into blue pill alphas for their own "survival mechanisms" which is just damaging to many men and causes this pedestalising thinking, which I have difficulty noticing at times, and has nothing to do anymore with respect. Just thinking and acting hierachically and in an unholistic way, and focusing on alphas and betas of survival in that sense. I just feel it's constantly an excuse to be "high value" with beign elite, I get a kick even out of this a lot. Still I enjoy a lot of feminine sides, and to be playful, yet my humour is barely appreciated as I have been discriminated a lot and a lot still have an equality bias that is worse and creates inequality by for example colorblind racism, treating all people equally causes discrimination as each one has different needs & desires it's impossible, yet important liberation is what works. I just re-focus on myself and delete alll apps and use career networking to be social and create some stuff and ask some questions here that seem to be bothering me. Especially the equality type of discrimination that feels like I am a socialist beign born to re-create, fuck, eat and sleep and have a family and contribute to the communites good, is a huge hoax constructed by society I notice. Many believe this is our sole purpose imo. The point is my existence partially for them is a hallmark of equality, so no matter where I am at they frame me in this manner and if not I am Andrew Tate, I learned to deal with these projections and harness their power, as it's only about power again and many still hold subtle believes about "race" as a construct when they are acting from an equalities and non-liberated perspective imo. What can I possibly do here? How does a strong life purpose get you girls, how can I be a strong masculine guy without beign shamed into cuckhold equality, that is to much at times there is no polarity and sexuality and feels and acts like an upkissing dude putting girls on a pedestal because of beauty etc. I feel exhausted from this as I can't meet a somewhat normal girl, and a lot are not high quality even if they think they are. Overweight, bad eating habits, barely exercise. I can't get a clear perspective as other men's perspective is even moreso clouded by "evolution & race scientific paradgism & social media" to get valueable feedback. How much does like attract like, this whole evolutionary type of framework and thinking, I find is extreme. The issue is due to injury I lost a lot of high qualty traits, that are now diminished and I just feel existential at times about this, that I feel I at best use the mechanism and the mystery method and parts of it to just create better attraction with girls, yet not pro-create. I don't enjoy this, yet I feel the equality framework causes to much focus on re-creating and family and is unholistic often and causes discrimination. Even when I give my best to attract girls and work on myself a lot just act on surival and re-production and see this as normal, so learning game makes sense, as otherwise you're just an average guy even if high value etc. How does a strong life purpose counter this? When I was more in alignment spiritually as well as work wise I had more girls beign interested in me etc. Yet I feel often that this is only a survival mechanism of elite selection, there barely is any girl with character. I feel more strength in building this as I notice how "low value girls" are acting from this paradgim and disregard self-development and improvment and simply trade based on hypergamy terms, and become dolls in that sense and playtoys. ----------------------------------------------------------------- What can I do here internally? When I was on top my life purpose everything feel more into my lap, yet it's very difficult and I have this pattern in my life often. Should I stop dating and work on internal and external factors? I only had 7-5 meet-ups this year, and I find I am to deep into fields to find anyone that matches, without diving deeper into those fields like. Psychedelics, consciouness work, fitness, coding & a.i technology and networking. I often find myself ostracized based on character I dunno anymore at times who I am as I changed so much and went through a lot and even when I found myself I was kicked-out from it due to injury etc. Any ideas what to work upon? Should I express myself irregardless I got more matches and girls this way, as I was an uncaring asshole that enjoyed his life and still a gentleman. I am not perfect, yet many see me as if I'd project this. Ideas and input appreciated. I am very lost and found more stability, after the doctor said I can't change much and the MRT-scan showed the injury did not get worse, and my workouts are hitting harder. I legit yearn to unite more technology, nature & human interactions, as I find it's one of the best tools to connect nowadays, humans have been at war forever that is also not changing with technology, yet more harmony generally is better. Should I continue to read and self-educate? I become so arrogant, yet I attract more high quality girls even doctor type girls, as I have more "expertise" this seems to counter-act "getting children" notions, as we'd definitely discuss this an an expert. I stopped self-educated, due to be becoming more and more arrogant and I don't know if this was good as I kicked-out less succesful people, and reading causes me to change massively. I read 12 books last year approx etc. I'd like to take more action, yet going out solo I am still ashamed, as I don't enjoy the level of success I have etc. I feel the extremese of single-moterhood parenting and it's brainwashing go to me, and there are some upsides, yet I notice how bad it is, as I don't see and act on masculine cues at times. There is not a single notion about purpose and attracing girls just "go with flow" which is bad imo and beign "authentic" while I only attract high iq and succesful girls with "authentic" as I have a personal resenment with apathy and loser percpetions even in me, that I work the best with etc.... The point is these subtle value judgements and the constantly beign low-key, cool and non-judgemental is getting to me as I lost high quality men points, especially in terms of adventure etc. I find it tricky to deal with hierachies and the advice in these "men groups" focusing on survival & disrespecting girls a lot, yet girls just sleep with the biggest scumbags for whatever reason etc. I lost drive an ambition Health as a re-productive indicator I feel as if it's only about hypergamy if I don't follow my vision and act on it Opportunities for socializing more in terms of sports and a lot of recognition and social factors Self-esteem definitely & self worth while I did even visualizations to counter-act the effects I feel like I don't often get answer for my question and others subtely guilt tripping me instead of beign clear and practical etc. Going out solo and having 0 opportunties for game as it's dead, is an issue nobody does this and many just are pro-creating animals, how to embrace that? I dunno....where and how to meet girls. Social circles are dead and apps are rising bars&clubs everything based on merit & status in a sense. Should I simply continue working till I have the breakthrough on factors that attract girls inside & outside & set dating aside and just socialize with friends even if they are extremely beta and manipulative subtely? I don't have anyone else for them I am masculine etc. Continue reading and self-developing? I miss strong and healthy male recognition for manliness in terms of masculine energy and the attention from girls I do get it from support groups in study rooms, yet I just miss a girlfriend that has a level of normalacy and her hypergamy reduces by ironically equality, capitalism and "liberation" in a sense. When I trust my intuition I change gears every week as I notice more and more problems and the root fixing takes time. With shadow work etc. I somehow do things wrong I never had a girlfriend worked with a psychologist due to the death of a loved one, I can't deal at times with these projections it's like I constantly have to admit I am broken we talked about this, yet I am so fking lost and just getting older. I also develop a lot of self-hatred if I don't attract a girl that is physically at the same level approx. A girl with a deeper character is extremely difficult to find most are just hypergamy driven and act on evolution types of mechanism I feel, there is no character you know one when you see one in that manner.

Doing shadow work the the so called sexist me girl as well as white gay dude and mental health, subjects and health subjects in general where I get loads of projections: 3: It feels like there is a lingering pain in me that sees is unable to make fun of itself and enjoy the roles humans put onto each other as it's all imaginery it takes imaginary stuff for real tangible stuff It feels like there is a side in me that yearns to be playful with girls & teasing instead of full of shit & self-protecting It feels like there is an identity in me that holds me back from sexual depth, and screams goodness goodness goodness like a pathetic wiener It feels like there is this pathetic wiener in me that uses girls and women in a socially accepted dynamic to protect himself, as due to perception of beign a minority can't stand up for myself at times It feels like there is a powerlesness in me that can't deal well with concrete identity and roles, as it notice it's manipulative force and how dangerous selflesness can be It feels like there is fear in me that isolate myself and participate in beign more selfless as I am a beautiful funny and big cock equipped human I neglect my toxic merit side that turns pain into gold It feels like there is an issue with gender at times that I can't quiet put my finger on It feels like the conservative in me is yearning for success and busting through illusions concocted by libreals to have power to not see themselves as loosers within society, as they are unable to wield power mostly It feels like there is a double empathy side in me the truthful liberal who is able to disqualify himself and create openess to explore form and sexuality & the concrete conservative identity that has to play the role of socialist pro-creator to feed the masses their pissy soup The girl was a tall seeming goofy type of girl next door, who turned her beauty into biterness instead of embracing it as to the rigorous left-minded step-wise orientation of academia It felt like the girl had issues of beign seen as a looser, I felt triggered by this also recently It feels like the gay guy did not enjoy it that my existence proofs that he has a gay attitude, yet I see this somehow very clearly It feels like I am playing favouratism at times based on selling myself as an expert while noticing possible mistakes that are completely foundational It feels like and plays itself out like there is this painful, shy introverted thing in me, that changed, yet is still just sucking things up at times It feels like a lack of embodyment of accepting the harsh reality truth that I discovered and even going more into ghost mode and accepting these are lies and bullshit and the painful bitterness of girls regardless and or not are interested in taming a player like a wild horse I notice that I don't comprimise on my wild horse qualities and hence even get more alpha girls as I dominate them and they enjoy it, even just via texting I notice how the guy next door in me is a psychopathic sigma male masculine driven servant that is absolutely cold-hearted about his sense of reality and does not comprimise in it, even if it's totally wrong, just to not delude himself I notice how everybody loves this truthfulness in me as they see the purpose of their frustration, HA THERE WAS SOMETHING TRUE I KNEW IT I notice how I have been bullshitting myself on topics of race&social stuff where I can't fully put it out of the equation and I have to play with projections, as people are prone to collectively project It feels like there is an inner need to justify myself as many are curious out of self-gain not out of self-interest and I become resentful to friends a like for their concocted and fundamentally racist opinion, as they just scan their enviroment for believes and group-think etc. 2: Let's converse shadow element, well talk about this and also get the angle of non-black and white 9w8's can we handle that what do you even need? That is a new question I gathered and I can focus on myself partially and not the mental health & health game I perceive humans love to play with their animal status perception and seeking even online, as they don't realize how stuff is constructed. Oh it's another point about social domination based on the stupidity that others can assess group situations better emotionally? You yearn for that? I though you yearn for that? Can't you see the issue of having to deal with people who are having a strong reality out of ignorance as they believe their reality is truth, yet they see just all the lies they constructed. Was this the reason I yearned for silence as well as an empty mind, as well as yearn to realize the construction of reality? As people force identity games onto you for their truth and social domination? What is your gift what are you sharing? You simply notice the emotional forces of social domination, yet you don't quiet get it as instinctively and are not as threatend by it, that is why you emotionally dominate groups as you're more honest with your emotions than 100% of people that you meet, so you have to hold back, still then shadow what do you need what are you teaching me to not turn this into denial? Is it attention & affection? You notice that don't you? That you've been made fun of for beign authentic and that the social dominante side of you could tolerate the self-enjoyment of your vulnerability? You are that intelligent, and you see how especially young kids play games without realizing how disgustingly useless you perceive them for having been granted opportunities, and this generates hate, as you in your reality had to work extra hard and people verified this. Is this the social spectrum you're talking about? You see that some are just naturally gravitating to power, while you denied it out of fear so often, you got a lot of it back in the social & emotional releam yet your professional leadership qualities have been suffering, as people can't at times understand slightly more complex instruction and complex is better than complicated, simplicity is the hardest to produce and everyone loves it. There is also bias there, yet how come this girl situation is triggering you, you had 3 dates riled up this week 3! Some get none, and gaslite and act like bitter bitches, what is up with you feeling it's not enough. Well shadow I am suprised you talk to me with me about this, as I thought this is you, we are not shadow boxing anymore we are dancing and I notice how there have been issues with the image I present as I am multi-facetted as many, and not as boring, the injury just killed new facetted I create remember thick face, this image is untouchable fake, real or not. What do you do notice? Due to injury I attract more lethargic people as they see the gym as lazy activity and just think working is productive. As well as what bothers you with the girl am I the girl? You certainly have moral standards like a girl at times, like you want the perfect boyfriend and girlfriend and even when you get it, you don't enjoy it as you enjoy seeing the mistake, you enjoy having something unique about the girl not something normal. Be it a unique personality and or character. What I notice is the following, shadow the injury costs me energy none the less as energy moves there I don't feel the same anymore let's not bullshit ourselves, you notice how well good energy feels, nature, cycling exercising even then and the stability it builds. You yearn for stability and social domination through stability, yet notice how hard optimizing this is and can be and enjoy the pain in creating it, why do we get triggered by distraction. You're perfectonism my friend!! Ta-Da! We are here again anger and pissed land! Great talking to you shadow I really appreciate the clarity here, can you tell me what you're showing to me, why did the saying to me I am sexist trigger me when I made a slight remark about identity. Who many identity triggers did you go through and work upon and digest? Most likely a trillion, so you make fun of yourself, you just notice you stopped empathizing with girls as you see how painful it was to be heart broken, and you idiot yearned for this as a tragic romantic 4 in the enneagram! You don't enjoy the time wasting initially in this bonding this is fine. (shower break I did not feel to well yesterday, then I continue with this etc.) We are back shadow we are also officaly now of this forum hurray!!! We will go ghost mode!!!!! Hurraaay! Use insight time also and get off the energy that is seemingly not resonating and stop with meditation reports etc. AS well as the toxic new group etc. Okay, we both know now how this work and that these tech companies screw you over. Shadow what are we doing this is the longest session I stretched. What did I just see? Don't hang-out with girls who lost their drive towards feminity bro! You just integrated your animal! It's to move on and work harder. You see these girl don't give an f about your age as you have a somewhat provider and daddy frame to you, the older ones are just laughing because they are a bit delusional remember the good ones like how my mother and also her best friend act, they are not like this you know it and you see how this works mate! What is it now with shadow work? There were golden elements I got utterly distracted ...that your sense of reality is stronger than mosts and you dominate them, as you emotionally dominate and can make others feel guilty. Is there something else you notice? Dude these girls like to be dominated and raw even toxic masculine energy as this has become an emotionally manipulative bitch boy and girl festival without strong feminity and masculinity at lower stages stuff would be lost, that is what comes to mind currently. Can you say anything to that? What is the trigger shadow? Making money? Beign broke? Celebrating yougness and life? While doing consciouness work is that what you crave and need? YES YES YES GIVE ME MORE! Then you have to realize how much balance this takes no? The damage done and the joys are taken out of different places you see to go big, you have to go ghost mode, accept your introversion you see how fking dirty type of sex you get because of this, as many extroverted guys are so boring sexually you feel it in your gut. So what is it now?`Embrace identity sexually as a guy this will cause way more shadow work then you think it will. Anything else bro? This is the most time derivative deprived session I did, what is up with that, you notice how dangerous all of this is, and that you truely took care better this time, yet this forum is a distraction without the work. As well as you gave into plenty of distractions and fixed them. Now it's time to change and reap rewards. What triggered you was also lack of internal abundance most guys would not engage with a girl that acts as if their biological desires are the ultimate truth and undermines your sense of reality, this is not proper brainfuck and intellectual connection and psychological dominance, this girl got to you slightly as she is manipulating with an inferior sense of reality and you know it, and it's dangerous that is why I call it inferior. Green is bad! Not good it's not the stuff we need. 1. I am the one who notices that he undermines his own sense of reality because of a believe in egaliterian principles and notices the issues with this I am the one who is triggered by the notion of identity and gender as a moral harbinger of equality and when this sense of identity is threatend I am the one who notices that the gender wars is an occupation of girls and going by type and personality & vibe and high energy is the solution I am the one who notices conscious girls don't woreship evolution they appreciate nature and animals and the depth of evolution I am the one who is acting insecure around topics of identity and social roles, as they are prone to manipulation I am the one who is noticing that age & gender don't play as much as a role as you think they do, most don't care if you have a strong sense of reality I am the one who realizes having a strong sense of reality and psychology is the most dominating thing possible as well as expertise you are acting as if you're god-like and a god-like spirit has possed you I am the one who realizes the beauty to look up to gods and deities and god-lik moments and feelings I am the one who acts like a sexist type of girl at times I am the one who acts like the guy next door, yet is secretly a psychopath I am the one who realzies the trapped masculine energy in me as well who now has the opportunity to act this out and learn more about it I am the one who realizes age is just a number girls as young as 18-20 like me and I notice how a strong sense of reality is the solution to all of it I am the one who realizes that I might need to engage with my old best friend he knows me the best he just knows my instinct and the devil within me I am the one who realizes being unique and different is having a strong sense of reality and people who try to break that are weak and play of an concrete idenity I am the one who notices that blending in can cause me massive pain of betrayl I notice I have a psychopathic sigma male drive in me as I attract to many vulnerable people and could accept that I am better with alpha males than I originally think I am and these are strong "compatriots" I am the one who notices vibe identity and locality is playfully shifting every second That is it for now. I am out utterly out for some months. I use insight time and I am gone beyond gone from here for now. Till I made some changes etc. Right now focus on career every second spent here is a waste of time. I am going into full unified builder mode with psychdelics I might not be able to push the research end, that I enjoyed pushing, yet I also stopped caring out of my own protection and sense of reality. This is not me. I would if fully functional integrate a robot leg, so I get my functionality back etc. I am out of this. For some months I only will do shadow work eventually here. Not even engage with anything no matter how hot the topic and engage with more real humans and ideas! I am out! Thank you for reading, this will only be a place for shadow work once each saturady and I might even do that online I left the forum from? 2017-2019 or 2019-2021 for 2 years, already once. As I was angry at the type of daily discrimination again, repeat, ignoring and build connect to truer humans and also seek girls who look good, don't kid yourself that you don't appreciate beauty and also care about her. I am out I found stuff to integrate and take some time for myself. No I won't do shadow work here I am just out. I value myself at times to much to just share everything, some stuff is preserved for more real ones, and the ones I'd like to impact, I am moving there more. I'll reach out to some stuff and apologize etc. This was an utterly dark period, and I don't enjoy this without some sauna and a glass of whiskey and a joint, yes full gangster I am leaving bye.