Raphael

Overview Of The Last Five Years: 2016 - 2020 2016: Existential Crisis I started to meditate during this year, but my solitude was so high and I felt so out of the place in France that I had my first existential crisis. My entire world collapsed and my selfish dreams with it, I realized that the reason I wanted to become a successful rich and powerful entrepreneur was to take my revenge on life against many people who treated me badly in the past. I was angry and wanted to become someone of power to be able to dominate other people. I fell in a deep depression when I realized how selfish I was. I also had this year my first spiritual experience who scared the shit out of me, I felt like I was dying, I wasn't feeling I was looking at myself in the mirror, but just at another human being. 2017: Recovery, Another Experience Abroad, And Fall Again The existential crisis continued at the beginning of the year, but I wanted to evolve and notably become more social. My university had an agreement with another university in the UK to exchange eight students for an internship and I chose to be part of it. As we didn't have a lot of money, we choose to live together in the same house. We had some trouble, but we sorted that out. I worked closely with a local researcher/teacher and a student. I improved my English a lot through practicing, I also for the first time went to nightclubs. I felt good in my group, I was doing things differently, but they accepted myself and I liked it. I was happy during this internship. After that, I went back to France, got my degree and got back to Mauritius where I found another internship. When I got back I realized the psychological gap between people in Europe and people in my native country. I felt like a foreigner in my own native country and many people thought the same. I got bullied a lot in my workplace and I realized how closed-minded people are, they didn't accept any kind of difference. I quitted after three months were I should have stayed at least one year. 2018: Deepest Depression So Far I got back to my parent's house after quitting my job last year and fall into a very deep depression. I was very angry at the world and at my dad in particular. I found another job in another company a little far away from my home, so I had to take the bus and spent 3 hours in public transports every day. I was waking up at 4:30 AM, going to the gym, preparing myself, taking the bus from 6:30 - 7:00 AM and I was back home at 6:00 PM. I also wanted to create my own business, so I started to work in the bus, at night, and during the weekend. At a moment the pressure and all the negative emotions were so high that I exploded and experienced my first panic attacks. Some months after that I chose to live my family house to go live in the same city where I worked to stay away from my dad and stop losing time in public transport. I had some more panic attacks in my little apartment, but find out that I needed to accept an love myself otherwise it would have killed me. Due to my lack of knowledge and experience, the business I was working on collapsed. However, I started to feel better at the end of the year by accepting myself and letting go of the past. I even had some moments of extase where I was blown away by reality. 2019: Resurrection I choose to let go and accept everything during this year, I started to love myself a lot more and accept the unconsciousness of my country. I started to understand a lot of things who pushed me more into stage green/yellow. I felt better and better, happier and happier. I didn't do a lot of things during this year, but I recovered a lot from past traumas. I quit my job and went live back in my family house again, I accepted my dad and its impulsiveness, I started loving things that I never loved before and I started a freelance web development business. I pushed my meditation habit to 1 hour per day, and I felt happier than I've ever been in my life. 2020: Getting Started in the Business World This first year of freelancing have been really rough. I underestimated my self-esteem issues and how rough the business world could be. My personal issues caused me to make ridiculously low amount of money. I finally found some light at the end of the tunnel when I started to get more quality clients and made a first acceptable amount of money last month. I feel better and more assertive than last year as I move further and further away from shitty work environments and shitty co-workers where my role would be to shut up, submit to the authority, and do the work. However, I still have some thoughts about the past that come back again and again. I failed in all my resolutions for this year, but I grew up anyway.

This year was a failure, but I did some progress overall.

Survival: eat -> gain energy to work -> buy food -> eat Any communication: get words from the environment -> share these words -> get other words in reaction -> share these words again Change: dissatisfaction -> change -> new problems created by change -> dissatisfaction -> change again "I hate people, they are always angry against me so I hate them" This is a strange loop I am a strange loop Happiness through materialism: unhappiness -> chase money -> buy something to get happy -> unhappiness again after 1/2 months Thoughts create emotions, then emotions create thoughts that create emotions that create thoughts

Yeah, and also creating deficiencies in some activities looks fine for me as long as we can cover the necessary need. Going to the gym 3 times per week is enough to stay fit while we can still have a cognitively demanding job. But, to go back to the subject it looks like it's always the same thing. People who think that "it was better before" think that way because for many years they worked and lived by exercising some parts of their brain (or body) and now need to change, but have trouble to change because it looks like they are loosing some stuff (and it can be true in some cases) and are also usually older and more rigid.

Why do some people think that things were better before? Why do they dream about the "good old times"? This is strange because sometimes older people share stories about how life was difficult before and points out that we are living in abundance today (at least in the developed world, and when the pandemic will be over). Do people just loose their memory, or only focus on the positives, or lack education? What are the psychological mechanisms behind these ideas?

1 January 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:00 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:50 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 03:21 PM - 04:03 PM I worked on the app and did a little of WordPress maintenance Focus: 3/5 Duration: 42 minutes 07:09 PM - 07:35 PM I responded to a few people, changed some name servers, and uploaded a video Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 26 minutes 09:12 PM - 10:19 PM I uploaded an article and did a little of WordPress maintenance Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 7 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 09:20 AM - 10:35 AM I worked on the web app Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 15 minutes 11:11 AM - 12:15 AM I worked on the app, but got stuck Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 4 minutes 01:39 PM - 03:11 PM I worked on the web app, found a solution to the previous issues, but wasn't that focused Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 32 minutes When I don't expect to work, I get some work; when I want to work, I cannot find work. Life is crazy. Average Focus: 3.33 / 5 (objective at least 4 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 11 minutes, including 3 hours 51 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 30 minutes)

Your answer is interesting. Do you think that all of these progresses includes restructuring human activities to be more focused on certain aspects of life rather than other one? And also creating new form of activities (like going to the gym) in order to deal with the deficiency created by those changes? Would there be activities that could be eliminated without consequences?

Thanks for your answers guys. I also want to add that it seems like the fast progress and increasing complexities in societies makes many people unable to handle change and cause them to cling to the past.

31 December 2020 Wake Up Time: 06:30 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:25 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:18 AM - 09:39 AM I added some images to a website Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 21 minutes 08:01 PM - 08:08 PM I responded to a client Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 7 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 10:07 AM - 11:38 AM I went back on the front-end app work Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 31 minutes 11:51 AM - 12:54 AM I continued the previous work. I had a lot of unrelated thoughts and also distracted myself a little Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 3 minutes 03:20 PM - 04:40 PM I continued the previous work. I distracted myself a little too much Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 20 minutes 08:14 PM - 09:17 PM I worked on the web app Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 3 minutes Average Focus: 3.33 / 5 (objective at least 4 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 25 minutes, including 4 hours 57 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 30 minutes)

Sustainable Development Goals Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sustainable_Development_Goals More information: https://sdgs.un.org List of the goals: No Poverty Zero Hunger Good Health and Well-being Quality Education Gender Equality Clean Water and Sanitation Affordable and Clean Energy Decent Work and Economic Growth Industry, Innovation and Infrastructure Reducing Inequality Sustainable Cities and Communities Responsible Consumption and Production Climate Action Life Below Water Life On Land Peace, Justice, and Strong Institutions Partnerships for the Goals

I can't stop thinking about spiral dynamics all day. This shit is stuck in my head.

Yes. My dad is red/orange, I never had a proper discussion with him in my entire life. Even if we live in the same house, he is dead for me since at least 10 years. My mom is orange/green and also have some of blue in her because of her religion. My sister is mostly green, but also have some of blue because of her religion. My grandma is beige/blue. Beige because she is very old now and cannot take care of herself. Blue because she believes is god, is attached to her country, have some ethnocentric values, and see man and women as having fixed roles in life. I'm mostly orange/green, and I maybe have 10% of yellow in me.

30 December 2020 Wake Up Time: 06:50 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 12:10 AM - 01:13 AM I started by continuing the previous work, then got interrupted by a call Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 3 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 09:16 AM - 10:09 AM I worked on the housing page of the the web app Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 53 minutes 10:34 AM - 11:56 AM I continued the work on the web app Focus: 3.75/5 Duration: 1 hour 22 minutes 02:23 PM - 03:21 PM I improved the select design Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 58 minutes 03:30 PM - 04:32 PM I continued the previous work Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes Average Focus: 3.45 / 5 (objective at least 4 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 19 minutes, including 4 hours 15 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 30 minutes)

This is incredible.

The entire human reproduction cycle is a strange loop.

This music makes me happy when working.

29 December 2020 Wake Up Time: 07:10 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 07:38 PM - 09:27 PM I responded to a client, added an article, added a banner, and did other maintenance tasks Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 49 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 08:15 AM - 10:00 AM I worked on the application Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 45 minutes 11:10 AM - 12:15 AM I worked on the application. I also distracted myself a bit Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 5 minutes 01:29 PM - 05:13 PM I worked on the application Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 44 minutes 03:20 PM - 04:41 PM I responded to a few persons and continued the work on the application Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 21 minutes Average Focus: 3.4 / 5 (objective at least 4 / 5) Total Work Duration: 7 hours 44 minutes, including 5 hours 55 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 30 minutes)

I feel like my need for success is not fulfilled yet.

28 December 2020 Wake Up Time: 06:50 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 10:22 AM - 10:36 AM I responded to a client Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 24 minutes 01:38 PM - 01:44 PM I responded to a client Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 6 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 03:30 PM - 04:32 PM I did some improvements on the previous web app. They were at lot of noises outside Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 32 minutes 07:25 PM - 09:10 PM Some people are really unpredictable... It seems like I'm going to have a little more work than I expected for this end of year. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 45 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 4 / 5) Total Work Duration: 3 hours 47 minutes, including hours minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 1 hour 3 minutes (objective at least 30 minutes)