Raphael

Lolololololololooooooooooooooooooooool!

Expressing Gratefulness I think that I have been way too pessimistic most of my life. Some stuff definitely sucked, but I also have gratitude for many things. Gratitude for external things and also gratitude for myself and some choices that I made. It's time to express it, so here we go: I'm grateful for being born in a developed country. The country where I live is not a first-world nation, but also not a third-world nation. The level of development has been high enough to allow me to attain at best some elements of stage Yellow and Turquoise. I feel safe and have all my physical needs covered. I'm grateful that I never saw that much physical violence. I'm grateful that I never got a lot of racism. I'm grateful that I evolved in very multicultural environments. I'm grateful for the quality of education that I had access to. I had access to a stage orange/green education while growing up which is a very rare thing considering the overall level of development of the world. I'm grateful for understanding English. It is allowing me to connect with people from all around the world. I'm grateful for being mixed race. It played a huge role in my life and in my ability to perceive the world through different lenses. I'm grateful that I traveled a bit in my life and lived in different countries. I plan to do this more in the future. I'm grateful for having healthy food. I'm grateful for having water. I'm grateful for being healthy. I'm grateful for having an awesome mother. I'm grateful for having an awesome sister. I'm grateful for having some dogs that I love. I'm grateful that I have been wise enough to never smoke anything, to never get drunk, and to never try drugs. However, I'll probably try psychedelics in the future if I get access to them. I'm grateful for not having any strong addictions. I'm grateful for having a good-looking body. I was very insecure as a teenager because I was very skinny and got a lot of criticisms on that, but I personally don't care anymore. I'm still skinny as an adult and I'm really enjoying it. I had older women telling me that I was really good-looking and asking me if I had a girlfriend. It didn't happen that much with girls around my age, I assume that most of them are shy and pretty conditioned by society concerning what a young woman should say. Some people have told me that I attract a lot of girls' eyes, so being skinny doesn't matter that much when it comes to attraction. I'm grateful that I found actualized.org. I'm grateful that this forum exists. I learned enormously by just reading the conversations. I'm grateful for the presence of some awesome members on this forum. I'm grateful for my open-mindedness. I'm grateful for the sophistication of my thoughts. I'm grateful for my capacity to self-reflect. I'm grateful for my psychological evolution since I discovered actualized.org. I'm grateful for my very high intuition. I'm grateful and proud that I discovered meditation by myself thanks to my intuition. I was 18 the first time that I meditated. I didn't know about meditation, but I intuitively felt that if I just sit down with my eyes close and my hands on my knees it would help me. I did it, this was my first meditation and it was awesome. I'm grateful for my ability to notice my biases and correct them. I'm grateful for my financial and working conditions. I make enough money to sustain myself while putting in less than 30 hours (or even less than 20 hours many times) of work per week. I work as a freelance web developer with clients from all around the world. I can work from anywhere on the planet and still sustain myself. If I ever want to move to an expensive place, I can just increase my prices. I'm grateful that I like my work and didn't choose it just because I wanted to have a stable career, but because I was interested in it. Programming is a field that combines logic, intuition, and creativity. It allows me to exercise my left brain and right brain at the same time. I consider that it had an enormous impact on the sophistication of my mind. I'm grateful for a guy that I met on this forum and who helped me getting started as a freelancer. I'm grateful for my privilege of having so much time to be alone by myself. I'm grateful that I found Spiral Dynamics. I'm grateful for my understanding of the world through Spiral Dynamics. I'm grateful for so many things and I'm especially grateful for the quality of my life. Many times and despite difficulties, I feel privileged for having the life that I have. Life is incredible, amazing. Life is a wide range of emotions, a wide range of experiences. Life is a privilege. Life deserves to be lived deeply, fully.

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19/06/2021 (Week 21) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... let myself being vulnerable let my younger selves express their emotions take care of my younger selves communicate with my younger selves build back my relationship with my younger selves accept my younger selves love my younger selves

19 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:41 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:22 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Saturday) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Working with my younger selves is making me cry.

I think that these videos can be quite relevant to this discussion.

How about being a journalist and working for a high quality journal? You could write about social issues and help raise awareness. Also if your writing is really good, you'll be seen as valuable and will get a good pay. Definitely avoid a regular corporate job btw. I've been there and it's really depressing.

18/06/2021 (Week 21) If my child-self felt accepted by me... he would trust me he would open up to me he would share his fears he would like me he would feel comfortable with me he would communicate with me If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side... he would explain to me the source of his anger he would explain to me the source of his frustration he would have more courage he would be more motivated he would push through difficulties he would unleash his creative power he would show his vulnerabilities he would feel supported he would be happier he would communicate with me If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles... they would share with me their difficulties they would trust me more they would love me more they would feel comforted they would feel reassured they would be better nurtured they would feel more secured If I could hold my child-self in my arms... he would feel reassured he would trust me he would be more comfortable with touch he would be less sad he would feel protected he would open up more to me If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms... he would feel secure he would feel that he can share he would feel understood he would cry in my arms he would let me know the source of his pain he would feel accepted If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves... they would love me back they would be more functional they would be more properly nurtured they would feel great they would communicate better with me we would play together we would trust each other we would feel protected we would walk holding each other arms we would become one

18 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:42 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:31 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 10:13 AM - 11:00 AM I mostly spent time communicating with a client. I also distracted myself a bit too much. Focus: 3/5 Progress: 3/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:22 AM - 12:33 AM I did some improvements on handling files limitations on my app. Focus: 3/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:44 PM - 02:44 PM I continued the work on handling file limitations. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:35 PM - 06:03 PM I continued the progress on handling file limitations. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.75/5 07:30 PM - 09:04 PM I continued working on handling file limitations. I also added a play icon on the small video thumbnails. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 I felt down today and emotionally quite agitated. It's maybe caused by the fact that I blocked this forum almost entirely. My mind feel the need for a dosage that it cannot have. Average Focus: 3.3 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.55 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Your journal is amazing! I hope you'll find an awesome partner

17/06/2021 (Week 21) If my child-self felt accepted by me... he would cry when he wanted to cry he would express all his emotions he would trust me he would communicate with me he would open up he would express his thoughts he would express his creativity If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side... he would trust me he would be less angry against me he would have more courage he would feel less motivated he would feel less alone he would open up to me he would let me know how he feels If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles... they would feel nurtured they would share with me they would trust me more they would share their deepest fears with me they would accept me more they would respect me more they would express themselves If I could hold my child-self in my arms... he would cry in my arms he would share his insecurities with me he would feel protected he would feel some support I'll feel more responsible he would love me If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms... he would explain to me the source of his anger he would explain to me the source of his pain he would feel comforted he would feel supported he would feel less alone he would open up to me he would cry in my arms If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves... we would have better communication together they would get the support that they need they would share their deepest concerns we would all cry together we would stop fighting together and start understanding ourselves we would make peace together we would grow together we would walk together holding each other arms we would unite and become one powerful entity

17 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:10 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:35 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:43 AM - 10:49 AM I worked on an interactive map. I wanted to work more on my app, but I got interrupted. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 11:09 AM - 12:03 AM I'm currently having some issues integrating AMP. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:27 PM - 02:42 PM I did some progress concerning AMP and Javascript communication. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 04:22 PM - 05:46 PM I continued the previous work, but I feel like there is too much limitations with AMP which will cause this issue to be unresolved. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 07:22 PM - 08:47 PM I did some progress on the publishing interface of my app. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.7 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Some French Songs I love these French songs. Take some time to appreciate some beauty.

Judging from the Lower Self vs. Judging from the Higher Self Judging from the Lower Self: backed by fear, often flawed and miss the big picture Judging from the Higher Self: backed by wisdom, very accurate and understand the big picture

16/06/2021 (Week 21) If my child-self felt accepted by me... he would love me he would trust me he would open to me he would show his vulnerabilities he would be more joyful he would be happier If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side... he would feel understood he would be less angry he would be less anxious he would felt more secure he would open up he would be more motivated he would have more courage he would work with me If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles... they would trust me more they would felt understood they would follow me more we would all walk together holding each other hands they would trust me more in challenging times they would see me as good If I could hold my child-self in my arms... I would reassure him I would give him love he would feel more comfortable with me he would feel protected he would feel nurtured we would deepen our connection he would express himself more If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms... he would feel supported he would feel reassured we would deepen our connection he would be less angry he would feel less alone he would open up to me he would share his anxieties he would share his doubts we would start to work together to improve ourselves If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves... we would better communicate together we would better work together they would love me back we would feel more like a single organism perfectly working together we would understand ourselves much better our relationship would progress

16 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:00 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:36 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 10:06 AM - 12:17 AM I did some progress on video upload. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:44 PM - 02:49 PM I did some progress in handling video limitations. I had many unrelated thoughts. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:38 PM - 06:17 PM I did some checks, responded to a client, and worked on an interactive map. Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Average Focus: 3.58 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

A Few Thoughts On My Social Anxiety I got a few new thoughts on that. The thing is that it really depends on the people that I'm dealing with. I can easily feel when people are open/close minded, so when I feel close-mindedness I tend to avoid conversations because I know that a lot of projections and judgments will come. I noticed my social anxiety varying depending on my environment. I live in a mostly stage blue country and it's very difficult for me to communicate with people without them getting triggered, where when I lived in Europe in the past I felt more able to open up because I met people at orange/green. I, therefore, became more social and had more easily nice conversations. As an example, I was seeing a psychologist a few years ago and as soon as I entered the room I felt some closed-mindedness and subconscious judgments in her even if I didn't know her that much. Some sessions later she told me that some people don't even believe in God which confirmed my feelings... lol. In comparison when I talk to Nahm I feel that it's much easier to open up even when I feel some resistance. I personally really enjoy the conversations with Nahm and could talk for hours with him because I'm learning a lot. Lastly, my teenage years have been pretty rough. I had enormous self-esteem issues between 13 to 18. I spent a lot of time isolated because I wouldn't trust people and because I would get bullied (mostly psychologically). Even now at 24, I feel that these years still have an influence on how I perceive the world. I see that I more distrust than trust people and see them as "bad". I also see that sometimes I don't open up to some nice people that could be great friends because I self-identify as being socially anxious which is a mistake because I can have great conversations when I just do the effort to push through it at the beginning. So... I can be social and have nice conversations, thoughtful conversations, deep conversations but it really depends on the people that I'm dealing with. When I find open-minded people, I just need to push through my comfort zone to build momentum. I also think that I can work on Spiral Wizardry skills to be better able to communicate with stage orange, blue, and red but it will always be limited because these stages aren't my center of gravity. I can learn to put myself into lower stages, but temporarily when I want to learn about them or when it's necessary, it won't be how I'll live most of my life.

I need some opinions here. I'm 24 years old, I work from home and live with my family. I make enough money to sustain myself so I can move out if I want, but I only have some concerns when it comes to my family. My grandma is 90 years old, she is blind, cannot hear, cannot move properly, has lost most of her mental faculties, and she from time to time explode in emotional crisis. My mom is the one who takes care of her most of the time. My dad is a 70 years old racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. man who speaks loudly all the time, gives a lot of orders, and insults everyone all day long. It's not possible to rationalize with him. My mom is a 66 years old woman and the only sane person but I see that my grandma and my dad are draining her emotionally. We have animals: hens and four dogs. There's a lot of noise every day as we live close to the street, as we have animals, and as my dad is very loud and doesn't respect the need for silence for other members. When it comes to me, I most of the time self-isolate in my room to avoid the drama and provide a bit of help when it comes to the animals. I'm personally very sensitive to noises and I'm really starting to get sick of this situation and feel the need to move out. But at the same time, I feel that I have a bit of collective responsibility. My parents aren't going to die if I move out, they are just going to get a bit more work. They have the money that they need, so they aren't big financial issues, but they are old and getting older. I understand the necessity to help each other and take care of each others, but there's a difference between living in a dysfunctional environment and helping dysfunctional people. Sometimes, I feel that all these stage Green values are going to fly out the window and that I'm going to run out of this house. I currently feel the need to become ultra selfish, care only about myself, and let my family fall down.

@mivafofa No, at least not for the moment. @BlackMaze Thanks for your advice. Yeah, cold showers are awesome. Also, this is a weird thing that I discovered recently but screaming in a pillow when having thoughts storms clears the mind very quickly.

@mandyjw @DIDego @Rajneeshpuram I got a lot of good answers previously but they unfortunately got deleted since the data loss. Also, an incident happened just after I created this thread that is now allowing me to move out with more peace of mind. Thanks for your answers.

Structural Change + New Metric: Progress So... I have been tracking my work habit for a bit more than one year now and I got results: I can work for longer hours and can also focus better. I now want to make a few changes here. The issue that I see is that I often focus more on the hours that I put in rather than making progress in the work. What I care about is the result that I create while working, not the number of hours that I put in so I'm going to focus less on the time spend and more on the progress. I'm going to stop tracking my hours and I'm going to add a new metric called "Progress". This metric is an indication of how much progress I make during a work session. I sometimes noticed myself spending a lot of time turning into circles in order to convince myself that I'm actually making progress, where this is not the case. This new metric will help me acknowledging if I'm actually making real progress or just fooling myself. It has 5 levels: Very Low Progress Low Progress Normal / Average Progress Good Progress A lot of Progress

15 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:13 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 02:16 PM - 02:55 PM I updated some data and uploaded the app file to make some tests. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 Deep Work Sessions: 04:46 PM - 06:19 PM I did some work on handling video upload. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 I didn't sleep the night because I had to take care of grandma again. An ambulance came today to take her to the hospital. This day was pretty agitated and I didn't work that much. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Structural Change + New Metric: Progress So... I have been tracking my work habit for a bit more than one year now and I got results: I can work for longer hours and can also focus better. I now want to make a few changes here. The issue that I see is that I often focus more on the hours that I put in rather than making progress in the work. What I care about is the result that I create while working, not the number of hours that I put in so I'm going to focus less on the time spend and more on the progress. I'm going to stop tracking my hours and I'm going to add a new metric called "Progress". This metric is an indication of how much progress I make during a work session. I sometimes noticed myself spending a lot of time turning into circles in order to convince myself that I'm actually making progress, where this is not the case. This new metric will help me acknowledging if I'm actually making real progress or just fooling myself. It has 5 levels: Very Low Progress Low Progress Normal / Average Progress Good Progress A lot of Progress

15/06/2021 (Week 21) If my child-self felt accepted by me... he would express himself he would feel more secure he would express more joy he would be more functional he would be happier he would be more curious he won't take things too seriously he would not take seriously serious things he would take seriously non-serious things he would take serious things seriously he would not take seriously non-serious things If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side... he would be more motivated he would show his desire to improve he would open up emotionally he would respect me more he would better trust me he would like me he would be less depressed he would be less angry If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles... they would trust me more they would open up to me they would work with me they would be happier they would feel understood they would feel less isolated they would share more about themselves If I could hold my child-self in my arms... he would feel protected he would feel supported I'll deepen my connection with my child-self he would feel nurtured he would become more comfortable with touch he would feel loved If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms... he would feel understood he would feel like his voice has been heard he would be happier he would enjoy life he would open up a bit more he would be less rebellious If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves... I'll feel more in touch with myself my younger selves would work together I'll feel holier my younger selves would express themselves healthily my younger selves would love me back everyone would grow enormously: my child self, my teenage self, and my adult self