Shin

The weird moment when you realize you're not afraid to die, but to love yourself infinitely

I will be very blunt, but that needs to be said somehow (I don't hate you ). There is too many redflags. Maybe you need the suffering to get it, but this won't work, you're both needy and undeveloped psychologically. This will end in a unhealthy relationship, with psychological and/or physical violence on the mid/long term if you decide to stay together, because of the neediness and attachment. If you don't want to waste your time, dump him and focus only on yourself for quite some time. Read about female/male psychology from legit source (like David Deida for example), do lots of inner work to one way or another get the root of the neediness and attachment, which is translated by you accepting to enter any kind of relationships with lesser men. Sometimes you need to back off and focus just on you, especially when it comes to relationships. There is things you need to solve before being able to handle a healthy relationship, and until that is done, there won't be a healthy person that will be interested in you, or if it does, this person will leaves you when he will understand you're not developed enough anyway. Also, you don't change someone, they do or they don't. This guy sounds like a huge and dense ego, and has a LOT of work to do, possibly for life to even get some sense of peace one day. If you stay with him, you'll limit yourself greatly for years or maybe decades until the relationship is over. But again, maybe you need the pain and suffering to become conscious of this like I did, but this doesn't have to be this way though. Read again those points, and if you still can't see how it already is doomed, then you definitely need to learn more about healthy relationships and healthy understanding of the opposite sex:

Nothingness doesn't imply that. Nothingness is all form, is all the point of views. It's just everything, which is the same as saying it's nothing. Can't grasp that with the mind though, at best you can accept it as a possibility, but you have to experience directly. It's all the thing you said, but their opposites too, it's utterly paradoxical, that's why the mind can't grasp it, and the only way to understand it is to be it.

Feels sad from the point of view of a self which believes it isn't alone. It feels sad because you need to believe there is other people, otherwise it undermines your sense of reality and your belief that you exist as a separate self. Now stop philosophising and just find the truth in your direct experience, don't believe anyone, it doesn't do anything to believe someone or yourself, you actually have to see it for real.

A mental breakdown can only happen to a self that believes in the thoughts it experiences. If the thoughts and the mind are seen as what they are, a mental breakdown is not possible for your true self, only for the illusion that the true self experiences. So even if it happens, it's the illusion that experiences it, not you. An awakened being sees that so clearly that suffering becomes literally impossible, even if the illusion that it incarnates has a mental breakdown.

If you mean deep sleep, it is still an experience, since you can say that it happened.

The pain is worth it, isn't it ?

Another crazy day I had a dream where I was like "oh, but this just like reality, interesting !" Then I wake up and realized "oh, but this is just like a dream, intere... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" My chest was so cold and dead, it was super powerful and then vanished in a few seconds. Then I think I passed out as a defense mechanism, because I don't quite remember if I was truly awake or in another dream. It's kind of the same thing now anyway, so that's kind of becoming really uncomfortable and weird really fast I hope you know what you're doing with this, this isn't some philosophy like Leo says, your whole reality will change. I don't think it needs to be uncomfortable or scary, otherwise you would think that it's necessary and scared yourself needlessly (which could be what I'm doing subconsciously thb). Just be careful and take care of your psychological health first, be peaceful and detached to 95% of events that happens in life, even the big ones first. Because honestly, if my mind was the same as two years ago, I could become insane or have backlashes so huge that my life would become miserable very quickly. There is a very good reason why most spiritual teacher tries to get yourself out of your mind and to make you peaceful first, of course it makes easier to get deep, but it's also because they know you would go insane if you didn't. Please be careful

Oh boy this is becoming serious shit It's been a few days that I almost constantly inquire if I'm still dreaming, and it's quite uncomfortable. It brings me to tear and lots of fear creeps in when I inquire too deeply and genuinely. My body starts to be tense, my breath starts to become short and shallow. All your knowledge about spirituality only counts for one thing at that point, to give explanation that you're not becoming crazy (maybe ) I'm taking the advice of @Mu_ and stay with it for at least 5 or 10 minutes, and don't try to push through it needlessly for some weeks now. But nowadays it literally feels like my sense of what is real and what isn't is starting to fade. When I walk or just sit, and simply ask "What if I'm still dreaming", everything becomes translucid, with a shared sense of self, and it's like nothing outside the field of perception exist. Like I was testing it by turning my gaze fast from one direction to another, and it's like everything is constructed in a flash millisecond. I also touch the body like a newborn does, having no idea what is is really The most disturbing moment is when I stop in the middle of the street and do this gaze thing actually, I'm like not sure AT ALL if I'm still dreaming or not, It can become so disturbing that I have to close my eyes to not see that everything is starting to feels less solid Bear with me I'll try not to flee this time

When the ego thinks he knows When the ego face reality

Thank you The book is not really about manifestation (even though technically it is), it's about Love

Oh boy I had a dream which had three level, in each of them I awakened, realizing it was a dream, then soon after I was in another, totally unconscious again. This was such a mindfuck that I was shaking and crying in my bed telling myself "I'm still dreaming, I'm still dreaming, I'm still dreaming" I only remember the last level of the dream, in which I was seeing a guy (that I was identified to until I awakened in the dream) with a burned face trying to kill the computer from "A space Odyssey". The computer was saying "I did this to you forever, and will continue to do it for eternity". It wasn't the computer talking actually, it was me. Then I woke up as Shin.

Open the gate of the soul by letting in and out the love you are

This is based on my personal experience, it may vary depending on your life experience, personality, if you have a victim or an assertive mindset, if you live your life purpose etc … Also, this is a spectrum, so you can be between any stage to more or a less degree, there are an infinite in between stage. This should be obvious, but this a is a (biaised) concept, which I mostly write now to not forget about it in some years. So of course it's not perfect and ultimately true. Stage 4 ???

There is 3 huge and major traps if you are on the spiritual path Those traps, even if fully conscious of them will still be very relevant to be wary off They will stay with you all your life, even if you awaken (especially if you awaken). Those traps are really sneaky, and won't feel like trap to you at all. They will feel like it's how life is now, and you won't even necessarily be able to spot them , Even with great concentration and contemplation you might still be able to deceive yourself. So the reason I'm trying to explain them to you is for you to constantly remind yourself of them, At least once a month, read again this post, and watch videos about them please . Not only that, but contemplate deeply about them too for at least one hour a month. You don't have to change anything in your life, It's not because you were deceiving yourself for months/years that something has to change, Change will happen by itself if you become aware of your own blindspots. Some people stay in those traps all their lives, never knowing they are in the middle of them This is not some random philosophical theories, you have all of them to some degree in you right now (everyone does). The first trap is what I call "Avoidant spiritual bypassing" This is when you unconsciously avoid things you actually need to do in your life to grow spiritually. Things you avoid by thinking you don't need them anymore, Because "Happiness is not found in things" Even though that is true, your mind can still subconsciously think it needs certain things to be happy Even if you consciously tell yourself you don't. For example, you may think you don't need intimate relationships anymore, because you can (and must) be happy all by yourself, as God. Wrong If you never had a fulfilling intimate relationship, especially if you were a late virgin, or just a guy/girl who never had much success with the opposite sex The chance of you genuinely not needing mentally a fulfilling relationship, is close to 0%. You need the experience to realize you don't need it You need to actually have the experience in reality, not in your mind, and see that it can't fulfill you. Of course, there is a trap inside the trap. You need proper knowledge about this in the first place, so in this example you need to read why a relationship can't fulfill you. Not only this, but you need to be conscious enough while you have the relationship to be able to see this, so you need proper meditation/consciousness work too. And if that wasn't enough, not everything has to be experienced to understand that you genuinely don't need it. That is relative to every individual, and you have to find out for yourself which experiences you need to have to remove the emotional blockages in you. The second trap is what I call "Indulging spiritual bypassing" This is the vice-versa of the first trap. Here you don't reject an experience, you justify yourself by citing spiritual beliefs about it. "Nothing exist anyway, I imagine everything ! NOTHING MATTERS !!!" With this kind of trap, you just indulge in everything your mind tells you to indulge in. It's a mindstate where you fundamentally reject any kind of responsability. The same way that you can tell yourself you don't need anything to be happy You can tell yourself you don't need to act ethically or smartly anymore. Remember, "NOTHING EXIST !!!" So for exemple, you may start to think that commitment doesn't matter anymore, That you can force your wife/husband (or even cheat) to be in an open relationship. Because, "We're all one lul". On some deep level, that might be true, and you could even be genuinely into that. But for most people, this is just an escape to avoid responsability and do whatever their lower self craves. This lower self is only there because their mind isn't quiet and stable, those needs aren't really needs, they are self-created by an unstable mind. The repercussion of that is quite obvious, Losing your wife/husband and/or making them suffer greatly, Just because of some spiritual belief that you're using to indulge in your selfish and fake (and materialists) needs. Be careful not to use the excuse that you need the experience to know for sure here. On some case that might be true, On most of them you're just being extremely (unknowingly) selfish and weak. The third trap is what I call "Concept-Land" This trap is all about you using spirituality as a new identity, and not about doing the work at all. You tell yourself you're spiritual, you speak spiritual, you eat spiritual, you walk spiritual, you look spiritual. But you don't do any deep consciousness/shadow work at all. It's just a coping mechanism to avoid life at large, and feeling that you belong to a community. You basically just parrot what spiritual teachers says, but don't apply practically what they mean through them. You use spirituality as a way to give you hope that "one day I will merge with the universe" The same way a Christian tells himself "one day I will be in heaven" And that is a big problem Because spirituality is all about embodying its deep truths in reality Not as thoughts. There is zero value to know any spiritual concepts if you don't apply them Because what will happen if you don't, Is that you will fall in the first two traps Over and over and over and over and over again Without even realizing it's the case ... Your whole life will be a gigantic trap to avoid doing real spiritual practice By thinking you're spiritual !!! So how do you get out of those traps ? How do you know what you truly wants and don't ? You have to be willing to be very honest with yourself. Even if it means feeling deep deep deep pain. You need to understand that this pain is there because you always refused to look at it. You need to understand that it will only get worse if you don't seriously dig in it. This is no joke, Your whole life is on the line here. The only way this is gonna be done is by contemplating deeply what you are avoiding/overindulging or identify to in your life. When you find out something that is emotionally difficult to think about, Meaning that you can't question that belief without feeling pain, This is when you know there is something to dig. When you actually dig one of them, you start to educate yourself on the subject. Also, you need to have a stable meditation practice everyday on top of it (20 minutes +). By increasing your awareness, by being accutely aware of every of those traps, year by year, You'll see the commonalities of how they are created, and you won't fall into them that easily anymore, Even if you didn't experienced them in the first place, you will be able to intuitively know it's a trap. Don't use what the above sentence is saying to get yourself into more of those traps though !!! Be alert and attentive to your emotions !!!

There are many more traps Unfortunately

I'm not going to come back here until I awaken. I'm literally crying now, because I know there will be no stalling anymore. I can't push it away any longer.

The Way Of The Superior Man.

Yeah you need to work on your self esteem and your attachment issue. The two goes together. You can find lots of videos on youtube about that, try «Improvement pill», it's a really good channel for personal developement work. And of course Actualized.org too ? Also don't neglect to meditate everyday, that helps a lot too. You're gonna be ok, just do the work ?

Me too, I'm uninstalling everything all over again. I have things to face, and it kinda distract me quite a lot ?

Yes it's basically shadow work

I'm not saying we need it. I'm saying you can think you don't need it consciously, when you still subconsciously need it. But again, this is just one example out of millions possible. Another example: An ex alcoholic can deny he doesn't need beer, but when he goes to a party he has pretty much has to stay in the bathroom in order to not feel the big lie inside In this example, it's pretty much impossible to lie to yourself about it, unless you live a life where you never see any beer ever again. In most cases, you can completely deny something you still desire subconsciously, and never knowing about it. Denying something you stillneed psychologically has always a negative consequence on how you feel,