Raphael

09/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll give time to my child-self I'll have patience with my child-self I'll support my child-self through his learning phase I'll give compassion to my child-self I'll accept the difficulties of my child-self I'll let my child-self be If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let my teenage-self express his fear of me I'll give my teenage-self all the time that he needs I'll try to understand the difficulties of my teenage-self I'll have compassion for my teenage-self I'll let time to my teenage-self I'll let go of critics and judgments of my teenage-self As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I understand that I need to integrate them I understand that they want to express themselves I understand that by integrating them I'm becoming more authentic I understand that they need to live I'm giving them love because they need it I'm letting themselves be I am becoming aware... that I don't have to repress emotions that I'm deepening my connection with my younger selves that I need to be kind and supporting of myself that I am becoming more authentic that I need to be patient that I am healing

09 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:16 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:40 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:54 AM - 10:56 AM I responded to a client and trying to fix some bugs related to Instagram scheduling. Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 02:16 PM - 02:54 PM I work on correcting bugs regarding Instagram scheduling. Duration: 38 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 06:57 PM - 08:43 PM Pushed some changes on Github, created a pull request and merged it, updated the API on the server, and started correcting new bugs on the interface. Duration: 1 hour 46 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:57 PM - 09:43 PM More bug fixes Duration: 46 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3/5 I sense that working a bit every day for 4 - 5 hours may work better for me than trying to put in 6 or more hours 5 days per week. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 6 minutes, including 4 hours 6 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.62 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.25 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

@soos_mite_ah Ok. That's sad lol. So, I'm going to describe it. The video is a short clip from the TV Show "Mr. Robot", it shows Elliot (the main character) discovering after forgetting that he has been abused during his childhood which is the reason why he suffers from a lot of depression and have repressed anger and sadness. He doesn't know what to do with his emotions and decide to let them go by shouting everything out. The video title is "Elliot Rage and Vera "Amen" | Mr. Robot S4E7", but I also found a shorter version which I'm putting below in the hope that it works:

I'm wondering if I didn't catch Covid. I felt unusual fatigue yesterday and currently feel a bit tired with a dry throat.

@soos_mite_ah Do you have a restriction on the video? Maybe you can access it here through its link.

@Raptorsin7 Don't you feel relief when you let your rage out? @soos_mite_ah Whatever helps you get it out is great, but it needs to get out. Maybe doing more of this could help:

08/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let him time to learn to trust me I'll reassure him I'll let him test me I'll give compassion to my child-self I'll allow my child-self to experience with me I'll let go of expectations of immediate result If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let time to my teenage-self I'll let my teenage-self express his fears I'll give support to my teenage-self I'll give love to my teenage-self I'll have compassion for my teenage-self I'll let go of expectations of immediate results As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I'm understanding that I need to integrate them I understand that I need to communicate with them more I'm letting them expressing their emotions I'm understanding that they have the right to exists I'm understanding that they the right to express themselves I understand that they need to be I am becoming aware... that my child-self is showing himself more that my teenage-self is showing himself more that past traumas are getting released that I need to self-express that I can grow a lot by self-expressing myself that I have the right to self-express that grow involves self-express that grow involves connecting with my younger-selves that grow involves trusting my younger-selves that grow involves making peace with my younger-selves

08 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:15 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 11:24 AM - 01:03 PM Did some tests, but found more bugs when it comes to scheduling. Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:45 PM - 02:54 PM More bugs, and more bugs, and more bugs with a bit of sadness. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:54 PM - 06:34 PM I worked on fixing a lot of bugs related to scheduling. Duration: 1 hour 40 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 I currently feel very tired, I don't know what's going on but I'm exhausted. I didn't expect to go to bed that early. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 16 minutes, including hours minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.16 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

My previous question was maybe strange. My thought is that if you can work from home with locals, then you can also work with foreigners through a platform like Upwork. It could help you make more money than you are making and get more freedom.

My bias is to be unbiased.

About Toxic Masculinity: How Bad Was/Is My Dad Really? I noticed that I often time over-exaggerate things in order to fulfill my ego. So how bad was my dad really? What's the worst thing that I saw? I saw him throwing a knife at my mom when I was a kid, but he missed her. That's the worst thing that I saw and the only time where it almost went physical. He never physically abused my mom. But even if he never physically abused her, he was still very violent through his behaviors. He was convinced that he wasn't violent, one day he told her: "You're lucky that you found a kind man because another man would break your face". The fact that he was not beating her was him being kind in his mind. I saw a lot of psychological pressure while growing up, a lot of orders, a lot of criticism, a lot of insults, a lot of manipulations. I saw my mom being treated like shit or being treated like a maid many times in the past. She would feel a lot of pain in her body just through insults, criticism, and psychological pressure. But also, if I'm honest, my dad made a lot of progress over the last ten years. Since he stopped working a year ago, he became more relaxed than before and it has been a while since he didn't explode in rage. However, even with all this progress, he is still sometimes very annoying and difficult to deal with. He is getting closer to a decent stage Blue individual, I hope he'll get there, but I have zero certainties.

@Preety_India Do you work for the local market?

@Preety_India What work do you do? How much do you earn? What would be the minimum amount per month for you to get more freedom?

Aside from money, what would you need?

You probably have a lot of repressed anger in you. Have you ever try to scream in a pillow or to go to an isolated place to let your anger out?

About Toxic Masculinity: Causes and Consequences Generally speaking, society has higher expectations of men. There's a bias where women are allowed to cry and be vulnerable because they are women and where men are expected to be strong and providing because they are men. This bias is very strong within men and creates anxieties from a very young age. Society glorifies strong men which is the reason why men sometimes compete with each other and why men are generally more involved in competitive sports or other competitive activities: because they want to prove themselves to society. However, this obsession for being strong and performant backfires many times and creates the opposite result. It's quite similar to beauty standards for women: society praises women for their beauty and praises men for being emotionally strong. Society also praises men for their looks but much less than women. The reason why society praises men for being emotionally strong is not just a cultural bias that can be easily changed, but a biological bias. Men are biologically stronger and more raw survival-oriented than women which is the reason why they are expected to be emotionally stronger because their bodies are better fit for survival. Also when faced with tough survival challenges, someone cannot allow himself to cry in difficult situations because otherwise, he will never go through it. Things get toxic in two main cases: When men are faced with survival challenges that are so tough that it makes them dysfunctional. When the biological truth of men being better fit for survival gets so much amplified by gender bias to the point where men are ashamed to show vulnerabilities. This is especially an issue with men who don't fit the typical masculine norms. For the survival case, it's not possible to easily get out of it, systems need to be improved to soften life challenges. For the cultural bias, the healthy approach is simply to detach from these high expectations, recognize imperfections, and start to correct them. But the pressure of being this hypercompetent entrepreneurial type man is sometimes so high that a percentage of men aren't able to detach and becomes ashamed of themselves. This creates a strange situation where there is high cultural conditioning that expects men to be emotionally strong and competent where at the same time to be healthy an individual needs to express vulnerabilities. Some men are stuck in this paradox, they are so ashamed of their vulnerabilities and imperfections that it makes them more and more toxic. This situation creates a lot of internalized anger. Also, nobody likes anger, and anger is labeled as "bad" and this prevents men with strong emotional baggage to even try to search for solutions. They are obviously other cases that create toxicity, for example: some men (and also women) push themselves as hard as they can to become strong, however, after a certain point, they don't become stronger but just emotionally dysfunctional. Even if life is easier than before since the age of information, the cultural conditioning of "being strong and don't show emotions" from centuries of rough survival is still present, however, it will naturally go away as societies evolve into Green. I will not try to explore more cases here because they are too many of them, but in the end, things can get really twisted and complex.

07/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll be patient with my child-self I'll give my child-self the compassion that he needs for learning I'll accept my child-self hesitations I'll let go of expectations to go fast and get immediate results I'll accept mistakes of my child-self I'll let my child-self being a child I'll let him time If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll accept my teenage-self hesitations I'll accept my teenage-self doubts I won't force my teenage-self to trust me immediately I'll give my teenage-self all the time that he needs I'll support my teenage-self I'll have compassion for my teenage-self I'll let my teenage-self experience his trust backslash healthily and give him a hand when needed As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I understand that I cannot avoid them I understand that I cannot repress them I'm letting themselves be I understand that they have the right to express themselves I understand that they need support I understand that they need help I understand that they need to be integrated I understand that I need to communicate with them I understand that I need to deepen my connection with them I am becoming aware... that I'm improving that my child-self is expressing himself that my child-self is afraid of his dad that one way to make my child-self grow is to communicate with his dad that my teenage-self needs to express his anger that my teenage-self needs understanding that my teenage-self needs help that I need to communicate more with my younger selves that I need to give love to my younger selves

07 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:09 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 10:01 AM - 11:03 AM I did some progress on Instagram limitations, but I also got some bugs. I sometimes still have thoughts from difficult past experiences that are coming back. Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 11:22 AM - 12:49 AM My mind was very agitated during this session. I had difficulties to work properly. Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes Focus: 3/5 Progress: 2/5 01:47 PM - 14:56 PM Did some progress on some bugs. I feel a lot of shame and guilt in myself that needs to be expressed. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:35 PM - 06:17 PM I fixed some bugs and continued the work on handling Instagram quotas. Duration: 1 hour 42 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:01 PM - 09:43 PM Did more progress on Instagram quotas. Duration: 1 hour 42 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 7 hours 2 minutes, including hours minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.45 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.1 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

My brain is so strange. I feel at the same time healthy and fucked up.

06/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let time for my child-self I'll have more compassion for my child-self I'll stay open for my child-self I'll have patience I'll comfort my child-self during the learning process I'll let him breath If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let him be angry I'll let him time to evolve on the emotional scale I'll be patient with him I'll stay open to him I won't criticize him for taking time I'll give him the love that he needs to grow As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I understand that they need to express themselves I understand that they need emotional understanding I understand that they need to be I understand that they need love I understand that they need support I understand that they need to be integrated I am becoming aware ... that I can heal my younger selves that I can have an healthy relationship with my younger selves that I'm making progress that I need to be kind of myself that I need to support myself that I need to love myself

06 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:28 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:00 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:30 AM - 10:31 AM I contacted the revenue authority to solve the issues related to the tax payment. Things are getting better, it looks like I can a penalty finally. Duration: 1 hour 1 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 05:08 PM - 06:26 PM I did some work on the backend API with Instagram quotas. Duration: 1 hour 18 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:05 PM - 10:07 PM I added the scheduling functionality on the front-end and did other progress concerning Instagram quotas handling. Duration: 2 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 4 hours 21 minutes, including 3 hours 20 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Hey, how do you feel now? This reminds me of a similar experience where I would have panic attacks thinking about my dad for everything that he did to me. He would then come to me and try to help me but I would refuse because he was precisely the one that I was afraid of, but he wouldn't understand that. He would tell me things like: "We've told you to not stress, but you are still stressing. Don't stress.". I then choose to let him do his thing to get rid of him fast. Many times even when he speaks normally, I still hear him speaking loudly and insulting in my head.

05/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll be patient with my child-self I'll give time to my child-self I won't shame my child-self for not opening up as fast as I would like I'll trust my child-self in the process of trusting me more and more I won't criticize my child-self for taking its time I'll the love that my child-self needs to learn to trust me If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll be patient with my teenage-self I'll accept my teenage-self expressing himself in unhealthy ways until he starts to open up to me I'll let my teenage-self do what he needs to do in order to trust me I'll let go of the expectation to go fast I'll give the understand that my teenage-self needs I'll give the support that my teenage-self needs I'll have more compassion for my teenage-self I'll accept that my teenage-self needs time I won't criticize my teenage-self for needing time I won't shame my teenage-self for needing time As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I understand that I have been repressing them I understand that I was ashamed of them I now need to integrate them healthily I open up to them expressing themselves I'm starting to understand myself better I'm becoming more authentic I'm starting to love them I'm starting to nurture them I am becoming aware ... that my child-self and teenage-self wants to express themselves that my child-self and teenage-self wants to express their pain and to cry that I need to make peace with my younger selves that I need to love myself that I need to let myself be that I need to express myself

05 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:23 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:04 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:07 AM - 09:59 AM I tried to call the revenue authority, but didn't got any response. I created a new route for the API. Duration: 52 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 4/5 I moved today to visit an old friend that I didn't talk to for at least 6 years. He is a well-integrated Orange/Green individual. We are going to do business together, he has a lot of knowledge and I'm going to learn a lot from him. He is currently working part-time for another company and building his own company and I'm doing the same. This is going to be a nice collaboration because he is a very healthy individual and that's the kind of individual that I want to spend time with. I decided that I would live from my higher self and only allow high-conscious people in my life. I choose to change my waking up and going to bed schedule so that it fit the natural day/night cycle. I feel that I'm doing much better when I wake up naturally than with an alarm. Total Work Duration: 52 minutes, including 52 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.75 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 4 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)