alyra

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Everything posted by alyra

  1. Leo do you have a thought on if members confuse each other? heh. if they do sometimes confuse each other, do you find it annoying sometimes - and in general, when things annoy you, does this lead you to anger? I imagine however, that you do not often see merit in an outburst due to anger or frustration. or do you? personally I enjoy making silly motions with my arms to release energy. in this way I am having an outburst with strong emotions, but this is not harmful to others. hehehe. I wonder if I will pursue non-intrusive means of expressing my strong feelings, or if I will end up pursuing internal methods of preventing external actions. this is under the assumption that there is a me to be external to, of course... but for the time being this is the paradigm I understand using.
  2. I've heard it discussed that there are local limits. that the rules of reality are a phenomena we observe because we are a small perspective looking at a small event. mindfulness work is a way to increase our awareness, which increases our limits. I suppose what a yogi is capable of is very unimaginable for us - magic. what I am capable of now in this moment, is nothing, however - I cannot imagine dying and being not dead. I cannot imagine the wound on my finger to heal within the next day. but if the measurement is large enough - these things are possible.
  3. hello. this past year I discovered that, it is weird that I do not see or hear anything inside my mind. when I close my eyes I only ever see darkness. I know that I do dream with images at night, because rarely, if I am falling asleep or waking up I do see some amount of images, such as a person's face. but, other than that - if I try to picture a person's face, there is no visual thing altogether. while on the flip side - I have heard someone say how their mind's eye is as clear for them as if it were real - closing and opening their eyes is like switching between two tv's - and even, they can do it without closing their eyes! such a thing is unreal to me. I see nothing at all, except what my eyes observe. this is the same with audio signal - though my internal voice is monotone, if I do use words to talk when I think. I actually predominately experience a physical sensation when I think - it is even to the point where there is a subtle, yet distinct physical sensation when I am looking at things in the world, and a strong distinct sense of touch with all sounds - even quiet ones - though I am not entirely sure if with sound it is just a matter of feeling the vibrations with heightened sensitivity. with sight though - it doesn't matter- if it is white or light in color, there is a distinct physical feeling which could be called sharp and painful though it is unlike any sharp or painful feeling I've felt when physically touching anything. and if I look at something black or dark in color - it is a cool sensation, which is kind of similar to the sensation of cool water or a cool basement air. these physical phenomena of senses which my mind experiences when processing internal memory and thought - I assume that this is strange and unusual for me as an individual. do you as an individual feel such things, with your work on awareness? I used to say that I have a sixth sense lol. the sense of information. that when I think of things, well on the one hand when I hold an idea in my head, no matter how I am abstracting it, that abstraction has a size, weight, location, and motion to it which I feel. this is the main physical sensation for me. but there is also a sense of knowledge/information - what it holds. I used to say that anyway, I suppose it can still be said - but that is what I now call awareness, experience, conspicuousness, etc. in your consciousness work - have you become aware of any of these things or similar sensation phenomena - or is this something which is strange for me to experience? best regards!
  4. An important thing that I've learned is - that we are our own teacher. the wise man, the master, the teacher - they can only be a guide to us, as irrelevant to our understanding as words themselves. however as I am listening I am becoming aware of a conundrum. I wonder if I am listening to their words as if they are truth - I am noting that I want to hear the words as the illusion, and experience my response to the words in a way where I can trust that I am doing the work necessary to reach understanding. in a way I am trying to be selfish lol - to prioritize what I am thinking above the rest. but I am also wondering about how I am holding these thoughts as if they are belief. It is so easy to consider how beliefs are low-consciousness and how I could be letting go of them instead. But even so - on a certain level I believe that my thoughts are correct. but this is not the question of the post I assume. What I am concerned with is the question of - what I am believing, verses what the monk is saying, versus my awareness of this situation. In a way they are all the same thing lol - but I guess really the point is, that I don't want to be hearing the first thing that comes along and believing it as if it is true. and maybe the real place where I dismantle the beliefs is not in hearing another person's words - but instead in my actions. that, when I share my words, attempting to say it in a way where I do not hold it as true or false is what is desired. or when in deciding which to do, I am simply aware that my decision is not right or wrong, and the assumptions it is responding to are not necessarily correct or incorrect. but then I am unsure with that too. because making a decision based off of an idea is the behavior that occurs when that idea is held as true lol. but the point is. when I am listening to a person- well it was said by someone, an important thing to do is listen to someone as if they know something we do not. but, I guess really the question I am asking is, how do we reconcile the idea that a person says something we choose to ignore, and another thing they say we choose to retain in our memory and processing. regardless of whether we hold these things as right or wrong, we are somehow giving life to certain ideas and death with other ideas. and I am unsure how to reconcile the life and death of ideas with letting go of "true" and "false". and I am unsure my future steps towards mindfulness while listening, to both the other and the self, but especially the other, which actually is that also the self? grr how to progress with these thoughts I am conflicted.
  5. I am back - sorry. I feel bad for being confusing so I'm gonna make up for it by dumping more of my thinkings onto you! hope this is fun and not annoying do not mind if I sound like I am telling you what to do. I trust that you understand that words are just words, and the understanding you discover as inspired by your experiences is what matters. [1] of course it could be a hindrance. under-thinking is a hindrance too. finding the balance, is what will work best. there is no definite point of balance. a certain point past too much under thinking has enough of an effect to transcend your current level of consiousness on a meaningful path, and a certain point below over-thinking sees the same thing. and all points in between are where the balance is good. but the thing is - the lowest conscious person still develops over time. the highest-conscious person still develops over time. if you feel you need to take a step back from where you are, why not give it a try. [2] but what is thinking? [3] these are one and the same - the illusion of the physical world is the same illusion which contains the mind. I admit the physical world appears with more consistency - and it is true that manipulating it appears different than manipulating our thoughts. if a car hits us we get injured. but how that injury is real to us is the same as how our thoughts are real to us. So how this applies to your questions here - overthinking is nothing more than spending time with reality. It is less pragmatic - but it is just as real. In a way - the world around us is a higher level than our self - so if we want to think about the world, we can go out and manipulate it and see what happens - and we can ponder what has happened and reflect upon in curiously. these are one and the same - just the manifestation appears to differ. [4] I am in my life attempting to find out how to be more directly productive in my surroundings, and spend less time in fantasy lol. I daydream, I think and then pace and think and think and think. I watch a youtube and then watch another and another, or I post in forums until 5 hours have passed. So I am learning how to work in the real world. I guess it just takes practice and time. I guess - if you want to think so much that it takes all your day, find out how to be a mystic in a monastery with a minimal lifestyle to maximize thinking time. Or find a way to turn your time spent thinking into a sellable asset in the market. but if you don't want either of those - then work to learn how to negotiate with yourself, so that you think when it's time to think and act when it's time to act. I am going for that last option hehe.. [5] I recently heard Leo say in a video that when he speaks of the authentic self.. he isn't talking about identity. I forget what exactly he said. so I am going to explain as best I can what I currently understand of the topic. That existence is nondual infinity. and the authentic self is that nondual infinity. In our manifestation, we are finite - so we never become authentic, because authenticity is.. well, infinity. or nothingness. or God or nonduality or whatever you wanna call it. I am that, you are that, the stone is that, our belly button is that. whatever we do in the material world is That, and in this way it is OK however we choose our actions - and reconciling the meaninglessness of infinity with our existence is more or less what pursuit of the authentic self is. As we work to figure it out, we naturally become more at peace, and in being at peace we find more satisfaction in life. Right now you think a lot. work with that - we can't make a big change all at once - it's hard to quit cold turkey. Leo said in a video or maybe in a post in the "aske leo anything" thread, that he still has the monkey mind now all the time as much as before - the difference is that he responds to it on a more enlightened level. (I am paraphrasing) So to work with your thinking and searching for authenticity: experiment, and be mindful, and work to follow where intuition leads you. [6] I have constantly thought my whole life. the only time I am not thinking is when I am asleep. For me my thoughts have naturally taken the form of direct sensation, rather than sound or words... it is like I thought with touch... and so my thoughts were always very much abstract, which meant a lot of information is represented at any moment. this doesn't mean I'm more intelligent or anything I don't think - tho I have had people comment on how it seemed I spend a lot of time thinking, which well, is true, heh. the point is - I definitely "over" think. it got to a point three years ago - where I was thinking so much it was creating a massive anxiety feedback loop, and I crashed and lost everything and hid in my parent's attic doing nothing because I was too afraid to go outside. the defense mechanism? that was - listening to 3-7 streams of music at once, playing 10-hour repeat songs on youtube on multiple tabs. and playing a lot of videogames. I needed to escape my thoughts. maybe thinking is an escape method - no, it is an escape method. but - well, thinking is existence. when we touch the wall, we think it - and that is how we know it exists. so if you feel that you are thinking too much - then work to think less. but what I can say is - when thinking is too much, it will prevent you from eating enough in a day, it will prevent you from cleaning your space, and it will prevent you from succeeding at work. and there's a good chance you will be trying to escape your thoughts. if you have not reached that point - then it is your decision - think less and do more, or do less and think more. I am sure that it is going to work out fine either way - because all we need to get through this world is make sure we can eat enough to keep us alive til the end, and maintain our immediate environment so that we are safe in it. if that requires thinking - then think. if that requires doing - than do. identify your long term goals, and short term goals, they aren't always the same and often compete. we work to find out how to balance those goals - but as long as we get through properly fed and secure in our environment, then we've done a good job of it. it's our choices that determine how that journey manifests. what is authentic for us is going to happen - and searching for authenticity is only working on our self to pursue what we believe is good for us. and If you are here - then you've identified that what is good for you is self actualization. and.. suddenly I feel as if I've said nothing in this post too. hopefully that is only an illusion. well, it is, lol... sorry lol! You said you enjoy to think, so if you mean the same thing that I mean when I say I enjoy to think, and have bothered to read all the things I said, then you appreciated it. and oh! I appreciated creating these words too. OK! now I can walk away from this moment feeling satisfied with what I've shared
  6. from what I understand the authentic self is nondual. reality is nondual. there is no carrying away from reality, nor is there individual authenticity. but then, if there is no difference, what words we say are arbitrary and confusing. so what am I even saying lol. Leo is as silly for wanting to be a monk as we are silly for wanting to be artists catering to a materialistic market. Something which I currently consider often is, how "heaven" is "benefaction" and "hell" is "destruction". that which is heavenly is that which creates, and that is what we call good. that which is bad is that which is hellish is that which destroys. but there is balance in heaven in hell. If I want a spoon, I must destroy the form of the iron ore. destruction begets creation and creation begets destruction. I dunno how to reconcile the desiring of good versus evil tho. that - we want a world without terrorists. I haven't figured that out yet. but I am digressing. wait - what am I even here to say. something about how you're asking about if overthinking is bad. the real thing I can say is that I do not know. I am wondering about the same thing you wonder about here and I do not know either. I just wish to preserve my belief that I am interested in this topic by posting. aren't I a silly! I am sorry if this causes you distress, but I am too much of a monkey to resist posting now. ugh I am sorry! PS. I guess, that doing a lot of one thing has diminishing returns. when overthinking gets past the point where adding more is actually reducing average output.... but where is that point, we cannot measure it except through awareness. pps. and there will be times where the added effort, despite being so inefficient, is still our only way of accomplishing so much work... though I have heard that a person who works overtime would be more efficient time spent if they go home and rest until the morrow. that only in an emergency is it worth putting 20 hours of overtime to get 7 hours of effective worker hours of results. so if it isn't an emergency and we've reached the point where we're being inefficient, it is smarter to take time to rest.
  7. I would assume the very least that could be done is mindfulness work. I am sure there are ways which can create leaps and bounds outside of mindfulness - but even then, being mindful as well would compound onto this exponentially. myself when I first heard of mindfulness, I did not want to sit and do nothing while being mindful - it sounded like torture - but what I did do, from there, over time, more and more occurrences of me spontaneously trying mindfulness during action happened - I would be sitting in the train and impatient, and with nothing better to do try to be mindful and aware, for example. Or when eating candy I would practice and attempt to be mindful. And these occurrences showed me surprising and insightful things. Some which I could have noticed years before but which I overlooked. Others which I had no conscious awareness of until intuition linked the ideas together. My attempts at mindfulness were each their own reward in a way. and so it was easy to continue progressing my mindfulness from there. I wish I knew a good answer to your questions - I do not fully understand the topic you are asking nor the response that Leo has given - so I hope that they have strong direct influence for you. But another thing I could say too - is patience as well. It is clear you are putting forth effort - and finding some answers and new questions - which reveals new layers. You will find the answer I am sure.
  8. reality is infinite. the physical assumption, is what is measurable. but measurable existence only exists in the finite point of view of the measurements. the measurable existence is only existent when measurements create evidence. if measurements are the reality, these measurements (including experience, seeing, touching) are infinite - infinitely local - there are infinite cases of the local phenomena of measurement. only in the local existence does the locality of our awareness exist - in the infinite scale, there is nothing because it is infinite that the local noise is so insignificant it is small. the point on the graph has no dimensions to it - but infinite points create a line. this is the reality we live in - what we believe is physical existence, is nothing but a grouping of local, dimensionless points of reality, pretending to be substance, but there really is no substance. we measure patterns and assume there is a diversification of energy in a field - but we are just projecting something onto what is nothing. when we zoom out we see that there is really nothing. if we zoom in, we find nothingness. except we cannot - because our zoom is measurement, and where there is measurement there is the illusion of the measurable world. our finite experience is only experienced finitely because we are using a finite vantage. this does indeed appear to be a self-fulfilling statement - but, well, yes, that is exactly right. the physical world is only self-fulfilling. the infinite consciousness of reality is what creates the illusion of form - and what is in reality nothing - everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. we care about measurements and death because we are finite phenomena. but the reality is, that we are not finite at all - nor are we phenomena - we are one infinite nothingness. zoom in on what appears to be form and you will find nothingness - zoom out and you will find nothingness. this is the reality. and what spawns from nothing is everything. what is consciousness - we measure things with our tools - but no matter how advanced our tools become - there will always be some phenomena our tools cannot measure - the next infinite layer of dimensionless phenomena pretending to have form. this is what is consciousness - we can measure it better but we will never have it in our measurements. in this way, we know that reality is consciousness and not nothing - consciousness is the dimensionless phenomena which pretends to have form. but even being aware of this idea - is the falseness of the measurable world. our science will continue to believe it has discovered what creates consciousness - and a new question will arise to ask, what is consciousness? a question which our finite tools cannot measure. consiousness, existence, nothingness, measurements, these are all the same nondual thing that gets pointed to in different measurable ways. our physical world is also nothingness, and consciousness. all is as one, this is the nature of the infinite.
  9. I've been in a bad situation myself. it took me about 2 and a half years to get myself out of my hole - to where I am now - and I still need to go out and find employment lol, but I'm gonna make strides in that direction in the near future. I know it now - but 2 years ago? I had no hope generally speaking... it was, well, small steps. I know that in the beginning I found those words infuriating. but they were kinda true - and I admitted that, silently, to myself. eventually, I noticed how I was a little healthier overall than a month before - and I'd note specific examples of improvement. one thing that made a huge difference - was when I realized a successful day was nothing more than surviving it. so I noted down: "to achieve a successful day: 1) brush teeth 2) bathe 3) eat enough 4) tidy up for 15 minutes or so" and after a month I had made it a habit that I did those four things every day - it was almost easy at that point - and this meant that I was now starting to add in a little one day or another - such as going downstairs and talking with ma - or going shopping for food without panicking - or washing laundry AND dishes AND it wasn't 4 days late. hehe! another thing that made a big difference - was realizing, that what was hurting me the most in any moment - was my own thoughts, my own self-bullying. even when someone said something mean to me - I would then repeat it to myself over and over and over until I was depressed - yet they only said it once, and it was me who fell for their lies and believed them - so while I'm not saying that they were fine to be mean - I was simply noticing how I was spending so much effort making sure their insult struck home. and the important thing here is - I've endured my whole life with my own self, so it really isn't any different to endure any situation - I've already been doing it my whole life by bearing through my own self-abuse, so going out to dinner or shopping or bearing through cleaning was just the same as lying in bed feeling glum - the only difference was that when I was shopping I had an excuse to say, "wow look at what I can do" and that was motivation enough. I'd wait for the opportune time to go shopping - and over time that opportunity could be more often accomplished. another thing that was very important - was all the tiems I'd think, "woah, wait, I had less anxiety this week than any week last month" or "woah, I accomplished more this past monday than any day last month" and I would know then, that I was better. even if I was "still in the same shitty situation" it was clear, that I was improving. it's impossible for me to sit here and note all the growth I made - I barely even notice some of the things because they are habit now, I barely remember some of the things b ecause they only matter in very specific situations. but I assure you, that you can make this growth too - and it will take some time, but do not worry - because if it takes 5 years, it is worth it. and you will continue to grow your whole life - we all do. you can find a way out. I wish I had some easy answer to give you - but the reality is, the easy answers are the stupid ones like "small steps" and "get over it" the shitty answers which make us mad. they are the abstract answers really - because the real answer is, a thousand small insignificant things, which if you look for you will find on your own - and in a year you'll forget what they all were yet at the same time they'll be a regular part of your life. and when you look back all you can figure to say is - it took one step at a time. it was something in my past I got through. hehe, the irony! Someone once said to me - I asked her, "what is easy" and she said, "easy is anything you make it through" and I giggled. I said, "oh! so everything is easy then!" and now I know. if I can figure out how to endure it, then clearly it is an easy thing! hehehe.
  10. I've figured so far that, passion is a muscle we exercise. some people stumble upon strengthening this passion early on and others don't. we see passionate skillful people, but do not see the time and effort they spent getting to this point. there is both merit in trying something new when something isn't working, and alternatively trying harder to figure out how to make it work. in a way, passion can be as simple as figuring out how to be patient and dedicated, and find satisfaction regardless of outcome -satisfaction in the moment itself. aka meditation and mindfulness if you are not one who is into meditation and mindfulness - and don't want to spend the time to learn their worth - then it will be harder to fake it till you make it I suppose - but it is a viable strategy. as long as you are not letting your doubts and anxieties depress you that is. If you want to fake it, that is a clear sign that you will figure out eventually how to enjoy it without being fake about it. and it sounds to me like you have enough interest in the choices you've identified as good, that it could easily become a passion for you down the line. I do not think passion is necessarily about a firey feeling. maybe it is for some people, but for me passion is nothing more than being able to put my all into it without hesitation or regret - that I'll finish the day and realize I forgot to eat because I was too distracted by my activities. the point is - that passion might not feel super special for you - perhaps if you are patient and observant you can notice signs that reveal when you are passionate about something - and noticing it can easily lead into building that passion stronger and stronger over time.
  11. the dream is one with the reality. if a car hits you - wow good luck. but, the car is only a perception and an assumption we make.... if reality is some fake thing, what we are stuck with is the fact that we die if we don't play the game. and if we want to not play the game - then we fail to realize that playing the game is nothing in comparison to infinity, and therefor we would do best to make the most of this game - because we can make this game be a great experience. even if this game is insidious - the joke is on the designer, because goddamn this life is great!
  12. I've heard it said that one should not dismiss a master just because the master does some thing you don't like. To me when I look at Tai, I do notice that he cares about material things I do not - but I neither assume that this means he is materialistic at the core, or just a person who chooses to enjoy materialistic pleasures outside of his core. and I do not pretend to assume that he is entirely a fool just because I have the notion that one thing about his apparent character I find foolish. Instead I notice that he has a certain zen air about him which cannot be denied, has interest in sharing wisdom, and has confidence that his wisdom is worth it. the wisdom or attempt to convey wisdom that any of us speak to each other is only the reflection of reality - and not reality itself. if you do not want to hear Tai's content, then do not - not that complicated. if you do - then give him a try. it's that simple. no need to make it more complicated than that... so if it is more complicated, look for a way to minimize your inner conflict over it.
  13. there is the idea that, if a person is as mindful as possible when they do an activity, every time, they will naturally cease to do it over time, if it is a problematic activity. and, there is also the idea that, addictive behavior can be found to be rooted in the avoidance of negative emotions, and that something which helps get past the bad habits is to practice by simply sitting and do nothing. I've found both of those ideas to be very helpful for me in greatly reducing or eliminating my unwanted habits, including masturbation. I would remind you that masturbation isn't necessarily an unwantable thing, for me for undisclosed reasons I want none of it, but other people find masturbating to be an effective tool of stress relief. but as you mentioned, you're in a habit of addiction with masturbation, so if only for the time being your pursuit in reducing or eliminating the habit will likely be very freeing for you. I wish you luck! and patience, hehe!
  14. @Leo Gura would you say that your experience with meditation is more of an experience of finding inspiration, or of removing distraction? why is it that you pursue the monk life with your ability to be mindful and find satisfaction in every moment, rather than use that power to enjoy the "lower consciousness" pleasures while at the same time exercising higher consciousness? or is it that, you do not find an ability to be mindful during activities? or even, that finding satisfaction in every moment is something which still eludes you? Is meditation really much different from mindfulness during activities? I understand that it is putting 100% into the activity.. but is that the only difference? sorry if I am revealing my inexperience. I admit this is half me just wondering aloud, more so than a direct personal question, hehe.
  15. becoming a sage is not the same as finding sageliness in life. the sage is the person who maximizes their consiousness. but not everyone will be a sage, because we are not born a sage- and so it is natural that the majority of us are not even sagely - and such structure only binds us in various ways to the life. those who have not reached a point where seeking the sage's life is realistic, still will want to be sagely - even without being the sage's path. i dunno what I am saying lol - the idea in my head tho is that, there will always be a way to reconcile your current life and your personal identity with the pursuit of mindfulness and sageliness - or rather, not your identity. I affectionally compared it to a dancer. the dancer's movements are what we see - but there is more to the dance than just the movements themselves. in this way, the circumstances of our lives are like the motions of the dance - and mindfulness is how we make our dance have more power than the amateur who is just copying the skilled dancer's successful moves. in this way, we can see how - letting go of identity is not the same as denying it. the skilled dancer does not sit still and expect us to see the power of her dance. she dances, and shows the grace naturally through her skill. so our "dance" of our life is irrelevant to our "sageliness" of our life - whichever path we take, we can reconcile it with our pursuit of self actualization - but of course, pursuing self actualization may show us that the path we are on needs changing. ps. hm, I do not think my meaning was transferred through these words super great, so I hope that it helps inspire your own thoughts to any extent.
  16. I haven't looked at any of his videos, but I did watch one of his hour-long ads lol. well, about 20 minutes of it. from my impression of the ads I've seen of his, I think that he seems to be coming from real growth - that he, like leo, is a person who has made a lot of work to reach their success the genuine way. and so I anticipate that his 67 steps might be worth checking out if you find his pitch and approach to be catching. Tai definitely has a lot of "useless" words in his speaking - his style is kind of like, "wow look at me this worked for me" right? or something, I don't remember very well, I just remember that it makes me feel like "wow am I gonna get any real content from this" but really - and this is no insult towards Leo (or towards Tai) the thing is - leo's videos have a lot of superfluous content too. it's just - delivering this kind of higher-level info, really quickly? harms the impact of the message. that any good teacher will spend time on light-content stuff - with Leo it is how he uses several examples, which could be complete misses on the viewer's own life - and for Tai, it's a different approach. I would anticipate, if Tai is interesting speaker to listen to for you, it might be worth it. though I got to admit - Leo's youtube channel being free to watch is the real sell for me
  17. it was leo, I admit. hehe! actually at first I thought he was some joker. but he grew on me although, upon further reflection, I would say that it was reading that one book in high school. Siddhartha or something. And really actually - I was already looking for ways to grow myself, almost an automatic habit, since high school. I guess - the first memory I have of what could be called self actualization - was that time in high school where I called my one friend the nickname he'd call himself, thinking it was affectionate - but when I noticed that he was not liking me anymore a few weeks later, I realized that there was no affection in the nickname. and I stopped. but it was too late - he was no longer my friend. and that was the first time in my memory in which I was self-aware. no wait actually I'd say the first time that I was self-aware on the right level for natural self-actualization, was that time where my teach scolded me in 6th grade for hitting every bookbag on the hall cubbies. and I was like "no I didn't! what?" I really was unaware of it. and I was like - but teach wasn't lying - so how is it that I didn't notice? maybe there were smaller events before that led up to my self-actualization habit. But those are the earlier memories I have which are strong memories for me. and, I'd been looking for ways to get past a spike in anxiety that threw me into depression for over a year not too many years ago - and was looking for self-help videos on youtube for about half a year, before I first found leo's, so in a way it wasn't really leo who made the biggest difference, even though watching his videos seems to have made the most impact - because I had to set up the ground work first, on my own, to be able to get as much inspiration from his videos as I do now. I am not trying to discount him tho - just, I wish to own up to my own growth. not out of pride I don't think - more so out of, well, out of self-awareness. This is a post about how I got into personal development - and the story started a long time ago - and it's a story that I live every day.
  18. with me in my past. I have had a lot of difficulty both with dreams and also with daydreams. I wake up in the morning but I am not in the real world, I am still in my dream. even if I acknowledge the falseness of the dream, I still can't shake the realness that it feels - I am trapped, and the dream turns into a daydream, sometimes even half-consious still half-dream. there have been times I fall back asleep and continue the dream. sometimes, my entire day has been thrown into depression or anxiety if the dream felt too powerful. then, with day dreams, I would always in my life, have some running adventure or other which I was absorbed in. I've lost entire afternoons, pacing in my room, dreaming the daydream. it is so absorbing! that being said, I've made a lot of natural growth away from that in the past 8 years. and, with the advice of Leo's posts, I made a lot huger bound towards freedom from the compulsive dreaming. It is still hard. one thing that has helped me, is trying to shift that energy into visualization. another thing that has helped, is to have a source of strong light near my bed, open the window blinds or turn on the lamp the second I realize it is an option. And, once I started realizing about how I could visualize my plans or my future goals, I found I could use that as a way to ground me in reality. I've also tried to practice awareness while daydreaming - In a video on addiction, Leo mentioned how he believes that if a person is fully aware during an activity they will naturally move away from it - and I found this to be true so far for me - Tho I am still addicted to yogurt 'cause I don't care to stop that but both with daydreaming and also with eating junk food, I am becoming more and more hesitant and uninterested in these engagements because of my being more aware of negative impacts they have on my body and my time that I was before, unable to notice. Though for me, this may have been easier because I've sort of had a natural affinity for it in my youth - I've been stumbling upon this method for most of my life, before Leo's advice put it into a main perspective that let me. ugh, I've mentioned Leo so often in this post.. lol. can't deny that he is very inspirational for me... I am embarrassed
  19. who is the person who is always going to be in your life? it is you. who is the person who you need love from the most, and who you love the most? it is you. this is not selfish at all - this is just a simple observation. if you do not love yourself more than anyone else, then who will? if you do not care for yourself more than anyone else, who will? love for another is a beautiful thing - but love for one's self is a guaranteed fact of your life. it won't go away, even if you disbelieve that it is there - even if your neurosis hides it - you are the person who takes the most intimate care for yourself, and there is no way anyone can get closer. in this way - even if you do not feel it as strongly - even if you do not think about it as often - you do, in fact, love yourself more than anyone else. if you grow the emotional effects of this love then you will no longer feel the pit of loneliness. do not mind my matter of fact speech. it is just how I speechify.