Raphael

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Everything posted by Raphael

  1. 11 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:06 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:05 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)
  2. About Toxic Masculinity: Some Resentment Towards My Mom I noticed that I have a bit of resentment against my mom for marrying such a man like my dad. I always had difficulties understanding why she married him. She had a great life, she had friends, she had a healthy supporting family, she had a job, she was happy, she had freedom, everything in her life was perfect. She could have got a high-quality man because she is a quality woman... so why in the world marrying a racist sociopath? I asked my mom in the past why she married him, she responded that she was in love and that she didn't realize how he was. I also asked a few times why she didn't quit him, she responded because she got me and my sister or that she doesn't know. I always found her answers disturbing. She could have quit my dad and get back to her job, her parents would have helped her in raising me and my sister, she would have got some help and she would have made it out, but she chose to stay with my dad. I saw her being talked down, I saw her overstressed, I saw her crying, I saw her sad, I saw her depressed, I saw her afraid, I saw her getting some physical threats (without physical actions), I saw her being pressured, I saw her being used as a scapegoat, I saw her becoming emotionally numb. It broke me down as a kid and I couldn't do anything excepting absorbing the toxicity. I would have preferred to grow up without a dad than a dad like him. I wouldn't have to go through all the emotional suffering, and trying to fix myself if I had a healthy dad. The explanations that I came to so far after contemplating this issue many times are simply: She is a very feminine woman and very feminine women are highly attracted to very masculine men (strong, dominant, confident), but many times these hypermasculine men are total assholes. My dad probably showed off as a hypermasculine, hyper charismatic, strong, and fun guy and she liked it, but that was just a facade and she didn't expect him to be so toxic. Very feminine women have weak boundaries and will therefore care more about others than themselves. They often put more blame on themselves, feel like there's something wrong with them when it's not the case, and have a tendency to be people pleasers. Also, women are naturally more oriented towards others because nurturing is more in their biology where men are more oriented towards self-survival because men are naturally more wired towards raw survival. She didn't have any bad experience with guys before and never even got catcalled. This point may be surprising, but the fact is that she grow up in France and was a young woman in the 70s and 80s helps to make sense. At that time in France, stage Blue was healthily integrated so people were overall more polite and decent. This is different in our time because of stage Orange's obsession with freedom which leads to stage Red being able to show itself more and take advantage. Many times simple decency doesn't exist anymore because stage Orange is so prevalent. Fear. I wasn't born at that time, but my guess is that she was very afraid of this tall, muscular, and aggressive man. Because of that, she didn't want to take any action to quit and she got trapped by fear. She was probably afraid that something could happen to her physically if she decided to quit. The overall feeling that I get when it comes to toxic relationships with either a toxic man or a toxic woman is that when some people "fall in love", basic logic doesn't exist anymore. They want to be in the relationship because they think that their love will make it work but doesn't in practice, and therefore the result is just damaged people. Nah, this isn't a great idea to marry a racist sociopath or a great idea to be in a relationship with a dysfunctional, manipulative, woman just because of "love". Love will not magically cure the other person, but it is in this kind of situation that tough love needs to be applied to break the relationship. Basic common sense is important, yet so many times underrated.
  3. 10/07/2021 (Week 24) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... give time to my younger selves to learn to trust me trust my younger selves give compassion to my younger selves integrate my younger selves let my younger selves express themselves let my younger selves exists heal the relationship with my younger selves
  4. New Changes I'm going to add 1 hour of meditation to my checklist. Meditating in the morning is like a superpower that makes my days better. I'm reducing the Doing Nothing Time Before Going to Bed to 30 minutes
  5. 10 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:16 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:48 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Saturday) ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:01 PM - 09:42 PM I did a bit of planning and some research. Duration: 41 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 Deep Work Sessions: 04:58 PM - 06:16 PM I created a route to handle single photo scheduling for Facebook pages. Duration: 1 hour 18 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 4/5 07:34 PM - 08:54 PM I fixed some bugs related to Facebook scheduling. Duration: 1 hour 20 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 3 hours 19 minutes, including 2 hours 38 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.58 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)
  6. Yeah, looks like this is the case.
  7. Hey everyone, I have been living with a feeling of being bad, being an impostor, being inadequately perceived by people for almost my entire life. This feeling intensified a bit recently when I got in touch with an old friend that I'm going to do business with. I have a lot of respect for this friend because he is a well-integrated stage Orange/Green person. I feel that I'm not at his level regarding technical skills, social skills, and life experiences. I feel like he got me right when he evaluated my competencies which means that I lack some knowledge in the field, but I also see that this friend perceives me as having all the capabilities to succeed and this is where I feel like an imposter. I have been labeled as smart or as having a high potential since I was young. Some people told me that I was smart just by looking at my face without even knowing me, some people told me that I was a good person just by hearing me talking. However, if there is something that I don't feel that I am is precisely being smart because I always doubt myself enormously. If I search in my memories and go back to high school, I remember a teacher telling me that I was very serious regarding work (and she wasn't the only one). This didn't make sense to me because I rarely took school very seriously. What I would do after school is just go on my computer and play video games, I wouldn't do my homework that much regularly, but this teacher would still perceive me as being serious. I didn't have bad grades most of the time, I was actually a bit above average without putting in that much effort. I had a few periods where I would have terrible grades, but also moments where I would get incredible results by just pushing myself a bit more. I think I could have easily been one of the top students if I would have put the effort in, but I was too lazy to do it. Regarding personal development, it's similar. Even if I have been following Leo's work and consuming other resources for a while now, I feel that I know nothing about personal development, less than 1%, and within this, I feel that I embody even less. I feel fake, I feel like I'm hiding who I am. I feel being much less than how people perceive me and being much less than how I present myself. Some people told me in the past things like "You are doing great", but I always feel the complete opposite. I don't feel special, I'm not really proud of anything, I never accomplished anything that I consider significant. Does anyone relate to this?
  8. A thing is what we consider it to be, except if we understand that it is not what it is.
  9. Feeling of Being Bad / Being an Impostor Hey everyone, I have been living with a feeling of being bad, being an impostor, being inadequately perceived by people for almost my entire life. This feeling intensified a bit recently when I got in touch with an old friend that I'm going to do business with. I have a lot of respect for this friend because he is a well-integrated stage Orange/Green person. I feel that I'm not at his level regarding technical skills, social skills, and life experiences. I feel like he got me right when he evaluated my competencies which means that I lack some knowledge in the field, but I also see that this friend perceives me as having all the capabilities to succeed and this is where I feel like an imposter. I have been labeled as smart or as having a high potential since I was young. Some people told me that I was smart just by looking at my face without even knowing me, some people told me that I was a good person just by hearing me talking. However, if there is something that I don't feel that I am is precisely being smart because I always doubt myself enormously. If I search in my memories and go back to high school, I remember a teacher telling me that I was very serious regarding work (and she wasn't the only one). This didn't make sense to me because I rarely took school very seriously. What I would do after school is just go on my computer and play video games, I wouldn't do my homework that much regularly, but this teacher would still perceive me as being serious. I didn't have bad grades most of the time, I was actually a bit above average without putting in that much effort. I had a few periods where I would have terrible grades, but also moments where I would get incredible results by just pushing myself a bit more. I think I could have easily been one of the top students if I would have put the effort in, but I was too lazy to do it. Regarding personal development, it's similar. Even if I have been following Leo's work and consuming other resources for a while now, I feel that I know nothing about personal development, less than 1%, and within this, I feel that I embody even less. I feel fake, I feel like I'm hiding who I am. I feel being much less than how people perceive me and being much less than how I present myself. Some people told me in the past things like "You are doing great", but I always feel the complete opposite. I don't feel special, I'm not really proud of anything, I never accomplished anything that I consider significant. Does anyone relate to this?
  10. 09/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll give time to my child-self I'll have patience with my child-self I'll support my child-self through his learning phase I'll give compassion to my child-self I'll accept the difficulties of my child-self I'll let my child-self be If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let my teenage-self express his fear of me I'll give my teenage-self all the time that he needs I'll try to understand the difficulties of my teenage-self I'll have compassion for my teenage-self I'll let time to my teenage-self I'll let go of critics and judgments of my teenage-self As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I understand that I need to integrate them I understand that they want to express themselves I understand that by integrating them I'm becoming more authentic I understand that they need to live I'm giving them love because they need it I'm letting themselves be I am becoming aware... that I don't have to repress emotions that I'm deepening my connection with my younger selves that I need to be kind and supporting of myself that I am becoming more authentic that I need to be patient that I am healing
  11. 09 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:16 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:40 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:54 AM - 10:56 AM I responded to a client and trying to fix some bugs related to Instagram scheduling. Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 02:16 PM - 02:54 PM I work on correcting bugs regarding Instagram scheduling. Duration: 38 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 06:57 PM - 08:43 PM Pushed some changes on Github, created a pull request and merged it, updated the API on the server, and started correcting new bugs on the interface. Duration: 1 hour 46 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:57 PM - 09:43 PM More bug fixes Duration: 46 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3/5 I sense that working a bit every day for 4 - 5 hours may work better for me than trying to put in 6 or more hours 5 days per week. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 6 minutes, including 4 hours 6 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.62 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.25 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)
  12. @soos_mite_ah Ok. That's sad lol. So, I'm going to describe it. The video is a short clip from the TV Show "Mr. Robot", it shows Elliot (the main character) discovering after forgetting that he has been abused during his childhood which is the reason why he suffers from a lot of depression and have repressed anger and sadness. He doesn't know what to do with his emotions and decide to let them go by shouting everything out. The video title is "Elliot Rage and Vera "Amen" | Mr. Robot S4E7", but I also found a shorter version which I'm putting below in the hope that it works:
  13. I'm wondering if I didn't catch Covid. I felt unusual fatigue yesterday and currently feel a bit tired with a dry throat.
  14. @soos_mite_ah Do you have a restriction on the video? Maybe you can access it here through its link.
  15. @Raptorsin7 Don't you feel relief when you let your rage out? @soos_mite_ah Whatever helps you get it out is great, but it needs to get out. Maybe doing more of this could help:
  16. 08/07/2021 (Week 24) If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let him time to learn to trust me I'll reassure him I'll let him test me I'll give compassion to my child-self I'll allow my child-self to experience with me I'll let go of expectations of immediate result If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me... I'll let time to my teenage-self I'll let my teenage-self express his fears I'll give support to my teenage-self I'll give love to my teenage-self I'll have compassion for my teenage-self I'll let go of expectations of immediate results As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me... I'm understanding that I need to integrate them I understand that I need to communicate with them more I'm letting them expressing their emotions I'm understanding that they have the right to exists I'm understanding that they the right to express themselves I understand that they need to be I am becoming aware... that my child-self is showing himself more that my teenage-self is showing himself more that past traumas are getting released that I need to self-express that I can grow a lot by self-expressing myself that I have the right to self-express that grow involves self-express that grow involves connecting with my younger-selves that grow involves trusting my younger-selves that grow involves making peace with my younger-selves
  17. 08 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:15 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 11:24 AM - 01:03 PM Did some tests, but found more bugs when it comes to scheduling. Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:45 PM - 02:54 PM More bugs, and more bugs, and more bugs with a bit of sadness. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:54 PM - 06:34 PM I worked on fixing a lot of bugs related to scheduling. Duration: 1 hour 40 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 I currently feel very tired, I don't know what's going on but I'm exhausted. I didn't expect to go to bed that early. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 16 minutes, including hours minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.16 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)
  18. My previous question was maybe strange. My thought is that if you can work from home with locals, then you can also work with foreigners through a platform like Upwork. It could help you make more money than you are making and get more freedom.
  19. My bias is to be unbiased.
  20. About Toxic Masculinity: How Bad Was/Is My Dad Really? I noticed that I often time over-exaggerate things in order to fulfill my ego. So how bad was my dad really? What's the worst thing that I saw? I saw him throwing a knife at my mom when I was a kid, but he missed her. That's the worst thing that I saw and the only time where it almost went physical. He never physically abused my mom. But even if he never physically abused her, he was still very violent through his behaviors. He was convinced that he wasn't violent, one day he told her: "You're lucky that you found a kind man because another man would break your face". The fact that he was not beating her was him being kind in his mind. I saw a lot of psychological pressure while growing up, a lot of orders, a lot of criticism, a lot of insults, a lot of manipulations. I saw my mom being treated like shit or being treated like a maid many times in the past. She would feel a lot of pain in her body just through insults, criticism, and psychological pressure. But also, if I'm honest, my dad made a lot of progress over the last ten years. Since he stopped working a year ago, he became more relaxed than before and it has been a while since he didn't explode in rage. However, even with all this progress, he is still sometimes very annoying and difficult to deal with. He is getting closer to a decent stage Blue individual, I hope he'll get there, but I have zero certainties.
  21. @Preety_India Do you work for the local market?
  22. @Preety_India What work do you do? How much do you earn? What would be the minimum amount per month for you to get more freedom?
  23. Aside from money, what would you need?
  24. You probably have a lot of repressed anger in you. Have you ever try to scream in a pillow or to go to an isolated place to let your anger out?
  25. About Toxic Masculinity: Causes and Consequences Generally speaking, society has higher expectations of men. There's a bias where women are allowed to cry and be vulnerable because they are women and where men are expected to be strong and providing because they are men. This bias is very strong within men and creates anxieties from a very young age. Society glorifies strong men which is the reason why men sometimes compete with each other and why men are generally more involved in competitive sports or other competitive activities: because they want to prove themselves to society. However, this obsession for being strong and performant backfires many times and creates the opposite result. It's quite similar to beauty standards for women: society praises women for their beauty and praises men for being emotionally strong. Society also praises men for their looks but much less than women. The reason why society praises men for being emotionally strong is not just a cultural bias that can be easily changed, but a biological bias. Men are biologically stronger and more raw survival-oriented than women which is the reason why they are expected to be emotionally stronger because their bodies are better fit for survival. Also when faced with tough survival challenges, someone cannot allow himself to cry in difficult situations because otherwise, he will never go through it. Things get toxic in two main cases: When men are faced with survival challenges that are so tough that it makes them dysfunctional. When the biological truth of men being better fit for survival gets so much amplified by gender bias to the point where men are ashamed to show vulnerabilities. This is especially an issue with men who don't fit the typical masculine norms. For the survival case, it's not possible to easily get out of it, systems need to be improved to soften life challenges. For the cultural bias, the healthy approach is simply to detach from these high expectations, recognize imperfections, and start to correct them. But the pressure of being this hypercompetent entrepreneurial type man is sometimes so high that a percentage of men aren't able to detach and becomes ashamed of themselves. This creates a strange situation where there is high cultural conditioning that expects men to be emotionally strong and competent where at the same time to be healthy an individual needs to express vulnerabilities. Some men are stuck in this paradox, they are so ashamed of their vulnerabilities and imperfections that it makes them more and more toxic. This situation creates a lot of internalized anger. Also, nobody likes anger, and anger is labeled as "bad" and this prevents men with strong emotional baggage to even try to search for solutions. They are obviously other cases that create toxicity, for example: some men (and also women) push themselves as hard as they can to become strong, however, after a certain point, they don't become stronger but just emotionally dysfunctional. Even if life is easier than before since the age of information, the cultural conditioning of "being strong and don't show emotions" from centuries of rough survival is still present, however, it will naturally go away as societies evolve into Green. I will not try to explore more cases here because they are too many of them, but in the end, things can get really twisted and complex.