assx95

I have experienced blurry eyesight, a pain near the left side of my body below my lungs, shortness of breath, and yeah, irregular heartbeat, and dry itchy skin. Just try limiting it to once per day. I used to do it like 4-5 times/day.

You're very wise indeed.

I don't have the time nor the ability to test every teaching/theory empirically. I have to at some point, take it as a belief. Take non-duality for example. Having seen duality all my life, enlightenment is a belief. So, when I begin to seek enlightenment, I am essentially, seeking something which I have believed to be true, There seems to be an ideological stance there is such a thing called enlightenment and there are enlightened masters although I haven't seen or met any. It seems quite useless to be taking notes on Non-duality then, cause I am most likely to take it on as a belief system. What is the relationship between openmindedness and believing in something? Am I open-minded if I believe something to be true? It appears that openmindedness requires doubt, and that doubt has to be resolved, by an experience or reason or intuition or whatever, to a degree where it isn't a doubt, what does it become then? A belief ? My question is : How could I take notes and take action and not be ideological about the teaching on the basis of which I am taking action?

There's a whole lot which could go wrong, the mind can be twisted to any degree. To get to the point, what if tomorrow, you, I or anyone accepts that they like the idea of murdering people for some reason or for the sake of it, and think it's completely okay, completely accept the urge as their own, as part of their self expression, and start doing what they urge to do. What if, a man wants to have sex with a particular woman so bad, that they set out to achieve that goal, by any means possible, if you don't get it, the last resort being rape? The idea being that there is very little gap between owning one's urges and accepting that they're okay and acting on them. The transition wouldn't take long. And so we're conditioned since birth to control our urges. That all these temptations are sins. That we are supposed to be good boys and girls. My question is- Isn't going down the spiritual path of accepting and owning and acting on one's urges, opening a can of worms? Worms that could consume you to the last bit!

What comes to mind is, if I could imagine doing it in my head, I am capable of doing it in real life. And had if been a 13th century mongol invader or part of the spanish inquisition, then I guess, I'd be perfectly capable of doing what everyone else was doing. In this day and age, my mind has adapted to the cultural values of today's society which have taught me from the beginning how murdering and rape and torture is morally wrong and how it is culturally inappropriate. Had I been brought up in a gang in South America, which does all kinds of things, I would have been a different person. To answer the question squarely, I don't do it, cause I don't desire to do so. Also, there's fear.

I was in a long-distance with her for ~1.5 years, have met her in real life 4 times. She wanted freedom in the relationship, and as I would later realize it, she'd use that freedom to stop caring about me. Last I texted her before V day - When can I take you out on a candle-lit dinner, (her name) ? It's been 10 days, she has seen but not replied, but had time to post Instagram stories. I had an insight that if a person is so free in the relationship, that they stop caring about their partner, they are ironically, not in a relationship. I don't know what to do. I even cried yesterday. I doubt I'll hear from her again, If I don't text her. What's the greatest sign of love here? To text her asking her if she's alright, or to accept that she probably doesn't want me in her life, and to let her go.

I do strong determination sitting (for ~30 minutes) 4-5 times/week, and I manage to sit still. I'm working towards integrating emotional labor in my life, avoiding which Leo mentioned causes addiction. I've started taking responsibility of my actions by referring to myself not as "you" but "I" when I write in my commonplace book. I still jerk off everyday, although my intention is to diversify the use of sexual energy, not just for pleasure but for creativity as well, and as a life force. I forgive myself for not being to function at my potential at which I could function. I'm alright with women leaving me in the midst of a relationship. I'm trying to live in the moment, and notice the subtleties and appreciate them if I can. I'm usually more talk and less work, and I'm having a problem being effective. It's more like 1 step forward, and 3 steps backward.

I'm having a conflict, between taking responsibility for my actions and constructing my own meaning in my life, and working towards a goal vs Surrendering to whatever impulses that want to act out, and surrendering to the will of God. How do I resolve this conflict

I was in a long-distance relationship, and then our communications halted for a while. And now when I look at her video, It feels like I don't know her anymore. What is happening? Are relationships meant to be, between two people who are in touch in real life?

@Rebecca Kalamata I love your cat.

Whenever you focus on something, you're distracting yourself from something else. It's wonderful how these opposites come together. I've reached a stage where I could willfully create my own meaning, or just disperse myself into infinite distractions. I have no reason to do either. I realize I am only stacking a pile of dominoes. That no reason I think of, to do something is grounded in something absolute. To think of the very nature of my existence, It's like I am part of a giant machinery, only constrained by what I cannot do. That I am the part, and the whole. Self-awareness creates a ripple which extends to infinity. To think of the self as the self is a distraction I was born with. I don't know what I want, or who I am, or what if anything, is my task!

@Serotoninluv I notice this tendency of mine to focus outwards, and creating addictions and distractions from turning inwards. I realize I am the devil. I deceive myself. I rebel in the name of freedom, and end up trapping myself with bonds and attachments, I offer myself endless pleasures, only to give myself endless misery. I forged my own identity. And it was by design. I resist death, by design. I was designed, fated, to be the devil. I survived this far. Why would God trick himself and suffer for it?

For some reason, I don't understand.

I started my self-actualization journey with an insight : The little things I do, matter. I choose real women over porn, my imagination and my sexuality will more than suffice for the lack of it. I choose to look inwards for sexual pleasure, not outwards. I don't need a reason to not watch it, just as I did not need a reason to watch it.

Yeah man, I'm going to do my own thing. This is going to be life-transforming.

@Chew211 That's inspiring to hear. Kudos man.

Because to choose, I must distinguish. And this choice to create a distinction, gives me more freedom in contrast to being stuck in a loop of jerking off to porn which only increases its variety and choice to infinity. I'd be stuck in that rabbit hole till I have a sexual appetite. I want Mother nature to give me the sexual visions, when I need them. So Porn is not needed. I am creating all these distinctions to untie myself, to free myself cause I know from experience what keeps me stuck in a loop.

@Serotoninluv Hey! Thanks for writing your thoughts on addiction. I think it is simpler than that. I know that I will use sneaky tactics and my own intelligence against my own resolve. It's analogous to playing chess. I choose not to ground my decision on any reason or any morals. And I have given a free outlet to sexual energy, by allowing myself to masturbate, but without porn. It is porn, that I have resolved to eliminate. I may face backlash, but I refuse to negotiate with the devil. The devil I know, is no other than me. Porn to me is not good or bad, it is something which binds me, which restricts my freedom, and is a distraction from being. Unless, I happen to be indulging it, while being fully conscious. It goes full-circle. I was wrong. It is not that simple. And I can't even say that.

@Meetjoeblack This is no porn. Not nofap.

@28 cm unbuffed Thanks man.

In my country, my mother told me that after 4 months, people don't usually abort.

How then, can I, with awareness, make up anything I want?

I think just like you. My thinking twin sister.

1. I'm particularly talking about a man jerking off to internet porn. 2. Another variant would be a man jerking off, but without internet porn. I noticed that it is addictive, time consuming and saps energy. It also has this other side to it- where it releases built-up tension, sexual or otherwise. I've noticed that there is the buildup which lasts ~20x-40x more than the climax, which is usually 1-4 seconds, and then is half-minute of post nut clarity, and then a low energy and negative vibe if it was the second-third time in the day, or simply peace when it has been 5-7 days since I last fapped. But there is dissatisfaction after the act, like I didn't get what I wanted. That this is too short and very mild compared to what I was expecting during the buildup. Do you guys fap whilst on the self-actualization journey? Is it a setback or a necessary tool?