Raphael

@Preety_India Do you work for the local market?

@Preety_India What work do you do? How much do you earn? What would be the minimum amount per month for you to get more freedom?

Aside from money, what would you need?

You probably have a lot of repressed anger in you. Have you ever try to scream in a pillow or to go to an isolated place to let your anger out?

About Toxic Masculinity: Causes and Consequences Generally speaking, society has higher expectations of men. There's a bias where women are allowed to cry and be vulnerable because they are women and where men are expected to be strong and providing because they are men. This bias is very strong within men and creates anxieties from a very young age. Society glorifies strong men which is the reason why men sometimes compete with each other and why men are generally more involved in competitive sports or other competitive activities: because they want to prove themselves to society. However, this obsession for being strong and performant backfires many times and creates the opposite result. It's quite similar to beauty standards for women: society praises women for their beauty and praises men for being emotionally strong. Society also praises men for their looks but much less than women. The reason why society praises men for being emotionally strong is not just a cultural bias that can be easily changed, but a biological bias. Men are biologically stronger and more raw survival-oriented than women which is the reason why they are expected to be emotionally stronger because their bodies are better fit for survival. Also when faced with tough survival challenges, someone cannot allow himself to cry in difficult situations because otherwise, he will never go through it. Things get toxic in two main cases: When men are faced with survival challenges that are so tough that it makes them dysfunctional. When the biological truth of men being better fit for survival gets so much amplified by gender bias to the point where men are ashamed to show vulnerabilities. This is especially an issue with men who don't fit the typical masculine norms. For the survival case, it's not possible to easily get out of it, systems need to be improved to soften life challenges. For the cultural bias, the healthy approach is simply to detach from these high expectations, recognize imperfections, and start to correct them. But the pressure of being this hypercompetent entrepreneurial type man is sometimes so high that a percentage of men aren't able to detach and becomes ashamed of themselves. This creates a strange situation where there is high cultural conditioning that expects men to be emotionally strong and competent where at the same time to be healthy an individual needs to express vulnerabilities. Some men are stuck in this paradox, they are so ashamed of their vulnerabilities and imperfections that it makes them more and more toxic. This situation creates a lot of internalized anger. Also, nobody likes anger, and anger is labeled as "bad" and this prevents men with strong emotional baggage to even try to search for solutions. They are obviously other cases that create toxicity, for example: some men (and also women) push themselves as hard as they can to become strong, however, after a certain point, they don't become stronger but just emotionally dysfunctional. Even if life is easier than before since the age of information, the cultural conditioning of "being strong and don't show emotions" from centuries of rough survival is still present, however, it will naturally go away as societies evolve into Green. I will not try to explore more cases here because they are too many of them, but in the end, things can get really twisted and complex.

07/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll be patient with my child-self I'll give my child-self the compassion that he needs for learning I'll accept my child-self hesitations I'll let go of expectations to go fast and get immediate results I'll accept mistakes of my child-self I'll let my child-self being a child I'll let him time If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll accept my teenage-self hesitations I'll accept my teenage-self doubts I won't force my teenage-self to trust me immediately I'll give my teenage-self all the time that he needs I'll support my teenage-self I'll have compassion for my teenage-self I'll let my teenage-self experience his trust backslash healthily and give him a hand when needed As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I understand that I cannot avoid them I understand that I cannot repress them I'm letting themselves be I understand that they have the right to express themselves I understand that they need support I understand that they need help I understand that they need to be integrated I understand that I need to communicate with them I understand that I need to deepen my connection with them I am becoming aware... that I'm improving that my child-self is expressing himself that my child-self is afraid of his dad that one way to make my child-self grow is to communicate with his dad that my teenage-self needs to express his anger that my teenage-self needs understanding that my teenage-self needs help that I need to communicate more with my younger selves that I need to give love to my younger selves

07 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:09 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 10:01 AM - 11:03 AM I did some progress on Instagram limitations, but I also got some bugs. I sometimes still have thoughts from difficult past experiences that are coming back. Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 11:22 AM - 12:49 AM My mind was very agitated during this session. I had difficulties to work properly. Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes Focus: 3/5 Progress: 2/5 01:47 PM - 14:56 PM Did some progress on some bugs. I feel a lot of shame and guilt in myself that needs to be expressed. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:35 PM - 06:17 PM I fixed some bugs and continued the work on handling Instagram quotas. Duration: 1 hour 42 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:01 PM - 09:43 PM Did more progress on Instagram quotas. Duration: 1 hour 42 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 7 hours 2 minutes, including hours minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.45 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.1 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

My brain is so strange. I feel at the same time healthy and fucked up.

06/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let time for my child-self I'll have more compassion for my child-self I'll stay open for my child-self I'll have patience I'll comfort my child-self during the learning process I'll let him breath If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let him be angry I'll let him time to evolve on the emotional scale I'll be patient with him I'll stay open to him I won't criticize him for taking time I'll give him the love that he needs to grow As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I understand that they need to express themselves I understand that they need emotional understanding I understand that they need to be I understand that they need love I understand that they need support I understand that they need to be integrated I am becoming aware ... that I can heal my younger selves that I can have an healthy relationship with my younger selves that I'm making progress that I need to be kind of myself that I need to support myself that I need to love myself

06 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:28 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:00 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:30 AM - 10:31 AM I contacted the revenue authority to solve the issues related to the tax payment. Things are getting better, it looks like I can a penalty finally. Duration: 1 hour 1 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 05:08 PM - 06:26 PM I did some work on the backend API with Instagram quotas. Duration: 1 hour 18 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:05 PM - 10:07 PM I added the scheduling functionality on the front-end and did other progress concerning Instagram quotas handling. Duration: 2 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 4 hours 21 minutes, including 3 hours 20 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Hey, how do you feel now? This reminds me of a similar experience where I would have panic attacks thinking about my dad for everything that he did to me. He would then come to me and try to help me but I would refuse because he was precisely the one that I was afraid of, but he wouldn't understand that. He would tell me things like: "We've told you to not stress, but you are still stressing. Don't stress.". I then choose to let him do his thing to get rid of him fast. Many times even when he speaks normally, I still hear him speaking loudly and insulting in my head.

05/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll be patient with my child-self I'll give time to my child-self I won't shame my child-self for not opening up as fast as I would like I'll trust my child-self in the process of trusting me more and more I won't criticize my child-self for taking its time I'll the love that my child-self needs to learn to trust me If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll be patient with my teenage-self I'll accept my teenage-self expressing himself in unhealthy ways until he starts to open up to me I'll let my teenage-self do what he needs to do in order to trust me I'll let go of the expectation to go fast I'll give the understand that my teenage-self needs I'll give the support that my teenage-self needs I'll have more compassion for my teenage-self I'll accept that my teenage-self needs time I won't criticize my teenage-self for needing time I won't shame my teenage-self for needing time As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I understand that I have been repressing them I understand that I was ashamed of them I now need to integrate them healthily I open up to them expressing themselves I'm starting to understand myself better I'm becoming more authentic I'm starting to love them I'm starting to nurture them I am becoming aware ... that my child-self and teenage-self wants to express themselves that my child-self and teenage-self wants to express their pain and to cry that I need to make peace with my younger selves that I need to love myself that I need to let myself be that I need to express myself

05 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:23 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:04 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:07 AM - 09:59 AM I tried to call the revenue authority, but didn't got any response. I created a new route for the API. Duration: 52 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 4/5 I moved today to visit an old friend that I didn't talk to for at least 6 years. He is a well-integrated Orange/Green individual. We are going to do business together, he has a lot of knowledge and I'm going to learn a lot from him. He is currently working part-time for another company and building his own company and I'm doing the same. This is going to be a nice collaboration because he is a very healthy individual and that's the kind of individual that I want to spend time with. I decided that I would live from my higher self and only allow high-conscious people in my life. I choose to change my waking up and going to bed schedule so that it fit the natural day/night cycle. I feel that I'm doing much better when I wake up naturally than with an alarm. Total Work Duration: 52 minutes, including 52 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.75 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 4 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Warning: This one is severely toxic + racist.

About Toxic Masculinity I want to share some thoughts about toxic masculinity as this is an issue that I have some familiarity with and caused me suffering even as a man. I didn't have any healthy masculine examples around me while growing up. In fact, the masculine examples that I had were so bad that they caused me the see the feminine as being better than the masculine and to distrust the masculine. Even as a man, I had many times the feeling that overall men are stupider than women because they are less in touch with their emotions. As a kid, I couldn't understand the rage of the men around me and therefore would much better appreciate the company of women than the company of men. The two worst examples that I have are an uncle and my dad. I'm going to start with this uncle because oh my god, this one was so toxic that it was insane. When I was a kid, I had an aunt that would come home to help my mom with some stuff. After being done, me and my sister would usually go back with her and spend some time at her place... and this uncle would be there. This guy would sometimes give us a bit of money and some biscuits or chocolate, but aside from that, he was a total disaster. He was drinking and smoking and would often get drunk. I didn't personally saw it, but I know that he would sometimes come back home drunk and force his wife to have sexual intercourse with him (which is rape) and if she would refuse he would either verbally threaten her or beat her. I also know that his kids would witness the scene without being able to do anything. The abuses would not just be related to sex, but for anything that his wife would not do properly, would not give him, and even for his own mistakes. He was a farmer and would often have a stick with him that he would use to beat his animals and also sometimes his wife... just like another animal. He would throw rocks at her, insult her, get outraged at her. I remember as a kid hearing him shouting at her that he would kill her if she didn't do exactly what he needed. I would hear: "I'LL KILL YOU NEXT TIME! I'LL KILL YOU!.". And I think that he got close to killing her multiple times in the past. My mom told me a story that one day my dad went to his place and saw him beating his wife so much that she had to hide under a bed to avoid getting beaten. My dad tried to resonate with him and stated that he could kill her like this, and, apparently, it helped calm him down. His wife was basically his slave. He couldn't cook anything for himself, his wife had to do it for him. She had to cook everything and then serve him while he was watching TV, he couldn't even do such a basic thing as putting butter on his bread. One day, he didn't eat anything because his wife was absent because she was visiting her family. He needed her to put food in his hands. After some years of regularly going to their place as a kid, I personally got sick of seeing this guy. I decided to cut him off and stopped visiting them... and he would then complain about it. Interestingly, my sister would still go to their place and still visit them. I think that she felt obliged, also my sister has enormous compassion, way too much compassion for her own good... but I'll write about that in another post. I very rarely see this uncle now, however, I still see his wife quite often and I'm very impressed by how well she is doing. She lived an entire life of abuse, yet she is still one of the kindness women that I know. She is incredible. Let's move on to my dad. When it comes to my dad, the situation wouldn't be toxic to the point where he would beat my mom (but I personally got a bit of that for reasons that I consider unjustified), but he was still very toxic. He made a lot of progress tough, but I still don't qualify him as a decent individual. His toxicity would show as being extremely brutal and aggressive verbally, it was psychological in 99% of cases. He would be full of hate, angry, and hypercritical of everything. He would apply extreme psychological pressure on my mom and me for the smallest mistake that we would do. However, when we would point out to him just a normal mistake of life like forgetting something or not explaining himself properly, he would explode in rage. He would give orders all the time, especially to my mom. He always needed my mom to do things for him, to obey him, and to do things fast. He often insulted and disrespected my mom. I remember getting back home one day after having spent some time in another country and I was shocked by my mom's state. She was emotionally numb, she was extremely afraid of him, she was making herself small. She was talking the minimum possible to avoid any verbal abuse. At that time, my sister told me that he went to the extreme with her, his insults and criticism were probably some of the most brutal that he said to her in his entire life. She told me that he said things like this: "YOU ARE A TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT! YOU ARE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT THAT EXISTS ON THE PLANET AND THAT WILL EVER EXIST! THEY ARE NO BIGGER PIECE OF SHIT THAN YOU!". I often saw my mom overstressed, sad, and sometimes crying while growing up. It also had an impact on me, I was very afraid and disgust by this brutal animalistic man that I would call my dad. I didn't felt safe while growing up, I was always fearful, I would be very careful because I would be afraid of receiving an explosion of hate. My dad would hide his game pretty well outside, he would show himself as fun and charismatic. I remember being in a store with him as a kid and one man told me: "You're dad... He must be a great dad, a cool dad, he is very funny.". I just responded "Yes", not knowing what to say about this. When I was maybe 13 or 14, I remember being with him when he openly said to a saleswomen: "NEXT TIME I'LL PUT MY FINGERS IN YOUR ASS". He was married to my mom, I was a kid, he did this publicly without any shame, it completely disgusted me. Even if he would put this mask on while being outside, he would in reality be extremely afraid and careful of people. It was so bad that he would insist to keep all the curtains closed in the house and would criticize us if just an inch would not be covered because he was convinced that some people were watching us. He didn't like when me and my sister would play in the garden and he told us many times to not play in the garden because people would watch us. He was convinced that the neighbor was spying on us and trying to listen to our conversations and for that, he would take a huge stick and beat it on some tole to scare the neighbor and to be sure that he would go away. He was overly protective of me and my sister, he didn't allow us to just walk a bit in the street because he was convinced that someone would try to kill us. He wanted us to do everything exactly like him, this issue showed up multiple times when it comes to eating. He would be angry and criticize us if we would not eat exactly like him. If someone would dislike something that he liked, he would insult this person. My dad is also hyper racist especially against black people and Muslims, he is always obsessed with people's ethnicity. And also sexist, and homophobic. I heard him a certain number of time saying that we should kill some kind of people. The favorite sport of my dad is just insulting, I saw him my entire life insulting people all day long. It caused me a lot of issues while growing up and I think that I bugged many people at school. They didn't understand what was going on with me, they didn't understand how I was living, they didn't understand why I would be so emotionally numb, and would therefore react against me, dislike me, or hate me. But this is also the reason that got me into personal development and in a sense, I'm grateful for that and grateful that it led me to the discovery of actualized.org Aside from these two examples, many other examples that I had weren't that much better. Many of my uncles would be alcoholics, some of them would not even work and their wives would do everything for them. So... as a kid growing up with all this toxicity around me, I quickly realized and told myself: "Alright... these examples are the worst examples that can possibly exist. To do great in life, just do the complete opposite of what all these people are doing". And this is what I did, and what I'm currently doing. It doesn't mean that I did everything properly, I had many issues while growing up, and it was challenging to deal with them and I still have some of them. But overall, I must say that I'm very satisfied with where I got in life considering all this toxic background. I'm at a point where I feel 90% healthier than most people. Solitude helped me a lot in processing all that trauma and trying to understand things.

04/07/2021 (Week 23) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... take responsibility to cover the needs of my child-self take responsibility to cover the needs of my teenage-self create a secure environment for my child-self nurture my child-self let my teenage-self express all his dirty emotions give my teenage-self the support that he needs give my teenage-self the understanding that he needs embrace my child-self embrace my teenage-self give my younger selves compassion so that they can grow

Weekly Statistics (28 June 2021 - 04 July 2021) Total Working Time 28 hours 11 minutes Average Focus 3.55 / 5 Average Progress / Session 3.36 / 5

04 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:40 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:45 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

About Having an Intimate Relationship: About The Limitations of My Environment So... I did some research and found out that there are around ~ 98000 girls in the age range that I'm looking for in my country and in these ~ 98000, 99% will be cut out for simple reasons: Most of the youth is either at stage Blue or Blue/Orange which is too low for me. My minimum standard is Orange/Green. Some of them are already in a relationship. I will only be attracted to a certain percentage of them physically speaking. I don't resonate with 99% of people and that was way before I discovered actualized.org. This is something that I experienced since I was maybe 3 or 4 years old. With all these variables taken into consideration, it means that there is less than a ~1000 girls compatible with me in my country... lmfao. Yep, my environment is severely limited. Nevertheless, I didn't lose all my hope, I still think that there is a possibility to find a high conscious partner where I live, but this is going to be tough. The possibility is razor-thin, yet exists. Also, I did found some healthy people at Orange/Green in the past but it was extremely rare. I think that I might have a bias against my country because of how limited it is, but I need to stay open that a possibility still exists. I'm not shooting for a perfect partner, we all have imperfections and that's fine, but someone compatible with me would have to be overall healthy, self-sustainable, and very open-minded. If it's really not possible here, I might go for international dating or maybe just stay alone because solitude ain't that bad and I'm used to it anyway.

My balanced brain is strange. Sometimes, I feel like a guy and sometimes I feel like a girl. Currently, I feel more like a girl.

03 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 09:00 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:52 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Saturday) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Didn't sleep the entire night, woke up late, didn't work. Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

03/07/2021 (Week 23) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... give my child-self the understanding that he needs give my child-self the support that he needs give my teenage-self the love that he needs give my teenage-self the compassion that he needs start loving my younger selves give everything that my younger selves needs

02/07/2021 (Week 23) At the thought of giving my child-self what he/she needs from me... my child-self feels understood my child-self would trust me more my child-self would open more to be I feel like an healthy parent I feel growing I feel responsible I feel having a better communication with myself At the thought of giving my teenage-self what he/she needs from me... I feel that my teenage-self would trust me more I feel that my teenage-self is thankful I feel that my teenage-self is opening up I feel that my teenage-self is expressing himself I feel that my teenage-self is healing I feel that my teenage-self is feeling understood I feel my teenage-self expressing himself If my child-self and I were to fall in love... we would embrace each other we would share our dirty secrets we would speak more to each other we would let each other being vulnerable we would hold each other hands we would appreciate each other company we would be crazy together If my teenage-self and I were to fall in love... we would express all of our emotions we would communicate together we would share our fears and insecurities we would be there for each other we would appreciate each other we would cry in each other arms we would express our thoughts we would express our emotions we would try to understand each other we would make peace

02 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:00 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:02 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:37 AM - 10:35 AM I created an invoice and sent it, I also started to fix the Instagram publishing issue for videos. Duration: 58 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 11:01 AM - 12:24 AM I handled Instagram video upload, but then found some bugs with Twitter and Facebook video upload. Duration: 1 hour 23 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:29 PM - 02:40 PM Looks like I finally solve this bug for Twitter video publishing. Duration: 1 hour 11 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:17 PM - 09:40 PM I completed the fixes on video publishing. Duration: 1 hour 23 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Total Work Duration: 4 hours 55 minutes, including hours minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.62 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)