Raphael

As I'm writing this, things feel very painful for me but I guess that this is what making bold life changes is about. I feel a lot of burn in my stomach and in my chest, something is trying to come back to the surface but this is difficult. It is appearing and disappearing, appearing and disappearing. It seems to be all about self-expression. I noticed that when I'm writing more I'm gaining confidence and it feels good. I spent 4 years barely speaking to anyone, barely expressing myself. At a point I got so much isolated that it felt like I was loosing my cognitive capacities and it felt scary because of how much I value the mind. However often time the mind is an escape from the pain and I hidden in the mind most of my life. I'm just at the beginning of the process, I barely scratched the surface so far. The last 4 years have been the most painful years for me yet I still haven't inspected my childhood properly. So far I don't have any addictions which is a good sign but I have difficulties making what I want to make. I've been ashamed of my failures for years, I've been ashamed of not fulfilling societies expectations, my dad's expectations, my family expectations, Leo's expectations. When I'm ashamed, when I lack self-esteem I recluse. When I have self-esteem, I interact with others and I started to gain back this self-esteem in recent months. This journal is a mess but I didn't had anything in mind while starting it, it is just there for self-expression even if it looks ugly, even if I cringe, even if I feel ashamed and it feels good. It is possible to know what people feels from what they are writing and as I'm writing more and more I feel more liberated and more authentic. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I had difficulties with vulnerabilities most of my life I think that I absorbed that from my dad because he always hidden his vulnerabilities and reacted aggressively, he couldn't admit any mistakes even the smallest one.

True self, true self, fully integrated Raphael reveal yourself as simple, complex, and sophisticated that you are.

Sleep will help. It will reveal my fully integrated self.

It is at stage Turquoise and beyond (cause let's be honest I'm reaching it and I can see some Yellow limitations from a Turquoise perspective. This is also another reason why I have been so much agitated lately)

It feels vivid. It feels beautiful. It feels complex and sophisticated yet easily understandable. It feels clear. It knows where it goes and enjoy what it does. It feels balanced. It feels kind and strong at the same time. It feels powerful. It helps and ask for help. It is generous. It feels serious without being serious. It feels mature and responsible while having fun at the same time. It feels like an adult and like a kid at the same time. It is holistic. It is not afraid of sharing what it is afraid of. It is deep, very deep, deeper than anyone can image yet simple in appearance. It is self-expressive. It knows how to do the right thing at the right time. It has all its chackras opened It feels self-accepting. It feels blissfully action-oriented. It feels being God. It feels leading and cooperative.

How does being fully integrated feels like?

For the moment, it's 12:27 PM. I was supposed to go to bed at 9PM while I'm there talking to myself, feeling some burn in my chest, feeling my intestines twisting themselves, feeling some shame, breathing quickly, spitting on the floor, and trying to sort myself out. I'll contact my friend who is also my boss who have the same age as me tomorrow morning. I'll tell him that I'm going to work from home as I almost didn't sleep of the entire night.

How does both feels like? Let's try.

As both.

How am I supposed to live my life? As a man? As a woman? As both?

Yes, this is true. Yes, this is a problem of balance again: I've been shamed by my dad for not being masculine enough, for being weak. I've been shamed by my sister for being bitter and not being as kind and agreable as her. It feels like she says to me what she is afraid to say to my dad.

Is it true? Because sometimes I also feel too much feminine. Is it a problem of balance again? Is it related to this part work session that I did weeks ago?

I've had enough masculinity in my life.

The feminine part.

The loving part? The caring part? The self-accepting part? The feminine part? The mother part? The sister part?

What is this part?

There's a part of my personality who is trying to get back to the surface. A part of me who have been denied since too long.

People know me without knowing me. Who is @Raphael ? Oh just this guy who stays alone all the time.

During all these years I barely shared anything about me, only 3% - 4% of who I am. This is similar to my attitude in real life: I'm here without being here, I exists without existing.

@Raphael This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. Alright, this is alright, this is alright, everything is gonna be alright. Everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright. This is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this alright. @Raphael Breath... just breath This is alright, everything is ok, everything is going to be ok. This is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright. This is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright.

It always comes back to the same feeling: the feeling of not being enough. From the outside I'm a normal human being, probably in the top 20% of what is supposed to be healthy. Most people have a good opinion of me, yet there's still this feeling of not being enough. This insecure ego hides itself behind anything that it can: Good look: look at how good looking I am, I'm better than you Bad look: look at how bad looking I am, I'm better than you for being not good looking Muscles: look at how muscular I am, you are so weak Intellect: look at how intellectual I am, you are so dumb Being dumb: look at how dumb I am, you are bad for being intelligent Spirituality: look at how spiritual I am, I don't have anything to do with non-spiritual people Online journaling: look at how much I journal and how much practical journals I create Work, Discipline, Organization: look at how much organized, disciplined, and hard working I am Insecurity: look at how insecure I am Confidence & Self-Esteem: look at how confident and how much self-esteem I have Self-acceptance: look at how self-accepting I am, you are bad for not being as self-accepting as me Being fucked: look at how fucked up I am Running fast: look at how fast I run Stage Yellow: look how much stage Yellow I am God: yeah, I'm God. I'm better than anyone cause I'm God It is a feeling of importance coming from a feeling of un-importance.

I'm am exhausting this feeling, it takes time but I am exhausting it. I had and still have some forum ego. I used this forum to get the attention that I didn't got when I was a kid, I did it by creating journals like the ones below. Now, there's nothing good or bad about that, what matters is that it comes from an healthy place. In my case the feeling behind these journals was: "Look at how self-actualizing I am, look at how much work I put in. I'm showing you publicly how much self-actualizing I am, how much disciplined, how much I work, how much serious I am".

Going back to this forum earlier than expected and trying to deconstruct it is exactly what backsliding means. While creating this thread, i had this feeling: "Look at how good I am, I have the capacity to deconstruct actualized.org". I don't even know if I want to do that anymore, I'm a bit confused and disoriented. One thing that I am sure is that doing some shadow work on Leo is going to be useful. The first time that I watched one of his videos I was frightened by the similarities between me and him. It felt like being face to face with my clone, it felt like talking to myself.

By unhealthy, I don't necessarily mean super depressed and having serious issues but average or below average. This is the majority of any society.

What is the structure behind actualized.org? How is actualized.org social matrix interconnected to other social matrices? How is actualized.org social matrix works as a sub holon of the greater social matrix? Who is attracted to actualized.org? What similarities do people here share with Leo? What similarities do I share with Leo? What's the structure of Leo? How does Leo as a system interacts with other systems?