Gabriel Antonio

11:23 PM 30-Mar-17 Talking With God I am letting God work itself through me. I am proactively asking for its guidance. I have been asking a lot for the protection and strength of the Divine. I was inspired by Matt Kahn's "The Most Important Spiritual Decision" video. I feel lighter. I feel more talkative. I have been blessing people, and I am now able to be more empathetic and bring light to the people around me. Self-Confidence I am in the process of becoming more confident. When I am in a conversation, I ask for God's help at times. I have been doing 1-minute of silence with people especially when I am feeling nervous in a conversation. This takes a bit of courage, but it pays off. I simply ask for a minute of silence for the other person. I did that twice today. I meditated with a girl I met at my friend's apartment. And also with a student of Portuguese that I have. Sometimes I like to guide the meditation when the other person is not familiar with meditation. But I also like to do it silently so we can both connect with one another. Meditation I am back to meditating for 4 hours a day. Thank God I am doing that because I feel so much better. More confident, more at ease. It gives me a sense of direction, like "YES! I have become more conscious today." Day #2 Random Thoughts Tomorrow I will probably go to church and to my meditation group. People, start talking to strangers. There is so much joy in talking with new people. You will get good at it. One thing I have been noticing is that as I talk there is a tension in my throat. I feel meditation is good for that because then I rest my muscles. I have also been asking for healing in that area. Hope it gets better. Ungrateful people are the ones who need love the most. So keep saying words of divine Love to all beings. Thank you all! Let us celebrate this wonderful human experience with joy and contentment. Peace =]

Congratulations for breaking the silence... This is the first step for your healing. I am sorry you had to go through that. It's such a humilliation.. and I can sense how powerless you must have felt. This is a very touchy subject... Have you considered talking to a therapist? I hope you get well!

4:35 AM I think I will stop updating this journal. I want to start a new one focusing on my life purpose.

I think you need a real-life friend who you trust and who you can be vulnerable with. Good friends make me feel healthy. That's more important than any spiritual accomplishment. A good place to meet friendly and supportive people is at your local yoga studio.

God is always in command. Whether we want it, whether we don't. Whether we believe in It, whether we don't. The formless. Absolute Infinity. How can you not believe in something that you already are?

omg what an asshole stay away from this guy. if he keeps contacting you, tell him you are gonna call the police. Someone MUCH better will come to your life. LEt that guy go. I highly recommend you find someone trustworthy to talk in-person about this topic. You are NOT complaining. But talking about a very serious issue that you went through. @ajasatya any thoughts to share?

Direct Experience I would put "direct experience" as one of my values, so to speak. I am often just reproducing something that I heard. That's okay, as long as I have a direct experience from what I am talking. For example, I know from experience how tensing up body and mind will make me tired very quickly. Instead, by being with people who remind me who I truly am, I can trust my relaxed version. And if something is not flowing like I wish, then it is probably a sign to change. Or do it some other time. There is no rush. This is not a race. Today 5-7-2018 Today I stayed at my house throughout the day. I didn't do shit. Just watched Yu-Gi-Oh! videos ... read some things online... But I didnt socialize nor did I leave my house. It doesn't feel very good. I mean, I am glad I allowed myself to have such a lazy day, but I know from personal experience that "basic" pleasures (eg, eating, sleeping, orgasm) must not be overdone, otherwise it gradually gives off less and less pleasure--until it becomes painful. But anyway, right now at the end of the day, I feel very optimistic. As if I had become aware. "Oh... another day of depression. Ok..." Things might take some time to figure themselves out, but I know that it is just a matter of living one day at a time and taking in whichever bitter pill the Universe wants me to swallow (in homeopathic dosage), and not force myself too rigidly. The healing is already happening, whether I want it or not.

“Love your crooked neighbor with you crooked heart.” - W. H. Auden

Omg! That’s so sad! I feel for you. You deserve someone better than this boyfriend of yours, dont you think?! You did the right thing! If my brother had raped my gf, I would WANT him to pay for what he did, in the fucking prison! Wtf, he said you “ruined” everything? Give me a break! His brother ruined everything! Not you... Hope you are feeling better! I think it would be very good if you could talk to a therapist about that! It’s a very serious thing! I am sorry you had to go through that...

Changing my focus instead of having the pretension of “God working itself through me”, I want instead to focus on something more concrete, more human. >>> relationships <<< i am very lucky to have found three amazing people who I can practice being vulnerable (aka being the weird me). And what I have found through cultivating those friendships is that Everything I desesperately want (and more) can be found in human connection. i am not saying any type of interaction, but to have a few friends who you can act stupid with. People who you can be authentic with, without fearing that you are gonna “lose” the friendship. I am even thinking of starting a new journal focusing specifically on communication, interaction, bonding etc. btw, in a psychedelic trip, my life purpose came to me very very clearly and very strongly. Overcome shyness and help others do the same. so I am considering creating a new journal with that title...

This book is really good. Not the typical self-help book... very counter-intutive and you will experience various of moments, "Wow! That is so fucking true!" The first half of the book is phenomenal; the second half (which could be a separate book) is okay... Gives good advice, but nowhere near as groundbreaking as the first half, but the second part is also very good. Very down-to-earth type of book. Specially useful for chronical people-pleasers. There are many insights on this book, and it is definitely worth buying. If you want to know about the book, here' s a pretty good interview about it: Some random about this book: > We are always suffering, so we might as well pick our suffering. > Positive thinking is sometimes nonsense. "Thinking positive? Sometimes life sucks, and the most healthy attitude is to admit that." > One of the worst things in the world today is the neurotic need to ALWAYS feel good emotions (he gives a very good examples about this on the video above) > When you find your mission, you will stop giving a fuck about all your petty little problems > We shouldn't trust our feelings so much. (He explains in great detail in the book) > So, the most famous quote on this book is something to the effect of, One thing that popped in my head was the fact that in Math, when multiplying the rule of signs are: - + = - - - = + So: if I have a negative experience and I try to positive, this turns out to be negative. If I have a negative experience and allow myself to fully feel "negative", this turns out to be positive. >>> He provides brilliant real-lifes examples. The Beatles one was my favorite because I got a great mindfuck.

“Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” - Steve Maraboli

I have realized in life that sometimes it is all a matter of taking the first step. You don’t really have to think about it, because there will be no YOU who is doing. The experience is happening by itself. I have to be honest here: I am procrastinating a lot of life problems. It seems like I have tried so hard, and now it is time to slow down and focus on cultivating friendships. I am kinda attached to the Earth element. Part of me thinks that life is only about facing fear head-on. But it actually isn’t. That only makes me stressed, and it eventually backfires. |--------------------------|---------------------------| COMFORT COURAGE When I apply too much force on courage, the thing ends up going all the way back to comfort. I think I have tried enough to do things solo. I can only get so far by myself. Still, I miss having a healthy outlet for my bad-quality energy. To transmute that shit and be spiritually, physically, emotionally, and psychologically PURIFIED. There’s still a lot of shit in me that is blocking “God to work itself through me.” I have realized how truer life feels when I am connecting with a friend. It is an exchange of energy. It’s not like I have to “sacrifice” myself, but simply caring about the other person. I have a masculine mind, and sometimes it is worthy comtemplating the difference between objects and living things. The goal of sex is not to satisfy my sexual desires, but to bond with the other person. I find that it is much easier to be courageous when I have good people inside and outside of me. The more I nourish the outside friends, the happier the inside friends also get. It is a win-win. And I do feel at times my friends inside of me. Last but not least: I am in the process of embodying the lazy-man’s path to enlightenment. See more here: http://gururating.org/2017/03/04/mooji/ I am more in contact with the feminine energy. It is so healing… even thou I judge it as being “fruity” Question-Mantra for the week: What feels the most natural right now?

Yes. Maybe this backlash is showing you that all you "self development progress" was actually fake growth. That's what happened to me. I myself used to be so neurotic about being perfect in every area of my life that I eventually collapsed, just like you. And I will probably will a thousand more times. Things that helped me: > Connecting more with other people. As the Buddha taught, our community (sangha) is one of the Three Jewels. This is no accident. I used to think I could figure out everything solo, but that was too painful. A yoga community, ayahuasca ceremonies... > Energetic healing through Reiki. The basic idea of Reiki is very simple. Remove energetic blockages. Boom! It is actually something very gradual, but it works. > Find a more authentic life purpose. And groud yourself in it.

> To me, playfulness arise when I allow myself to let go. Let go of needing to do anything specifically.. > i am not sure how would yoga, meditation, or any other type of discipline would improve your playfulness. > The idea of being playful 24/7 is unrealistic and neurotic. Yes, humor is a great tool, but it is just one from the toolbox > What really helps me is connecting with a good friend. no pressure in “being funny”... just someone who I can practice being my imperfect version with.. > Psychedelics can give you a glimpse of how unnecessarily serious we tend to be. > dont use too much effort. Playfulness is like sleeping or ejaculating. If you try too hard, it is not gonna happen Leo has a whole episode on this topic

"I can see in my own life the way in which clinging has caused me suffering. I remember years ago as I was losing my hair, how much I clung to somebody that had hair." - Ram Dass

"When we realize this truth and when we resume, when we find our composure in the everlasting truth which is everything changes, we find ourselves in nirvana." Suzuki Roshi

Exactly!

Refined intention for the new moon: Wacky me, the best me. Yea, I am imperfect... and it's a paradox that when I truly accept my imperfection and I allowed it, things seems to be closer to perfection... instead of getting paranoid and trying to be peRfect in everything... And a word that really resonated with me is "wacky". Jack Kornfield said that: "We are all a little wacky." Idk... I liked that.. My last intention was "Natural me, the best me" haha, so now there is a new one.. The wacky me.. I just hope to avoid any extreme... for example, being TOO wacky, TOO authentic... TMI kinda thing It feels like things are clicking

Micronegotiation I am thinking of setting my intention for the new moon will be to "micronegotiate" everything. Let me explain that. I very often take things for granted and I don't always communicate assertively. So I think that if I check more often how the other person is thinking, even if I exaggerate in the beginning, I will be able to talk myself out of almost any problem in life. My mind is not that flexible, so I tend to assume a lot of shit. Which in reality I DONT KNOW. By being too silent all the time, without exchanging energy, I get lost in the laziness of my mind. Micronegotiation will also help me embody the insight of co-creation. Creating alone is fun, but co-creating is 10x better. I know this theoretically, but I want to focus on co-creating more during this new phase of the moon. Even if it is with another persona inside myself. But haha I think its better to focus on real people... I don't wanna get lost in my little universe...

“At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our own mind or the brutalities of our own will. This little point of nothingness and of absolute poverty is the pure glory of God in us. It is so to speak His name written in us, as our poverty, as our indigence, as our dependence, as our sonship. It is like a pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven. It is in everybody, and if we could see it we would see these billions of points of light coming together in the face and blaze of a sun that would make all the darkness and cruelty of life vanish completely ... I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is every- where.” ― Thomas Merton

Wut? Personal Development Is Counterintutive Last year, I went so deep into my own psyche, and I discovered that almost everything that I had heard I should actually do the exact opposite. Sorta like the exercise for dropping should statements that Leo gives in that episode. So I get the thing I "should" do and contemplate in my mind the possibility of doing the opposite, just for open-mindedness sake's. I call this playing with counterintuitiveness. Cause self-deception is such a big thing that you should actually do the opposite of what common sense tells you. But start small. Radical Honesty I can't fool myself: I am going through a phase of laziness, where it feels like I am wasting my life, time, and energy. Though I have always had this spark inside that motivated me to take action eventually... but I am not even thinking about that... I got serious motivation problems... I know that by doing stuff, I will eventually start enjoying the thing, but being lazy sounds so much more comfortable haha... But it's something unsustainable... I can't live my life like this... And then, I try to come up with solutions... but it's counterproductive. The more I think, the more I confuse myself. Maybe this laziness is here to teach me how to let go no matter what -- even if it is through engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as binging on Netflix, food, sleep, etc. Because deep down I exaggerate how much harm they bring. Like, yea binging on stuff is not good, but worse than that is binge on thinking about how you shouldn't have done something. > The two things that separate me from two years ago are: psychedelics and cannabis & friends. These two things help me a lot. Even if they are just a "security blanket," but it gives me a sense of trust in the process... I am really not handling well with any type of stress this year. It's making me go nuts. So fortunately I can slow down as much as I want. Ideally I think I need some good old masculine compassion to put my things together, but that ain't happening in the foreseeable future... I get pissed off because I know how much of life I am missing, yet I know that If I don't change who I am internally, it won't matter where I am... Yet, I can't deny that it is kinda enjoyable to slack off... but then guilt inevitably arises... Wow... so many things I could expose here... but I think that's enough. I am pretty aversed to my work; I canceled a lot of classes this week, and I have been trying to distract myself as much as possible. Boom! That's me in a nutshell Wow 2... it feel so good to self-reflect through journaling. It feels very healingful .. I like that word healingful. Full of healing. Full of awareness. Awareness has nothing to do with tension. Pure observation. I am in a point of my journey that I feel like things are so not working that they start to work... the things I have been investing my time and energy on.. like this journal... I judge that I am going nowhere due to lack of a technique and a systematic training, but this thing here is working. Or maybe not:P

My Experience With Teaching Language to Children I had this belief that my life purpose had to do with children, but now that I had the direct experience, I am very doubtful of that. I am sure there are very effective techniques to deal with agitated children/animals, but I simply don't know. The more I try to tame them, the more agitated they become. The more I try to interact with them, the worse the conversation gets... I am not going to be the guy that puts extra effort to please others, much less children. Instead, I want to be the guy who is natural, who feels good in his skin... Now analyzing the results of the classes, it was quite disastrous, though he taught me a lot. Let's face it: I am currently not good at training dogs, nor training adults, nor training children. That’s a skill I will eventually have to develop in my life. But it’s not happening right now… the more I fight it, the worse the beast gets… it is not giving up, but a strategic break. Ego-Backlash Humbling Me I went through an ego backlash these past days, and wow… I kinda needed that… even though I exaggerated on some things, it left me with a new understanding of what is like to to trust the unfolding of your life no matter what… i’m just trying to stay calm, keep doing the things I naturally wanna do, and observe how life changes right before my eyes. It’s just a matter of time… Because you know what? I am not going to impact the world by trying to be somebody other than who I already am. It is my life experience that can help others… I know that many many people are going through the same thing than I am right now… and how can I have compassion for them, if I myself have never been to the dark realms? Sure, I don’t want to get attached to that, but it’s part of life… For example, if I were to explain to the Dalai Lama some of the problems people from the 21 st century are going through, he would not even understand, because he sorta lives in a different reality than us Conversely, if i stop trying to fix my goddamn self all the time, and simply allow whatever my instincts want to do; then I will be able to better empathize with others that are going through emotional turmoil… i wanna be that person who you can be yourself 100% and not be judged… so i am in the process of accepting myself as a whole. before I can accept all the weirdness in another being, I first have to accept my own Growth is NOT linear! I feel like watching Leo’s video how to be more patient. I feel like I should watch that many times to program that into my subconscious mind… Reminders: I am already taking action. Your problem is not lack of action, but neurosis. Wait till you hit the knee of the curve. So to sum up, teaching children showed me that my life purpose is not about children, but probably adults. And disciplining children is quite energy-draining... Probably it's weak tone of voice... maybe it's because I allowed myself to get dominated by fear as a young child... I wish I could be more assertive, more natural, more loosey-goosey... Awwwwwww.... i am putting so much energy on writing this! fuck!

More Things I Have Learned This Year… 12- What we want is not the best self, but the natural self Here’s the thing: you can try and put a mask as if you were perfect, or you can focus on being the way you organically are. When trying to become better, we often get neurotic… But then you meet someone who has flaws just like me and you, but who who is so relaxed in the moment that the person becomes untouchable. When I am trying too hard, I often get rigid. When I am rigid, I get very vulnerable. No flexibility whatsoever. So I can “break” very quickly. On the other side, there is that feeling of not doing enough sorta thing that actually is a program I got from the school system. Learning/Change is already happening… And you can’t even stand out of the way, because everything must be included, including your “worst” self. 13- Don’t take rules so seriously This has to do with confusing the map with the territory. I have read so many things about psychology, language learning, relationships, etc that I get paralysis by analysis. I am in that highly perfeccionist mode of trying to get the best results out of every little tiny detail about a situation… and also about life… But… that actually HURTS me… Fixation on being perfect creates a lot of problems because you end up using all your energy; however, we have to learn how to direct the energy on the priority. For example, I always try to give the best language class and be the “perfect” teacher, but actually this neurosis of mine blocks me from being in the moment in a laid-back sorta way. So, from now on, I hope to fully integrate the art of consciously half-assing, and break some rules… including the rule of breaking rules… haha… 14- When you are aligned to your Life Purpose, you become a superhuman This past year, I have felt truly aligned to my LP some times. It was crazy… Like… so much energy… so much vitality… so much health… it’s as if you are living in a different reality. People around you may not understand why you are doing what you are doing, but deep inside you know! And that’s what matters. Vision! 15- Most of what I learned in self-development must be thrown away Like… life is getting so paradoxical and mindfucky that the typical self-help advice simply stopped making sense to me. Go exercise! Take action! Blah blah blah… The less I think about those things, paradoxically, the better I naturally become at them… When I stopped trying to have a good relationship with my family, I started having. When I stopped trying to become confident, I became. You see, I am not trying to produce any change whatsoever in my life. Some may call this laziness, passitivity… And yea, there’s a fear inside that says, “Wait until your life gets messy! Then you will see that I was right: You are fucking up your life!” Something along those lines… It’s the inner gremlin. As I mentioned yesterday, I want to deeply reconnect to the Being state. Another name for this is Access Concentration. The moment that your mind chatter stops being important. And you become relaxed in your body. Like… “Everything’s perfect.” Sounds hippie and new-agy, I know, but this is doable! 16- Faith Is a Choice Remove any religious usages of the word “faith.” The thing is, you can either believe there are no miracles; or believe that everything is a miracle. (Think Einstein said that, but not sure). You can believe that everything you’re doing is what you should be doing; or you can believe that certain things you shouldn't be doing. So, even if I am screwing up big-time, I consciously decide to accept that this is part of Divinity’s Plan, and that I have not enough intellect to comprehend why I am doing what I am doing, only Nature can know that. I think that consciously choosing to believe that there are higher forces in command of our reality takes a huge pressure off the shoulder.. Like… I don’t have to figure out anything… I am just gonna do my thing, with as few thoughts as I can, and trust the unfolding of Divinity right before my eyes. After all, it’s a strange loop… So ... Existence loves me, no matter what I am doing or not doing. That’s a choice. Well, I think I overwrote, like always, but it’s okay haha… Hello, Verboise, my old friend... I come to talk with you again... I am getting really sleepy. Will try to go to Tai Chi practice tomorrow morning, but it’s already 12:47 AM, so I might as well sleep in. Dunno…

1 Year Of This Journal! 365 days that I started writing here, and well this is probably the habit that I have been the most consistent about, even though I write very freely here and sometimes I even write too damn much haha... much anyway, I have been trying to find something to do with constancy that will inevitably produce results. Peak experiences are overrated; instead, I want to develop that nice foundation that is guaranteed to increase my inner peace, which is what really matters. I don't really know what I am going to write here. Was thinking of doing an overview of how my life has been going, realistically. Dunno... I want to make sure for this next year that I maintain a good balance between exposing myself here vs being consistent. Because if I start oversharing details here, I might want to destroy this journal altogether. And it's really nice to have something going on for so long. So that I can look back to my life in the future. Well, I am going to try. Work & Life Purpose My work is actually very related to my life purpose (developing clear communication), but the problem is, I want to help people in something that I myself am struggling, which is to throw yourself out there... and that's the key to learning languages (I give Pt and Eng classes). I am in a big plateau right now. Like I am not seeing results. And I admit that I lack proper technique since I never did any workshop on language instruction. Probably my biggest problem is that I haven't mastered the art of standing up for myself and looking at the things I fear right in the eye. So if I myself doubt my capacity, how will others trust me? I feel I am self-sabotaging in this area big time. I asked for a friend for help to give my classes a boost, but I honestly doubt that things will change. I lack assertiveness and organization. People tend to like me, but it's no use if my classes themselves don't have a structure... And sometimes things go very bad in the class, like the student starts speaking his or her own language. It seems like there is so much to learn that I find it overwhelming... Things I Have Learned In This Year Well, I don't feel like writing about the other areas. Just want to point out one thing I feel like I have improved in the last year: 1- the need for true friendship. I tend to get bored around people very quickly. I sometimes fantasize that I lying in my bed (while I am with others). To me, friendships never made much sense. I have always thought that it was a distraction. In reality, I think I haven't had a true friend in a LOOOng time... someone who I can be authentic with. That's my definition of friendship... But anyway, this past year I have made 3 very good friendships. I will lean on them as long as I am not totally immersed in my life purpose. I know that life purpose is where almost all the juice of life is at, but maybe I should just try to be a friend to someone, learn how to like other people... as they are... What I think has happened to me is: because at a young age I thought I couldn't rely on others, I developed this armor that allows me to be alone almost all the time, but this eventually backfires... so I feel like I need to come to the grips that I actually need people... not in a neurotic way... but actually see and talk with another human who is also self-actualizing. I had a conversation with a friend today about depression, and it feels so good to know that you are not alone in your suffering. 2- The second thing is the need for discipline and structure. Simple as that... I tend to be all over the place, so my concentration skills suck. I have two options: either I seek help, or I develop my own method for being organized. Maybe I can mix those two solutions. Observe how others do their thing and create my unique style. Because if you ever tried to develop discipline, you probably know how frustrating that can be. Like... the name should be overdiscipline... 3- Natural state of Being. >> That's where creativity comes from. As soon as I quiet down my monkey-mind, ideas start pouring. It's all a matter of connecting myself back to the Being state. There is nothing mysterious about it; it's something extremely simple. I have had experiences of Being this year especially in ayahuasca ceremonies. After a while, my ego simply surrendered and I felt the inherent peacefulness of the present moment, and I realized that what I call boredom is actually a stepping stone for entering the present moment. And the Being state can happen even if the midst of activities. Conversely, you can be doing nothing and NOT be connect with Being. So.. it's a inner thing. 4- "Spiritual" Places can be the most unspiritual places In the beginning of this journal, I emphasized how much I was going to some gospel churches, meditation group, etc. Actually deep down I don't want that. I want places where people are truly themselves. No need to be spiritual or anything... In a way, I exhausted those places and I really don't feel like going there regularly like I used to. 5- People Are Incredibly Hypocrite as far as advices are concerned It strikes me how people give you an advice today, and tomorrow they are doing the exact opposite of what they advised you. It's like a fucking joke. In a way, that is liberating because it shows how fucked up people are. And this gives a sense of relief, of like "wow, I don't have to micromanage everything I say, because everybody is talking bullshit." That sorta thing. Obviously some people sound more convincing than others. 6- Theater is a great tool for healing traumas I did a little play and it was very transforming to me. Hope to get more experiences with that. 7- It's Okay To Binge I mean we all know binging is not healthy, but it happens. Food, Netflix, 9gag, sleeping... it's so much! A year ago, I was off almost all addictions , but it wasn't authentic. I was compensating my old bad habits with new habits (such as going to church), but they didn't stick. The worst thing that can happen is not binging, but to take yourself so seriously to the point of ruminating about that you are doing it. Because a year and a half ago I was on antidepressant and despite all the negative emotions and thoughts derived from binging, I still did them. And even stronger... And the thing is, your luck can turn right before your eyes. You could have had a day of depression and the other day can also be depressive or... something new can happen. And the thing about having a young body is that it restores itself very quickly 8- No Need to Speak Loudly I got hooked especially between March-June on this idea of summoning massive will-power to conquer my anxiety and be listened. First of all, most people want to talk so desperately that they will compete with your tone of your voice so that they can speak. In the type of life I want to live, I want to be heard with my normal voice. 9- Don't Focus On Self-Improvement, but on Self-Acceptance Self-acceptance can be confused with passivity. I may do that, but there is an inner-knowing that things will auto-correct with enough time. Not everything, I know, but a lot. And my reality can change right before my eyes, as long as I am in a receptive mode. I don't need to go somewhere else, things will come to me. But for that to happen I gotta be in a relaxed state of presence. To me self-improvement is too masculine. It's as if you wanna get rid of your negative aspects... While self-acceptance gives that reassuring warmth of, "Everything is exactly how it should be." Boom... whether you like it or not... whether you think you are being too passive or not... 10- Confronting Your Fears Is Not Always Good Unfortunately I got into two arguments this year... I expressed myself 100%, but it was not worth it. I learned a lot from that, but I know that it was too neurotic... and it caused so much damage... not to mention that my ego always reminds me of that to fuel my guilt... Right now, I am too much on my comfort zone, I admit... Past (A year ago) |-------------------------------------|--------------------------------x-----| Total Comfort Zone Total Outside Comfort Zone Now |-------x------------------------------|-------------------------------------| Total Comfort Zone Total Outside Comfort Zone Future (3-31-2019) |---------------------------------x----|-------------------------------------| Total Comfort Zone Total Outside Comfort Zone Both of the extremes cause suffering... when I get neurotic about leaving my comfort zone, I lose touch of the simplicity of the present moment. When I am too stuck in my comfort zone, I feel ... not alive... Well, I have explored both poles. So I hope for this next phase to think of baby-steps to try new things. 11- Whenever You Get Too Excited About Something... Stay Alert! When I get too euphoric, as much as my ego hate to admit, it's a time to actually slow down. If I were ten times more patient, I would have gotten the results I crave for. But because I am unaware of the cycles of nature, I keep hitting my face against the wall. With the same speed that I get excited, I also get demotivated and I rush the process, which only does harm. I wanted to write 20 things here, but that's probably enough.