Raphael

Exploring Racial Biases: Black Africans Biases Foreword: I apologize in advance if anything hurt someone here. What Happened I noticed a few intrusive thoughts on black people in the past. It wasn't intense and I didn't have a lot of them, but I was surprised the first time. The first time that it happened was a few years ago, I caught myself and I was like "Wtf just happened? Why did I have this thought? What is happening? Am I becoming racist or what?" I also noticed several times feeling a bit of fear when a black person would approach me in the street or when seeing a picture of a black person. Experiences My experience with black people is a bit more limited than my experience with Indians or white people. Most black people that I met were just normal people, they were friendly and I had no particular issue with them. I can notably think of: A kid that I spent some time with in school A good friend who is actually mixed race (black/white) and who is now a photographer. He was always very friendly and kind A girl at school that I found pretty A pool supervisor that was very friendly A few other people that I met in college Someone that I worked with recently However, some experiences may have distorted my perception: When I was at school they were a big and muscular black guy who was a bully. I got a lot of mockery from him and even if I didn't have the physique I would confront him, but only verbally. One day I said that he was dumb in the classroom and in front of everyone, he then threatened me a bit after that and scared me. It almost went physical one time: I wasn't doing anything special but he put a biscuit on me, so I took it back and put it on him, he then got reactive and slapped me and break my glasses. It didn't go further than that. I wasn't the only person that didn't like him, in fact, many people didn't like him. I think he had an influence on me because we spent many years at the same schools and even in the same classes. One day I was walking with my four dogs. Only one dog was leashed and it was the biggest one. I kept the others unleashed because they were pretty small and I considered them harmless. At a moment, a black man appeared. As soon as he saw me, he took a big branch from the ground and kept it with him. I was a bit surprised and started to fix him in the eyes with a little of arrogance (I think I already had some small unconscious biases at that time). He told me to be careful with my dogs and to keep them away. I said something like: "You know if you take a branch with you...". I didn't have the time to finish, he shut me up very quickly and screamed at me that next time I should put a leash on all my dogs. I get it, he was afraid, but I still consider this overactive. I always found it ridiculous when people are afraid of dogs because it's this same fear that attracts them. Months ago, I had new blacks neighbors recently. The mom looks pretty narcissistic, it can easily happen that I hear her threatening her kids, insulting her kids, or beating her kids. When I take the bus, I see that black kids are often very agitated compared to other kids. Insults and vulgarities fly very easily. Of course, it also happens with other kids, but it seems to me that it happens more with black kids. Environmental Influence & Sense-Making I mentioned that before, my dad is extremely racist, especially against black people. I hear insults every day against these people and even sometimes wishes of death. Even if I live in an African country, there is a lot of racism directed towards black people. They aren't the majority in the country where I live and suffer from a huge traumatic background from centuries of oppression. This trauma gets passed from generation to generation and people have to deal with it which explains why they are fearful, agitated, and have more difficulties going through life. From 2015 to 2017, I studied in France. One thing that surprised me at first is how much sarcasm is used to talk about different groups of people. French people talk sarcastically about races every day. It happened to me to be called black, Muslim, or Indian depending on how they would perceive me. It seems that as a mixed-race person I'm not white enough to be considered white by white people. Personally, I didn't saw this as racism at first because I felt some joyful energy. I accepted it as being part of the culture and even had fun doing that with the people who did sarcastic comments on me. However, one experience made me question if there wasn't an unconscious root cause to that. In 2017, I became friend with someone who was an extreme left supporter and was all about equality for all and other stage green values. One day I told him that there was 99% of success at the final exam in my country and he seemed embarrassed. He asked me if the level was lower because in France it's not that high, then he recognized that it doesn't mean anything because I was doing well in the French settings. From what I know his parents were racists and in retrospect I think that he probably absorb some of it, but was ashamed of it and was hiding it behind stage green values. I think that there is a collective shadow within white people. I think that a certain number of people who defend equality for everyone do that because they are ashamed of some feelings and thoughts, and of course, some people do it without knowing the racist connotation because it's part of the culture. The constant use of sarcasm by some people as "it's funny, it's only a joke, it's not racist" hides a collective shadow from my perspective. And I think that I absorbed a bit of this collective shadow while living in France. Bias Formation I think that these small intrusive thoughts and fears that I experienced about black people got formed because: I got bullied by a black kid at school My dad is racist There is general racism towards black people around the world and I absorbed a bit of it When I feel some fear, it happens because it reminds me of the trauma of being bullied at school which gets amplified by general racism against black people. Letting Go I think I can let go of that by practicing forgiveness. I need to acknowledge and forgive: This black kid that bullied me when I was at school The racism of my dad The racism masqueraded behind sarcasm from French people The general racism against black people Me and my own intrusive thoughts and fears I also need to practice acceptance and spend more time with black people.

10/04/2021 (Week 11) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... take 100% responsibility for my life take responsibility to work with intense focus take responsibility to create and maintain a healthy systemic living system take responsibility for my sleep take responsibility to be more consistent with my work take responsibility to discipline myself take responsibility to attain my goals take responsibility to use my mind at its maximum take responsibility to fix my traumas take responsibility to have empty time to relax take responsibility to have some time for my cravings

10 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:10 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:40 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:00 AM - 10:10 AM I did research and tests on Facebook Publishing API Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 10 minutes 10:34 AM - 12:08 AM I did a lot of progress on the publishing API Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes 01:05 PM - 02:10 PM I completed the publish to Facebook route Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 5 minutes 02:16 PM - 02:54 PM I did some research and tests Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 38 minutes 04:40 PM - 06:13 PM I started to work on files upload but realized that a bit of my work is useless because I missed one important point Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 0 minutes, including 6 hours 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 55 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

I remember Sadhguru saying that he only slept 2-3 hours/day for more than 20 years, but now becoming lazy and sleeping 4 hours lol. I think that this is a possibility for extremely advanced yogis, but not for me and not for most people. Personally, if I sleep less than 8 hours, I feel deprived, stressed, unmotivated, and cannot work properly. My ideal is between 8 to 9 hours/day. Edit: I didn't watch the video too, but I don't think that my opinion would change.

09/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... consuming high quality content related to what I need to attain my goals taking actions feeling my emotions disciplining myself staying focused caring about my health having time to relax being flexible and adaptable pushing through difficulties If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I'll sleep better I'll work better I'll have better focus I'll be more proactive I'll fix my traumas I'll move with ease in life If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I stay stuck I stay afraid I don't feel authentic I cannot make progress in life I'll let go of intrusive thoughts I cannot attain my goals I cannot self-actualize If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll be more consistent I'll push through difficulties I'll work with intense focus I'll make small progress everyday I'll use my mind better I'll enjoy the process If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I demotivate myself I let go of my goals I feel depressed I cannot more forward in life I avoid dealing with myself I avoid life

09 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:46 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: ~ (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today I choose to take time to reflect and introspect on some stuff, so I didn't work. Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

I wanted to take a bit of time every day to contemplate things, but this is making me incredibly agitated. I can't stop having sleepless night and can't work properly. I feel a fear of being judged even if they aren't strong biases, but subtle ones. I think I'm going to slow down my work and throw everything out in a private journal. I will then share things gradually here.

A survival channel for INTPs.

Exploring Racial Biases: Groups Involved I noticed biases towards these people: Black Africans: I noticed a few highly subtle intrusive thoughts in the past and some small hints of fear when encountering a black person or seeing a picture of a black person. I think I mostly absorbed that from my dad. Indians: This is a reaction against my family who is pretty fucked up and a reaction against an oppressive past experience. However, I also noticed recurring patterns in Indian families that young Indian people are complaining about and I'm not sure if pointing out these patterns is necessarily racists. I will write detailed posts about these biases.

08/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... avoiding distractions letting go of compulsive thoughts being disciplined doing what needs to be done being honest with myself working to improve myself working with intense focus accept my flaws If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I'll let go of my biases I'll work better I'll deal better with life I'll open myself to progress I'll bring more acceptance to my life I'll be more efficient in life If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I don't feel happy I feel stuck I cannot attain my goals I lose control of my life I feel depressed I avoid my life I cannot move forward If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll have more focus when working I'll let my mind being empty from distractions when not working I'll try a find a small isolated office after the confinement I'll focus on my goals more I'll bring joy to working towards my goals I'll keep my goals in mind I'll be patient and kind because my goals will take time to attain I'll enjoy the process If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'm impatient I cannot attain my goals I don't focus properly I lose my motivation I distract myself all the time with the internet I cannot create a quality life I will become toxic

08 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:13 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:14 AM - 09:53 AM I worked on an API, but I'm pretty tired because of lack of sleep Focus: 3/5 Duration: 39 minutes 11:14 AM - 12:25 AM I continued the work on the API Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 11 minutes 01:34 PM - 02:56 PM I tried to understand why the API didn't work. I made some progress Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 22 minutes 05:07 PM - 06:29 PM I fixed the previous issue and did some research Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 22 minutes Average Focus: 3.125 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 4 hours 34 minutes, including 4 hours 34 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

I need to stay aware that my experience is shaped by my personal background and my environment. The dynamics here aren't exactly the same as in the US or a white majority country, but they are definitely similarities.

Exploring Racial Biases: About Multiculturalism I am a product of multiculturalism, I was born in multiculturalism. The schools that I attended as a kid allowed me to meet a lot of people from diverse backgrounds. They are privileged schools at first where most of the white minority of the country study. White people don't frequent public schools that much here and are often isolated from the rest of the population. It felt a bit weird when I was a kid to see so many white people because most people around me were Indians, but I got accustomed to it. I think that maybe 70% of people were white and 30% of people were from other backgrounds, it gave me a good multicultural playground. Kids from all origins were mixing together, so in my experience racism didn't existed and was something from the past. It sounds silly now because my dad is extremely racist and in retrospect I think I can remember a few moments of small racism within kids, but they were very small.

07/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... having some time for my cravings healing my traumas giving myself love giving myself care doing what is necessary create and maintain a powerful life system working with high intensity being consistent being disciplined If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I'll work with more focus I'll take care of how I treat others I'll evolve much faster I'll enjoy the process I'll deal better with the challenges of life I'll have a better awareness I'll progressively get my shit together I'll do things smoothly If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I feel out of control I become more and more a victim I have terrible relationships I cannot make progress I don't feel natural and masculine I avoid my life I lose my potential If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll work with intense focus I'll have a better organization I'll work smoothly I'll tap more into my intuition I'll let my full potential show up I'll attain my goals faster I'll create a better quality life If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I stay stuck I feel miserable I lose my self-esteem I don't feel great I cannot self-actualize I cannot work properly I waste my life

07 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:46 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:45 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective 0 minutes) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective 0 minutes)

@flume Thanks! Yeah, this book is really good. Almost all pages are filled with gold nuggets.

Exploring Racial Biases: Personal Background As I mentioned before I am a mixed-race individual, more precisely of Indian and French ancestry. My dad is a dark-skinned man of Indian ancestry and my mom is a white woman of French ancestry. What's interesting in this situation for me and my sister is that even if we have the same parents, my skin is rather light where my sister's skin is rather dark. My family is a bit sliced between two cultures and even more cultures if I take my extended family into consideration. However, my French side is shrinking as almost everyone from this side is dead now, where I have many uncles, aunts, and cousins from my Indian side. Overall I feel that I'm closer to my French side than my Indian side. I see a few reasons for this: Everyone at home speaks French. When my mom immigrated she didn't know the local language, but my dad knew French, so my parents always communicated in French around me. I went to private French schools, rather than public schools. So even if I live in an African country, I had a western French education I lived in France for a few years Concerning my Indian side... well I don't have a lot of things that I relate to. Sure most people in my country are of Indian ancestry and Indian culture is very present here. I can easily hear some Hindi or Bhojpuri (I'm not able to differentiate them though) on the radio, while watching TV, and just by walking in the street. I went to some ceremonies like marriages and prayers, I also have some people in my family who traveled to India and lived there. But even with all that, I don't really relate that much to this culture except maybe when it comes to some spiritual stuff. I also have a problem with languages. As people always spoke French around me and as I mostly had a French education, I never really learned to speak properly the local language. I understand it, I can speak it, but I make mistakes and have an accent which makes me uncomfortable. This caused me to be pretty alienated since a young age from the rest of society. Finally, things are getting weirder since I discovered actualized.org 5 years ago because I started to consume more and more English content to the point where almost everything that I read or listen to is in English and where my French is degrading.

06/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... taking care of my sleep taking care of my mental health taking care of my physical health resting properly working with intense focus being discipline taking all the necessary actions to attain my goals treating people decently treating myself decently If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I will be more focused I'll work better I'll improve my health I'll improve my posture I'll put more healthy rules I'll improve myself faster I'll feel better If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I waste time I don't feel good I stay stuck in a same state of mind that create unhappiness I don't grow up my health is degrading I don't work well I stay dependent on other people I cannot make enough money to build a quality life If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll work with more focus I'll be more discipline I'll move forward faster I'll be smarter in my decisions I'll create the necessary relationships for the attainment of my goals I'll bring more joy in order to attain my goals If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I always take more and more time I feel depressed I lose a bit of hope every day I cannot attain my goals I stay stuck in life I close myself from myself I close myself from becoming great

Working 40 hours / week is BS, especially when doing deep work. It is possible to do it for work that doesn't require intense focus, but for deep work, 25 hours / week should be the maximum. I'm currently pushing it because I want this project to be successful.

06 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:24 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:10 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 08:52 AM - 10:00 AM I still have issues with this date time picker. I also had a lot of unrelated thoughts Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 8 minutes 10:23 AM - 12:05 AM I continued the improvement of the date-time picker. I still have a lot of unrelated thoughts Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 42 minutes 01:28 PM - 02:52 PM I'm going to pause here the work on the publisher interface and do some API research. I will start back when the APIs will be ready Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 24 minutes 03:11 PM - 04:31 PM I did some research and worked with Facebook API Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 20 minutes 05:04 PM - 05:30 PM I did some work with the Facebook publishing API implementation Duration: 26 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 @Raphael Why can't you sleep? Average Focus: 3.3 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 0 minutes, including 6 hours 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

Exploring Racial Biases: Environmental Context I need to add some context before getting started, it will be crucial in understanding my situation and understanding how my thoughts and emotions formed. I live in Mauritius which is a small tropical island in the Indian Ocean. I don't usually like to talk about it here because the law on drugs and psychedelics is very strict. As the population is something like ~1.2 million people and I already shared a lot about me here, I feel like it's possible to recognize me and find who I am. The Mauritian population demographic is broadly as follow: 67%: Indians. This is a reference to the country of origin here and not a religious reference. It includes any religion: Hinduism, Christianity, Islam, etc. 28%: Black Africans 3%: Chinese 2%: White. Mostly people of French and British ancestry Many people are mixed-race and belong to multiple categories. I remember reading somewhere that 25% of the population is mixed race. They are also immigrants mostly from South East Asia (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh) and East Africa (Madagascar, South Africa), and some immigrants from Europe. I personally fall into the mixed-race category which can confuse people. Here's the religious distribution: 48.54%: Hinduism 32.71%: Christianity 17.30%: Islam 1.45%: Others The social hierarchy is as follow: White: better perceived, most wealthy group. Indians and Chinese: overall average people, but some of them can be pretty high in the hierarchy. Indians hold most of the political power. Black Africans: not well perceived. Represents the poorer group. Because of the cultural mix, they are no official languages in Mauritius. However, English is used when it comes to administrations. English and French are used at the parliament, except when it comes to insults. Mauritian Creole who is based on French is the most spoken language while French is the second most recognizable language. The situation concerning the language is quite messy and can create confusion for foreigners who aren't used to hear people switch between three languages in the same conversation. I lived in Mauritius most of my life, I also lived in France for a few years, and a few months in the United Kingdom.

05/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... doing what needs to be done to attain my objectives doing what needs to be done to stay healthy taking care of my mind taking care of my body not letting myself being distracted taking care of my family taking care of my environment developing myself If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I'll take care of the quality of my sleep I'll take care of the quality of my thoughts I'll take care of my physical health I'll have proper empty time I'll have time to relax I'll minimize my activities If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I cannot attain my objectives I cannot become financially independent my health can degrade my mind stay overactive I stay stuck I don't feel satisfied in life I'm wasting my life If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll be more motivated to work I'll work better I'll work more consistently I'll attain my goals faster it will be easier to attain my goals I'll be more effective I'll take care of the necessary environmental factors to attain my goals If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I stay afraid I cannot attain my goals I lost control of my life I'm not moving forward in life I stay stuck in life I lose what I want out of life

05 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:38 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:55 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:18 AM - 10:28 AM I worked on the date picker, but I also distracted myself a bit Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 10 minutes 10:55 AM - 12:03 AM I have difficulties concentrating because of this bad night of sleep Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 8 minutes 01:48 PM - 03:22 PM I continued working on the date picker and some validation rules for the publisher Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes 03:29 PM - 04:32 PM I continued the previous work Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 3 minutes 04:52 PM - 06:02 PM I did a bit more work on the date picker Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 10 minutes My mind was so explosive last night that I almost didn't sleep. I choose to push through it anyway, but it badly affected my focus. Average Focus: 3 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 5 minutes, including 6 hours 5 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

All of Leo's attempts to prevent actualized.org turning into a cult will fail.

Exploring Racial Biases I have been repressing some stuff for too many years now. I think it's time to have an honest conversation with myself. I see that I have a few racial biases, nothing strong, but some biases anyway. I see a few very sneaky intrusive thoughts and also some small reactions in my body when it comes to some people. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any strong hate for anybody, but these biases do affect my perception and my interpretation of things. This is going to be uncomfortable for me, but also for people. I see that I might hurt some people while journaling about this here. I apologize for that in advance, but if I go through this it might be unavoidable to project and make mistakes. I will explore both my personal biases and also biases of others that caused me suffering. I will explore my projections and people's projections on me. I will interconnect everything: my environment, others people's environment, different cultures, childhood, family, past traumas, etc. It will be about me and others. I will share emotions such as fear, sadness, anxiety, hurt, and anger. I think I will be overall fine with the forum rules as I'm not interested in voluntarily putting some people down, but to explore myself in order to understand myself and purge myself. Maybe one or two things will be near the limit. If you are a moderator or anyone else and think that something that I write here is inappropriate for this forum, just let me know and I'll stop.