puporing

The unhappy people are probably more motivated to change things, within themselves and outwardly. Someone can also be happy and not happy at the same time... ie being at peace with their life but also sensitive to the suffering that exists around them. Part of the problem is that we're not taught how to relate consciously with one another, with respect. Things can easily be exploitative and intrusive when you lack boundary skills or get upset for being on the receiving end of someone wanting boundaries. Even therapists are awarded boundaries, you can only talk to them during the session and you cannot just rant either which some have a tendency to. In my experience members from the family and racial groups are the worst for boundaries, many feel like they own your time and subjugation especially if you're younger/female. At least this is the reason I would shy away from people in general. It's incredibly hard to find people who are respecting of another's autonomy. Self actualizing individuals require a lot more autonomy than what alot of cultures currently can accept.

Sounds like to me he needs unconditional love.. Something most people are not good at giving because very few people are shown this. Unconditional love is so incredibly healing but the paradox is that you can't expect him to be something else by giving that. Unconditional love is the answer to a lot of psychological problems... Is there a single person in his life where he can feel unconditional love around, that's the question, now it's reached a tipping point, so many of us don't/didn't have this growing up.

@Tristan12 @Gianna I feel both 'aloneness' and 'oneness' are simultaneously true.

Maybe truth require risk taking. So if you're a truth seeker, got be ready to 'lose the life as you know it' and that is a big risk to the ego self and can be quite 'inconvenient' in a practical sense. You can choose to struggle against what's being presented, or surrender to it and investigate further, with the understanding that it could alter your view and sense of what's true. I don't have books on the top of my mind specifically..

Heavy metals is one factor. There're other substances too that you probably don't want to ingest (pesticides/herbicides, BTEX, PAHs, etc.. not that organics are free from this in absolute terms it can vary a lot by location.. the location's history..current proximity to toxin sources both air, soil/water, nearby farms spraying stuff). I guess it's like... there is a certain way organic produce is farmed that may reduce toxins, but we can't know how much as a shopper in the grocery store without some kind of hard measurements because it's going to vary by the farm..

It feels like you're feeling uninspired at the moment. Find the inspiration again and again and the rest are tackled to meet your vision. I guess if you want to be financially afloat, sometimes that vision has to be met 'aggressively' like an OCD perfectionist. All depends on how much you want to keep doing it/have the money to keep doing it. Burn out is real too. It's also possible you're falling out of love with what you've been doing and in a transition to something else. That's also okay business/LP can come and go too.

Stephen King recommends this, read a ton of books, fiction and non-fiction, history and whatnot. I guess it's not dissimilar to musicians having to practice a lot of what others have wrote, sort of like building blocks.. I feel like 'creativity' doesn't come out of thin air, it builds on top of things already in existence. Just my take though.

Just shared this in another post but I think it's just as relevant to your post.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olI5JvCuz44 TL;DR: Equal striving and appreciation. I have a similar 'business' going on the side, I would say it's mostly been good fun testing what works and what doesn't, expressing some creativity and love through it, it's not a charity but I aim to put into it more than I expect to receive, and not being afraid of pulling the plug if things don't work out financially after trying a bunch of things. So far it's been going well at least but can always change. Having an adaptive mindset helps to not be dragged into the "rollercoaster" of day to day.

LoL good one.

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There may also be a stage where one is "Interdependent" while working on said LP and self-employed/working... but I guess that falls somewhere between Stages 4-6.

Hey this is awesome, thanks for sharing! I can follow your lines of reasoning pretty well. Made me realize how truly f**ked I was.

@Happy Lizard Yeah web dev can be pretty fun, also super overwhelming if you are trying to pick up like all the popular languages out there and get sucked into every job posting LoL. Do you have an idea if you'd prefer front end or back end? Well either way it's good to learn both so you can understand how they might interface, but depends on if you're more of a design person or math/algorithmic leaning. I started with Javascript, it was very versatile. So maybe figure out what languages, frameworks, libraries you want to start with. My stack was JS, React (frontend), CSS (frontend), Node.js (backend), PSQL (database) and I really liked that stack coz both React and Node are JS based. Also what kind of companies do you want to work for? Maybe do a bit of research on what stack they use if you're trying to get a job with them. Project wise, I think they mainly look for finished web pages, "replicas" are totally fine you don't have to invent something, or a component of one (like a chat bot for example...), contributions you've made to an open-source project on Github. I guess in general it's also good to know a bit about security and authentication but don't have to dive too deep.

Not just on 'forgiveness' but.. "Letting Go" by David Hawkins talks about just about everything surrounding this.

Sounds like major depression (though that's just a label, in reality, it is a correct/healthy response to what you went through). What helps me is to let it all out somehow, expressing it, maybe writing, music, talking to someone safe if you are up for that (they have to be safe otherwise it might just make it worse, even lot of therapists are not truly 'safe'). I think you need to be seen for those dark emotions somehow, that helped me heal at least. I don't know a better way truthfully.

Your life does matter, you are totally unique and nobody else can replace you as the form you exist in right now. Literally not possible. And this place is made more rich thanks to your presence. Stay with this journey, you are just getting started and there is more to see than meets the eye right now.

It sounds like you are in an environment that's going against the direction/energy you're headed. People who aren't oriented this way, in general, will try to 'pull you back down' to where they're at so they can feel at ease when they're around you. It's mostly an unconscious behavior. It's good that you're connected to this community, hopefully the people here can counter some of those influences. Wouldn't surprise me that she's trying to get some kind of love from you when she should've gotten it from her parents. But judging by your description of your upbringing there was probably a lot of neglect. It's helpful to understand and have empathy for that she might just feel unloved/not paid attention to in general, but that you also aren't the right person to give that to her outside of what's expected of a sibling. She may be looking for a caregiver and you aren't that. So given what you've shared and your age, you really shouldn't be blaming yourself, it's tough enough to try to figure out your survival situation, let alone not being in a nurturing environment.

It is totally is possible, sometimes affected by your survival situation and what is in the realm of possibility at that time. You could also technically have more than one "LP" at any given time if we're talking in terms of manifested roles/careers, though the focus will of course be more diluted. It can definitely be confusing especially for outsiders who might see you as flakey but don't let that determine what you truly would like to pursue any given moment/period, and eventually, you'll figure out something that sticks more than others and snowballs. This ^. Switching to how you view the changes with your LP makes a difference.

@kieranperez Thank you for the recommend! Yeah I am leaning towards Peter/Brendan's as well, that's too bad though that Peter doesn't lead it much anymore... darn, all good. Yes I guess you get out what you put into it.

@Butters No it's not okay what he's been doing and continuing to behave like a child and not the adult you need him to be. You do not have a responsibility to change him. You have the right to want empathy and understanding from people close to you. That said unfortunately you can't wait for him to miraculously change one day and be different towards you or feel regret about the past. Now it's important that you get to grieve your loss of never having had the father you deserved. And you can still love him but the highest love does not necessarily mean continuing taking his shit. In fact, in some cases the highest love is to show him that you do not tolerate such behavior any longer and you're not afraid of a "break" in the relationship if it comes to it (ie, it is negatively affecting your mental health and other goals in life). I'm not advising you to go no contact or anything that's a very personal choice based on many things, but you should be able to not have to see him if he is being abusive towards you and this is totally okay and healthy to do. I hope it works out for you.

You just do! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

@LastThursday yup exactly, can't do much about it if you don't know. I think there are folks out there who think you can do some technique to help you remember but I haven't looked into it...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and a bit trapped by circumstances. It's good you're acknowledging where you're at and that you are doing your best to take responsibility for yourself. I don't know if I would use the word "exploiting" when it's something out of your hands right now and you're doing what you can to become independent (and contributing with what you can). Like, is your family saying stuff like that to you besides your sister? Maybe she feels like you're taking something from her? Sibling dynamics can become competitive. It sounds like to me you're doing the best you can and know where you need to be going, and there's nothing wrong with needing some help in the interim from your parents.