puporing

Making peace with being misunderstood/demonized/an outcast To love the thing that's the hardest to love Some kind of work to express truth/love

I felt this way about depression too (at least some of the symptoms like brain fog/exhaustion). It is also very difficult/costly to access the more intense detox treatments here (in Canada). I tried just with some herbal type solutions, would be curious what kind of regime you went on.

Thank you all so much for your input and words of encouragement! So glad that this forum exists.. I can feel the love abound being transmitted through. Gonna take decades or longer, but already some young people are choosing to not get married or even have a career. Check out the 'lying flat' movement that's quietly happening there. lol thanks, but yes they could really use some feminist movement there among other things Thank you, very much so! Had to fight for my independence haha Yeah agreed, it would just lead to more of the same/similar, unless that's what you want out of life..

Amen.. yeah that's precisely.. I guess more letting go is needed.

Yes absolutely.

Nicely summed up. It's better to accept that possibility sooner than still holding out that maybe one day they'll approve of me. I get what you mean, there was just a lot of inner work I needed some help with just to grieve and get over the pains from my childhood which I couldn't tell anyone about until my mid 20s as I was literally intimidated/brainwashed into not telling anyone to, I had no siblings or other family members who could've stepped in and interferred. I ran away from home (had to lie about it too to get away) when I first felt capable of doing so as a young adult. I am mostly out of the grieving stage so now I'm more focused on how to manage keeping boundaries and still have some relationship with the parents despite how easily they will trigger me or throw me back to PTSD symptoms. Not everyone start on the same starting line I had a lot of trauma to sort through which was running up against my personal development/spiritual work but things are better for me now despite still having depression/anxiety symptoms, it was much worse couple of years back. But I get it I'm not interested in latching onto this as a part of my identity forever, it affected me but I'm more interested in transformation/metamorphosis.

Thank you! There're no guarantees as to how long we'll live either.

@molosku Thank you! It's pretty weird that even though I know my own happiness trumps that of others, this mixed with being an empath can muddy the waters. I really appreciate the wake-up call and validation towards who's behind the steering wheel of my life (actually feeling like a dark cloud being removed as I'm typing this). I think a large part of the depression is 'caused by' this back and forth impossibility between trying to satisfy (and fail) the parents and trying to live my life, it has worked maybe till the time I graduated, and then it stopped working coz I wanted to make my own decisions at last from then on, it's one of those unsolvable equations and thank you for making me realize that! Haha I love the rawness of that. Daniel Mackler (he has a youtube channel) there actually helped me a lot with that and his book on "Breaking from your parents". It's not easy to do solo so I really appreciate when I find people who get it.. I have visited a few therapists now and unfortunately, all of them have been wishy-washy on whether to side with parents or me and do not validate like you do here - not good and didn't help me very much, not to say I won't keep trying.. still on waiting list for a publicly funded therapist but I'll keep trying.

@Husseinisdoingfine Yeah can't say I know too much about Confucianism but it sounds horribly outdated and is there to maintain power hierarchy.. actually after watching that video it sounds more like a religion. It's a very collectivist society/culture, you're not allowed to be 'an individual' or have your own ideas of how to live. As well as misogyny where women are treated like servants (serve your husband and parents and rear children and that's your only purpose in life).

@Windappreciator Thank you I'll remember that!! I really appreciate your replies, it helped a lot just to be seen/heard/understood.

@Thought Art wow I feel the same way as you.. just wanting to make music but doesn't really pay (at least for now or the near future). And I can't stand working for most people. Everyone just want me to be a piano teacher lol but I just want to play piano so I guess I gotta put even more work in to make that work. Also I found Rupert Spira super helpful when I felt rage/sadness that I can't seem to overcome, like just coming back to my true nature of awareness again usually calms me down.. but I know it's easier said than done.

This definitely, they've done a number on making me feel this lifelong guilt just for existing and that I owe them stuff/my time/my love even though I don't feel like they've given me anything other than food and shelter. Thanks I'll try that, as opposed to repressing it/letting it go in the moment and become very upset/depressed after the fact. Yeah you're right I do feel bit more strongly about it and just have a hard time expressing any opposing opinions from my parents, they're very authoritarian like I can't even express my 'opinion' on taking the covid vaccine as opposed to following their order and not taking it.. Yeah I have many reasons but mainly that I don't have enough loving supportive people in my life while also struggling with depression, other than my partner who works away from home too, not a good environment to bring children into. I guess if I actually said that to them they would get pretty defensive..

Aww I totally get that! It is hard.. to meet highly conscious people or men... I have similar issues not just dating but just meeting people in general.. feel pretty lonely sometimes but also feel more alone with some. But ... I guess I can get by going more meta most days, like maybe injecting more love/understanding to my environment/place of work. I don't think being totally alone is a good answer either. The best advice I can give is just to be patient with maybe people who are close to where you're at but not quite, that expands your options.. but of course not lowering your standard so much that it's not good for you so it's a balance. I do think on a societal level we should allow people to 'take breaks' when they need, either for mental health or spiritual or life purpose reasons and not lose their shelter and food lol.

If you go meta it doesn't really matter that much.. because you see everyone as your 'children' and then everything as you.. but I guess in a relativistic sense you can place meaning to things.

Yes.. actually you don't need very much words when two people are highly conscious, you can communicate a ton just with your way of being and little words to add. It can also communicate something much deeper than language is perhaps capable of.

I totally understand that and feel the same (and about music ), not having your needs met can be very distracting to pursue life purpose goals... I think we live in a hyper sexually repressed society honestly.. not sure about where you live but where I live it's still pretty conservative. The more repressed people are the more intense these feelings can become I find.. Not sure if this applies to you... I became conscious of the fact that my needs around sex is a combination of soothing emotional pain and finding god.

@blackchair raising of consciousness.. and those of us who choose to help awaken others gently in our everyday interactions or through our life purpose.

Hmm for me there's been a combination of being very limited and being very unlimited in my dreams.. Like I could have all my desires met or, the thing I fear or give too much power to in wakefulness expand/exaggerate even more in my dreams and hinder me. But the ladder is perhaps just a sign that I have assigned it too much power/influence. Actually, the person I was seeing to help me with that walked me through such a case, where I would have recurring dreams about being blocked/interrupted on my journey (mainly my parents or parent like figures), and since then I have not had such dreams again..

Making music has helped me in that ... expressing myself more authentically and fully. It hasn't completely taken away the frustrations but it helped a lot! I also just embraced it (opened up my relationship like 4 years ago), it was hard because of cultural conditioning at large, but I'm at the stage now where it's like.. gotta embrace who I am, and that includes sexuality. I think just being able to express that one way or another (ie reduce repression) has helped me a long way. I recommend the "Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch", it validated a lot of my feelings and confusions around my sexuality. Hope that helps.

Learned all about web development/studied at a Bootcamp, got interviews, could've gotten decent paying jobs from it but turned that down.. and decided to pursue music instead because it turns out I could no longer ignore that calling and just do it on the side.

@assx95 not sure if this helps.. but as a biological woman I've struggled with the same.. for years, and still struggling with it because that's the life I chose (ie non conformity, open relationships). It's because you care that you hurt, and that is a beautiful thing in and of itself. It's a wonderful thing to be able to express love and receive love.. it can help you grow. I hope you don't lose hope completely... there are those out there who want to be collaborators of your reality.

Not a waste even if you aren't currently wanting to switch into your life purpose, it plants a seed. And that seed will grow especially as you become more and more conscious. In a weird way the life purpose and or work might come and find you and then you cannot help but pursue it...

@vindicated erudite I have some experience working with someone doing dream analysis.. it seems that it's a way to resolve or work through something we haven't been able to deal with partly or fully in wakefulness. It can be a vision or something that induces anxiety or fear, or some unmet need. It can uncover truths that you aren't ready yet to look at in wakefulness. That's just my experience though there are other interpretations..

Great idea, seems like a missing piece here. There's often a transitional period between say states of depression/victimhood and transcendence/enlightenment for those who had to work through that. Making it its own category puts the focus on it directly. You never know it could save someone's life or life situation if it's a loving and supportive space.

@Breakingthewall That makes sense thank you. It's possible that my 'flexibility' with other ways of life is actually causing confusion, in this case because my parents view me as an extension of themselves and the only real hope to their perceived mortality. I guess there's a difference between what you want for yourself and what you accept in others. Gym sounds about right.. balancing being firm and flexible at the same time.. and expressing ideas & values that are difficult to express.