Raphael

Something just happened to me. I was having a conversation with a client and I told him that I worked much more than expected this month, he responded that it wasn't the case. What basically happened is miscommunication and I ended up doing much more than I was supposed to do. He told me that it wasn't his fault and that I was responsible for everything. I personally think that it was both of us as a miscommunication can only happen between at least two people. So... he wants me to take full responsibility for this and pays for everything. I think that we should compensate a minimum for each other, and both of us take charge, so... I should get pay but not as much as normal. He seems very stage orange. What do you think? P-S: I'm not sure if I'm trying to manipulate the situation here, maybe I'm trying?

For a few years, I have been entertaining a feeling of fear in my abdomen. Sometimes it is burning like a fire inside that prevents me to sleep. This is not something temporary, but something that I have been dealing with for a few years. The first time it happened was during my first panic attack. Even if I don't have panic attacks now, I noticed that this feeling sometimes becomes stronger when I deal with people who show strong emotions like anger, jealousy, bitterness (toxic stuff in general), or when I want to go fast to attain my goals, or when I watch porn. I also had this feeling one time when watching a TV show and when the character was in a difficult situation. I don't really know how to let it go. What would be general steps, things to check, and/or to explore?

15/03/2021 (Week 8) If I am more accepting of my anger... I'll understand where my anger is coming from I'll feel my anger I'll work on my anger I'll let go of my anger I'll be able to understand myself I'll be able to understand my suffering I'll be able to understand my pain If I deny and disown my anger... I keep my anger in myself I share this anger with people I push back people I feel agitated I limit my progress I limit my love I entertain fear If I am accepting of my sexuality... I'll accept that I have needs I wouldn't be ashamed of my sexuality my relationship to my body would be more healthy I'll appreciate being sexual I'll feel happier being myself I'll deal better with my sexual cravings If I deny and disown my sexuality... I repress natural needs I feel restricted I feel limited I don't feel authentic I close myself from myself I stay away from finding a partner

15 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:03 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:45 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 07:31 PM - 07:40 PM I responded to a client Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 9 minutes 08:06 PM - 08:59 PM I had a conversation with a client Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 53 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 08:51 AM - 09:57 AM I worked on my app statistics board Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 6 minutes 10:15 AM - 12:02 AM I continued the previous improvements Focus: 3.75/5 Duration: 1 hour 47 minutes 01:15 PM - 04:32 PM I completed the previous work. Created a pull request and merged it Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 17 minutes 02:40 PM - 04:37 PM A started to work on a new statistics table Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 57 minutes Average Focus: 3.54 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 7 hours 9 minutes, including 6 hours 7 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

@Arcangelo I have been moving from stage orange to green since the past 3 years.

How To Move Someone From Stage Orange To Stage Green? Something just happened to me. I was having a conversation with a client and I told him that I worked much more than expected this month, he responded that it wasn't the case. What basically happened is miscommunication and I ended up doing much more than I was supposed to do. He told me that it wasn't his fault and that I was responsible for everything. I personally think that it was both of us as a miscommunication can only happen between at least two people. So... he wants me to take full responsibility for this and pays for everything. I think that we should compensate a minimum for each other, and both of us take charge, so... I should get pay but not as much as normal. He seems very stage orange. What do you think?

@Surfingthewave Yeah, sometimes I'm afraid of my fear and afraid of resolving my traumas. This is a quite ironical strange loop. What did you do to solve your issues aside from therapy and stopping meditation? @neovox Thank you. I did some breathwork in the past, it's a little difficult, but quite powerful. I will do more of it in the future

Harsh Inner Voice I noticed that my inner voice is pretty harsh. When I read the comments on this forum, this inner voice is harsh too. It is harsh like the voice of my dad and other people who hurt me...

14/03/2021 (Week 7) I any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... accept being in fear accept being in pain breath when faced to pain try to find the source of my pains experience difficult emotions take responsibility to heal myself take responsibility to forgive people take responsibility to understand the dynamics behind pain and fear and their role in life accept being myself heal myself heal my traumas

Weekly Statistics (08 March 2021 - 14 March 2021) Total Working Hours 25 hours 54 minutes Average Focus 3.41 / 5

14 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:05 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:33 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective 0 minutes) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

When they are emotional triggers, when I work (I have some work traumas). Sometimes I feel a craving to self-actualize and want to go fast and try to go fast, and therefore it increases this fear. I also feel like it can happen when someone wants to become close to me, but I'm not sure, I need to inspect that more. I didn't try that many things except doing some introspection and a little of forgiveness. Yeah, it can be in the stomach and also a little upper. Sometimes it is near my chest. I is trying to resolve past traumas and process accumulated pain and fears. Maybe. I think they are faster than usual when I experience the fear. My diet is healthy. I eat eggs and fish, but no meats. I also eat rice every day with vegetables and fruits. I don't take medications.

Fear For a few years, I have been entertaining a feeling of fear in my abdomen. Sometimes it is burning like a fire inside that prevents me to sleep. This is not something temporary, but something that I have been dealing with for a few years. The first time it happened was during my first panic attack. Even if I don't have panic attacks now, I noticed that this feeling sometimes becomes stronger when I deal with people who show strong emotions like anger, jealousy, bitterness (toxic stuff in general), or when I want to go fast to attain my goals. I also had this feeling one time when watching a TV show and when the character was in a difficult situation. I don't really know how to let it go. What would be general steps, things to check, and/or to explore?

I think this is the case, but also that they are multiple facets when it comes to the mind. The issue is that most people are victims of their minds rather than master of it. For example, believing in conspiracy theories is more being a victim of the mind where using Spiral Dynamics is more using the mind in a healthy way (even if Spiral Dynamics uses beliefs and need to be validated and balanced by experience). So... yes, all of this gives a sense of control, but the quality of it is not always the same. For me, it looks like the higher the consciousness, the healthier the mind. When someone functions at a high level of consciousness, the mind is not a burden, but a quality asset that allows him/her to be creative, feel joy, and deal with life. Someone like this has probably a better ability to switch on/off the mind and don't get overblown by it. I read a post from Leo where he said that his mind is very creative and that he has many insights every day. I bet that in 10 - 20 years, Leo will still use his mind a lot. It's just a tool for life. We can communicate through this forum because we use a combination of tools: eyes, hands, intuition, emotions, and the mind. Removing any of these tools would break this communication. I think that I just got lost in my mind Your video is funny btw, I never really watched SpongeBob in the past. I also remember Sadhguru saying something like this: "If we remove parts of people's brains, it would make them happy!"

13/03/2021 (Week 7) I any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... recognize that I am in pain recognize that I am fearful accept to heal myself take responsibility to heal myself forgive people who hurt me relax my body breath profoundly allow myself to be myself

13 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:12 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:32 (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:36 AM - 10:25 AM I updated plugins on a website and added internal links Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 49 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 11:00 AM - 12:12 AM I started to implement a data table on my app. I did a lot of progress Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes 01:27 PM - 02:53 PM I continued the work on the table Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 26 minutes 03:01 PM - 04:32 PM I searched for quality icons, but finally choose to use the ones provided by the library. I also continued the design of the statistics table Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 31 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 4 hours 58 minutes, including 4 hours 9 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

One day I almost had a panic attack while thinking about a complex system. I was so excited when I was exploring possibilities and interconnecting dots that my mind couldn't handle it anymore. I started to feel my heartbeat going faster and faster, but hopefully, I controlled it. However, that was only temporary until I got my first panic attack caused by an overactive mind and fears. The multiple experiences that I had were very difficult, but I felt liberated and clear after that. From my POV, it looks like experiencing intense fear is a necessary step before moving into being. You will probably experience that too at some point and more than one time. But even after, I don't know if the need for analysis will be exhausted because people have different personality types that influence their enlightenment.

So Many Thoughts Sometimes I would like to be like these people who don't really think that much about life and just live it. These people usually say things like: "Don't think too much, it's not good.", they also usually aren't that smart, but at least they enjoy the present moment which is something that is difficult for me to do. My mind is naturally explosive and very agitated, I can surely calm it down through meditation, yoga and other practices, but at the same time I don't think I should get rid of it because its my greatest asset and it feels authentic and natural to use it.

Masculinity and Feminity The Dating, Relationships, Sexuality subforum got pretty fired up recently. I learned a lot from reading the discussions and also noticed some biases that I have, both biological and cultural. I don't like conservative values, but what I noticed is that regarding man and woman relationships, they are some deep truths in those conservative values. However, the issue since the beginning of humanity is that these values have been unbalanced which caused a lot of suffering to women. And it also caused a lot of suffering for men and women who had preferences that weren't in accordance with typical gender roles, notably LGBTQ+ people. Men that weren't so manly and who didn't have so much strength as we would expect from a man suffered and women that were more logical and action-oriented than we expected from women also suffered. The current tendency in developed countries is a shift from inequality to equality for both genders. I think that it will improve a lot the general situation for women, but it will also cause some internal issues. Women will be more liberated and men will be in more contact with women which is great, but I think that many people will turn equality into an ideology. I think that some men who are already toxic will become more and more toxic and will justify some behaviors by using the argument of gender equality. For example: not helping a woman with heavy weights because she is supposed to be as equal as a man; not giving emotional support to a woman because she is supposed to be like a man, be logical, not caring, and just do the thing; avoiding responsibility and always complaining because a man is supposed to be as "weak" (for the toxic man perspective, not from my perspective) as a woman; etc. I also think that some normal average men are becoming toxic because they feel confused by all this gender-equality stuff and feel oppressed and feel like they are losing their role in society. Finally, some women will become toxic too by taking equality as an ideology and will try to do everything like a man but will lose connection to their femininity. Both men and women will try to convince (and maybe even force) other men and women to do things like the other gender because of equality while at the same time dismissing natural preferences. Green will solve a lot of issues, but will also create a lot of confusion between men and women. I don't think that the solution should be oppression, nor equality, but a dance between two persons' strengths and weaknesses.

12/03/2021 (Week 7) If I am more accepting of my fears... I'll be closer to my fears I'll be more understanding of my fears I'll open myself more to my fears I'll accept having fears I'll experience my fears I would list my fears I'll recognize my fears I'll start to fix my fears If I deny and disown my fears... I entertain fear in my body I contribute to having a disorganized mind I contribute to have difficult thought storms I limit my possibilities in life I feel constrained I keep anger and resentment towards people I don't feel good If I were more accepting of my pain... I'll start to heal myself I'll start to forgive myself I'll understand that people who caused me pain were just ignorant, incompetent, and couldn't help themselves I would not put my pain on others I would break the chain of pain by accepting my pain I'll open my heart' I'll accept to cry when I feel pain I'll understand the source of my pain I'll start to resolve my pain If I deny and disown my pain... I keep my pain in myself I become more and more bitter every day I am aggressive towards people I don't feel happy I keep sadness in myself masqueraded behind anger and aggressiveness I don't feel authentic I contribute to the creation of fear I feel heavy I close myself from myself my body language is non-authentic I entertain parasite thoughts I entertain tics and unwanted body movements

12 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:52 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:12 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 07:49 PM - 08:08 PM I responded to a client Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 19 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 10:45 AM - 12:06 AM I completed the Twitter login flow and also distracted myself a bit Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 21 minutes 01:04 PM - 14:31 PM I did some updates and started to work on statistics Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes 02:38 PM - 04:41 PM I continued the previous work Focus: 3/5 Duration: 2 hours 3 minutes Average Focus: 3.12 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 10 minutes, including 4 hours 51 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

11/03/2021 (Week 7) If I am more accepting of my fears... I'll understand the source of my fears I'll open up on my fears I'll feel my fears I can start to heal my fears I can start to improve my mental health I'll face my fears I'll recognize my fears I'll try to understand where my fears are coming from If I deny and disown my fears... I keep shadows in myself I keep unresolved traumas I stay fearful I don't feel authentic I keep difficult emotions in myself I contribute to low-quality nights I have difficulties make progress in life If I were more accepting of my pain... I'll feel my pain I'll try to understand the source of my pain I'll try to understand which parts of me needs to be healed I'll let go of my pain it would help me to resolve my pain using my mind would be less painful I would be happier to use my mind I'll perform better I'll cry when its painful If I deny and disown my pain... I accumulate resistance in myself I feel constrained I live my life with suffering I entertain a bad mood I entertain bitterness I close myself to improving my life I have anxious reactions against people I live with fear that something could happen to me it creates a loop of pain → fear of experiencing pain → pain caused by fear of experiencing pain

I'm currently wondering if I should continue to put a number of hours as an objective. Most of the time I don't work 30h / week, most of the time I'm between 25h - 30h. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a lot of progress by working less than 30 hours, other times it feels like I'm not doing that much even if I work 30h+. Intensity, decisiveness, and quality of work seems more important than the number of hours I put in.

11 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:07 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: ~ PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 08:53 AM - 10:08 AM I finally saved this bug that I had for so long, I also created a pull request and merged it to the current branch Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 15 minutes 10:29 AM - 12:00 AM I continued the work on Twitter login Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 31 minutes 01:17 PM - 02:25 PM I continued the previous work. I feel a little tired, but at the same time quite agitated. This is strange, I think I'm going to have a nap Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 8 minutes 03:05 PM - 04:38 PM I almost completed Twitter login. I also found a few new issues that I need to check Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 37 minutes, including 5 hours 37 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)