Raphael

14/06/2021 (Week 21) If my child-self felt accepted by me... He would express more joy He would not be afraid of its creativity He would felt secure He would be nurtured He would say random stupid things He would explore life more He would self-express his craziness If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side... He would be more motivated He would push through challenges He would felt less alone He would be happier He would felt some comfort He wouldn't be that rebellious If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles... They would feel understand They would like me more They would trust me more They would give me their hands They won't be afraid of me They would walk the path of life with me If I could hold my child-self in my arms... My child-self would feel protected I'll nurture my child-self My child-self would get the security that he needs My child-self would feel understood My child-self would develop more I'll felt more responsible for my child-self My child-self would feel at peace with me If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms... My teenage-self would be less angry My teenage-self would feel supported I could be a good parent of myself I'll give my teenage-self the love that he needs I'll give my teenage-self the containment that he needs I'll develop an healthy relationship with my teenage self If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves... I'll be an healthy parent of myself I'll make peace with some parts of me We would walk the path of life happier together I'll feel holier I'll understand myself better We would all cry together I'll tell them that it's OK to be how they are They would love me back I would feel more love in my life and have more courage

13/06/2021 (Week 20) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... listen to my child self listen to my teenage self dive deep into my childhood to understand what I missed understand the kid inside me express my child self express my teenage self take responsibility to communicate with myself

12/06/2021 (Week 20) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... express my child self express my teenage self try to understand my child self try to understand my teenage self fulfill the needs of my child self and teenage that were unfulfilled nurture the kid inside me love the kid inside me

I'm going to block this forum and only allow the Journal section where I will continue to report my progress. I have too many thoughts that aren't aligned and are competing with what I'm currently working on in my life. Many of these thoughts come from this place as I'm addicted to reading the discussions. I didn't sleep in the last 2 days because I had take care of grandma. I often had to take her to the toilet during the nights because she couldn't walk since she fall. An ambulance came this morning to take her to the hospital. She should be transferred to a retirement house soon. After the transfer I'll move out of this house. They are too much noises around me, I'm often interrupted, this is affecting my work and my ability to focus on personal development. I need to detox from this environment, I'll find a calm place for myself. I prefer to be all alone than in a annoying environment.

Is It Too Immoral to Break with my Family in this Situation? I need some opinions here. I'm 24 years old, I work from home and live with my family. I make enough money to sustain myself so I can move out if I want, but I only have some concerns when it comes to my family. My grandma is 90 years old, she is blind, cannot hear, cannot move properly, has lost most of her mental faculties, and she from time to time explode in emotional crisis. My mom is the one who takes care of her most of the time. My dad is a 70 years old racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. man who speaks loudly all the time, gives a lot of orders, and insults everyone all day long. It's not possible to rationalize with him. My mom is a 66 years old woman and the only sane person but I see that my grandma and my dad are draining her emotionally. We have animals: hens and four dogs. There's a lot of noise every day as we live close to the street, as we have animals, and as my dad is very loud and doesn't respect the need for silence for other members. When it comes to me, I most of the time self-isolate in my room to avoid the drama and provide a bit of help when it comes to the animals. I'm personally very sensitive to noises and I'm really starting to get sick of this situation and feel the need to move out. But at the same time, I feel that I have a bit of collective responsibility. My parents aren't going to die if I move out, they are just going to get a bit more work. They have the money that they need, so they aren't big financial issues, but they are old and getting older. I understand the necessity to help each other and take care of each others, but there's a difference between living in a dysfunctional environment and helping dysfunctional people. Sometimes, I feel that all these stage Green values are going to fly out the window and that I'm going to run out of this house. I currently feel the need to become ultra selfish, care only about myself, and let my family fall down.

I thought I'll make it, but it looks like it's not going to be the case. I'm probably going to take a financial penalty but I should be able to handle it. It feels relieving to know that, I'm learning my lesson.

11/06/2021 (Week 20) If the child in me could speak, he would say... random things that he wants to discover the world that he wants to succeed in life that he likes art that he would like a great dad that he likes to be like an adult nothing If the teenager I once was still exists inside me... he would be angry he would insult people he would be rebellious he would socially isolate he would feel depressed he would hate the world he would feel hopeless he would be very insecure because of his body If my teenage-self could speak he would say... that he wants love that he wants to be taken seriously that he doesn't like to be bullied or humiliated that he is afraid of people that he is afraid of being assaulted that he wants to be alone nothing At the thought of reaching back to help my child-self... I think I can nurture the kid inside me that hasn't been nurtured enough I think that I can improve my happiness I can grow up a lot I can improve the relationship that I have with myself I feel like an adult helping a kid I feel responsible At the thought of reaching back to help to teenage-self... I can reduce bitterness in myself I can make peace with myself I can make peace with people who hurt me I can accept myself I can reduce social anxiety I can reduce hate of people I can become more social I can recover from school bullying If I could make friends with my younger selves... I would feel holier I'll feel more authentic I'll open up more to people I would be less annoyed by people I'll feel nurtured I'll appreciate my life more

11 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:11 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:00 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 04:19 PM - 06:01 PM I worked on an interactive map and completed the form for the Return of Income, but I might get a financial penalty Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 42 minutes 07:15 PM - 07:26 PM I just did a few verifications. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 11 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 01:23 PM - 02:41 PM I did a lot of improvements on an interactive map. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 18 minutes Very bad night of sleep again. I couldn't work properly. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 3 hours 11 minutes, including 1 hour 18 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

10/06/2021 (Week 20) If the child in me could speak, he would say... scream express joy say crazy things ask as many questions as he wants ask why his dad is always so angry say how curios he is share his discoveries If the teenager I once was still exists inside me... he would be angry he would listen to him first he would repress emotions he would hide vulnerabilities he would hide from people he would be depressed he would be sad If my teenage-self could speak he would say... that he wants attention that he doesn't like to be mistreated that he feels alone that he feels disconnected from everyone that he hates himself that he feels inferior that he wants to be the best At the thought of reaching back to help my child-self... I feel that I can nurture myself I feel that I can grow a lot I feel that I can become more authentic I feel that I can be more sensitive I feel that I can bring back my creativity I can help myself At the thought of reaching back to help to teenage-self... I can understand his frustrations I can understand my frustrations I can solve my frustrations I can understand myself better I can understand what I want in life I will be able to fix some of my shadows If I could make friends with my younger selves... I improve my relationship my myself I would become more authentic I'll solve conflicts within myself My self-esteem would raise I'll be more joyful I'll feel more at peace

10 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:02 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:36 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:17 AM - 10:44 AM I still dealing with the law and accounting. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes 11:10 AM - 12:14 AM I still dealing with the law and accounting. I also made another call to the revenue authority, it was nice to speak with this lady, she was very friendly. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 4 minutes 01:10 PM - 01:47 PM I started searching for documents for the accountant. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 37 minutes 02:00 PM - 02:47 PM I completed the preparation of the documents for the accountant. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 47 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 04:34 PM - 06:07 PM I worked on an interactive map. I wasn't fully focused because I was listening to things in the background, but the task was simple so I handled it. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes 07:24 PM - 08:01 PM I worked on this map again. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 37 minutes Really difficult day which started out with a very bad night. I was very stressed concerning finances and my declaration of revenues, I couldn't sleep properly and wake up late. I choose that I will minimize reducing my sleep as much as I can so that I can still work properly. Sleep is so important. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 5 minutes, including 2 hours 9 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

It can also be Superman or Iron Man.

I should have seriously inform myself about the law and should have seriously educate myself on accounting.

I'm going to die.

It's really impossible to not hurt anybody in life even while trying to formulate things the most politely possible. Someone will always take things too personally.

09/06/2021 (Week 20) If the child in me could speak, he would say... that he likes to laugh for no reason that he likes to play that he likes to discover life that he wants more affection from his dad that he wants to feel safe that he likes his mom that he likes being crazy If the teenager I once was still exists inside me... he would want to prove himself he would be frustrated he would want to be free he would want more independence he would repress his emotions he wouldn't show what he wants he would be ashamed of himself he would be ashamed of his body If my teenage-self could speak he would say... that he doesn't like being controlled a lot of insults that he doesn't like life that he wants to be the best that he doesn't care about others that he doesn't need people At the thought of reaching back to help my child-self... I feel I can make peace with disowned parts of myself I feel I can nurture myself I feel I can improve my life I feel I can be a good parent of myself I feel responsible I feel happy to reconnect with myself I feel that I can grow a lot At the thought of reaching back to help to teenage-self... my teenage self would start to like himself my teenage self would feel less isolated I feel empower I feel that I can empower my teenage-self I feel that I can grow a lot I feel that I can fix repressed emotions I feel that I can fix repressed anger I feel that I can fix repressed sadness I feel that I can fix repressed feeling of unfairness I feel that I can fix my shyness If I could make friends with my younger selves... I would grow a lot my younger selves would work with me my younger selves would be happier my younger selves would express themselves healthily I'll feel more at peace I'll feel more acceptance I'll love myself more I'll radiate more love I'll be more authentic I'll be more connected with myself

09 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:20 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:51 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 08:49 AM - 10:57 AM I'm still a bit stressed out about taxes. I also worked on an interactive map. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 8 minutes 11:19 AM - 12:14 AM Did a few tests, communicated with a few persons. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 55 minutes 01:34 PM - 03:00 PM I switched between working on this interactive map and giving assistance to the freelancer. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 26 minutes 04:32 PM - 06:14 PM Well... I thought I was out of my fuckery, but it looks like I'm still fucked up. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 42 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 03:09 PM - 04:05 PM I worked again on this interactive map. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 4 minutes I might be seriously fucked up. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 15 minutes, including 5 hours 11 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

@Michael569 Looks like a big breakfast is working for me, with an average meal at 1 PM and something light in the evening. I also added a bit more calories. My thoughts are clearer and I feel that I have more willpower. Btw, what do you think about eating a handful of nuts everything. I currently eat a mix of cashew nuts, pistachios, and almonds during breakfast.

I can sense people's consciousness while walking in the streets.

Also, there's something powerful in doing it on an online forum. It feels relieving, it opens up even though the ego wants to show itself in the journals.

@RendHeaven Probably story of many people's here as being part of an online forum is a very introvert thing lol

08/06/2021 (Week 20) If the child in me could speak, he would say... laugh random stupid things that he likes to play that he likes to learn that he likes to discover the world that he wants to feel safe that he wants some security that he wants a compassionate dad If the teenager I once was still exists inside me... he would express his frustration he would express his anger he would feel alienated he would be jealous he would want love he would observe the world carefully If my teenage-self could speak he would say... that he wants freedom a lot of insults some stuff to please his ego that he is the best that he lacks love that he wants some support At the thought of reaching back to help my child-self... I think I can know myself better I think I can help myself at the same time I feel nurturing of myself I feel parenting myself I feel more connected to myself I feel that I can solidify a healthy base for my life I feel responsible At the thought of reaching back to help to teenage-self... I feel that I need to give myself love I feel that it will grow me a lot I feel responsible I feel connected to myself I feel that I can fix teenage issues still present in me I can purify and solidify my teenage base in life If I could make friends with my younger selves... I would be more at peace with myself I would understand myself better I'll feel more integrated I'll feel holier I'll be more loving I'll help my younger selves grow up I'll make progress faster

08 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:32 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:49 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:23 AM - 10:37 AM I accepted a freelancer's proposal and reported some data to a Google Sheet document. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 14 minutes 10:58 AM - 12:18 AM I completed the instructions for the freelancer and also had a conversation with him. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 10 minutes 01:19 PM - 02:52 PM I responded to a freelancer. I also started to do some work on an interactive map. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes 03:02 PM - 04:12 PM I did a bit of research and a bit of coding. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 10 minutes 04:30 PM - 06:04 PM I continued dealing with accounting stuff. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes 07:12 PM - 08:37 PM I continued dealing with accounting stuff. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 25 minutes Today was stressful and charged because I had to rush in order to complete the documents for the revenue authority. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 8 hours 6 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

All these journals that I create are just a survival strategy to fulfill my egoic need for visibility.

Being Introverted in an Extroverted World I often had the feeling of being hated for being an introvert. Society glorifies so much extroversion that it doesn't feel normal to be introverted. Everywhere on the internet, on TV, on Ads, we see extroverted people doing extroverted things. We see celebrities, people partying, people going to concerts, people in groups, charismatic entrepreneurs, etc. but we don't see that many quiet introverts. I never liked noisy environments. I only went to nightclubs three times in my entire life, it was fun, but extremely draining and I didn't like drunk people and people throwing their alcoholic drinks on the dance floor. The only thing that I like to do and that qualifies more as an extroverted activity is doing speeches/presentations in front of a crowd no matter its size. That's something that I'm very good at and that I love to do when I'm very passionate about the subject and have well prepared it. I got insulted in my life for being an introvert. I have been asked so much in the past why I was so quiet, but this question has always been strange for me because my mind never felt quiet. I remember a cousin telling my dad that he should do something for me and my dad responding brutally "He doesn't want to go out". I remember a teacher asking students what they did during their weekend and the students responding with extroverted activities where I would say awkwardly that I stayed at home. I had difficulties understanding the hate that I got from a certain number of extroverts in my life. If extroverts like to be loud, go out, and party that's fine as long as they respect my privacy. People are different and have preferences in life, but it seems like many extroverts don't understand that. Many of them just disliked me for not being as outgoing as them, they didn't even try to understand me, they just disrespected me. I remember one day being at a restaurant with some extroverts and being so drained that when someone asked me if I wanted a dessert, I responded: "I'll swallow everything that you want.". They all exploded in laughter in my face and responded that they understand why I have no friends. I was so exhausted that I was starting to have difficulties communicating properly and forming thoughts. I want to end up here by making the differentiation between being introverted and being socially anxious because there is a difference. If I'm honest with myself, I do have social anxiety, so this is true that I'm avoiding people and I lack social skills. However, even if someone has social difficulties I don't understand the need to put a person down for that. If you're an extrovert, you can help someone with social difficulties by just asking a few questions, showing some kindness, and in return, this person will love you. Help make things better if you can. Also, this is not an excuse for someone with social difficulties or me to not take action and always wait for people. Personal efforts still need to be made and I recognize that I need to make them. I'm personally not handicapped in life, I can do most of the things that I want to do. However, when it comes to making friends and sharing about myself I feel anxious and weird. I noticed that I tend to rationalize by telling myself "it's normal, I'm into self-actualization", but I think there's still a possibility when someone has great social skills, a very likable personality, and spiral wizardry skills to open up to people and being appreciated. A person like this would be like a magnet able to attract almost anyone and that's very powerful.

Healing is understanding