Raphael

07 May 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:38 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:00 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 10:31 AM - 12:20 AM I did some configurations and responded to a client Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 49 minutes 04:23 PM - 06:17 PM I did some server configuration Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 54 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 08:35 AM - 10:00 AM I did some work on a small web app and tried setting up a remote work environment for my personal project's API Focus: 3.75/5 Duration: 1 hour 25 minutes 01:07 PM - 02:38 PM I did improvements on a small web app Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 31 minutes Average Focus: 3.56 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 39 minutes, including 2 hours 56 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

@Roy As an anecdote, I was swimming when I saw this guy walking with his camera. I was behind him around 2:00 - 3:00, but he didn't get me

@Roy It's fine, you can comment here. Yeah, they are activities related to the beach. I used to go to the beach each Saturday when I was a kid. They are activities like surfing, kit surfing, water-skiing, camping in front of beaches. People don't do sun tanning that much, most of them don't need that. However, I don't think that most people spend that much time on beaches because the country needs to work and for that many other things need to be maintained. We used a see mostly tourists on beaches rather than locals until Covid ended everything. What do you mean here? Hopping literally? lol

What kind of jerk are you talking about? Because they are degrees to this. Where would you put you on a scale from 1 to 10 and what kind of behaviors would that mean? I agree that too much politeness is fake and that it's better to be authentic and express ourselves, but being a total jerk is also a problem.

That's what I noticed too, they are incapable of asserting themselves and only know to obey. And also, these people are not just attracted to total jerks, but also to fake people in position of power who show themselves as kind, caring, polite, and good, but who have some amount of narcissism in them, cannot take any criticism and cannot consider other perspectives.

06/05/2021 (Week 15) If (when I was young) someone had told me my wants really mattered... I wouldn't be ashamed to have wants I would have work for my wants I would have done what I wanted to do I would have been happy to do what I wanted to do I would have felt more motivated I would have been more self-expressive I would have been less depressed If (when I was young) I had been taught to honor my own life... I would have treated my life as important I would have been more healthy I would have shared more my ideas I would have been more joyful I would have been more responsible my life would have been better If I treat my life as unimportant... I don't feel motivated I feel depressed I have self-esteem issues I procrastinate I don't accomplish anything I stay stuck I stay poor I entertain poor relationships I'm not psychologically healthy If I were willing to say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no... I would have better boundaries I would not let others exploit me I would do what I want to do I would cover my needs I would be happier I would achieve what I want to achieve If I were willing to let people hear the music inside me... I'll be more authentic around people I'll share my joyful I'll make some jokes I'll be lightheaded around people I won't be ashamed to be myself I would feel better I would attract more people I would have more friends If I were to express 5 percent more of who I am... I'll speak a bit more I'll open up a bit more I'll share a bit more about my interests I'll would release some thoughts I would be a bit more authentic I'll feel less fearful people would question me more I would attract more attention I would be more open

06 May 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:48 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:20 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 11:05 AM - 12:13 AM I did some improvements on a small web app Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 8 minutes 01:39 PM - 02:44 PM I worked on improvements on a small web app, but got stuck Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 5 minutes 04:28 PM - 05:51 PM I continued the previous work Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 23 minutes 07:13 PM - 08:44 PM I'm stuck Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 31 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 7 minutes, including 5 hours 7 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

I should have add this nuance to my definition: people with a massive ego and who aren't conscious enough to discuss it and just show it to everyone. It's possible to have a lot of insecurities without being a jerk, show humility, and try to fix the dysfunctions, but jerks aren't able to do that. However when people do that without being a jerk, they are less authentic and therefore less attractive. In most cases humility is inauthentic.

Because they openly show their anxieties and hate where most people are ashamed of that. This is authentic and courageous to show how they are even if they are disgussing, rather than hiding like most of us are. This authenticity is inspirational, it makes others respect them and follow them because other people are afraid to live life, to be themselves, and to show all their dirtiness.

What Releasing a Trauma Looks Like This is probably one of the most powerful scene in the entire show. That's what releasing a trauma looks like: pure existential rage.

05/05/2021 (Week 15) If (when I was young) someone had told me my wants really mattered... I would have honored my wants I would have been more motivated I would have been more joyful I would have more easily built work ethic I would have been more healthy I would have done what I wanted I would have been much better in life than where I'm currently are If (when I was young) I had been taught to honor my own life... I would have treated my life as important I would have been happier I would have chased my dream I would have done what I wanted to do I would have been more social I would have done much better in school I would have much more satisfaction in life If I treat my life as unimportant... I feel depressed I cannot accomplish my goals I don't feel motivated it's hard to be disciplined I feel fearful I feel out of touch with myself I feel out of control I cannot sort out my life If I were willing to say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no... I'll have better boundaries I wouldn't be a people pleaser I would accomplish my goals faster I'll be more responsible towards my life things would go my way I'll be happier I would be more proactive If I were willing to let people hear the music inside me... I'll share some of my thoughts I'll try to explain who I am I'll share my emotions I'll be a bit more social I'll open up a bit more I'll be a bit crazier around people I'll make some friends If I were to express 5 percent more of who I am... I'll talk a bit more I'll feel a bit more confident I'll share about my life goals I'll be more honest I'll have more integrity I'll open myself up to people

05 May 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:35 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:00 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 05:26 PM - 06:25 PM I did some improvements on a small web app Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 59 minutes Didn't sleep of the entire night, couldn't work. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 59 minutes, including 50 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

Some people hated me just for existing as a human being.

There's a part of me that is under complete deep existential shock.

I'm not sure if this Spiral Dynamics assessment is valid, but this is what I get. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19-qdQeSjKlcvEgITTMuy2qaHxJFxF3pYsYOupJCKV7o/edit#gid=172618363

I didn't sleep of the entire night. I felt incredibly agitated and had trouble to breathe properly. I'm completely exhausted. I have work to do, but this is tough.

I'm wondering if it's normal to go back to previous emotional states that I felt that I outgrow while working on my traumas and doing changes. I'm currently feeling more anger like I was feeling 2 - 3 years ago.

04/05/2021 (Week 15) If (when I was young) someone had told me my wants really mattered... I wouldn't have been ashamed of wanting things I would have develop a better work ethic I would have try to get what I want I would have put more importance on my life I would have felt important I would have felt that I had the right to live I would have been more enthusiastic I would have been more motivated If (when I was young) I had been taught to honor my own life... I would have taken my life more seriously I would have felt more joyful I would have try to be more social my life would have been more authentic I would have felt more blissful I would have been doing better in school If I treat my life as unimportant... I feel depressed I feel anxious I have trouble to get out of bed in the morning I feel unimportant I don't feel motivated I don't want to work I don't accomplish anything If I were willing to say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no... I would have better boundaries I wouldn't have been exploited by people I would have been open to more possibilities I would have confronted authority things would have go my way I would have been happier If I were willing to let people hear the music inside me... I would share what interest me I would share my joy I would share my want to understand the world I would make more friends I would have been more authentic I would have been more social I would have felt liberated If I were to express 5 percent more of who I am... I would express my ideas while still being realistic about people I would show a bit more of craziness I would feel a bit more free I would talk a bit more I would felt less anxious around people I would felt a bit of understanding from people

04 May 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:26 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 01:15 PM - 02:45 PM I fixed some issues with certificates Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 30 minutes 04:38 PM - 06:15 PM I worked on setting up a development environment for my backend API Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 37 minutes 07:57 PM - 09:50 PM I continued the previous configuration Focus: 3/5 Duration: 2 hour 3 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 10:28 AM - 11:07 AM I tried to fix a cross origin issue Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 39 minutes 11:37 AM - 12:23 AM I did some small improvements on a web app Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 46 minutes Average Focus: 3.3 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 35 minutes, including 1 hour 25 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

Need Vs Want What is the difference between a need and a want? Isn't it a need an unconscious want and a want a conscious need? Can a need be conscious and a want be unconscious? What is the difference between: Needing a relationship and wanting a relationship Needing being funny and wanting to be funny Needing food and wanting food Needing being intellectual and wanting to be intellectual Needing a computer and wanting a computer Needing money and wanting money Needing toilet paper and wanting toilet paper Needing jewels and wanting jewels Needing an identity and wanting an identity Needing an education and wanting an education Needing a book and wanting a book Needing a job and wanting a job Needing oxygen and wanting oxygen Needing rest and wanting rest Needing physical exercise and wanting physical exercise ?

I think I'm done with racism at least for the moment. I shared about what I had the most on my heart: My subtle intrusive thoughts and micro fears on black people My resentment about Indian culture My experience as a mixed-race individual

Discussions on racism need to happen, repression doesn't work. And the actualized.org forum is the perfect place to discuss these issues if we keep trolls away.

This teacher is really good at discussing social issues but can be shocking and controversial.